#who am I kidding? Dorian would suck that shit off the ground.

[bellablossom2]

Lord Henry Wotton is like that random aunt nobody asked for but got anyway; Tries to take your life savings, the house, the child you have conjured up, forces their opinions down your throat, etc. Sadly, Basil could not grab a hold of his pure little boy Dorian fast enough. Crazy aunt Henry got him. 

[abbeyfangirl]

dragon age: all characters (companions)

I’ve been in this fandom for a hot minute now and I want to update my opinions on characters :)

Origins

Alistair: super sweet dude who literally is not the stereotypicalchantryguyfightme. He’s a great example of healthy masculinity and I totally wish he was bi because I have an entire essay on that— also: he’s a poc! His mum was brown. In game he’s got dark features. if you really want a blond/blue-eyes/white guy, make your warden that. or accept that brown people can be noble and moral. or just draw cailan, idk. just because BioWare whitewashes doesn’t mean you should.

Leliana: someone hug my singing girlfriend before I crush her under with my own hugs. Also: nugs. Yes! Shoes. Yes! She likes how I style my hair? YES!! I honestly think she’s super duper and it pisses me off whenever someone’s like: yeah she enjoys killing people and the Game. ok. and michel de chevin willingly participated in genocidal marches through the alienage he grew up in with his elvhen mum. 

Morrigan: dirty swamp witch that i stan and also have a v big crush on. tiddies. Have a son with a GW so we can raise him with our tiddies out in the forest. she’s also white-passing, as her father was chasind and all people we’ve seen that are chasind are black. therefore, she is biracial. therefore, poc can be goths and don’t shy away from giving morrigan a darker skintone. if the devs had of been thinking, she’d have a darker skintone.

Zevran: Actually is the best romance, I think. Loves consent, therefore I will stan him so hard my skull cracks a little. Also: he is a very brown boy and if he’s white in da4 I’m seriously going to throw all canon out the fucking window. genuinely a good person who needs to be told so. 

Wynne: grandma who only likes my friends who go to church. but also super sweet and I’d rest my head on her bosom (in a platonic way omg ZEVRAN)

Sten: angry quiet boi. the bestest boi. I totally would give him a kitten for a gift and bake him cookies. Thicc softie. I think if I had DA:O and i knew how to use mods i would mod the fuck outta him. sorry.

Sha(y)le: who’s gender? idk her. See also: fuck birds and authority. pound ur ass into the ground you feathery meatbag little shits. fuck songbirds.

Dog: such a good boi. thicc. thinks Alistair is a whiny fuck and is Morrigan’s only friend. love him. he’s the cutest companion. bet.

Ohgren: honestly forgot about him bcc he’s such a shitbag. also: he could’ve been a really cool addiction recovery type but NOPE. probably would have a trump shirt in a modern au and would catcall wlw and hit mlm. no thanks.

Awakening

Anders: he acts like rlly straight but he’s so gay I can smell it. also he’s rlly cute and fun and I love him so much.

Justice: MAYBE i’M selF CONSCious OF THE twitchING. is the friend that genuinely doesn’t get dick jokes but is ur 110% ride or die.

Nathaniel Howe: honestly is sort of a white knight/neck beard a little, but it’s kind of charming with his whole velanna m’lady?? grump boi. annoying soul patch that I’d mod out SO FAST—

Sigrun: would have ROMANCED the FUCK out of her. why she even entertains the idea of fucking with ohgren makes me realize most of the writers are dumbfucks.png. peppy little emo. 12/10 would die if she kissed my cheek teasingly.

Ohgren: why. why. why. I’d have brought Shayle over. Maybe Zev? Definitely Dog.

Velanna: she was written to be an annoying feminist and you can tell but I deadass am a kindred spirit with her bcc I too am deadpan annoyed with Thedas’ general population too. love her. Would’ve loved to romance her. She’d totally be one of those who’d get all tsundere and be like “n-no i hate you” *kisses the fuckin soul out of you then blushes so hard she’s now a tomato*

Dragon Age II

Anders: fuck the cops. i don’t care. fuck the cops. (vine reference). also: do i hate him for blowing up the chantry that would eventually annul a huge collection of his people? no. read dalishious’s meta on Anders. v intriguing. didn’t they retcon the fuck out of the reported deaths too? like there was like eight Templars and Elthinia in there. Templars killed more “abominations” in a day than Anders in the game canon—

Aveline: initially thought she was fine and then realized she’s shit to my lil brother and I will fucking clap her ginger ass. See also: whorephobia isn’t a joke so fuck off with treating Isabela badly, you tit.

Bethany: sunshine. Literal sunshine. I feel my freckles grow in her presence and i love it. she’s my little baby sister and I’d slam that ogre so fuckin hard before it touched either twin.

Carver: there has to be a mod where both twins survive. I love them both to bits. My babies. carver is my bitter, angry little brother and I can relate because I too am very angry and would totally clap my own ass. hes so genuine and I don’t get the competition between Beth and Carver. Like, both are fuckin stellar in different ways. In this essay I will—

Fenris: honestly, I don’t get the general hate between him and Anders. Fenris’ main arc should’ve been a recovery arc, not drunken moping and revenge. he deserves better. give him a soft sweater instead of his spikes and let him love himself as much as I love him for MAKERS SAKE. like when you really think about their relationship, it could’ve been an eye-opener for fenris and finally some legit sympathy for anders. but we all know that if they had of teamed up that Meredith would’ve been dead before the end of Act 1 so.

Isabela: whorephobia is not a joke. oversexualizing your only appearing brown woman is so poorly written. how about we appreciate her and her lovely bosoms but also let people tease her about her heart of gold? her innate understanding of freedom? instead of just a wave of dick? please?? can we give her some pants for when she fights? can we accept that i fall for rogues who hate themselves?? fuck. also whomever draws her x femHawke x Merrill literally is after my own heart.

Merrill: my fucking babygirl MARRY ME. Fenris could’ve been her older brother type, but NO. she and Isabela should’ve been canonical gfs instead of Isabela/Fenris (no shaming the pairing tho!!). I love how she’s written as neurodivergent. V nice. Sometimes I just look her up and cry because she’s fucking everything. Also: she’s in the Dalish origin and she’s far from being white. Why did they make the most innocent/naïve character really white? hmmmm.

Sebastian: whew that boy. Would totally be that annoying Mormon at your door but you still let him in bcc he’s super sweet. Also: huge ass bible thumper and should get his head slap because you said the maker loved all his children why do you defend a complicit old hag you annoying attractive fuck—

Varric: totally is a bard and the devs couldn’t handle the idea of him being one bcc it might make him look less straight. is the only grey morality person I don’t want to fucking bash in with a fry pan. he sees people and I like that, but you totally know he’s siding with mages every time bcc him and Anders are like besties. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. “Professional Younger Brother”.

Tallis: I know nothing about her but she seems okay. I think she was an escaped slave and honestly? Fucking props. Spy on a shitting organization, idk what you’re doing, but your VA was that cool lesbian from SPN so I think ur okay?

Inquisition

Blackwall: Redemption Arc 101. Love him to bits. Sad dad bunwall. good man. actually atoned for his sins by actively becoming a good person. his initial design is 80% hotter im so sorry but so not.

Cassandra: was way browner in the last game. would romance the fuck outta her. I love me a butch lady who melts at my dorky recitation of poetry. BioWare is a coward. also is the worst choice for divine. but not a bad person. could use some more guidance or get her ass whipped by a dalish elf about religion or a circle mage kid whos like “yeah bud i didn’t ask for the templars to whip my ass everyday for existing.”

The Iron Bull: I think the Qunari/Vashoth were a little based off black people (the whole anti blackness thing where ppl are scared of them bcc of whatever reason) and it pisses me off that he had a weird ass dubcon thing with Dorian in banter. It doesn’t make sense— he’s an A+++ dom and would not jump straight in role play without at least checking in at first like wtf BioWare.

Cole: his mother was chasind so he’s like not supposed to be that white? or like biracial? albino? idk. love him to bits tho. He’s neurodivergent and I deadass love him. romancing him? idk. I see why ppl think it’s fuckin nasty but also like as a writer I’d age him the fuck up so fast before my inquisitor even THOUGHT about that. like idk. I’m down with him being a sweet little bro character tho. he’s a babe. love him.

Sera: had the worst fucking writer I’ve ever seen and I willingly read the twilight saga twice by a shit ass racist white lady who okay’d pedophilia. like. Fuck you Kristjanson suck your own dick you fuck. had the worst options in regards to speak to her. has a thicc case of internalized racism that literally most of the fandom just loves to use against her. my lesbian neurodivergent queen. Would write a thousand fix it fics for her. Love her to bits. im gay.

Varric: I haven’t played DA2 so i don’t get why everyone wants to romance him but like. a dwarf romance? yes please. Idk he reminds me of my uncle so I only see him as fun uncle material. Deadass should adopt Cole and Merrill and co parent with Blackwall for Sera. dads? fuck yeah. love me some wholesome, present fathers.

Dorian: is a gay stereotype that I love/hate so much. and he’s also just as bad about being a creep bcc he sexualizes qunari men (in banter). I attribute that to shit writing tho. I want to protect him from all the “omg gay best friend!” people. he’d clearly be that tired gay that wouldn’t give a diddly damn about ur het romance. wanna talk about politics? he’s ur guy/gay.

Solas: “me, an intellectual:”. I don’t hate him, but I’m not about him. He comes off as mysterious and suave (which he totally is) but I deadass would not save him from himself because he’s a racist, exclusionist eggshell. idk. not my cup of tea, but I can totally see the appeal. And he’s interesting, I’ll totally say that. “I think the Dalish are garbage but they made you” is not a compliment. it’s so offensive. and such bait for “quirky girls” which I’m no fan of. Would be Achilles and let Patroclus (Lavellan in his case) die before he realized how his pride is literally a waste of time. If he gets a redemption arc I hope Lavellan gets to slap him before getting him to teach all about ancient Arlathan and show that the Evanuris weren’t all total dicknozzles. (Aka I really have a hard time believing that they’d be slavery cult things. especially since they’ve compared elves to indigenous ppl, Jews and the Romani.)

Vivienne: it’s so racist that they’d make a black woman be pro-slavery. That’s such internalized racism. She could’ve been the cool ass “educate yourself first before you speak, fool” ice lady, but NO. the devs could’ve kept the “Templars are a tool that I proudly can mandate” and the “circles are very good education” and we. Could. Have. Romanced. Her. Like. Fuck. Sake. I just wanna give her a hug and say “love yourself omg!!” and not even in a romantic way. Also: she and morrigan should not have been so antagonistic towards each other. I’d expect them to have great respect for each other, as they both moved up in the world through hardwork and very little help. They could learn different magic from each other too and still maintain that rival respect “oh you” mood. Sidenote: probably the cooler option for Divine. if her approval is high enough she’ll love and be loyal to you forever and i can’t see her agenda being bad. she improves the circles exponentially and tells all the antis to suck her pretty painted toes.

Josephine: an actual disney princess. romanced her my first playthrough. I love her so much. she just makes me so happy. And she’s like: “Integrity, Loyalty, peace. That is what it means to be a GREY WARDEN good fucking person.” she’s the person who would let you hold her hand if you got anxious and she’d be that person who shouldered the whole group project with finesse and poise and would probably lie for everyone as to not be mean. i love josie. her and leliana’s relationship is so cute, too. whether it’s romantic or not: women supporting women.

Leliana: if you leave her hardened you must hate her. why. she becomes so against herself. i like how shes feminine and lighthearted because that’s so powerful-- to remain hopeful when the world is hopeless. (its hard to know when to soften her/harden her so i get it but. google it. she deserves to be happy and sweet again.)

Cullen: uwu war criminal with shit ass “redemption arc” that was actually a half-assed (at BEST) recovery arc. Recovery isn’t linear, it isn’t pretty, and even the broken need to be told they are wrong in order to heal right. Like I’m offended by that bullshit. I’ve had to do some mental health recovery in the past and unlearning lots of toxic ideologies— which I’m still unlearning— and it bothers me that he gets an easy pass because he’s hot. It’s one thing if you like Cullen, it’s another thing if you hold him accountable.

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: Empire of Storms, Ch 51 - 53

Sorry these have been coming out a little later than usual, I was sucked into a Nuzlocke playthrough.

Eyllwe’s coast was burning. For three days, they sailed past village after village. Some still burning, some only cinders. And at each of them, Aelin and Rowan had labored to put out those flames.

You get three guesses as to whose feelings over innocent people being burned alive are focused on. The first two don’t count.

Rowboat and the narrative splooge over how ~angsty and tortured~ Alien feels over Eyllwe being burnt and attacked, and how much she’s doing by staying on the ship and trying to put out the flames from there. Yawn. Maybe if Alien wasn’t a shitty character, I’d care.

Also there’s a rumor that Alien herself is starting these fires??? It probably won’t be important, it’s probably just for Alien to cry over so Rowboat can comfort her.

[Rowan]’d breathed [Aelin] in, and she knew he detected an answer to the question that had caused him to flee that morning on the ship. No, she was not carrying his child.

Oh great, this is returning. SJM uses this to briefly describe a sex scene between Rowboat and Alien where Alien reveals she’s not taking anything to prevent pregnancy. I mean, well, where would she get that on a medieval ship?

And then [Aelin] had explained that if she’d inherited so much of Mab’s Fae blood, she might very well have inherited the Fae’s struggle to conceive. And even if the timing was horrible … if this was to be the one shot she had of providing Terrasen a bloodline, a future … she would not waste it.

UMMMM WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ.

It literally explains after this Alien didn’t ask Rowboat if he wanted to have kids. She is literally using him to have sex with in an attempt to have children without his consent. WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT CONSENSUAL OR HEALTHY!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, but since Alien is a woman and Rowboat is a man, it’s suddenly okay???? WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING

So aside from that extremely horrifying implication, the gang makes it to the Stone Marshes and Manon has to say goodbye to Abraxos, since he’d be too noticeable on the marshes. I cry.

Manon swallowed hard. “You saved my life. Many times. I never thanked you for it.” Abraxos let out another low whine. “You and me,” she promised him. “From now until the Darkness claims us.”

I can’t believe a bloodthirsty witch and her pet wyvern are the only two characters I care about on this entire ship besides Gav. Despite SJM trying to ruin Manon’s character, she and Abraxos still deserve better.

Manon tears up that red cloak from her half sister she killed and uses it to tie her hair back, before chucking the rest of it into the sea. SJM can’t resist the urge to then make it all about Alien’s feefees.

Aelin Galathynius said quietly, “You never stop seeing their faces.” It was only when they were rowing for the shore, spindrift soaking them, that Manon realized the queen hadn’t meant the Thirteen. And Manon wondered if Aelin, too, had watched that cloak floating out to sea and thought it looked like spilled blood.

Manon just had to cope with the idea her Thriteen might be dead and it’s all about Alien feeling upsetti some country people she’s never met died. adhjgfjah I’m fine, I’m fine, it’s all fine.

Next chapter opens up with Lorass and Elide on their journey to find Alien. Lorass says that the dark god himself Hellas is guiding him or some shit...? I don’t really care. They’re off the boat and come across a place that got fucked up by something.

Indeed, the hair on his arms had risen, every instinct on alert as he scanned the marshes, the ruins, the brambles, and thick foliage that had choked some of the islands. Even the god of death halted his nudging and ducked behind Lorcan’s shoulder.

You.. just spent several paragraphs splooging about the connection between the god of death and Lorass and how badass it is, and now you’re saying the god of death is cowering behind Lorass. SJM, you’re killing me I hope you know. You’re killing me.

“What is inside these marshes?” [Elide] asked instead. “Why is Aelin headed into them?” (...) “I don’t know,” [Lorcan] admitted. “No towns or outposts exist anywhere nearby.” Yet this was where the dark god had led him—and where that hand still pushed him to venture, even if it quaked.

I’m tired. Have a reaction image to sum up my feelings.

They travel for a couple of days across the marshes. One night, Elide hears some spoopy noises, so she asks Lorass to tell her about Maeve.

“Do you love her?” Those eyes, darker than the gaps between the stars, slid to her. “I have been in love with Maeve since I first laid eyes on her.”

Maeve treats all of you like servants, and in some cases slaves, and has no real affection for any of you. You’re her soldiers, and she’s not exactly a caring queen. Why are you all in love with her? Is it because she’s hot?

Elide’s like “uhh that doesn’t sound like love at all” and Lorass gets all pissy. Lmfao he’s just angry because she’s right.

“I think love should make you happy,” Elide said, remembering her mother and father. How often they had smiled and laughed, how they had gazed at each other. “It should make you into the best possible version of yourself.”

Funny how SJM understands this........ but writes Ratlin as posessive and abusive assholes to each other and has Alien not ask Rowboat for consent.... *thinking emoji*

tl;dr Elide kisses him and Lorass decides to make out with him. I’m not... horribly offended as I am with Ratlin, it’s just kinda a dumb ship with no chemistry, but hey, I’ll take that over the pile of dogshit that is Ratlin.

Lorass is about to slide into second base when he hears a bunch of Ilken arriving, and it’s implied they’re coming for Alien. I feel bad for how short this review is at the moment, so let’s keep going to chapter 53.

Two days into the endless labyrinth of the Stone Marshes—two, not the day and a half that gods-damned Rolfe had suggested—Aelin was inclined to burn the whole place to the ground.

Oh no, one half of a day more than his estimate... stop being such a whiny lil shit, Alien.

[Aelin] kept the [insects] away with a shield of invisible flame, revealed only by the zinging as they slammed into it. She might have felt bad, had they not tried to eat her alive the first day here.

Why would you feel bad for killing insects? They’re bugs who could possibly be carrying diseases. So Alien feels bad for killing dangerous insects, but not some of Rolfe’s people?? Lmfao you are so full of shit, SJM.

[Fenrys] could no doubt leap the gaps between the islands in wolf form, as could Gavriel. Why they bothered staying in Fae form was beyond [Aelin].

Ok, so like... why are they staying in Fae form, then? Also, that wording implies that Gav also has a wolf form, which he does not, he shifts into a lion.

Lysandra and Fenrys lowkey flirt with one another over their brands or some shit? Skipping this like my life depends on it tbh.

Dorian and Manon hauled themselves onto the bank below, dripping wet

But did they haul their asses onto the bank? This is important information the world needs to know, SJM!

Aedion, seated beside [Aelin], passed the too-light skin of wine. She swigged from it, glad for the sour slide that washed away any lingering taste of the meat.

Oh my god... they drink wine instead of water? This explains so much about these books. Corrected by @kittyinhighheels that this is actually historically correct! Thank you for correcting me on that.

Anyways, some swamp beast attacks them out of the blue, aiming for Manon, but Dorito stops it with his ice magic.

But Aelin looked back at Rowan, holding his stare. How convenient that your shield vanished right as that thing waddled up. What an excellent opportunity for a magic lesson. What if it had gone wrong? Rowan’s eyes glittered. Why do you think the hole opened up by the witch?

So Rowboat was willing to risk  Manon’s life - and possibly others - in order to... shoehorn in a magic lesson for Dorito? Nope. This was an excuse for Dorito to save Manon, and you all know it.

Apparently, the amulet Alien carries is an entirely different symbol and meaning in the witches’ culture. That’s actually kinda cool, I like it. Manon tells the story of Rhiannon Crochan and how she cursed the other witches before she died. It’s pretty neat; SJM really should’ve cut out the Alien bullshit and kept the series about the witches.

Later on, the male Fae fuck off to have a private conversation.

Gavriel said, “You should take Aelin a thousand miles from here. Tonight.” A wave of [Rowan’s] magic and honed instincts told him all was safe in the immediate vicinity, calming the killing rage he’d slipped into at the thought.

Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus, Rowboat. I get wanting to protect your loved ones but he gets such a fucking raging anger at the thought of anyone near Alien and it’s so fucking gross.

Fenrys points out the similarities between Manon and Alien, like they’re both have different sides of heritage, both lsot queens, etc. Yeah, but you also forgot that Alien is a raging selfish asshole and Manon isn’t, so.

Fenrys breathed, “Maeve will not allow herself to lose. Already, she’s replaced you.” Rowan whirled on Gavriel. “Who.” Those lion’s eyes darkened. “Cairn.”

Why do you care? This is treated as a big reveal when A) Lorass already told us about this dude, and B) Of course Maeve would replace you after you left.

Cairn … No amount of training, both off the battlefield and on it, had ever broken the Fae warrior of his penchant for cruelty. Rowan had locked him up, flogged him, disciplined him, wielded whatever shred of compassion he could muster in himself … nothing. Cairn had been born savoring the suffering of others.

Oh, of course he’s a one dimensional evil bad guy, too. SJM doesn’t know what nuance means.

For Maeve not to have given either male a gag order through the blood oath

I had to read that, so you do too.

Apparently Maeve wants Lorass dead because he and Rowboat are the msot powerful males in the world. Hnnnnnnnngh and as if that gushing isn’t bad enough, Fenrys literally asks Rowboat to kill him if Maeve makes him kill Alien.

Alien is such a goddamn Mary Sue, literally every character loves her and kisses her ass and those who hate her are villainized to hell and back. I’m so tired.

“I’m glad, you know,” Fenrys said with unusual graveness, “that I got this time. That Maeve unintentionally gave me that. That I got to know what it was like—to be here, as a part of this.” Rowan didn’t have words, so he looked to Gavriel. But the Lion was merely nodding as he stared down at the little camp below. At his sleeping son.

F-fuck... this got to me. Gav and Fenrys deserve better and they better not die I swear to god.

[misslunamiste]

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

A Round Four story for Esen Zephyre (and Alyss Okand, as well).

If she were to be completely honest, this wasn’t what she was expected.  To be fair, she hadn’t been expecting much of anything, because she hadn’t planned to be stranded on an island with a bunch of kids. 

Well, they technically weren’t kids, but to Alyss, they were.  A bunch of kids seeming trapped on an island and subjected to mind games, courtesy of Jacquin Industries.  They bombarded her with questions days before, and she answered them the best she could, but there was still a lot she didn’t know. 

Did they have a person on the inside? Yes, the female scientist that had worked on Project Infinity.  Alyss couldn’t recall her name, and had only seen pictures of her after the Project’s downfall.  She had to be at least somewhat on their side, after helping Alyss escape. 

What was the facility like? Alyss knew vague layouts, but nothing that would help them.  There were several buildings and she spotted a helicopter flying as she was escaping.  She had been inside the largest building, which she assumed was their base of operations. 

What did the Jacquins want? Alyss didn’t know, but she was sure it wasn’t good. 

Normally, Alyss wouldn’t have minded answering the questions that everyone had, but she was more focused on dealing with some of her own emotional issues.  The damn illusion hadn’t helped anything, not to mention the coma. 

Damia Jacquin was going to get a punch in the face (among other things) for that. 

She was both glad and upset that Esen was trapped with her, but part of her felt guilty.  If she hadn’t been so gullible, yet so attached to her family, then this might not have happened.  It was best for her to keep a distance until she figured out a plan, one that would get everyone out of this hellhole. 

Two days later, Esen pulled her windbreaker tighter around herself, hating this island even more than usual. 

The fact that she had gotten led on by someone that everyone warned her was dangerous made her feel stupid, and the fact that everyone was right made her mad. 

Not to mention that Alyss was (thankfully alive), but was also avoiding her.  It was if nothing was even remotely trying to work out for her, and thought that made her frustrated with the situation. 

“You look glum.” Sek commented, looking down on Esen. 

“That’s because I am glum.” Esen sighed. “I don’t think this was ever fun, but it’s definitely not fun anymore.”  She frowned at Sek. “This better not be a ‘I told you so.’” 

“It was going to be until I saw how sad you looked.” Sek shrugged, taking a seat next to Esen. “What gives?” 

“I don’t know what I had with Damia, but…heartbreak sucks.  Especially if it’s broken by betrayal.” Esen looked down.  “And now Alyss is here, but she’s-” 

“Avoiding everyone? Yeah, I expected different from someone who helped blow up a building to save us.” 

“I think it was more to stop Project Infinity.”   

“You get the point.” Sek rolled her eyes. “Well, it’s obvious that something is bugging her, and I’m not the shrink.  Surely you can figure it out.” 

“Not if she won’t talk to me.” Esen frowned. 

“Perhaps we could…figure it out without talking.” Sek suggested. 

“What do you mean?” 

Sek looked down, and slowly took off her left glove.  “My powers have been growing, I think.  I used to absorb information that was from computers, or books but now…I can absorb from people.” 

Esen frowned. “What? You didn’t think to mention this at all?” 

“I was trying to figure out what was happening, first.  Try and see if I could not absorb anything.” Sek shrugged. “But nothing really worked, so I’m keeping the gloves on unless my powers are needed.” 

“And you think they could help with Alyss?” Esen bit her lip. “Sek, I don’t know…” 

“The only reason she’d keep quiet is because she knows something, or maybe they’ve blackmailed or brainwashed her.” 

“They wouldn’t-” Esen started. 

“We’ve both seen the impossible, you know this is a possibility, Esen.” Sek stood up, pulling up Esen with her. “We need to find out what she knows, do whatever it takes to get what we need.” 

“Get what exactly?” 

Esen jumped up, only to see Alyss sitting from a top branch of the tree behind her.  She would have been easily concealed by the branches in front of her, had she not pushed them out of the way for her big entrance. 

“Oh shit.” Sek muttered. 

“Are you going to come down?” Esen asked awkwardly. 

“No, not when your genius friend is going to try and steal my memories.” Alyss scoffed. “You think I want you looking through my mind?” 

“To be fair, I’m not even sure if it would work.” Sek frowned. “But you’re hiding something.” 

“So what? Everyone on this damn island is.  We don’t need brown-nosers like you going through our secrets.” Alyss shrugged. “You want to find out what happened to me so bad? You should have asked.” 

“But you won’t even stay around.  I…I don’t want you to leave again.” Esen said softly. 

Alyss was about to say something, but stopped when she looked at the sky.  Esen and Sek followed her gaze, frowning at the sight. 

“Is that a drone?” Sek asked, while Esen decided to take action.  She used the wind above the drone to push it down as hard as she could, causing the drone to crash into the ground below. 

“A little nicer next time?” Sek asked, feigning annoyance as a crowd started to gather. 

“Does it have any weaponry?” Esen retorted, crossing her arms. 

Sek shook her head, carefully inspecting the drone. “It looks like to be a peaceful vessel.” 

“Peaceful? It came from the fucking MYRIAD sign.” Alyss scoffed. “It’s probably a trap.” 

Sek rolled her eyes, finding a capsule and pulling out a small projector. “It needs a fingerprint, simple technology.” She deduced. 

Esen took the projector and tried the scanner, not surprised when it didn’t work.

“Well, they’d have to use fingerprints of someone they already had records on.” She decided, and looked up at Alyss. 

Alyss shook her head. “Yeah, right.” 

“You could at least try it.” Esen gave Alyss her best puppy-dog eyes, and Alyss scowled, climbing down the tree. 

Alyss put her thumb on the projector. “Fine, but only to prove-” The projector lit up green. “God damn it.” 

A hologram  came up from the projector, showing a middle-aged woman in a lab coat. “My apologies, Miss Okand, for using her fingerprints for this, but I didn’t have any other records to use for this device.  I had to be sure it made it into the right hands.” 

Alyss frowned. “She’s the one that helped me escape.” 

“That’s Artemis Verdani, one of the scientists from Project Infinity…” Emmett spoke from the crowd, and was hushed as everyone listened to what Artemis spoke. 

“This message will self destruct after its completion. Again, another safety precaution, but you can never be too sure in the crowds I deal with.  At this point, I assume that you are with the others on the island, but in the case you are not please relay the message to them. 

“In case you do not know me, my name is Artemis Verdani and I regrettably worked on the production of the serum for the government project Infinity.  Around two years after the project was destroyed, I found myself and college Dorian Gero approached by Jacquin Industries, both interested in our work on the project.  The offers seemed too good to be true, so we decided to accept under the condition that we would report anything gone awry. 

“It goes without saying that the Jacquins kept secrets from us, and we only discovered about the MYRIAD project a little over year ago.  MYRIAD stands for Mass Youth Regulation and Intelligence Acquisition Division, a project they’ve used to gather intelligence on enhanced youths such as yourself.  Their goal seems to be to use you all as pawns of some sort.  I have no clue how dark their plan runs, but it could range anywhere from a science experiment to world domination.  Regardless, it needs to be stopped. 

“Also included in the drone is a drive full of blueprints and files.  While it is likely you have no way to access them, I know at least one of your number has an ability to access this information, hopefully this will allow you to come up with a way to put a stop to this. 

“One last detail - this is not the only MYRIAD project running.  There is one other island, but I do not know the coordinates.  However, I was able to get the roster from Dorian, and have included that as well.  I hope that helps you in your endeavors. 

“Good luck, and best wishes.” 

The device started to beep, so Alyss quickly threw it as far as she could before it made a tiny explosion. 

“Well, that was some exposition and a half.” She muttered, turning to Sek. “I guess you should get that flash drive now.” She suggested, though it was more of a demand. 

“What are we going to do? Another island?” Esen turned to Alyss, frowning. 

“Well, we should start with the basics - plotting.  I know just where to start.” Alyss answered, giving Esen a grin for the first time since she had been there. “C’mon, kid. I’ve got to figure out how to make a building explode.”

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: Empire of Storms, Ch 28 - 29

I honestly don’t know how it can get worse from here.

So they start the real official meeting that Rowan called in Rolfe’s office, and Aelin wastes no time making me want to rip my eyes out.

[Rowan’s] face—oh, gods, [Aelin]’d missed that harsh, unyielding face

Back to Ratlin (that’s what I’m calling it from now on) splooging I see. Great. Can’t wait for multiple paragraphs of Aelin busting a nut at the thought of Rowan’s peen while SJM insists these books have a plot.

Aelin decided she didn’t particularly give a shit who was watching and rose up on her toes to brush her mouth against [Rowan’s].

UHHH WHAT THE FUCK AELIN. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MEETINGS THAT’LL DETERMINE IF ROLFE JOINS YOUR WAR EFFORT OR NOT YOU CAN’T JUST - oh forget it, I’ll just sound like a broken record.

[Aelin] just prayed she’d be able to warn Aedion before he ran into his father - who was now sitting two seats down from her, gawking at her as if she had ten heads. Gods, even the expression was like Aedion’s. How hadn’t she noticed that this spring in Wendlyn?

My monkey brain is having feels because I’m sucker for the “child is spitting image of their parent” trope..... bad monkey brain.

“And who would verify the word of a nineteen-year-old princess?” [Aelin] jerked her chin at the wax-sealed tube. “Murtaugh Allsbrook would. He wrote you a nice, long letter about it.” Rolfe picked up the tube, studied it, and chucked it in a neat arc—right into his rubbish bin. The thud echoed through the office.

LMAOOOOOO YOU GO ROLFE!!! SLAY THAT BITCH!!!! I mean considering all the shit Aelin put him through I don’t blame him not wanting to align with her.

Rolfe let out a low laugh. “The talk of young idealists and dreamers.” “The world,” Aelin said, “will be saved and remade by the dreamers, Rolfe.”

See, this is the kind of shit I would be getting excited about if this was a good series. Sounds like something straight of Les Mis. SJM can come up with some good quotes, but if I don’t care about the horrible characters and there’s no plot, why should I give a shit?

Aelin purred, “Do you want gold, Rolfe? Do you want a title? Do you want glory or women or land? Or is it just the bloodlust that drives you?”

Oh my god, SJM is a furry!

Looks like you bid on the wrong horse [Rowan],” Rolfe crooned. He flicked his eyes to Dorian. “What news did you receive?” But that wrong horse [Rowan] cut in smoothly, “There was none. But you’ll be glad to know your spies at the Ocean Rose are certainly doing their job. And that His Majesty is quite an accomplished actor.”

Jesus Christ this writing

Dorian said coldly, “For a petty grudge, you’d refuse to consider allying with us?” Aelin snorted. “I’d hardly call wrecking his shit-poor city and ships a ‘petty grudge.’”

T-this... this can’t be. I am reading Empire of Storms by SJM, right? Aelin? Having self awareness? In my SJM book? Well, it’s more likely... to never appear again.

Rolfe tells Aelin to go fuck herself and that scene ends, permanently establishing Rolfe as one of the few Well Written Characters. I want him, Darrow, Manon, and Gav to leave this shitty series and go forth to a better one.

Aelin hit the narrow hallway, a wall of muscle at her back and by her side, and faced another dilemma: Aedion.

I smell Aedion daddy issues angst over the horizon. Also, are the ‘walls of muscle’ supposed to be Rowan and... the other Fae??? God SJM stop jerking off to your own characters for 5 minutes please.

Aelin made it all of three steps down the hall when Gavriel said behind her, “Where is he?” Slowly, she looked back. The warrior’s tan face was tight, his eyes full of sorrow and steel.

Damn, I just feel really bad for Gav. Keep in mind I don’t remember why he left Aedion (if it was revealed previously) but I’m hoping SJM actually uses him and makes him a good father, this series is severely lacking in good parental figures.

But Aelin sucked on a tooth

“You don’t get to decide when and where and how you meet him,” Aelin said. “He’s my gods-damned son. I think I do.”

Nooo SJM I’m begging you I like Gav please don’t make him a toxic fuckboi pleeeeeease

Aelin just tells Gav not to order her around and that scene ends...? Okay. I hope SJM is implying Gav calmed down and respected his son’s boundaries. I just want one character to stay good and pure and to be a good father is that too much to ask.

Later Aelin goes to have a chat with Dorian.

“It seems you and I are currently without crowns, thanks to a few bullshit pieces of paper.” Dorian didn’t return her smile. The stairs groaned beneath them as they headed for the second floor. They were almost to the room Dorian had indicated when he said, “Maybe that’s a good thing.”

I mean, Dorian, you seem like a good king who would fight to defend his people. You deserve to be king. But Aelin? Yeah if she was queen her kingdom would be already burnt to the ground, so you’re half right.

They have another meeting where Rowan/Dorian share more information about the witches.

“Manon Blackbeak,” Aedion mused, “would be a valuable ally, if we can get her to turn.”

NO NONO NO NO KEEP MANON’S BEAUTIFUL SELF AWAY FROM AELIN’S CRUSTY ASS I’M BEGGING

It was never-ending, [Aelin] supposed while they dined that night on peppered crab and spiced rice.

Reading this as a Cape Bretoner was a mistake. Now I’m hungry for some good seafood..... mmmm, battered fish and chips.....

And [Aelin] was to be given nothing more than obscure commands by long-dead royals to find a way to stop it, nothing more than gods-damned months to rally a force against him.

Gods-damned is a stupid word and SJM should feel bad for abusing it. Aelin decides to make sure Rolfe’s hand maps work and the chapter ends. Next!

Too many animals loitering about the streets at this hour would attract the wrong sort of attention. But Aedion still wished that the shifter was wearing fur or feathers compared to … this.

Greaaat are we gonna get Aedion slut shaming Lysandra? Just what I wanted....

He glanced at the delicate gold chain dangling around Lysandra’s pale throat, tracing its length down the front of her bodice, to where the Amulet of Orynth was now hidden beneath. “Admiring the view?” Aedion snapped his eyes up from the generous swells of her breasts. “Sorry.”

The only reason Lysandra is wearing the Amulet is so Aedion can drool over her boobies. I’m right and you all know it.

“Rowan claimed Rolfe would find the amulet interesting enough to go after it.” “Rowan and Aelin have a tendency to say one thing and mean something else entirely.” Aedion heaved a breath through his nose.

Aedion actually criticizing Aelin?? What the fuck is going on??

Lysandra gets pissy when Aedion points out she’s tired. Not even to condescend towards her, he’s actually concerned, so calm down, Lysandra. We get an ““““explanation”“““ for Lysandra’s shifting powers.

Each shift took something out of Lysandra. The bigger the change, the bigger the animal, the steeper the cost. Aedion had witnessed her morph from butterfly to bumblebee to hummingbird to bat within the span of a few minutes. But going from human to ghost leopard to bear or elk or horse, she’d once demonstrated, took longer between shifts, the magic having to draw up the strength to become that size, to fill the body with all its inherent power.

Better than nothing, but... how does shifting into bigger animals exhaust her but shifting into smaller animals doesn't? Each time the mass of her body is changing, so shouldn’t shifting in general exhaust her? Btw, read Animorphs, it’s a great gritty series that deals with shifting powers way better.

Aedion, however, stiffened slightly as those steps grew closer, and he found himself staring at the son of his great enemy. King, now.

This is confusing as fuck. Stop referring to Dorian as king and use his name so we can understand who Aedion is staring at, thank you.

[Aedion] reined in his scowl as he said to the king, “So, you and Whitethorn didn’t kill each other.” Dorian’s brows scrunched. “He saved my life, nearly got himself burned out to do it. Why should I be anything but grateful?”

Great, now we have to add Rowan splooging that isn’t from Aelin to the list.

He did not resent what she had been, what she portrayed now, only the monsters who had seen the beauty the child would grow into and taken her into that brothel. Aelin had told him what Arobynn had done to the man she’d loved. It was a miracle the shifter could smile at all.

What the fuuuuck why is Aedion portrayed as ~noble and amazing~ for not judging Lysandra based on her past? It’s common human decency to not judge people for things out of their control!! Does SJM not understand how humans operate?

Aedion tells Dorian to fuck off and he leaves, and Lysandra gets understandably irritated by Aedion being a dick.

“He stabbed Aelin. If you knew him as I have, you wouldn’t be so willing to fawn over—”

1. Dorian was, to my memory, being controlled by a demon thing when he stabbed Aelin. He was not in his right mind, and did not have control over himself. Stop holding that over his head, you prick.

2. Aedion you were an asshole too! You tripped Dorian and sent him falling into a thorn bush when you two were walking in HOF. You fucking judgemental asshole, I cannot believe I ever liked you.

Aedion’s like “b-but he was an arrogant kid” and Lysandra, being voice of reason, is like “Um, we all were as kids Aedion, including Aelin” and we litERALLY GET THIS

“I don’t care if he was as arrogant and vain as Aelin, I don’t care if he was enslaved to a demon that took his mind. I look at him and see my family butchered, see those tracks to the river, and hear Quinn tell me that Aelin was drowned and dead.” His breathing was uneven, and his throat burned, but he ignored it.

JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST. Okay, I’m not saying Aedion isn’t wrong to be weary of Dorian after what happened to his family at the hands of Dorian’s father but this is literally Aedion going “It’s only okay to be a dick if it’s Aelin! Everyone else is a bad ruler and should bow down to her uwu”

FUCKING HELL. I’m willing to bet if it had been Aelin mind controlled, Aedion would be jumping through hoops to justify her actions and convince everyone she couldn’t help herself. Assdion has no character outside of being a dick and kissing up Aelin’s ass. I fucking hat this character almost as much as I hate Aelin.

Aedion braced his palm against the wall again and leaned in to glower in [Lysandra’s] face. She did not yield an inch. “There is an order and rank in our court, lady, and last I checked, you were not number three. You don’t give me commands.”

(...) And the last I checked…” She poked his chest, right between his pectorals, and he could have sworn the tip of a claw pierced the skin beneath his clothes. “You weren’t pathetic enough to enforce rank to hide from being in the wrong.“

*Mortal Kombat voice* FINISH HIM

His blood sparked and thrummed. Aedion found himself taking in the sensuous curves of her mouth, now pressed thin with anger.

W.....

YOU TWO ARE ARGUING AND ASSDION SUDDENLY HAS A BONER OVER HER MOUTH. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HEALTHY IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM. This is nearly as bad as the “kissing a spouse during an argument instead of solving the problem” trope.

By the way, Aedion is demoted to Assdion. Aelin to Alien, and Rowan to Rowboat. I hate these characters so much.

Lysandra backed away a step, too casual to be anything but a calculated move. But Aedion tried—for her sake, he tried to stop thinking about her mouth—

WHAT THE FUCK DOES SJM THINK ALL MEN ARE HORNDOGS WHO WANNA FUCK 24/7?? This is an incredibly upsetting and inaccurate stereotype! It’s not goddamn hard to not think with your dick for five seconds jfc

Too soon—she wouldn’t want a man’s touch for a long time. Maybe forever. And he’d be damned if he pushed her into it before she wanted to.

Are you sure about that? Because a minute ago you were nearly cumming at the thought of her mouth.

Subject changes and Assdion asks if his father wanted to see him.

“[Gav] nearly bit Aelin’s head off when she refused to tell him where and who you are.” Ice filled [Aedion’s] veins. If his father had been rude to her—“But I got the sense,” Lysandra quickly clarified as he tensed, “that he is the sort of male who would respect your wishes if you chose not to see him.

*sniffles* Gav deserves to be a good father.

“What would you do?” “I can’t answer that question. My own father…” She shook her head. He knew about that—the shifter-father who had either abandoned her mother or not even known she was pregnant. And then the mother who had thrown Lysandra into the street when she discovered her heritage. “Aedion, what do you want to do? Not for us, not for Terrasen, but for you.”

I would be having feels and starting to ship them had we not had a whole scene dedicated to Assdion being a dick and nearly kissing Lysandra without her consent sooooo

[Aedion] bowed his head a bit, glancing sidelong at the quiet street again. “My whole life has been … not about what I want. I don’t know how to choose those things.”

A little late there to make me feel sympathetic towards Assdion, SJM. You CANNOT have Assdion act as an Aelin worshiping prick and then turn around and expect me to feel bad for him.

Assdion asks Lysandra to come with him to meet his father the next day and then splooges about how much he apparently cares about Lysandra.  I don’t care.

From the shadows of his hood, he monitored the alley ahead, the shadows and shafts of moonlight, bracing himself. They’d picked the dead-end alley for a reason. The girl realized her mistake a step too late. “Oh.”

The girl is Rolfe’s barmaid. She immediately leaves and they suspect she’s Rolfe’s spy. Finally, I am free from this god awful chapter.