#whoever said fighting for women is not scary and lonely when you wrap the love and support of other women around you was so right

[littlegildedswallow]

got dogpiled by men defending pedophilic beauty standards on twitter today, and instead of the usual worry/anger/frustration I'd feel, all I want to do is laugh because they're FUMING and they KNOW I'm right. is this what growth is, gyns ?

[spaceprimcessleia]

Still Worth Saving 4

yay, chapter 4. find all others here http://spaceprimcessleia.tumblr.com/tagged/shoelace+fandom . if you want. or don’t. 

There’s a new paramedic. Bright eyed and eager with the entire manual memorised verbatim. Iain moans that she threw away his kebab and Sam all but throws the DNR at her when they finally find it hidden in an old biscuit tin.

But later she wonders if it might be better that the lonely old lady who called them out just to have someone to talk to didn’t have to die on her own.

It’s enough to extend the invitation to buy them all drinks that she got on her first day (her first first). Ruby starts to protest that it’s a work night and the body takes, on average, an hour to break down one unit of alcohol, but Sam just stares at her until she blushes, drops her gaze and mumbles something that she takes as a yes.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15832485/chapters/38861597

“Dylan, we can’t keep this up forever.”

“We? He’s my responsibility, Sam and it’s my decision.”

“So you’re just going to hide him away in here for the rest of his life?”

“Well, no. Obviously not.”

“Then what are you going to do?”

“I’m sure I’ll come up with something.”

“I have a friend from the army-”

“If you’re about to say the words ‘immigration officer’.”

“Social worker, actually. Who specialises in refugee children.”

“No.”

“Sanosi has a good case for staying. He’s a child. He has no family, no one to go back to.”

“So when they do ship him off, he’ll end up in some orphanage that can’t afford walls.”

“Those really don’t exist outside of cartoons.”

“You know what I mean.”

“It’s just a meeting. A hypothetical one. We’ll ask all the questions. No one has to be involved but the three of us.”

“Since when did it become anything to do with you?”

“Like it or not, Dylan, I’m involved now.”

“You don’t have to be. You’re my ex-wife, Samantha. Please look it up in a dictionary.”

~*~

There are burning hot needles prickling beneath her skin, the world is rushing around her all at once- too much to watch. Her back slams into the walls, but she doesn’t notice the spark of pain.

“Sam?” Ruby’s voice, sharp and panicked.

Please don’t touch me. She doesn’t think she says it out loud.

“There’s a chair right here, okay? Just sit down and I’ll be right back.” She hears the door open then close again and sinks into the chair. She buries her head in her hands and waits to be able to breathe again.

A mask lands in her lap. She picks it up and holds it to her mouth, gulping in air- hardly caring that it means someone else is there, watching this. Finally, when she can feel something other than the burning needles, she notices the tears on her face. She keeps her head in her hands, drained enough to sink right to the floor and curl up there.

Ruby dithers in front of her. “Do you want me to get anyone?”

Sam thinks of Dylan, then shakes her head. “I’m okay,” she lies.

~*~

They tell her what she thought they would; they won’t throw out a child with nowhere else to go. Whoever smuggled him in can’t be promised the same immunity, but they’ve been friends long enough so he doesn’t ask any more questions. He warns, though, that he can’t guarantee anything. She knows how it is- she’s fought a war based on terrible decisions and humanity’s lack of their own title trait.

~*~

Iain slams the ambulance door but doesn’t start it. “You gonna tell me about these panic attacks?”

She watches another ambulance back into the bay. “I can add big mouth to Ruby’s growing list of attributes.”

“She was worried about you. So am I. Come on, Sam, it’s me.”

He means the time he found her hunched in the corner of the privy with a growing stain on her trousers, lying flat and still side by side as bullets ripped through the air around them, dragging the bodies of their friends over the corpses of strangers so their families would have something to bury. He means nights spent under the dim glow of a single bulb, curled around each other.

But somehow, she can’t tell him this. “We have an emergency to attend.”

“You’ve gotta talk to someone, Sam.”

She tells him to drive.

~*~

She downs a glass of whiskey before she takes a Thai to Dylan’s boat. He’ll smell it on her breath, even if she sucks an entire packet of polos, because there’s no hiding drinking from an alcoholic. It doesn’t stop her taking another gulp.

He looks at her for a second longer before he lets her inside. She just nods when he offers her tea and stands very still- a habit she’s always had when she’s nervous.

Dylan pushes a mug into her hands. “What’s the matter?”

It earns him a stare. He’s always preferred to ignore the dinosaur in the room. Or miss it altogether. “You’ve been different ever since you came back. Even I’ve noticed.”

She wants to be more drunk for this. “I didn’t cheat on Tom.” It’s not what she means to blurt out and it gets the reaction from Dylan it deserves.

“Wonderful. It was just me you couldn’t remain faithful to.”

It’s not too late to walk out, but Sanosi is with David and if she doesn’t do it now she’ll never find the courage again.

So she tells him about her phone. That he would go through it in front of her, even added a GPS app so he could track where she was when she wasn't with him. She tells him that he would accuse her of sleeping with almost any man she glanced at, but it was worse when he didn't say anything at all because then she knew his jealousy was simmering to become something bigger. She tells him about the car, how she thought he was going to smash it into a wall, or another car; how he pulled it to a stop in the middle of a road with not street lights and left her there without the keys until dawn.

Even as she’s speaking she wishes she wasn’t. It all sounds so pathetic.

Dylan doesn’t say anything, but she knows he’s thinking: Why did you let him?

(Because he made me fall in love with him first. Then he crushed the life out of me so slowly that my the time I noticed there was nothing left inside me to fight with).

But he’s still saying nothing and she won’t stand and listen to the silence.

His voice stops her when she starts to walk away. “Did he ever hurt you?”

He hurt her in so many ways she can’t even begin to find the pieces of herself again, but she knows that’s not what he’s asking. “He never hit me.” That, technically, is the truth.

“Where is he now?”

She shrugs. “Last time I saw him was almost a year ago when I told him I was leaving.”

“Which was?”

“Why?” She keeps her head bowed towards the floor.

“I want to send him a fruit basket. Why do you think?”

She turns to look at him at last. “I don’t need you to beat up the scary man for me, Dylan.”

“He deserves a lot worse than that.”

And she hasn’t even told him the worst of it. Despite everything she feels a warm tinge in her chest. He’s always been protective of her- not that she ever needed it. It was one of the things she missed most when they fell apart. Someone who cared. Now, though, she needs him to stop. She doesn’t deserve his defence.

She also doesn’t stop him when he takes her hand and tugs him towards her, wrapping her in a tight hug. He's always been her safe harbour.

~*~

Bea corners her as she’s finished handing over a patient and asks her out. With Ruby and Alicia too. She goes red as she says it though, as if Sam might have thought it was something else. Immediately, she goes to say no. Then thinks about the other offer she has (sitting alone in her empty flat with a measure of scotch to keep Tom’s voice out of her head). She accepts. A smile breaks over Bea’s face, like it matters. Like she really wants her there.

~*~

The bar is crowded- filled with men, women and everyone in between. She can almost feel the pressure around her shoulders, his arm claiming her. She’s not wearing enough- let Alicia talk her into barely there clothes and now she wants to wrap her arms around her body.

A brunette smiles at her from across the bar and she wishes more than ever she hadn’t come. Tom never knew about this part of her. It would have given him even more reason to search her things.

But the others are fast disappearing into the crowd and she wants to be alone even less.

Her new colleague looks as uncomfortable as her, nursing the same drink she’s had for almost an hour, the pads of her fingers tapping against the glass. Sam looks for Bea and Alicia, but they’re lost somewhere in the heave of bodies. “It’s hot in here. Wanna go outside for a minute?” She has to tell over the music.

It takes Ruby a moment to realise what she’s said, but the relief is obvious. She abandons her drink and Sam takes her hand as they fight through the crowd.

~*~

Ruby’s still there in the morning. Sam had been too hazy with exhaustion and vodka to figure out a polite way to kick her out. And she hadn’t moaned about the light. It had been easy to fall asleep beside her. Easy again to make coffee around her, saying not more than “milk?” and handing her the sugar.

Even if Ruby almost drops the bowl when their hands touch. Obviously she’s not used to this. Sam’s not either- not anymore. She’s forgotten the lines, doesn’t know how to get rid of her. They have work soon anyway, might as well just drive in together. Iain won’t ask questions. They’re both women.

When Ruby stammers that she doesn’t have any clothes, Sam rolls her eyes and tosses her some jeans and a t-shirt. Even lets her use the shower. It would almost be domestic if she didn’t keep a six foot distance between them.

~*~

Dylan finds her as she’s heading off for a lunch break. “I saw the social worker last night.” He says it in the same way he says everything.

“And?” she prompts.

“He said it’s extremely likely Sanosi will be able to stay here.” But there’s an edge to his voice, a tense muscle in his jaw. She opens her mouth to ask about it, but he’s already waking away.

~*~

Alicia slides between her and Ruby when they’re chewing down sandwiches before the next emergency, muttering about Eddie and what an arrogant shit he is. Sam tells her he’s a man, he can’t help it. Iain, passing by, shoots her puppy eyes and clutches his heart.

“He wants to go out tonight. Just to the pub.” But she scuffs the ground with her shoe.

Sam swallows the last of her sandwich. “Let’s all go,” she says.

Alarm flickers across Ruby’s face. Sam rolls her eyes, but looks away so Ruby doesn’t see. Maybe it’s best if she finds someone else to go home with tonight.