#why do i keep slef sabotaging

[marstheworld]

.

[missmagicfabulouswitch]

To whom it may concern including myself,

Years passed along thinking i was always right nd change can never be made nd life is a mystery that shall be unveiled nd adventures that had to be taken.

It turns out that i was lying to my self and to everyone else , close people were deeply hurt .

I hated my slef that i wanted the most close ones to hate me.

I wanted people to see me as liberating, unpredictable, and rebellious as much as i could put up with this life.

I never asked myself why im acting as a teen as this age.

Well I don't think its sthg related to always having to be the obedient girl.

Maybe its more than that, it's the fact that what i thought was missing is actually not myself.

I hoped to evolve to the best, to become a better version of myself, to show that I'm good enough. i came yo realize that pleasing people was not my trait. Why am i putting so much effort into then.

I lied about who am , i lied about stuff, I lied to escape questions and answers. I lied to run away from reality.

Well dad used to say that I shall stop imagining that i'am in a movie and start living in the real world. Those words kept ringing in my ears , until this day i was told the same words. It hit me badly since I thought pretending to live in a movie was not a bad idea. However it was the most redicilous idea ever, i had to build up characters that goes with everyone.

Had to cheat, lie and break hearts. This was never my intention. I wanted to be me . Nothing more to ask . Why things are complicated with the world, no one can be happy for u or give u a genuine advice.

Starting to like myself as i grew has its perks.

Well the linking was not as appealing as it sounds .

Talking shit about someone that means alot to u was such a down move. Why would u talk shit abt people u love the most. I don't have answer to that

I only know that in order for me to feel less stupid or fucked up, i tried to sabotage my feelings towards them by ignoring how helpful they were trying to be.

Seeking help was not to find solutions, I think it was mere desperate to seek attention for being shitty.

Hate to say that facing people was never easy.

Im only aware and finally being revoked to how words can be powerfully destructive.

Regardless of what had to happen, I'm regretting the fact that i just realized stuff too late.

I can only hope and wish for real growth without me being the toxic person.

Can't apologize enough for what I've done or thought of doing.

I'm only grateful for what lasted despite my eager and selfishness.

Part of growing is admitting mistakes and that's what i want to do. I want to start fresh and leave old me behind.

I want people who knew me and loved me. For those who deserve to be loved back and ask for their forgiveness. For those who were misguided by my actions. I just wish u can keep ur support and hopefully i want let you down.

Yours