#without him Good Lord id probably be dead so im glad you guys think he seems cool :)

[todayisafridaynight]

You might disable asks after this, but every time you speak about your dad I get a little crush 😊 don’t worry it’s in a cute way I’m not about to say disgusting dirty things about your pop and call him a dilf.

if i told you you were the second person to get a crush on my dad would that make you feel better anon

[monsterloveday]

Dating is just as enjoyable as explosive diarrhoea.

This will make you laugh. My pathetic failings will make you feel awesome. Man they are good stories to tell. There I was, the 26 year old Jay, feeling lame and inexperienced due to never having gone on a date and really wanting to try it out to ‘cross it off the list’... what a pile of wank. I’d tell her to stay home and eat, I’d tell her to spend that 50 or so quid and spend it on something more useful than trying to impress a guy who she most likely didn't give a crap about. And for the love of god DONT shave - DO NOT WASTE HOURS OF YOUR TIME JUST TO END IN NOT GETTING PORKED AND TO ITCH CONSTANTLY AND GET RASH FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS.

Why do we do this to ourselves? - who thought meeting a stranger and feeling like you're in a job interview would actually go well? 

Actually maybe we should do it more like it were a job interview - it would certainly save time... *Girl* “Are you a dick?” *Boy* Yes, after I have learned that you wont just fuck me, i’ll piss off and move into the next fanny and will probably forget your whole existence, wait, whats your name again babe?” *Girl* - Thank you for applying, if you do not hear anything, it means you have not been successful”.... AAANDDD leaves. And then theres the trying on numerous outfits / buying brand new clothes to feel sexy and try them all on - with optional shoes and bags and sending all these options via Whatsapp to your mates and making sure you wear good make up but not too much make up, but make up that looks like make up but natural at the same time bla bla blaaaaaa. Surely someone has to earn the right to this shit? - not someone totally random who wont even buy me a drink?!. And whats more - with every date that is bad, you end up totally evaluating your whole love life and go into the major “Woeist MEEE! I am going to be alone forever’ WHERE IST THOU HUSBAND?!” and wanting to eat your body weight in ice cream until you somehow master the courage to do it all again with some other guy who is also “not the one”.  So we have, lets say his name was ‘Dave’. Dave was clearly very shy (my loud ass does NOT do shy guys). His inexperience was very clear, if there were a ten minute gap or so of me not replying to his texts, I’d receive a text from his relative telling me to hurry up and text him back. Oh lord. Why didn't I run for the hills at this point? He wouldn't make any decisions as to where we should go and wanted me to take the lead (urgh, my flange does shut very tightly), so I tell him he could take me anywhere as long as it was quiet so we could hear each other speak and that we could get some cocktails, (after our previous conversation of how much we liked them). His MUM drops him off to our meeting place - a nightclub. A nightclub where coincidentally his mates are. And the first thing he does is look at he prices of cocktails, states he's not getting any due to the expense. So he asks me what else I want, I tell him vodka and coke, he comes back moaning how expensive that was. Bet it wasn't as expensive as my taxis here and back to you love, but Im not being a little bitch about it!. I took turns in getting drinks (I usually do anyway) just to shut this one up.

Inevitably the conversation is pointless as we cant hear each other. (shock!) Knowing this was a failure, I drink enough and start talking of my bingo wings and how my arm fat needs to come off and wobble it in display. I tell him I'm going to get a taxi, so he goes to meet his mates (oh wow didn't see that coming!). To my surprise I still got texts from him the next day. Fail. Then theres Glenn, the guy who looked like a nice chunky bearded lumberjack online, who turned out to be the campiest guy who’s voice was higher than mine and probably weighed about 6 stone and turned out to be a proper hard core man hating feminist. He speaks of how he gets all his girlfriends massive dildos to avoid them cheating on him with actual human men. He is mouthy to a bar man he doesn't like for no reason and demands we go somewhere else.  When he eventually leaves for his train (after hinting and pleading he come back to mine - fucks sake) he asks me out right yet nervously “so um are we going to kiss now?”, I say no and that I don't kiss on first dates, which then leads to him pushing me into a dark corridor at the train station, pinning me against a wall and trying to force it on me - what a true feminist!. On my journey home I get a multitude of apologetic texts stating he acted like everything he hates. Wow. Fail. Another was with a teacher who also had the high pitched voice of a 6 year old girl and had made as much effort as you do for a duvet day - a crinkled T shirt with jeans that dragged on the floor with holes, I smell no cologne nor had his hair been touched. I feel like a right knob when Im dressed up wearing a very flattering top, perfume, hair and make up agonised over. We do a pub quiz in which he regularly “Sssshhhhes” me angrily and tells me Im getting too excited and that the other people will hear me saying the answers. He tells me he hates people who have a problem with his smoking, knowing he stated he is a non smoker on his profile. =| I watch him have a better time with his cigarette then with me. I last an hour and beg for my sisters boyfriend to come and save me. Fail. Hal was the best one. Hal slags off his date from the day before and informs me of his upcoming date for the following day =|. He buys a packet of crisps for us ‘to share’ and chomps on them without offering me one and then tips the packet into his mouth. After telling me previously he knows exactly where he's taking me, we walk around in Bristol with his sat nav, getting nowhere fast. He kindly likes to remind me of when its my round - usually as soon as he has finished his drink. (it may be ‘my round’ darling but its a hell no to you telling me so!) He tells me how he has been in prison for drug dealing and asks me what drugs I do. =| ( erm energy drinks with vodka?) After a few drinks I tell him I don't need another after his offerings, as I am getting tiddley, with this he comes back with come cheesy chips to help me ‘pace out’ - I think, wow he could redeem himself with buying me food! He asks me if I like hot sauce - I tell him no. He then pours hot sauce all over them but thinks this is ok because he also puts ketchup and mayonnaise on them (as these are the ones I state I like). He mixes them all onto one big gooey, disgusting concoction. He devours them like he has never been fed until he gets down to the last one. This one has  managed to escape the sauce, I tell him he can have it... Now, along with everything else Ive already mentioned, Id also like to mention that later on this guy had been drunkenly looking at my chest, telling me “I just want to have sex with you”, he tried to convince me not to take my last train home and to stay at his. But THIS is what takes the biscuit... He eats the last chip. THE LAST CHIP.  HE FUCKING EATS IT!? WHO DOES THAT?....WHO?!. This is when you know someone is truly a fucking asshole. Mega fail. Chris insisted we go on a date again and again and again. After weeks of convincing I give in, he says he will take me out to dinner - on the day of the date, he randomly goes quiet and nothing happens.  Oh ok then!. The next day he drives past me and texts me asking if I want a lift to work. Um no I fucking don't douche bag!. Fail. Kieran. My first actual good date. We even have a nice kiss (even though I dont usually do this but the moment was there) and he says he could actually stay up all night with me talking, that Im the only girl he doesn't just want to have sex with, that he is attracted to me but Im also like a mate to him - good things to say right? Wrong. After the second date (that I asked him to I may add), he tells me hes not used to girls not having sex with him and ditches. Needless to say this didn't give me a wide on. Fail. Now I know what your thinking, that Im a poor judge of character, that not all men are like this and I have been dating men who are clearly twats, some of this is true, but the whole point of dating is to get to know someone and the only way to find out if they are a dick is to go on a date with them, so some responsibility I shan't take! I havent dated for a few years now and Im not planning on trying again anytime soon, regardless of how horrendous they were, Im still actually glad that I have given dating a go and have indeed ‘ticked it off the list’. I do imagine that maybe someone out there in the universe has experienced a good date - who ever you are, where ever you are hiding - I salute you, to the rest of us poor bastards - we are brave souls.  Until I can be assed again, I will continue to date myself and not shave, stuff my face and not have to explain politely why I wont fuck a random stranger on a first date - call me old fashioned, but I do prefer the whole ‘Just talking to each other” thing and I do melt if a man acts like a gentleman. I love that shit! Romance is dead my friends, but so is dating!. Be back soon Jay Monster