#wn.solo

[rkwon]

DE:CODE IS LIVE: HAPPY MILO DAY! 🎉 JULY 17TH, 2020  •  43 MINUTES

he isn’t sure what’s worse — the nagging guilt and greed that both a fanmeeting and a vlive for a forgettable recently-debuted idol is far too much, or the small yet persistent voice in the back of his head that tells him no one will show up, that anyone who does is just waiting for him to do something stupid. the little live icon mocks him as he shuffles in his seat, leans in closer to see the details of the livestream. the viewer count jumps from zero, to a hundred and beyond, but what he’s most concerned about is the speed the comments move and how small they are. he retreats, resting his back straight against the back of the chair and pulling the sleeves of his jumper down over his palms before he waves.

“hello,” he greets, quiet and shy. his cheeks are a soft pink and it’s likely the tips of his ears are, too, though conveniently hidden by his overgrowing, curled hair. “I’m de:code’s milo. ah, force of habit. my name is in the live title, right?” his laugh is airy. “it’s my birthday today.” he continues, letting the any and every thought that comes to mind roll off his tongue. “thank you for all the well wishes! I saw some of the comments on social media— well, I saw lots of cake emojis. this is the first year I haven’t gotten to eat mum’s cake on my birthday. ming— magnus’ mum always bakes each of us a cake on our birthdays, but I was so busy today that I couldn’t go home.” he sits forward once more to read what he can of the fast-paced comments. “oh! don’t worry, don’t worry. we’re going home over the weekend to see his parents, so we’ll have cake then! I’ll bring slices home to the dorms for all the members.” 

he pauses to read again, clearly struggling even when he moves closer. he’s long-sighted, but the font is so small that it’s hard to see regardless. “did the members get me anything?” he reads with a tilt of the head. growing up, won rarely received presents on his birthdays. sometimes he’d get a little cash from his parents, or a hand-me-down, until he met mingyu and thus began the traditions of spending as much of the day with the kims as possible. though he still doesn’t think too much of material gifts, he cherishes the thought each of them have always put into choosing something for him — either for its sentimental value, love and effort put into creating them, or relevancy to his interests. he chuckles to himself as he remembers the time mingyu bought him two bottles of coca-cola knowing he had been craving it but unable to afford any. “so far, a.c’s gift is top of the ranking. when I woke up for practice this morning, he gave me the biggest hug before I could even make it to the bathroom to start getting ready. I think it’s going to be tough to beat cute cuddles from our youngest.” he teases, concentrating so hard on reading once again that his phone vibrating on the table just out of frame startles him. 

he glances down to check, unable to hold back a grin. his eyes trail back to the camera, lips pursed, then to his phone as he picks it up. “magnus just texted me. he’s watching from the dorms; everyone say hi!” he waves. “he’s nagging me. he’s telling me to put my glasses on, but I don’t have them with me...” a pout tugs at his bottom lip. “I’m long-sighted!” he answers when he spots the question before it scrolls off screen. “ah, he text again. he asked me where they are. ah... I think I left them on the bedside table. it’s fine, though! I can manage; I can see! I always take them off to sleep so they don’t get broken— but then I forgot to pick them up before I left earlier. this is my tmi for the day.” he laughs, leaning forward again. a few notes about wanting something more interesting for his tmi catching his eye. honestly, he isn’t really sure what constitutes a tmi in the first place — he’d just heard it around on other idols’ vlives and broadcasts. still reading, he hums to the beat of another buzz of his phone. “ah, he’s good to me. magnus is coming to deliver them!” he sucks in a deep breath, resting his chin against the palm of his hand, his elbow propped on the table. 

“oppa, why do you look so good? hyung, what should i eat to look like you?” he reads, chuckling loudly until his nose starts to crinkle. “cheetos.” he answers simply, still eyeing the comments. “they’re my favourite snack. I would always try to save up my allowance and treat myself to a bag when I could.” more messages flood in about which flavours, about other snacks he enjoys and what his favourite food is, but won catches one about his voice that makes his cheeks flush so bright that he instinctively leans back in the hopes that it becomes less noticeable. “to the person who said they loved my voice and that it was one of their favourites, thank you! that’s an honour... just in de:code, we have so many talented vocalists. I’m happy that you enjoy my singing. or is it my talking voice?” he all but giggles. “I’ve been told since my early teens that I have a really deep voice. I might get in trouble with him for telling you this but I always thought it was just in comparison to mingyu — his voice dropped after mine even though he’s a little older. I thought my voice can’t be that deep, but it really was all that time.” he hums, noticing a surprised question. “mhmm! I used to be taller, but now mingyu has a few centimetres on me. a lot of the de:code members are either very tall or very short. even though I’m tall, almost everyone around me my whole life has been taller than me. mingyu’s step dad is taller than me, too. I’m not tall enough! I want a couple more centimetres but I think it’s too late for me now...” he pouts once more, but it doesn’t last long. “did it hurt when you fell from the sky? did it hurt when you did?” his counter is embarrassing but he’d have had that same red tint to his cheeks either way so why not? 

i entered for the chance to come to your birthday fanmeeting but i didn't get chosen ): but i am glad you are doing a vlive and that i can still see you on your birthday. i hope that you've had a very enjoyable day, milo, i love you 😭 happy birthday!! 

“ah, that comment disappeared before I could read it out loud, but I saw it! thank you! I’m sorry there wasn’t a chance for you to come to the fanmeeting; I’m glad I could do a vlive for anyone who couldn’t make it. I was really surprised, actually. I was... kind of worried no one would come.” he laughs now, but he almost hadn’t slept last night stressing about it. perhaps it still hasn’t quite sunk in yet that he’s really an idol — in one of the top five companies, no less. “you can thank magnus when he gets here for persuading me to do both the fanmeeting and this vlive. I really wanted to do the vlive especially, but I was worried I wouldn’t be very entertaining. are you having fun?” his grin is probably a little too hopeful, but his viewers at least humour him. “you are? that’s a relief. but... should we listen to the music? what songs are everyone listening to lately? I’ve been listening to ‘love is the way’ by red velvet a lot.” he begins to sing a little as he scrolls through the music player on his phone, periodically glancing back up to catch a few comments. 

however, he squeaks when the door to the practice room clicks open suddenly. 

“ah, my knight in shining armour!” he’s all sparkling eyes and wide grins as he looks at mingyu off camera, arms raising to grabby hands at the glasses case in his boyfriend’s hands. “my glasses! oh, how I’ve missed you.” it takes an embarrassing amount of force to prize open the case as mingyu busies himself taking off his jacket. he pushes the frame up his nose, blinks a few times to adjust to the change. “that’s so much better. gyu, come sit with me.” he pats the chair beside him he’d saved just in case anyone popped in. he suspects seonho will bounce in later ( literally ), though he had hoped mingyu would come to lend him a hand soon after he started, too. said jacket is draped over the back of won’s chair, though he doesn’t realise until he feels the weight of the fabric brush his arms. he barely has chance to turn around before mingyu’s arms hang around his shoulders, pulling him back towards his chest. they sway, left to right to left to right, to the rhythm of mingyu’s gentle “happy birthday to you”, won’s grin growing to crinkle not only the bridge of his nose but the corners of his eyes, too. he’s still in a daze when he gets a birthday kiss to the cheek, mingyu finally taking his seat. 

“hello!” 

dumbly, won replies, “hi,” then realises, “oh, you weren’t talking to me— that’s embarrassing. a-anyway, what were we talking about? oh! songs. what songs you’re listening to lately. what have you been listening to, gyu? ah, I don’t think all of you have been listening to gorilla twenty-four-seven. you can tell us the truth, you know, we won’t tell anyone! it’ll be our little secret. shh.” once mingyu’s settled, he answers.

"if you have been listening to gorilla twenty-four-seven, though, I would like to personally thank you... but also encourage you to take a break to listen to to you 2020 by teen top and o sole mio by per_se." won hums in agreement, turning back to the comments. 

“someone else just said o sole mio, too.” he tries to point it out, but the message is long gone before he can even raise a finger. “you guys are so fast... there’s so many of you here.” there’s wonder in his voice, disbelief at the numbers displayed in the top left. are that many people really watching him sit around? and sending him that many hearts? he almost feels like crying. “I’m really bad with technology.” he admits, trying unsuccessfully to scroll back to some older messages before mingyu gently nudges his hand aside to take over. “our manager had to set up the live for me. he asked me what emojis I wanted in the title and I didn’t even know what to answer. I only know like, five emojis, and the cake one just makes me hungry.” he hums, patting his stomach once, then again for good measure. “what I mean is if I don’t see your comment, it’s probably a combination of bad eyesight and the speed the little feed moves, please don’t feel disheartened! keep sending it if I haven’t answered! w-wait, will they get banned for that? is it spam? word it differently each time!” he advises, though truthfully, he has no idea how it works. 

eventually, he spots one he feels he has to address, even if he isn’t too sure how best to answer it. “do I have any tips for someone that wants to be an idol...” he reads. “I know it probably feels a little like a boring answer and a given, but hard work absolutely pays off. also, if you don’t pass an audition, it does not mean you didn’t work hard or aren’t talented; there’s so much more to it than that. the casting agents might be looking for something specific for a group already planned out, for example.” for a moment, he pauses, purses his lips as he tries to piece together the words he’s looking for. “I think you should always be yourself and make yourself proud. your time will come; the agent or company that sees your worth and potential is the one you want to work with, anyway, right? practice as much as you can, but practice healthily and enjoy it. if you’re not having fun, take a break. it’s important to pace yourself and be good to yourself. there were times before I went on the mgas where I didn’t dance for weeks because I wasn’t in the right head space, but when I came back to it, I wanted to put more into it because I enjoyed it again and missed it. don’t build a bad relationship with performing. do it because you love it. a-ah, I think I got a little off topic there. do you have anything to add, gyu?” he smiles at his boyfriend as he begins to speak. 

“hm? oh... yeah! don't give up. I know that's probably irritating to hear after a while of trying as hard as you can, but I know how easy it can be to get disheartened. if it's really what you want, you can take a break if it'll help, but get back up and keep fighting for it. sometimes, doubt will make you think that it's pointless and that you should settle for something more ‘realistic’, and other people might urge you to, too, but don't listen to any of that. if you know in your heart that you can do it and it's truly what you want, don't let anyone or anything beat that dream out of you. you can do it!” 

for a little while, they continue to answer questions he spots in the comments — ones they realistically can answer, anyway. too many people are asking about a comeback or upcoming plans and he’s almost certain they aren’t allowed to even hint at anything or face their company’s wrath. between telling everyone for the tenth time that he rooms with seonho and mingyu, his curiosity gets the better of him as he eyes the bag mingyu brought with him. 

“what else did you bring?” subtlety hasn’t really ever been his forte. “you brought a whole bag with you just for my glasses?” his voice has dropped to a mumble, but it’s likely viewers can still hear him. the stream is the furthest from his mind as mingyu smiles and reaches for said bag, dragging it closer and as his hand delves inside, won’s neck cranes to see. 

“stop trying to peek, it's supposed to be a surprise!” won huffs as mingyu laughs fondly. “I brought you a birthday snack, too, in case you were hungry. you're welcome.” 

he should be embarrassed by the gasp that parts his lips but at the sight of cheetos ( and other snacks, but cheetos! ), his image is long forgotten. “ah, kim mingyu... once again my knight in shining armour.” he teases, fingers itching to tear open the top of the packet. “I haven’t had cheetos in a long time even though they’re my favourite.” he tells the camera. “I know earlier I said that to look like me you have to eat cheetos and that’s true, but I don’t know if any of you watched us on the mgas in season four but... I was very small. my height hasn’t changed; I’ve long since stopped growing.” he pouts shortly. “but I was very thin. I started working out with mingyu when we signed to royal and eventually some of the other trainees when I got more confident. these days I could bench press mingyu! I’m telling you! I had to stop eating cheetos, though, so you have to let me know if it was worth it; do I look good?” briefly, and embarrassingly, he flexes one arm, losing what little cool he had at mingyu’s over-dramatic ‘woah!’ and amused chuckle. “a-ah, n-no, don’t ask me to prove it. you just have to trust me!” he giggles, finally popping the first cheese puff into his mouth. 

“I want to play a game, but I don’t know what we can play with everyone. someone suggested we watch videos of ourselves on youtube, but I don’t think I’m quite used to seeing my own face in public yet.” his laugh is gentle and his cheeks pink. “maybe next time. leave suggestions in the comments and we’ll prepare something next ti—” 

his squeak gets caught in his throat when the door flies open, mingyu’s hand patting his back to help him catch his breath again. seonho’s bouncing over in all his glory, a shit-eating grin on his cute face. his arms wrap around his shoulders as mingyu’s had not too long ago and won can’t help but smile. “another very special guest.” the comments explode, ‘maknae on top’ filling the screen and won’s nose wrinkles in another laugh. he pulls mingyu’s chair closer and nudges his boyfriend to the side so that the three of them can fit across two seats, seonho settling in beside him to respond to comments with them. periodically, he offers the two cheetos, watching secretly with a hungry stomach as their hands dip into the bag. 

he doesn’t realise quite how long they’ve been live until someone says they have to go to bed to get up early in the morning. his eyes widen at the forty minute timer on the display and with a small content sigh, he turns to each of the boys beside him. “I think it’s about time we rounded this live off, right? it’s getting late and everyone should be getting plenty of rest.” with waves and a chorus of ‘bye!’s and ‘sleep well!’s, mingyu and seonho are out of frame for won to say his final goodbye for the night. 

he clears his throat, leaning in a little closer and adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. “everyone, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to spend my birthday with me, whether you came for five or forty minutes.” his smile is gentler than it has been the entire stream, his teeth just starting to show. honestly, he never believed today would go so well and he’s relieved that mingyu was able to persuade him to do it at all. he had been stubborn, stuck in his insecurities and worries, but he felt good now — like floating on a cloud high above the sky on a fair, lightly breezy day. “I’m so grateful for every second we spent together. I’ve had some really strange birthdays over the years,” he chuckles, “but this is definitely one I’ll never forget. it’s been an incredibly happy day; I hope you’ve all had just as wonderful of a time whatever it is you’ve been doing. plus, it’s friday! the weekend starts now, huh?” he purses his lips, then hums. “make sure to get lots of rest and stay healthy so we can keep meeting like this, okay? thank you again. goodnight, everyone! thank you for all the birthday wishes! bye bye!” he waves and waves for a good thirty seconds as the comments roll in to say goodnight in return. “a-ah, guys— how do I end it?” with a pair of laughs off camera, the live cuts off. 

[rkwon]

capture this smile.

august 10th, 2020: first comeback mini album photoshoot. 

TW BODY IMAGE, WEIGHT TALK

they haven’t had many opportunities to do modelling thus far, but won’s already decided he’s rather fond of it. perhaps he’d be more fond if the day didn’t feel a hundred hours long, especially with the dread of what he knows is to come in two days when they film the music video, but regardless, this is exciting — dare he say it, fun. 

considering he had always had reservations about his appearance, standing in front of a camera should be a source of stress for him. he’s loved the concept of photography since the moment he could understand it. a precious moment and memory forever immortalised in a snapshot that takes mere seconds to capture? what could be better? when your memory deteriorates with age, or even just the natural passing of time since that day, you can never forget a photo. when de:code have been around for years, hopefully comfortable in their position in the industry and experienced enough that the sluggishness he feels today from lack of sleep is so ingrained in him that he doesn’t notice it anymore ( not that this is a good thing, but a product of their line of work ), he might forget how it felt to debut, to be rookies. but he’ll never forget a teaser image, or a music video he can look up on youtube in seconds. it’ll always be there to remind him of what he’s achieved. 

yet, that’s not the reason at the forefront of his mind when he thinks about why he’s starting to enjoy this experience so much. it definitely isn’t the constant fresh dabs of make-up to touch up where he’s accidentally brushed his skin or the frantic hands fixing nudged hair. it certainly isn’t the heat of the professional lighting either. instead, it’s selfishly how confident it makes him feel. it’s hard to feel like he doesn’t fill out his clothes or he doesn’t have the most charming smile when the photographer is here solely to take pictures of them — him included. it’s surprisingly easy to pose in a way that looks natural once he settles in, even more so to control his expressions. ( after all, he had been doing it to lie to everyone around him for the best part of the first seventeen years of his life — he’d be disappointed if he’d struggled. ) it’s surprisingly easy to think maybe mingyu’s right, maybe he is a little handsome, because when the teasers drop, just like last time, people will say kind things about the sharpness of his jaw or the sparkle in his eyes. he doesn’t want to place so much of his confidence on external praise, particularly from strangers looking at final, touched-up photographs of him, but it certainly doesn’t do any harm to be showered in compliments. he’d already come leaps and bounds with just his loved ones, but now a fanbase of de:code listeners? and they’re all telling him the cruel words he’d heard his whole life are lies? a certain kind of joy bubbles in his chest. 

he supposes the root of it all is the satisfaction — how rewarding it feels. the validation of the worries and insecurities he’d carried with him for years, the kindness and patience of the photographers and the pride for a job well done. it feels like something new and exciting yet within his reach, something he could really hone in on and become good at if he’s given the chance to explore it more. it’ll always be a little weird, seeing his face on billboards to advertise their albums or on the company’s social media leading up to the release, but seeing a picture of himself and having happiness bloom in his heart is a feeling he wouldn’t trade for the world.

[rkwon]

another night’s sleep.

september 29th, 2020: ‘can you feel it?’ last stage at mtv the show.

it’s cliché to say but it feels like it’s all over far too quickly. it’s probably the almost zero sleep and the constant driving from schedule to schedule, but the month blurs into one long day before his eyes. september might have been merely a week and he wouldn’t have noticed, though it hardly matters. it’s good to be back promoting, and it’s good to finish at some point because, as much as he loves performing, it’s healthy for the body and the mind to take breaks. 

( besides, surely everyone would get sick of them being on their televisions constantly all year round, too. ) 

fatigue is well and truly etched into every muscle and bone in his body by now, but he tries not to let it ruin his energy. it’s one last performance, one last ending smile just in case they pan to him, one last chance to tug in another viewer to look out for them next time. the very last of his strength is a small price to pay to make a good impression. after all, it won’t be long until they’ll be done here, and when they are, then he can rest. then he can take the time he needs to recuperate and recover. it’s certainly a smaller shock to the system the second time around than when they debuted — he at least knew what kind of tiredness to expect; the type that weighs down your shoulders, like you’re carrying around a backpack full of bricks. he heaves out a sigh of relief when they exit the stage for the final time, his hand a little tingly from all the waving goodbye. 

it’d be easier to just fall into the first bed he comes across when they all shove through the door to their dorm at the end of the day, but he forces himself to stay awake until he can shower, clean all the sweat from his body and feel fresh and clean amongst his sheets. there’s only a day left in the month and he doesn’t doubt that in the first week of october, they’ll have something else lined up to get stuck into. plans have likely already been set in motion before they started this comeback, so it’s only a matter of time no matter what, but he’ll enjoy the freedom while it lasts — and most importantly, the sleep. 

[rkwon]

load the bases.

september 13th, 2020: performing at a baseball game.

truthfully, won has no interest in the sport. basketball in high school was probably the full distance won could stretch to, given that his boyfriend was his star player. baseball, however, he doesn’t know a thing about, but to be here feels strangely like an honour, so he’ll continue to believe it to feed his pride for the group. if he can say de:code performed at a baseball game with enough conviction, maybe he’ll make it sound impressive all on his own. 

regardless, it’s nice to perform somewhere with seemingly infinite space. after seeing so many idols fall off stages and slip on wet surfaces over the years, an open field seems like the safest place for them, even if it is a little cold. their stylists don’t wrap them up in any extra layers but he can’t say he’s surprised; as an idol, image and appearance matters far more than whether won’s a little susceptible to the bitter wind whipping through his shirt or not. if he’s lucky, one of his members will donate a coat to him once they’re in the cars to go home, or better yet, the driver will stick the heaters on. but for now, he tries to ignore how his hands shake when the familiar music starts, begs his voice not to tremble when his lines roll around. 

performing ‘can you feel it?’ is second nature now, but ‘gorilla’ is a refreshing touch. he prefers their comeback song to their debut, but he’s learnt to like it more after taking a break from listening to it on repeat to — what felt like — no end. he’s sure he’ll feel the same way about this track by the end of the month, and then again at christmas once he’s cycled through the same routine, but maybe that’s for the best. maybe he’ll grow to love each of their songs more as they add to the roster. it must get awfully frustrating performing the same one or two songs all the time. 

he’s out of breath by the time they finish both, the cold seeping into his bones. yet, when the game starts, he doesn’t feel it quite as strongly, the bodies close by him sharing a little of their warmth and mingyu’s careful eyes on him to wrap an arm around him each time he shivers. it’s only september, though, so he dreads to imagine what it’ll be nice once the weather truly turns bitter. 

however, baseball, he decides, isn’t as boring as he’d thought it would be. he still doesn’t understand the rules, nor when to cheer or boo, but it’s more entertaining than he’d expected. he’s not likely to be picking it up himself any time soon, though. 

[rkwon]

I can feel it.

september 2nd, 2020: de:code’s first comeback stage. ‘new world’ & ‘can you feel it?’ at mbc show champion.

it feels good to be promoting again. he thinks himself silly when he looks back on it, but in the month or two after their debut promotions ended, he almost worried de:code wouldn’t do anything again. their first mini album had been well received and their performances full of fans’ cheers, but the almost radio silence afterwards made his stomach churn. standing just off stage waiting to go on isn’t a guarantee that they’ll continue to be active like this in the future, but it’s a little more reassurance that it’s more likely than not. each comeback sets the tone for royal’s approach to the next — what works for them they’ll try again, what doesn’t they won’t, if they receive a lot of love they’ll return faster to capitalise on it, and if they don’t, maybe royal will lock them away until it feels profitable again. so, he works hard to make of it what he can. if he knows he’s put his all in, no matter the outcome, he can be proud of what he’s done. 

( though that is awfully hard to remember when he’s stumbling out of bed at around 5:30am wondering why he didn’t just get a normal nine-to-five job like everyone else. ) 

it’s a long day, though, with waiting room games and make-up retouches and rehearsals. he wonders why they realistically need to be here all day when they spend a decent chunk of it sitting around, but the chance to do nothing when you’re otherwise up and about from sunrise to set is still a welcome one. he might be a little bored on the days he forgets his book, but he’d rather be bored and comfortable on the waiting room sofa than being barked at in a dance studio to go from the top again. 

even when they finally get called on stage to perform their two first week tracks, the day isn’t close to over, but it’s easier to forget it when there’s an admittedly louder than he remembers roar of the crowd and the beat pumping through his veins. dancing is always enjoyable, but for an audience, it feels so much better. he’s smiling even when the performance doesn’t really call for it, even when the camera isn’t focused on him at all, because he’s having so much fun being back here. he prefers ‘can you feel it?’ to their sibling song, but his ethic and approach doesn’t change between the two. they have such tough competition this time of year that he already knows there’s no win for them in this comeback, but he’s not too upset about it. there’ll be more chances and it’s only their second mini album, anyway; it feels too ambitious to hope for anything yet. ( not to mention the large shoes they have to fill first — luxe’s well deserved success had set a precedent for them to achieve great things in their own time. )

what matters is that he enjoys it, because even if they did stand a chance at nomination this promotional period, it wouldn’t feel quite as sweet if he didn’t feel like he’d contributed what he could to deserve it. 

[rkwon]

tattletale.

september 5th, 2020: de:code at cultwo show.

if won had to choose, of all the extra activities they do for promotions, radio shows are his favourite. at first, he’d seen them as an added worry — you’re relying so hard on the things you say to be entertaining and draw listeners in. however, as they visit a wider variety of shows, radio and television, he realises that the former is the least undignified of them all. 

won isn’t the funniest person in the world. his stories are often told with a firm tone, as if he’s reciting a paragraph from a cue card rather than the happiest parts of his memory. his taste in jokes is bad puns, animal videos you’d see in the dead of night on television just to fill the time before regular programming comes back on at sunrise. but he’s better at telling a boring story than he is at doing push-ups with another member on his back ( rather, he can’t do it at all ) or making his way through an assault course. he’d rather be laughed at for being a little awkward than because he never had the physical strength to lift another human being with relative ease or kick a ball into a goal. it leaves less of a bruise on his confidence to just be shy. 

it’s not the only schedule lined up today, but it’s a welcomed break ( and the first of the promotion cycle ) amongst long days at music shows. cultwo show prides itself on its interesting candid tales from hosts and guests, so he’s never a perfect fit for this either, but he rattles off a time someone rested their head on his thigh for ‘just a moment’ to catch their breath and ended up falling asleep, or the time he almost got lost on the way back from the bathroom at a music show just after debut. it’s a good time, just laughing and talking about their new album and the process of making every aspect of it. it’s easy to talk about the things he knows, the professional experiences he’s lived only just recently. the tension seeps out of his shoulders in a heavy, content sigh not long after they’ve started, his heart light and his smile serene and small. 

radio shows, he could definitely get used to. 

[rkwon]

and let the music be your guide.

( BACKDATED ! JANUARY 24TH, 2020 ) 

A staff member leads you down Royal’s winding hallways to So Jiseob’s office, then opens the door and leads you inside, where the CEO awaits, sitting at his desk. He doesn’t look up as you enter; he’s too preoccupied with paperwork in front of him. Seated across from his desk, next to an empty chair, is a company lawyer whom you recognize from before; she’d been present when you signed your initial company contract. The staff member directs you to take the empty chair next to the lawyer and then leaves. You hear the door close and the latch click back into place just as your CEO finally looks up and offers the tiniest hint of a smile.

He folds his hands on the desk in front of him, eyes settling on yours. “When trainees first sign a contract with a company, they are devoting themselves to at least two years of training. They usually don’t expect the time to pass so quickly, but it does,” he ruminates mildly.  “Years of training and hopes leads to one dream usually: debut.”

“But, you’re no ordinary trainee. Since our pre-debut project started in August, you’ve been groomed to be a member of DE:CODE, a debut group I have incredibly high hopes for. Since then, I’ve seen you grow a lot in your training. You’ve had your ups and downs, plenty of both good and bad.” He pauses, and diverts his attention back to his desk, where he shuffles paperwork until he sets one singular sheet of paper in front of him. “You have two important roles to fill in. Don’t allow this to put pressure on you, but instead to serve as an incentive for your actions. I’ve been proud of your growth here, and I trust you to do your best to continue to improve, even after debut. This, here,” he says, motioning towards the document, “is a contract exclusive to DE:CODE and will tie you to this group, and to Royal Entertainment, for the next six years.”

He finally becomes a little less stoic, and shows the glimpse of a real smile as he slides the contract toward you and hands you a pen. “If we share the same vision of making DE:CODE one of the top boy groups in all of Korea, and you wish to be a part of this journey, you know what to do.”

won’s never been lead down to any office before, much less so jisub’s— but won likes to think he has a vague idea of what this is about, even if not quite the intentions. he can’t recall anything he’s done particularly wrong recently. he didn’t post during the social media ban, didn���t talk back to any of their coaches or slack in practice. the most criminal thing he’s done is steal mingyu’s water bottle when he thought he wasn’t looking ( he was ), so he can’t possibly be in trouble per se. it has to be about de:code, though what he doesn’t know. 

perhaps it’s a final notification that though he hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong in the past few months of preparation, he just doesn’t fit the bill anymore. after all, the two roles he’s been given are big shoes to fill when paired together; had he shown enough growth, enough strength to bear their weight? a final warning that he needs to to maintain his position? to downgrade his roles? something about meeting rooms and offices makes him sweat, the nerves shaking his fingers and his feet stumble. he remembers when they were first told about the opportunity to audition for dream knight, before they knew it was dream knight. he remembers signing the initial royal contract, and de:code being revealed. he remembers how fast his heart had pounded and it isn’t much different from now. he wishes mingyu could be here with him to keep him calm but he knows he’ll be doing the same at some time today, if he hasn’t already. they’re doing this together and that’s enough for him to know that no matter what happens in there, he’s always loved and cared for. 

however, that doesn’t mean this isn’t still absolutely terrifying, unfortunately. 

but, it’s good news — an entirely new contract for a whopping six years, though won couldn’t have expected any less. hell, if they’d have been doing this a few years ago, it would’ve been longer. above all else, though, it’s a relief. the paper in front of him, the ( sort of ) encouraging words of their ceo, it makes everything so real. if recording the songs, learning the choreography and filming and photoshoots weren’t enough, this contract is the final strike to his heart and, more importantly, self doubt. he’s here, admittedly a lot quicker than a lot of people, and he’s ready — at least in royal’s eyes. 

he isn’t sure how he’s supposed to not feel the pressure when he words it in such a way, but he appreciates the sentiment. embarrassingly, at first, he’d been a little sour not being solely a dance-focus member, but as time progressed, his luck became more and more apparent. realistically, he should be in charge of what he wishes to show to the world of himself. if he wanted to be solely a dancer, he could have focused entirely on that; the same goes for singing. but having both under his belt officially means he has the unfortunately otherwise rare opportunity to show off both. royal will dictate his lines, his positioning in formations, his involvement in projects adjacent or external to de:code as a group— being both a dancer and a singer opens more doors for him than he perhaps deserves. these days, he’s grateful even if said pressure does come crashing down on him every so often. 

he glances down at the paper. he has no problem signing it, has no doubt that his only condition to doing so will be met. so jisub doesn’t need to flower it up, tell him how proud of him he is and how de:code will be one of the top groups in the country— all he needs to do is hand him the pen. 

truthfully, it all feels a lot less intimidating than he had imagined, more anticlimactic. the ink glides over the paper with ease after he’s read over all the information ( he’ll sign no matter what, but he’d be a fool not to read it just in case ). the next six years of his life go with it as he slides it back across the table with a dip of his head. he hasn’t said anything beyond soft yeses and hums since he sat down, but he takes this moment of quiet to do so, eyes sparkly and grin gentle. 

“thank you for everything you’ve done for me up until now, and in the future for all of de:code. I’m so grateful for this opportunity and I promise I will work hard to continue to grow well and do my absolute best for de:code.” 

and jeon won’s promises aren’t made lightly, even if he can’t link pinkies with his ceo. here’s the future! 

[rkwon]

⯁ DE:CODE FEBRUARY EVALUATION: AUTO-FLASH !

FEBRUARY 7TH 2020 DEBUT ALBUM PHOTOSHOOT

( tw !! body image, insecurity, child neglect mention )

won has decided: music video filming is so much easier than photoshoots. 

though they won’t be filming their debut music video for a few days yet, won already anticipates that it’ll be a much smoother process for him in its entirety. he isn’t uncomfortable in front of cameras anymore, not after everything he’s been through, but to pose is another kettle of fish altogether. filming dance scenes for music videos, especially, is just like performing any other time. for the mgas, of his own practice for reference— what’s the difference besides the budget and set around him? he’s dancing, something he feels completely at ease doing, but angling his head at a good position for the lighting or the line of his jaw is new to him, unknown. 

though won doesn’t think he’s unattractive in general, he isn’t overly confident in his appearance either. mingyu has helped over the years, particularly once they started dating and nothing held him back, and won won’t deny that his facial structure is complementary. his build is where he starts to feel nervous, his thin limbs and almost impressive height making him stick out starkly against his god of a boyfriend with his beautiful tanned skin and athletic body. won knows they’re completely different people and he tries his best never to compare himself to his other half, especially given their differing circumstances growing up ( it’s hard to build muscle on such little food, for example ) but it’s far too easy to wonder what anyone would find attractive in him when all the things he is drawn to in his boyfriend are qualities he doesn’t — and likely never will — possess. 

that being said, he doubts royal would debut him no matter how good he is as a dancer or vocalist if he didn’t fit visually. it hurts him to admit that the industry is so shallow, but it’d likely sting more if he didn’t acknowledge and accept it before he hands himself over to it. there’s always going to be people out there in the general public that don’t like the way his nose crinkles or how toothy his smile is, how small he looks next to his more built members, but at least he is prepared for it — as much as one can be, anyway. 

he turns his body on command, shoulders more at an angle that elongates them. he’s grateful that even if he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, the photographers and all the staff involved in these shoots are gentle with him. it only takes a moment to understand that this might be one of any of their first few photoshoots, being rookies ahead of debut, and another moment to act accordingly to make this easier for everyone. 

that doesn’t mean, though, that he’s going to love this awkward, strange process any time soon, though. maybe one day, but for now, he still feels like a child posing for his school photos — except this time, people are actually going to buy and own them. even stranger. 

[rkwon]

⯁ DE:CODE DECEMBER EVALUATION: LIKE A GORILLA !

DECEMBER 24TH 2019 PRACTISING ‘GORILLA’

honestly, the last thing he wants to be doing on christmas eve is training — even if it is their debut song. 

he debates showing up for their vocal practice in reindeer antlers, but after waking up still half asleep, he’d decided against it for the sake of not accidentally upsetting anyone else in the same way having to force himself here over christmas is upsetting him. 

it’s a long day, as every day on their schedule is, and at the end of it all, he finds himself tucked into a practice room regardless of the festive movies awaiting him at home and the mistletoe he’d hidden under his bed in an effort to persuade mingyu to kiss him when no one is looking. and had they been under any other circumstances, he would definitely be back at the dorms indulging in all of that, in the holiday spirit, but with the tasks they’d been given this month, he just didn’t have the time. 

on top of music videos, trips to the salon, photoshoots, new adaptations to already learnt choreographies, he has to adapt himself to an entirely new style, almost what feels like someone else’s voice, for some of his potential lines in their debut song. pushing him out of his comfort zone is exactly what he expected, but like this? it’s overwhelming. there’s only so much he can worry about at once, only so much he can struggle with and yet, royal had somehow managed to cram all of it into one month — his favourite time of the year, too, loaded with irrelevant activities and completely ignored in favour of all the stress he’s supposed to forget for a few days around the 25th. there’s always next year, he supposes. 

today, he sits with his legs outstretched on the floor, his lyrics sheet between his knees and his phone as a paperweight. he hits play on the demo on said device, looping it back to the beginning to practice his earlier lines. running through them alone, his words echo around the room. they feel as empty as they sound as he hangs his head in frustration. less than a week to go and though he’s much better than when they started, he still feels like he’s got his head in a pillory, ready and waiting for the ridicule and embarrassment from their coaches to start the new year and fresh decade. kicking the back of his heels against the ground, he repeats his first line over and over and over until he grows tired of it, then the second until he bores of that, too, and repeat. eventually, he lies back against the dirty floor and sighs. 

maybe his luck is finally running out. 

[rkwon]

⯁ DE:CODE DECEMBER EVALUATION: LIKE A GORILLA !

DECEMBER 30TH 2019 FINAL PERFORMANCE

their debut song catches him entirely off guard. he’d heard their warnings, that it would be a lot different to their predebut songs in order to make a strong impact on release, but he didn’t expect this. one thing that does get him excited, though, is the potential choreography. but, they have to learn the lyrics first, and of course, perform their potential parts at the end of the month — even if everything feels like it’s moving at a million miles an hour, at least it’s consistent. 

listening to ‘gorilla’ for the first time is a strange experience. fortunately, the lyrics don’t go the angle he fearfully expected them to ( and he supposes that’s because seonho is still, thankfully, very young ) and the beat and backing track themselves are ridiculously catchy, but what worries him is what will be on his paper once it’s handed to him. he already knows the higher notes will go to baekhyun and seonho and the raps to mingyu and minho, but there’s a limbo in the middle where the rest of them fall and he isn’t quite sure what it means. where the song fits his desire to dance, it doesn’t feel like it quite fits his singing style. it’s only his first listen, so it’s likely he’d missed them, but there’s no lines he feels would suit him. everything isn’t quite vocal enough for him to sing, but also not rap enough for him to avoid. he knows he’s not going to love every song and certainly won’t get to feel confident with everything they release, but as he looks back down at his lyric sheet and notes the lines he’s been told to practice, he can’t help but wonder how he’s going to adapt to make this work. 

he practises his lines diligently, asks mingyu for help with the earlier parts that don’t quite feel natural for his voice despite its deep tone giving him a slight advantage. it feels much more daunting this time around than in previous. even with two songs in october and november, the amount they have to balance this month on top of not really know where he fits into their debut song, he feels this throat closing up sometimes when they run through the song together as a group. he dips his head each time, apologises, promises himself he’ll make up for it when they get the choreography by learning it quickly, helping everyone else, but right now, it isn’t much comfort. he spends most of his time running his hands through his hair in frustration and worry, but by the time their final performance rolls around, he’s managed to make a conscious effort of keeping them by his sides. 

learning the words for his lines isn’t a problem, but he still glances over the sheet before they begin just in case. highlighted, doodled on, annotated— they’re hard to miss on the paper, even with his nervous, darting eyes. 

the coach’s eyes fall on him for his turn and with a shaky breath, he breathes in just before he sings the first line. one of his potential parts is the opener and he tries to deliver it with confidence ( even if he doesn’t feel it that strongly ), following it quickly with the second. a few seconds break and he sings his third potential line, another he didn’t feel at all calm about, before taking another break, a few seconds longer than the last. 

his next line jumps forward to a minute in. though it follows the exact same structure as his previous lines, it’s a little longer and he has to maintain a strange balance in delivery for the eight seconds it spans. this style of almost speak or rap singing, even after all the help and guidance he’d received, still feels strange on his tongue, so when he comes to his final potential line, at just over two minutes in, the way his shoulders relax is likely visible as the comfort with actually singing seeps in. it’s a pretty line, one he really hopes he gets ( but knows better than to do so too much, lest he be disappointed ) and one he executes without hesitation or error. it suits him well, at least compared to how he felt about the other lines, but now that they’re done, that the song is done, he can feel the nervousness creeping back in. 

all that’s left to do now is wait. but that’s the worst part, especially after how uncertain he’d felt about his other parts. time will tell, however, but if the way royal had spoken to some of the other members these past couple of months was anything to go by, he’d likely have to brace a storm incoming. 

[rkwon]

⯁ DE:CODE JANUARY EVALUATION: HEART POUND !

JANUARY 31ST 2020 FINAL PERFORMANCE

where he lacks in vocal lines, he more than makes up for it in the choreography — and won is so grateful for the chance, even if it makes him a little nervous. 

starting front and centre of their debut song ( even if not their first song, it’s still what will go down in history as their official debut and he will be the centre face— breathe ) is entirely terrifying. what excitement and pride he has is almost completely countered by fear and pressure, or rather, the dangerous combination of both. he doesn’t want to let anyone down or lose the audience in those precious opening seconds before the song really kicks in. 

( he reminds himself royal wouldn’t choose him for this if he isn’t capable of doing it, but it only helps until they start from the top and he takes position once again. everything about this is so surreal. ) 

over the course of last month, with all the uncertainty and lack of confidence around learning his selection of potential lines, he’d set himself the goal of mastering the choreography quickly enough to be of use to the rest of the group, particularly anyone less comfortable with dance. he knew he’d be helping mingyu, not because his boyfriend isn’t capable, but because it’s the perfect excuse to spend time alone with him, but he’d feel more at ease helping where he can knowing that he’ll lack on the vocal side. nothing had quite felt like it’d fit him too well, but he expected ahead of time that the dance would be his chance to shine — and he was right. 

it starts with relief that the references to gorillas aren’t so literal in the choreography. they bang on their chest enough for won’s to ache a little at first as he misjudges his movements, but beyond that, there’s little that links the titular animal to their stage. it’s high energy, fun and full of moments fans can easily pick up on and perform with them. thankfully, too, it often allows the member singing or rapping to slow their movements or stand still almost to ensure stability when they add vocals. he doesn’t know just yet if they’ll be lipsyncing anything, and if at all, how much, but for the endless times they’ll likely perform this song, it’s a valuable luxury to have. after his time on the mgas and subsequent focused training, he’s pretty confident in how to balance everything but it’s a skill that has to be learnt and practised, so he understands that not everyone is there yet; seasoned idols included. it’s hard, after all. 

in practising and helping mingyu, he had become more comfortable with the choreography, too. by the time their final performance rolls around, he’s feeling relaxed — not complacent, but not stressed. he believes in himself and the work he’s putting in, even if he had had his doubts when dragged to so jisub’s office a week ago. it’s easy in moments like that to think the worst, at least for won, but signing on the dotted line had lifted a weight off his shoulders and now he just wants to show the coaches what he’s capable of and have fun doing so. 

the song starts soft before jumping to high energy like the flick of a switch. he takes pride in his starting position today, grins as he dances until they switch formations and jihoon takes over as centre with his opening line. he doesn’t sing until much later, so he’s already instinctively putting all of his focus on his movements. when the time comes, he’ll take it easier, but for now, he’s giving it a hundred and ten per cent — no more, no less, and what royal and more importantly, de:code, deserve from him. 

although there’s no part he doesn’t like, the pre-choruses and ending are definitely won’s favourites of the stage. the former for their smooth movements, the latter for the playfulness of his and minho’s duo part. his expressions are natural yet practised, though there’s no cameras for him to find and direct them to. instead, he focuses on the coaches when he’s closer to the front or centre, maintains what he believes to be a strong presence and performance from the second they start to the final formation, chest rising and falling steadily, breathing heavy. 

excitedly, he bows in gratitude to their coaches and grins. dancing always brings this out of him,; the adrenaline rush that convinces him he’s ready to tackle whatever’s coming next. perhaps he won’t feel so pumped when he’s told whatever that may be, but for now, it’s a welcome and warming feeling spreading through his chest that he’s desperate not to let go of. it’s all happening, preparations ticked off one by one and debut so close. he can’t wait. 

[rkwon]

⯁ DE:CODE OCTOBER EVALUATION: READY, SET !

OCTOBER 31ST, 2019 FINAL PERFORMANCE

it’s still quite hard to believe, even holding the lyrics in his hand before he goes in for one last refresher, that these songs really are theirs — not a cover, not a special song for the mgas, but entirely de:code’s. 

he can’t be sure they were made with the group as it is in mind, but the very idea of it is enough to get his heart racing even more as he waits patiently to be called for their final performance of their potential lines. he’s been lucky enough to have a great deal of both songs at his fingertips, but he doesn’t expect to keep even a fraction of the parts presented to him. he’s a lead vocal, not a main, and with so many talented singers in the group, even a fair distribution wouldn’t give them a great deal each, but honestly, won would be happy to have a little less. having less singing parts means he should get to put more of his energy into dancing — bearing in mind their new songs have an enjoyable enough choreography. he’s looking for something a little energetic, that keeps his body moving without pause, especially for the more serious ‘what time is it now?’. personally, so far, he preferred the happier ‘I’m fine’, but he worries a cuter concept could fall prey to a less exciting choreography. ( how he doesn’t understand; these songs literally breathe upbeat, vibrant dances, but he’s seen it happen a few times as well as the reverse — as fiercer concepts being too much and feeling overwhelming. nervously, he wills himself to trust royal. surely, after all these years, they know what they’re doing. ) 

but for now, the choreographies are a thing of the future and the song itself is the here and now, or in about five minutes when the member before him finishes and he begins. 

he’s memorised each song entirely by now, but the sheets of paper clutched in his shaking fingers offer him a little comfort he seems to desperately need. it’s only lines, only a test to see how they sound with de:code’s own songs and not copying someone else’s, but it feels like it determines more than that. it feels like his future weighs on these moments; what parts he’ll get in the future, whether or not he’ll seamlessly fit into the group, whether or not fans will notice him on stage. if he can’t make himself worth watching in their predebut stage, with this opportunity, what chance does he have? sure, he’s been on the mgas, as a contestant and a coach, but will that matter if he seems to have gotten worse by debut? it’s so many questions at once, so much going on his head, that he almost misses his cue. 

“hello.” he greets with a deep bow before finally pushing what of his nerves that he can to the side and sucking in a deep breath. he has a fair amount to get through, but he starts with ‘I’m fine’, their ‘ready’ concept. his potential lines include a repeated chorus part, so a lot of the minute or so that he’s been given is the same, but it only means he feels more and more confident with it the further through the song he gets. it’s hard not to bounce on the balls of his feet a little whilst he carefully sings, but whenever he notices, he tones it down as to not let it affect her impression of him or his stability. singing whilst dancing isn’t a problem for him and hadn’t been even before he signed. when he was on the mgas, it was something he took pride in, but this isn’t about that; this is only about his voice, how well he can carry the lines, deliver emotion and how well he’ll fit with the other colours and tones of the group. 

once he’s finished, he lets a lot of the tension drain from his shoulders with a warm, happy smile. 

‘what time is it now?’ comes next, it’s more ‘boy crush’ beat still making his body bounce. again, a large portion of his parts to learn are from the chorus, so he breezes through them once they come with a practised ease. when he takes a moment to properly look over soonyang rather than glance, he’s not at all surprised to find that there’s no indication of how well he’s doing on her features. ( though he thinks that’s likely for the best; not knowing means he can’t get his hopes up, or feel disappointed already when the final verdict hasn’t been decided. )

when that finishes, he quietly huffs out a sigh of relief. it’s been terrifying and his fingers are still trembling but it’s done and that’s the hard part over. what comes next is final distributions, recording, dancing, music videos— all the fun things that he’s been dreaming about, all the preparation that doesn’t crush him under the pressure because it’s all already decided without him. he takes his seat again when he’s dismissed, folding his copied lyrics in his palm before he sits on them. his nerves are still visible but there’s a bright smile on his lips. now all they have to do is wait. 

[rkwon]

( ★ ) mgas season four five      → 6.2: interviewing… coach won !

he hadn’t had to do much of this last season — interviews; sitting in front of a camera and just talking about his feelings, trying carefully to pick the right words and let the right expressions wash over his sharp features. desperately, he’d held onto the notion that he’d always been better at words than actions, but in all honesty, he’d still come away from his season four audition interview a little shaken. 

the camera kind of unnerves him all over again, despite the fact he’s spending more and more time around them lately. filming for dream knight is different to this, though — this is him, jeon won is all his shy, strange glory and not wonwoo, a character created to be charismatic and smooth. won fiddles with the bottom of his shirt where dream knight wonwoo would have flashed a million watt smile to the staff taking care of him. 

there’s no chance for him to prepare, no warning before they’re hitting him with the first question, only a loud clear of their throat to even ensure he was alert and listening. his eyes narrow as he listens, a habit from reading without his glasses. he’s not sure what he’s looking at on the wall behind the interviewer, but he doesn’t have time to process anything anyway. 

“so, what do you think of your team so far? what are your first impressions of them as a whole?” 

he blinks, wonders how else he’s supposed to answer this question. he does genuinely like his group so far; they’re all talented, all hard workers and, from what he can tell, want to be here, but if he didn’t, would he really say so? would anyone really damn themselves in such a way? had he gotten lucky? perhaps they even put together groups they thought might clash in an attempt to create something juicy for the edit team; he wouldn’t put it past mnet. after all, just last year, they pit them all against each other for positions and performances, allowing higher ranking members to steal songs and lines from those lower. anything to stir up a little tension so they can reuse that dramatic music. with any luck for mnet, someone will mess up this season so they can use that titanic track they also seem to love. 

“team royal are great!” he gradually grins, a smile that stretches up into his cheeks rather than immediately takes over his entire face in a snap of his fingers. it’s too early to say he adores them or anything like, but he is already more than impressed with their progress and genuinely hopeful for them. “like you said, I don’t know them all so well yet since it’s only been a day, but they’re all incredibly talented and hardworking — that’s my first impression and definitely fact, too. I think they’ll be able to vibe really well together on stage for their final performance, too; as performers, I think they match well.” he isn’t observant enough to notice any clashes in their personalities but he prays there had been nothing for him to neglect to notice. “they’re all quite different, after all, so they’ll be able to shine individually but also come together nicely as a team. I think we’ll see new sides of them, too!” maybe to most these are just stock answers to a basic question, but he believes them wholeheartedly. he wants them to push past their comfort zone a little, learn a dance a little trickier than they’ve done before or a style of song they’re not used to. things like that go a long way in a competition like this, as far as he remembers. ( the more he thinks of his season, the more his brain blocks it out. ) 

the interviewer clears their throat once more. “how do you feel about their progress so far?” 

he nods excitedly. “it’s only been a day but they’re doing really well! no spoilers but the song they picked feels really perfect for royal, in my opinion. they’re definitely going to add their own touch to it, but so far, it’s still early days.” his laugh is soft, airy — fond. “I’ve been trying my best to help with dancing since I think it’s going to push some of them a little harder than they’re used to on that front, but that challenge...” he pauses to find the right words. “that challenge will make their performance even better when it’s ready for the world to see. you’ll all see how hard they’ve worked and root for them, I know it!” 

but he realises a little late that he hasn’t really answered the question but honestly, he’s not sure how. in such early times, how can he say how things are going? or rather, what can he say that he hasn’t already? his bottom lip pops out from between his teeth as his expression turns thoughtful, and before the interviewer can butt in with another question, he beats them to it. “I think they’re progressing well. at the rate they’re going, I think they’ll have plenty of time to iron out any wrinkles in their final product. I have every faith in them to show you, the audience, their best performances yet.” 

checking he’s done, won nods to let the interviewer ask their next question. “what’s the most important thing you’d like to teach your team as a coach?” 

he loves this question. though he doubts any of his interview will air, and certainly not this part, he feels a weight lifting off his shoulders that he gets to answer it at all. 

“to remember to have fun.” that’s the simple answer. of course, won couldn’t leave it at that. it’s too easy to spin in any way mnet desires, in any way anyone desires — too broad, too vague. “this is a competition, and last season when I was a contestant— it was a competition then, too, but what it isn’t is the end of the world. the same goes to those who have been eliminated; don’t worry. this might be the end of the road for your mga journey, or it might feel like it will be each week, but it’s not the end of the world. it’s not the end of your dream.” he sucks in a deep breath. “unfortunately, the nature of any competition means those who don’t win become disheartened, feel inferior, and sometimes, even those who get exactly what they wanted from it,” like me, “feel that way, too. it pits you against people you will consider your friends by the end and you’re always going to be your own worst critic, but if you have fun and remember that everything happens for a reason, even if you’re unfortunately eliminated, at least you will feel like it’d all been worth something. you’ll have enjoyed the time you had rather than dwell on what could have been if you’d gone through to the next round.” he shakes his head. “it’s especially bad this close to the final. I remember feeling like this was it — that each week, I wouldn’t be good enough to get through and waiting to hear your name be called... it really stomps all over your confidence. but everyone here is talented. you have to be to be here. don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. anyway—” his cheeks flush a soft, embarrassed pink. “yeah, the most important thing I’d like to teach them is to enjoy their time here. that’s why we perform, right? because we love it. because we love to entertain and make others happy with our performances.” his grin once more takes over his entire face— entire body as he sits up straight, nods rapidly again. 

“any last words for your team?” 

he laughs. “continuing from that last wordy answer; don’t forget to have fun! don’t forget that no matter the outcome, you put in your all and you should be proud of yourselves! believe in yourselves! you’re going to nail this. you’re already making your coaches proud! good luck, team royal!” kick ass! ( he bites his tongue; he’s not sure the word ass is allowed on air. ) 

[rkwon]

one last time.

( ★ ) mgas season four five      → 7.2: interviewing… coach won !

it’s been a week since he was here last but it feels like five minutes with how busy he’s been. he wonders if the cameras can see the bags under his excited eyes, but he tries to push that to the back of his mind. this isn’t about him at all, this is about team royal and the finale and everything that rests on their shoulders over the next week. 

he just hopes no one crumbles under the pressure. 

“so,” the interviewer begins, shuffling papers as always, “it’s the finale already. how do you feel about last week’s semi final? team royal won.” 

he beams, all his teeth on full show and his nose crinkling at the bridge. he’s so proud, so overjoyed for the team, for their sweet taste of victory even if he knows how pressuring it can feel at the same time. 

“I’m really proud of team royal! they showed us an incredibly performance — as expected! — and worked hard for a well deserved first place! all the groups were phenomenal, honestly, I don’t know how the ceos managed to pick a member of each one to eliminate.” his laugh is airy, his expression turning much softer as he shuffles in his seat. “the competition is really tough this year. it’s tough every year but I think I can look at it with a clearer mind this year since I’m not part of it. it’s really scary being on that stage waiting to find out if you’ve been eliminated— I hope all the contestants who went home this week are proud of themselves for coming so far.” taking a deep breath, he continues. “after all, the season started with a hundred contestants, and that’s not even everyone that initially applied. to get into the top twenty five of who knows how many applicants... that’s absolutely something to be proud of.” 

he laughs, “but now it’s onward for our finalists! for team royal!” 

the interviewer checks he’s done before asking their next question. “how do you think team royal will do this week?” 

it’s laced with a especially since they won last week silently tacked on the end but won’s glad they don’t voice it. going into this episode, the final, it shouldn’t matter even to them who won last week. what matters is working hard and giving their all and enjoying the last step in their mga journey. reminding them they won every two seconds is only going to make them overcompensate to attempt to maintain that lead. won thinks the best performances come when you stay calm, when you’re composed and hopeful and passionate — not when you’re scared of disappointing or worrying about winning per se. 

“from their practice, they’re definitely going to do really well! their chosen songs are great and they’re working really well together as a team.” he also knows that the disagreement from last week had aired ( did he really expect any different, though? ) so saying so is almost a dig. it isn’t hard to believe, though, and the proof is in their performances — they work well together. fighting every so often is only natural, and honestly, most of the time, it brings people closer together, anyway. 

“I think you’ll really enjoy their performances! they’re doing something a little different since they get to perform a song to match another company and it’s really a breath of fresh air and a real mood maker!” he thinks so, anyway. 

“great. it seems like the atmosphere this week is really good in practice. you played a prank on the team?” 

he laughs, warm and gentle and all deep tones. “yeah, it was cheri sunbae and ella sunbae’s idea. I think it’s important to keep things happy and lighthearted, especially at such a stressful time in the competition.” his mind flashes back to their expressions when they’d arrived and the ice cream cake they’d brought to ‘treat’ them with had promptly splattered across the floor. “they were really shocked— I felt bad because I thought there was going to be tears at one point but we quickly brought out the real one for them. it was so lovely to get to sit down with them and just... relax. they definitely deserved some rest time. the competition is heating up, but... their health and happiness come first, always. I hope we made a stressful, rough time a little easier on them.” 

finally, the interviewer asks their usual ending question. “any last words for team royal?” 

this is his last chance to address them like this so he turns fully to the camera, sits up straight and claps his hands together with a wide, proud grin. “team royal!” he almost shouts. “you’ve worked so hard throughout the whole of this competition and we’re all so proud of you! I hope you’ve enjoyed not only working with us coaches, but each other and everyone else you’ve had the pleasure of meeting or reuniting with over the last seven episodes. I hope you’ve had fun and that you’ll never give up no matter the results of the finale.” he relaxes his shoulders a little, his features softening. “you’re all extremely talented and the world is your oyster — don’t forget that. and don’t forget what we taught you! and especially don’t forget to absolutely smash your performance and give it all you’ve got! good luck!” 

[rkwon]

turn back time.

( ★ ) mgas season four five      → 7.1: one more time… coach won !

( tw !! brief weight talk )

honestly, though it’s probably for the best for his health, won is genuinely sad that his involvement in the fifth season seems to be ending as soon as it’s begun. 

only a week or so ago, they were being announced as coaches in the first place and now they’re breezing into the final week, the grand finale and trying to find a way to go out with a bang. though there’s one less person in the room this week ( a loss won mourns but, alike his season, understands they cannot avoid — hopefully, hyojin knows that there’s so much more out there for him, especially with his talent ), the atmosphere is just as lively, if not more so. 

probably because they won. 

though he can’t know exactly how they’re feeling, he does remember the way his heart had swelled both in joy and fear last year on the occasions his team had won or come close, or he had somehow been chosen as the strongest dancer of the competition. it still baffles him now how he’d ever gotten the title, always finding an excuse to play down how hard he works or how far he’s come over the years. what had been clear no matter what, though, was the pressure it put on him to maintain it. no doubt whilst the victory tastes so sweet, there’s a thought running through their heads at some point that wanders how they’re going to top that episode, how they’re going to maintain their lead. 

the problem is, these shows are so unpredictable, won doesn’t think there’s actually any way to secure anything. even if you do do the best performance of the night, so much more goes into deciding behind the scenes that shouldn’t ( who is going to bring their companies the most money, largely, he assumes ) that it doesn’t even matter — you could still come dead last. 

for that reason, he hopes they choose something they’ll have fun performing — that will at least make them proud of themselves and of what they brought to the table for the final episode of an otherwise rocky series. 

and it’s also why he doesn’t mind a little lighthearted fun to take their minds off the stress in the final week, even if it is a pain to clean up ice cream cake from the studio floor. 

their expressions are priceless and even he cracks a grin seeing their eventual relief when a second, intact cake is revealed to them before they dig in. admittedly, he doesn’t have more than a couple mouthfuls, wary of the trainers that will no doubt push him twice as hard in their workout sessions and practices to keep his weight from fluctuating too much. what he does eat, though, is heavenly and he vows to one day buy one for him and mingyu. perhaps to celebrate the end of dream knight filming. 

balancing the two is still hard. he doesn’t get to be with the group as much as he’d like, to guide them through their final week. guilt weighs on his heart so heavily that he visits despite mingyu and ella’s urging for him to rest, passes some wisdom particularly regarding finding the camera whilst on stage that joohyun had taught him last season ( would she be proud? ) and ironing out a few kinks in the choreographies of their chosen songs. by the end of the week, he can’t decide if he feels happy with how much he’s contributed, can’t help but wonder if they’d have been better off with a coach who wasn’t so busy, but royal chose him for a reason. even if he doesn’t know what it is, he should respect it. 

won loves their song choices. through brainstorming, they’d come up with so many great ideas that won felt they were spoilt for choice, but with encouragement from the coaches, going for one boy group and one girl group song for their performances, won felt his excitement growing. having been praised last season himself for handling girl group dances well, he likes to think it still makes an impact when you can really let go of your worries and immerse yourself in a song regardless of closed minded, preconceived expectations. why should a male doing a girl group dance be embarrassing? why do so many male idols treat it like a joke? respecting all artists is such a basic decency— not to mention that it’s only fair heejin get to show her more feminine side, too. ‘luv’ is perfect not only for sphere, but also to balance out ‘all night’ and as their performance starts to form, won sees that more and more. 

all they have to do now is nail the final performance. that and last the entire week without a bust up. won is hopeful, though. team royal have worked so hard, as likely all the groups have, and they should all be proud of themselves. this might be the end of this season, but it’s never the end of the journeys they’re all on — won believes that wholeheartedly. the future ahead of them is so bright and he looks forward to watching it unfold. good luck, team royal! 

[rkwon]

blossoming flowers.

( ★ ) mgas season four five      → 6.1: introducing... coach won !

( tw !! anxiety, insecurities, mental health, mention of vomiting )

he’s initially much more excited about being a coach than he’d ever been about dream knight, but after growing fonder of the web drama and filming, his eagerness shifts into reluctance because how is he supposed to balance all of this? how is he supposed to give each project his all when he can barely keep his eyes open? but, he had been chosen for a reason. clearly, someone ( he likes to think seo jisub himself, but he laughs at the thought of the ceo even remembering his name, let alone anything else about him ) at royal believed he could do this, and mingyu believes he can do this, and that’s enough — more than enough. 

on the day of the episode filming, episode six where they would be dramatically revealed in a shock twist to the contestants, his stomach feels simultaneously stuffed full and painfully empty. it churns like he’s just gone five rounds on a particularly turbulent tilt-a-whirl. 

( won doesn’t think he’s ever been on a tilt-a-whirl, but imagines this is exactly what it feels like. he’s always preferred carousels and this moment reminds him why. ) 

being back on a stage like this, even if he isn’t competing, throws him back to a year ago where the pressure weighing on his shoulders had convinced him that everything was on the line each episode, each week, slowly pushing him to implode in on himself when it finally all got too much. and it’s all he can think about as he watches the contestants react to the appearance of coaches and the much more familiar faces revealed with him. in these few seconds, it all feels like bliss — getting to work with real idols, meet people you may otherwise never have gotten the chance to cross paths with — but it’s just a buffer, a screen for what’s to come. each elimination brings new insecurities, new anxieties, new decisions to make and goodbyes to bear. even though they’ve all already made it so far, and it’s probably too late for any of won’s nuggets of wisdom, he still knows he has to say it once they get a moment to themselves. he has to at least try to steer a handful of contestants away from facing the same fate he did. sure, he won a contract, won as a team by default, but what else did he win? crippling insecurities? the inability to sleep due to nightmares for a little while following the final? an instinctive wave of fear washing over him every time he hears his full legal name? 

but it doesn’t have to be that way for everyone. it wasn’t that way for everyone. many people handled competition better than he did — he didn’t handle any kind of confrontation very confidently anymore; hasn’t ever since they graduated. in a way, he prefers it that way, but as he fights to hide the tremble of his fingers at least until the cameras have turned off, he’s not so sure. 

the following day, meeting their group for the first time ( and possibly his only time; the future is uncertain — how is he supposed to know when he’s going to have a little free time from filming? and it’s not as if he can tell anyone why he’s so busy, he wouldn’t dare ), his excitement returns. it’s humbling to have been chosen out of plenty of talented dancers, much more so trainees in general so he makes the most of it, bows deeply when they greet the team and introduce themselves. being beside ella and cheri is kind of surreal even just for him, despite the fact that he would consider ella a friend by now ( does she consider him the same? he’s too scared to ask ). he can only imagine how it must be for the contestants. now he’s a little upset they didn’t have coaches last year when he was the one fighting for his spot in the competition but maybe that would have just unnerved him more, especially if his coaches had been like the former girl. 

ella isn’t cold, but she’s everything won expects from a coach — firm, constructive, clear. won, however, is perhaps too much of a soft touch. when the team are struggling, he encourages them to try again rather than pointing out everything they did wrong. he irons out mistakes in their movements one by one, focusing on each one for a little time instead of everything at once. to him, it doesn’t feel so intimidating if it just feels like help rather than criticism, though he admits both are equally as needed and healthy. he doesn’t tell them it’s perfect until it is, but he doesn’t slam his foot down on their confidence and drive it into the ground either. ( neither does ella or cheri, but they’re certainly more outspoken about their opinions — they have a right to be, being idols. won is only in training; he’s barely any different to the contestants. ) 

all in all, he thinks he gets on really well with his team. kyungsoo even asks him for his shampoo brand ( and in typical won behaviour, unobservant and half asleep for most of his showers, he has to get back to him later that day in the form of a photograph of the bottle sitting in his and mingyu’s shower organiser — he has to admit, it’s kind of weird, but anything to be a good coach, especially given that he can’t promise them as much of his time as he’d like ). 

he pops in a couple more times when he can find time, including wednesday night, the night before the big day, when their team kindly presents their coaches with fans of their own, handwritten ‘thank you’s from each of them. seeing his nicknames ( suwoong calling him wonton for the first time had made him choke on his laughter and even now, he chuckles quietly ), having nicknames after less than a week of knowing these people, reading hyojin’s kind words praising his temperament ( which strangely means so much more than he expects, and more than the crazy notion that his dancing is ‘from another galaxy entirely’ ), he knows losing one of them tomorrow is going to destroy him but at the time, he flashes them all that pearly smile he hates, the one that wrinkles his nose and rounds rosy cheeks and makes his stomach flutter with insecurity because it’s so big and loud. he bows deeply one more for each of them, wishes them all the best, thanks them profusely and lets the ugly hands of fate ( or, rather, mnet ) decide the rest. 

he knows each of them has put their absolute all into this round, into all the rounds, and he doesn’t want to see any of them go home, but he hopes that if they learnt anything from him over this week it’s that this competition isn’t the end of the world. even if this is the end of the line for them, there’s so much more out there for them. most importantly, that this competition isn’t worth losing yourself over. won has always lived by the motto that everything happens for a reason — that each rise and each downfall shapes something better in the future. being unsuccessful at the starbright auditions allowed him and mingyu to be eligible for the mgas and eventually sign together. and he’s sure that if they hadn’t have made it through the mgas, something else would have come up for them because things will always fall into place — the road there is just a twisty, bumpy ride. won had forgotten that last year. 

when he gets home that night, he excitedly shows his boyfriend the heartfelt messages, carefully places it down on his bedside table when he’s finally ready for bed. hopefully, this weekend, he’ll remember to hang it somewhere, a memento of an unforgettable week as a coach. thank you for everything, team royal. good luck!