#wow! not a sefikura drawing!!

[milaghoul]

pov: you're literally anyone in Nibelheim after he learned the truth

[caprart1]

Wow baby's first sefikura fanart wow haha

I played remake all week and I forgot how to fucking draw

[sephirthoughts]

ok i got that nasty one out of my system here’s the nice one

Vincent Got a Phone

[but to the tune of Janie's Got a Gun you're welcome]

WARNINGS: none yet but we’ll get there keep your pants on (for now)

INFO: CID/VINCENT, BBFs vincent & aerith it makes sense i swear, background sefikura, fluff, eventual smut, humor, no angst just idiot-related shenanigans

SYNOPSIS: Vincent had a crush, then he got a phone, which has started him down a road toward genuine human connection that he is in no way prepared for. Aerith, his self-appointed friend and wingman (who may not be nearly as sweet and innocent as one would think, based on the dresses and flowers), is determined to steer her favorite ship on the right course!

Chapter 1: The Friend-ship Sails!

BIGDICKDADDY: hello everyone. i bought a phone.

SolidStrife: sephiroth?

SolidStrife: typo oops

SolidStrife: i mean who the fuck is this

.*･｡ﾟ☆Ti-chan☆｡ﾟ･*. : yeah how did you get our group chat ID creep! >:C

BIGDICKDADDY: this is vincent valentine.

SolidStrife: ...

SolidStrife: quick question

BIGDICKDADDY: cid chose this name for me. i don’t know how to change it.

TheChief: hahaha it’s a real good one why would you change it

✿FlowerGal✿: i thought Dick was short for Richard? shouldn’t it be Big Vince Daddy?

.*･｡ﾟ☆Ti-chan☆｡ﾟ･*. : oh honey

✿FlowerGal✿: or Big Vic Daddy? that works too.

SolidStrife: but the daddy part is ok with you

YiffYuff: i think it’s a funny name lol

SolidStrife: you would

YiffYuff: wtf what is that supposed to mean

SolidStrife: it means i know what your username means

YiffYuff: ????

VValentine: nevermind. cait sith showed me how to do it.

TheChief: aw boo y’all are no fun

TheChief: damn robot cats these days

✿FlowerGal✿: I’m really glad you got a phone, Mr. Valentine! Now we can all talk to you and you won’t miss anything! :-D

[VValentine has left the chat]

.*･｡ﾟ☆Ti-chan☆｡ﾟ･*. : wow rude

SolidStrife: he lasted longer than i expected

YiffYuff: what does my username mean!!

YiffYuff: what the hell are you talking about!!!

YiffYuff: CLOUD!!!!

SolidStrife: why don’t you ask cait sith

Vincent had a phone, now. That was…good. A phone was a thing one used to communicate with other people. It was a step toward humanity. Toward the light. Out of the abyss.

Only, he found himself reflexively wanting to retreat back to the safety of his coffin. After all, was taking such a step even allowed, for him? Was this not just collecting another sin with which to freight his soul and trouble his sleep?

But…when sin felt so much like sunshine on your skin, when it was blue and brilliant gold, so vivid you could almost taste the colors—when sin was a wisp of that heartbreaking warmth, so desperately craved during those long, cold, solitary years in the dark…how was one meant to choose atonement?

He would never try to touch the sky, he reasoned. He would only slip out of the shadows and stand in the sunlight for a little while, to quietly absorb some of its warmth, before he sank back into the eternal darkness. Even such a creature as himself yearned for some small comfort, after all.

A soft voice broke in, drawing him from his ruminations. “Um. Mr. Valentine? Are you coming to dinner?”

It was the lighter haired girl. Aerith Gainsborough. And she looked like she was cautiously approaching a rabid dog.

Vincent suppressed a sigh and withdrew deeper into his cloak, in order to appear less threatening. He couldn’t tell from her expression whether or not it was working. But all he had to do was politely decline, and she would go away.

“No, thank—”

“Hey, Vinnie! Vin!” Cid called out, just then, from ten meters behind her, where the rest of them were gathering. “We’re goin’ to eat, you comin’?”

“Yes, thank you,” Vincent said to the girl, as he pushed himself off the wall he’d been leaning on, and strode away toward the group.

Aerith paused for a moment, with an unreadable look on her face, before she trotted after him.

“Did you not like your food, Cloud?” Tifa was asking, as the party exited the restaurant, a couple of hours later.

“Huh? Food?” Cloud said distractedly. “Oh. It was fine.”

“Do you even know what you ate?” Yuffie retorted. “You were staring at your phone the entire time.”

“I wasn’t staring at my—” Cloud pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped the screen a few times. “I gotta go. I’ll be back…later.”

“Where are you going? Cloud!” Tifa shouted after him, as he hurried away down the street. Annoyed with the young man’s wayward behavior, she naturally turned to her friend, for support. “Can you believe how rude he’s being? What is going on with him?”

Aerith was looking the other direction, however, apparently engrossed in something else. “Hm? Oh, yeah. Totally. What a jerk.”

“You weren’t even listening!” Tifa said, stamping her foot. “Why is everyone acting like this tonight?”

“You mean, why’s no one paying attention to the princess?” Yuffie smirked.

Tifa scowled. “Shut it, brat. Isn’t it past your bedtime?”

Yuffie rolled her eyes. “Don’t you know frowning gives you wrinkles?”

“Oh, ho ho! Did you guys see that?!” Aerith exclaimed, startling them both.

“See what?” they replied, nearly in unison.

“Mr. Valentine just yawned, and exactly ten seconds later, Mr. Highwind said he was tired and wanted to head back!” She gave a delighted little giggle and then squealed, clutching her phone to her chest, like a teddy bear.

Yuffie and Tifa looked at each other, then back at her, with expressions one might adopt when addressing a mental patient.

“Mr. Valentine yawns all the time, Aeri-chan,” Tifa pointed out.

“Yeah, what’s so interesting about old men being tired?” Yuffie scoffed. “They both fell asleep in the theater, the other night, and you weren’t wetting your pants about that.”

Tifa made a face. “You want to rethink that phrasing, maybe?”

“Hehehe it’s nothing, nothing at all. You wouldn’t understand,” Aerith gloated, while rapidly typing something on her phone. She hit what must have been the ‘send’ button, with an air of triumph, then finally looked up. “Hey…where did Cloud go?”

Over the next several days, Vincent began to get a feeling that he was being watched. He had this feeling because he was definitely being watched. By the Gainsborough girl, of all people. She seemed to have taken an unusual interest in his activities, and had been surreptitiously observing him, at random intervals throughout each day.

He was aware of it pretty much immediately, due to his high level of training and artificially heightened senses, and also the fact that she was really bad at spying. Like, he literally saw her ducking behind a trash can, once. Whoever among their enemies had got to her, they obviously hadn’t given her much in the way of instruction, before they sent her to work. Maybe it was a blackmail job.

Either way, if she was under hostile influence, she was now a threat to the group, and it was his duty to get to the bottom of it. It’d be better not to alert the others, yet, in case anyone else was compromised, so he’d be going this one alone. Besides, it wasn’t as if he needed help handling one little teenaged girl.

That night, after supper, he took a walk around the general area of the group’s rooms, making sure he was clearly seen, then faded into the shadows, to lie in wait for the spy. Three minutes and seventeen seconds later, he heard stealthy footsteps coming down the walk.

Tch. Amateur. She didn’t disguise her gait, control her breathing, or even try to mask her scent. When she passed the dark space between the buildings, she was playing with her phone, pretending to be looking at it, but glancing stealthily about, obviously looking for her target.

In less time than it takes for a human heart to beat once, a whirl of crimson whipped out of the narrow alley, silently engulfed the young woman, and vanished. Behind the building, in the deep shadows, Aerith suddenly found herself pinned against a brick wall, with the big triple-barrel of Cerberus pressed to her throat.

“Scream and it will be the last sound you make in this life,” Vincent said, in a low, menacing snarl (which was just his usual voice but slightly quieter). “Who are you working for?”

“Mr. Valentine?” Aerith replied, in a normal, conversational tone, looking at his face, rather than the gun, for which he had to inwardly applaud her cool-headedness under duress. “What are you doing lurking around in the alley?”

The hammer clicked back. “A name, Ms. Gainsborough. Or I paint this wall with your—”

“Oh, please, you’re not going to kill me,” she laughed (Actually laughed! At him!!). “If you were, you’d have cut my throat or strangled me right away, instead of trying to scare me with your very loud gun, with all our friends right within hearing distance.”

He wrapped his other hand around her neck and holstered the weapon. “You’re right. There are plenty of ways to kill you quietly. Answer the question. Who are you working for? How did they get to you? Are they blackmailing you? Holding someone hostage? If so, why did you not come to us for help, rather than betray us?”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” She eyed him doubtfully. “Are you…feeling ok, Mr. Valentine?”

“I am never feeling ok. That is beside the point. You have been following me and spying on me, for five days. You appear to be recording my movements and reporting them to someone. I also saw you take several photographs of me and Cid Highwind, when you believed yourself to be unobserved.”

Her eyes went wide. “Eh? You saw tha—I mean, I have no idea what you mean! You have no right to interrogate me! I want a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? I am not with the police, Ms. Gainsborough. In case you forgot…I’m a monster.” As he said this, he leaned closer, baring his sharp canine teeth, and letting his irises flash brilliant crimson-gold, in the darkness of the alleyway.

“Ooh, that was so cool!” Aerith breathed. “Wow, you’re really sexy, Mr. Valentine.”

Vincent choked and actually took a step back, letting go of her neck, from sheer astonishment. “What are you—that’s not—how can a nice young lady like yourself use such a word, so casually!”

“What, sexy? You really have been living in a coffin, haven’t you. Times have changed. Nice young ladies like me can say and think and do whatever we want. That includes thinking you’re sexy and telling you so. Not that I’m into you! Even if I swung that way, you’re like a million years too old for me, yuck.”

When she said that last bit, she laughed and stuck her tongue out, with a little shudder of disgust, to which Vincent took great umbrage. He was old, sure, but he didn’t look old. He looked pretty good, he thought. Anyway, he definitely wasn’t worthy of a shudder.

Also, how did this tiny girl flip the situation around on him, so fast! Saying all these bizarre things and confusing him! On top of that, she wasn’t even a little bit scared of him! That hurt his pride even more than the shudder, and he became morose.

“As I was saying, you’ve got the situation all wrong,” Aerith informed him, flipping her braid over her shoulder. “I mean, yeah…maybe I was spying on you a little. But that was for my own reasons. No one got to me and I’m not betraying anyone. I’m actually your ally, here. Maybe the only one you have.”

Vincent was hiding in his collar, with his arms crossed sullenly, glowering down at her from the shadow of his black bangs. “What nonsense are you talking? What do you mean, ally?”

“Let’s just say, I represent a certain community, of very devoted, extremely supportive enthusiasts, who take a special interest in…gentlemen such as yourself.”

This was definitely some kind of trick, to trip him up, but he couldn’t see the hook yet. Better play along, for now. “Such as myself, in what way?”

“Gentlemen who, you know,” she winked suggestively, which nearly sent him stumbling back another step, “prefer the company of other gentlemen.”

“I prefer no one’s company,” he growled. “Try again.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Not even…Mr. Highwind’s?”

What the hellfire? What did she know?? Would he have to kill her, after all?!

“I can tell by the look on your…forehead, that you know what I’m talking about,” the infuriating and deeply bewildering young woman continued. “It’s also clear from my observations, that no one else knows. And that, if it’s left up to you, he never will. That is where your dearly devoted fujoshi sisters come in.”

This was obviously an attempt to baffle him with more gibberish. Vincent’s hand was already on Cerberus’ stock again. “You’re stalling. So, you have backup coming. You think they can kill me, before I kill you?”

“Seriously, tone down the drama, Mr. Valentine. I’m trying to tell you I want to help you. Look, I’ll show you.” She pulled her phone out and held it up so he could look at the screen. “This is our server. These are all sisters—that’s what we call our members. Each channel is devoted to a different ship, but we encourage multi-shipping and no ship hate is allowed, whatsoever.”

“Channel? Ship? You like…nautical engineering?” Vincent attempted, utterly at a loss.

“Ship is short for relationship. The Fujo-Friends server is dedicated to fanship of the MLM variety.”

He blinked stupidly at the screen, as she scrolled through what she called a channel. It looked like a group chat, sort of like the one their party used on the phone, but it was made up of far more participants.

They all had little cartoon avatars, and inexplicable names, like ‘Mrs. Genesis’ and ‘disco slut kadaj’ and ‘sefikurafan’ and ‘rudeXlovesXreno’, and even a ‘Sephiroth’s Daddy’ which he did not like, at all. Messages were popping up, constantly, and they seemed to be talking about…

Vincent’s head spun, and he had to lean on the wall, to catch his breath. He had literally never seen so many euphemisms for that crucial part of the male anatomy, in his life. He didn't even know most of them, before.

How…how could all of those people talk so openly about these things? How could they all care enough about total strangers, to say so many weird and perverse (and also a lot of very sweet and supportive) things, about them? How could they know so much more about that kind of thing than he did?!

He passed a hand over his brow. “You, and all these other women…you talk about men, having…sexual relationships, with other men? Why?”

“Oh, it’s not just women,” Aerith chirped. “We welcome sisters of all genders. Why do we do it? For a ton of reasons. Mostly because it’s fun, but honestly, a lot of us are just sick of the heteronormative status-quo getting pushed on us in every form of media, and want to imagine more people in happy, queer relationships. I mean, there are toxic ships, too, but those are strictly for the sake of hotness. We don’t condone any abusive or unhealthy relationships, IRL.”

Vincent shook his head helplessly. “I—I don’t know what any of those words mean.”

“It’s ok, that’s why I offered to help you. You don’t seem to know what you’re doing in that area. Like, at all.”

“What I’m doing in which area?”

“Well…you like Mr. Highwind, right?”

“If you already know, why do you keep asking,” Vincent returned crossly.

“Good! The first step is talking about your crush to a trusted friend,” Aerith encouraged.

“Who said you were a trusted—”

“As for the other steps, a socially challenged but otherwise high-spec man, like you, is just the kind of person who could benefit from the sisters’ help! Don’t worry, I won’t put you on the server, or anything. Unless you want me to.” Vincent’s glare intensified. “Ok, I’ll take that as a no. What I can do for you, is act as your relationship consultant. With the input of the sisters, of course. The Fujo-Friends will help you make a plan to get your man!”

Vincent nodded. “I’m leaving. Goodnight.”

“No, no, wait!” Aerith said, stepping hastily in front of him. “Just hear me out, ok? I know this all probably seems ridiculous to you, but…I can’t stand seeing you so sad, Mr. Valentine. You’re a good person, and you’ve survived through so much. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. And I deserve to see you and Mr. Highwind together.”

“A good person.” His lip curled in a sneer, which was totally lost on Aerith, as it did so behind his collar. “What could possibly have lead you to believe that about me? Do good people live in coffins in the basements of disused bioengineering facilities?”

“They do if they’re trying to protect other people from something. I know your story. What happened to you. And I know all you’ve done is help people, since you went underground. You’re even helping us, now. So…let me help you, a little. Consider it a thank you, for being on the team.”

Vincent withdrew gloomily into his cloak again (like a turtle retracting into its shell, which was far more adorable than he realized or he’d never do it again), and said nothing. But he didn’t say no. The moment he failed to say no, he handed Aerith the reins.

“Great! So excited to get started!” She clapped her hands delightedly and bounced up and down, like a child. “I'll message you tomorrow morning, with the details!”

Vincent sighed heavily. “Alright.”

He was still in a daze, musing on how he’d even gotten into this mess, when he found himself back in his room. It was…something of a relief, to be honest. He had no idea how to ask for help and wouldn’t have accepted it, if it was offered.

But if it was urgently pressed upon him, what choice did he have? He couldn’t hurt Ms. Gainsborough’s feelings, after she’d been so kind as to reach out to him. Aside from Cid, she was the first one in the group to speak directly to him, excluding strictly necessary communication.

Also, he had a sneaking suspicion that this small girl could be scarier than Sephiroth, if she took a mind to, and he had no desire to find out if he was correct.

link to it on my ao3 just in case you want to leave me a nice comment. or a mean one fuck it bring it on