#x; Seahound

[plutothe-pup]

Long, Long Time || An Unsent Letter to Luca

His heart panged incredibly hard in his chest, and the urge to start sobbing again rose in his throat but he swallowed it back. If only just because with that pang of endearing love, he felt an even bigger swell of something else: Guilt. His gaze drifted up - for just a second - landing on Luca’s abandoned pile of presents. Of the object left untouched, that Milo had so quickly put his hands on Luca to stop them from looking now. Maybe you should wait until later to read that. He needed to get that letter back. It wasn’t the time. Milo thought it had been, but .. no. It was clear he had been wrong. Completely wrong. It couldn’t be read. It couldn’t leave this house. It wouldn’t be hard either… Milo was good at stealing, regrettably. Incredible at lifting wallets and purses and watches without being caught. Slipping an envelope out of Luca’s possession or just out of the pile of gifts while they weren’t looking would be simple. Too easy. And Luca was too kind. @lucathedreamer

Merry Christmas, Luca!

Even though this is our second Christmas here, it feels like the first one we probably both understand a little better, right? It's been a crazy year, but I'm thankful that you've been by my side the entire time - even when I try to push you away (sorry lol). So thank you for being such an amazing friend, and for trusting me enough to be able to share parts of yourself and your story with me.

It's really strange to think that when you walked up to me at the park that first day that this is where we'd be all this time later. It's also weird to think of how similar our stories are, and yet how opposite they are at the same time. It's... kind of neat actually that we could share so much in common and yet be able to teach each other so many new things too.

You're one of my best friends, Luca - and I care about you an awful lot. So you know there's nothing more that I want to see than for my friends to be well, right? It's something I want more than my own happiness. I would give everything I have, and everything I ever would have if it meant that my friends got what they want. It would never even be a choice.

More than anything else, I just want you to be happy, Luca - I want you to be loved. Appreciated. Felt and understood. I want you to feel comfortable with yourself and with others. I want you to be able to experience all the things you deserve to see and do, and for you to be able to invent and draw and create. You're so incredibly smart and talented, and it's funny because I don't think you even see it. Not everyone can do the things you do, Luca. So I know you'll end up doing great things in the future.

It's also no secret that I care about you a lot.

I think I always have.

You know, I never understood how people could think 'love at first sight' existed, but sometimes when I think of you, I don't think that's such a weird idea anymore. Simply because the second I met you, it was like we'd already been friends for a very long time - and maybe in a past life we were; because there's no way that I should have felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. But you always know the right thing to say to make me laugh. You listen when I feel like other people aren't. (And you don't listen when you know you shouldn't). You stayed by my side and understood, even when everyone else was angry. You gave me chance after chance, even when I felt like I didn't deserve it.

We were literally raised to be each other's enemies, right? It's insane to think about but by all logic in the world, we should hate each other...

...but I think I'm in love with you, Luca and the craziest thing is I think you might be in love with me too. I see the way you look at me - because I look at you the exact same way. Which should make this simple, right? If two people care about each other this much, it just makes sense.

But nothing about my life makes sense - and I know it's so incredibly unfair, but so would be letting myself act on those feelings when I know that everything you deserve, I can't give you.

I can't hold you when you're sad. I can't kiss you goodnight. I can't pull you close and let those words I'm too afraid to say translate through every heartbeat against your chest. We can't experiences all the 'firsts' of dating together like we experienced the 'firsts' of friendships and general life.

The worst part is I know you're already shaking your head and thinking 'it doesn't matter', or 'I wouldn't mind'. But I know you would. Maybe not right away. But years without more than a simple touch? Years without being able to share affection with your boyfriend, it would get to you. It gets to me. Everyone pretends that it wouldn't, I guess to make me feel better but... Believe me.

You don't deserve to sacrifice that much for me.

I am so, so sorry I can't give you this, but I just want you to be happy, Luca.

So please don't waste yourself on someone like me, not when you have so much potential for the future and I don't. I will never be even a fraction of the person you deserve to have by your side. You deserve someone so much better.

You deserve everything, but I certainly don't deserve you.

I just hope you can forgive me for that, and that maybe somehow you and I can still be best friends too.