#y'all are gonna kill me for the cringey stuff

[i-like-turkey]

Chapter 8 aka The Return of the: Lesbian Processing™; Lucy’s really, really bad cringe worthy innuendos; and food porn is about halfway done at 5.2k words. I’m going to try to cut it down some, but this might end up the longest chapter yet  😬

[dachi-chan25]

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3 Pt. 1

I actually have the time to write this so here I go.

WARNINGS: SPOIIIiLERS; not a D@€nerys fan so y'all know I’ll be actually critical about her actions; JonSa shipper so of course I have a little bias.

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1.- We start at Dragonstone, where Jon Snow and Dadvos are just arriving, the welcome comitee looks pleasant enough (if you don’t mind the Dothrakis and the Unsullied intimidating you that is) Tyrion and Jon immediatly take quips at each other and are buddy-buddy, Missandei says it’s so cool they’re taking so much trouble for Quiin D’s sake (LMAO not everyone is in Love with her like y'all honey, it’s not even for her but whatever helps you both sleep at night) and asks them to leave their weapons.

Right, so I would say she ask them this as a trust act and stuff,and it would be so if they were on a neutral spot and she went unarmed (without Dragons and guards) but it’s NOT really what FUCKING difference does it make if Jon has Longclaw??? He didn’t bring a frigging army and he sure as hell can’t fight them all (specially the magical fire lizards) so why??? Well this is the first of many acts of petty dominance on Dane-ñys part we’ll see this episode.

They even take the motherfucking boat (who is looking threatening now?) and Jon makes this face like he regreats his moronic decision of leaving WF

All those steps tho!!! (Stannis must have been real fit guys) So Dadvos tries to test the waters and asks something about her homeland to Missandei, she is polite but clearly distant and Dadvos whispers to Jon things have surely changed in DS.

Tyrion asks about Sansa (not Lady Sansa or your sister, hmmmm???) Jon says she is well, and that would have been a pretty normal conversation if not for the fact that Tyrion chooses to make a joke asking if Sansa has missed him, and guys believe me I tried to take off my shipper googles for tonight’s episode but holy fuck!! Jon looks like he wants to punch Tyrion, and he gets so nervous and uncomfortable he all but blurts that their marriage was a sham and unconsummated, Jon snaps that he didn’t ask.

I don’t know y'all but if someone talked to me about my big brother’s sex life I would be like ewww and make a cringey face, because I don’t give a damn, but Jon’s reactions are wierd he gets angry, also why talk about a sexual part of Sansa’s life everytime Jon meets her past suitors?? I mean we could argue that Jon meeting Tyrion again was inevitable, as well as seeing Theon next ep (cuz they are both with the D) or even the Hound because he and the Bannerless Brotherhood are heading North to fight with the WW… But what about LF? Jon was about to leave, he had no need to know about LF’s intentions and that threat in Hulk mode was just too innecesary as was Tyrion’s comment, or the Joffrey thing back on 7x01??? I don’t wanna be overly optimistic but things are still looking good for J/S.

Yeah so we have a Danonino is petty again moment by sending her Dragons to scare Jon, and OK I really like Missandei (I Love seeing girls who once were abused be confident and empowered, and I Love lenguages as well and it’s so cool she speaks so many!!) but her pleased holier than thou expression pissed me off, you don’t do that to guests miss! It’s rude and totally uncalled for to do this to someone that has been nothing but accomodating and polite.

Also I have another issue here, Missandei was crucial to Danita’s conquest of Meeren and Astapor because she was her translator, she understood how things moved there (masters and slaves) and she was loyal to D unconditionaly, but why bring her to Westeros??? She doesn’t need a translator anymore and just like Danonino Missandei doesn’t know squat about westerosi politics… Wild idea, but wouldn’t it have been better and a hella lot more meaningful if Missandei had stayed as Lady Regent in Mereen (I mean a girl raised as a slave leading people like her, it makes sense to me) but I guess D needed a cool break up gift for Daario.

2.-Melissandre is watching them from a Cliff, and Varys is like if you say they so great why didn’t you greet them?? She is vague af but basically says she and Team Snow are not so cool with each other because she made a mistake (that’s how we calling sweet Shireen’s awfull murder?? Fuck you red woman) and says she is gonna go to Volantis to chill before the war, and Varys is like good and don’t ever come back you trick ass bih, but Meli is like y'all need me and my destiny is to die in this foreing land… Like you (is it me or does this remind y'all of Danss threat last ep??)

3.-They finally reach the castle, Jon is kind of adorable cuz he is so uncomfortable and fidgety, and Danee is petty again, sitting on yet another fugly throne (Aegon honey I know you were all about conquering but you have a hella lot of obsidian lying around and it would have made an awesome and elegant throne instead of that thing you have there) and Missandei annoys me once again by proudly parroting every goddamn title of Dañy, and she looks ridiculous once Davos humbly introduces Jon (I actually laughed because it’s more aparent than ever to me that all their parallels were to make'em foils of each other).

Jon and Davos say she could take KL very easily and that if she hasn’t done so yet it’s because, and I quote’ “You’re better than Cersei at the very least” I mean you’re not exactly wrong Jon, but like Tyrion was the one to say ‘Hey how about we don’t kill anyone pls’ so there’s that.

Jon proves once again he is a hella lot more polite and grown up than her adressing her as Your Grace and Daññy is a petty toddler calling him Lord Snow, but my Dadvos is having none of that shit and he corrects her which leads to D@€-D@€ to prove her ignorance once again saying the last KitN bent the knee to grand pops Aegon in exchange of his and the rest of the northerns lives (yes honey and you think that was good or fair? Using violence to get your way?) and that it was for everzzzz cuz even though my shitty ancestors bullied everyone to give up their claims to them they became super best friends and had eternal perfect peace (I read World of I&F and her history knowledge is biased or plain shitty, I mean Targaryens were awful and had massive weapons of destruction nobody was going against them for fear not loyalty you entitled brat!!) so kneel!! And he was like LOL no, your crazy dad burned my grandad and my uncle if anything your family broke the alliance, and we have a D is a big fat hypocrite moment when she asks Jon not to condemn her for her father’s sins, Jon is not impressed and retorts that then he can’t be held to his ancestor’s promise (I’m so proud of my son) and LMAO she gets sooooo angry and snaps that why did he came here if not to postrate his unworthy self before her (cuz she believes everything is about her it seems) Jon proceeds to explain the threat of the WW (ily Jon but you need to explain things better) Tyrion and D are reasonably disbelieving (I would have expected them have more of an open mind, I mean they have motherfucking Dragons ffs!! But I can understand an army of the dead sounds pretty crazy to be fair) and we get the summary of Danee’s arc and how she got this far by believing in herself (I’m more inclined to say it was the Dragons and sheer luck in having powerful resourceful advisors coming to you but ok).

Now I know I said I Love girls who empower themselves after being abused, so how come I dislike D@ne so if she is exactly that? Well I didn’t at first, I loved her and was rooting so hard for her 'till she decided that she was better than everyone else and became a conqueror and entitled to a boot, not a breaker of chains. She took the Unsullied for herself because she didn’t want the Dothrakis to pilliage and rape their way through Astapor, good! But why the need to take Astapor and then Mereen? If she were a hero (which I don’t think she is) she would have liberated the slaves without declaring herself ruler, she would have let them decide who they wanted to rule among themselves and would have helped them to come up with a new government, forming a friendly alliance maybe then they even would have helped her in her quest to go back to Westeros, instead of violently taking the power (and no I’m not defending the masters at all, but I do think the mereenese people deserved to have a say in how they wanted to be ruled now that they were free) Since I was little I was taught the spanish took my country with fire and blood, weapons my people couldn’t defend themselves against, they took away their culture, religion and their names. They were forced to work with no pay, murdered, raped (our last tlatoani/leader/king Cuahutemoc got his feet burned when the spanish were interrogating him about aztec gold) and tortured for 300 years, and in my 6yo heart I hated it, of course I don’t hate nor recent the Spanish people for their (and also mine because I have spanish blood as well as aztec and egyptian) ancestor’s deeds, but I hated that people thought they were better than other people, and that they felt entitled to take lands that were not theirs, I hated to imagine the suffering of my people, I hated to know we could never fully understand all the amazing culture and knowledge the mesoamerican cultures had because they decided their way was better and burned or buried most of it, and D@€ny reminds me of all that, and it doesn’t let me enjoy her even as a Villian or Fallen Hero.

(excuse my rant and feel totally free to ignore it)

Dadvos just can’t with her bullshit and he says Jon has done a lot of similar things but without Dragons. Honestly the best way to explain it is with the 'but did you die?’ gif, and supports Jon’s testimony about the WW.

And D@€ny is like yeah but the throne is MINE and if you don’t agree you are against me (lovely way to make more enemies,yup be antagonistic pls) Jon loses it and says she and all the Lords and Ladies of Westeros are FUCKING children fighting for a chair when a real threat is just around the corner and they aren’t going to care who is the rightful anything.

She is so ofended its hillarious xD, she asks Tyrion what she is supposed to do since he refuses to acknowledge her as Qinn of the 7 realms, and he called her a child (well Dañy what did you expect when you have only acted as such?) and Tyrion is like well he said we were ALL children tbh in a very non-commital way.

Jon and Davos are dismissed, and my baby asks if he is her priosioner, 'not yet’ she says, and hold me because Imma knock some sense into her.

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Tis too long, I’ll continue in part 2.