#yeah guys the problem here is the material a single independent artist uses for his breathtaking pieces

[ceasarslegion]

Listen, i want everything to be as least wasteful as possible. I want everything to be ethically sourced as possible. I appreciate the want and drive to achieve that goal. But there is a certain point where, if these are the tags im seeing on my dashboard attached to a chocolate guy video:

You may need to lighten the fuck up

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #8 (1979)

This cover doesn't help me remember what this issue is about.

Having only ever read the first half of Cerebus via the collected stories in the Cerebus phonebooks, this is the first time I'm seeing most of the early covers of Cerebus. I probably started reading the monthly issues during "Flight" but had purchased the "Melmoth" back issues. So I'll be getting a lot of new material in the covers and the Aardvark Comments section all the way up through "Jaka's Story." In Note from the Publisher, Deni explains that Cerebus is currently selling 4,000 copies a month. That's four thousand dollars a month! Of course, Dave probably has to sell at half the cover price, so maybe that's more like two thousand. And then there's the expense of paying for your own printing and shipping. I have no idea what that might cost but let's pretend it's another thousand dollars. That leaves Dave and Deni with one thousand dollars per month before taxes and art equipment! And I know I'm being way too optimistic so let's say it's more like $750. In Canadian dollars! That's probably about five hundred American dollars! But then again, this was 1979 dollars and cars were about six thousand dollars back then. You could buy a house for twenty grand. So by Issue #8, Dave was either really starting to make a lot of money or heading toward financial ruin. I'm not sure why I even began this paragraph when I have no idea what I'm talking about. Although, four thousand copies of an independent comic book by the eighth issue? That's good fucking marketing. No wonder Dave Sim became the God of Self-Publishing. In his Swords of Cerebus essay, Dave Sim continues to explain how he was growing as a writer and artist. It's the kind of thing a fan of Sim's work enjoys reading but not the kind of thing that I can make entertaining in a brief synopsis. So fuck off to the next paragraph already. We're done here. At the end of the last issue, Cerebus escaped his battle with a gigantic Black Sun spider god. But he did not escape as unscathed as I maybe led everybody to believe. He was actually bitten and poisoned by the thing and now he's wandering the desert (unless it's the tundra (which is probably a definitive desert but what am I? A reader of The Farmer's Almanac?!), hallucinating and probably dying. Some Conniptin soldiers find Cerebus and take them back to their Commander's quarters. The Commander isn't the main leader of the army; the main leader is some cocaine snorting prince who thinks he's a god. He wants Cerebus made into a bath robe which would mean Cerebus would get the last laugh. Because remember how badly Cerebus' fur smells when it gets wet? Ha ha! That joke was so funny Dave used it five or six times in the Bran Mak Mufin issue. The Captain and the Commander make plans to oust the young Lord and take over the army themselves. But they need Cerebus by morning for their plan and Cerebus isn't healthy enough. So they take him to the army's doctor for a few Star Trek jokes that seem cheesy and overly done (but maybe not so much in 1979? Or is that the whole point of the running joke here? Because it's a tired format that Sim subverts at the end?) but which ends with a pretty fantastic punchline.

To really appreciate this joke, I think you have to remember what the world was like in 1979. If you weren't born or cognizant of the world at that time, I can't explain it to you. It's like trying to explain Ringo's obsession with the hole in his pocket to somebody who has never seen The Yellow Submarine and who also doesn't know who The Beatles are and has also never heard music or seen animation. Yeah, the 70s were that fucking cool.

The Captain and the Commander take Cerebus out later and point him in the direction of a campfire. They tell them the men around the fire drugged him and they should pay. Feverish and sick, Cerebus runs up to the small camp and begins slaughtering the four men around it. He hallucinates that three of them are Elrod and one of them is Sophia. So what the reader learns this issue is that Cerebus is ready to kill all of the other characters of his comic book at a moment's notice. How The Roach and Weisshaupt and Elrod and Rick and Astoria and Cirin last as long as they do is a miracle. Or it's just part of the contrived story. I guess if it were real, it would seem like a miracle. But since this is all written by Dave Sim, it's just the way it was meant to be. I'm not sure what their eventual plan is for Cerebus as this just seemed to be a test. I guess he's their Manchurian Candidate? The four mercenaries Cerebus killed were Hsifan. The Commander and Captain are Conniptin. I have no idea what these things mean. I think Hsifans make really good ninja assassins though so killing four of them is pretty damned impressive.

Like I said. Killing twenty-five Hsifans is pretty damned impressive.

This story highlights one of Cerebus' bigger life problems: he's constantly being pulled into other people's stories. If he's not trying to steal some treasure to get more gold crowns so he can drink more ale, he's slaughtering other mercenaries to get more gold to drink more ale. And when he's not doing either of those things, it's usually because he's gotten caught up in somebody else's story. I suppose that's what you need to expect when you're some kind of prophetic Messiah. Your story has already been told and you're just time's puppet. But — and I think this is the most important part — something about being an aardvark allows Cerebus to tell destiny and fate to fuck off. So quite often, Cerebus just walks away from the story he got sucked in without a care to its resolution. It has something to do with aardvarks being soulless and less with aardvarks being hermaphrodites. Because I think maybe that's just Cerebus. The Commander and Captain want to make Cerebus their new leader because they can't stand the selfish, greedy fops who rule. The Conniptin motto is "Might makes right! Fight, fight, fight!" Which you really can't argue with unless you're a talented fighter. So Cerebus is offered the job which he can refuse if he doesn't mind having his guts spilled on the floor.

Seems like Cerebus' future is pretty cut and dry. If you forget that he's an aardvark.

Cerebus decides he'd rather escape than be a puppet of the Commander. But after knocking out the guard and trudging some way across the snow, he thinks twice. He decides having a warm place to sleep and free food are a better deal than running for his life from vengeful Conniptins. He also likes the idea of leading an army. If you're not into Cerebus as a mercenary captain, don't worry. It won't last more than one issue!

Damn, I'd forgotten about this line. It used to be one of my favorites to quote whenever being offered some payment or reward of some kind. "What's better than X? Mayhap two Xes!"

Fred Hembeck writes in to Aardvark Comment this month as well as, if not as famous as, David R. Wooten. Pretty sure I've seen David's name in quite a few letters pages of DC comics. The Singles Page is a strip by John Barclay called "Small Potatoes!" It's twelve panels of a couple of guys singing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on, I guess, a street corner. They sing, over and over again, "DooDuckGlackaLayda!" It's social commentary of some sort. I think. Maybe he's just making fun of the repetitive nature of the song, or any song you're forced to hear out in public by buskers and bucket drummers. Who can tell?! Humor was different in 1988 (the Singles Page is only from the Bi-Weekly! That's why the date is different from the comic). Cerebus #8 Rating: A. There's something happening here. What it is ain't a standard comic book. But it's not what a lot of people thought of as an underground comic book. For one, not once has Cerebus walked around with an erect penis. What was this nonsense not being published by DC or Marvel but also not being weird animal porn that is also personal confessional?! I wish I hadn't been so ashamed of purchasing adult material that my mom might raise an eyebrow at but then say nothing at all. One time she cleaned my bathroom where I had a playboy under the sink. Instead of saying anything, she just straightened it up and left it. I couldn't look at her for weeks. Although I was pretty relieved because at least a week before that, I had about twenty Playboys in there! I can't remember why I moved them but at least she didn't know the extent of my wanking! She probably thought, "Oh how cute. One magazine! And the centerfold is an African-American lady. My boy ain't no jerk off racist!" instead of thinking, "How many fucking porn mags does he need? Does he do anything but jerk off? Oh God! I'm not touching anything of his ever again! Plus isn't this copy of Penthouse the one with an underage Traci Lords?! I wonder how much that will be worth in thirty years?" Of course she thought that last thought not realizing that thirty years later, it would be considered child porn. No, I don't own it anymore, you pervs. I threw out all of those porn mags when I went to college because I didn't know where to hide them! Also I was underage when looking at the Traci Lords' Penthouse so it wasn't weird. She was older than me in those pictures!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 22/05/2021 (Olivia Rodrigo, J. Cole’s ‘The Off-Season’, Nicki Minaj)

Yeah, it’s a big week, given the impact of J. Cole, Jorja Smith, Olivia Rodrigo (more on that next week) and the remaining impact of the BRIT Awards. There’s a lot of nonsense on this chart, a busy as hell one at that, but this surprisingly did not affect the #1, as the remix to “Body” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne spends a third week at the top. Let’s just attack this head on. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

First of all, let’s get this nonsense out of the way: what happened to songs already on the UK Top 75 chart, which is what I cover? Well, a fair few of them dropped out. Any song that spent five or more weeks in the chart or peaked in the top 40 is considered a notable drop-out, and this week, they include “Wants and Needs” by Drake featuring Lil Baby off of the return last week, “Track Star” by Mooski, “Heat” by Paul Woolford and Amber Mark, “6 for 6” by Central Cee, “Patience” by KSI featuring YUNGBLUD and Polo G, “Hold On” by Justin Bieber, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa, “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee (Gosh, didn’t think J. Cole would take a chunk out of this guy’s audience specifically), “Up” by Cardi B, “Streets” by Doja Cat and finally, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd, but also interestingly “i n t e r l u d e” by J. Cole dropping out off of the top 40 debut despite the album boost. This doesn’t mean it didn’t perform well but rather this is demonstrating this silly chart rule where in the top 100, one artist can only have three songs, preventing album bombs that you see on the US Billboard Hot 100. It makes the chart less accurate but arguably more diverse and hence fun for me to talk about.

There are also a few returning entries to add some fuel to this chart fire, one that has already combusted in the US this week, as “Slumber Party” by Ashnikko featuring Princess Nokia is back at #70 thanks to the video, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man is back at #51 thanks to a delayed album boost, and the same can be said for “Addicted” by Jorja Smith at #49.

Then we have our notable losses, songs that fell at least five spots down the chart this week, including “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI at #18, “Higher Power” by Coldplay falling big off of the debut at #25, “Your Power” by Billie Eilish at #26, “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #28, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #30, “Leave the Door Open” by Silk Sonic at #31, “Don’t You Worry About Me” by Bad Boy Chiller Crew at #39, “Latest Trends” by A1 x J1 at #46, “Last Time” by Becky Hill at #52, “All I Know So Far” by P!nk at #55 off of the debut, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max at #57, “Martin & Gina” by Polo G at #58, “Miss the Rage” by Trippie Redd featuring Playboi Carti dropping hard off of the debut at #60 (Really, what was expected here?), Travis Scott’s remix of HVME’s remix of Travis Scott’s “Goosebumps” at #61, “Cover Me in Sunshine” by P!nk and Willow Sage Heart at #63, “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #65, “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous at #66, “Tonight” by Ghost Killer Track featuring D-Block Europe and Oboy at #71, and finally, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK at #73.

That’s not to say there weren’t any notable gains however as we do have some interesting remnants of BRITs excitement and some other reasons for our gains this week, which include “One Day” by Lovejoy (more on them later) at #54, “It’s a sin” by Elton John and Years & Years at #47, “Way Too Long” by Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack at #43, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo at #35 off of the success of “good 4 u” (again, more on that later), “Black Hole” by Griff at #23 thanks to the BRITs, and finally, “deja vu” by Olivia Rodrigo at #11. Really, all of this is just me stalling because this is a massive week – I’m writing this early – let’s just get through this... starting with—oh, for God’s sake.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Taunt” – Lovejoy

Produced by Cameron Nesbitt

Two weeks in a row, ladies and gentlemen: Minecraft YouTuber-core. How this happens I have no idea but regardless, the people of the UK seem to enjoy this Wilbur Soot guy’s new band. Is the new single better than the last one that charted from this EP, at least? Well, yeah, it is, mostly because at least this one’s an actual pop rock tune that, whilst derivative again, has more hooks than “One Day”, especially those stop-and-start-again verses that give me mathcore flashbacks, just with less of a catharsis to come from it other than that infectious, trumpet-laden chorus. The content is pretty gross if anything, seemingly focusing in on this past relationship from secondary school in which Wilbur tears into a girl for being insecure despite her privileges... for seemingly no reason. I mean, surely, you’ve moved on, right? Thankfully, Wilbur does get his comeuppance by the end of the song as the girl throws his drink at him, but it does leave the rest of the song with a pretty spiteful taste in my mouth that can’t be avoided by some pretty, 2000s indie rock-esque instrumentals. It doesn’t help that Wilbur Soot is such a non-presence as well, which I can see improving as the band goes on to record more material but the problem is with this early stage is that for now, it’s all rather primitive... yet it’s still charting. Oh, and if any people happen to find this that are fans of this guy, I am terrified of you so I’ll clarify that I don’t dislike this band at all, I’m just not a fan of what I’ve heard. I just wanted to put that out there because I value my personal information.

#74 – “Crocodile Teeth” – Skillibeng

Produced by Adde Instrumentals and Johnny Wonder

So last week, Nicki Minaj re-released her classic 2009 mixtape Beam Me Up Scotty onto official streaming services for the first time, with a remastered mix of some of her classic remixes as well as some new tracks or fan-favourite loosies sprinkled in. Why do I say this in reference to some random unrelated track, you ask? Well, we’ll get back to Nicki later but this song was actually remixed by Nicki and appears on that mixtape, despite baring no resemblance or relation to that mixtape at all, given this was released in 2020. The UK Singles Chart is particularly inconsistent is crediting remixes however, so we have the original here and, for what it’s worth, I quite like this. Skillibeng isn’t the most interesting presence but does his job in being vaguely menacing and violent over this cheap piano-led Afroswing instrumental with some questionable bass mastering. The song is in Patois but you can get the gist that it’s gunplay and flexing, typically stuff you’d hear in any UK drill track and it’s generic for sure but catchy enough to ignore. This version of the song is completely passable but I do think it is elevated by Nicki’s short introductory verse on the remix. I’d obviously have preferred there be more interplay but the remix was probably only known to Skillibeng when Nicki’s lawyers reached out anyway.

#72 – “Straightenin” – Migos

Produced by DJ Durel, Atake, Sluzyyy, OSIRIS, Nuki and Slime Castro

So Migos are finally preparing to release their highly-anticipated record Culture III as the boys are back together after some time apart, in which they have had varying levels of success, with Offset probably delivering the best solo material because he has both the best qualities of Takeoff and Quavo and always delivers on guest verses... I’m sorry, what about this needed six producers? This beat is not bad by any stretch with some vague flute loop eerily played under a rote trap beat, of which the bounced 808s are probably of most interest, but I do not understand how one person, let alone just an AI, couldn’t have made this alone. Regardless, the beat is good enough to make Quavo sound like he finally cares, even if he’s just going to talk about how he just saw Tenet – a bit late to the party – and how he turned a pandemic to a “band-emic”. Yeah, okay, so we’re going to ignore Mr. Quavious and move onto Takeoff and Offset who... at least have some good flows, albeit just the same triplet deliveries they’ve had for years. I think the most interesting part about this whole song is the slippery backing vocal that follows Quavo in the later choruses, which shows an attention to detail I missed from these guys. There’s only so much I can hear Quavo say “don’t nothin’ get straight ‘bout straightenin’” before I lose my mind, though, especially by the time we get to that awkward outro, so I can’t call myself a fan of this. If we’re speaking trap-rap from acts on hiatus, I really would have preferred “Lay wit Ya” by Isaiah Rashad and Duke Deuce to chart but I guess these guys will do.

#64 – “Independence Day Freestyle” – Fredo

Produced by Handz

By the end of this episode, I will never want to hear skittering hi-hats ever again. For now, however, we’ve got the same genre, different country as we go home to Fredo, a British rapper who’s pretty consistently good to be fair to him and did release an album I liked earlier this year. This is just a random freestyle he dropped last week because he felt like it, and here it is on the chart. Okay, well, it isn’t an actual freestyle because nothing that’s called a freestyle actually is in 2021, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a trap banger in itself and it’s got the foundation for it. I love the eerie chipmunk vocal sample that adds a touch of soul to the menacing keys before they get drowned out by trap percussion and Fredo going through his typical rags-to-riches commentary and memories of gang violence in one massive verse that somehow keeps my interest throughout the entire three minutes. The flow is about as smooth as it gets with UK rap, typically a lot stiffer, especially in drill, and the mixing’s fine, so yeah, I can’t really complain. I’d have preferred a chorus, obviously, and there are extended freestyles we’ll talk about later that do this a lot better, but for now, I can dig this, especially considering it’s pretty damn quotable for what it is. “If I fell off, I must have fell off the stairs into some elevators” is a bar, as is when he says he’s got more foreign cars than an Asian wedding or when he calls himself “Lord of the Bling”... okay, maybe that one’s not as impressive.

#62 – “The Great Escape” – Blanco and Central Cee

Produced by LiTek and WhyJay

Central Cee is a more familiar name but you may not know Blanco who, despite the collaboration with Cee making it ripe for comparison and comedy, is not a French white rapper. Rather, he’s from pioneering drill group Harlem Spartans and this is actually his first solo charting song thanks to Cee’s appearance. As you’d expect, this has some loud drill production and vague acoustic guitar loop as well as some stuttering vocal production peppered with dark 808s (that do bang here in all honesty) and pointless alarm sounds. Whilst drill is so standardised now, I do actually like this beat because it’s what I want to hear Cee on; sure, it’s got the guitar and the flutes but it’s also got a sax riff, which is what made “Loading” so fun. Blanco himself is also a more charming presence than Cee and their two energies bounce off of each other pretty well, even if the most witty their punchlines get are just referencing Powerpuff Girls characters... and when they’re not basic, they’re borderline incoherent but whatever, this is a fun slice of misogyny and violence that you’d expect from the genre with at least some care put into it. Not bad at all.

#56 – “Bussdown” – Jorja Smith featuring Shaybo

Produced by Riccardo Damian, Jeff “Gitty” Gitelman and Kal Banx

This is the break-out single from the most recent “project” from Jorja Smith, going the Drake route of not bothering to name it an album, mixtape or EP, and this one features London rapper Shaybo in a track about materialism but not as much embracing it as becoming increasingly alienated by it as whilst wealth may bring you luxury and connections, it detaches you from reality, which is the point in Shaybo’s verses about being Miss Naive, someone who is increasingly aggressive as a result because, well, she always gets what she wants, right? This is not a project I listened to but the content is promising... until I actually hear the song, with its awkward, clattering percussion showered in overwhelming vocal mixing that fails in whatever intimacy it attempts to present, and that’s before the decidedly unsubtle air horns and guitar licks. The song is minimal enough for the content to kind of fall flat as well, as a song like this feels like it deserves more than a slick bass groove, rather some kind of maximalist yet subtlety eerie production. I’m thinking Shaybo would actually make more sense there than she would here as well as her awkward, pathetic-sounding flow is delivered in the most dead-pan cadence, so much so that it drifts off fully into background “vibe” music but even then, it feels too distracting in the mix to work as that. I did want to like this but it just ends up as a really disappointing track from Jorja Smith, once again.

#42 – “Seeing Green” – Nicki Minaj, Drake and Lil Wayne

Produced by GOVI and Kid Masterpiece

We’re half-way through our batch of new arrivals and what better way to celebrate than a posse cut by three rappers long past their prime by now without a chorus that pushes six minutes? Normally, that would be sarcastic, but in this case it is absolutely not as this is awesome. I love 2000s hip-hop and a chipmunk soul-inflected beat blended with early 2010s era proto-trap production is obviously going to appeal to me as that type of contrast is what I love about more lyrical hip-hop, hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was said this was a Kanye beat or more accurately perhaps one by Harry Fraud. It helps that over that gorgeous soul sample we have all three rappers proving they still have it as performers, with some detailed verses from the classic Young Money crew that if nothing else provide a perfect nostalgia button for their era of dominance in hip-hop, not that it’s ever stopped since. I also just love hearing Lil Wayne hungry again, because I am a pretty big fan of his voice, delivery and even some of his wordplay and one-liners, all of which he expresses perfectly in his high-energy verse that switches through flaws as if it were all some off-the-top freestyle, and knowing Wayne, it might as well could have been. I love how he starts his verse off by shooting a guy and then saying it was his bad for doing it because he was a “good cat” and somehow it gets more off the rails afterwards, as he calls his girl a vacuum and says he’s peeing lean, before this self-proclaimed “badonkadonk bikini fiend” reminisces about his bisexual ex from Atlanta in a pretty clever use of repetition in rap. This is all with his sludged drawl of a delivery, which becomes especially important when he calls us all back to 2010 as when Wayne was in prison at his career peak, Drake always said “Free Weezy” and now 10 years later, Wayne’s saying “Free Drizzy” because Drake’s locked up in Canada because of the COVID-19 pandemic... because of course. I know it just seems like I’m itching out tiny little details in the verse but that’s what’s so great about repeated listens to detailed and great rap verses. That’s not to say Wayne is the only stand-out here either as Nicki Minaj impresses with that confident delivery she’s known for as she clarifies her beef with Cardi B being less about her “copying her homework” as it was about her up-hill battle with the industry, she recites how bitches are infamously her sons and delivers some pretty clever and quotable lines of her own, like “brand new Vanilla Maserati, I’ve been Haagen-Daszin’”... which again sounds like a bar straight out of 2010. I think the best verse here might actually be from Drake as much as I hate to say it, with bravado out of the gate that seems pretty deserved for someone with as immense success as he’s had. Not only is he referencing back to 2010 and even his Degrassi days, comparing it to the run-up to his upcoming album since he’s back on two crutches, but he’s also delivering some of his most interesting and quotable lines in years, and it all runs off so effortlessly and smoothly, but with a constant hunger and conviction reminding me of some of his deeper cuts like “Dreams Money Can Buy”. I won’t go further than I already have with this song – even though I could gladly quote practically the entirety of Drake’s verse, even when he aspires to be Vladimir Putin (I guess it’s better than accidentally comparing himself to Hitler) – but I’ve rambled on enough about this wonderful track. Triumphant lyrical rapping over soulful vocal loops will never be a thing I stop having a fondness for; these are some of my nostalgia biases creeping in – especially since these aren’t close to being the best verses any of the trio have delivered – but it’s so great hearing all three back on form together. Check this out if you haven’t as it’s absolutely a highlight off of the mixtape’s re-release.

#37 – “Build a Bitch” – Bella Poarch

Produced by Sub Urban and Elle Rizk

Bella Poarch is a name I had to search up and it turns out she is another one of these TikTok stars turned pop singers and all power to them for starting their career through such a useful and culturally important platform, honestly, and realistically, anyone regardless of their career background could make a song I enjoy, so there’s no use in dismissing them as a result, especially if I actually enjoy the concept of this song. The writing tends to be a bit childish as expected – again, more on that later – particularly when she sings lines like “Bob the Builder broke my heart and told me it needs fixing”, but the song’s theme of embracing young women for how they really are instead of Photoshopped, unrealistic beauty expectations is a message I like being expressed to her audience of teenage girls; I see it as necessary in the social media age. I do think that this message could be expressed with more tact than a Build-a-Bear parody but it never goes the slut-shaming route and is more critical of the men demanding or expecting perfection from their female partners, or on a wider scale the expectation for successful women to follow fashion and beauty trends, especially by men in their industries and fields. Poarch herself is a light-hearted vocalist kind of reminding me a bit too much of a self-serious Ashnikko but the melody in the chorus is infectious enough for me to ignore how void a personality she is. It’s harder however to ignore the stiff 808s that drown out clattering, awkward future-bass production and that drop just being really gross, kind of ruining the song in how it’s clearly a lean towards hyper-pop without fully drawing itself within that lane. Either way, this is fine, and at barely two minutes it struggles to find itself as a finished song let alone anything I can be offended by. This is remarkably okay, and that’s more than I expected.

#16 – “a m a r i” – J. Cole

Produced by T-Minus, J. Cole, Sucuki and Timbaland

These songs don’t even show up when you search them on Spotify and to be honest, I was hoping that would lead to limited success but of course, it didn’t. J. Cole’s latest album The Off-Season is yet another mediocre instalment in a dull catalogue full of rambling verses from a guy who thinks he has much more to say than he actually ends up saying, and it’s exhausting to listen let alone discuss the man’s art out of a sheer lack of personality or wit that follows his every move. His Dreamville label is filled to the brim with people more consistent, skilful and interesting than Cole has ever been so it’s just frustrating to see the label boss get all of the recognition. Regardless, I’ve never liked Cole as an artist – especially not a conscious one given the ableism, homophobia and tone-deaf exchange with Noname just last year – so I’m almost glad he’s stripped off half of the pretence of making a woke, important album. He’s just rapping on this record, which gives me the excuse to run through the rest of these consecutive bores from Cole as quickly as possible. First of all, we have “a m a r i”, a barely sufferable dud from the album scored by a blend of acoustic guitars and squelching trap percussion that fails to platform Cole’s Auto-Tuned moaning, oftentimes just aggravating and barely listenable, and sometimes disguising some pretty weak, topic-less verses for a man who claims to be focused. “Want smoke? I’m a whole nicotine company”  is not the silliest bar on the album, but I’m almost convinced the song ends as abruptly as it does because Timbaland’s embarrassed that he helped produce such an underwhelming beat and not even someone praised as a modern great can save it from being worthless.

#15 – “p r i d e . i s . t h e . d e v i l” – J. Cole and Lil Baby

Produced by T-Minus

One of my favourite hip-hop releases of last year was Aminé’s Limbo, a diverse selection of tracks that ranged from conscious hip-hop about his ambitions and fears about growing up and raising children in a modern world as well as typical trap-rap flexing and R&B crooners about girl problems. All of this is smoothly stirred into a pot of personality that actually attempts to bridge a gap between older and newer generations of rappers rather than just claiming to. “Can’t Decide” is not one of my favourite tracks from that record – “Compensating” with Young Thug executes its ideas just that little bit better for me – but it’s still a fun, R&B-adjacent tune with insanely catchy hooks about Aminé’s relationships. So why did we need a J. Cole remix? This guy sucks the fun out of beats like a vacuum in a bouncy castle, as he sloppily whines in an almost emo-rap cadence over a cheaper West Coast slide he just can’t convincingly sell. Lyrically, Cole focuses on the idea of pride and how it corrupts someone’s morals, criticising the flashing of money and social isolation from the family... both of which seem like Cole’s M.O. at this point, right? Success amidst independence? Platinum without features? This time around, there is a feature however from Lil Baby, who much like Cole claims to be focused in this very focused whilst pick-and-choosing between random trains of thought in his typical frog-throat delivery. Hey, at least Lil Baby flows with less strain and unwarranted, desperate effort that Cole does, and ends up out-shining the primary artist entirely, even if he’s going to “pay silly bands to have sex on the jet”. ..What?

#13 – “m y . l i f e” – J. Cole, 21 Savage and Morray

Produced by WU10, J. Cole and Jake One

The first lines of this song are “Spiralling up just like a rich person’s staircase; no fly zone, please stay out of my airspace”. Cole, I thought pride was the devil! I understand that one can still acknowledge the flaws in their worldview whilst embracing it and engaging themselves in it – that’s really a lot of the point of rags-to-riches rap – but some subtlety or at least some explanation from someone who wants you to see him as focused, woke, hungry and a master of his craft, would have been nice, right? This is Morray’s first charting hit in the UK and I’m glad he’s here as he’s basically what differentiates this from the duo’s prior collaboration “a lot”, a song that not only banged harder but felt smoother and Hell, just more coherent, especially with some soulful production that this new collaboration glaringly rips off. Morray’s biggest hit is “Quicksand” but his mixtape Street Sermons is full of soulful and honest trap-rap that I’d absolutely recommend for gospel flavour on the surface and the lyrical detail behind the bravado being extensive and confidently delivered, especially standing out on his own with no features to speak of. He has the chorus on here and I’m surprised DaBaby doesn’t have the second verse so this could be a North Carolina anthem but we do have 21 Savage, who delivers his typical brand of cold-hearted (or rather no-hearted), stoic paranoia bars but at least that’s a personality. 21 Savage delivers a slick flow over this sample and spits the pretty simple yet profound bar of “I pray that my past ain’t ahead of me”, leading to probably the most enjoyable verse on the whole album. If you couldn’t tell, the new guys outshine the old guard so obviously with so little effort it’s kind of impressive on Cole’s part even. I’m glad this is the biggest hit from this album so far as not only is this one of the best tracks out of a slim selection but it’s big for both 21 and especially Morray, who I’m really rooting for against, say, a Rod Wave or Kevin Gates in terms of southern rap with a lot more soul and grit. Oh, and Cole, “know it’s on sight when I see you like I’m working at Squarespace”? Really? Again, it’s not the dumbest bar on the album.

#2 – “good 4 u” – Olivia Rodrigo

Produced by Alexander 23 and Dan Nigro

It’s pretty fitting to book-end a batch of new arrivals mostly consisting of hardcore gritty trap with two up-beat alternative rock tracks, and I’ll say I prefer this to Lovejoy mostly because, well, like I said with “Seeing Green”, my biases will always be on full and honest display, and as someone who’s a sucker for pop-punk of all eras, especially if it’s a female-fronted band with some youthful, raspy vocals, this will obviously hit for me. Throughout Sour, I found it hard to buy into the teenage melodrama due to Dan Nigro’s production often sounding too clean for its own sake, never allowing the guitars to really crash into some lo-fi, distorted noise like they seem to want to do on tracks like this, “deja vu” and especially the opener, “traitor”. Sadly, that cuts the chances of radio airplay by a ton more than it should, so we end up with mixing that slides off Rodrigo’s reverb-drenched vocals too smoothly, creating a rather formulaic album, unfortunate for its sheer excess of promise. With that said, this is one of my favourite tracks off of the album, if only for that funky bassline and some of Nigro’s most interesting stylistic and production choices, particularly in the drumming, which sounds as organic as possible for something that was programmed by him and Alexander 23. The sarcasm-laced post-break-up kiss-off is already not unfamiliar territory for Olivia Rodrigo and neither was it for Avril Lavigne, which this track tends to sound almost like an imitation of, down to the inconsistently PG-13 image as “screw you” is delivered with as much conviction as the actual F-bomb in the same verse. Regardless of how much it wants to consistently kill its own momentum, this janky songwriting actually reminds me of early Paramore, much of which holds a special place in my heart, so whilst Hayley Williams has been off doing her solo work – and Paramore seem to have moved on from this kind of bitter, petty pop rock anyway – this quenches that thirst pretty effectively.

Conclusion

Olivia Rodrigo bags the Honourable Mention for “good 4 u” as well as it’s one of two songs debuting this week I think are pretty damn special, the other one being “Seeing Green” by Nicki Minaj, Lil Wayne and Drake as it grabs Best of the Week. For the worst, I mean, pick your J. Cole-flavoured poison but personally I’d say “a m a r i” can be crowned Worst of the Week with a Dishonourable Mention to... great, I don’t want to seem like I hate J. Cole but nothing else here is even as bad as his Lil Baby collaboration “p r i d e . i s . t h e . d e v i l”. Here’s this week’s top 10:

Expect two more of those spaces filled up by Olivia Rodrigo next week as whilst we may not get any new entries from her the album will have an impact regardless on the chart. Otherwise, I guess we’ll have to wait and see with how a Queen-sampling BTS song wrecks the chart – probably will give both Olivia and “Body” some #1 competition – as well as new songs from Little Mix, Lana Del Rey, Polo G and Lil Nas X popping up not too far behind it. It should be just as busy next week, folks, so strap in, I suppose. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you then!

[theartificialdane]

Galactica, part 225

In this Violet hears news, Max takes a chance, Courtney hangs up, Jinkx is a friend, Bianca is compromised and Trixie enjoys halloween!

Thank you @veronicasanders @samrull and @toriibelledarling for being my awesome cowriters <3

“Yes. Yes. Yes of course Shannel, yes, I can do that.. No, no it’s fine. Yes I’ll confirm, yes. Okay. Yes, bye.”

Violet hung up, her head spinning. Shannel had just called her, telling her that Nina Garcia wanted to see her for a meeting about the spread she had gotten in Marie Claire. Violet was sure the entire thing had been approved by Bianca, had been told it was approved by Bianca, but after the call she wasn’t sure at all. She knew there was bad blood between Nina and Bianca, but she had no idea how much, because even though she had been Fame’s assistant, and that she was dating one of Bianca’s best friends, Violet had never been one who listened to gossip, the woman actually often turning out completely when she was out with Sutan, and the people he considered his family whenever they started talking.

Violet could have panicked, could have lost her mind and started redoing all of her work, but she wasn’t going to. What she had made was amazing, and she was going to convince Nina that she deserved the spread, because she did.

***

Courtney sat in her makeup chair, trying to calm her breathing. She’d been preparing for this concert for almost two months, and now that the day was finally here, and every one of her nails was bitten down to the quick, all she was trying to do was center herself, and nothing was working. She felt like a bundle of raw nerves. Why on earth had she convinced herself that she could do this? Who the FUCK did she think she was?

She chest felt tight and suddenly it was all too much. She jumped up from her seat, jostling the elbow of the makeup artist, stammering out a shaky, “Sorry, I’m sorry,” and fleeing through the green room, where Bianca sat with her family, Lucien, Latrice, a few of the label guys - all of them counting on her. She raced past them, out the back door of the theatre, into the dim alley, where she shivered in the dusk, tears pricking at her eyes.

Why was she such a disappointment? Why couldn’t she do anything right?

*

Bianca stood up, about to go after her distraught girlfriend, but Annette put an arm on her shoulder and said, “Let me go, love.” Bianca nodded and sat back down, handing Annette Courtney’s coat and sighing.

*

“The weather in this hemisphere is just horrifying,” Annette declared, stepping outside and wrapping Courtney’s slim shoulders in her coat. “I don’t know how you survive these winters.”

“You get used to it,” Courtney sniffled. She leaned her head against her mother’s shoulder.

“Now. You want to tell me what’s going on? I’m fairly certain you’re not pregnant.”

Courtney laughed through her tears. “No. I’m not pregnant.”

“Right, so what’s the problem, love?”

“What if I fuck everything up tonight?”

“Well…” Annette smiled, “It wouldn’t change anything, really. It wouldn’t change who you are.”

“I don’t know who I am,” Courtney admitted, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks.

Annette tucked her hair behind her ear. “Alright. Well, then, let me remind you.” She took her daughter’s hands and kissed them, then squeezed them tightly while she said, “You, my dear, are the headstrong, confident, independent girl who has never in your life backed down from an adventure. You left home when you were 17 because you found a program here in this city halfway across the world from everything you’ve ever known.”

Courtney shook her head. “You’ve got it all wrong, mum. I wasn’t...I wasn’t setting off on an adventure. I was running away.” Her voice broke. She felt so much shame, but she couldn’t bear lying to her mother any longer.

Annette took Courtney’s face in her hands. “Yes, you ran, but you ran towards something new. And look at this beautiful life you’ve built for yourself.”

Covering her face with her hands, Courtney’s voice shook as she said, “It’s not my life. It’s Bianca’s life, I don’t deserve any of this, it’s all because of her…”

Annette grasped Courtney’s shoulders, practically shaking her. “Oh really? Bianca wrote the music on your album? Did she? And sang the vocals? Bianca is getting up there to perform tonight? She’s giving your interviews?”

“No, but she…”

“Darling, listen, I’m not discounting everything that Bianca has done for you. Okay? But with or without her, this is what you were meant to do. And if you think that you don’t deserve it, or that you don’t deserve her, well then maybe she’s not the right person for you. Because you should be bursting with pride right now. Not because of all this, which is amazing, but it’s material. Because of who you /are/. Because you care about right and wrong. Because you are honest, and generous. Because I knew that when you left home, everywhere you went, you would leave things better than you found them.”

Courtney sighed. “You give me too much credit, mum.”

“Well, that’s what mothers do. It doesn’t make me wrong.”

Courtney closed her eyes. She did think that her mother was wrong, thought that she was seeing some rosy version of her that probably didn’t exist. A girl that Courtney wished she could be, but never felt that she’d ever truly been. Maybe if she just worked harder...

Gil poked his head out of the door. “What’s taking so fucking long out here? Annette, this is the longest damn pep talk in history. Courtney, there’s a whole theatre full of people waiting for you to shake your ass and sing some songs. Suck it up and come back inside before you freeze to death.”

“Well, that’s putting it bluntly,” Courtney said brightly, laughing and wiping her eyes. She squeezed Annette’s hand and followed her dad inside. “Fuck, Yara is gonna kill me, I think I cried off all my mascara.”

“I’m sure she can handle it,” Annette replied, squeezing her hand back.

***

As she waited for the lights to come up, Courtney gave herself a final, frantic pep talk. /Own the stage. Be a star. Be someone who deserves this. Be anyone but who you are inside./

And then the music began, and the stage lights hit her, burning her eyes, and adrenaline surged through her veins, and suddenly it all clicked, and everything she’d been working for made sense. And as she sang her heart out, lifted high in the air by two backup dancers, she realized that she was suddenly more herself than ever before. She was Courtney Motherfucking Act. And she was killing it.

***

Max could smell lemon, Ruby somehow always smelling like lemons, her hair in his nose, their legs intertwined. They were on the couch, Ruby snoring slightly since she had gotten home from work, a rerun of That 70s Show on the TV on low.

Max’s arm was asleep, but he couldn’t get himself to move, not when Ruby was there in his arms, soft, sweet, and perfect. He had talked to Katya, the teacher coming up in his friend as she had shown him horrifying diagrams on the internet, telling him with extreme enthusiasm of the inner workings of the female reproductive system.

Max had felt sick through the entire thing, he had considered maybe trying sex, for Ruby’s sake, not because he felt pressured, but because he could maybe consider possible trying it with Ruby. Max had been psyching himself up all day, his back slick with sweat when Ruby opened the door, Max telling himself that he could and would do it, but Ruby had just smiled at him when he had offered to ‘stick it to her good’ like Katya had suggested, and shook her head before pulling him to the couch.

Max wasn’t sure why Ruby liked him, or why he liked her so much, but he was so glad they both did.

***

Adore cheered, shoving her sister hard from behind. “Stand UP, you bitch, she was singing that song for you!”

Courtney had just finished a soulful ballad, and Adore was continuing her annoying habit of demanding standing ovations for every single number. Bianca turned, flashing her sister a dirty look. “Would you let me enjoy the fucking moment?”

“Enjoy it on your FEET!” Adore yelled over the crowd.

“Alright…” Courtney took a sip from the water bottle on her stool, using the moment to catch her breath. “So, for this next number, I need a little help. I’m gonna have to ask one of my oldest, bestest friends to come up on the stage with me for this one…” She looked out into the audience, squinting dramatically, eyes landing on Adore. “Ms. Delano, if you please…?”

“Who, me?” Adore replied, looking around. Alaska laughed.

“Can you please just get your ass onstage?”

“Yeah, okay.” Adore scrambled up the steps. She looked down. “I just...I don’t think this outfit is very…” she ripped open her baggy flannel shirt to reveal micro cutoffs and a halter top, earning a bunch of whoops and catcalls. She milked the moment, batting her eyelashes.

Courtney looked back at the audience, rolling her eyes. “You’ll have to use your imagination here, pretend Adore is wearing something slutty for this character.”

“Type casting.” Adore winked.

“Are you ready to fuckin’ sing or what?” Courtney asked, handing Adore a microphone.

“I’m ready! Let’s go!”

Courtney pointed to the band to cue them and the opening bars of Rent’s “Take Me or Leave Me” began to play.

“Every single day, I walk down the street,” Adore began. “I hear people say ‘Baaaby,’ so sweet… “Ever since puberty, everybody stared at me. “Boys, girls, I can’t help it, baby…”

Courtney tried to hide her grin, since her character was supposed to be glowering the whole time, but it was nearly impossible, watching her friend shine beside her. She managed to (mostly) keep it together, though, at least as far as the audience could tell.

As they hit the final notes, harmonizing perfectly, they managed to sing directly into each other’s faces without breaking down giggling like they’d done in every single rehearsal. “Take me baby...or leave me!”

They held a beat before shout-singing the last lines, “Guess I’m leaving! I’m gone!” and flouncing offstage in opposite directions.

In the wings, they turned around and Courtney caught Adore’s eyes. She was jumping up and down and clapping her hands, blowing kisses. Courtney reached out her hand as re-entered to bow. Adore put her arm around Courtney’s shoulders.

“You know,” Courtney said, “I never really understood why people thought Maureen was the hot one. Joanne is clearly the catch in that relationship.”

“The voluptous, Ivy-league educated woman of color with a full-time job? Yeah, I wonder what you like about her.” Adore rolled her eyes.

“Point taken. But like Maureen, she’s seriously such a twat, right? ‘Oh, I’m an artist, I refuse to pay rent...’”

Adore shook her head at Courtney sympathetically. “Awww...boo…so much self-loathing...”

“Shut up! That describes you just as much as me! More, even!” She crossed her arms.

Adore laughed and kissed Courtney on the cheek, branding her with a bright red lipstick mark. “Yes, buttercup.”

“I hate you. Go back to your seat before this turns into Freudian analysis.”

“Guess I’m leaving…” Adore said. “I’m gone!”

Courtney laughed as Adore skipped down the steps. “Good one.” She turned and walked back to her mark for the next number, turning back to the audience dramatically when the lighting changed. “Oh, baby baby…”

Adore jumped to her feet again, cheering loudly, as the giant video screens began playing Courtney’s “Baby One More Time” video. She nudged Bianca. “Look, B, it’s your favorite video! Stand up!!”

Bianca rolled her eyes. “You’re exhausting,” she replied to Adore, eyes still glued to Courtney, who she could swear just caught her eye and winked. Damn, she was hot up there. Suddenly, Bianca didn’t mind how much her feet hurt anymore.

***

After the concert, there was a small gathering at a local club and Courtney really expected to feel nothing but relief. But to her surprise, despite being exhausted, she missed the stage, and the lights, and the feeling she’d gotten when she was up there. She even managed a lengthy conversation with two LiveNation promoters to talk about adding dates to her tour. Just as she was running out of steam, and losing a patience for both of them talking directly to her chest the whole time, she was rescued by Jinkx, who put an arm around her and deftly guided her away, directing her attention to a conversation across the bar.

“So, see that dude Latrice is talking to? That’s my theatrical agent, David Greenberg. Right about now, he’s telling her that they’re doing another Cabaret revival and he thinks you killed ‘Maybe This Time’ and he wants to get you a meeting with the producers and are you interested in Broadway.”

“Are you SERIOUS?!” Courtney exclaimed, covering her mouth with her hand.

“Yup.”

Courtney turned and threw her arms around Jinkx’s shoulders, hugging her tightly. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she cried.

Jinkx laughed. “You sang the song, honey.”

“Hey, bitch, get your hands off my woman!” Adore called, walking over with her arm draped over Alaska, clearly three sheets to the wind.

Jinkx rolled her eyes. “Which one of us are you talking to?” She pulled Adore’s hair gently.

Alaska laughed. “Good question!”

“You guys are all so mean to me, all the time…” Adore slurred, pouting.

“Oh yeah?” Jinkx asked, wrapping her in a hug and kissing her temples. “Like this?

Adore smiled sleepily at Courtney over Jinkx’s shoulder. “Yeah, so mean…”

Courtney laughed. “Yes, you really look like you’re suffering there. We should host a telethon.”

“A tragic life,” Alaska agreed, giggling.

***

“Ahem.”

Bianca turned from the bar to see Annette standing at her shoulder. She smiled. “Hi, Annette! Great show, huh? Your daughter is amazing.”

“Yes, she’s…” Annette smiled. “It was quite special for us to be here. I’m thrilled that we were part of this. She’s really something.”

Bianca nodded, sipping her wine. “She’s worked her ass off, so seeing it pay off like this...it’s incredible. I’m so proud of her.”

Annette sipped her own drink thoughtfully. “She may need to hear you say that...which isn’t to say that you don’t. She just...seems a little fragile right now.”

“Oh?” Bianca tried to keep her voice light, but her heart began to pound a little.

“I’m not sure why, or if it’s even my place to say anything. Maybe it’s all the pressure of this album, and the expectations. I’ve certainly never done anything like this, so I can’t really imagine, and she’s new to this world, so perhaps it will pass once she sees that she can sustain a career. Or maybe it’s a side effect of being an artist. I don’t really know. But it did seem that her confidence was shaken tonight, before the show.”

“Did I...do you think I’m adding to that pressure? Or--”

“Oh, heavens no, love! I didn’t mean that. I just...be patient with her. I can tell she’s trying to figure everything out, and it may take her awhile.”

“Okay…” Bianca felt slightly rattled. What was Courtney trying to figure out? Was their relationship something that she was uncertain about? She wanted to ask more questions, but didn’t want to ask Annette to betray her daughter’s confidence. So she finished by merely saying, “Thank you.”

“No, Bianca, thank you. For your kindness, and your generosity. We’ve had a lovely time.” Annette pulled her in for a big, warm hug, the kind that is distinctly maternal, and some of her anxiety dissipated, just a little.

***

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, V-LISTERS! Welcome to the holiest holiday of the year!

Obviously Li’l Courtney Act’s record label knows they are onto something with those nude pictures coming out, because they suddenly dropped her next music video, for Kaleidoscope, which is one of our favorite songs on the album. The video is about as millennial as it could get, all gender-swapping, sexuality-blurring, 90’s throwback fashion with a big rave type party situation at the end. I mean we didn’t really get it but she looks happy.

However, Li’l Miss Act explains it herself in this interview in today’s issue of The Advocate, which we’re just gonna post here verbatim because it’s just, so /very./ I mean it’s sort of equal parts insufferable and mildly endearing. WE ARE WATCHING YOU COURTNEY!

Kisses, V

THE ADVOCATE: So tell us about what inspired you when writing this song, and conceiving this video. Is all feels very personal.

COURTNEY ACT: It is! Very much! I think the lines that blur between gender and sexuality are really interesting. I always identified as straight, up until the beginning of this year, really, until I fell in love with a woman and it was like...suddenly I was seeing colors for the first time.

TA: Yeah, we heard B’s good in bed.

CA: That’s not what I meant! I mean I guess that too. (laughter) But, I also realized that any time I was really attracted to a guy, I told myself it was because of their strapping masculinity. Which is a thing we’re programmed to think is desirable, especially in places like where I grew up that have very provincial ideas about gender. But then, when I really broke it down, I realized that I liked these men, not because of their masculinity, but in spite of it. You know, like the football player with the long, beautiful eyelashes. Or this one guy I dated where i was just like, obsessed with his butt. And when I think about him now, like, that was a very womanly butt.

TA: A womanly butt?

CA: Yeah! Like round, and soft, and, you know?...Okay, and my brother--

TA: That was a /terrible/ transition!

CA: I know, I’m sorry. But my brother is a drag queen, and like, he dresses up in these beautiful clothes and becomes, not female but like this idea, this fantasy of what a female is supposed to be, and it’s so intriguing and beautiful, but in a whole new way, and I fell in love with drag watching him, because--

TA: This sounds a little...Flowers in the Attic.

CA: That’s what B says! I don't know that book. We don’t read incest porn where I come from.

TA: Maybe you should, it sounds like you’d like it.

CA: (Laughter) Maybe it would hit too close to home.

TA: This is taking an unusual turn…

CA: Sorry. But back to the video, I wanted to play with gender because I’m thinking about it a lot, because of my own views and how they’re changing. I always thought I had to be a certain way, as a female, and that men had to be a certain way, but I think all of that is kind of being turned on it’s head. And now every day I wonder, am I wearing this because I want to, or because society is telling me I should? Maybe I want to wear a really “girly” dress in one moment, and then more androgynous or traditionally masculine clothing the next day, and that’s okay. And it’s not just clothes, but that’s the most obvious expression, the first thing we see. I worked in fashion for awhile and I’m surrounded by it all the time because of Bianca and it’s just like...there’s so much EXPECTATION and I kind of have a natural need to question things, but also this desire to be easy-going, so that’s always an internal struggle.

TA: So basically you’re human.

CA: Is that what that is? What a terrible affliction. Is there a cure?

TA: None that doctors recommend.

CA: (Laughs) Right. So anyway, as you can tell, I’m in my head a lot.

TA: You don’t say!

CA: (giggles)

TA: We hear your next video is much lighter.

CA: Oh, yeah, Ecstasy. It’s pure fluff. Just a fun dance song. Dedicated to my bestie.

TA: Adore?

CA: Yeah.

TA: Wait just a second. You wrote a song called “Ecstasy” about your girlfriend’s sister?

CA: Okay, when you say it like that, it sounds bad. It’s not ABOUT Adore, exactly. It’s about us TOGETHER.

TA: THAT SOUNDS WORSE!

CA: No! Like, it’s about how we go out dancing together, and the freedom that brings.

TA: I’m gonna call you out here. The lyrics are “I kiss your lips, leave it on your tongue--”

CA: I’m not kissing Adore! We’re kissing other people! Oh god, this is a losing battle, isn’t it…? (cracking up)

TA: I think this is between you and Bianca. I mean, you did kiss Adore in your video.

CA: Yeah, well, Bianca knows that was the only time. And she was there. And besides, Bianca doesn’t get jealous. Because hello? She’s Bianca del Rio.

TA: Ha!

CA: It’s true! She’s been with like, supermodels and Oscar winners. She’s not exactly in a position to feel threatened.

TA: So the rumors are true?

CA: You heard the part about seeing colors for the first time, right? (wink)

TA: And on that note…

***

“Oh god, I’m so full.”

“Maybe we should have stopped three Kit Kats ago..”

“No way.” Trixie shook his head and reached out, his free hand rummaging through the giant bowl of candy on the table. Trixie was laying on the couch, his head in Katya’s lap, his pants unbuttoned as his stomach was beyond bloated. He and Katya had decided to spend Halloween in, Ivan not old enough to go out trick and treating, so it seemed natural for them to not go out, to watch Halloween films and to give candy to the children who came to their door.

Ivan had had a great night, the little guy loving the fact that both of his parents were home at the same time, the fruit he was allowed to gorge on and that he was dressed up as an avocado, through Katya was pretty sure her son didn’t have a concept of the soft felt costume Trixie had sewn for him. There was one minor flaw in their plan though. Katya and Trixie had both forgotten that there were no kids in the building, and so they had ended up with enough candy to feed a whole army.

“Your stomach is so tight…” Katya smiled, her hand gently kneading Trixie’s tummy, her nails scratching his skin. “My sweet little sugar bum.”

“I think you mean sugar belly.”

Katya laughed, and Trixie joined her, his entire body moving as she leaned down to kiss him.

“I love you. I love you so much.” Katya gave Trixie another kiss, quickly catching his lip between her teeth, her hand gliding down to his open pants, her fingers sneaking into his underwear and wrapping around his cock.

“Nnh, nooo.” Trixie whined, the man squirming around.

“No?” Katya smiled, another sweet kiss landing on Trixie’s lips.

“I can’t move.” Katya could feel how desperately Trixie tried to pump his hips, his belly holding him down, her hand moving torturously slow.

“Did my big strong man eat too much candy?”

“No..” Trixie shook his head, and Katya sped up her hand, Trixie's mouth falling open.

“That’s what I imagined.” Katya smiled and grabbed a piece of chocolate to force between her husband's lips.

[unclebeggar93-blog]

5 Favorites – Tarek & Justin from The Blue Stones

Sure it’s just stuff. But stuff can make life easier, more enjoyable, etc… Every so often we ask one of our favorite, style-appreciating people to rattle off their five favorite things. Sometimes those things will fit into the realm of “affordable,” and sometimes they won’t. We’re going for the favorites here.

Tarek and Justin of The Blue Stones have been reading Dappered for a long time. Like, a really long time. So long that we’ve been able to track their progress from baby band, to a duo with over 10 million Spotify streams (from just two singles!) under their belts. You’ve probably already heard their music. Their songs have been used in everything from shows like Parks and Rec, to bumper music on NBC’s Sunday Night Football.

These two from Windsor Canada can make one hell of a lot of sound between them, and they proudly describe their version of rock and roll as “music we want to hear.” I can’t even recall how they connected with us at Dappered. Way back when they got our attention with some style questions (I think?) and we’ve been rooting for them ever since. They have a REALLY bright future, and their new album drops this Friday October 26th.

If you haven’t hopped on the vinyl train yet, it’s a great time to do so. Many turntable setups and speaker systems are available at inexpensive prices due to the current resurgence in vinyl popularity. There’s nothing like appreciating a beloved album or single in hi-fidelity. Also, record players bring back the experience of listening to music that’s more focused than hopping between random playlists on a streaming platform. Even for casual music listeners, building a collection of your favorite records will give you a reason to sit back and listen again, while also serving as a great conversation point to house-guests.

I know many readers have probably heard this one before, but dark denim is likely the most versatile piece of clothing you can own. As a backbone to many outfits you can wear year round, it’s a must have for the modern man’s wardrobe. If you’re not the skinny fit type, go for the slim taper cut to maintain the fitted look while staying comfortable. Pair them with a comfy T-Shirt and bomber for the weekends, or a tucked collared shirt and blazer for your night’s out, or an untucked, patterned button-up and some boots for a trip into town…the possibilities are (somewhat) endless.

If you’re into live shows, this app is a must-have. Set your location, favourite bands and you’re off. Bandsintown will notify you every time a show has been announced within a customizable radius around your location. Also, it offers the ability to sync with Spotify, Apple Music, and a range of other music platforms to make tracking effortless. Bandsintown will also recommend other shows in your area that you may enjoy based off similar interests, and allow you to RSVP and buy tickets within the app. It’s a no-brainer for any live show fan, and an easy way to get into the scene if you’re not.

For any weird ear anatomy sufferers like myself, finding a pair of headphones that actually stay on—or in—while working out is a journey. Mine ended when I found the Powerbeats. Wireless connectivity to let you focus on your reps rather than where the cables have ended up, as well as ear hooks and in-ear buds to make sure those damn things stay on. Not to mention great sound quality to keep you motivated and sweating. The beats are also great for commutes, or keeping your hands free for housework while on the phone. Yes, at home…don’t be the public loudspeaker guy.

When I first heard of MVMT’s inexpensive but stylish brand of timepieces several years ago, I shot over to their site to see what was in stock. At the time, although simple and clean, most of their watch faces were far too oversized for my taste. However, after learning about there slick new line of 40 mm watch faces—aptly named the “Forty Series”—I became the owner of a “Black Silver” MVMT watch and haven’t stopped wearing it since. It’s just as wearable with a suit as it is with a T-shirt and jeans. Freaky, right? With a wide range of bands, colors, and sizes, MVMT’s Forty Series is an easy favorite for me.

Sometimes you feel weird going to the gym with a gorgeous leather duffel. And you (should) always feel weird bringing a giveaway “hey thanks for signing up for a membership!” gym duffel to the office. This bag is stylish enough for the office, but the nylon material makes it an easy fit for the gym, too. The compartmentalized shoe bag is entirely underrated— put your dirty gym clothes in there to keep it away from the stuff in the main compartment of the bag. Tons of space, great construction and fits as carry-on for every flight I’ve been on. Lifetime warranty, and the brand carries a “cool” factor that isn’t too young. Tons of pattern and color combinations if all black is’t your thing.

The “Cute vs. Sexy” post here on Dappered really resonated with me. There was a big disconnect for me, some days I would feel great about what I was wearing and other days not so much… even though I was following all the “rules”. Problem was, the specific combinations sometimes gave too much of a cute/innocent look than I wanted. A denim jacket adds a ton of “badass factor” to practically any outfit. It can even be styled for business casual scenarios (depending on your work environment, of course). Use it in lieu of a blazer with a micro-patterned shirt and chinos for less of a “professor” look and more of a rock ‘n roll vibe. In my opinion, it’s a must-own item for any style-minded dude. Go with black or light wash… contrast is key here, especially if wearing it with dark denim and trying to avoid the Canadian Tuxedo look.

By far the most efficient and useful way to make good coffee on the road. Designed by the same guy who made the Aerobie Flying Disc… weirdly enough. This is the cool secret of the coffee industry, the incredibly versatile toy that baristas love to experiment with. Yes it’s a plastic tube with a plunger, but once you start making coffee with this thing you won’t use your automatic brewer again.

Gets a really bad rap these days from a lot of artists due to low payouts, but I’m choosing to look at the good side. The music industry has just started to see profits climb back again for the first time since Napster brought the house down. Yeah the payouts are low, but in 2010 the payouts were zero. And with everyone in the world paying a small fee to have unlimited access to music, accessing small independent artists has never been easier. You pay just as much to be able to listen to The Rolling Stones as you do to listen to the kids down the street making music in their garage. There’s no more gambling your money on an album that could turn out to suck. The discovery algorithms work really well to dial in your taste and you fall in love with a band you never would otherwise have discovered. It’s the great equalizer, and is launching the careers of tons of artists, The Blue Stones included. More people listening to more music is ultimately a good thing for everybody.

It’s the “lite” version of New York — all the same stuff you love about NYC but cleaner, friendlier, and cheaper. Especially cheaper if your salary is paid in American Greenbacks, thanks to a great exchange rate ($500 USD is about $650 CAD). West Queen West (the Western area of Queen St. W) was recently named one of the top 5 coolest neighbourhoods in the world by Vogue magazine. Fantastic music at all levels from grassroots indie to arena, world-class dining, baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer and even professional football. Shopping galore from hip design startups to gigantic malls. Just don’t come in the winter.

The new album from The Blue Stones, “Black Holes”, comes out this Friday October 26th. Agree with Tarek that Vinyl is sweet? You can get the new record on good ol’ vinyl too. Good luck fellas!

Source: https://dappered.com/2018/10/5-favorites-tarek-justin-from-the-blue-stones/