#yeah i cried. this one is funny but mostly it's just. mourning. grief. the works. it's a vent fic & also a. kind of. wishful fic

[daddyplasmius]

hand on my stupid heart flashbacks

this is a No One Knows AU & Full Hazmat AU where Danny ended up in the Ghost Zone & didn't go back into the human world initially because he thought he was dead. by the time he realized he is, in fact, at least half alive, he'd already been missing for at least 2 weeks. will probs never finish homsh sorry. i wrote this a couple years ago in a haze & just haven't been able to finish it because i can't replicate the style, which i find is what i love about this fic the most. it wouldn't be the same without it. posting the flashback introsーwhich are meant to be read between chapters/the actual plot, starting after chapter 1ーcuz fuck it. excuse typos & shit, i never properly edited it, as i forgot it existed immediately after i wrote it original description of homsh: Danny Fenton has officially been missing for over a year. Maddie & Jack Fenton refuse to give up on their son. Sick and tired of the police running them in circles, and the case getting colder by the day, the Fentons turn to their last resortーPhantom. 800~ words (full unfinished fic is 20k~)

-

When Danny woke up surrounded by thick, green fog, and couldn’t breathe without swallowing heavy air that was more like water than anything, he was sure he was dead. The portal glowed behind him, illuminating the pitch darkness around him in soft, yellow, warm light.

He almost went back.

Almost.

He was dead. His parents were ghost hunters. They had drilled into his head from the moment he was born that he could never, ever panic in death. That he would accept it. That he would not be scared. So he would be prepared to be brave in the face of death and would not become a ghost.

He panicked. He did not accept it. He was terrified. And so he woke up in the Ghost Zone.

-

Danny went back through the portal when he saw some ectopuses acting… strange. Like they had an idea in their heads. Like they had a plan.

Which was weird, with animal ghosts. He had only been in the Ghost Zoneーmom and dad called it that, he rememberedーfor a couple weeks. Or, he had already been there for two weeks. Or maybe time worked differently and he was there five minutes, or four years orー

The ectopuses went through the portal and, despite everything, Danny went after them.

While he was busy reeling at being home, the ectopuses immediately attacked dad. Danny was horrified. Jack was overwhelmed. Danny stepped in, in a moment fueled by sheer adrenaline and stupidity, snatching a Fenton Thermos™ off a shelf and releasing his shaky invisibility. The ectopuses didn’t stand a chance. And when they were safely in the Thermos, he slowly turned around to dad, ready for the confrontation. Ready for the “what happened to you?” and the “where have you been?” and the “we’ve missed you”.

Dad scrambled to shoot at him.

Danny fled.

His parents didn’t recognize him.

-

The Lunch Lady attacked when Danny was mourning Halloween.

He’d waited all year. He made a costume that summer. He wouldn’t get to go trick or treating with Sam and Tucker this year. Or any year. For the rest of his lifeーor existence. Whatever.

The Lunch Lady appeared in the school and demanded in straight fury, “Who changed the menu?”

Everyone pointed at Sam.

Danny hadn’t known just how powerful ghosts could be. His parents never told him the specifics. Just that they were dangerous.

This ghost grew and her aura hit him like a hurricane, almost physically pushing him back. It was so strong that the students in the Casper High cafeteria seemed to feel it too.

The Lunch Lady was a much harder opponent than the ectopuses. She levitated meat. She used it as a weapon, and seemed to bring it back to life. She created weird meat creatures that grew sharp teeth and claws out of bones. They were mindless, attacking everything that got too close to the ghost. Danny would have run away without hesitation, if Sam hadn’t been in the crossfire.

Danny fought the Lunch Lady. It was a long struggle, but he caught her in the thermos after over an hour. When he turned to Sam and Tuckerーboth of whom he had to save due to Tucker trying to jump into the fightーall three of them bloody and bruised, he cringed. But a part of him hoped. Desperately.

Surely they would know him on sight.

“Wh-what are you?” Sam gasped at him finally.

Danny flinched as if she had struck him. “J-just… your friendly neighbourhood phantom.”

-

Danny didn’t know what possessed him. Oh. Pun not intended.

He just barely caught the Fentons leaving in the GAV, dragging suitcases behind them. He couldn’t help himself. What on Earth were they doing?

They were going to Vlad Master’s mansion for their college reunion.

It was a whole thing. But something was off. Besides all the adults reminiscing about the 80’s.

Danny sensed ghosts immediately but he couldn’t see anything. Unfortunately for him, Vlad could also sense him. It was two days of Danny staying invisible, and Vladーthe halfa? Is that what Danny is?ーtrying to kill Jack. Somehow, Danny managed to fight off Vlad, not turn back, and without the Fentons getting hurt. His secret intact.

VladーPlasmius, also learned about Phantom. And Vlad hated him. The manーghostーwhatever, seemed to only care about one thingーpossession. Of money. Of things. Of people. He was more ghost than Danny had ever seen. Vlad’s obsession was overwhelming.

Danny couldn’t believe someone so much like himself could be so disturbing.

[coles-number-one-whore]

Warnings! Major Character Death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Self-Deprecating, Self-blaming, Fusion 

Based on this post I made.

Fallen Kingdom

Roman was wondering. Wondering how the king was. Wondering how the others were with the King around.

He knocked on Remus' door hesitantly, flinching when the sound of several crashes were heard before Remus opened his door.

"Oh look who it is!" He grinned. "My dear brother! What brings you around?"

"I just wanted to know... Do you ever wonder how things were when we were one?" He watched as Remus' grin dropped and he shook his head. "Do you want to find out?"

"Dunno." The chaotic twin shrugged. "Do you wanna find out?

"It surely wouldn't hurt." Roman muttered.

Almost immediately, Remus' grin was back as he took his twin's hand.

"Then let this party start!"

~•~

"Woah. This place is so dark and freaky. It's amazing!"

"Yeah. Sure. Amazing. Sure. Where are we anyways?"

"I think we did it Ro! We're the King again!"

~•~

It was his fault. It was his fault and no one else's. It was Roman's fault and no one else's. He was the one who'd done it.

He was the one who'd asked Remus to do it with him. Roman was the one who'd asked Remus to fuse with him.

It was all his fault.

He couldn't stand going into the imagination anymore. It was all a reminder. Of when he and Remus had just split and there were no Light and Dark. When they were just them. Not the Prince and the Duke. Just brothers.

But now he was gone and his part of the imagination was slowly withering and disappearing.

Roman couldn't stand it.

He couldn't watch.

Remus was gone.

Did that make him the king now?

Roman had sat there, thinking about how Virgil always compared him and Remus to Thor and Loki, hoping that Remus had actually pulled a Loki and faked it so he could see Roman cry for once.

Deep down he knew that wasn't it.

He cried for him.

But nobody came.

~•~

Patton was baking that night. He had found a new recipe and wanted to try it out, he decided to call for Roman to be his taste-tester, since everyone else seemed too busy at the moment. "Roman, kiddo! Can you come downstairs for a bit and try my cupcakes?"

He frowned when he didn't hear any answer and went to investigate.

The door he found wasn't Roman's door though. It wasn't the red door with glitter stars on it, instead it was replaced by a normal white door with golden swirling patterns.

Patton rubbed his eyes in amazement, not believing what he was seeing. Surely it couldn't be...

The moral side took a deep breath and mustered up the courage to knock on the door.

"Oh! Hello there, Morality."

Patton couldn't help but let his smile spread.

~•~

"I think it's working Remus! See how happy Patton looks?"

"Yeah yeah I can see the froggy going all starry-eyed when he sees us."

"Where are you? This place is so dark, I can't even see you."

"Oh don't worry! I'm right here beside you. Just like I'm haunting you forever!"

~•~

Morality was curled up on the couch, staring at the air like it was the most interesting thing in the world. He still couldn't believe what had happened.

There was the broken vase, shattered into a million pieces and now lying on the ground. Usually it would've been Remus' fault. Usually it would've been Remus being too caught up in his disturbing thoughts to notice where he was going until he had broken something.

But not this time. This time it was Roman, with one of his more violent outbursts, when he insisted on blaming himself for what had happened.

Patton felt powerless. Before, when he felt like that, he used to bake. But there was some sort of awkward silence in the kitchen that he couldn't stand.

Before, when the silence was like that, Remus would've come around the kitchen and started just talking so the silence wouldn't linger for too long. It wasn't that Patton exactly like the ideas the chaotic side had, but there was just something endearing about how he would sit on the counter and babble on and on about the most random things, as long as you didn't pay too much attention to what he was exactly saying.

It was quiet. So so quiet.

He hated the quiet.

~•~

Logan didn't know what to make out from the King's return. He wasn't repressing his thoughts this time though, he really didn't have much of an opinion on it. He didn't exactly like the king that much anymore, he would deny it, but he might miss the twins constant banters and arguments, but he didn't dislike him either, he understood that the existence of one Creativity as a whole would benefit Thomas' mental state.

So when Patton very rudely rose up into his room excitedly, albeit without asking for permission, and babbling some incoherent nonesense as he dragged Logan to the living room, the logical side was a bit confused about all of Patton's commotion.

So he just accepted it. The King was back. There was only one Creativity from then on. Hopefully this would help things go better.

There was just one thing that slightly worried Logic. It was that the King insisted on calling himself Romulus. Normally, he couldn't care less about that and would move on from it, but there was this feeling inside of him that told him that wasn't it.

He looked into the myth about Romulus and hoped that it was just a sick joke. Remus was part of this after all, he would probably do something like that to make anyone who looked to deep freak out.

Right?

~•~

"Why Romulus though?"

"Nothing, just thought it sounded cool!"

"How come?"

"Don't tell me you haven't looked up what our names mean."

"..."

"Oh you definitely haven't. It's nothing, you can look it up after we decide to split again anyways."

~•~

Logan tried to ignore the tension in the mindscape as he cleaned up the lunch table and throwing away the mostly half-eaten food. Just a few more minutes. A few more minutes and you'll be back in your room.

He rose up in his room the second he was done cleaning up after everyone and plopped onto his bed.

He looked up at the painted stars on his ceiling, trying to make out the constellations in them and ignore how bad he still was at emotions.

He was sad. He wanted to cry. He had lost one of the few sides he'd call his friend. He had lost one of the few people who would drag him along for stargazing in the darker part of the imagination, where they could see the stars properly without all the lanterns flying around in his twin's half. He had lost the one person that would sit with him and they'd exchange creepy and gross facts.

Funny enough, he didn't cry when he thought of those moments, and how he won't have them again.

It seemed to only hit at the most random times, when he wasn't thinking about them. Like when he was reading a book or brushing his teeth or just wandering the mindscape out of boredom.

Those always seemed to be the moments that his mind like to remind him how he had told off the warning.

~•~

Virgil didn't like Romulus, to say the least. He didn't like how Patton would look at him with so much joy and how Logan didn't seem to mind him at all. All he could feel about the King was the crippling sense of dread that seemed to take over him whenever he looked at the side.

So he wondered. Wondered if the two sides could hear him if he talked to Romulus. Wondered if they'd split again if they were told to. Wondered if Remus would hear him of he decided to apologise for being a jerk to them after leaving.

Yet, everytime he tried to get even near the royal, he would feel a suffocating sense of despair that would drive him to getting as far away from Romulus as possible, even if the man was just waving and smiling kindly at him.

Maybe tomorrow, he told himself every day.

~•~

"Ro we should talk to the little nightmare."

"Oh I'm sure he'll be fine soon, Remus. No need to worry!"

"Alright I guess..."

~•~

Stupid little good-for-nothing. He couldn't breath. He couldn't think properly. Oh god, what was happening? Why couldn't he breath? Why didn't you just tell him, you useless hypocrite?

Remus. Remus was gone. He hadn't apologised and now he'd never have the chance to.

You really are dumb. What made you think he would forgive you anyway? Especially after how you were that last time.

He used to be happy with them too. Just the three of them. The dark sides. The terror's of the mindscape. It was a fun time.

Him and Remus would cause trouble all the time, and then Janus would come after them and clean up their mess. Sometimes they'd pull pranks on the other residents of the mindscape. Sometimes they would just sit around with a few board games and a batch of cupcakes or cookies, stay up all night playing and later wake up and see that they had fallen sleep on the ground. Remus would always win Space Encounters and Candyland.

The thought of those times only made more tears slip out from his eyes and blur his vision.

Idiot.

Useless.

~•~

Janus would be lying if he said he didn't miss Remus, then again, he was Deceit. The darker part of the mindscape was now quiet without Remus' constant chatter.

He would be lying if he said he was happy with the arrangement.

But he'd also be lying if he said it wasn't helping Thomas.

Wasn't he a liar though?

~•~

"You've been quiet. Is something wrong?"

"..."

"Remus? Are you alright?"

"I-- Yeah, I'm fine. Do you know that if mermaid's existed, they'd have tp pee from their belly button?"

"...I did not need that imagery."

~•~

It was cold. Janus pulled the blanket over himself tighter. Once upon a time, Remus and Virgil would also huddle under it with him. But now Remus was gone and Virgil hated him and it was colder than ever.

He was pitiful, hiding under his blankets all day and flipping off anyone who came near him. It was just like when Virgil had dumped them for the 'Light' Sides.

Except back then Remus helped.

Back then Remus would ignore all the little things that bothered him, whether it was that Virgil didn't like them anymore or that his favourite show had ended. Instead he popped around his room with baked goods and cheesy comedy movies to try tonmake him feel better.

He wondered if he should just stay in his room forever, maybe then someone else would come for him.

~•~

Romulus didn't know when it started. At first it was just a tingling in his chest, a sensation of something being wrong.

Little by little, it got more and more, until its pain was unbearable. Until he could barely breath anymore. He fell to the ground.

~•~

"Are you there? You've been awfully quiet lately."

"..."

"Remus?"

"..."

"

"Remus?!"

~•~

Roman gasped as he got back om his feet. The split had left him in a daze. "Remus?" He looked around, panicking when his brother was nowhere to be seen.

He screamed when he realized what had happened.

Remus was gone.

There was no Duke now.

There was only the Prince.

~•~

A/N: All kinds of comments are appreciated. Short comments, Long comments, Very short comments, extra gigantic comments, Extra hearts, Hating me for creating this, EVERYTHING!

Taglist: @stationery-cum @meowthefluffy

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: The Quarterback

Masterpost

5x03: The Quarterback

So. I’ve been going through a lot lately, which is why this series has stalled a little.  And it’s funny, because I received a few messages stating that it’d be okay to skip this one for now.  It is a very delicate subject.  And, you know, I couldn’t - for two reasons really.  The first being that I’ve been actually looking forward to doing this, especially since all the personal drama.  This is an episode about grief, and how people deal differently with it, and is so, so good in that respect.  

The second is - something that I think was very smart on the writers part, was that this is a thing that impacts the rest of the show.  I can’t /not/ talk about this episode anymore than I can’t not talk about Never Been Kissed or Original Song.  This episode, and this story, is not just about the tragedy that happened in real life, but is also about a tragedy that happened in a fictional world, too - and that tragedy does have consequences that play out throughout the rest of the series.  

So, this episode is a tribute and in memoriam for Cory.  But I am not going to discuss Cory here, I don’t feel it my place, and other people have said better things elsewhere. But I am sorry for the loss - not just because Cory seemed like a good guy - but because the cast and crew of this show so clearly loved him.  It’s very much felt within the episode.  This is the only time in the show that I think reality and fantasy are truly blurred. 

I kind of want to put a disclaimer on this one -- a reminder that I’m only able to interpret things through my own prism of experiences and understanding.  How I see Kurt as he functions within the narrative is based on how I perceive the story being told.  But those thoughts might differ from others.  And that’s okay, because we all come to the table with different thoughts. And there’s no one right interpretation.  This is just mine. 

Seasons of Love

Seasons of Love seems an incredibly fitting choice as an opening number - and a pretty strong way to open what is a difficult conversation to have with the viewer.  The song, to me, is about not thinking about time as a measurement of someone’s life, but how they lived their life, the memories you made, the people you held dearly in your world, that’s what really matters.  And this entire episode, again smartly, focuses in on the important memories of Finn (and Cory) - and says - this is how a person should be remembered, by their life, not their death. 

I can’t say too much about Kurt here - I think this particular performance is less about the characters, and more about setting the stage, and giving a connected performance to the audience.  I will say, though I don’t believe its intentional, I think this performance is a representation of the funeral - everyone dressed in black, everyone mourning, everyone coming together.  I think it’s that representation that when a tragedy happens, you reach out to your family. 

As a side note - even I cried through this number the first time I heard it. 

Going Home

Kurt: Three weeks to the day since his funeral and it’s the first time I’ve had the courage to even look at the suit I wore to it.  And now back to Lima for a special memorial Mr. Schue’s planning.  We’re all going back.  Everyone who can.  Being together is hard.  It makes it more real.  But I also need my friends right now.  People keep asking me, “how are you feeling?  What are you feeling?”.  I have no answers.  Honestly, what can you say about a 19-year-old who dies?  Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares?  One moment in his whole life.  I care more about how he lived.  And anyone who has a problem with that should remember that he was my brother.  [...] This isn’t real.  I’m not going home for this.  He’s going to be there.  I’m going to spend my entire life missing him. 

We open the story with Kurt’s monologue.  And one thing I’d really like to point out is that at this point, Kurt becomes the male lead of the show.  Will hasn’t been for a long time.  And Finn is no longer there.  And it’s an interesting road to see how this became the case, that Kurt’s risen from the strange gay kid doing funny things in the background to carrying the show.  I mean, yeah, the show’s still an ensemble at heart.  But for all that early season 3 stuff that says Kurt’s not capable of being a leading man - I say, look at season 5, and there it is.  

So this opening monologue is something.  It makes a lot of sense that open with Kurt, not only was Finn his brother, and essentially Rachel’s family, but he ends up being the one connecting the narrative together.  And I think it’s really fascinating.  Kurt, as we’ve known in the past, goes inward to grieve, and this alone time is the one time we really see how he’s processing all of it.  Because throughout the rest of the story, he’s going to be a pillar for everyone else to lean on.  

Kurt mentions he hasn’t looked at the suit he wore to the funeral since the day it happened.  In true Kurt fashion, he’s been compartmentalizing what had happened, and pushing it away so to continue on with life.  What has he done in those three weeks back in NYC? I’m not sure - but probably throwing a lot of himself into his studies and work.  But more interestingly is his thoughts that going home is essential - that he needs his friends and his family to help him through this.  This Kurt has grown through all his other tragedies.  He’s not cutting himself off, like he did after his breakup with Blaine, like when his dad had a heart attack, like (I assume) when his mom died.  He’s reaching out - knowing it’s going to be incredibly difficult, but they’re better if they go through it together. 

The ‘how are you feeling’ line gets me on a personal level.  Because when things like this happen - you don’t always know what to feel, how to feel.  Sometimes things change so suddenly that it can be very, very hard to process - like it isn’t real.  And people ask you, how are you feeling, and how can you respond? Because you don’t have an answer to the question.  And they’re being kind, and you are grateful they care, but sometimes, you avoid people just so you don’t have to answer that question.  I get ya, kiddo.  I do. 

The ‘everyone wants to talk about how he died’ line is incredibly meta about how Cory died.  And it’s essentially the show, through Kurt, saying - we’re not going to talk about that.  We’re going to celebrate his life instead - again echoing the opening statement of Seasons of Love, but also, smartly, side-stepping the narrative issue of how Finn died by saying - you know, it really doesn’t matter.  What matters is that it did - and this is how we deal with it, and this is how we remember the person he was.  

One of the amazing things about this scene is Chris’s acting.  The facial expressions match the monologue incredibly well.  When Kurt gets defensive, and defends Finn as his brother, Chris’s face shifts to anger.  Damn, some good acting there.  Too bad Glee was labeled a comedy.  Too bad Glee didn’t put this much effort into all of its episodes.  Ah well.  Anyway....  

Then there’s the ‘I’m going to miss him for the rest of my life’ - which guts me every time.  Because he will - and we will - and everyone will.  

A lot of Kurt’s grief is inward - but I think that’s okay? I mean - no, you shouldn’t bottle your emotions up - and I think Kurt’s in a relatively healthy place about all of this - especially since he does reach out to others not just in this episode, but continuing on, but I think one of the most powerful aspects of this episode is that there are different ways to grieve.  And Kurt’s is inward processing.  

As he collects himself, he shifts - and becomes a role that he’s more accustomed to than you might think - and that’s caregiver.  I mean - he had to take care of his dad for a long time, and he’s spent a good deal of season 4 and 5 taking care of Rachel.  He does take care of those he loves.  It’s funny because Kurt’s always so labeled unkind, or cold, or uncaring.  But Kurt’s capacity for loving and caring is actually quite large -- but it’s only with those he deems worthy enough to receive it.  

But I also don’t think it’s wrong that he takes on this role in this instance.  I believe, for Kurt, him being strong for others helps him, too.  Sometimes being the strong one, the one people rely on, helps you keep it together, too.  And I think here -- Kurt being the pillar everyone leans on is just fine by him.  

It’s interesting, too, to see how much he softens when dealing with Rachel.  He knows how she is -- he knows how delicate she can be.  Sure they push and pull each other and that’s fine.  But this is beyond that, and he knows how to handle such a fragile thing.  

I’ll Stand By You

I’m....gonna ignore Will in this episode - cause I don’t have a lot of nice things to say.  Long story short, the week is to remember Finn.  And Mercedes goes first by singing I’ll Stand by You.  And Kurt genuinely smiles at the memory, because way back in Ballad - Kurt played piano as Finn sang it.  It’s a good memory - one where Kurt and Finn started to bond.  

(Mostly) Everyone else in the choir room begins to sing with Mercedes - but Kurt sits their silently.  That’s the internal processing and grieving again.  He’s kind of soaking up Mercedes’s song.  I’ll stand by you - yup, they’ll all stand up by each other whenever they need each other.  And they all need each other right now.  But also, Kurt’s kind of going through an inward journey, too. 

Tree of Life

It’s funny - it kind of makes sense that Sue and Kurt would have a scene at this point.  She tends to be around for a lot of his emotionally significant things.  But this scene really isn’t about Kurt.  It’s about Sue, who spends a lot of this episode dishing out the morals of the story, and how she’s explaining why Puck decided to steal a tree - or more so, that people do strange things when they’re in grief.  Which is true.  

I find it interesting how calm Kurt is -- letting Sue’s insane comments role right off his back as he just sits there and takes it all in.  I mean, she makes a throw away comment about him having ass-less pants.  Oh Sue, and her fourth-wall breaking self.  But more so - Kurt’s not only used to Sue’s brand of insanity - he knows how to handle her pretty well (comparatively to how Santana will later on in the episode).  He only gets upset when he hears that someone has stolen the tree.  

Also - we learn that Kurt was the one who funded the twenty dollar tree in the first place.  I kind of wonder if this was a group idea because Kurt isn’t an overly sentimental person.  I can see someone like Mercedes or Blaine talking about a memorial and Kurt handing over the twenty - like here, make it happen.  

Anyway - the other big takeaway is Sue’s line about how people will want to hold on to whatever’s left in whatever way they can.  It’s not only about Puck stealing a tree, but an explanation as to why Will will later take the jacket.  

Family Time

I think this is one of the hardest and best scenes of the episode.  It’s always hardest for the families involved.  And this gives us a peak at what’s going on back home.  I think all the little details in Finn’s room are interesting.  It’s definitely made up to honor Finn, and if you pause at various times, there are a lot of little things to check out. 

So - the point of this scene is that it’s time for them to clean out Finn’s room.  And while both Burt and Kurt assure Carole that there’s no time table on it - Carole wants to get it one - because she fears if she doesn’t, it won’t.  And it’s an interesting throwback to the fact that Carole kept everything the same after her first husband died - to the point where it started holding her back in life. I’m kind of amazed at her strength because she is the one who (understandably) is taking this the hardest - and yet she knows what has to be done.  

We then get the call back to Preggers, and the Single Ladies out on the football field - which is a nice little memory.   And then we get a call back to Theatricality with the whole ‘faggy’ lamp.  I like that Finn kept it - as a gesture of acceptance to Kurt.  

If I have to be honest, I side-eye a little at Burt’s revisionist remembrance of the events in Theatricality.  Finn wasn’t a perfect person (and that’s okay!!) - but I do believe that Burt’s rant was a lesson in tolerance was for himself just as it was for Finn.  And - I think this goes along with the idea that when someone dies - you do tend to remember and/or latch on to just the good (or bad) parts about them.  

But then Burt goes on to talk about how he should have hugged Finn more, and he’s regretful that he didn’t do more - and that’s another aspect of grief - wishing that you could do things over again.  Oh Burt... You did a good job even if you didn’t think so. 

Kurt’s pretty quiet throughout the first part of this scene.  But seeing his dad, a man who’s pretty stoic in the face of a lot of things loose it, causes Kurt to break down a little bit.  But then there’s the jacket - and Kurt says that he’d like to keep it.  I’m guessing Kurt won’t keep many mementos of Finn’s but this one does hold a deeper personal significance to him.  

Kurt says that Finn was like Superman in that jacket.  And I mean - Blaine’s the first person Kurt finds real, romantic love with.  But Finn was the first boy who didn’t treat him badly, who stood up for him, who became his friend, and later his brother.  And it’s a bond that’s very deep and important to Kurt. (Wish we could have seen it a little more on screen, but ah well) I also like the visual of Kurt being able to wrap himself up in the jacket, as if keeping it close to him, and only him.  And he takes a moment to smell it - an interesting callback to the couple of times he’s said he remembers how his mom smelled - and that stays with him. 

And Kurt breaks down, the only real time he breaks down in the episode - and it’s no surprise that it’s in private, with only his family there.   It’s funny - because Kurt does cry a lot in the series, but I don’t think he’s openly emotional like this very often -- usually only in safe places.  Huh.  

Anyway - Carole.  It’s Carole’s turn next, and I think this is one of the best performances of the show - as she talks about being a parent who lost a child.  It’s another time it’s sad that Glee was labeled ‘comedy’ cause Romy Rosemont’s performance is amazing here.  I’m so glad Carole has Burt and Kurt in her life to help her through this.  I’m glad they all have each other - as they close in and hold each other.  This is what families do. 

Dumpster

Kurt’s standing outside - looking at the dumpster he was once thrown into, and probably thinking about how Finn was a step above the usual bullies that used to throw him in.  Puck comes a long and is, well, as insensitive as usual.  But there’s something so interesting about this dynamic.  I think this is the first time Kurt and Puck have shared a real scene together since ...  season 1? And god, how much Kurt has grown.  He’s no longer scared of Puck - calls his act exhausting.  Puck hasn’t been any kind of threat to him in a long, long time - and I feel like the contrast is striking.  Puck, however, really hasn’t changed too much. 

I do feel for Puck in this scene though.  He doesn’t have anything of Finn’s, and weirdly, this scene reminds me of something Blaine said about Kurt back in Dynamic Duets: ‘We were a dynamic duo here.  [He] was my anchor, and now that he’s gone I just feel like I’m floating.’  I kind of feel like that’s where Puck’s at (and Beiste will help him through this a bit.  Kurt’s got a lot of care of people - but Puck is not one of them.  

But I get Puck’s want -- need -- of the jacket.  As Sue said earlier, people sometimes need something to hold on to.  And Puck really doesn’t have anything.  I’d be the type of person who’d find something to give him. Kurt’s not that type of person. 

Puck, of course, tries out his old tactics - offering to buy it, then insulting Kurt and his masculinity as an aggressive tactic against Kurt having the jacket.  Of course, older Kurt doesn’t really give a shit - and sees through to the scared little boy that Puck is.  I do kind of love the moment where Kurt sizes him up and dares Puck to take him on.  

Oh, Kurt, you’ve grown up so much. 

If I Die Young

It’s Santana’s turn to sing - and she sings a song about making the best of time while you have it.  Kurt’s pretty stoic during the whole thing.  The only thing I can really make out is that he’s understanding her words, even if he’s not showing them on his face. 

Idk - I just thought this shot was interesting, after Santana’s break down.  Kurt goes in on himself a little - but I also feel like I can see him thinking that he should probably go say something to her. 

Kurt going to Santana is another scene that kind of puts into focus, for me, how much Kurt has grown up.  Santana used to be this Cheerio, this higher person on the food chain that was above him.  But here on the stage - they’re very much equals.  And Kurt’s advice to her is -- rather mature.  And he gives her a chance to be real person, and feel real things.  It’s a shame that these two didn’t get to do some meatier drama with each other.  

Kurt: If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Finn’s death, it’s that shame is a wasted emotion.  I’m sure Finn had secrets,too, but who cares now?  Do you really think one day on your deathbed you’re gonna think ‘oh good, no one knew I was kind’. 

I’m not sure if I have more to add to the quote - just that he’s right, life’s too short not to be who you really are.  

So, Kurt and Santana spend a moment, where Santana admits the kind things Finn had done for her.  And for Santana - expressing real emotion is probably harder for her than it is for Kurt.  She wants to be alone to break down.  And Kurt, wisely, doesn’t push it.  He understands her here.  And you know, now that I think of it, her willingness to be emotionally open, and the fact that he and Santana have had the chance to grow as a real type of family, is why he gives up the jacket to her.  She needs something to hold on to, just like he did, but she needs it more right now - and so he passes it on. 

No Surrender

And now it’s Puck’s turn to sing about living life while you have it -- or more so not regretting the choices you made in life. Everyone’s really starting to break down -- but Kurt doesn’t.  He’s very much on edge, but he’s holding it together pretty well.  

I guess now’s a good time to note that Kurt doesn’t sing in this episode.  And while that’s to the dismay of a lot of people, it makes sense as a narrative choice? Kurt is so closed off about his grief that singing in public would seem too invasive.  Kurt always puts himself out there when singing in front of a group, but this is a little too deep and a little too personal to sing about.  Now -- granted, later on, in another episode maybe, would have been a nice time for a solo, more than I’m Still Here -- but ah well.  All the things we could have had and didn’t.  But still - it makes a lot of sense to me here.  

So - after the song, we find out that the jacket’s gone missing.  I once again feel a little bad for Puck - as he’s actually telling the truth here, but more so that Will straight up lies about it and yells at Puck, too.  But anyway -- 

I think Kurt’s actions are interesting here -- he does have a little compassion for Puck, as he says he’ll allow Puck a day with the jacket -- cause, again, he understands the need.  

Make You Feel My Love

So. Rachel arrives for the last act.  And it’s interesting to me that -- Kurt had all of his break down moments early in the episode, and has been more together over the course of this episode while everyone else kind of loses it more.  But I think that’s purposeful, as well as in character.  But also, I think it leads up to this moment, where he can be a somewhat literal pillar of strength for Rachel.  

There’s something very brotherly-sisterly vibe about this moment.  And I know I whine all the time about Kurt always having to be Rachel’s emotional crutch - but this is the one time where I think it’s absolutely relevant and meaningful and appropriate.  And I really love this little moment where he can her rock. I think it works for everything these two have gone through. 

So then we get Make You Feel My Love - which is -- incredibly powerful.  I think it’s my favorite Rachel solo in the entire show, and one of Lea Michele’s best performances.  It’s so heartbreaking-ly real. 

So.  Okay.  Blaine.  Blaine doesn’t have any lines in this episode.  I mean, the newbies and even the senior class don’t really get any lines.  But Blaine says nothing.  What does that mean? I’m not sure - I’ll have to grab a Blaine stan to talk about that.  But this is the first (and only) time Kurt and Blaine connect in the episode.  And it’s interesting that they start out the episode sitting very far apart from each other, and each choir room scene they have, they sit one seat closer.  It’s gotta be intentional - it feels too staged not to be. 

So - I take it as Kurt needing to go through this grieving process on his own for a little while.  He needed some space to process, but he slowly finds his way back to Blaine, and when he does, he holds on tight.  And - they get one quick shared look, but I find it so interesting.  Because Blaine - through his breaking down - is kind of saying to him, that he’ll be there for whatever Kurt needs.  But Kurt’s almost reflective - like thinking about how /this/ how holding Blaine and being with him and next to him, is the most important thing.  He starts the moment staring at their hands, and, possibly, the ring on his finger - and he finally breaks down in the choir room.  Because he has an anchor and is in a safe place to allow himself to really do that.  

I also think, that for both of them, there’s a reflection of their own mortality here, too.  I don’t think either one of them wants to know, really, what Rachel’s going through - and it’s a moment of gratefulness that they still have each other.  And this song, while it’s a Finchel song, has emotional resonance to them as well. 

I kind of want to talk about touch, again, in this moment.  Mercedes, actually, has his other hand, and I think it’s important.  Kurt doesn’t touch many people in this episode -- His dad, Carole, Rachel, Blaine, and Mercedes.  He places the jacket on Santana’s shoulders, but it’s guarded.  But still -- these people are his family, and the ones who mean the most to him, so I don’t think it’s at all an accident that Kurt’s not the one going in for the group hugs - that his touch is reserved for the people he’s allowed in.  

///

So, that’s all the Kurt in the episode.  Santana’s story wraps up (and while this scene was earlier - I love the one with her and Sue -- where Sue says that sometimes there isn’t a reason for things -- sometimes things just happen).  There’s Puck and Beiste - and Puck deciding to be a better person.  Kinda wish this had been the end of Puck’s story - I think it wraps up nicely here, tbh.  And then Will and Rachel’s poignant scene at the end.  Oh and Will admitting he took the jacket (ug)  

But I just want to say this - they lay out what the end of the series was going to be with that last Rachel/Will scene.  And while - obvs - I wouldn’t ever have wanted the tragedy to happen, I can’t say I liked their picture of the ending of the series, and that I do enjoy what we did get.   The show goes in a direction I enjoy after this, opposed to down a path I don’t think I would have liked.  That doesn’t mean I’m glad Finn and/or Cory is dead.   I always feel like people are often persecuted for saying that.  But I’m going to be honest about my opinion.  And that is how I feel.

Anyway - like I said in the beginning - I’m glad that this wasn’t a one-note story, that like in real life, these tragedies effect people’s lives - and we’ll get to see that play out over the next two seasons.  And I’ll end by saying - I’m sorry that this happened, and I wished hadn’t, but I do think they handled it well - and this episode is one of the best episodes of the entire series.