#yeah that's not who we are; we are not beautiful ( ches

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

@thexcowardlyxleo @songsofacagedbird

[thelittlestcheshire]

if it weren't for you meddling kids...

A collection of seven playlists about my character’s inner-muse dynamics with one another.

playlist i: you’ll always be the one i love the most

a general balo and ches playlist

team (lorde) [not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things. livin' in ruins of a palace within my dreams. and you know, we're on each other's team] // drag me down (one direction) [all my life, you stood by me when no one else was ever behind me. all these lights, they can't blind me, with your love, nobody can drag me down] // brave honest beautiful ( fifth harmony ft. meghan trainor ) [don't go and waste your precious time, with all the nonsense on your mind. no, don't criticize yourself no more, you got a smile worth fighting for]  // told you so (little mix) [girl, just come 'round mine tonight i've got wine and make-up wipes.  i'll hold you (i'll hold you),. we can put the kettle on, talk 'bout how he's not the one. i told you but, i'm never gonna say i told you so] //  friends (jasmine thompson) [who knows, who cares what we're gonna be. if you're near, i'm there. it will always be home, wherever we go.] // we belong (pat benatar) [we belong to the light, we belong to the thunder. we belong to the sound of the words, we've both fallen under. whatever we deny or embrace, for worse or for better; we belong, we belong, we belong together.] // safe & sound (taylor swift ft. the civil wars) [i remember tears streaming down your face when i said i'll never let you go. when all those shadows almost killed your light. i remember you said, “don't leave me here alone.” but all that's dead and gone and passed tonight] // buzzcut season (lorde) [cola with the burnt-out taste, i'm the one you tell your fears to. there'll never be enough of us] // unsteady (x ambassadors) [if you love me, don't let go. hold, hold on, hold on to me ‘cause i'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady] // i’ll keep you safe (sleeping at last) [don't be, don't be afraid. god knows, these mistakes will be made, but i promise you i'll keep you safe] // tell her you love her - acoustic (echosmith) [when she says she needs you, tell her you need her too. you tell her clearly, speak what your heart wants you to. tell her she's lovely, always tell her the truth. when she says she loves you, tell her you love her too] // nightingale (demi lovato) [oh, nightingale, you sing to me i know you're there. 'cause, baby, you're my sanity. you bring me peace, sing me to sleep]  // deep end (ruelle) [what can i do when it's pulling me under, pulling me underneath?] // hold your breath (ruelle) [hold your breath, don't let go. i feel it coming]  // my love won’t let you down (little mix) [we can sit on the edge of your bed, tell me all of the fears in your head. and i'll sing you your favourite song ‘til the pain and all the tears are all gone] // rainbow connection (sleeping at last) [have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? i've heard them calling my name. is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors? the voice might be one and the same.]

playlist ii: #squadgoals (aka balo and ches are sharing the aux):

8+ hours of music the girls listen to when they hang out, please remember to shuffle!

playlist iii: and if you were drowned at sea i’d give you my lungs so you could breathe

a general balo and zander playlist

shaking heads (foxes) [and if i turn around, there'll be no light. i know the danger, but it's alright. pick up the light and keep it, darling. you know that i can tell] // bottom of the river (delta rae) [hold my hand, ooh, baby, it's a long way down to the bottom of the river] // hey brother (avicii) [hey, brother; do you still believe in one another? hey, sister; do you still believe in love? i wonder.] // i hope you dance (lee ann womack) [i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. whenever one door closes, i hope one more opens. promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance...] // my wish (rascal flatts) [i hope you never look back but you never forget all the ones who love you and the place you left. i hope you always forgive and you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get.] // echo (foxes) [look into my eyes, do you see something to defend? spinning in the lights, will i grow old before i die?]  // brother (kodaline) [if i was dying on my knees, you would be the one to rescue me. and if you were drowned at sea i'd give you my lungs so you could breathe] // get your wish (porter robinson) [so tell me how it felt when you walked on water, did you get your wish? floating to the surface, quicker than you sank. idol, idol] // icu {madison’s lullaby} (demi lovato) [sometimes i can see myself in the little things you do but i'm not afraid that you'll lose your way. 'cause i believe in you. you're gonna be the one who's strong enough, who can overcome, anything in your way]

playlist iv: i’m afraid of what i’m risking if i follow you

a general ches and zander playlist

into the unknown (panic at the disco) [what do you want? 'cause you've been keeping me awake. are you here to distract me so i make a big mistake? or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me, who knows deep down i'm not where i'm meant to be?] // carry you (ruelle & fleurie) [you are not alone, i've been here the whole time singing you a song. i will carry you] // bud like you (ajr) [kickin' in the basement, kickin' in the basement, hatin' all the same things too. if i need a pick-me-up, would you come and pick me up? i could really use a bud like you] // wilson {expensive mistakes} (fall out boy) [and when i say i'm sorry i'm late, i wasn't showing up at all. i really mean i didn't plan on showing up at all. don't you, don't you, don't you know i hate all my friends, i miss the days when i pretended. i hate all my friends, i miss the days when i pretended with you] // unpack your heart (philip philips) [show me something the rest never see. give me all that you hope to receive, your deepest regret dies with me] // where do you run (the score) [where do you run when you need to breathe? where do you run when you don't believe? where do you run when you can't face your fears? 'cause every time i run, i run to you] // twin skeleton’s {hotel in nyc} (fall out boy) [and there's a jet black crow droning on and on and on; up above our heads droning on and on and on. keep making trouble 'til you find what you love. i need a new partner in crime and you, you shrug] // maybe idk (jon bellion) [i wonder why i feel short when i know my money’s tall. i wonder why i miss everyone and i still don’t call. i wonder why i can’t run that fast in my dreams] // you are enough (sleeping at last) [you're enough, you're enough, you're enough, you are enough. these little words, somehow they’re changing us. you're enough, you're enough, you are enough. so we let our shadows fall away like dust] // midnight sun (philip philips) [oh my friend, look how time has changed the cracks in our skin. oh my friend, let go of the fear that’s inside your head. so stay strong, live on, and chase the midnight sun]

playlist v: beyond every bend is a long blinding end; the worst kind of pain i’ve known

a ches and zander playlist set during the aftermath of the jack posters with an alternating pov (track 2 is zander, track 3 is ches, etc etc. tracks 1 and tracks 12 are mutual)

the choice (gustavo santaolalla & alan umstead) // burning in the skies (linkin park) [i'm swimming in the smoke of bridges i have burned, so don't apologize i'm losing what i don't deserve] // the good in me (jon bellion) [one temptation sparked this, now i can feel the darkness. it's my own fault, but you had this planned. all of me, you take now, like criminals and shakedowns, yeah, you make me forget who i am] // another brick in the wall, prt. 3 (pink floyd) [i don't need no arms around me and i don't need no drugs to calm me. i have seen the writing on the wall, don't think i need anything at all] // bad blood (taylor swift) [did you think we'd be fine? still got scars in my back from your knives. so don't think it's in the past, these kinds of wounds they last and they last] // no light, no light (florence + the machine) [and i'd do anything to make you stay. no light, no light, no light. tell me what you want me to say. you want a revelation, you wanna get it right. but it's a conversation, i just can't have tonight...] // that won’t save us (against the current) [how did we become so numb? we just let it come undone, and i just started giving up. but that won't save us] // hard to say i’m sorry (chicago) [it's hard for me to say i'm sorry. i just want you to stay. after all that we've been through i will make it up to you, i promise to] // believe (mumford & sons)  [i don't even know if i believe everything you're trying to say to me] // second chances (imagine dragons) [quicker than lightning, whiter than bone. if you can erase it, then i can atone. oh these days, oh these days get heavy. i get older and life fades, but you remain] // swallow my pride (ramones) [loose lips sink ships, they said but isn't it always that way? swallow my pride, oh yeah] // roads untravelled (linkin park) [weep not for roads untraveled, weep not for sights unseen. may your love never end, and if you need a friend there's a seat here alongside me]

playlist vi: it’s mourning in america

a playlist for the luxor trio - balo, ches, and zander

heathens (twenty one pilots) [we don't deal with outsiders very well, they say newcomers have a certain smell. you have trust issues, not to mention, they say they can smell your intentions] // morning in america (jon bellion) [we're secretly out of control, nobody says it. when the class president overdosed, we all pretended tt was rare, it was shocking and all the town was talking. yeah, we're secretly out of control and everyone knows. oh, it's morning in america] // the kids aren’t alright (fall out boy) [and in the end, i'd do it all again. i think you're my best friend. don't you know that the kids aren't al-, kids aren't alright?] // more than words (little mix & kamille) [i find peace in every story you told, i think of you, i'll never be alone. oh, it's true, you know i do. oh, i need you more than words can say. oh, you save me in ways that i can't explain. always been there for me, now i'll do the same] // family (mother mother) [and when you’re standing on the ledge i’ll pull ya down, put you to bed. and if you’re bleeding from the heart i'll come around, and clean it up] // beautiful people (ed sheeran & khalid) [we don't fit in well 'cause we are just ourselves, i could use some help gettin' out of this conversation, yeah. you look stunning, dear, so don't ask that question here. this is my only fear: that we become beautiful people] // immortals (fall out boy) [they say we are what we are but we don't have to be. i'm bad behavior but i do it in the best way. i'll be the watcher of the eternal flame, i'll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams. i am the sand in the bottom half of the hourglass, i try to picture me without you but i can't] // family (the chainsmokers & kygo) [when i am blind, in my mind i swear they be my rescue, my lifeline. i don't know what i'd do if i, if i'd survive my brothers and my sisters in my life, yeah] // walking the wire (imagine dragons) [oh, the storm is ragin' against us now. if you're afraid of falling, then don't look down. but we took the step, oh, we took the leap and we'll take what comes, take what comes] // take it out on you (ruelle) [i don’t wanna take it out, take it out on you, on you. it feels like i'm breaking down, watching my words cut you in two, in two. 'cause you are the only who saves me from myself when everything is caving. don’t wanna take it out, take it out on you, on you, but i do] // from now on (the greatest showman) [and from now on these eyes will not be blinded by the lights. from now on what's waited 'til tomorrow starts tonight. and let this promise in me start, like an anthem in my heart] // long live (taylor swift) [can you take a moment? promise me this: that you'll stand by me forever, but if god forbid fate should step in and force us into a goodbye. if you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name] // i hope you’re happy (blue october) [there will be days when you're falling down, there will be days when you're inside out. there will be days when you fall apart, someone else will break your heart. they're never gonna hold you back, i'm always gonna have your back so try to remember that...]

playlist vii: those meddling kids

a playlist for balo, ches, collen, and zander - and their friendship

on my way (phil collins) ['cause there's nothing like seeing each other again, no matter what the distance between. and the stories that we tell will make you smile, oh it really lifts my heart], more than a band (lemonade mouth) [i never knew you could take me so far. i've always wanted the home that you are, the ones i need] // i lived (onerepublic) [hope that you spend your days but they all add up and when that sun goes down hope you raise your cup. i wish that i could witness all your joy and all your pain, but until my moment comes, i'll say...] // i’m gonna be {500 miles} (the pretenders) [if i get drunk, well, i know i'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you. and if i haver, yeah, i know i'm gonna be i'm gonna be the man who's haverin' to you. but i would walk five hundred miles, and i would walk five hundred more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door] // tongue tied (grouplove) [take me to your best friend's house, ‘goin' 'round this roundabout, oh yeah. oh, take me to your best friend's house; i loved you then and i love you now, oh yeah] // i’ll be there for you (the rembrandts) [no one could ever know me, no one could ever see me. seems you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me. someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with. someone i'll always laugh with, even at my worst, i'm best with you, yeah] // drag me down (one direction) [if i didn't have you, there would be nothing left, the shell of a man that could never be his best. if i didn't have you, i'd never see the sun, you taught me how to be someone, yeah] // miss americana & the heartbreak prince (taylor swift) [it's you and me, that's my whole world. they whisper in the hallway, “she's a bad, bad girl.” the whole school is rolling fake dice, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. it's you and me, there's nothing like this, miss americana and the heartbreak prince. we're so sad, we paint the town blue, voted most likely to run away with you] // sharp edges (linkin park) [sharp edges have consequences, i guess that i had to find out for myself. sharp edges have consequences, now every scar is a story i can tell. we all fall down, we live somehow. we learn what doesn't kill us makes us stronger] // family (mother mother) [a motley crew, a rodeo. a goddamn zoo, a circus show. but oh don't you know how it goes, we are all walking each other home] // the story of tonight (hamilton) [raise a glass to freedom, something they can never take away - no matter what they tell you. raise a glass to the four of us, tomorrow there’ll be more of us - telling the story of tonight.]

[xthelastofus]

Chapter Nine - Sun is Coming Up

Balo honestly was thankful Ches had decided to stay with them, as the seasons changed and summer became fall. She wasn’t laying down and giving up after Jonah and Effie’s deaths, which impressed her more and more each day. Ches had kept a few of Effie’s and Jonah’s belongings, the necklace around Ches’s neck had been Effie’s, the flannel she was wearing now was Jonah’s.

Balo admired her strength, there was no doubt about that.

“What’s that?” Balo asks Ches, pointing to the thing in front of them. Ches shakes her head, clearly not sure what it is either.

“I don’t know, but that’s a lot of water being blocked off.” She admits, turning to Ivan. “Handsome, do you know what it is?”

“It’s a hydroelectric dam.” Ivan tells them, “it turns water into electricity, doll.”

Balo turns to Anthony, “you’ve been awfully quiet today.” She whispers to him, Anthony shrugs, and she frowns. “If you want to talk about it, or make out a bit or something, I’m here.” She promises. She always would be, she loved Anthony at this point, not that she’d admit it. The sex they had been having since that night in the radio tower meant nothing to him.

But it meant the world to her.

“I know.” He tells her, walking a little quicker. Ches steps back in line with Balo, raising an eyebrow.

“He seems off today.” Ches whispers, “You hurt him too much last night or something?” She questions, and Balo shakes her head.

“I don’t think so? Should I apologize?” She frets, Ches shakes her head no quickly.

“I wouldn’t. If you didn’t, it’d be awkward.” Ches says, “maybe it’s because we’re nearing Alan… they’re cousins, right?” She questions, Balo nods.

“Shouldn’t he be excited to see family?” Balo asks, “I’m excited about potentially seeing Grace again.” She admits.

“It depends, sometimes family separate on bad terms. Just, give him a bit of space, he’ll come to you if he decides he wants to.” Ches says, “Anthony has a lot of walls up, you’re not going to get past them unless he decides he wants you to.”

Balo nods, “I suppose you’re right.” She agrees, “let’s catch up to the boys.”

The two walk up the stairs of the dam’s platform, and Balo notices that the walkway is broke. They were going to have to swim across or find another way. “Think we can make it across?” Balo questions.

“I think I could make it across. You see those wheels on either side, I bet they control those things.” Ches suggests, pointing to the lowered bridge. “If I swim across and we turn those at the same time. I bet we can get across.” She starts to take off her backpack, gently setting it down before taking off her off her flannel and necklace, handing them to Ivan.

“Be careful, doll.” Ivan tells her, and the redhead smiles.

“Aren't I always, handsome?” She asks, jumping into the water before he can answer, swimming across the flowing water with ease and climbing up on the ledge. “You guys ready?” She calls over. Balo makes her way over to the wheel.

“Yeah!” She agrees, and the girls start to turn the wheels, and Balo grins when she hears a click and the bridge looks steady. Ches’s plan actually worked.

Ches walks across, taking her flannel and necklace from Ivan and putting her backpack on. “Thank you handsome. Be careful when crossing guys, it's a little slippery.” She warns them, carefully walking back across. Ivan follows, and Anthony gestures for Balo to go next. She smiles at him, following Ivan and turning around to ensure Anthony is following.

He makes it over a few moments after she does and the four leave the platform, starting to head up the hill. It was starting to become apparent they would have to cut through the power plant if they wanted to reach Jackson City, Alan's last known location.

“We’re going to have to cut through.” Ivan notes, Balo looks around. There was no other way than the way they came to reach Jackson City it looked like. She just hoped it wasn't inhabited.

As Ivan pushes on the door to the plant, however, it becomes apparent it is. “Tell your group to drop your weapons.” A man with an interesting mole pattern orders.  Balo does so quickly, setting it down quickly. Ches do not, however.

“Doll.” Ivan warns, and the redhead hesitantly sets her bow down, glaring at the man.

“You better hope you're lost.” The man tells them, one of the gunmen had vanished, and Balo glances around confused.

“We’re just passing through.” Ivan says, but before the man pointing the gun at them can question why, the gate to the power plant had opened, revealing another man.

“Sam, they're safe.” He tells them. Sam doesn't seem pleased with that answer.

“Do you know them?” Sam asks, and the man points to Anthony.

“That one is my goddamn cousin.” He tells them. “We’ve been dealing with bandit raids the past few days, so, we're all a little on edge.”

“We thought we’d find you in Jackson, Alan.” Anthony tells him.

“Normally, yes, but we're trying to get the plant back running. We have electricity - well, had, but it should be back up soon.” Alan explains with a smile. Sam walks to join them, and Balo turns her attention from Alan to him.

Ches picks up her bow, and Balo follows suit, picking up her gun now she knows no one is going to shoot her. Both weapons are put away, and Sam turns to look at Ches and Balo.

“What brings you out here?” Sam asks, the two girls look to each other, and Balo shakes her head slightly, not wanting to let Sam in on the secret she's immune. She didn't want to open that can of worms quite yet.

“It's kind of a long story.” Ches admits. Sam narrows his eyes at them, and Balo moves a little closer to Anthony on instinct.

“We should head in.” Alan suggests, “it's better not to be in the open too long around here.” He leads the way inside and the group follows inside. “False alarm, they're friendlies.” He yells, closing the gate and barricading it again after everyone is inside.

Balo looks around, wide eyed at the bustle of activity. She hadn't seen an effective settlement since they had left the zone, especially one with a mixture of boys and girls. And from how Alan was talking, this wasn't even the real settlement.

As they go deeper into the plant, Ches stops for a moment, smiling. “You have horses.” She says, turning to Sam. “May I?”

“You may, she likes it when you scratch her ears.” Sam agrees. Ches smiles.

“Hey beautiful. How are you today?” Ches asks as she approaches the horse from the front left. Balo watches curiously as Ches interacts with the animal. It was clear she had experience.

“Do you know how to ride?” Sam asks Ches, who smiles and nods.

“I actually do.” Ches admits, before going back to talking to the horse. Ivan approaches, stopping next to Balo.

“Where did you learn to ride a horse, doll?” He asks, Ches smiles.

“There was this soldier back in my zone, France, he gave me lessons.” Ches admits, “thank you Sam.”

“No problem.” Sam replies before the group heads inside a building.

“You guys hungry?” Alan asks, Balo nods, her stomach rumbling as if on cue. “I'll take that as a yes.”

Before they can find food, however, the walkie talkie on Alan's belt goes off. “We're in the control room, about to start it back up. Do you want to come down?” The voice from the device says. Alan turns to Anthony.

“Do you want to come down with me? Your friend can come too.” He gestures to Ivan and Ches raises an eyebrow.

Ivan looks at her, mouthing something to quick for Balo to catch and Ches nods.

Anthony shrugs, “okay.” He agrees and Alan speaks into the walkie talkie.

“I'll be right down, I'm bringing a couple friends.” He tells the man on the other side and he leads the way. Sam stays, going to find food.

“You two must be hungry.” He tells them as he takes out food from a fridge. Actual fresh fruit and vegetables.

Ches nods, “starving.” She admits, “food supplies are running a little lower than we'd like the last few days. Thank you.”

“No problem, what's your names?” Sam asks and  Balo frowns when she realizes they hadn't told Sam their names,

“I'm so sorry! I'm Balo, and this is Ches. We didn't mean to be rude!” Balo apologizes quickly, fretting. Sam gives her an easy grin.

“It's okay, honest, things have been busy.” Sam dismisses, and Balo tries to force herself to relax now she sees the man isn't mad. Ches rubs her back soothingly and she relaxes after a few minutes of that, smiling at her friend thankfully for the gesture. Sam puts the food down on the table, before going to grab plates.

“I haven't seen one of those since I left New York.” Ches admits when Sam sets the table. “Silverware yes, plates, not so much.”

Sam smiles, “we have some plastic ones we can spare if you want?” He suggests and Ches shakes her head.

“We don't want to intrude too much, but, thank you, Sam. We appreciate it.” She tells him. “Is there anything we can do to help?”

“You two can sit down, you must have had a long journey considering you mentioned New York.” Sam tells them. Ches smiles as he brings a pitcher of water and cups over, sitting down at the table, the two girls join him and the three start to eat.

---

Of course there couldn't be a peaceful lunch, but Balo had to admit, she has enjoyed the part of it that didn't have bandits breaking in. Sam seemed cool, there was no doubt about that.

But right now? Well, there were bandits swarming in. Lots of them. Balo shoots one coming towards Ches and Ches smiles at her as she turns around to shoot another one.

“There's a lot of bandits today.” Sam notes, shaking his head. “I wonder when they're going to learn.”

“These one do seem not to get the memo.” Ches agrees, switching to her gun.  They keep shooting bandits for awhile, until they hear gunshots on the other side of the door. Balo turns around as the door opens, smiling when she sees who it is.

“Hi Ivan! Hi Anthony!” She greets her boys. Alan walks to Sam, checking him over quickly.

“You okay, Sammy?” Alan asks, Sam nods.

“Just a couple bandits, nothing we couldn't handle, Alan.” Sam assures him, Alan kisses his forehead and Balo smiles. They were a couple, that explained a lot.

Anthony walks up behind her, leaning to whisper in her ear. “You want to sneak off for a few minutes?” He asks, and Balo nods.

“I want to show B the plant now it's working again.” Anthony announces after he pulls away, Ivan gives Anthony a look and Balo grins.

“It was my idea.” She assures Ivan, he still doesn't seem pleased, as if he knew what they were doing. He probably did, Ches knew. As long as the man who had quickly became like an older brother to her didn't hurt Anthony, however, it would be okay.

At least, she hoped it would be okay. --

Balo rather liked tracing the scratches on Anthony’s back, it was always nice, to admire her handiwork - and to add more. Anthony was working on giving her a hickey, right under where her shirt would normally be.

Of course, Balo wasn't exactly expecting anyone to walk in.

“Anthony, can we talk- shit!” Alan looks away upon realizing what they're in the process of doing, and Balo moans as Anthony gets a little rougher with her, her nails digging in deeper in the process.

“Don't like the view, Alan?” Anthony teases as his lips pull away from the hickey he had made.  Balo scratches down Anthony's back, trying to pull him closer as she does so.

“We’ll talk later.” Alan says, leaving quickly and Balo pulls Anthony in for a kiss, continuing to do what they were doing.

--

After they get back dressed, the two head back to join up with Sam, Alan, Ches, and Ivan. Ivan gives Anthony a look, and Balo can't help but sense that Alan told what he had walked in on.

That could cause problems.

“Alan told us where the Fireflies base is.” Ivan tells them. “He offered to lend us two horses to get there too.”

“Thank you!” Balo says, smiling at Alan. “Thank you so much.”

Ches shakes her head slightly, it's brief, but Balo catches on to it. Something was wrong. She could sense it from how Ches was postured. The question was, what was going on?

Alan turns to Anthony. “Anthony, you and your friends are welcome to stay here if you'd like. Ivan and Ches already denied my offer for the moment, but, if you want to stay here, you can.”

Balo turns to look at Anthony, fear coursing through her veins. She didn't want Anthony to leave, she loved him. But this was his family, he'd probably be happier here. So, she bites back the urge to ask him to stay, just turning and walking out of the room.

It was better this way, she told herself, he’d be happier here. She walks over to the nearest horse, talking to them about them being beautiful before she pets it.

“B!” She hears a voice call for her, and she frowns when she realizes who's voice it is. She didn't want to hear Anthony say goodbye yet. But he comes over upon seeing her anyway, “there you are. You scared Ches when you just left.”

“Did she send you?” Balo questions, turning to look at him. He shakes his head no.

“B, what's wrong?” He asks, and Balo eyes widen. Why would he ask that?

“There's nothing wrong. Don't worry! Honest!” She lies, and from the look he gives her, she has a feeling he knows she's lying. “You don't want to hear this.” She warns him.

“Try me.” He challenges, and Balo takes a deep breath, preparing herself for rejection as looks down at her feet.

“I don't want you to stay here. I want you to come with us, but, Alan's your family… it'd be selfish to ask you to come.” She admits, “but, I don't want to lose you, and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything,” he tilts her chin up, smiling at her, a genuine smile for the first time since she met him.

“Good thing I told Alan no, hmm?” Anthony tells her, and she blinks.

“You're not staying here?” She questions, there was no way he was leaving with them. He was with family, but Anthony nods.

“I'm coming with you. You're not getting rid of me that easily.” He tells her and she hugs him tight. He freezes for a moment, but then his arms wrap around her, and Balo thanks her lucky stars for this moment.

The man she loved was hugging her, it was a good moment indeed.

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

musical asks: 😬, 🕯️, ⌛

😬 A song that is a guilty pleasure of my muse’s

Zander doesn’t believe in guilty pleasures, you either like something or you don’t. However, he doesn’t want to admit how amusing he actually finds a certain prank Balo and Ches play on everyone. 

🕯️ A song that my muse listens to when they need to calm down

Glass Slipper by Katherine McNamara

There's a little spark There's a little light I know it's in your heart I see it in your eyes Yeah, you're so young Got your whole life ahead But you won't go nowhere lying in your bed And everyone around you knows Everything you touch is gold No telling what your future holds You can go anywhere you want to go

⌛ A song that reminds my muse of a time in their life they would rather forget

What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though Going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay But that's not what gets me

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

musical asks: 🏎️, 🔙, 🧒🏽

🏎️ my muse loves to drive to

Waving Through a Window - Dear Even Hansen (because it means he’s driving around with his friends - mostly noticeably Ches or Collen) 

On the outside, always looking in Will I ever be more than I've always been? 'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass I'm waving through a window I try to speak, but nobody can hear So I wait around for an answer to appear While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass I'm waving through a window, oh Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?

🔙 my muse listens to when they’re feeling nostalgic

If You’re Going Through Hell (Before The Devil Even Knows) - Rodney Atkins

I've been deep down in that darkness I've been down to my last match Felt a hundred different demons breathin' fire down my back And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap That they were layin', yeah But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet The one's that you've been draggin' for so long You're on your knees you might as well be prayin' Guess what I'm sayin'

🧒🏽 my muse loved as a child/teenager

Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy - Big & Rich

Cause I saddle up my horse And I ride into the city I make a lot of noise Cause the girls They are so pretty Riding up and down Broadway On my old stud Leroy And the girls say Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

Self Para 002: Cry Me a River TWs: Alcohol, Alcoholism, Alcohol Abuse, GRAPHIC Suicidal Ideation, HIV, Zander is a dick Word Count: 3,247 Setting: From immediately following the Thanksgiving Picnic until after the event has been concluded on Luxor’s Blenheim, New Zealand campus. Notes: If you have NOT looked at the posters previously posted onto this blog, you need to look at those first and then come back to this. Zander’s text thread from the event with Elliot also gets explained in this, as that was going on in the middle of all this crap. Sorry I had to complicate the Luxor Extended Universe this time, folks.

Once the initial shock wore off, the rage settled in. Zander was pacing around his common room, whipping his head to glare at whoever was stupid enough to open the door to the room. Now wasn’t time. He didn’t want to talk. But when he realizes it’s Ches he pauses, “what do you want?”

“To figure out what the fuck is going on with you. You’ve been grouchy all afternoon, more so than normal.” Her movements are cautious as she turns to close the door behind her and slowly walks into the room. “Is it because I made you talk to your brother? Because I swear I was only trying to help.” He had barely remembered she’d done that, it felt like a lifetime ago, but it’d only been a little over a day. Two?

He takes a deep breath, opening his arms to her as he speaks. “I’m not mad at you.” But she doesn’t come to him, and instead opts to settle herself onto his couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. “I swear it’s got nothing to do with you, stop giving me that look.”

“I’m not giving you a look! I just feel like shit, and maybe fixing your problems will fix me. Okay?” She snaps back at him, and usually he’d pause and try to figure out why she felt so broken, try to take on whatever she was upset about. But, tonight he had bigger priorities and he sat down next to her on the couch, patting her knee a bit awkwardly before he just comes out and says it.

“I found out who gave Balo HIV.”

He wasn’t expecting how defeated his tone would be at the confession, but it made sense. And for a minute he watched Ches try to figure out who it could be. “So it was your dad?” She guesses, after a few moments. Wouldn't that be the better alternative?

He thinks back to his conversation with Claire, the way he’d tried to defend Jack. How he actually hadn’t wanted it to be Jack, for once in his life. After all, why wouldn’t he tell them? He claimed he cared so much about Balo, and in spite of the fact before this he had been starting to trust him when he said it, now Zander called bullshit on that now more than ever. If he cared about Balo, he would have told her the truth. He would have been there for her, supported her instead of just leaving her alone in the dark terrified. No, Jack didn’t care. He never had about anyone, and he never would.

“Jack. His mother told me-” “His mother is dead, Zan. Jack doesn’t like it when people call Claire his mum.”

“Does it matter what Jack likes? Claire told me he said he gave Balo HIV himself, that he’s been lying about his status the entire fucking time. Who knows what the fuck he’s given to Juliet... you’re probably safe, you’ve been on prep but it’s beyond fucked up, he still won’t tell Balo, and according to Claire he won’t.” He groans, leaning back into the couch. He had no idea what to do, how to handle it. “I’ve never hated him more than I do now.”

The girl beside him starts to move, and he raises an eyebrow at her as she goes into his cupboards trying to find something. “God, we might as well be drinking rubbing alcohol but it’ll do.” She huffs, but she still pops the cork on his cooking wine and brings it over, taking a long chug of it before she offers it to him. She seriously couldn’t expect him to drink that crap, right? But as he looks at the bottle, he reaches out to take it from her, taking a long sip of it himself and making a face as he offers it back. “Don’t tell Elliot I’m doing this.”

“Wouldn't dream of it.” He didn’t see why he’d have any reason to tell, although he doubted Elliot would believe him even if he did. It seemed like assurance enough for the redhead as she takes the bottle back from him and chugs more as she sits down beside him again. Maybe he should be trying to stop her, but he didn’t have a fight with her in him currently. It wasn’t as if he’d win it anyway, he’d tried. She never seemed to cared when someone told her to cut it out. “I don’t know how we’ll get through to Balo, she needs to know.”

“Can you let me get drunk first before we discuss this shit?” She groans. Was her alcohol really more important than Balo? He raises an eyebrow at her as he stares at her, and after a few moments she sets the bottle of wine down next to her. “Nothing sends a message better than revenge? I don’t know, Zan. I can barely handle my own shit lately. If I could put posters up all over the school telling everyone but you, Elli, Sky, and Balo to leave me the fuck alone until after I’m dead, I would.”

“Ches, if you’re not going to help me, go cry to Elliot. I can’t handle your shit right now either.”  Zander reaches over to his cooking wine and steals another sip before he sets it back down. The wine really was awful. Why were they doing this to themselves again?

Still, she reaches out to grab the bottle again, cradling it close to her chest as she gives him a dirty look. “You can have it when I’m done, it’s my turn.” She hisses, “did you talk to Jack about this yet?”

“He doesn’t give a fuck, Ches. I don’t think he’ll ever tell her.” He explains as he reaches out to take the bottle from her. Maybe it wasn’t fair to withhold the fact he hadn’t even tried, but Jack had months to tell. If he could lie straight to everyone’s faces in the aftermath, it was easy to assume he wouldn’t ever care enough to tell the truth. And he knows the look on her face as she continues to hold onto the wine bottle, as if it was the most precious thing in the world, and moves away from him to keep him from taking it. The way the rage sparked up in her eyes, an expression that usually even made him step back in fear. But for once, the intense flash of anger was welcome. He needed it.

“I said it’s mine! I want it!” She snaps, darting out of his grasp with it in the direction of his dining table. “You really want to force him to do something? Take away his choices. And if you want to use his tactics against him, you need to make sure they’re not absolutely pathetic like Windsor’s posters were. I wanted to blow my brains out looking at them. Not like it’s hard to feel that way around here, most days I want to.” There’s something off about her tone, her words, and for a brief moment he questions if he should actually be pushing this currently at all. She clearly wasn’t okay, but neither was Balo and he supposed this once, maybe it’d be okay to be selfish. “You need to go in hard and quick. If you over complicate it, nobody gives a fuck. The more minimal they are, the better. So, you don’t want to aim too low, you don’t want the mob trying to kill you but...”

“I don’t give a fuck about the mob, Ches. He needs to pay for this.” Zander corrects her. Did it matter if people hated them? They were doing the right thing. Nobody else could get hurt like Balo had been if they told. Maybe Juliet would be okay? Sure, she’d hate him, but what Jack has done was inexcusable.

“You should be afraid. Everyone’s going to hate us if we actually do this.” “If they hate us for going after Jack, good riddance. Please, Ches.”

He watches her reaction to his words, the conflict on her face as she considers her options. She takes a long drink, tilting the bottle up high if she was trying to get as much alcohol as she could inside of her at once without choking in the process. “Fine, I’ll help with your fucking revenge scheme if you let me keep the wine.” She growls. He nods in agreement, holding his hands up in a peace offering as he slowly approaches her. After what felt like ages of watching his every move, she finally speaks again, “get your laptop. We have work to do.”

—-

Ches had fallen asleep over an hour ago, in the middle of talking, but by that point her suggestions had been barely coherent anyway. He’d already picked her up and moved her to his bed after finishing the last of the posters. And despite her protests at being woken up in the process, he just propped her up on her side, tucked her in, and waited for her to go back to sleep. Once she had, he went back to the common room to grab his laptop. For the most part his attention had shifted, revenge was well on its way and now he had time to worry about her. Balo might have contributed to it but she hadn’t been what set Ches off. She’d already been spiraling the minute she’d walked in his door. He saw that clearer now more than ever.

He glances away from the girl to take a glance at the test run of posters he’d printed. For a moment, as he reads what they’d written, he hesitates. How hadn’t he noticed they included Balo’s name in a hashtag? Perhaps he’d been too busy trying to translate what seemed to be a mix of French and slurred gibberish to think about it. It’d be easy to fix, he supposed. Simply replacing the hashtag with another resource link like Ches had suggested for each of the posters. But, he didn’t want to. Wouldn't it be better if everyone knew it was Balo who’d be affected? The ray of light everyone had watched get extinguished over the past few months. He hesitates, only a moment longer, before he goes back to his laptop to hit print on the run of them.

He sighs before going back to watching the body in his bed. Hyper focused to make sure her skin wasn’t changing colors, and her breathing hadn’t shifted. God, he really should have stopped her, or at least tried to limit her. He should to tell Elliot, right? If their roles were reversed he’d want to be told. Maybe Ches would be pissed off later, but, he didn’t know what else to do. He’d fucked up, he let her keep the bottle in exchange for her help with these posters. She had every right to be mad at him for it too.

[To Elliot:] Hey, I know you don’t want to talk about Ches with me but I’m really fucking concerned right now. She showed up on my doorstep drunk, and I’ve seen her in pretty rough shape before but this is the worst I’ve ever seen her ever. I’m keeping an eye on her atm but I thought you’d want to know [To Elliot:] Do you want me to bring her to you? She’s out of it but she wakes up if you poke at her. [To Elliot:] I think it’s Leo related? I dunno, she was too busy rambling about wanting to steal you stars to tell me what was wrong before she dozed off 😖

Maybe pinning it on Leo was fucked up too, but, if he had to guess what else was going on, wasn’t that the easiest guess? It was that or Cade. He had seen her step brother stumbling a lot during the picnic, obviously already back to using not even a full week after leaving rehab. Whatever it was, if Elliot wanted to deal with this he’d let him. If not, he’d have to multi-task. As he waits for a response he pulls out the map of the school, trying to think of where the best places to put posters would be on this campus.

The more people who saw them, the better.

After all the parents left Luxor, he’d slip one of them under Jack’s door. Warn him of the storm that was coming under the guise of giving him a chance to amend things just to see what’d happen. As he waits to see if his phone goes off, he reaches over for a sticky note to scrawl a message on.

Figured I should give you a heads up. I did tell Claire that if you wouldn’t tell her, I would. What do you think? Pretty, right?

Perhaps he should make a version of a poster without Ches’s name attached for this. He glances over to the sleeping girl again, no, she definitely wouldn’t be in the state for Jack’s crap tomorrow. The longer he could keep her out of this, the better. Neither of them would have peace in the end, but, at least she could keep hers a tiny bit longer.

—-

[From Chessie ☀️:] I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU [From Chessie ☀️:] ELLIOT DID NOT NEED TO KNOW LIKE THAT [From Chessie ☀️:] WHAT THE FUCK, ALEKZANDER?

Zander had been helping to pack up the book club’s table when her texts came in, and he ignored them momentarily to continue trying to clean up their booth for the fair. Even when his phone goes off again and again, probably berating him about leaving her on read with his receipts on, she needed to wait a few minutes. He was a bit too busy for this, he needed to get this cleaned up quickly so he could sneak the warning under Jack’s door.

[From Chessie ☀️:] You do not just get to leave me on read [From Chessie ☀️:] Did it ever occur to you I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DECIDE WHAT I TELL MY BOYFRIEND [From Chessie ☀️:] I was going to tell him, you had no right [From Chessie ☀️:] I’m so pissed off at you, Zan, I stg. Not cool.

He groans as he reads her messages, this time opting to send back a quick, fast reply in hopes it’d get her out of his hair until he has time for her shit.

[To Ches:] Cleaning up club fair, text you when I’m done. Sorry, didn’t think you’d tell him shit and you scared me [To Ches:] Can you wait to yell at me til you see me later? We need to discuss Jack’s posters.

And as his phone starts to go off again, he puts it on silent and gets back to work. He’d deal with her later. Right now, he had way bigger fish to fry waiting on him. She wasn’t on the priority list, not today.

—-

He should have expected Ches to be waiting for him, but as he enters his room, he still jumps when he sees someone sitting on his bed glaring at him. “I was concerned.” He defends himself, immediately, as he sits down at his desk.

“Why did you lie about it being your wine?”

Was she really going to immediately start in on that? He didn’t see why it was a big deal, he’d been protecting her. Both of them, actually. What did she think would have happened if he told Elliot the truth? He’d spared them both a headache. At least, he thought he had until she started blowing up his phone. “I didn’t want to deal with the lecture while finishing up our posters. Plus, did you want to tell him why?” He moves to hand her one of each poster, and she groans as she reads them. What was wrong? He thought she wanted minimalism.

“We included our names? Fuck. I’m so getting dumped.” She throws herself back onto the bed, tossing it to the side. “At least we’ll both be on Elliot’s shit list. I told him the truth, you know. I’m not about to start lying about what I’m doing, or where I’ve been, to him. I love him, Zan.”

“So you told him about the posters?” That gets his attention. How much had she told? Was she trying to ruin everything they’d worked for? Finally, they were going to be able to get back at Jack for everything he had done. Every time he made their lives hell, and she was willing to throw it away.

But as she starts to answer his question, his concerns dissipate. “Of course not. I was hoping to stay unassociated with this shit, I didn’t tell him about Balo either before you get on my ass about that too. Can’t we just reprint them without our names to avoid the attention?”

“No. They’re staying as is.” “And Jack still hasn’t told her?” “He’s not going to tell her, Ches.”

“Fine.” She sounds so defeated, deflating into a heap on his bed with the word. “I can’t believe you fucking lied to Elliot, so I had to deal with how disappointed he is in me and go directly against what you said.”

“Did he believe you?”

The way she gets up and storms out of the room was more than enough of an answer for him. She was offended, which meant either he hadn’t or that Ches was annoyed he even had to ask. Either way, as much as her being angry usually bothered him, he didn’t have time to care currently. He grabs the keys to his rental car before he takes one last glance at the posters ready to go on his dresser. He needed tape, an abundance of it.

After all, he had a lot of posters to hang later.

—-

They hang the posters the next morning in silence. On occasion, he’d glance over to her to watch how seemingly robotic her motions were, and every time the guilt got to him as soon as he looked. The show had to go on, she knew that better than anyone. But as he hangs the last of his posters, his phone buzzes. He waits until he’s done to read the text message, realizing within seconds she’d sent it out to everyone. “Fuck.”

[From Chessie ☀️:] I’m sorry about the posters around the school today. I don’t want to get into my involvement, because frankly the details don’t fucking matter. The damage has been done, it was taken way too far, and I wish I never helped at all. My intentions don’t matter, nor do the events leading up to it. I fucked up, and I’m sorry. Just, remember if you’re a dick about anyone’s HIV status you’re an even worse person than Jack was in this situation. I expect a lot of you will be angry, rightfully so, but please leave Balo out of this. She had no idea about any of this.

He groans, of course she was going to try to distance herself from this. Anything to keep her precious Elliot on her side, right? He makes a face, quickly sending out his own mass text.

[To All Luxor Students:] If you have an issue with those posters and your name isn’t Balian Grace Driskell, cry me a river. Balo, call me.

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

🙌🏻🙌🏻

INTRODUCING COLLEN NICHOLS Alberto Rosende | Nineteen | Theme Song: Believer - Imagine Dragons | Pinterest

Collen is one of Zander’s best friends and his former roommate. I actually headcanon these two were roommates from Freshman year up until the start of senior year when Collen had to leave (because ya girl can only have three muses, he had to go), and they’re really close. Although for anyone who knows the two this could be a surprise, because they’re a bit of an opposites attract duo. Collen is extremely outgoing, a massive goofball, and he actually knows how to dance and have fun. He’s Jewish, the son of two immigrants, and a massive nerd. He has a cat named Gwen Stacey, who is spoiled af. Collen is also the other half of the Elswood and Nichols Show (Ches’s joint DIY) channel, on top of being the frontman of a small band called Collen and the Winter Panda, who’ll be going on their first tour this winter if their bassist does well in rehab. He’s very do no evil, but take no shit, and honestly at times he really does foil Zander. If he ever came to visit, you probably are not gonna get the bromance apart because they’re still really close and they still talk every day, and Collen gets video called into family movie night.

Which I mean, given he’s Lucy’s ex... well, that’s a whole other thing.

INTRODUCING FAY BLACK Martha Hunt | Twenty | Fay’s a minor character she doesn’t have theme/pinterest

Fay is Zander’s older sister’s girlfriend, who Grace is especially extra careful to keep the family from finding out about after everything with Balo. He doesn’t know her very well, but so far he thinks she’s really nice from the few video calls they’ve been in together, and he’s still really honored that he was the first one Grace came out to. He helps cover for them to the best of his ability, of course, and he’s glad to see Grace so happy, but he’s extremely worried about their parents finding out so he doesn’t follow her on anything - even if it hurts the girl’s feelings. He can’t risk being associated with her when he’s not associated with any of Grace���s other friends in LA.

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

zanderdriskell posted to his Instagram Story. (10/31/2020) // @ofnichols

Image Text:

1. #throwback  (Emmett Elswood (emmettelswood) and Collen Nichols (collennotthepanda)’s Instagrams are tagged) 2. #StressRelief

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

Self Para 001: If I Could Grant You Peace Of Mind

TWs: HIV, Self-Harm, Drugs (Heroin & Cocaine - not done but mentioned briefly), Eating Disorders (Balo’s intervention is mentioned), Abuse

Word Count:  2,716

Setting: Luxor’s Orleans, France Campus. Monday, September 21st, 2020. Early morning (about 1am - 4am-ish).

Everything going on with Balo was a mess, and no matter what anyone said, Zander still couldn’t fail to see how it wasn’t his fault. Wasn’t that supposed to be his job? Protecting her. It was the only thing he needed to be good at, and he failed at it. She’d be fine if Ivan was here; he’d always been better at taking care of her. It was a thought that grew more and more persistent as the days went by. He’d have never let her in a situation that resulted in something like this. If he’s been the biological son, Balo would be okay.  

And right now, she was far from being okay. Her behavior had become concerning since movie night, and he wasn’t sure if he should ask Ivan for help. He’d been entirely unhelpful the last time he’d reached out concerned about their sister. Maybe if Zander could just-

“You’re actually starting to turn a little blue, holy shit.” Ches’s voice interrupts him from his thoughts. When did she get back? He doesn’t fight as she wraps a blanket around his shoulders and settles in next to him, glancing over to her as she rests her head on his shoulder. “Did you really miss me this much? Oh, my sweet baby boy, whatever will I do with you?”

While the nickname was always affectionate, the lack of teasing in her voice sends his thoughts for another loop. Usually, she used it to pick on him. Did she think he was overreacting?

“Welcome home, I didn’t realize you were back yet.” Although he supposed it made sense, she hadn’t taken time off of school for the funeral. She probably wouldn’t have gotten it excused given the situation.

“Well, it’d be kinda hard to attend classes from Virginia. But enough about me. How are you doing? Other than trying to get hypothermia, of course.” He wants to groan that he would not get hypothermia, that it wasn’t that cold, and her dramatics weren’t helpful. But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t appreciate just how normal it was.

He’d missed normalcy.

“Well, I’m stuck with Jack, my parents disowned Balo, and she’s really scaring me. Nothing’s changed over the span of a weekend. You know how I feel.” It wasn’t the same as the last several times she had poked her head in, though. He’d had a lot more time to think since he’d last saw her.

“Is it the HIV or her mental health?”

Zander quickly tries to sort through their conversations in their mind. Had he let Balo’s diagnosis slip? But he’s yanked from his thoughts as the redhead beside him lifts her head and steals the corner of his blanket to wrap around herself. “You’re cold?”

“I’m still daydreaming about the 17° weather in Virginia, I know 6° isn’t bad, but yeah, I’m cold.” It takes him a few seconds to realize she’s on about Celsius, and he just lifts his arm to let sneak right in under it. “You didn’t answer my question, Zan. Is it her HIV diagnosis or her mental health scaring you?”

“You should really lower your voice; someone is going to overhear you if you don’t start whispering. Balo doesn’t want the entire school to know...”

“The only people awake at 1 am in this school are the insomniacs who are holed up in their rooms and the coke addicts who are way too busy snorting it off of Axel’s dick to care about what you and I are doing outside. Nobody is eavesdropping, and if they were, the rumors would be bullshit like ‘Ches and Zander are entirely too close, I caught them cuddling - they must be fucking.’ We go to school with shallow people who only care about themselves, remember? Nobody cares what we’re doing.” Ches rolls her eyes, “But, seriously I’m gonna keep asking you to tell me what’s on your mind. I know that look, something’s wrong. Please talk to me.”

“Oh, come on, nobody would buy that shit.” Zander knew it wasn’t the point, that he was just grasping at the little outs she was accidentally leaving in her words. “Even Jack would know to laugh that one out of the room.”

“Alekzander, please.”

“Do you nag everyone who doesn’t want to talk, or am I just special? I’m fine. I can handle what’s going on with Balo. I don’t need you mothering me, Hailey.” Still, when the redhead pulls away from him, it takes everything in his power to keep himself from reaching out to pull her back in. Was she mad at him? She didn’t seem angry, although the sudden removal of her body heat wasn’t a good sign.

Before he can start thinking of the words to amend the situation, Ches is standing up. “You’re right, I’m sorry. If you need me, I’ve got to do some studying in the library. Try to get some sleep at some point, the bags under your eyes are really starting to reduce you down to a solid 8.”

She leaves him the blanket when she walks away, and as he tugs it around tighter himself, he’s not sure if it’s a good thing. It was going to continually remind him he needed to take care of himself, that he was sitting outside in the middle of the night alone because he managed to scare off the one person who always seemed to notice he wasn’t okay.

Ivan probably wouldn’t have run Ches off, and Balo wouldn’t be in nearly as bad shape as she was if he was here. For a brief second, Zander reaches for his phone to text the man, but he pauses, stopping himself. He had enough on his plate with Balo without Zander contributing to it. So instead, he settles himself in, allowing himself to get lost in his thoughts.

—

Chessie ☀️:  I’m still in the library. Don’t wake the guy at the desk, though; the poor thing just fell asleep. 😕

Zander’s hands are shaking as he reads the text through tears, already heading in the direction of the library. He tries to be quiet as he enters the room, passing the snoring man at the desk as he tries to find Ches. She always chose the back right corner when they were in Lake George, and sure enough, she was quietly pouring over her textbooks with a flashlight when he rounded the corner.

“No wine? Who are you, and what did you do with my Ches?” He cringes at the effect his tears had on his voice. It was bad enough that he was crying without his body making it evident to everyone around him he was trembling even if they weren’t looking.

“I’m testing the waters, thinking about cutting the wine out. A bit more productive, don’t you think?” For a moment, he thinks she might make a comment about the state he’s in, but she just pats the seat next to her as she shuts her textbooks. He’s silent as he sits down; the only sounds filling the room is the chronic snoring from the library’s front and his chair as it grazes across the floor. “But you’re not here for the wine.”

“I’m not.” He confirms, taking a deep breath as he finally removes the blanket she’d left him two hours prior and sets it on the table. “I came to talk if that’s okay.” No matter how many times he’d found himself at her door when he didn’t want to be alone, he still couldn’t suppress the concern that maybe this was going to be the time she turned him away. But she just nods, setting her flashlight onto the table.

“The floor is yours.”

“My parents disowned Balo, and I’ve never seen her like this. She’s always been so bright and cheerful and right now...  Chessie, she gave me her sewing kit because she doesn’t trust herself not to misuse her rotary blade. And these things aren’t sudden; how much has been building up that I’ve missed? She won’t really talk to me, and given everything going on with Jack again, I’m pretty sure she’s not talking to anyone. It’s not like she’ll tell our brother. She was upset with me when I talked to him about Jack because I could have worried him.” He explains, “and that’s only the start of it- okay, what’s with the face?”

There was something about Ches’s pensive expression in the lowlight that distracted him, the way she pursed her lips as she listened to him talk. “I was just thinking that I’ve never heard you call Ivan your brother before. Balo’s brother, asshole, my parents disowned him, Ches you’re not allowed to follow him on Instagram to thirst over him that’s weird. Please carry on, I’m listening.”

“Don’t get used to it, I’m not making it a habit.” Still, Zander’s tears slow as a small chuckle briefly escapes from his body. “I can’t stop thinking that if he was here, Balo would be fine. Whatever caused this wouldn’t have happened. I just wish she’d tell me how this happened...”

“She doesn’t know, Zan. I know Jack’s clean, we were fucking - he’d have mentioned it if he wasn’t. Barton would have told her, she hasn’t been anywhere near the Keller boy in a year, and we’d know if she was doing heroin. I thought maybe that night when we took her to the ER, there were hours we can’t account for, but... if your parents disowned her.”

“I wouldn’t write off my father yet.” Zander hadn’t even considered him as a suspect, but he wouldn’t put it past the man to cover his track for the sake of appearances. Maybe there’d been blood on blood contact during the struggle? Balo had a pretty nasty gash on her forehead, and he had avoided his father afterward. “Or medical malpractice, for that matter. It’s happened with healthcare workers before, right? Fuck, Ivan really would have been able to stop this.”

“Zander, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t give Balo HIV, and your brother couldn’t have done more than you did. I know it’s hard, but this isn’t because of anything you did. You couldn’t have stopped this, just like I couldn’t have stopped my maman’s murder, and Fane couldn’t have prevented his parents’ car accident.” Ches’s nose doesn’t crinkle as she speaks; the telltale signs of her being dishonest were nowhere to be seen. Which likely meant she thought she was telling the truth, and while he didn’t believe her, his guilt could wait.

It was the least important thing going on; he knew that.

“I was a dick to Elliot.” He knows the words are sudden. That may be at the moment telling her he’d been mean to her boyfriend would rapidly make the situation worse.

Her green eyes blink, her head tilts to the slide slightly, almost like a puppy’s as she processes his words. Had Elliot not told her anything? “Why would you be a dick to Elli? Fuck. Que vais-je faire de vous?”

“Yell at me? Look, I know I shouldn’t have been so hard on your boyfriend. But he breathed near me and-”

“He breathed near you?” The concern in her voice makes Zander feel even worse than he would have if she’d just yelled at him. “That’s not like you. When did this happen?”

“Before movie night, after we got here.”

“After you learned about Balo.” For a brief moment, the snoring stops, and the panic on Ches’s expression leaves him questioning if they’re allowed to be in the corner they were occupying as they wait. Soon enough, the snoring resumes, and she speaks again, “I’m not mad at you. I want you to get along with him, and I expect you to apologize, but you’re not scaring me off that easily. We left off at you feeling inferior to your brother, please continue.”

“I don’t feel like I’m inferior to Ivan.” He protests, although as he tries to think of examples of how she was entirely off base, he realizes she might have a point. “But I can’t stop running through what if’s. What if he’d be able to stop it? What if he’d know how to help Balo right now? I didn’t ask him for help with her intervention and look at how well that went. She resents me for it now. What if I fuck this up, and she gets hurt because of it?”

“That’s not going to happen because you have me, you have Lucy and Avery, and as much as you hate it - we have Jack and Cait. They’d never let anything happen to her; if she tries something, one of us will grab her. She went to you about her sewing kit. Do you have it?” He nods yes in response to her question, and the girl in front of him relaxes, “from experience, people don’t ask for help unless they want to be stopped. Her coming to you was a good sign.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I was right about your inferiority complex and that you were stressing Balo’s mental health.”

“I hate you so much sometimes, you know that.” And yet he can’t help the fond smile as he says the words, the way the tension in his shoulders eases when she smiles back at him.

“I know. I’m just the worst sometimes, aren’t I?” She winks at him, “so what’s next on the list? If it’s money, you know she’s got two sugar mommies already, and I’m pretty sure we could convince Jack to be a sugar daddy if we can’t pull enough funds together to take care of her.”

“Two?”

“Barton? Carnifex families are loaded, I have no doubt in my mind if there’re issues affording her medication abroad if I can’t cover it completely, she’d lend me the money temporarily for B.” Ches shrugs, “so that should also ease the healthcare concerns. Correct? There’s no way in hell we’re not going to be able to manage this. She’s been taking her meds, and as long as they’re working medications have gotten to the point she’ll probably outlive you by a couple decades still.”

And as much as Zander hated the thought of asking anyone for money, the thought that maybe people would be willing to help if it became an issue was reassuring. “And here I thought you said you weren’t taking mind reading classes.”

“You’re just predictable. The day you aren’t stressing about money, we’re going to see pigs fly, and lotus storms consume the earth.” Ches jokes, “did we happen to cover everything? Wait, we haven’t discussed Jack being in your classes yet. Shit, maybe we needed the wine...”

“We don’t need wine. There’s not that much to say, he’s annoying, we’re getting stuck together, and I’m just going to have to deal with it.” He shrugs, “probably the most normal thing going on in our lives, come to think of it.”

“You ever realize it’s a bit fucked up Jackaboy acting up is considered normal at this school. I’m not complaining but...”

“If you ever tell him I actually appreciate him being Balo’s pet demon right now, I’ll never talk to you again.” He warns her. Jack would never let him live it down, and he was well aware it was fucked up. But Ches just smiles, shaking her head.

“Your secret’s safe with me. So, what else do you want to discuss?”

He thinks about it for a minute. Was there anything else he felt like he needed to get off his chest? There were the things he couldn’t find the words to say and the things that weren’t worth the effort left, but he couldn’t think of anything he needed to talk to her about. “What were you working on before I interrupted?”

“Well, you see...” Ches starts to open her textbook again as she starts to ramble about what she was working on, and he listens as she gushes eagerly. He doesn’t even realize just how tired he was until his eyes become too heavy to keep open. The last thing he notices before he falls asleep is a blanket being tucked around him as she continues to explain her literature homework.

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

2, 28, 40

What is their favorite piece of technology?

Answered Already!

What is the most common lie your muse tells themselves?

“I’m content with how my life currently is.”

Has your muse ever been to a concert?

Mumford & Sons with Ches, Cade, and Collen once. He’s kinda like “never again” because he spent more time babysitting then enjoying the show ‘cause someone convinced someone else to join him shooting heroin in the bathroom. Couldn’t imagine who. (Cade convinced Ches lol)

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

45, 48, 50

What is your muse’s Hogwarts house?

Zander’s a Ravenclaw!

Who would your muse sacrifice themselves for, if anybody?

His sister, Balo, without hesitation. I mean his entire life has been putting her first, making sure she’d be okay, keeping her out of trouble. So he’s used to doing it, just not in the dying way.

If your muse could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?

His father.

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

Would you sleep with your best friend?

“Nah, I mean not that Collen’s not hot and all, but, family night’s already weird enough sometimes with him and Lucy. Could you imagine if I fucked him too?” ( @luciellebp​ )

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

Would you ever put someone (who isn't your family) before yourself? If so, who?

“I dug through trash to find keys for Ches once, and there’s another person or two like Kenzie I’d put before myself as well.”

@reellykenzie

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

Self Para 003: Bring All That You're Scared To Defend TWs: Mental Health (and discussions involving BPD. Ches and Zander both discuss things like how chronic emptiness feels, among other things, but it’s sort of in a more clinical “trying to explain” esc way), Violence (metaphorical / mentioned in discussions), suffocation (metaphorical, in a brief inter-thought context) Word Count: 3,203 Setting: Zander’s room, after game night (and then the cafeteria in the second scene) Notes: It’s about fucking time, Alekzander. If anyone needs me to tag further, let me know and I will immediately!

Maybe it was weird for Zander to wait around near Elliot and Chris’s room for Ches to come out, but he needed to talk to her desperately. She was the only person who seemed to understand him when he was like this, the only one who knew how to help him when he couldn’t even begin to figure out how to sort his thoughts and feelings. He knew Elliot hated him, he knew that neither of them had any reason to trust him at this point, but he needed Ches.

It was almost like she was oxygen, she kept him alive, and right now if he didn’t get a breath of air soon he was going to suffocate to death.

He can’t help the way his head shoots up when he hears the door open and the click of her heels on the hallway floor. “Ches, we need to talk.” He says immediately, and there’s something almost like a deer in a headlight. For a moment, he’s not sure how she’ll react, but after the initial surprise seems to fade, concern crosses her features. As if she knew how close to going off the rails he was at the moment.

“Come on, let’s go to your room,” Ches suggests, not giving him much time to answer before she starts heading in that direction, and he follows. She wasn’t wrong, he didn’t want to do this in the hall. Honestly, he wasn’t sure he wanted to do this at all, but he couldn’t stop thinking about game night. The way he’d reacted when someone even suggested there was a possibility that Ches could ever be the answer to a riddle, the way it’d immediately set the tone to him being against Gemma the rest of the night. The girl being devalued right before his eyes for simply implying that there was even the slightest possibility that someone could even consider that Ches was capable of messing with the plane. The way it’d set him off the rest of the night.

Zander had asked Elliot to ask his father about borderline personality disorder to try to help him with Ches, but the more he’d stewed over the answer, the more he was starting to question if he needed the answer about the favorite person for himself. She holds her hand out for his room key once they reach his dorm and he hands it to her without hesitation. It doesn’t matter if it’s nearly as messy as his mind is at the moment, just like the swirling hurricane of thoughts, he wanted her there as he waited for the eye of the storm to finally approach.

She carefully walks around the legos scattered across the floor, approaching his bed which she sits on the edge of, crossing her legs as he sits beside her. How was he even supposed to start this conversation? Was there a right way to approach it? “I’m glad you came to me if we need to talk.” She says after a few moments of silence. “I’m sorry I asked Elliot to move in with me in front of you.”

Wait, was that what she thought this was about?

“It’s fine.” Actually, it had bothered him. The circle reappearing afterward was actually a relief but it was irrational to be bothered. Elliot had said it best all those months ago, Ches didn’t belong to anyone. He couldn’t control whether or not she moved in with Elliot, and there were certainly worse people she could be shacking up with. “I actually wanted to talk to you about therapy.”

“Therapy?”

“I think something’s wrong with me.” It was hard to confess. “The way I react when it comes to you, my temper, how I feel all the time... this isn’t normal.” Despite the fact he was saying something was wrong, he still couldn’t bring himself to get into everything. Saying he had a problem was bad enough, the thought of going any more in-depth with Ches terrified him this time. But as always, he trusted her to make everything make sense. “How did you know you have BPD?”

It was as if the more he talked, the more concern he noticed on the girl’s expression, an uneasy feeling taking the forefront as he watched the way her face shifts, those green eyes feeling uncomfortable set on him. “It’s complicated?” She says after a few moments as if she’s not exactly quite certain how she knew. “My therapist brought it up to me, and the more I learned about it, the more I realized that he was right. The childhood PTSD diagnosis still stuck but... it was never one of those moments when I woke up and knew something was wrong. I know now, and I look back and I’m aware just how off everything was but...” She reaches out to briefly squeeze his hand, trying to give him a bit of comfort, as if it was clear to her that he needed it at the moment. “If you think there’s something wrong, and you want to see a therapist and figure out what it is, I will support you every step of the way, okay? I know it’s hard to admit that you feel like there’s a problem sometimes.”

She was trying, he knew she was but he can’t help the wave of frustration he feels when it’s apparent she doesn’t completely understand why he’s bringing it up, why he’s asking. “I think I might have it, and I wanted to know if you thought maybe... I don’t want to go to a therapist if it's going to be a waste of time and money.”

“No matter what you end up being diagnosed with, if anything, it’s not going to be a waste of time or money. I think you’d benefit from DBT.” Ches corrects him, without an ounce of hesitation. “I’m not a doctor, I can’t diagnose anyone but we can kind of run through the criteria if you’d like. See if you meet it, if it’d make you feel any better.” She was trying, he knew she was, and despite the fact he wished she’d just give him the answers, he was being irrationally irritated with her for not being able to just give him one glance and tell him yes or not. He knew it wasn’t rational.

“That’d help.” He tells her, at least it’d be better than walking out empty-handed.

“You need to meet at least five of the seven criteria. Chronic feelings of emptiness.” She pulls out her phone as if she needs to double-check the rest of them. “Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment” She glances up at him, considering it for a moment before she continues. “Identity disturbance with unstable self-image or sense of self. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, but not including self-harm or suicidal impulses.” It’s then she stops as if she’s wary to say what the next item on the list was.

“Ches?”

“Inappropriate, intense anger.” Well, that was why Ches hadn’t wanted to continue. They both were more than aware he dealt with that. “A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation. Recurrent suicidal or self-harming behavior. And, last but not least, stress-related paranoid ideation or dissociative symptoms.” She puts her phone away now she’s done explaining. “Suppose we should start with chronic feelings of emptiness and work our way down. Is this something you’ve noticed?”

What did that even mean? “Is it like constantly feeling numb?”

“Sometimes. I feel like there’s a gaping hole in my chest when it comes up, hollow. There’s something missing, and-”

“It’s like you’re nothing more than a husk, just going through the motions because it’s what you have to do.” Zander finishes, and maybe he should feel guilty for interrupting. But, there’s something about the way that she looks at him that makes him continue. “There's nothing left inside, and you know it’s wrong, but you don’t know how to fill it so you try to pick a fight because a punch to the face, anger, is better than nothing at all, and you keep trying to fill it no matter what it takes until it’s gone again.”

“I think this counts as a yes.” Ches admits, “but I’m not a doctor. I only know how I feel when it comes up, I don’t know what they’ll consider...” but she was trying, which he supposed was the most he could ask for. “Emotionally instability in reaction to day to day events.” The way she says the words make him think she already has an answer in mind, but she doesn’t say anything more; instead, waiting to see what he’d say.

“Yes.”

“Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment?” The fact Ches doesn’t even hesitate or asks him to explain further only confirms what he thought. She did already have an answer in mind, and it wasn’t even the nice one.

“You don’t want to discuss the last one further?” He grumbles, but wasn’t he only proving her point by getting offended? Fuck. “I hate you, you know that, right?” There's no heat behind his words though, just affection.

“I know, I’m the worst, aren’t I? Whatever are you going to do with me?” Ches smiles for a brief moment at the familiar back and forth. “But you asked me to help, and I need you to answer these for me, okay?”

“I don’t know. I tried to scare off Elliot?” And that was a fairly big part of why he’d disliked Elliot, the fact Ches seemed to lean on him more and more despite the fact he hadn’t seemed like he was even worth the dirt on her shoes, let alone her time. At this point, he was starting to realize he’d been overly harsh on Elliot, but he’d be honest and confess he had gone pretty far in his attempts to keep Ches from leaving and to get rid of Jack to keep Balo from leaving, and he’s not even sure what Ches was saying, but he interrupts whatever the ramble is. “Fuck, yes.

The annoyance that had appeared on her features as he thought about things is replaced with sympathy as she reaches out to squeeze his hand again. “I get it.” She reassures him as if that’d make things any better. He shifts awkwardly, pulling his hand away as the guilt starts to eat at him. He really had tried to run Elliot off just because he didn’t like the idea of having to share her attention, even if she seemed way happier with Elliot than he could remember her being.

“Can we just move onto the next one?” Zander suggests, hoping to move on from Ches being understanding. How many more symptoms were left?

“How’s your self-image?” “Can we come back to this one?”

He didn’t want to discuss this, least of all with Ches. Some things were better kept to himself, and he can’t help but relax when she nods in agreement. “Sure, we can come back to it.” She agrees, “so, impulsive, self-destructive, behavior. God, maybe I should be asking Elliot if his dad could... fuck.”

Zander can’t help but roll his eyes at that. Elliot didn’t even think his dad was a good therapist, and even if he was, he doubted this would go well with anyone but Ches. Mr. Mills didn’t need Zander ripping his head off for asking hard questions, and he was growing more and more agitated already. “You’re doing fine.” He dismisses. “Just Google the definition of this one? I’m not sure what is even counted.”

Ches sighs, but she pulls out his phone and hopefully looks it up, rather than texting Elliot. Maybe he should have googled it himself so she couldn’t go against his wishes on this, but, after a couple of minutes, she sighs. “Oversharing, getting angry to the extent you do, jumping to conclusions, I could go on but...” She hands him her phone, and as he reads it, he realizes she’s right.

“I regret coming to talk to you.” He grumbles as he gives her back her phone. He wasn’t sure what answer he wanted, but it certainly wasn’t this. She was only confirming his growing concern that something was wrong, that he needed to get help, that he needed to address everything that’d happen and try to work through it. “The next one was intense anger, right? Yes. Can we get this over with?”

“Intense and unstable relationships, um, I might need to explain this. It’s-”

“No, I know about this. I had Elliot ask his dad for me, and it’s a yes.” Maybe it was harsh to shut her down, but he didn’t want to get into this with her. It didn’t matter how important Ches was to him, there was no way he could explain the cycle he’d fallen into when it came to her. How he viewed her, how he responded to those thoughts, and he sighs. “What was the criteria, Ches?”

“It doesn’t mean anything, I’m not a therapist, I can’t...” Ches starts to remind him, and that’s when he realizes that he must have met it. Fuck. “Even if you start therapy now, they probably won’t diagnose you for a while. But I think you should talk to a professional. I love you, but, if we’re discussing this... fuck.” She sighs, playing with a strand of her red hair as she rambles. “Promise me, Alekzander.”

There’s something about the way she says it that he doesn’t see how it’d be possible to say no, the concern and passion in her voice as she pleads with him to swear he’d go to therapy bother him. And even if he has the urge to flee, he nods. “I’ll go. But, I’m going to have to call my mom. I’m still on Lance’s insurance...”

“I’ll call Uncle Ben and see if we can figure something out if she says no, he likes you..” God, no, he didn’t want Ches getting involved monetarily. She helped him way too much up to this point, and she’d done more than enough.

“I’ll figure it out, come on, I’ll walk you back to Elliot’s.” Zander gets up, heading to the door before she can protest it. “I assume you were just going to grab food before you two get back to it.”

“We don’t make love that much, not that it’s any of your business.” Ches rolls her eyes. “But it’s okay, I can walk myself back. Just, please call your mother.” Did he offend her? He doesn’t have much time to process it before she’s out of his door and he’s standing next to it with his jaw dropped. Okay, that wasn’t a safe subject, and he lets out an annoyed huff as he shuts the door behind her. Why did he have to call his mother? It wasn’t like she’d care anyway.

Still, he pulls out his phone and calls Cassandra. The sooner he got this over with, the better.  

—

It felt uncommon that Ches was alone in the cafeteria, no Balo, no Elliot, no Sora and Minnie. But, Zander immediately takes the opportunity when he notices her. “I called my mom, and I got a list of covered therapists from the insurance company. I have no fucking clue where to go from here.”

Ches blinks, tilting her head slightly as she examines him. “You call and see if they’re accepting new patients, I’m pretty sure. My dad kind of handled that for me.” Well, it was a better plan than he had at least. Surely someone he’d call would have an idea from there. “You should probably try to aim for a female therapist if possible, though.”

“Does gender matter?” Zander was pretty sure Ches had a male therapist and he was positive it hadn’t mattered either way for Balo. Wasn’t it supposed to be based on skill or something? God, maybe he should have asked Elliot how to find a therapist in hindsight. Ches wasn’t exactly the most qualified choice...

“Not usually, but I don’t think a man would be the best choice considering how you react to them. The only men I have seen you not get into a pissing contest with are Collen and Leo, and... I still don’t know how you and Leo have managed to never get into it. You both have a tendency of punching people when you’re self-destructive.” Okay, now that Ches was explaining, he could understand her point about maybe in this case the gender of the therapist could matter. “I think if you try to start this with a man, you’re going to get even more defensive and aggressive than you would with a woman. I mean, you don’t try to fight me usually, but I’m pretty sure you’d go after Elliot, and he’s objectively a way calmer person.”

“Yeah, well he starts it.” “You and I both know that’s not true.” “Fine, but he doesn’t finish it either.”

Ches just shakes her head at his insistence, at him pretty much proving her point much to his own chagrin. Still, he sighs. “Okay, female therapist if possible.” He agrees, “are you sure you should be an English major? I’m just saying psychology suits you. Could be the superior Dr. Mills.”

“Did you just call me a future Dr. Mills?” Well, he just fucked up now, didn’t he? Ches was never going to let him live this down, and with how much he protested Ches and Elliot whenever they tried to discuss a possibility of forever, he was pretty sure Elliot would take some sort of satisfaction when he undoubtedly heard about the slip from his girlfriend. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who’d feel that way, but I’m glad I was able to help, especially if you’re going to go talk to someone who can-” She cuts off in the middle of a sentence, her green eyes lighting up as a grin crosses her features.

Zander doesn’t even have to glance over his shoulder to know Elliot entered the room. Ches’s sudden excitement might as well have been a neon sign flashing over the man’s head like ‘I exist.’ And he starts to get up, “you really should consider switching majors, Elswood. Just saying.”

“Never going to happen, Zander. I’m happy where I’m at.”

Well, at least he’d suggested it. Despite the urge to double down on his opinion, citing the thought that Elliot would probably agree with him, he decides to leave it for now. She was going to do what she wanted, and he had to find himself a therapist. “I’ll talk to you later, I’ve got some phone calls to make.” He relents.

Actually, maybe he’d text Elliot about it at some point, just to see if he was right.

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

Tag Drop!