#yes arya's blew up in durza's face

[incorrecteragonquotes]

Eragon Movie Recap Part 1: The First Part

So.

I watched the Eragon movie. Voluntarily.

I would say that I had forgotten how bad this movie was, but the truth is, I don’t think I ever fully understood in the first place. I saw this thing in theatres back when I had very low standards, and I kinda disliked it then. Seeing it again more than ten years later, it blew my mind. Ohhh boy, was I ever unprepared. I knew it would be bad, but this? I completely underestimated it. I was not at all ready.

But, ready or not, I saw the film. All of it. In detail. And among all of the bad bits I found many things to laugh at, though I imagine most of those were unintentional, and at least one instance of thematic consistency, which is always nice to see. So, the film was bad, certainly, but not thoroughly, completely terrible. But, if what we have now is bad, can we do better? Can we take what the studio has given us and transform it into something fun to experience, something people might actually choose to look at because they like seeing it? I certainly hope so, as this is the beginning of my quest to make that a reality.

This post and those following it will constitute a recap of the 2006 Eragon film - a summary of its events with a bit of commentary sprinkled in. Personal opinions will probably sprout up faster than weeds in a suburb. The wordy bits will be broken up by annotated screencaps from the film itself. I hope you like them! This series is based on a recap/screencap format that I personally have seen in mammothrider’s RWBY Recaps. In this recap series, you’ll be able to see elements from both that and screencap annotation blogs like cakewatchespsychopass. These folks do some very good work, and if their stuff looks interesting to you, you should totally check it out!

Now that you know what’s coming, I invite you to join me on my journey, as it is now beginning. My mission: to give you a way to enjoy the Eragon movie without first having to endure the Eragon movie.

Our story opens with a series of aerial shots. Clouds, mountains, and more are visible as the opening narration makes it clear that we’re in for a few minutes of exposition. Eventually, while looking at some clouds, a dragon raises its head into the frame. It turns out that we, the audience, were the real dragon rider the whole time! I must wonder, though, where the dragon was keeping its head earlier in this shot. That must have made for one uncomfortable flying stance.

But what’s this? On the other side of this cloud, we find a battle! With dragons fighting left and right and fire flying every which way, we look up to find ourselves attacked from above by another dragon!

The narrator informs us that all of this fighting is because of some guy named Galbatorix. While we’re on the subject of this guy, I have to ask, who names their kid Galbatorix? Like, even ignoring the part where it’s clearly an Evil Overlord Name, am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that somewhere, somebody looked at their kid and thought, I’m going to give you a really unwieldy name containing entirely too many syllables and weird consonants. I don’t mean to suggest that people never have long or complicated names, but compared to the rest of the names in this story, this one really sticks out to me as a very egregious example.

Moving on, we’re told about how there was this big war where a bunch of people died, and those that didn’t opted instead to run away in the approximate direction of some mountains. But wait! Who is this?

Some important rebels are riding through the woods on horseback, and they… stole the king’s favourite rock. We aren’t told why this matters. We are told, however, that the most important rebel’s name is Arya. Interestingly, she appears to be wearing the least armour, despite being the most important. Maybe they’re hoping that people will recognize her, and therefore not attack? That’s an unusual strategy. Regardless, everyone’s favourite oversized paperweight is clearly causing a few problems.

Meanwhile at the local evil lair, Ol’ Galby’s telling his Shade friend Durza all about how much he misses his cool rock. Oh, if only there were someone who could go on a low-profile retrieval mission. Someone with vaguely-defined supernatural abilities. Someone who doesn’t have the responsibility of staying in this weird mountain cave in case they need to loom dramatically in front of the camera. Durza, one of the least bad characters in this movie, takes the hint.

And now, we get to meet our protagonist! He’s getting out of bed at nighttime, for some reason. Protagonist walks past his sleeping uncle on his way to the door, and, for some reason, takes the time to pause and smile fondly at him. I’m not really sure of what the filmmakers were trying to communicate with this. He cares about his family? This man is, in fact, related to him? He would be disappointed if his parental figure were to suddenly be murdered? It is indeed that time of day, you know, the one when people generally aren’t awake? I should hope these things are all understandable by other means.

As our narrator informs us that this man venturing into the woods with a bow and some arrows is, in fact, going hunting, we get to enjoy a confusing bit of editing. In one shot, Protagonist Man (the fact that his name is Eragon is, of course, left unsaid) is closing the front door behind him. In the next shot, he’s climbing a hill in the middle of a lush forest that was clearly not at his doorstep in the establishing shot. Yes, I know he could have walked there first, but the editing strongly suggested he didn’t have to.

Moving on, Durza’s lurking in the forest now, waiting to intercept some horses and their humanoid companions. He stands in the middle of some pathway, raises his hand all magic-like and starts… hissing? The Urgals are apparently on their game today as they know how to interpret vague hissing as “launch ambush plan 4.2”.

It’s ambush time! Arya’s two dude friends get pincushioned real fast, and Arya herself gets tackled off her horse. Oh, no! If only there had been some obvious sign of trouble, like a suspicious dude acting suspiciously in the middle of the road dead ahead.

Eragon’s walking in the woods. There’s no-one around and his phone is dead. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots it: a deer.

Meanwhile, Arya is scooting along in the forest, holding a sword. That’s probably not how you hold a sword. Man, elven emissary training just isn’t what it used to be. Though, I do wonder how she made her tackler vanish before they hit the ground. We will probably never know. Then again, maybe that’s what they covered during training in place of proper sword-carrying technique.

I digress. Suddenly, it’s the Ring of Fire! Durza’s casting it, and really doesn’t seem to worry about fire damage while walking through it. He tries to intimidate Arya by finishing his sentence even after pausing to let her quip, but she’s one step ahead of him. She retrieves a very special cool rock, and immediately beams it out of her jurisdiction. Foiled again, Durza!

Time for Eragon to shoot the deer. But wait! The deer got all glowy and exploded! Actually, no, it didn’t explode, but it did get very mildly spooked and will be grazing elsewhere. Eragon doesn’t know what’s going on. His arrow’s on fire. There’s a cool rock on the ground. It’s smoking. Eragon looks perplexed, more than anything, by this complete surprise. I understand that intense confusion is something anyone would be feeling in this situation, but I would think that Eragon might have more pressing concerns when faced with a flashy mystery projectile.

Durza walks over to Arya, who’s collapsed onto the ground. It turns out that InstaPost is an expensive service. They discuss the exact meaning of “out of her jurisdiction”.

Eragon has decided to walk over to the cool rock. He squats down next to it. Picks it up. Blows on it. Truly an exhaustive investigation. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t do any sort of check beforehand to make sure that the suspiciously shiny explosively teleporting object isn’t going to curse him on contact. Oh, Eragon. What are we going to do with you?

Arya, meanwhile, has some sixth sense that lets her know that her cool rock has been found by an idiot. Satisfied, she takes a nap, leaving Durza to pick up the pieces.

This brings our first installment in the Eragon Movie Recap series to a close! This part covered about 6 minutes of screentime. Thanks for reading, and I hope you had fun, as I most certainly had fun writing it. If there was something you particularly liked, or would like to see done differently in future installments, you are more than welcome to leave some feedback as a reply, or in the ask box, or however else you’d like to deliver your message. I look forward to hearing from you!

Remember to tune in next week when we visit such questions as “will Eragon achieve his dream of multiclassing?”, “just how much trouble is Arya in?”, and “will the audience ever see Eragon follow proper safety procedures?”. See you then!

Bonus:

[iwillfindadragonsomewhere]

This is how we met Trianna

I didn’t remember that when Trianna and Eragon met she was fiercely flirting with him and that my sweet dumbassy didn’t notice. You can’t even imagine how much i love this moment. And then jealous Saphira just growled and it was over and I died of laugh even I had already read this another 7 times.

(i’m going to start using this giff for everything new I discover rereading)

And, well, here you have the scene, but I added Saphira’s possible comments before exploding at the end. They in bold and cursive. It’s a bit long, but I leave you this to entertain you for a while because I’m on my exams period and I’m quite vanished, I know. So here it is:

“Argetlam” She curtsied gracefully

He inclined his head in return. “Can I help you?”

“I hope so. I’m Trianna, sorceress of Du Vrangr Gata.”

“Really? A sorceress? he asked, intrigued.

“And battle mage and spy and anything else the Varden deem necessary. There aren’t enough magic users, so we each end up with a half-dozen tasks.” She smiled, displaying even, white teeth. (oh, I’m noticing what you are doing woman) “That’s why I came today. We would be honored to have you take charge of our group. You’re the only one who can replace the Twins.”

Almost without realizing it, he smiled back. She was so friendly and charming, he hated to say no. “I’m afraid I can’t; Saphira and I are leaving Tronjheim soon. Besides, I’d have to consult with Nasuada first anyway.” And I don’t want to be entangled in any more politics… especially not where the Twins used to lead.

Trianna bit her lip. “I’m sorry to her that.” She moved a step closer. “Perhaps we can spend some time together before you have to go. I could show you how to summon and control spirits… It would be educational for both of us.” (HA, what a pittyful aproaching that was)

Eragon felt a hot flush warm his face. (of course you do dumby Little One) “I appreciate the offer, bu I’m really too busy at the moment.” (that’s my boy. Deal with it human)

A spark of anger flared within Trianna’s eyes, then vanished so quickly, he wondered whether he had seen it at all. (oh, I have seen it. She deserved it) She sighed delicately. “I understand.”

She sounded so disappointed -and looked so forlorn -Eragon felt guilty for rebuffing her. It can’t hurt to talk with her for a few minutes, he told himself. “I’m curious; how did you learn magic?” (wait, what?)

Trianna brightened. “My mother was a healer in Surda. She had a bit of power and was able to instruct me in the old ways. Of course, I’m nowhere near as powerful as a Rider. None of Du Vrangr Gata could have defeated Durza alone, like you did. That was a heroic deed.” (shut up for Gods sake)

Embarrassed, Eragon scuffed his boots against the ground. “I wouldn’t have survived if not for Arya.”

“You are too modest, Argetlam,” she admonished. “It was you who struck the final blow. You should be proud of your accomplishment. It’s a feat worthy of Vrael himself.” She leaned toward him. (okey I’m getting mad) His heart quickened as he smelled her perfume, which was rich and musky, with a hint of an exotic spice. “Have you heard of the songs composed about you? The Varden sing them every night around the fires. They say you’ve come to take the throne from Galbatorix!”

“No,” said Eragon, quick and sharp. That was one rumor he would not tolerate. (see, “sorceress”? He’s too good for you). “They might, but I don’t. Whatever my fate may be, I don’t aspire to rule.”

“And it’s wise of you not to. What is a king, after all, but a man imprisoned by his duties?” (okay that is something I would say, I must give her that…) “That would be a poor reward indeed for the last free Rider and his dragon. No, for you the ability to go and do what you will and, by extension, to shape the future of Alagäesia”. She paused. “Do you have any family left in the Empire?” (shut. it. DOWN)

What? “Only a cousin.” (seriously Eragon how can you not be seeing it?)

“Then you’re you’re not betrothed?” (there it is now you see it!?)

The question caught him off guard. He had never been asked that before. (aw God. I’m gonna leave your mind). “No, I’m not betrothed.”

“Surely there must be someon you care about.” She came another step closer, and her ribboned sleeve brushed his arm. (back off. Back off right now. He cares about someone, and that someone is ME)

“I wasn’t close to anyone in Carvahall,” he faltered, “and I’ve been traveling since then.” (oh Trianna you are so lucky he is a baby because you would be missing a body part by now otherwise)

Trianna drew back slightly, (great) then lifted her wrist so the serpent bracelet was at eye level. “Do you like hiim?” she inquired. Eragon blinked and nodded, though it was actually rather disconcerting. “I call him Lorga. He’s my familiar and protector.” Bending forward, she blew upon the bracelet, then murmured, “Sé orúm thornessa hávr sharjalví lífs.”

With a dty rustle, the snake stirred to life. Eragon watched, fascinated, as the creature writhed around Trianna’s pale arm, then lifted itself and fixed its whirling ruby eyes upon him, wire tongue whipping in and out. Its eyes eemed to expand until they were each as large as Eragon’s fist. He felt as if he were tumbling into their fiery dephts; he could not look away no matter how he tried. (oh please)

Then at a short command, the serpent stiffened and resumed its former position. With a tired sigh, Trianna leaned against the wall. “Not many people understand what we magic users do. But I wanted you to know that there are others like you, and we will help if we can.”

Impulsivelky, Eragon put his hand on hers. (oh no no no no no) He had never attempted to approach a woman this way before, but instinct urged him onward, daring him to take the chance. It was frightening, exhiliarating (ERAGON WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH YOU). “If you want, we could go and eat. There’s a kitchen not far from here.” (well, you can try yes)

SHe slipped her other hand over his, fingers smooth and cool, so different from the rough grips he was accustomed to. “I’d like that. Shall we…” (that’s enough!)

Trianna stumbled forward as the door burst open behind her. The sorceress whirled around, only to yelp as she found herself face to face with Saphira.

Saphira remained motionless, except for one lip that slowly liften to reveal a line of jagged teeth. Then she growled. It was a marvelous growl -richly layered with scorn and menace -that rose and fell through the hall for more than a minute. Listening to it was like enduring a blistering, hackle-raising tirade.

Eragon glared at her the whole time.

When it was over, Trianna was clenching her derrss with fisrt, twisting the fabric. Her face was white and scared. She quickly curtsied to Saphira, then, with a barely controlled motion, turned and fled (that’s so much better, human). Acting as if nothing had happened, Saphira lifted a leg and licked a claw. It was nearly impossible to get the door open, she sniffed.

Eragon could not contain himself any longer. Why did you do that? He exploded. You had no reason to interfere!

(Okey, here we go)

Well, guys, if you have read till here, can you stop your lives for a second? Yeah yo did? And now can you take a moment to appreciate Saphira? And her mother-like caring? And how such a great badass she is? Yeah? Okey. You can continue with your lives now. Cheers!