#yes i am soscared

[thevastnessof]

HELLO, as part of my new year I want to start at least semi consistently writing amd posting it, so I made a sideblog for it @thetomes!

[gramarye]

Have you played Fate/stay night? I ask because the way you talk about Jaden heavily reminds me of the way a certain subset of tumblr FSN fans talks about it's protagonist. So if not you might enjoy it!

LOLL oh i have tried and failed to get into it but that was years ago.. i do want to try it again i know it is # iconique.. but are you. are you telling me ill be a dyke shirou truther ?!?!? OR IS THIS SOMETHING ELSE. LIKE IS THAT WHATS GOING ON. LIKE AM I BEING ACCUSED OF BEING A POTENTIAL LESBIAN SHIROU EMIYA ENJOYER

update i asked my fate friends and they all said yes. so so scared

anyway i do wanna give it another try one day i just know in my heart that ill be a sakura mutou defender. like i Know this it just feels right..

ANYWAY THANK YOU GOOD REMINDER. soscared but i will do it one day i prommy

[fishchomp]

you're money, baby. you're money.

dreams are a sort of sacred place. but last night you appeared and you read all of my journals (ones that don't even exist in realife, secrets that i would be too embarrassed to admit) and you laughed and i was there to watch but you never spoke to me, you just laughed. sonow im scared to see what tonight may bring. we watched that movie swingers last night, and now we've seen 6% of all of vincevaughns movies even though it feels like we've already seen a lot of them. jon favreau ran from new york to LA because his exgirlfriend found someone new and he was sosad even though he was that one who left her, and he was so sad that its all he could think about. all he did was wait for her to call, but she never did.and vince vaughn kept saying no, youre money baby, youre money. but he wouldn't listen. but then he met this lady named lorraine and they went swing dancing (which i guess is where the title comesfrom) and then his ex girlfriend calls him but he hangs up on her because lorraine is on the other line. i guess the only cure to heartbreak is a girl who can swing dance. i think things are getting distant again, but its not myfault.it actually never is, because im not the one that's going away (except i also am). im going to keep trying, ill never stop trying, but i dont know if its because i love you or because im building a case against you. i watched a bunch of grown men fight in my text messages yesterday and i waited six days to open a text because i was soscared of what it said but then it just said things like "its okay" and "i understand". well, pain is just another thing to feel. love is just another thing to feel. nothing real is really real. you feel? i slept on the amtrak twice this week. its a very [vulnerable / humiliating]* experience. and its honestly not even a pretty view. a 20 year old kid gave me an edible and i took myself dancing and i bought myself a new york strip steak and i scoffed when they asked for my ID, because don't you know who i am on the inside? my grandfather brings people to the bar he built in his basement and he has them sign the walls and many of those peoplearen't alive anymore, and some of them weren't even that old. i wonder what will happen to the walls in that house one day. we've gotta do karaoke. we've gotta goto that 70s themed club with the rainbow dance floor in the west loop.we've gotta keep eating out even when we shouldn't and we've gotta visit each other again soon and we've gotta keep saying yes even when we're tired. we simply gotta. in the war on celebrities, julian is going first, by the way. *though i guess vulnerability and humility are the exact same thing in a way. you cannot truly be exposed to the world without feeling so uncharacteristically shy. one day i wont even care what [you / anyone] thinks. "where do we go from here, i’ll say, youre a shining star, you'll do great in LA, and i keep fixing every habit that i break"

[gloriousstudentfury-love]

Viva Cuba

y/n’s POV

I knocked on the Alvarez's door, while Schneider stood next to me holding a chair.

Penelope opened the door and Schneider and I walked in.

"Hey, guys, you're in luck. I finally found a vintage store that had a chair that matches your dining set." Schneider said

"Why do we need an extra chair?" Penelope asked

"It's not really extra. There's six of us." He said putting the chair down at the table

They all gasped

"I know. It's not a perfect match. But it's hardly the sorest thumb in this room." He said

"Not the chair! What the hell are you wearing?" Penelope asked

"Oh crap." I said noticing who was on his shirt

"Oh. Che Guevara? Yeah. Viva la revolución, am I right?" He said

"You are wrong." Lydia said

"Do you have any idea.." Alex started

"I got this. Do you have any idea..." Elena said

"Kids, relax. Do you have any idea what this comemierda did?" Penelope asked

"Grew an awesome beard and modeled for T-shirts?" Schneider asked

"Oh, Wow." I said sitting down

"First of all, He wasn't even Cuban!" Penelope said

"He was Castro's right hand man." Lydia said

"He burned books. He banned music. He personally oversaw execution squads. He was a mass murder." Elena said

"But..He has a cool hat." Schneider said

"It's like if you walked into a Jewish home wearing a Hitler shirt." Penelope said

"Or into Taylor Swift's home wearing a Kanye shirt." I said

"Oh, my god! You guys, I am so sorry! I had no idea." He said taking off his shirt

"We forgive you, Schneider. We know that sometimes you are a bobo and don't know what you're doing." Lydia said hugging him

She started rubbing his chest and I had to look away.

"Okay, now I kind of miss the shirt." Penelope said

__________

Alex, Schneider, Lydia, and I were in the living room so Alex could interview her for his project on Cuba.

"So I had to flee Cuba and come here to America. Your abuelo and I were separated for years before we found our way back into each other's arms. There was an earthquake the day we reunited and I am convinced that the passion of our embrace moved the Earth." Lydia said

Alex and ended the recording.

"Not sure the science checks out, but who cares? That was beautiful." Schneider said

"Oh. Gracias." Lydia said

"What are you doing?" Schneider asked getting on Alex's face

Alex looked at him confused.

"History is coming alive before your eyes! And that's too small a camera for too big a star!" Schneider said

"What?" I asked

"Keep talking." Lydia said

"You're so luck she's here. I know nothing about my grandparents and I never will! And they live in Pasadena! I mean, the traffic's just...Anyway, this is a huge opportunity for you. With the right production value, this might qualify for a Student Academy Award. Oh, yeah. The Soscars? It's a thing." Schneider said

"I could win a trophy? Something for the Alvarez Museum besides my teeth?" Alex asked

"Wait, What?" I said

"Don't forget your umbilical cord." Lydia said

"What the hell kind of museum is this?" I questioned

"I'm gonna make a movie! I'll write a script, cast it, edit it.... Wait, am I making more work for myself?" Alex asked

I laughed

"Am I excited about it? Is this what it's like to be Elena?" He asked

"I will start my beauty regime now. I will be ready at dawn."

"Okay, but we have to go to school." Alex said

"Oh, good. Cause dawn was pushing it." Lydia said getting up and leaving

"Okay. So we're doing this tomorrow afternoon? Ah, I was supposed to have jury duty, but you know what? I'm just gonna call my guy. This is more important." Schneider said

Me and Alex laughed

Schneider was about to leave, when he opened the door and Penelope walked in.

"Oh, Hey, Pen. Do you have a 50-foot extension cord and some dry ice? You know what? I'll make a run to the depot." He said leaving

"Do I wanna know?" She asked us

"Tomorrow, I'm filming the whole family for my Cuba project. It's a lot of extra work, but I'm really excited. What is happening to me?" He said

Alex and I walked to his room.

___________

The next day, Alex, Schneider, and I were in the living room, setting up for the movie.

"Isn't this better? A good camera, proper lighting, and a cast in wardrobe." Schneider said

Elena walked out in a sparkly dress and a fruit hat

"I look like a fruit salad." She said

"I look like cousin Consuelo." Penelope said walking out in farmer clothes and a beard.

"Don't let the beard throw you. It actually looks really natural." Alex said

Penelope walked in front of the green screen.

"Lights, camera......talk now!" I said

"I am a farmer. I grow coffee beans. One of Cuba's most important exports. I work everyday from sunrise to sunset. But I am happy with my simple life." Penelope said

"Cut! Can we do it again? It doesn't really seem like you're a farmer." Alex said

"Cause I'm not really a farmer." She said

"It's not to late to recast." Schneider said

"You auditioned and you didn't get the part. Move on, man." I said

Okay, Elena, you're up." Alex said

"Great. But I have some notes on the script." She said

"Oh, here we go. I hate it when the talent has thoughts." Schneider said

"What are you trying to say about Cubans? You're making us out to be a total stereotype. We're not this different from everyone else." Elena said

"Elena, get over this diversity thing. A committee of people think you're a smart Latina, and they wanna help you achieve your dreams. How is this not a good thing?" Penelope asked

I knew they were going to fight, so I tuned out their conversation.

I zoned back in when it was Lydia's turn.

"Abuelita, you're up." Alex said

She dramatically opened the curtains.

"Oh, hello. I didn't se you there. It is I, Lydia Riera, the most famous dancer in Cuba. I can do flamenco, salsa, mambo, pachanga, and the Funky Chicken." She said

She danced to the couch and sat down.

"Okay. Time for your story. Make me laugh. Make me cry. Get me an A." Alex said

"Well, when I was in Cuba...the people would line up for blocks and blocks just to see me. I was the IPhone of my time. But then Castro took over. My family was forced to flee. And that's when I came to America." She said

"Oh, you know what would be good? Talk about being one of the Pedro Pan kids." He said

"Ah! Pedro Pan was a program that during the revolution to fly children out of Cuba and give them safe haven in the United States until Castro left." She said

"Okay.. so you were put on a plane to a new country where you didn't know the language?" I asked

"Oh, yes." She said

"Without your parents?" Alex asked

"Yes." She said

"And you were Elena's age, which would have made Tia Maruchi my age? And Mimi would've been really young." Alex said

"Yes." Lydia said

"Wow, Abuelita. I can't even imagine. That must have been so hard, taking care of your sisters, since you were the oldest." Alex said

Lydia stopped talking

"Mami, are you Okay?" Penelope asked

"Ah..you know, I am sorry. I'm a little tired. I'm sorry, papito." Lydia said tearing up and walking to her room.

We all looked at each other. I pat Alex on the back.

___________

Later, we were all standing in front of the curtain, listening to Abuelita tell Penelope about her older sister.

I held Elena's and Alex's hand.

Penelope opened the curtain and we all sighed.

"So, I guess you heard everything?" Penelope asked

"It's just a curtain." Schneider said

Elena went into her room to talk to her.

Why they were talking, I slowly grabbed my bag and went back to Schneider's apartment.

I couldn't stand to hear people talking about losing their family.

________________

Later, I was sitting on the couch when their was a knock on the door.

I got up from the couch, and opened the door to find Alex.

"Hey." I said letting him in

"Hey." He said

"Is Lydia okay?" I asked

"She's fine, we actually finished the movie. Are you okay?" He asked

"I'm fine, why do you ask?" I said

"Well, you kinda walked off." He said

"Her story just made me sad." I said

"It reminds you of someone else's story?" He asked knowingly

"A little." I said

_________

The next day, we were all gathered in the Alvarez living room to watch Alexa movie.5

We all clapped after it finished.

"Oh, Lydia, I'm so thrilled to be your date at the premiere of the greatest story ever filmed." Dr. B said

"Oh, Leslie, you exaggerate. Date" Lydia said

"That was great, Alex." I said

"Thanks. And I finally have my contribution to the Alvarez Museum. My script with and A-plus on the cover." He said

We all cheered

"And don't forget your signed headshot of the producer." Schneider said

"That's not going on my wall." Penelope said

"We'll See." Schneider said

"Uh.. but I may have something to add to the wall soon. After giving it a lot of thought... I have decided to go back to school to become—" she started

"No, no, no! Don't become a doctor! Please, I've been regretting it ever since we talked. I'm so sorry I inspired you." Dr. B said

"Relax, Doc. You didn't inspire me. They did. I'm not gonna be a doctor. I'm gonna be a nurse practitioner. It's all the things that excite me about being a doctor, but the training takes a fraction of the time, and it still comes with a pretty sweet salary bump." She said

We clapped for her

"Hey, maybe we could both be nurse practitioners. Nah, I couldn't. I enjoy the white coat too much." Doc said

"Nps get a white coat." She said

"Son of a bitch!" He said+

__________

[stehlenghast-blog]

Major Work Part VIII: Supplemental.

I felt like last night was more of a warm up session so now I’m going to really go for it.

Here I am again. Doing something, soing what? Thinking. ABout? About her. A time ago, a long time ago after we met when I started to notice what she was to me. I remember holding her and my vision was tunneled and black, and people were talking to me but I couldn’t hear a word. They were happy and smiling at me, but I was wrapped around her and i couldn’t stop thinking about her. There was nothing else in mind just her. And I told her, and she patted me, I can’t believe that really happened and she said I shouldn’t get to obsessed and that scared me because I didn’t know how to. Oh and the feel. This warm that pulled me forward. Into her, from my chest. Oh and she smiled, she was cute, it was her Japanese thing coming through. Fuck, like a dream, that really ahppened? I wonder if she was really real... What drerwBlind warm forward it went in yellow glows. Whenever everything else was black. So simple calm. No worries or shit, just her. Why she liked me and what she did to me, and feeling whole. Like a dream. Wrapped in black yet I ekpt pushing dforward to her nd I couldn’t let go and my heart is pumping. Fuck what have I done? Gaah, that’s not what we’re about. This pulling, but what was she doing? She was talking that’s not important it’s the pulling. This pain in my chest with a faint orange glow behind. A dim black spiral spins round and round, fixating, I close my eyes and hold tight, and I feel her hand on me, and that’s all I feel this sort of warmth, this randomness this thing I can’t control on me, manipulating me and connecting with meit it itfrom out side it comes and without direction and it touches beneath the skin, sinks down until its just a force offlat corregated patterns stacked on one another silver and rust dances. And the black cloud lines dance and it feels like I want to cry, ugh. But the knowing is all That she’s there.

And she’s always on my mind. WHat does she want? Want with me? Where are we going? Where did she come from? How did she get here? Why is she so much like me? How does she keep walking forward? And how can i do that. It hurts to remember now. So long ago ugh. Will she fulfil my dreams? Will she make her strong like her? Why isn’t she the way she was before? Why is she who she is now?

And she know and she touches me to sooth me, but that’s doesn’t help, I only want more. More touching. More white, more bones, more intelligence, more orders, my will on me. I only want to experience more of her, that’s the feeling. It’s not an appreciation, it’s more experience. That’s not love. It’s a wanting for more of her, of every bit, of every moment, of every look. Watching the hair move, seeing it grow and change colour. Wanting to step in her shoes to see what she’s seen like she sees it. To know how she works like I don’t. This thing beyond me, yet so like me in the good ways, but so different in the good ways. How did it get here? How did I find it? Why does it move like that? What does it feel like to move like that? Look at me, look at me move and like how I do it. Do you see how similar we are? Bah. Moving on.

And this opening of my chest of mind. I don’t ask you to di it. I want you to fill me with yourself. To drink you like a stream trickaling down into me. Fuck and I want the pain again and the control, but I want you more. Every minute, every tiny detail. What happened next, why did you do that? Ireally didn’t care for myself at all. I was lost in you. Every second in your prescence. Eevery second under your gaze. Just every time with your image. Your braids, your eyes, your cheeck bones, your clavical, those ribs, ah! Your spine!

And those big plates with the spine. Oh jesus christ. TRhe flatness and the bareness, the purity and the cleanness. They just cut me so deep into my consciousness. How the ridges rubbed against my finger tips. How to say it. This this aaahhhhhh Why that ridge seared into my mind? What’s so special about that ridge? It was hard, it stood out, with a soft durve and a hard edge, and a resistance. It didn’t look human. None of it did. That translucent skin and the bones and the blue veins. They defied my mind and drove me insane. And those shin bones were similar but less twisted, I just sat there and licked and licked and licked until you got bored and made me stop, and  I just wanted to keep licking. I gave you everything. I gave my very my mind my soul, there was just bnothing but yout you. Crawling within me, filling me from within until I was nothing. Like a bug inside me, slowly eating away at my brain until it had total control. ANd I couldn’t resist, I only wanted more. The same stories came over and over and I only wanted to hear them again. I wanted more and more of your glory.

There’s a deeper state here becaseu I didn’t expect it, I didn’t think it was possible. Where are the word’s for that? The word’s are the hardest bit and the images don’t count. I’ll punt and pund until it’s out. It all panged on my counciousness, as if everything just left when she was there. Oh and my thoughts did to, but when she was gone they ran and ran, what is she up to? What’s she doing? Is she thinking of me? I didn’t like her doing thigns without me I don’t want o miss out. It was like her hand fused to me and my skin was gone and numb and I could only feel her, pushing into me her caringness coming through and into me and possessing me. I just want to die again. Wicked and long and warm they tiungled like those flicking lights when I close my eyes. AND i COULDN’T CONTROL myself, nothing went the way I wanted to and I felt bad, she made me feel bad for it but I couldn’t change it, I knew it was bad for me but that Inly made me hate myself. and and and keep your hands on the keyboard, keep going let it out you can get there. I felt bad for being me, but I wanted to be you, you made me feel so great, greater than I could make myself feel and why couldn’t you get thata? Why couldn’t you see how good it was to be with you? How strong you were. Oh yes, it controlled me, it compelled me to go against myself and I was soscared and you couldn’t help me, I held myself and I couldn’t look away from you, and I wanted to touch and I didn’t want to feel thatway about you, and you didn’t want me to feel that way abnout you, but I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t even run away, I just stood there asking myself why does it need to be like this? Why do those things make me feel like this? It’s just meat, it’s a petrson. yet they possess me and control me, and I want to touch them, it seems to small, but it’s wrong, why do they have to make me  feel this way? Why can’t I be free? Why can’t I just tell myself that I don’t want them to make me feel this wya and they stoip making me feel this way? I can’t Why do I do? Just grab me and tie me down, just take them away. Why couldn’t I be stronger? I just stood there and I tried to plead, but I couldn’t. This fucking mind, it’s so weak, it can’t control itself, it can’t bend to it’s own will, and I dson’t even want my own will, I just want your will, take control of me because I can’t control myself. Fuck how I ahted myself, how I felt the way I didn’t want to. and she didn’t help, but I couldn’t tell her, why didn’t she see? What she did to me. I wonder if she’ll ever know how it feels. I almost cried it was so horrible. but she didn’t help me, she didn’t see me, I tried but I don’t think she knew, and i wonder if she could ever know. Is this what it means to be a man? I don’t want it. It kills me inside.