#yes many of the sensory issues that bother me are also mildly annoying to other people

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

neurotypical people will be like "yeah loud noises bother me too" and meanwhile i once had to sit in a closet clutching a pillow sob-rocking for 2.5 hours because a fire alarm went off for a few seconds

[adapted-batteries]

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So I’ve been a little different from everyone I know since I was little. I didn’t think much of it, didn’t see a problem with having only a few close friends, not liking certain textures/flavors, not liking to socialize. I thought I was just an introvert, and that was that. However, recently, I got curious about stimming (as I have stimmed for as long as I remembered, particularly flapping hands) and discovered Asperger’s Syndrome.

There’s gonna be alot of me thinking, so I’ll put it under a read more.

The main thing I will say here is this: Though I can function in society mostly fine, the “mostly” is the kicker, because I do have issues socially, and I’ve learned/taught myself to be better. That’s what makes me realize I’ve probably got Asperger’s. If you’re curious as to why I say that, go ahead and click keep reading below.

Upon intensive googling, I found I matched a lot of the common characteristics, both strengths and challenges Aspies have/face. It was actually new to me that Asperger’s/Autism have strengths too, as I had very little knowledge.

In terms of strengths, anything that involves writing I’m good at. So things like vocabulary, focus for long periods of time, imagination, all things up my alley. I also have special interests which shifted from when I was a kid (horses were my jam) to things I obsess over in the fandom world now. I’m also obsessive with plants at the moment (see my growing shelf or my plant side blog, adapted-gardening).

I enjoy being alone for sure. I’m also open-minded, despite my upbringing in the church and close-mindedness of my family, and definitely like animals more than people. I enjoy repetitive tasks like putting papers in envelopes for an hour, sorting bookshelves, weeding, things like that.

As for challenges, I don’t really meet the motor ones (besides stimming) probably due to me playing basketball since I was 6-7 years old, and being active ever since. I do match some social, sensory, and perception ones though.

I don’t initiate conversations, don’t like small talk, can forget to read people’s expressions while I’m talking about something I like, used to not do very good eye contact, get exhausted after extensive socializing. I can do group work, but I seem to be either completely submissive or completely controlling if no one steps up as leader, though if I’ve got the option, I’ll work alone. Phone conversations...well I’ve gotten mildly better thanks to previous jobs requiring them on a daily basis, but I still have anxiety talking to strangers, and even with people I know I commonly don’t realize I need to respond and they think the line dropped or something. I don’t communicate my feelings to many people unless it’s someone I know/trust, and even then unless it’s really bothering me to the point of distress, I won’t say anything, or I’ll play it off as non-important.

As a kid I had bad aversion to some vegetables and fruits to the point of gagging, didn’t like the slimy feeling of lotion, but also would get quite sensitive to dry skin after taking baths, and sometimes tactile sensations get too much. For the most part I’ve grown out of both the vegetable aversion and lotion thankfully.

I never felt like I fit in (as a kid I legit imagined I belonged in the Star Wars universe and just needed to be picked up...Star Wars was a special interest for a while). I never really felt like a girl either, hence my self-discovery of non-binary.

If I’m on a train of thought, it can be hard to get off it, which can make things like going to sleep or switching tasks hard. I don’t like it when things come up unexpectedly in my schedule (and yes I’ve got my life quite regimented in my calendar and head). I tend to use the same things, order the same food, do the same routine as much as I can, listen to the same music for different tasks. I tend to over analyze anything if I don’t stop myself.

At first I was like “yeah this is totally what’s up with me, I’ve got Asperger’s.” But as my anxiety kicked in, I started doubting myself because I didn’t have an official diagnosis or anything, and I can function mostly fine in society. But that’s the thing, I “mostly” can.

Obviously socializing is hard. I don’t talk to my professors unless I need help, and I don’t go get help unless I couldn’t google it first. That can make recommendations tough to get. I’m great at making “awkward silences” because I don’t respond to things. I’ve taught myself how to read people a little, and I realize now I’m taking psychology to basically help myself learn how other people think and act.

I prefer my routine, but I won’t die if it gets messed up, it just annoys me a lot. I stim (hand flapping, tensing muscles, tactile stims, finger tapping, leg jiggling, and some others I’m probably forgetting), and I found stimtastic.co and got myself a spinner ring which is amazing (I’ll post a gif later of it). I can get really focused on stuff, which can make switching from something like writing, a thing I care a lot about, to homework, something I may not really be interested in, hard to do. It can also keep me up at night as my brain keeps making stories.

I did go to the counseling center on Friday at my uni, and after deciding I was wanting more an explanation/confirmation of why I do things, the counselor suggested I look over my insurance and he’d refer me to a specialist for assessment. That’s all fine and dandy, but I don’t really have money, and my mom’s one of those that see autism as people like a childhood friend of mine’s brother, who my mom would clearly call “autistic,” so my mom won’t help me either, or even approve of me getting assessments done.

My insurance requires me to pay the $320 deductible and 10% of the cost, so I don’t know if I’ll get go diagnosed until I’ve got more money to my name. It’s not like it’s gonna go away, and part of me is like “to hell with official diagnosis, you know you best” but the other half is like “you can’t be sure till a professional says so.” There’s also the question of “why get a diagnosis if you’re not gonna seek therapy or accommodations at school?” It’s a valid point; why spend that money when I essentially know already?

So this is me processing. Who knew the last couple of years would be so much figuring myself out? I’d say college had a lot to do with figuring this out, because I suddenly changed social environment and woo, had to do friend-making which has been a slow, but steady process.

If anyone else stumbles on this, I hope it helps you. I know seeing other people’s experiences helped me figure myself out, so it’s my turn to contribute.