#yiu the dignity of saying it to ur fucking face. When ur living thru all that and isolated and in a pandemic and deeply traumatized and

[aropride]

ive been reading a lot about ptsd for like. academic reasons as well as for the normal reasons (for fun/to try and speedrun fixing my brain (it isnt working)) and something a lot of places emphasize is others’ reactions being a super important part of how someone copes with trauma and if they develop ptsd. and thats something i definitely kind of knew already from experience and it just makes sense but like. idk. i just think about how the first person i told (aside from my therapist who doesnt count and my best friend whos just an extension of my own brain and therefore also doesnt count) abt one trauma just flat out ignored it and kept being friends with the person who hurt me and eventually stopped talking to me entirely in favor of them. and how all i could really do was completely isolate myself from everyone bc i was scared and i couldnt even imagine like. talking to anyone else about it. especially when a professional i talked to was really dismissive and.. not rude exactly but i got the sense that she really didnt like me. but those experiences like back to back ended with me like. shutting down completely and hiding in my room all the time and not talking to anyone and also being actively psychotic and realizing i had a dissociative disorder and its like. 😭 i mean it kinda spiraled wildly out of control. but if that first friend i told hadnt completely brushed it off and ignored it i think things wouldve ended up a lot different. i dont think it had to be that fucking awful. bc now with This situation all my friends have been supportive and accommodating and loving, and my school has been helpful and for the most part making reporting as smooth as possible (still sucks though!), and even though it has definitely been very traumatic like. im also seeing how it Should have been. none of that should have happened. when i told my friend what happened he shouldnt have just REACTED WITH A HEART EMOJI AND THEN NEVER BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN.. he shouldnt have texted that person in front of me every time we hung out. i shouldnt have felt nauseated going to the cafeteria bc id see them together and it felt like being beat to death. i shouldnt have been spiraling into psychosis in my room alone bc i should have had a friend who would be there for me. i shouldnt have gone days without talking to anyone because my friend should have been there for me and wanted to spend time with me. i got through it alone but i shouldnt have had to. and now i dont have to and its just. so fucking wild to. be able to see how important a support system is in my own life and how wildly different its been this year. idk