#you ever been on the verge of an anxiety attack and youre just basically begging for it to start to get over it

[finalgirlfailure]

I feel like I got hit by a fucking bus because of all the shit I did at work

[dark-and-kawaii]

Dabi angst angst fluff?! Bonus points for preggo s/o and dabi todoroki theory 💋💚 do whatever you want baby Kiwi 🥝

I don’t understand why blogs don’t like requests like this ヾ(〃^∇^)ﾉ you guys basically are letting me write whatever i want and this makes things really easy for me 〜(^∇^〜) *parties* 

*cracks knuckles* I love the dabi is a todoroki theory (★‿★) SO THIS is an awesome request!

Enjoy Baby Anonymous xo let me know what you think (づ￣ ³￣)づ 

I personally love this piece, some parts i left out details so you can imagine what happened your own way. Sometimes thats more fun. 

The phrase Karma Is A Bitch, was never a more fitting sentiment than this moment. Entering the hospital room from Kurogiri’s portal, Dabi heard that the sound of your breathing was ragged, uneven, almost lifeless along with beeping machines ringing in the room. Staring down at your sleeping form, he saw that one eye was blue and swollen shut while your once smooth lips were now chapped with deep cuts on them.

His eyes trailed down, seeing the bruises on your wrist made him feel sick. Not wanting to even think about what you look like under the gown. As his conscience ate him alive. He never knew why you stayed with him, after all you have put up with. ‘Get lost, I only came back to use you as i pleased.’ The voice in his head was making him go mad, the words he spat out at you only a few hours ago before this all happened. Sitting in the only chair in the room, lowering his head into his hands, his fingers dug into his head while hot tears crawled down his face. Biting his lower lip hard enough to break his already damaged skin as if trying to awake himself from an endless nightmare. “___.”

Opening your apartment’s door nothing could have prepared you for what you were about to walk into. Dropping your groceries there he was sitting on your bed, waiting for you to make an appearance. Thunder clapped as your made your way into your apartment, his icy blue eyes never leaving you. As the rain walloped against your window you finally made it over to your bed in the small studio apartment as lightning lit the room.

“Looks like i got here in time.” Dabi rotated his head to the window, his eyes glowing as the lightning struck again. Peering down you saw that his arm was injured badly, your eyes full of sorrow. Remembering that the second to last time you saw him was when he still had his gorgeous red hair, and then the next day he came back with his skin a mess, burnt, cut, on the verge of rotting until you patched him up with surgical staples and stitches… It was so long ago and to this day you still don’t know what exactly happened, but surely it was from his father, or him overdoing his quirk.

What had caught your eyes though was that a few of the many staples in his hand were now gone, which was causing him to bleed out quite a bit. Which only lead you to go grab the supplies you had leftover from the last time he made an appearance which was three months ago… The very last time you had seen him, no words were exchanged, only one night full of lust and longing to be in one anothers arms once more. When you awoke, he was gone with a simple note left on your bed, “sorry”.

Crouching on your knees you held his hand up so you could get a good look at it before beginning the process of stapling his skin back together. His eyes were concentrated on you, watching, thinking, his eyes squinting as he remembered too, the last time he had seen you.

“Todoroki-” Nearing his first name, Dabi had cut you off swiftly.

“I go by Dabi now, so forgot about the name you used to call me, got it?” You flinched back at his tone, how strict it was. With his head held down he only looked away, possibly regretting how he had just spoke to you.

Releasing a small sigh, you calmed your nerves as you stapled him back up. Smiling as doing so, “Dabi, huh? It’s kinda cute, I think i can get used to calling you that.” Stapling his wounds you spoke to your then, and now love, who now goes by the name, Dabi. “There, all done.” Kissing his hand you glanced up at him, winking playfully as he turned back to watch you kiss it. “The kiss is supposed to help the healing process.”

“I got blood all over your shirt, you should probably change before it gets anywhere else.” He spoke with composure, “…And your sheets, sorry about that but the couch just felt… unwelcoming.”

“Dabi…” Your hands were clasped over his injured one that was now wrapped. Pressing his hand to your mouth you held back the tears you ever so wished you could release, but you needed to stay strong. Standing you went to take your shirt off, Dabi moved up off your bed following suit since he knew you probably still had his old clothes still.

Scrapping your shirt in front of him, Dabi had taken note of your bloated belly and that you did look a bit thicker in all the right places. “…You look good, but you might want to slow down on the eating before your stomach explodes. Wouldn’t really be a pretty site, plus me being a Villain now they would probably blame me since… ____?”

You had your arms wrapped around your frame, you were physically shaking, trying your dammest to fight the anxiety that was washing over you.

Dabi’s icy eyes broaden before clenching his fists at his side, his eyes hardening in an instant…

“___. Who’s is it.” It wasn’t a question, but a strong demand. Dabi’s tone was serious as small blue flames danced around his skin.

“I’m fourteen weeks, Dabi… He’s your child.” Twirling around, your eyes filled to the brim with glassy tears, your pregnant stomach showing. “Da-Dabi… Please… Come home.”

Besides the raining pouring down and thunder in the distance, the small studio apartment was hushed and dark, the only light was the slight blue flames as they began to die out.

“Get lost, I only came back to use you as i pleased. Just forget i ever showed up, ____.”

“Dabi…”

“Get lost i said. It’s better this way any how. Thanks for the patch up.” Dabi turned on his heels, leaving you to be alone in the dingy atmosphere.

Not to his knowledge people were out looking for him. Hours ago before arriving, Dabi had pick a fight with a few low level thugs. Thinking he had killed them all he left to find you since you lived not far, and he needed some assistance with his injury. They had followed him, he lead them right to you, not even knowing it.

Dabi was nearing the hideout passing up a few shops that had TV’s turned on, looking up to see Endeavour on the News. Bragging about how he truly is the best, and how the world would be shit without him, that one day his gifted child would surpass All Might. Dabi was unaware of the fact his nails were digging into his palm with his fists clenched tightly. ‘He’s your child… Dabi please come home.’ Your words echoed in his head. Dabi heard the word gifted child again, only to bring back more words of yours in his head,

  ‘Not gifted? Incomplete? Your father is a loser, i happen to think you’re quite gifted and complete, plus your flames are so beautiful! They even match those pretty eyes of yours. I love you, and i can’t wait to be called ____-Todoroki one day, because together we will make the name into something great. You and i can start the name fresh. Make it ours and not his.’

You were his muse afterall, and he just left you. The one person who had been there for him, no matter what. It didn’t matter to you when you found out he was a villain, you still made love to him, and you still begged him to come home. Whirling around, Dabi raced back to your apartment.

Panting, Dabi placed his hand on your doorknob only to find that the door was already opened, no, it was broken into. Chunks of wood were missing from it.

“___?!” Bashing through what was left of the door Dabi looked around, until catching a blurry figure, squinting Dabi noticed it was you. Tied to a thin wood column, beat bloody.

“___!” Making haste Dabi quicky undid your binds, pressing you to his chest he looked around to see if he could find any hints as to who did this. Gathering you in his arms, he couldn’t go to the hospital so what now? Doing the only thing he could think of, he called the police. Telling them everything before leaving you once more, only this time he promised to come back as he laid a kiss to your forehead.

Now in your room at the hospital, his fingers dug into his head while hot tears crawled down his face. Biting his lower lip hard enough to break his already damaged skin a ping in his chest everytime he thought about how he waited so long to come back to you, how he waited three months, after everything you’ve both been through. You were the one person he wanted to protect and guard, the one person he managed to genuinely care for in his entire life, but you were also the one person who caused him pain and suffering. He knew he couldn’t drag you down with him, he knew he had to let you go, and it killed him every time. Dabi wanted to tell you how he kept his eyes on you from afar time to time, but it caused him too much pain. So the night after you had both made love he had stopped completely.

Dropping his hands from his head, he looked down at his foot to see a picture. Dabi’s heart starts to ache even more, knowing well what the picture is of. Taking the picture in his hand, staring at what might have been a happy ending. Imagining what could have been, a baby boy. Dabi had no clue if his child had survived the attack or not, but he knew only heros get a happy ending…

Dabi is no hero, he was a villain, and the villains never get to have a happy ending. Tears start to trickle down his face again as he stares at the ultrasound picture “i’m so sorry, I should’ve stayed.”

Standing up he placed himself in the bed wrapping his arm around your waist while holding onto the ultrasound picture. “I promise… ____, that I will be a better father than mine.” Dabi paused for a moment closing his eyes before continuing “and that no one will dare touch you again, I put my life on it.”

Dabi was sprawled out on the grass, besides him laid his handsome son who was sound asleep holding his mother’s hand. Looking over, Dabi saw that you too were fast asleep with your head on his chest. Dabi took in the view, memorizing it all. Both his loves laying on him, holding hands. Peering up into the yellowish orange sky, remembering what you had told him the day he snuck you out of the hospital once you were recovered from your attack. 

‘Dabi, there are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, so just give me a happy middle… and a very happy start. Besides, nobody is a villain in their own story. We’re all the heroes of our own stories.”’

Dabi smirked while placing a hand on your head, “Mrs. ___-Todoroki, it’s kinda cute. I think i can get used to calling you that…”

[perksofbrown]

Why are boys so bad?

How can I be honest when all you’ve done is pushed me to lie

You’ve taught me since day one, “stop trying to fly”

So, I had no other choice but to create little fibs that let me live my life

You told me that my life would never be my own "I will make your decisions until you’re 16" you told me when I was 10

That gave me false hope because the day I turned 13

I was told that after 16 it was my fathers turn to take over 

I asked you with my whole heart full of fear, “what happens after I have a career”

You looked down and smiled at my naivety, “then your husband takes over”

That day it became clear to me, at the young age of 13, my life would never be my own I spent that year filled with anxiety attacks and constant fear.

Until one day, I told my first fib. It was so easy, it literally just slipped. 

It was so easy because I knew what I was doing was right, all I wanted to have friends that were boys. Nothing more. So when you asked me who would be there at the party, I simply just said 3 names, if I never said the last one it wasn’t really lying... right?

At 13, the older boys started telling me I resembled porn star, I didn't even know what porn was. I tried to talk to you about it but it was of no real use You told me to ignore it and silenced me then and there. I had no choice but to log on to youtube and discover what I was being called

...

‘Oh so this is what it is’ I thought, maybe just maybe if you had been open with me I wouldn’t have had to learn It on my own.

But instead mumma, this is why you caught me with my phone at 3 am trying to figure out what the appeal was

Before I knew it I found myself talking to strangers that made me feel some sort of way, 

This isn’t me playing the blame game,  I should’ve had better sense.

But mumma frankly I had no one else to turn to, especially when all my white peers did not have similar issues.  I felt ashamed as though I had done something wrong by having the face I did, maybe this was the start of my downfall in your eyes.

After 14, when all my peers started dating and boys came to my attention I was introduced to sex ed, I finally began understanding that me talking to boys was normal.

Yet again I faced another crisis, while my parents were telling me boys are bad and to focus on school and yet my education was teaching me how to be safe when having sex?

I tried to talk to you about what I learned, you weren’t even concerned, you once again just brushed the topic off as NBD I tried to be open but I kept getting shut out, but Mumma I was born with wings no matter how hard you tried to ignore them they were there and they only grew stronger

You tieing them down was like physical education for them and they kept growing stronger and stronger until even I couldn’t control them.

Finally, I entered my sophomore year when my friend invited me to HIS party. He was a good kid. Got good grades. All I wanted to do was go out to celebrate his birthday with his friends and him

And I had truly thought that as a sophomore it was time that I didn't have to hide social interactions from you because frankly, I had been doing for the last 3 years.

However, when papa dropped me off and saw 2 boys he instantly brought me back, humiliation showed in my eyes as I had to left that lunch with my head down.

This day marked my personal demise, I realized quickly that there would never be a compromise and that my lies had to become my life.

Because even though I grew up under your control our cultures were completely different.

You told me that day as I paced around in frustration Boys aren’t worth it, they all become strangers after marriage and how once they think you have them they start taking you for granted.  You told me why arranged marriage was the optimal solution, you gave me countless examples of “successful” marriages and how they were all arranged.

I was given examples of uncles and aunts. Yet my wings kept trying to flutter, and as a result, I countered with my own examples.

But in the end, the one thing that rings in my ears is the lesson you tried giving which is simply: As long as a man gives you a comfortable life, your freedom is worth giving up

I was shocked, speechless even so when you said its getting late let's go inside I couldn’t find the words to argue.

decided that day that, then and there,  the problem wasn’t boys, it was marriage altogether.

At the young age to 15, id swore off giving my self to a man completely.

Basically? No shaadi for me.

Junior year started, and so did my first ever relationship. Oh, mumma how I wanted to tell you, how I wanted to come to you when I needed advice.

At that point I knew nothing about relationships, all I knew was that there was this boy

Don't get me wrong, I had crushes but mumma. This was real, or as real as it gets at 16.

I was smart about it, beyond anything else you raised a girl with street smarts As I went on that first date, I kept 2 of my friends close by. I planned for the worst.

As I grew, my hormones only worsened Boys became more interesting, and what made them tempting was the idea that they were untouchable.

So mumma the wings you tried clipping only flew higher.

That relationship ended because at the end of the day I knew where my priorities lied, But mumma that one 3 months long relationship introduced me to so much more than my phone had

I had broken my barriers.

Fibbing became exciting quicker than you could have imagined. The life I showed you became more and more of a lie

As the time came to pick a college, you told me “listen to us we have more knowledge"

I wanted to run far away, and finally, let my wings fly but my heart and love for you got in the way.

So I stayed because some part of me still had faith that one day our worlds could truly be the same

I lived 15 minutes away and at first, I listened to you, I came home when you wanted because I understood that this was a change you needed to adjust to

But eventually, I realized the toll it was taking on my academics and my social life,

The first time I stood up and begged you to let me stay, you pulled the strings of my heart once again

However, when you continuously pull on hearts strings, they only become tauter and harder to tug

Before long I was immune to the emotional blackmail and I stood my ground

I was 18 now, an adult in the eyes of the law.

College was an exciting new world I kept your morals close

I'll be honest mumma and papa I drank alcohol 5 weeks in, only because I knew it was something we did

I never drank it in excess thought or to the point that I would regret I was smarter than that, you made me smarter than that.

I stuck to my morals and I never got high

kids all around me tried to pressure me with logic but I knew this wasn’t right for me

Because mumma and papa I'm old enough to distinguish what wrong and what is simply not

I'm no better than them simply because I said no, but that's not my point.

My point is that I know my boundaries and I have set them and I stick to them My choices are my own

You don't have to protect me anymore, my wings have grown and they grow every day.

-love silver

---------------------

sorry about the grammar issues, I wrote this at the verge of a mental break down in the middle of a crowded room. Plus I didn’t want to edit it because then I would be tempted to replace words that make it flow and that would just remove the genuineness of the story 

[ravingmadmanjourney]

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 164

I am very mad and very upset right now. I made it no secret about my battle with depression. But I have not mention too often about Asperger's syndrome that I strongly believe I also suffer from! Looking back now, I recognize the various signs I exhibited in the past. I believe I should explain what Asperberger's entails. To put it simply it is a form of autism. Those people who have it is very high functioning are rather smart in certain areas. But they find it extremely hard to adapt to changes in their surroundings or personal lives. Any little change can set them off into a total meltdown. The world is very frightening and scary to them. This is the best I can explain it. Basically, they tend to be antsy. Like I said earlier, I strongly suspect that I have it. But I wasn't tested for it when I was a child.

I was born in the 1960s and Autism was seldom if ever discussed. Back then, if the powers that be suspected mental illness, the affected child was separated from "normal" society and placed in special education. The system treated them as complete idiots and really didn't teach them anything! I learned quickly how to act "normally" and learned how to mimic people. I was standoffish, but they took that as just being shy. Had I have been born in a different decade, maybe. . . Such ponderings will do no good now. So why don't I get tested now? What good will that do me now? I am 58 years old now. I have adjusted over my lifetime to the point I am comfortable with daily living.

I wrote the previous two paragraphs only as an introduction to what I really want to write about. My best friend's two oldest children have Asperger's. For some reason, I can usually handle them with ease. I am the only person that my friend will trust to watch over them. Maybe it is because I can sense some of the turmoil boiling in their thoughts. Or it might be that I understand to some extinct of what they are going through because of my own life experiences.

Recently, the oldest one flew into a rage because his real mother not answering his phone call. He attacked his dad and the other child that suffers from autism and tried to strangle them about a month ago. Of course, the police were called and he was arrested. Since he is over 18 and he has repeated this behavior over and over again, my friend had no other choice but to file a restraining order against his son. A move I fully agree with by the way. Right now the oldest child is living with his real mother, the same one who abandoned him when he was only 4! I could say more on this, but it is not strictly needed in this blog. Besides, I wrote about it in this blog.

No, what I want to write about is the effect this episode had on the other child with an autism spectrum disorder. As I wrote earlier, one of the effects of autism is difficulties in adjusting to change. At first, he seemed to be handling this situation rather well. But last night he suffered a severe meltdown because of it. He attacked his parents quite severely and the police were called in to help.

Let me explain something first. Autism Spectrum people take medicine to help control themselves better. It is a balancing act. Well, for some reason, the insurance company refused to cover one of the medications he needs to calm him down. One you do not cut someone's medicine off suddenly especially anyone who suffers from ant type of mental illness. From what I understand, the government doctors who oversee Medicaid received the wrong information and decided this medicine was not needed! Some fucking group of people working for the government and the insurance company who never saw my friend's son decided to save money instead of caring for the patient in the right way! Maybe if the doctor kept him on his medication this would give never happened.

So the police were called to help defuse the situation. The problem with this is the police are not trained to handle mentally ill people. My friends begged the police to take there 14 years old son to a special hospital to get him the treatment he needed. But the police refused to listen and arrested him and took him to the correctional facility for youth! To the police there us only one way to deal with the mentally ill-- arrest them and take them to jail! That does absolutely no good except to make matters worse. I have read where the police have arrested autistic children as young as four and took them to jail! God damn it. THIS IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. MAINLY IT INCREASES THEIR ANXIETY LEVELS TO AN EVEN MORE CRITICAL LEVEL. IT TEACHES THEM NOT TO TRUST THE AUTHORITIES! THIS LEAVES THESE SPECIAL CHILDREN SCARED MENTALLY.

I am very angry and very upset. I know with my own battles with mental illness never trust the present system to provide any help what so ever. This needs to change! Nothing really changed from the time of my own youth to now! No, wait! There is something that changed. The funding for mental illnesses programs has been cut to next to nothing. It seems to me that the authorities and the system refuse to believe in mental illness. I don't know. Maybe they still believe the person is afflicted with demons! I know the last time I sought help from the system, all I was told was all I needed was to attend church. What kind of help is that to a person on the verge of a mental breakdown because of the treatment he received at a church? Also in the state of Indiana, only people with a Social Worker degree can council the mentally ill, and they are not required to take any psychology classes.

The system is broken across the country. Something needs to be done to fix it and quick! You may not know me or my friends and may not care about us! But imagine if it was you and your children being treated this way?

#mentalillness

#brokensystem

#socialcommentary

Cathy Davidson, Adriel Davidson

[barnowl98]

AYYYY I’m going to share my mental health story

I was watching a thing on youtube about someone who was sharing their story, and I decided I wanted to do that too. This may contain triggers, but if you do decide to read it, read it all the way through. 

You should know that I’ve only ever told a few people about this, I’ve never told any of my friends off the internet, or my parents, and it should be noted that I HAVE NOT TALKED TO NOR AM I A PROFESSIONAL. I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN PROFESSIONAL HELP AND IF YOU ARE CAN RELATE TO ANY OF THIS STUFF GET HELP, TRUST ME I WISH I HAD BUT THERE WERE OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL AND A LOT THAT I KNOW NOW THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THEN. SERIOUSLY, IT CAN’T HURT SO JUST DO IT.

But seriously, it’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I can share this, and even now it’s only on a somewhat anonymous post where no one I actually know will ever find it. 

Now that I’m done yelling at you, I can start. 

Sooo... the first thing that should be known is that one of my family members is borderline (actually maybe not even borderline, they may have crossed that line but I don’t know) abusive, not physically, but mentally. I’ve been told I’m worthless, ugly, useless, never going to be happy, my whole life. I’m overweight, and always have been. When I was 9 this person tried to convince me to basically not eat anything, and I almost bought their argument until they told me I would never be happy if I was fat. 

When I was little I would write short cute stories, and as far as I remember they weren’t bad, and when I let this person read them, they would always laugh. I thought they were laughing at the stories.       Turns out they were laughing at my spelling mistakes. I found out when I asked them to read my essay for school. They laughed at it. It wasn’t funny. I told them I wanted to be an author when I grew up. They told me I could never be an author because I was to fat. Thats when I stopped worrying about my weight. That statement, that I couldn’t write because I was fat, was just so BS that even I could tell it wasn’t true. 

But the thing is: if someone tells you these things, every few days, for years, you start to wonder if they’re right. Especially if this is an authority figure. I promised myself then that I was going to prove them wrong. I still am working on that promise. I write as much as I want, and I do what makes me happy, and the day after I can consider myself happy is the day I start a diet. Is it physically healthy? No. But as I’ve grown I realized that even before I knew what mental health was, I was putting it first. Its more important to be happy than it is to be happy. 

Anyway thats that part of the basic info. The other part is that in elementary school I had a best friend. We became friends in first grade, and by 4th we were nearly inseparable. Except that apparently she wanted nothing to do with me. I don’t know what happened. She won’t tell me. Did I say something or do something? I still don’t know. All I know is that one day we were fine and the next day on the playground she told me not to talk to her again. 

I don’t know, maybe its just my kind of personality, but that completely destroyed me. Like its one thing if you don’t like me because of something, but to go from being my best friend to nothing with no explanation... I still don’t know what I did, and that still bothers me. Now I’ve guessed that it was probably peer pressure since all the other girls in our class came to me 3 days later and told me they also wanted nothing to do with me. But I didn’t really care about them, they were only my friends because of her, but I do remember sitting on the playground when they told me all of they're little speech and I just remember crying and asking why. I said why so many times. They wouldn’t answer. After that I was left with one guy who also didn’t understand what was going on, and he pretty much saved my life the first time. He made it a goal to make sure I smiled every day. And I did because of him, but I also started into depression and social anxiety.

 About a month after the end of our friendship, this girl comes back and thinks we can go back to being best friends, and I was like Bitch excuse you? But also I couldn’t talk to her. I didn’t know it then, but now its completely obvious. I had anxiety attacks when I tried to talk to her. 2 times I actually blacked out. I don’t think i fainted, but I remember being terrified when one second I was trying to talk to her, and the next thing I know I’m in a completely different place, but I have no memory of what happened, just a sense that time had passed. Its fucking terrifying, especially if you don’t know what’s happening. 

But this girl, she doesn’t give up. We wrote notes back and forth for 2 years. She always insisted that she did want to be friends again and she was sorry for what happened. She never told me why though, and thats most of why it took 2 years. When I finally was able to talk to her again we became pretty close friends again. By then I had made friends with another girl, and the boy I had been friends with kind of headed towards hanging out with other guys. It was middle school, girls had cooties again. This other girl deserves a name because she literally saved me. But since I don’t have her permission, we’ll just call her Ash. Ash, “Her” and I were friends for a while, and it was great. That year I also got invited to a leadership conference in Washington DC for a week (which, side note, I think I had a nightmare that they were trying to sue me over the events that happened that I will now describe, so I’m going to be very careful about not mentioning the name. Don’t sue me, none of this is my fault.) So that spring I got on a plane with my aunt and went to WA DC. The conference thing was great. I got to see lots of places and we went all over and learned lots. The food was not great, so I didn’t really eat. I thought it was ok to skip eating so much since I was overweight. I WAS WRONG DO NOT EVER THINK THAT’S OK YOUR BODY THINKS ITS STARVING AND GOES INTO SURVIVAL MODE AND ACTUALLY WON’T LET YOU LOOSE ANY WEIGHT AND MAKES YOUR BRAIN NOT WORK RIGHT AND SUCH. This was just one of the factors. Another was my roommates. We were assigned rooms in groups of 4 with other kids from around the country. I should mention that this trip was kind of expensive, and I was lucky to raise the money to go, but almost everyone else there was rich. I got roomed with 2 rich... I’m just going to say it. Bitches. Fuck them. I’m getting ahead of myself. The other girl was like eh whatever I’m going to sleep. The 2 girls decided that instead of like just sleeping or whatever, it’d be fun to make my life living hell for the week. Now I’d been bullied at my school. I mean the best example is all the girls from the previous story shunning me. But the thing about my school is that they don’t do the bullying directly to the face. They might whisper behind your back, but they would never say it to your face. These girls were not that kind. They stole my stuff, they wouldn’t leave me alone, they kept watching tv so loud I couldn’t sleep till midnight or 1AM. Thats on top of jet lag. They bullied me into not asking for a room change. Finally on the Thursday of that week, I locked myself in the bathroom with my phone. I was crying and hyperventilating, I couldn’t move but I couldn’t stand to stay still. It was terrible. 

That was the point. We were in a room on the 8th floor. There was a window. I wanted to end it all. I didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to stop existing forever. 

But there was this tiny voice in my head begging me to try to get help. I had 2 friends, The girl and Ash, and Ash was kind of known for not being the most reliable person and little more happy go lucky, not really the kind of person that would help in this kind of a situation. This girl was reliable right? Seriously, what happened before was just so out of character for her, theres no way she would leave me literally on the edge. Right? 

I called her. She answered. I was mid anxiety attack and couldn’t really make words, i was just sort of crying into the phone. She didn’t even listen or ask me if I was ok. She yelled at me for calling her so late at night, and she hung up. I called again. I texted her. I told her I needed to talk to her, I told her what was happening. I told her I wanted to say goodbye. 

I decided to call Ash, just as a last resort. And I will tell you one thing about Ash. She has a slytherin exterior and persona, but on the inside she is a hufflepuff. She is the most loyal friend I’ve ever had, and she was ready to kill whoever hurt me. She let me talk to her mom, and she got grounded for a month for being on her phone at night, but she also didn’t care about those things. She cussed out the girls in my room for me. She stayed on the phone with me till morning to make sure I got the rest of the night to sleep. She made sure I was ok. 

And like I wasn’t. I’m still not that ok. I’m still crying even thinking about it. And the other girl? She still gives me anxiety attacks. I avoid her at all costs. Shes not a bad person, in fact I we have a lot of common interests. There was a reason we were such good friends. Now she works in my bank, and I have to go talk to her sometimes, and I always leave the bank on the verge of an anxiety attack. 

And Ash and I aren’t really friends anymore we kind of went into different branches in high school, but I will always be thankful for her. She always has a place in my heart. 

I want to say more about how all this has effected me but honestly I’m exhausted rn. What happened made me who I am, but I think I’d like to change that bit if I could. Its ok to have regrets. Its ok to have problems. Take care of them. Take care of yourself. You will be ok, even if it doesn’t seem like it now, and it will take time. You won’t be ok next week, or next month, or maybe even next year. Maybe not 10 years from now. But eventually one day you’ll think back and realized that hey, you’re ok. Its ok. And then you can let it go. And thats ok. Everythings ok in the end. I love you. Its late and night. I’m going to sleep now. Seriously, I love you, especially if you think no one else does. I would love to talk to anyone who I can, but tbh find a professional, I’m just a young adult who doesn’t know anything and I tend to mother hen ppl with problems and thats not good for my choice to put my happiness first, and also I don’t consistently get tumblr messages, but there are plenty of free emergency health lines, some even that you can text to, so google one up and get help. Seriously, its worth finding help. Your life is worth it. I promise. 

Sorry for spelling mistakes there are a lot of red squiggly lines but idc rn