#you forget the hell afterwards and only remember the cute and lovey parts

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 43

Oh, my sweet chili babies, today has been A DAY. I told you yesterday how I got two two-week old kittens, my first of the season. It was very exciting and not too stressful, two week kittens usually go 3-4 hours between feeds, so there is some opportunity for sleeping, and with a pair, feeds typically don't take too long. Sweet adorable kittens, relatively basic bottlefeeding, no problem, right? I did a feed at 1am, a feed at 5am, and set my alarm for 9am. 

A little before eight this morning, I woke up because my phone was blowing up, enough that the vibrating woke me even though the sound was off. My TNR group chat was in a frenzy because a person called our coordinator about a local feral who'd started having kittens on her porch, but then the woman had gone outside, scared the shit out of Mama, and long story short, the cat was running around the yard screaming, with a kitten hanging half out. Not ideal! By the time I caught up with things, two of our trappers were out there but Mama had hit the road, leaving behind one dead kitten, presumably the one she'd had the trouble with, and one alive kitten, placenta still attached, still wet from birth. I talked them through drying and warming the kitten, separating the placenta, etc, all with my brain at about 70% function. It became clear fairly quickly that the mama was not coming back, at least not any time soon, and the baby was getting hungry, so something had to be done. 

I am the only bottlefeeder at our rescue who regularly handles days-old kittens, but even for me, this was a new record. The  other trappers brought him to me, cradled in one's cupped hands, held close to the heating vent. They named him "You're Killin' Me, Smalls," or Smalls for short. He weighed 81 grams at his first feeding, slightly less than two packs of gum, but he was fully furred (full fur means full-term kitten) and rooting energetically. He suckled on the syringe, all good signs for his prognosis, but newborn kittens are shockingly fragile. Smalls needs two hour feeds, all through the day and night. 

After I fed Smalls, I had to separate Amy and Rosa because Amy was exhibiting sibling suckling behavior, which is maladaptive instinct that makes a kitten suckle on anything catlike nearby. Not that bad if it's a blanket or a stuffed toy, but can be very damaging if it is a sibling. So I got out a whole other set of carrier, towels, stuffed toy, heating pad, and set up a second kitten setup. Then I had to feed the girls. They both still have food-change diarrhea, and it was not getting any better. I texted with our vet tech, who suggested more frequent, smaller meals. So all the kittens went onto two hour feeds. 

I realized in the afternoon that I was going to need more kitten formula sooner than I expected, so I went to the pet store by my house. Nobody there, neither customers nor staff, were wearing masks or distancing. Lovely. And they didn't even have KMR, just its cut-rate cousin, PetLac. If I wanted soy formula, I could've gotten it a lot cheaper at Walmart, since it's all they sell. In the parking lot, I got a call from the rescue coordinator. I told her I was having trouble finding KMR. She told me she had a brand new can for me, and also another kitten. A what? I basically asked. Apparently Rosa and Amy had a sibling who somehow got mixed in with the TWENTY FIVE OTHER KITTENS that this farm owner had brought in today. Also, a lot of the kittens were way younger than advertised, which is a big problem when you have three bottlefeeders and twenty bottlefeedees. So I took the can, and the kitten, and that's how I ended up with Jake! 

Jake is a weird puzzle that I haven't figured out yet. He's sick with something, probably something respiratory since he has serious eye goopies, but no other discharge yet. He also seems to loathe being alive. He hates the bottle, he hates the syringe, he hates milk, he hates being weighed or washed. He expresses his hatred by twisting his tiny body in such a way as to attempt to hurl himself into the void and to the ground far below. Once he is in the carrier with Rosa he settles down, but it literally takes twenty minutes to get a teaspoonful of milk into him. The girls aren't much better, honestly, and Smalls is pretty slow but he has the excuse of being zero days old. My four kittens need to be fed every two hours and feeding them takes an hour. It's going to be a long, long week. 

Anyway, I'm going to lay down for an hour and contemplate the hubris of wishing for kittens even though I knew I'd be punished for it. At least they are cute and extremely fluffy, and if I can just keep them alive it will all be worth it. If anybody would like to contribute to the effort, I have an Amazon Wishlist of kitten supplies right here. I especially need Breeders Edge powder, it's expensive but everyone I've talked to says it is the best thing for food change diarrhea. Here's hoping, cause I've gotten pooped on A. Lot today. 

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Ninth Letter

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To: Kim Mingyu

From: Y/N

Dear Mingyu, are you doing well?

Well, we don't see each other often anymore so I'm always wondering that. We used to always bump into each other at the grocery store or the mall. Now, I don't even see you anywhere.

I don't blame you for it. Now that we've broken up, I can feel your love. The love that you gave me when we were together still lingers. I haven't forgotten about you yet. Do you know why? It's because I'm convinced. I still love you.

These days, even after breaking up with you, I still think back on our sweet moments. I stayed up late a few days ago, just thinking back on our relationship and how far in love we were.

Before I go to sleep, I always feel the empty space beside my bed for you. You came by to my dormitory whenever you had the chance and would sleep in my bed because you said you missed me. Thank God my dormitory allowed visitors because if it didn't, we would have seen each other even less.

Even if I was just working on school assignments on my laptop, you would crawl beside me and sleep. Sometimes, no, every time, I couldn't stop myself from messing up your soft hair. You didn't want to bother me and just wanted to be by me so you slept, right?

Well, you sleeping was just as big of a distraction.

I promised to tell you on your birthday when and why I fell for you. Today is your birthday. April 6th.

I'll tell you, in this letter.

It wasn't on the first day that I began working at the cafe with you that I fell for you. I started working at the cafe in the middle of summer break for more money and you were my senior. You know how hard it was for me. I needed money for living expenses and my father was hospitalized for cancer.

I'll get back to the subject. I started falling in love with you because...well, you were you. Your personality, just the way you were made me gradually fall for you. You made my heart flutter and race with your gentle and caring actions. You were also funny and kind and clumsily cute.

Before I met you, I was battling a small heartbreak. I lost one of my friends because I liked them romantically. I was going to push myself away from love because you know, loving me is like a curse. I didn't want to fall in love again but then you... I met you.

At first, I was growing a bit suspicious of you? I was starting to think that you liked me when you always hovered over me and lingered behind me. You also held my hand frequently to ‘help’ me.

I didn't think much of it until I saw your eyes and smile. I always thought that I fell in love way too easily but I don't know how I was able to resist you. That's when your indirect back hugs began to make my heart pound.

Summer break was almost over and I became sure of my feelings the more that I hung out with you. We would also coincidentally meet each other at the grocery store, food markets, and malls, and we were able to hang out together that way too. Shopping with you was fun and memorable.

Since summer break was coming to an end, I didn't want to go back to college with a lump in my chest. I just felt like I should tell you about my feelings while not expecting us to date.

So, that's how I asked you out.

I made sure that it was only us in the kitchen of the cafe. I was pretty confident that you liked me back but I still wanted to ask.

We were washing dishes when I said, “Mingyu, I like you. What do you think of me?”

“You? Of course, I like you too.”

I won't lie, the answer got me a bit disappointed at first, but then you kissed me softly on the lips afterward and made me realize otherwise.

I liked the romance we had. There was no one to tell us apart. At work, when we were alone, you would become all lovey-dovey with me, sneaking kisses and grabbing my hand. I liked it. It gave me this feeling of... Youthful romance?

With you, I was able to overcome everything hard. College was kicking me constantly but I was always excited to come to work. I was always excited for the weekend because we could just lay in each other's arms. We would go on classic dates, holding hands, walking. Mingyu, it was because of you that I was able to smile.

You even visited my father with me, bringing delicious foods that you made yourself. Do you know how grateful I am for that? I always thanked you but I am truly thankful. My dad liked you a lot and wanted to see you often. Seeing you two get along made me happy.

I was really happy but of course, the curse had to strike and everything we built had to come tumbling down.

We didn't last long enough to even celebrate your birthday, which is regretful. I actually already had a gift for you, a nice watch because you recently broke yours, but I guess I can't give it to you. Maybe I'll slip the watch in the envelope with this letter.

I know for you, it'd be hard to believe what I'm about to say but please, believe me. I was cowardly and because I didn't want to hurt you more in the future, I made that decision.

Mingyu, I know I still love you.

Maybe there was a chance that we would break through and not drift apart but to me, that's nothing but assumptions and I don't want to get ahead of myself.

College is tough and I'm sure you understand that. After I got fired from the cafe, I knew that I wouldn't be able to see you that much anymore. Plus, you also know that I started taking more part-time jobs to pay for my father's hospital bills and my own living. We both needed money just as much as we needed each other.

Maybe if I made the decision of ignoring that guy, I wouldn't have gotten fired; but I couldn't stand it. I saw you too, clenching your fist as you watched, I just got to the guy before you did. I mean, how could he so publicly harass one of the waitresses? I was so angry and got out of control, so I threw a milk bottle at him. I don't know if I should regret that choice.

I don't want you to think that you were nothing but filler, something to fill in my romance cravings amidst my hectic schedules. I truly loved you and I know that because I feel it. I can feel this strong desire to stay with you, see you smile, spend time with you...

And if you read this letter, you might ask, “Then why did you break up with me if you felt like that?”

Well, I didn't want to become a burden.

The day was already gloomy and the weather said it was going to rain. I asked to meet up and when you rushed over, I could tell that you already knew what was coming.

I don't have enough time for love. My weekends became bombarded with part-time jobs so I was rarely at the dormitory. My schedules became hectic and school just made it harder for us to see each other.

It was beginning to rain when I started talking.

“Mingyu, I think we should stop seeing each other; we don't even see each other often.”

“But it's fine, isn't it? Why would we...”

“You know how it is for me.”

“It'll be fine, Y/N. I'll be here for you no matter what.”

I shook my head.

“Let's just break up.”

I don't know what was going on in your head but I'm sure you were angry. I couldn't read your eyes and I couldn't tell what you were thinking because I was consistently repeating to myself in my head while holding back my tears, ‘I'm sorry’.

“Why? We can overcome this! I'm sure I can help your father get better. We can live together, we can help each other.”

“I'm sorry, Mingyu.”

I remember you took my hand when as I was turning to leave. I almost cried.

“Why?” You asked. “I know we can...”

“Mingyu... don't get ahead of yourself. I don't want to ruin our relationship because of my problems.”

It was painful for me to let you go. I just gave you my umbrella and boarded the bus. You were too late and started chasing it but didn't catch up. I began crying so much that I had to cover my face and mouth. I'm sure people were looking at me. With rain pattering the windows, my tears flowed.

I hope that somewhere, you have left a trace of me.

I have a feeling that somehow, I could have chosen a better solution for this problem. Now that I'm spending a few days back here at my house, I miss you more than usual. I dream every day that maybe, we'll meet again coincidentally and you had been waiting for me, but who am I to think that when I was the one who ended it?

You've stopped posting on your social media.

Yesterday night, I looked back on our pictures in my photo gallery and my heart ached so much. Just seeing your smile was enough to cheer me up but break me down at the same time.

I wanted to reach out to you today and wish you a happy birthday. I kept typing and erasing, typing and erasing, and in the end, I didn't send any sort of text. Your birthday is almost over and I haven't said anything nor have I given you my gift. I'm sorry. If I do send the gift, maybe we'll see each other again, but at the same time, I'm afraid to see you again.

Your puppy-like personality, your sweet words, your soft gestures, your smile that can light up my world, your everything that I loved, I miss it all. Will time do its work?

Maybe one day I will move on and forget you.

I don't think we have another chance.

You probably feel betrayed that I don't think our love was powerful enough to overcome my problems. Was I selfish? I think so. Now that I think about it, I didn't want to drag you into my problems but I didn't give you much chance to speak. I didn't want to hurt you but even then, I only thought about myself. I guess I didn't want the guilt of having you bear my problems with me. I was selfish and didn't consider anything else.

I couldn't think of any other solution.

If we did continue dating, would it have been better or worse for us? Would we have broken up with bigger scars or would we have continued our love with stronger hearts?

Yes, I was stupid. I'm a fool and I'm sorry. I won't be mad if you resent me because I'm just a cowardly fool. This letter makes me realize that now, belatedly.

All this time, I thought I was doing something right by not taking you into hell with me.

In the end, I still don't know if I chose the best choice for us.

Yours truly,

Y/N

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© serenityseventeen

7/2/21 - 3:17 pm

a/n: I have finally learned the chorus choreography to RTL. It's not as hard as Home or Getting Closer but it's also tiring lol. I need to work more on my posture and angles to make it look good. What should I learn next...?