#young dominic monaghan is just my type i swear

[amsterdammotherfucker]

I copied and pasted my Torque liveblog from a private IM conversation with @playingwithroles just because I wanted to post it somewhere for posterity reasons :P

So they did a cool thing where the opening logo had a motorcycle speeding by noise over it that’s cool

Aaaaaaand the first scene is a drag race because of course it is.

THAT CHEESY EARLY 2000S THING WHERE THEY GO INSIDE THE MOTORCYCLE BLESS

Dude if this movie is intended as a parody of the Fast and the Furious series I will die

White dudebro protag’s jacket says “CARPE DIEM” across it lol

“What is it about driving cars that makes y'all such assholes” SERIOUSLY

JAY <3

SO I KIND OF LOVE THIS

JAY’S CHARACTER IS SO CUTE AND I’M DEAD

OH MY GOD THIS IS SO CHEESY I’M IN LOVE

I’m just waiting for this to go bad XD

WHY IS JAY NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER AGAIN

HE’S SO FULL OF FIRE I LOVE HIM

JUST FUCKING HITS BUDDY IN THE FACE WITH HIS HELMET

Hi Ice Cube I forgot you used to be in movies

HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW WHO THIS WHITE DUDE IS

Ford, apparently, is protag’s name

ICE CUBE’S DOG IS NAMED DOJO

This movie’s soundtrack is bangin

Aaaaaand now we get all the unnecessary shots of half-naked girls at a car wash SAW THAT COMING

JAY’S CHARACTER FUCKING STANDING UP ON HIS BIKE WHILE IT’S MOVING I mean I know it was mostly a stunt guy but WOW

Enter token hetero love interest hi blondie who’s never been in any other movie

Her name is SHANE

HOMEBOY’S A DRUG DEALER???

She’s actually not a bad actress I feel bad for her

I LOVE HER???

If you kiss her I swear to god

OH GOOD ENTER VILLAIN #2 RANDO THAT LOOKS LIKE DOMINIC MONAGHAN BUT ISN’T

Oh goddammit Jaime Pressly you are too good for this shit and what do they have you wearing

I think this rando baddie might be in a poly relationship with both Jaime Pressly and his right hand dude

SMUGGLING DRUGS INSIDE OF BIKES. THIS MOVIE.

Okay, so Ford stole a bunch of bikes carrying drugs from baddie here

Ice Cube’s bratty ass little brother looks like a young Mahershala Ali but isn’t

I weirdly really like Ice Cube’s character even though he’s supposed to be a crime lord

If anything happens to that dog I will riot in the streets

This movie is HILARIOUS

JAAAAAAAAAAAAY <3

I just make heart eyes every time he’s onscreen he’s the cutest

Dude she told you she never wants to see you again, TAKE THE HINT AND BACK OFF

H O W

GOD DAMN IT YOU STOP HAVING GOOD CHEMISTRY I HATE THIS TROPE

Again, this soundtrack is BANGIN

YEAH ICE CUBE YOU TELL YOUR PUNK ASS BROTHER WHAT FOR

Oh you are sooooooo dead buddy

RANDO BADDIE’S BODYGUARD/BOYFRIEND JUST STRAIGHT UP MURDERED ICE CUBE’S BROTHER WITH A BIKE CHAIN

I’m not sure how I feel about this Chad Kroeger looking dude playing Ford, I can’t tell if he’s good or just good for this type of movie

The whole “I left to protect you from my crazy dangerous life” trope YEP

At least they have good chemistry

JAY

HE IS SO CUTE I WANT TO TAKE HIM HOME WITH ME

So now Ford’s being framed for murder thanks to rando’s girlfriend

WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE

ADAM SCOTT IS IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE????

BADASS LADY COP WITH CORNROWS

Ice Cube keeps talking about feeding people to his dog but I doubt human meat would be good for the pupper

THIS FUCKING NERD JAY SITTING ON TOP OF THE DINER BOOTH SEAT WHAT A FUCKING DELINQUENT I ADORE HIM

ALSO WHAT IS HIS NAME

Rando’s entire biker gang just standing in a row pissing on the side of a road CLASSY

Rando is named Henry, what a weirdly normal name

FORD IS NOT HERE FOR YOUR CASUAL RACISM

Just because he’s a suspect for murder does NOT mean you can randomly shoot at him YOU’RE CIVILIANS

Jay: “I love a girl who can take care of herself” CAN I KEEP HIM PLEASE

Shane is weirdly badass I’m glad she’s not just a prop

THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS I LOVE IT

Ice Cube’s gang is called the REAVERS

Uncomfortable Firefly flashbacks

WHAT DO YOU KNOW JAY

TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW

WE’RE JUST NOT GONNA EXPLAIN HOW JAY KNEW THAT OR DID I MISS SOMETHING

Val to Jay’s character: “Try not to bite your lip so much when you think” SAME

JAY BEING ALL “GET A ROOM” AT SHANE AND FORD I’M DEAD

So Ford just CALLS THE FBI AGENT FROM A PAYPHONE OKAY

Adam Scott is fucking hilarious he’s too good for this movie

Ford: “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time” Shane: “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” I LOVE THIS MOVIE

Dalton, right, THAT’S Jay’s character’s name, how did I forget XD

This is weirdly a really cool chase scene

WHO’S THIS GUY HE LOOKS LIKE SNOOP DOGG

Shane WHACKS this dude in the face with a tube thing and goes “you shouldn’t pick on girls” I LOVE THIS

BUDDY DRIVING HIS MOTORCYCLE THROUGH A BUS

BECAUSE THAT’S A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN

OH IT’S A TRAIN

DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER

NO BOYS WE DO NOT DRIVE ON TRAIN TRACKS NO MATTER HOW COOL AND DRAMATIC IT LOOKS

Slow-mo explosion, I was waiting for that XD

So Ford saved Ice Cube’s life so now he knows Ford didn’t kill his brother BECAUSE OF COURSE

DALTON IS SO FUCKING CUTE I’M GONNA DIE

Dalton: “First time Val and I’ve beat you anywhere! Must be the chick!” Shane: “Yeah, stopped for a manicure” *flips Dalton off* Dalton: *impressed smile*

VAL JUST MAGICALLY SWIPING THE CHIPS FROM DALTON

i love Adam Scott so much

NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR CHEESY ROMANCE

I LOVE DALTON I LOVE HIM

BIGGEST MOST ADORABLE IDIOT IN THE UNIVERSE PROTECT HIM

I have no idea what just happened I was distract by Dalton being a cutie pie

This movie is DEFINITELY a F&F parody

DANE COOK???????

LIST THAT UNDER “SHIT I DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE IN THIS MOVIE” A DANE COOK CAMEO

THESE MORONS JUST STOLE A RACE CAR

BLESS

DO NOT MAKE OUT WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING

Ford jumps on the back of Dalton’s bike so they can swap out, Dalton: “I always knew you had a thing for me!” I LOVE HIM

Ford please do not wreck Dalton’s bike

Or your face

THIS MOVIE IS SO RIDICULOUS AND OVER THE TOP IT’S GREAT

FORD DO NOT PUNCH ICE CUBE HE JUST SAVED YOUR ASS

REALLY??????

METH BIKES

OF COURSE

Dalton taking swings at a punching bag back at the garage bLESS

Dalton: “I eat when I’m nervous!” Val: “He eats when he’s horny, too. He just likes to eat” KILL ME

ADAM SCOTT WAS A DOUBLE AGENT

NOOOOO LADY COP IS DEAD

THEEEEEEERE IT IS. DALTON AND VAL NABBED AND ALL TIED UP WITH CHAINS HOW EXTRA

THEY GOT SHANE TOO

Ew Henry stop being creepy right now. His girlfriend’s creepy too

LADY COP LIVES

ATTA GIRL SHANE KICK HENRY IN THE NUTS

EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING AT ONCE

BODYGUARD BOYFRIEND GOT TAKEN OUT SO FAST AND HILARIOUSLY

I’m sure Val and Dalton can fight well on a good day, Henry’s boys are just fucking crazy

I LOVE LADY COP SHE FINALLY DID SOMETHING USEFUL

Oh, no this scene. Shane vs. Henry’s girlfriend China

It’s like every cliche catfight scene ever but on motorcycles

PRODUCT PLACEMENT

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

That was just plain cringe worthy

BECAUSE THAT’S HOW PHYSICS WORK

ANOTHER EXPLOSION

IS THAT ROBERT BARATHEON DRIVING THE BUS

IS THAT FUCKING NICKELBACK SINGING US OUT

IT IS TOO

AND THEY ALL WENT TO MEXICO AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

LITERALLY THAT’S THE END OF THE MOVIE

I enjoyed that way more than I was expecting to XD