#zen3to5+

[zen3to5]

🌻 - scene you enjoyed writing

Any scene that involved Hyde and Schatzi. I can’t remember at this point when that idea first came up for the beginning of Season 6, but I liked it so much I kept looking for places to work it in from that point on.

[thestupidhelmet]

Running gags on T7S remembered by me an others so far:

Eric’s obsession with Star Wars (me, but prompted by an anon’s ask).

“Ow, my Eye!” Kelso’s eye getting hurt (me and mentioned by @zen3to5).

Fez’s desperation to lose his virginity and getting close and yet so far with Rhonda (me).

The latest fad Bob and Midge get into (me).

People, usually Kelso, falling off the water tower (@zen3to5)

People wearing the Stupid Helmet / Having the Stupid Helmet put on them (@springsteenicious)

[those70scomics]

Responses to last week’s Kitty’s Question:

Response from @zen3to5

Response from @that70sshowgoldencouple

[zen3to5]

J/H 5-01: Going to California

Here we go - Season 5!

There's not gonna be a whole lot rewritten from Season 5 - like I said at the outset, my goal was to eventually link back up with continuity here. But there are a few things that need to change, now that Zen's been an ongoing tension since Season 3...

(I also couldn't resist imagining a new opening credits sequence.)

FF.Net AO3

***

INT. VISTA CRUISER – NIGHT   A) The gang out on the road. Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso.   THEME SONG: Hangin’ out...   B) Hyde drives, his arm around Jackie while Kelso sits in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Eric, then Donna, then Fez. Kelso tries to reach an arm across Jackie, but Hyde gives him a jab to the head without looking away from the road, and he pulls his arm back.   THEME SONG: Down the street...   C) Jackie drives, with Donna next to her and Kitty in the passenger’s seat.   THEME SONG: The same old thing...   D) Bob drives, while Kitty and Red cuddle together in the back behind the passenger’s seat.   THEME SONG: We did last week...   E) Fez drives, with Donna next to him and Eric in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Kelso, then Hyde, then Jackie. Eric and Donna lean into Fez as they sing along.   THEME SONG: Not a thing to do...   F) Jackie drives, with Hyde next to her. Donna and Eric cuddle in the back behind the passenger’s seat. Jackie and Donna try to sing along, but Hyde and Eric distract them by kissing their cheeks and necks.   THEME SONG: But talk to you...   G) Red drives, with Kitty next to him and Bob in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Hyde, then Eric, then Donna. The kids and Bob sing along while Kitty smiles and Red scowls.   THEME SONG: We’re all alright!   H) Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso.   THEME SONG: We’re all alright!   I) The creators’ license plate, a 1977 sticker in the corner.   HYDE (v.o.): Hello, Wisconsin!   ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   ERIC jumps over the couch and races up the stairs.   ERIC: Dammit, I’m going! I gotta go pack!   FEZ jumps to his feet and hurries up after him.   FEZ: Wait, let me help! I love putting together outfits.   Once both of them are up the stairs, HYDE moves to the couch. After turning on the TV, JACKIE does the same.   HYDE: Finally.   JACKIE: Yeah, I thought they’d never leave.   They lean into each other and start to make out.   JACKIE (cont’d): You know, Steven, it was really nice of you to get that ticket for Eric.   HYDE: Nice nothing, baby. Let’s skank up his bed while he’s gone.   Jackie chokes down a laugh but can’t hide a smile. Hyde grins back and pulls her face back to his, and they go at it again.   ***   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   The next day. Jackie and Hyde stand in front of an open fridge, making out.   JACKIE: Okay, Steven, summer’s almost over. Now, where is this going?   HYDE: Jackie, you know the rules: no talking ‘til the blood gets back up north.   She considers, shrugs, and goes back to making out.   KITTY enters from the living room. Hyde and Jackie break apart as Kitty’s eyes bulge and her jaw drops.   KITTY: I KNEW IT!   HYDE: No, it’s not what you think!   If she even heard him, she ignores it.   KITTY: “She’s not his girlfriend, Mom.” “She’s not my girlfriend, Mrs. Forman.” Well! (laughs) Oh, I am just so -   JACKIE: Eric’s in California.   All of Kitty’s joy drains away. She turns heel and heads straight back into the living room.   HYDE: Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. (beat) That is so badass.   And back to making out they go.

[zen3to5]

J/H 7-25: That ‘70s Finale

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   TITLE CARD   CARD 1: Eric Forman’s house   CARD 2: December 31, 1979   CARD 3: 8:45 p.m.   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT   It’s New Year’s Eve - the end of the ‘70s. The Forman kitchen isn’t decorated, but it is filled with trays of crackers, cheese, carrots, celery sticks, peanut butter, raisins – any number of snacks and party foods. RED and KITTY, dressed in warm but semi-formal clothes, are in the kitchen. Kitty works on the icing of a chocolate cake at the stovetop, while Red stands next to her, eyeing one of the snack trays. He reaches for a miniature sausage, but Kitty, without looking up, smacks his hand away.   RED: Kitty, for God’s sake, this food’s been sitting here for almost an hour. Do you want me to just go hungry until 1980 gets here?   KITTY: No, just until our guests come.   She finishes icing the cake, sets down the knife, and clasps her hands together.   KITTY (cont’d): Oh, I’m so excited! Everyone, together again! You know, we haven’t seen any of the kids since Eric went off to college. Donna’s with him, Steven and Jackie are so busy in Chicago, and Michael and Fez stopped coming by after you caught them trying Michael’s skeleton key on the basement door.   Red nods with pride.   KITTY (cont’d): And, with the snowstorm, the only one who made it home for Christmas was Laurie, who stuck around just long enough to get her cash present before running on back to -   RED: College.   KITTY: Red, that girl is living with a French-Canadian -   RED: College.   He refuses to meet Kitty’s frown; he has his story, and he’s sticking to it. Kitty shrugs it off, picks up a tray of snacks, and exits into...   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Kitty, with Red right behind her, sets the tray down on the coffee table.   KITTY: Admit, Red Forman. You’re excited to see the kids again too.   RED: I was excited when they left. Their visits, I tolerate.   Before Kitty can reply to that, the doorbell rings. She and Red both hurry to the door.   KITTY: Oh, that must be them.   She throws the door open and finds KELSO and FEZ, bundled up for the December chill. Kelso throws his arms wide while Fez readies a noisemaker.   KELSO: HAPPY NEW YEAR!   Fez gives the noisemaker a toot. He and Kelso grin broadly while Red rolls his eyes and Kitty manages a smile.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   The initial disappointment that they aren’t Eric having passed, Kitty warmly beckons Kelso and Fez into her home, giving each boy a hug in turn.   KITTY: Oh, boys! It is so nice to see you again!   KELSO: It’s great to see you, Mrs. Forman. We’ve missed you.   FEZ: Yes. I am around a lot of old ladies at the salon, but none with your kindness, your way with bridge, or your foxy good looks.   He gives Kitty a would-be seductive glance. She smiles uncomfortably; Red scowls.   RED: And I’ll be none of them have a foot ready to go up your ass.   KELSO: Ah, there’s our Red! C’mere, you!   He and Fez open their arms and advance, as if to hug Red.   RED: Don’t touch me.   The boys back off. Instead, they shed their coats and stroll into the living room and sit down on the couch, helping themselves to the snack tray.   KELSO: All right, New Year’s 1980! That’s, like, a new century! Are we the first ones here? I figured Donna at least would’ve shown up by now.   KITTY: You mean Eric and Donna.   FEZ: Oh, I’m not sure about that. The last time we called them, Donna answered, and when we asked to talk to Eric, she said that Eric was in his new apartment.   Red and Kitty’s jaws drop; they haven’t heard a thing about this.   KELSO: Then she said, “oops,” and we asked, “what’s up with you two,” and she said “nothing,” but it was the kind of “nothing” we always used to say when we broke something around here and you caught us but we tried to cover it up.   FEZ: Then we offered to drive to Madison to console her – sexually. That’s when she hung up.   They turn back to the snack tray as Red and Kitty share stunned looks.   KITTY: Eric’s in a new apartment?   RED: Don’t tell me that dumbass screwed things up with Donna again! He’s had half the damn decade to get it right!   KITTY: (to Kelso, Fez) Are they broken up? Are they moving?   FEZ: We don’t know. We haven’t talked to them in a while.   KELSO: We’ve been pretty busy.   KITTY: Oh – yes. I’m sorry, boys. Michael, is watching your daughter on weekends working out? And how are things with you boys, sharing an apartment?   KELSO/FEZ: Awesome./It’s magical.   They both look up with matching dopey grins. Track in on their faces, and we begin:   MONTAGE. Set to “It’s a Sunshine Day” by the Brady Bunch.   A) Kelso and Fez, looking straight into the camera and walking in exaggerated jaunts in time to the music in front of an obvious green screen of a town street on a bright sunny day.   B) CONVIENIENCE STORE, run down and poorly stocked. A MASKED ROBBER is holding up the CLERK with a knife. Two cops burst through the door, one of them Kelso. The robber keeps his knife pointed at the clerk as he backs up. The cops draw their mace. Kelso is holding his backwards – something he only realizes when he shoots. He hurls back, his can of mace flying. Kelso crashes into the outside shelf and sets off the dominos, knocking every shelf in the building down even as he rolls over them, kicking in pain and grasping at his eyes.   C) SALON. On a busy day where every stylist is taken, a long line still forms for Fez. We track along the line until we reach Fez, hard at work on an ATTRACTIVE GINGER WOMAN. Fez is on the final stage – drying and styling. He sits the woman all the way up, revealing soft waves. The ginger pats her hair in stunned ecstasy. Fez holds up a mirror so she can have a better look. The ginger stands and offers him her hand. He goes in for a kiss instead. She slaps him, sending his face crashing into the still-full sink.   D) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. It is late at night, and the place appears empty. The door swings open and Kelso enters, wrapped around a BUXOM BLONDE. The two of them make out furiously all the way to the bedroom door, which Kelso manages to open without disentangling himself. They start to make their way into the room, but what’s inside causes the blonde to shriek. Kelso, when he gets a look, averts his eyes. The blonde flees from the apartment. Kelso tries to beckon her back, but fails. He turns the lights on and charges into the bedroom. Fez emerges, his fly and his belt open, and he runs around the apartment, chased by Kelso.   E) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. The boys on the couch, a trashed apartment all around them. They each have a keg of beer and a tap. They link arms and spray into their mouths.   F) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. MUSIC CHANGE: a music box rendition of “Hush, Little Baby.” The weekend is here, and the apartment is immaculately clean. BROOKE is in the doorway with BETSY. She hands Betsy off to Kelso, and her baby carrier to Fez, then exits. Kelso rocks Betsy gently in his arms as he and Fez both lean in to make goo-goo faces at her.   G) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. Kelso, on the couch, feeds Betsy her bottle as Fez watches from behind.   H) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. Kitchen area. Fez burps Betsy while Kelso plays with a teddy bear.   I) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. Bedroom. A baby crib is set up, with Betsy inside. Kelso and Fez look in on the crib. Kelso strums a guitar as he and Fez sing Betsy a lullaby.   J) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. The weekend is over. Brooke is back in the doorway. She collects Betsy from Kelso’s arms. With a smile, she exits, and Kelso and Fez smile and wave her goodbye. Once she’s gone, and the door is shut, there is a MUSIC CHANGE back to “It’s a Sunshine Day,” and Kelso and Fez both pull out beer cans. They shake them up, crack them open, and spray the foam at each other.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Back to the present. Kelso and Fez both nod contentedly at the picture of their life. Red and Kitty seem much less pleased.   RED: You two aren’t getting back in here once we’re in the ‘80s.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Last Dance” by Donna Summer.   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   A short time later. The music continues, as a song over the radio. The party is properly underway, and it’s a bigger crowd than just the kids. W.B. and ANGIE stand on the stairs, chatting with Brooke. LEO sifts through a bowl of mixed nuts on the bar with his fingers while Kitty stands behind the bar, making herself a drink. CASEY KELSO walks the floor while nursing a rum and coke, and MR. AND MRS. KELSO, along with several burly boys who can only be KELSO’S OTHER BROTHERS, mingle with FEZ’S OLD HOST PARENTS and PASTOR DAVE. Red and BOB stand off by the kitchen door, drinking beer.   Kelso and Fez, standing by couch, happily take in the scene.   KELSO: This is so great. It’s just like old times. We’ve got Leo, we’ve got Bob, we’ve got Mrs. Forman getting drunk and flirting with my brother.   Sure enough, Casey has made it to the bar, and is chatting up Kitty while she mixes her drink.   CASEY: So I says to the guy, “for that kind of money, what the hell?” And now I’m dancing at the club.   Kitty, breathless, leans on the bar and gazes up at Casey’s face.   KITTY: (swooning) Oh, yes.   Over by the kitchen door, Bob smiles as he looks over the party. Red scowls, but an unusually peaceful scowl.   RED: Look at all these freeloaders. Just when I was getting used to having my house back, too.   BOB: You seem pretty relaxed about it, Red. Usually by now, you’re threatening to call the cops on your own party and tell ‘em the guests are trespassing.   RED: (shrugs) Yeah, well... we’re closing out a decade, after all, and it makes Kitty happy, seeing everybody again.   He nods his wife’s way; Kitty and Leo are happily chatting.   RED (cont’d): And I’ll admit – it’s not so bad, having a little break from all the peace and quiet. But I tell ya, Bob – having the kids out of the house is everything I dreamed it would be.   He gives a small smile, sighs, and looks up. Slow zoom in on his face as we cut to:   MONTAGE. Set to an orchestral arrangement of “Anchors Aweigh.”   A) FORMAN LIVING ROOM. The middle of the day. A clearly unhappy Red is slumped in his chair, clicker in hand. He mindlessly clicks his way through the TV channels, while occasionally looking around the room with a deep frown.   B) FORMAN AND SON. A dead day for business. Red stands at the counter, leaning on the countertop with his head in his hands; he’s bored out of his skull. He looks around his empty shop before fiddling with a wrench on the countertop.   C) FORMAN BASEMENT. Some work has been done to redecorate the basement into a gentleman’s retreat, as Red once envisioned, but that work is limited and halfhearted; a few hunting trophies and Packers merchandise left scattered around the room. Red sits on the couch, punching one hand into a catcher’s mitt, as he looks around the basement.   D) FORMAN KITCHEN. Red, dressed for work, reads the newspaper at the kitchen table while Kitty cleans the stovetop. An empty water glass is by Red’s elbow. As he turns the page, he knocks the glass to the floor, where it shatters. Red immediately jumps to his feet and flies into an exaggerated fit of yelling, shaking his fists, and glaring up at the ceiling. Kitty nonchalantly collects the glass pieces as Red keeps going.   E) FORMAN LIVING ROOM. Red is in his chair again, this time with a bottle of beer. SCHATZI sleeps at his feet. Red takes a covert glance, makes sure Schatzi is sleeping. He tips his beer so that a small amount splashes onto the carpet by Schatzi’s rear. As soon as a spot is visible, Red jumps up, shakes his fist at a still-sleeping Schatzi, and scolds him as if he had an accident.   F) FORMAN MASTER BEDROOM. Red paces back and forth, ranting at raving and shaking his finger directly into the camera. A reverse shot reveals his real target - a PHOTO OF ERIC.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Back to the present, and back to the party. Red shakes off his mental recap of the last few months and turns back to Bob.   RED: You know, Bob, we haven’t seen you over here much lately. How about we keep it that way?   BOB: (chuckles) Hey, I’ve got no wife, no daughter – I’m free to do whatever I want. It’s a busy time for Bob.   CUT TO:   INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM – DAY   A day in the life of “busy time” Bob. He sits in front of the TV with a tray of lasagna. THE LOVE BOAT is on the tube. Bob shovels what’s left of the lasagna into his face with a fork and sets the tray down. He belches and opens his belt. Patting his stomach, he lets out a long sigh. A flicker of discomfort crosses his face; matters are afoot down below. Bob stands and crosses to the bathroom, disappearing inside.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Back to the present.   BOB: (to Red) So, when are the kids getting here?   RED: Ya got me. Say – you haven’t heard from Donna lately, have you? Because Kelso said something about Eric moving into a new apartment.   BOB: New apartment? What’s going on?   Kitty, walking the floor, overhears and rushes to join in on the conversation.   KITTY: (to Bob) You didn’t know either?   BOB: It’s the first I’m hearing about it. Did your bastard run off on my little girl again?   KITTY: Well, how do you know your harlot didn’t dump my baby boy again?   BOB: Don’t you call my Donna a harlot, Kitty!   KITTY: Don’t you call my Eric a bastard!   Bob looks ready to retort, but Red steps between them.   RED: All right, let’s not spoil the new year. Let’s just agree that they’re both morons and give ‘em hell when they show up.   The doorbell rings and the door opens, but it isn’t Eric or Donna. It’s JACKIE and HYDE, both snazzily dressed for the party and for the winter weather. Jackie has an enormous bag slung over her arm.     JACKIE: Happy New Year!   Kitty hurries over to them, Red right behind her. She immediately snatches Hyde up into a crushing hug. Jackie does the same with Red.   KITTY/JACKIE: Steven! My second son! Oh, I’ve missed you./Mr. Forman! Oh!   HYDE: (cringing in her hug) No, that’s all right, Mrs. Forman... no, you don’t have to... ugh, okay, I missed you too!   He gives her a light hug back, which is enough to get her to release him. Red, meanwhile, cringes in Jackie’s hug.   RED: (to Jackie) You couldn’t have outgrown this in Chicago?   She lets him go, just in time for Kelso and Fez to come running up. She meets them in a big group hug.   JACKIE: Michael! Fezzie!   KELSO/FEZ: Jackie!/We missed you!   JACKIE: Oh, I missed you too – (stern) Get your hands off of there.   They let go, but don’t get back in time to avoid Hyde slugging them both in the arm.   KELSO: (to Hyde) And we missed that too. C’mere, Hyde!   The boys have a quick group hug of their own. Kelso and Fez give Hyde a once-over, Kelso fiddling with Hyde’s jacket.   KELSO (cont’d): Man, look at you – new jacket, new shirt, new watch, new boots... the only thing old about you is your face.   HYDE: Well, man, somethin’ told me that ringing in a new decade was a time to break out the nice duds. And that something kept telling me, hour after hour after hour, ‘til I finally said, “would you shut up, Jackie? I’ll do it already.”   JACKIE: (teasing) Well, what’s the point of buying my man nice outfits if I don’t get to show ‘em off once in a while?   She plays with Hyde’s collar.   FEZ: Jackie, you paid for Hyde’s fancy threads?   JACKIE:  Fez, do you know how much money I make, working on TV? I pay for everything. I said a lot of things about those feminists growing up, and they’re still totally wrong about hair and lipstick and how men are supposed to carry you over puddles and everything – but making the most money kind of kicks ass.   HYDE:  Works out for me, too. She always leaves her purse lying around. I’ve never had an easier time picking someone’s pocket.   He and Jackie smile at each other, she “awws.” She leans against his chest as he puts his arm around her shoulders.   JACKIE: Oh! I almost forgot –   She stands up straight, reaches into her bag, and pulls out a brandy bottle.   JACKIE (cont’d): Mrs. Forman, we got you something for Christmas. My mom took off for Tijuana, and she left the cabinet where she keeps her good brandy unlocked.   She presents Kitty with the bottle.   KITTY: Ooh, honey, let’s you and me mosey on over to the bottle opener.   Laughing, she leads Jackie to the bar.   Hyde pulls a small envelope from his jacket, hands it to Red.   HYDE: Here you go, Red. A little late Christmas present.   Red takes the envelope, opens it up. He nearly drops the contents as his eyes bug out.   RED: (breathless) Season Packers tickets. (looks up at Hyde) You know I don’t usually do this.   He throws himself at Hyde in a tight hug. Hyde smirks, pats Red on the back, and gently eases him back.   HYDE: Yeah, they’re from me and Forman. He knew he was gonna be late, so he asked me to bring ‘em.   RED: (pockets tickets) Say, when was the last time you spoke to Eric? What’s going on with this new apartment he’s got?   Jackie looks over from the bar as Kitty pours two glasses of brandy.   JACKIE: You don’t know? We were gonna ask you.   KITTY: (to Jackie) No, we don’t know anything. Have you heard from Donna at all?   JACKIE: Well, we were over at their apartment for Thanksgiving, and everything seemed fine. Then, a few weeks ago, they said they were going to be gone for the weekend and asked us to housesit, and that’s when we noticed all of Eric’s stuff was gone. But when we asked them about it, all they said was, “we’re moving.”   Red, Hyde, Kelso, and Fez step down to the bar, and Bob crosses the room to join them.   BOB: “We?” As in both of ‘em?   KITTY: But only Eric’s things were gone?   JACKIE:  (nods) And then, when Eric and Steven went to get the Packers tickets, Donna asked me to help her with her hair. She was taking forever to dry it out, so I started going through her mail, and it turns out she has a passport.   BOB: A passport?   KITTY: Oh, my God.   RED: What the hell is going on with those two?   Everyone shifts on their feet as worry crosses their faces.   HYDE: This is an unsettling and awkward situation. It calls for beer.   He crosses the room and disappears into the kitchen.   The tension broken, Kelso, Fez, and Bob disperse into the party while Jackie goes behind the bar to sip her brandy. Kitty takes hers in hand, moves to Red’s side.   KITTY: (pained) Oh, Red.   RED: (embraces her) Look, Kitty, I know this all sounds bad. But Steven said Eric’s on his way, and I’m sure he’ll explain everything. And, if he doesn’t, I’ll make him. He knows I still can.   Kitty leans into his hug, wraps her arms around his waist. Her eyes flicker over to the coffee table, where the tray of snacks is now empty.   KITTY: (softly) Do you think you could get the other tray from the kitchen?   RED: Sure.   He kisses her forehead, lets her go. He crosses into...   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT   ... And is greeted by the sight of Hyde standing at the open fridge, SCHATZI in his arms. Hyde is feeding Schatzi an uncooked hot dog when he looks up, sees Red.   HYDE: (beat) Schatzi’s upset about Forman and Donna too.   Red frowns, crosses his arms.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” by The 5th Dimension.   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   The party goes on. Hyde, having shed his jacket, is now talking with W.B., Angie, and Leo on the stairs while petting Schatzi. Fez, his host parents, and Brooke chat by the organ. Red and Pastor Dave stand together near the kitchen door. Bob and most of the Kelso clan have the bar.   Kitty sits in Red’s chair, with Jackie (also sans jacket) and Kelso on the couch. They all have glasses of brandy, but Kitty is the farthest along on hers.   KITTY: Why? Why would my son do this? Why is he keeping so many secrets? Is he worried what we’ll think of him? Because mothers don’t judge – they love. And sometimes get very, very disappointed.   JACKIE: Okay, Mrs. Forman, I know all this stuff with Eric and Donna has upset you. But, on the bright side – Steven and I set a date for our wedding!   She produces invitations from her bag – large scrolls with sealed ribbons. She gives one each to Kitty and Kelso, who wastes no time opening his up.   KELSO: (reading) “Steven and Jaqueline Burkhart-Hyde cordially request the honor of your presence at the celebration of their union – March 21, 1980, St. James Cathedral, Chicago.” (to Jackie) Isn’t that, like, one of the biggest churches in the city?   JACKIE: Yep. That was the deal we made – a big, fancy wedding for me, a “special” honeymoon in Amsterdam for Steven.   KITTY: Well, honey, all honeymoons are special.   She doesn’t get it, and Jackie and Kelso don’t enlighten her.   KITTY (cont’d): Oh, this does sound lovely, Jackie. And of course, we’ll be there. And maybe, while we’re in Chicago, we’ll even get a chance to see you on TV again. We don’t get your show here in Wisconsin.   KELSO: Yeah, how’s that going, being entertainment anchor?   JACKIE: Michael, it’s me. I’m fabulous.   She looks up, a proud glint in her eye. Slow zoom in as we begin:   MONTAGE. Set to “Witchy Woman” by the Eagles.   A) ANCHOR DESK. The entertainment desk for Chicago’s WSNS station, with all the lights down except for a background light creating a silhouette of the anchor. As the lights rise and the camera tracks in, we see Jackie, with perfect hair and stylish suit. She is just a little too aware of the camera as she delivers her segment.   JACKIE: Good evening, Chicago. I’m Jackie Burkhart, and this is Jackie’s Corner.   B) ANCHOR DESK. Another day, another outfit. We join Jackie in the middle of a film review.   JACKIE (cont’d): Okay, so – my fiancé loves Monty Python, and their first movie is funny and all, but I have a question: what was with the coconuts? Could they not afford a horse? Newsflash, England – ladies want to see men on horseback. Even if they’re doughy, bad-teeth Englishmen.   C) ANCHOR DESK. Another day, another story, another outfit. Jackie’s still playing to the camera. Michael Jackson’s album OFF THE WALL is in her hands.   JACKIE (cont’d): Off the Wall: it’s hip, it’s hot, it’s flying off the shelves – but who thought a bow tie this big was a good idea?   She points at the tie of Jackson’s tuxedo on the album and shakes her head.   D) ANCHOR DESK. Another day, another story, another outfit. Jackie’s hair is a preview of the coming decade: the Whale Spout hairstyle, with some crimps for good measure. Jackie’s eyes roll up, as if she could see her hair that way.   JACKIE (cont’d): (scoffs) Like this will ever catch on.   E) ANCHOR DESK. Another day, another story, another outfit.   JACKIE (cont’d): So Star Trek gets a movie but Charlie’s Angels have to stay on the small screen?   She holds up two photos – an unflattering one of William Shatner, and a glam shot of Jaclyn Smith.   JACKIE (cont’d): Look at these pictures and tell me who’s going to move the most tickets.   F) ANCHOR DESK. Jackie is sitting on her desk this time, spread out across it. She is modelling the quintessential 1980s look – big hair, big shoulders, neon colors, and leg warmers. She looks down at those leg warmers, gives her right leg a shake, and looks into the camera.   JACKIE (cont’d): Call me crazy, but I think leg warmers might be here to stay.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Back to the present, as Jackie gives a contended sigh and leans back into the couch.   A clearly unhappy Brooke and an apologetic Fez march to the couch and stand over Kelso.   BROOKE: Michael, Fez just let it slip that you two have been having crazy beer parties when you aren’t watching Betsy.   KELSO: Uh? Oh, no. Fez is just confused, since he’s foreign. See, in his language, “beer” means...   No lie comes to mind. Instead, Kelso slaps Fez hard in the hand. Fez slaps his face back. Kelso stands, and the two of them get into a rapid-fire slap fight.   Over by the kitchen door, Bob joins Red and Pastor Dave as Red pulls out his gift from Hyde and Eric.   BOB: (whistles) Season tickets? That’s nice.   Pastor Dave, trembling, lets out a high, girlish squeal of delight, one that cuts off as soon as he sees the way Red and Bob are looking at him.   RED: You know I can’t take you to a game if you do that, Dave.   Dave, contrite, nods and looks down at his feet.   On the stairs, Hyde shifts Schatzi under one arm so he can put the other around Leo.   HYDE: Leo, man, how’s Grooves?   LEO: Great, man. The Wall? Pink Floyd? It sounded awesome, man.   HYDE: No, Leo, I meant Grooves, the record store. (beat) That we hired you to run when I moved to Chicago.   LEO: I run a record store? Wow, I’m really moving up in the world.   ANGIE: (laughing) He’s actually been doing an okay job. We’ve only had one complaint about a hippy orgy.   HYDE: (nods) W.B., how’re things in Milwaukee, man?   W.B.: Are you kidding? It’s great! Having Angie there in the corporate office is the best decision I ever made. (Angie beams) See, right before I gave her that promotion, I got into this snooty country club. They didn’t think I’d be there much. But now that I’ve got Angie running things, I’m there all day, every day – with friends. And there’s nothing those brothers love more than making white people uncomfortable.   HYDE: Nice.   W.B.: And what about you, Steven? How’s business in Chicago?   HYDE: Flying.   He flashes a cheeky grin. Slow zoom in as we cut to:   MONTAGE. Set to the instrumental track of “Nobody’s Fault But Mine” covered by Led Zeppelin.   A) GROOVES, CHICAGO. THE CIRCLE. Hyde sits behind the counter, a diffuse cloud of smoke all around him. He coughs, waves some of the smoke away, and flashes a grin at the camera.   HYDE: Welcome to Grooves.   B) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. An unseen customer hands Hyde his choice of record from off-camera – SPIRITS HAVING FLOWN by the Bee Gees. Hyde looks up with utter contempt.   HYDE (cont’d): The Bee Gees? You know there’s a 20% tax on crap in this store, right?   C) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. An unseen customer hands Hyde his choice of record from off-camera – BACKLESS by Eric Clapton. Hye looks up and nods approvingly.   HYDE (cont’d): Nice. And you know there’s a 20% discount on rock n’ roll in this store, right?   D) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. This time, Hyde is busy with a lighter: he very casually sets a sleeve for ABBA’s VOULEZ-VOUS on fire.   E) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. Hyde leans back and tips a bag of potato chips. The entire bag showers down over his face, and some of them even make into his mouth. He happily munches down.   F) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another – particularly intense – Circle. Hyde leans in to speak to an unseen customer off-camera.   HYDE (cont’d): Hey, did you hear about that car that runs on water? It’s got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine, and it runs on water, man!   G) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. Hyde performs air guitar to the montage music.   H) JACKIE AND HYDE’S APARTMENT, clearly decorated by Jackie but currently filled with dim lighting and a smoky haze. (MUSIC NOTE: song cuts out.) Jackie and Hyde sit together, their heads leaned against each other and matching spaced-out smiles on their faces.   JACKIE: Baby, I think you’re late for work.   HYDE: I thought you were late for work.   They both sit up slightly, puzzling the answer.   JACKIE: Huh.   HYDE: Maybe we’re both late for work.   JACKIE: Or – is work late for us?   She wiggles her eyebrows, “think about it.” Hyde gives her a short stare, then leans down for a kiss. They fall out of frame as they make out as the montage music resumes for a final sting.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   Back to the present. Jackie has joined Hyde, who has his arm around her shoulders. Leo, W.B., and Angie disperse into the party.   Red and Kitty cross to Jackie and Hyde.   KITTY: Steven, do you have any idea when Eric is coming? It’s almost midnight.   Bob, Kelso, and Fez join them.   BOB: And what about Donna? No one knows if she’s coming to this party?   A lot of shaking heads answer.   BOB (cont’d): Come on, I’m her dad. I deserve some answers. What’s going on with that passport? What’s going on with her and Eric?   KITTY: Red, I’m getting worried. There’s no reason they shouldn’t be here by now.   HYDE: You want us to go look for ‘em, Mrs. Forman?   KITTY: Oh, honey, would you?   KELSO: Yeah, that’s a good idea. (pulls out cop badge) Okay, everybody, line up! We’re turning this New Year’s party into a search party!   He draws focus from everyone in the party, but only for a second; most of the guests turn back to their conversations. Hyde, Jackie, and Fez disperse, searching for their coats, ignoring Kelso’s hand signals to form a line.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT   A thick layer of snow covers the hedges and the yard, but the driveway is clear. The VISTA CRUISER, with suitcases packed and tied on top, slowly backs up into the driveway and parks. ERIC, bundled up for the cold, steps out. He gives a long look around his old home before climbing up on the hood of his car to sit back and look at the stars.   DONNA, also bundled up, and with red hair and a short haircut, comes up the driveway. A knapsack is slung over her shoulder. She taps Eric on the foot to get his attention.   DONNA: Hey.   ERIC: (sits up) Hey. You made it.   DONNA: (nods) Snuck the last of my stuff out of my dad’s house. I’m just here to say goodbye to everybody, then it’s off to the airport.   ERIC: Good. (sits back) You know, I still remember the night you first kissed me on the Vista Cruiser. It was warmer then.   DONNA: Yeah, well... a lot of things are different now.   ERIC: (softly) Yeah.   Donna climbs up next to Eric and sits back too. Overhead shot on the two of them slowly pulls out as we begin:   MONTAGE. Set to “Thirteen” by Big Star. A collection of moments Eric and Donna have shared over seven seasons. Included in the montage are:   A) The aforementioned first kiss.   B) Eric and Donna moving to hold hands over the scented candle of Eric’s 17th birthday.   C) Their dance at junior prom.   D) Cuddling in the back of Kelso’s van.   E) The “Fernando” dance.   F) Their wrestling greatest hits.   G) Shoving each other’s heads.   H) Eric’s proposal, and his slipping the engagement ring on Donna’s finger.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT   Back to the present, and an extreme close-up on Eric and Donna’s intertwined hands. We see for the first time that Donna has a wedding band on her left ring finger. Slow zoom out as Eric and Donna turn in to face each other.   ERIC: So – how pissed do you think everyone’ll be when we tell them that you’re leaving tonight to study abroad in London, I’m working on moving my pilot program there so I can follow you next semester, and – just to put a cherry on this stupid sundae – we went and eloped right before Christmas?   DONNA: (laughs) Pretty pissed. I think Red might finally put his foot up your ass.   ERIC: You know, he actually did that once.   DONNA: Really?   ERIC: (nods) Iwo Jima. He doesn’t like to talk about it.   They laugh again, then scoot together and kiss. And kiss again. And keep kissing, so passionately that they fail to notice Hyde, Jackie, Kelso, and Fez standing by the patio door.   Donna finally opens her eyes, sees them. She sits up, alerting Eric, who flips around and sees all his scowling friends.   ERIC (cont’d): Oh – hey, guys!   They keep scowling.   ERIC (cont’d): So, um – how – how much of that did you hear?   They keep scowling.   ERIC (cont’d): Well, this is awkward. (beat) Boy, I wish there was some way to take the edge off all this.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   THE CIRCLE. Eric and Donna sit together. Eric takes a deep breath.   ERIC: Edge, you are officially off.   DONNA: (to the gang) I’m really glad I got to see you all before I left for London. And I’m even happier that we didn’t trust any of you bozos with the fact we’re married.   Pan to Hyde, with Jackie in his lap.   JACKIE: Donna, I think it’s so romantic that you and Eric eloped. Plus, this way, there’s no chance your wedding can upstage mine. And you’re my maid of honor, so you’d better be back here for it!   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: (to Eric, Donna) London, huh? Hey, Eric, you know what you should do when you get over there? You should find one of those guards with the big hats, and you should see if you can make him laugh. And Donna, you should have a camera, so you can take pictures when the guard starts beating Eric up. That way, I’ll laugh.   Pan to Fez.   FEZ: (to Eric, Donna) And while you’re there, you can spit on the palace from me. The British hate my country. That is why the Beatles can kiss my ass!   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: You know, Fez, you’ve never told us what country you’re from. How about letting us know before the year’s over?   Pan to Fez.   FEZ: Isn’t it obvious? (scoffs) Fine. It’s –   Pan to Eric and Donna.   ERIC: Hold that thought, Fez. You know, guys – this might be the last Circle we ever have together.   Pan to Hyde and Jackie.   JACKIE: Aww... that’s kind of sad.   HYDE: It’s a time for reflection. Like on how many of our brain cells survived the ‘70s. Despite our best efforts, some of those bastards pulled through. But tonight – they’re going down.   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: Way ahead of you, Hyde.   He pops open a can of beer and takes a chug.   Pan to Fez, who also has a beer.   FEZ:  Die, brain cells, die! And you’re next, liver.   He takes a sip.   Pan to Eric and Donna.   ERIC: It’s like – we always have to remember this moment.   Unnoticed by Eric or Donna, Red appears behind them.   Pan to Jackie and Hyde, in stunned shock.   Pan to Kelso, giggling silently.   Pan to Fez, in fear for his life.   Pan to Eric and Donna, confused.   DONNA: What?   Red bends down so that his head is over Eric’s shoulder, giving Eric and Donna a jump.   RED: (to Eric) UPSTAIRS! Your mother’s pouring the champagne for the countdown, and then you’re all gonna get it!   He storms off. Eric and Donna, stunned, share a look.   ERIC: We’re dead.   He and Donna break up laughing.   The Circle is broken. Everyone is laughing now. They all stand and make for the stairs.   ERIC (cont’d): Oh, hey, guys – last one upstairs has to call Red a dumbass!   The dare set, everyone breaks for the stairs. The girls, Fez, and Eric make it up safely, leaving Hyde and Kelso to wrestle it out. Hyde gets a good hold on Kelso and tosses him back before racing upstairs. Kelso recovers, looks around, realizes he’s lost.   KELSO: Aww, man!   He grabs the stupid helmet and starts a slow, reluctant, petulant march up the stairs as everyone in the party begins the countdown.   COUNTDOWN (v.o.): TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!   TITLE CARD   The THAT ‘70S SHOW license plate, now marked with a 1980 sticker.   FADE TO BLACK   END CREDTIS   INT. VISTA CRUISER – NIGHT   The gang, driving to the airport together in the Vista Cruiser. Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat with Jackie in his lap. Behind them is Donna’s knapsack, then Kelso, then Fez. They all sing along to the radio – “In the Street” by Big Star.   GANG: Past the street light Out past midnight...   JACKIE: Boy, we’re good!   FEZ: We’re really good!   Hyde seems skeptical of that claim, but he, and the rest of the gang, continue to jam to the music.   END.

***

Thank you everyone for reading! If you like what you've seen, leave a review!

[zen3to5]

Zenmasters: Seasons 3-5 Hub

Now that I’ve got this blog caught up to the FF.Net entry, figured I’d set this up: the chapter index for Zen3to5. 

As I’ve said before, the goal here is to keep the Jackie/Hyde story active from “Jackie Bags Hyde” through when they actually get together in Season 5, in a way that could plausibly have been part of the show given genre, time restraints, etc. Essentially, I’m grafting that subplot onto an earlier point in the show and seeing how well it works, with as much else left alone as possible.

You can find links to all the fan scripts here, and a list of upcoming titles. I’ll keep this as up-to-date as I can going forward.

FF.Net AO3

Zen 3 to 5:

Season 3:

3-09: Ice Shack

3-10: Fez Gets the Girl

3-16: Romantic Weekend

3-17: Kitty’s Birthday (Is That Today?!)

3-18: Eric’s Naughty No-No

3-20: Fez Dates Donna

3-21: The Trials of Michael Kelso

3-22: Eric’s Drunken Tattoo

3-23: Backstage Pass

3-25: The Promise Ring

Season 4:

4-01: It’s A Wonderful Life*

4-02: Eric’s Depression*

4-04: Hyde Goes Cruisin’

4-06: Bye-Bye Basement*

4-09: Donna’s Story

4-14: Jackie Says Cheese*

4-15: Tornado Prom

4-18: Kelso’s Career*

4-20: Jackie’s Cheese Squeeze*

4-22: Eric’s Corvette Caper*

4-24: Eric’s False Alarm*

4-26: Everybody Loves Casey

4-27: Love, Wisconsin Style

Season 5:

5-01: Going to California*

5-02: I Can’t Quit You, Baby*

5-03: What is and What Should Never Be*

5-04: Heartbreaker*

5-06: Over the Hills and Far Away

Zen 3 to 5+:

Season 6:

6-01: The Kids Are Alright

6-02: Join Together

6-15: Who Are You

6-16: Man With Money

6-18: Substitute

6-19: Squeeze Box

6-21: 5:15

6-25: The Seeker*

Season 7:

7-01: Time is On My Side*

7-17: Down the Road Apiece*

7-20: Gimme Shelter*

7-21: 2120 So. Michigan Ave*

7-22: 2000 Light Years From Home

7-23: Take It or Leave It

7-24: Till the Next Goodbye

7-25: That ‘70s Finale

* = Partial script.

[zen3to5]

J/H 7-17: Down the Road Apiece

We assume that 7-02 through 7-16 play out in this timeline the same as they do in the show as-is. That's right - the break-up, and the reasons for it, still happen. I know those aren't favorites for some fans, as you may recall from my review of Season 7, I’m alright with that story. The execution was sloppy in places, and there are individual jokes I don't like, but I just couldn't justify adding additional episodes to my rewrite list based on those patches when I think the overall story is solid.

What isn't solid is the way that Jackie and Hyde get back together, which is ridiculous on multiple levels. That brings us to this episode, and this partial rewrite that covers all of their scenes...

(NOTE: As with the previous date changes, this doesn't solve anything re. continuity issues, but we assume that, in this timeline, the show has been in 1978 from 5-10, "The Crunge" [going by production order] to 7-13, "Can't You Hear Me Knocking," when it finally changes over to 1979.)

FF.Net AO3

***

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   A truncated gang hanging out. HYDE reads in his chair, JACKIE reads on the couch, and KELSO and FEZ rummage around in the shelves under the stairs.   JACKIE: You know, Steven, it's great we can still hang out. We're kinda like Sonny and Cher. We're together even though we've broken up. I'm beautiful. You're weird-looking.   Seeing them talk, Fez nudges Kelso.   FEZ: (whisper) Look, they're talking. Maybe they will...   He mimes lovelorn expressions, a passionate embrace, and a vulgar make-out.   KELSO: (whisper) Nah. See, with Jackie, on the first break-up, you need a guy friend to get her back together with her man. Same goes for the second, which they’re on now. On the third break-up, that guy friend becomes the new man.   FEZ: (whisper) Really? (to Hyde & Jackie) So, are you two ready to kiss and make up?   Kelso slaps Fez upside the head. He takes him by the shoulders and steers him to the stairs.   KELSO: Okay, we’re going upstairs. We gotta... we gotta... we gotta take a shower.   FEZ: Together?   He seems more intrigued than repulsed. Kelso shakes off any repulsion of his own and pushes Fez all the way up the stairs.   Hyde continues reading, but Jackie looks around the otherwise empty room.   JACKIE: Wow. You know, I think this is the first time we've been alone together since, uh...   She trails off. Hyde doesn’t look up.   HYDE: Yeah.   JACKIE: Well, maybe we can use this opportunity to touch base about our feelings.   That gets his attention. Hyde sets his magazine down and looks right at Jackie.   HYDE: Or we can watch TV.   JACKIE: Great! Oh, I love TV.   Hyde stands, flicks on the TV, and sits back down.   TV (aud. only): Oh, Janie, it's so hard to be in the same room with you, because even though I'm a rough ne'er-do-well, my love for you burns like a fire deep in my soul.   Hyde looks to Jackie.   TV (aud. only): I feel the same, Clyde, and even though we broke up because you won't marry me, I still hope that one day we'll get back together.   Jackie looks to Hyde.   HYDE: What are the chances of that?

***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   Later in the day. Jackie and Hyde haven’t moved from their seats. The soap opera is still playing on the TV; Janie and Clyde are still sorting things out.   CLYDE (aud. only): Janie, we couldn’t possibly get back together. Not as long as you insist on trying to plan for the future, when neither of us can know what it has in store.   JANIE (aud. only): Oh, Clyde, I know that’s just your fear of commitment talking, and your lack of confidence in your own potential.   HYDE: (to Jackie) Is this from that public access station you work at? ‘Cause this is starting to sound like one of those lame romance plays you wrote for your English project.   JACKIE: No. But whoever wrote this obviously knows what they’re talking about.   JANIE (aud. only): You’ve let a lifetime of poverty and rejection beat any expectations for life out of you, and now you’re letting fear and pride drive away your one chance at happiness, you scruffy drifter!   JACKIE: (points to TV) See?   Hyde shifts in his seat, avoiding Jackie’s smirk.   CLYDE (aud. only): What would anyone so young and so swept up in their own fantasy world know of life and happiness? Your wealth and your demanding nature have won you everything in life, but you won’t make me fall to your whims so easily, you spoiled brat!   Now it’s Jackie’s turn to shift, and Hyde’s to smirk.   HYDE: You called it, Clyde.   JACKIE: Oh, like he knows what she’s thinking.   HYDE: Oh, and you do?   JACKIE: Well, you don’t. You don’t know what anybody’s thinking, because you never listen.   HYDE: Hey, maybe if you talked about something other than how to keep your hair from getting tangled up in hoop earrings, I might pay attention.   JACKIE: (beat) That was a segment on my show last night. Have you been watching my show?   HYDE: (beat) No... Mrs. Forman was watching. I was just in the room. For thirty minutes.   He pointedly avoids Jackie’s touched look, keeping his eyes locked on the TV. ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   Is this the longest soap opera ever, or what? Clyde and Janie are still arguing, and Hyde and Jackie are still watching.   JANIE (aud. only): You reckless, immature man!   CLYDE (aud. only): You mad, impulsive woman!   JANIE (aud. only): We can never be together!   CLYDE (aud. only): I’ve never agreed with you more!   Slowly, Hyde and Jackie turn to look at each other.   JANIE (aud. only): Oh, Clyde, I didn’t mean it!   CLYDE (aud. only): Neither did I, darling!   Hyde and Jackie’s heads snap back to the TV.   JANIE (aud. only): Your uncouth manners and run-ins with the law may disturb my family, and may have frightened me when we first met, but I’ve seen the diamond in the rough. I’ve never had a wiser teacher, a more tireless protector, or a more passionate lover.   CLYDE (aud. only): And your life of privilege and entitlement may make you a symbol of everything I rebel against, but you’re not the shallow socialite you claim you want to be. You are the truest friend my stepbrother Alec’s fiancée has, and no one has been as open, as honest, or as loving to me as you have.   While their heads remain turned to the TV, Hyde and Jackie’s eyes flick to each other.   JANIE (aud. only): But you still refuse to marry me!   CLYDE (aud. only): And you still can’t accept what we have now!   JANIE (aud. only): Oh, Clyde, how can we get past this? How?   CLYDE (aud. only): HOW?   Hyde and Jackie lean forward in rapt attention.   ANNOUNCER (aud. only): Will Janie and Clyde find their way back together? Or will they remain forever divided by fear and pride? Find out next week on MOON OVER TIP TOWN!   Hyde and Jackie fall back into their seats, deflated.   Fez bursts out from the shower and leans against the back of the couch. He is so focused on the TV, he doesn’t even notice the jump he gives Hyde and Jackie.   FEZ: NO! Next week? I cannot wait that long!   JACKIE: Fez? How long have you been in the shower?   FEZ: I snuck in fifteen minutes ago when Janie and Clyde had the fight about the nurse. (sniffles) Oh, how am I supposed to find out how to get you two back together now? And who knows when they’ll get to the storyline when you break up again? (looks up to God) When? When is it Fez’s turn?   Halfway to tears, he turns and runs up the stairs. A baffled Jackie looks to Hyde, who just shakes his head and stands to turn off the TV.   ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   Hyde and Jackie are still in their seats. The TV is off and the magazines are on the coffee table. Only awkward silence pervades, until:   HYDE: (sighs) Much as I’d like to let the psychic soap opera do it for us next Friday, maybe we should talk, man.   JACKIE: Why? Nothing’s changed. Nothing but...   HYDE: But what?   JACKIE: But... well, I thought I couldn’t be with you if you wouldn’t commit, but I hate being without you either. I don’t know how we can get past this.   HYDE: (beat) You know, Forman and Donna are doing that thing where they don’t talk about what they are. You know, no labels.   JACKIE: Steven, I’m not Donna. I’m all about labels. Perfect nails, best legs, shiniest hair – that’s just three that fit me like glove. But I also want to know what we are, or at least what we’re going to be in the future.   HYDE: Can’t that wait until the future gets here? Man, you’re still in high school, you’ve just started your show, you don’t know where it’s going, and I’m still new to this record store thing. We’re not going anywhere in a hurry.   JACKIE: Things aren’t going to be like that forever, Steven.   HYDE: Well, until they change... I mean, I’m not doing great without our weekly bedroom tiff-and-tumble either.   JACKIE: Those are hot. (sighs) Okay.   She gives Hyde a small smile, and he gives it back. Jackie takes his hand in hers, then crosses over to his lap. They begin to make out.   Fez appears at the top of the stairs. Seeing Jackie and Hyde go at it, he looks up to God.   FEZ: And they get back together on their own? If they didn’t put on such a quality show, I would curse you!   He shakes his head and pouts, even as he turns back to the lovin’.   FADE TO BLACK  

***

You may recall seeing 7-07, "Mother's Little Helper," on the list of episodes getting re-written. It was; things didn't work out, so it got cut from the line-up. I consider that a failure on my part; one thing about the set-up to Jackie and Hyde's break-up that I don't like is that Jackie's desire for commitment and adulthood, while plausible, only pops up when it's needed for the plot. The planned 7-07 rewrite would've ditched Jackie and Donna's fight storyline (a really terrible running gag) to provide some build-up to Jackie's attitude in "Winter" and "Don't Lie to Me." But 7-07 was the last episode I put on my list. Everything else had at least been outlined, if not in a drafting stage for key scenes. When it came time to sit down and actually work on 7-07, events in my personal life made enthusiasm for one more episode hard to come by. Working, as I am, on a self-imposed deadline for this project, I had to cut 7-07 to press ahead and finish what I'd already planned.

Bottom line - if this section of the rewrite feels lacking, with how little has been changed, there's some reason behind that, and I apologize. Hopefully, what's to come is satisfying for everyone who's been reading along - and I appreciate all of you who have, very much.

[zen3to5]

Ask me anything!

About the rewrite, the show, the 70s, the ideal height for a work table (hint: not the height mine is) - whatever!

[zen3to5]

J/H 7-23: Take It or Leave It

I suspect some of you reading this rewrite are more interested in what happens in this episode than in the season finale. This was certainly the moment of the show I was most interested in changing, and spent the most time on, once I decided to go past Season 5. I hope you enjoy it.

FF.Net AO3

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SHOW TITLE   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   It’s a quiet night in the basement. HYDE sits in his chair, sunglasses off, head bowed in thought over the coffee table. He’s bent far enough over that SCHATZI, sitting on the table, can sniff at his hair. DONNA, sitting on the couch, and ERIC, enjoying a popsicle while standing behind the couch, watch Hyde with great amusement.   ERIC: So, Hyde – it’s Friday night. Weekend’s coming up. The end of another week. Almost the end of the month. The month Jackie said you had to decide whether to marry her or let her go take that TV job in Chicago.   HYDE: (looks up) What’s your point?   ERIC: Oh, no point – I just like throwing that in your face.   Donna chuckles, swats Eric on the arm.   DONNA: Hyde, don’t you think it’s a little cruel to make Jackie sweat it out all month? I mean, shouldn’t you just get it over with?   HYDE: Get what over with?   DONNA: Well, you’re gonna say “no” to marrying her, right? Unless...   She and Eric gasp together. Eric drops his now-empty popsicle stick, and Donna’s right hand goes over her mouth while her left hand grips Hyde’s arm.   DONNA (cont’d): Oh, my God, you’re thinking of saying “yes!”   ERIC: Oh, my God. You want to marry her.   DONNA: (mocking) You want to marry her because you love her.   ERIC: (doing Hyde, to Donna) “Jackie, you’re everything this poor little orphan boy ever needed.”   DONNA: (doing Jackie, to Eric) “Oh, my God, I really am!”   HYDE: Would you two shut up? I don’t know yet, okay? And, if I say “yes,” it isn’t because I love her. Love is a concept cooked up by Madison Avenue to sell to losers who’re too afraid to be alone.   ERIC: Uh, no, you’re thinking of kittens.   He exits up the stairs.   Hyde sighs, sets Schatzi down on the floor and starts fidgeting with his eyeball ring. Donna slides down the couch, closer to Hyde’s chair.   DONNA: You really don’t know what you’re gonna tell her, do you? What, you’re not sure if you want to wake up every morning to – (doing Jackie) “Steven, we need new patio furniture! Steven, I need $200! Steven, don’t forget the PTA meeting!”   She laughs; Hyde scowls.   DONNA (cont’d): (serious) Or are you not sure she should stay here?   HYDE: (sighs) Look, remember when Red got sick, and Forman had to stay home but you were still gonna go to college, and he didn’t ask you to stay? And then when you were gonna get married, and he didn’t show up? He didn’t not do those things because he didn’t want to be with you. He just didn’t want to see you give up on your dreams and ruin your life. He let you do that on your own.   DONNA: What do you mean? I didn’t ruin my life. Radio DJ was the kind of job I was gonna go to college for, and I got that job anyway, so I didn’t need to go. I mean, okay, I thought I would travel more – or at all. I thought I’d get to do more of the writing. Point Place doesn’t get the biggest acts anymore. My boss is a skeevy perv. And I only stayed for Eric, and now he's going away, so...   She frowns, looks off in thought. From the corner of her eye, she notices Hyde staring at her.   DONNA (cont’d): Hey, this isn’t about me! This is about you and your loud-mouthed girlfriend, and if you don’t give her an answer, she’s gonna flood every station in the area with non-stop ABBA requests until you do!   She sits back in a huff, arms crossed. Hyde sighs and bends down to scratch Schatzi’s ears.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY   Breakfast with friends, invited or otherwise. FEZ and KELSO sit at the kitchen table, each with a plate of bacon, eggs, and sausages. Eric stands across from them, between the table and the stove. A sheet of paper is in his hand; his practice teaching notes. He pays them an occasional glance as he tries out a lecture on Fez and Kelso while they eat.   ERIC: “And so the baby, safely nestled in a tiny craft, is sent to safety, and is found by a loving couple who raise him as their own until, one day, when that baby is fully grown, he learns the truth about his identity – and his destiny. Now, you may be thinking, ‘that’s the story of Moses.’ But what if I told you that it’s also the story of... Superman.”   Kelso’s jaw drops and Fez’s eyes bulge.   KELSO: Whoa.   He stabs at some eggs with his fork and, without looking away from Eric, lifts them up to Fez’s mouth. Fez takes the bite and does the same thing with a sausage for Kelso.   KELSO (cont’d): (with mouth full) If church had talked more about Superman, I might’ve paid more attention when Moses was knocking down the walls of Bethlehem to save Noah from the Trojan horse.   ERIC: Pretty great, huh? And UW wants to expand the class’s appeal to ladies, so I’m working on a whole series of lectures about female empowerment in Wonder Woman.   FEZ: She can empower me right into the bedroom, if you know what I mean.   KELSO: You know what I always thought would be great? If you did it with Wonder Woman, but she kept her bracelets on the whole time. And then, if she brought the lasso of truth, she could get freaky with the lasso, and then... other stuff could happen.   Fez nods approvingly.   FEZ: Do you think the lasso would work on I Dream of Jeannie? Or would the genie magic grant her immunity?   KELSO: Did you just suggest a Wonder Woman and Jeannie three-way?   FEZ: Or Samantha from Bewitched.   KELSO: Or Wonder Woman, Jeannie, and Samantha from Bewitched!   He and Fez share excited gasps and dopey grins. Eric looks between them, eyebrows raised.   ERIC: Okay, guys – do me a favor and never visit me at UW when classes are in session.   RED and KITTY enter from the living room. Red gives Eric a contemptuous once-over.   RED: (to Eric) Well, well. If it isn’t the University of Wisconsin’s newest teacher. A lazy smart mouth who just wasted a year of his life sitting around in my basement, and who wasted most of the other seventeen years also sitting around in my basement.   ERIC: “Lazy?” I’ve spent all day, every day since I signed up for the pilot teaching program putting together lectures, reading lists, lesson plans – I even picked out Star Wars curtains for the classroom!   RED: Well, isn’t that great – you’ve finally come around to making some use of your time, and you spend it plotting out how you’re going to “teach” a lot of useless crap.   Kitty tuts, swats Red’s arm, and pushes past him to Eric.   KITTY: No, no. Honey, we are so proud of you for finding a way to pay for college and get started on your career. In Madison. The big city. Where there are concerts and restaurants and laundromats and you’ll never have a reason to come home to your mother. (sniffs) Who I guess will just stay here and die.   Lip quivering, she turns away and tends to a plate of bacon remaining on the stove.   RED: (to Eric) Teaching a pilot class that nobody can make any practical use of and making your mother cry. I guess that’s all in a day’s work for Professor Dumbass.   ERIC: Okay, you know what, Dad? I don’t have to take this anymore. Because I did exactly what you wanted me to do. You wanted me to pick a career – I picked one. You wanted me to go to college – I’m going. I even found a way to pay for it on my own. And you’ve just been a jerk about all of it. But I’m out of here at the end of the month, and until then, we’re done.   He gathers his notes and exits out the patio door.   Kitty crosses to Red, smacks him on the arm again.   RED: Ow! That one hurt!   KITTY: Serves you right. Eric’s right, Red. Would it kill you to show your son a little pride and support?   RED: For what? It’s not like he’s gonna be teaching anything useful.   KITTY: You think the only “useful” things are the things they taught you in the war! How many times since Korea have you had to fix a bayonet onto anything?   KELSO: (to Red) You know what? I bet the reason you’re being so mean to Eric is ‘cause you’re sad he’s gonna be gone, but you don’t wanna admit it.   FEZ: (to Red) Aww... someone is feeling the empty nest.   They both snicker.   RED: No, but I’m feeling like your asses are empty. And I’m about to fill them with my foot.   He gives the boys a cold stare. The grins fall from their faces. They jump to their feet and race out the patio door.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “I Want You to Want Me” by Cheap Trick.   INT. RADIO STATION - DAY   WFPP control room, early afternoon. “I Want You to Want Me” continues; it’s playing on-air. Donna sits at the control panel. JACKIE is with her, in a spare seat she has rolled back against the wall.   Donna turns off her mic, takes off her headphones, and turns to talk to Jackie.   DONNA:  I don’t know, Jackie. I mean, what if Hyde’s right? What if I’ve wasted a whole year of my life, just like Eric? And now he’s going to college and I’m gonna be stuck here in this dinky town, trying to get good music in between farm reports and ads for Benny’s Bodacious Bods Gym.   JACKIE:  Okay, Donna? No offense, but the only words of Steven’s I’m interested in right now are “yes, Jackie, I will marry you.” (sighs) God, why did I open up my heart to him?   DONNA: Yeah, I was a little surprised. I thought for sure you’d just try to manipulate him. I mean, the bitchy stuff is your bread and butter.   JACKIE: You know, I had fake pregnancy right up my sleeve, and I didn’t use it. Now I’m the vulnerable one, waiting for his answer.   DONNA: Well, Jackie, you did give him until the end of the month.   JACKIE: Which is almost here. Look, I thought, “if I really put myself out there, he’ll see how much I love him and say ‘yes’ right away.” And when he didn’t, I thought, “okay, well, maybe he’ll take a couple of hours or a couple of days and then say ‘yes.’” But now I think he’s only taking so long ‘cause he’s gonna say “no.”   She puts a hand to her face and turns away. Donna stands, crosses to her, and pats her back.   The control room door opens, and MAX enters with a stack of records. His long absence hasn’t changed his sense of style or scruffy facial hair. The girls don’t notice him at first, or he them; he crosses the room, sets the records down, and only on turning around does he see Donna and Jackie.   MAX: Donna?   Donna looks up, sees Max. She smiles and crosses to give him a hug.   DONNA: Max? Oh, my God! Where have you been? No one’s seen you since the Steve Miller Band concert.   MAX: Well, after I did the interview with Stevie, I bumped into someone from security. Knocked the drink tray he was carrying out of his hands. He said “wassa matter, you on dope?” And then one thing led to another, and... well, I’m back now. But I’m surprised you’re still here. Weren’t you and your boyfriend going to UW together?   DONNA: Oh, well... you know. Some things happened. (beat) Hey – how did you end up working at WFPP? I mean, was a small town radio station where you thought you’d end up?   MAX: Oh, no. No, I had my wild years, following the tour buses, traveling with talent I managed, living and covering the music scene from New York to L.A. Eventually, you get tired and want to settle down. And it’s a good thing we have going here.   DONNA: But you had your wild years first?   MAX: (nods) And that’s a good thing too.   He gives her a small smile, and Donna smiles back.   Their moment is interrupted by the arrival of the diminutive MR. RANDALL, as stodgy as ever. He knocks on the doorframe to claim attention.   MR. RANDALL: Max! What have I told you about leaving your music recommendations on my desk? You do it again and you’re out of here. For the last time, that Huey Lewis and the News group isn’t going anywhere!   He storms out.   MAX: (to Donna) Of course, not everything about this place is a good thing.   He grunts and exits.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Later in the afternoon. Kitty sits at the kitchen table, enjoying a cup of tea while she reads the newspaper.   Red enters from the basement, a box loaded with old toys, games, and posters in his arms. One G.I. JOE sticks out prominently from the load, as does a CANDYLAND BOX. He sets it down on the island, and the sound draws Kitty’s attention.   KITTY: (points at box) What have you got there?   RED: Nothing much. Just a few of Eric’s old things.   KITTY: (stands) Oh-ho! Seems like Michael was right after all. Seems like someone’s upset that his only son is leaving us in a few weeks and went looking for a few of this baby boy’s things to remember him by.   She chuckles, raps the table with her knuckles, and folds her arms, very smug.   RED: No, Kitty. I’m hauling some busted parts from the muffler shop to the dump later, and I figured I’d get rid of some of Eric’s old crap while I’m at it.   Kitty’s face drops like a rock.   KITTY: How can one man be so completely devoid of sensitivity?   RED: Easy. It was blown off by shrapnel on Okinawa.   Red picks the box back up and exits into the living room.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   Overlapping with the end of the previous scene. The Vista Cruiser idles in the driveway. Eric and Hyde are seated in the patio chairs. Eric looks through the patio door into the kitchen, watching Red leave, while Hyde leans back and relentlessly taps his foot and fidgets with his eyeball ring.   ERIC: Man, can you believe Red’s being such a hard ass about this pilot teaching program?   Hyde gives Eric a look.   ERIC (cont’d): What?   HYDE: You’re gonna be teaching nerd books and Scooby-Doo to college kids and you’re surprised Red Forman’s making fun of you? Man, how is it that I’m the long-term guest in your house, and you’re the one who doesn’t get your dad? That’s like Han Solo knowing better than Luke Skywalker about Uncle Owen being a hard ass about the moisture farm.   Eric breaks into a dopey grin.   ERIC: Hey – did you just -   HYDE: Don’t get weird on me, Forman. I’ve gotta plan out my whole life before the end of the month and I’ve gone through my whole stash.   ERIC: Man, why is this such a big deal? I mean, Jackie’s basically letting you off the hook. It’s like the greatest going away gift ever – never having to see or hear Jackie Burkhart again.   HYDE: Oh yeah, it’s the perfect gift. It’s free, she didn’t have to wrap it, and it makes me wish I was dead. (sighs) Screw it. I’m not getting anywhere just sitting here. There’s only one place a man can turn before making a huge decision like this.   ERIC: Dive bar?   HYDE: Dive bar. You drive.   They stand, clap each other on the back, and head for the Vista Cruiser.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. DIVE BAR - EVENING   A dive so din, dark, and dank that even Bud Hyde wouldn’t tend that bar. A small, disreputable looking lot populate the place, which boasts a dart board, pool table, and a few short round tables, all occupied.   Eric and Hyde enter and immediately make for two open bar stools. Eric sits to Hyde’s left; a TRUCKER is already seated to his right. He doesn’t acknowledge the boys, and they don’t acknowledge him. Eric signals the BARTENDER for two beers.   ERIC: Man, Hyde, look at us. I’ve got my future in college to prepare for, you’ve gotta decide what to do about Jackie, and yet – here we are, about to get so drunk it’ll be a miracle if we can make it home with us and the Vista Cruiser all in one piece. (beat) I’m gonna miss this.   The bartender places two bottles of beer in front of the boys.   HYDE: (to Eric) You know, if anybody responsible we know was here, they’d tell me I’m not gonna find the answer to my problems with Jackie at the bottom of this beer. But you never know until you look.   ERIC: And, if it’s not in that one, it could always be in the next.   They pick up their bottles, clink them together, and take a big swill before slamming them back down on the counter. Slow push-in on Hyde’s bottle, and we begin:   MONTAGE. SET TO “YOU REALLY GOT ME” BY THE KINKS.   A) Hyde’s one bottle is now two. Slow pull out as Hyde, now tipsy, lifts up the second bottle, takes a swallow, and leans against a still-sober Eric.   HYDE: Okay – I made up my mind about Jackie. I’m gonna marry her! I’m gonna be Mrs. Jackie Hyde!   He takes another swig of beer and slams the bottle down. Push-in on the bottles, and cut to:   B) The two bottles are now four. Pull out as Hyde, now properly drunk, swings one of the bottles around as he spins his stool to face Eric.   HYDE (cont’d): How dare she give me an ultimatum! This is my life she’s messing with! She can go to Hell! I will see her in Hell!   He throws his head back, empties the beer bottle down his throat, and slams it back on the counter. Push-in on the bottles, and cut to:   C) The four are now seven. Pull out to find an off-balance Hyde and a now-drunk Eric with their arms around each others’ shoulders.   HYDE (cont’d): What the hell’s so great about Chicago anyway? And you’re getting out of here, Donna won’t stay here forever – what am I supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life in that basement, babysitting Tweedledee and Tweedletard? No way she’s leaving me alone with that!   He and Eric both swoop up their bottles, take a drink, and slam them down. Push-in on Hyde’s bottles, and cut to:   D) Seven is now ten. Pull out as Hyde pounds a fist down against the counter.   HYDE (cont’d): What the hell is she thinking, wanting to stay around here? This is her life she’s throwing away! (to Eric) Would you stick around here for a burnout living in your parents’ basement? No! No, you wouldn’t! No way I’m letting her do that!   He grabs a bottle, takes a swig, and finds it empty. He tosses the bottle over his shoulder and signals the bartender for one more. Push-in on the remaining bottles, and cut to:   E) Extreme close-up on Hyde’s loose, slack-jawed, spacey-eyed face. He’s well-loaded at this point.   HYDE (cont’d): You know what, Forman? I’m a little confused. But I do know that I love you, man. I really, really do.   He leans to his right, and we pan with him as he puts an arm around the trucker and kisses him on the cheek. The trucker shoots him an evil eye, and Hyde leans back slightly.   HYDE (cont’d): Hey, where’d Forman go?   Pan to the left as Eric, now well off-balance, leans in and taps Hyde on the shoulder.   ERIC: Still on your left, buddy.   Pan right as Hyde looks back to the trucker and offers a sheepish grin of apology. The trucker responds with a punch to the face. Hyde just manages to keep his balance long enough to throw himself back at the trucker and tackle him to the floor and out of frame.   Eric spins around for a better view of the fight. He’s slack-jawed and glassy-eyed himself, but still with it enough to pump a fist and cheer Hyde on.   ERIC (cont’d): Whoa, Hyde! You – you get ‘em, man! You got ‘em! You got ‘em! You... you really don’t got him. Wow. This is not good.   He looks all around the room; no one’s coming to help. Eric sighs and picks up his bottle.   ERIC (cont’d): Well, I had a future all planned out. There are worse ways to go.   He takes a swig, slams the bottle down, and leaps into the fray.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “You Really Got Me” continues.   INT. CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT   THE CIRCLE – or a half-circle, at least. Donna sits at the control panel, headphones on – she’s in Hot Donna mode. She sits to the left of the microphone, and Jackie, also with headphones, sits to the right. A diffuse cloud of smoke fills the control room. A stick of incense, propped in a bowl set under the mic, burns softly.   “You Really Got Me” wraps up. Donna flips on the microphone and leads in.   DONNA: This is WFPP, and you’re listening to Hot Donna. (plays bacon noise) That was “You Really Got Me” by the Kinks, requested by Jackie Burkhart.   Pan across the microphone stand to Jackie, who waves at the microphone as if it were a camera.   Pan to Donna.   DONNA (cont’d): Jackie, you’ve been here in the studio with us for about four hours now. You got anything you’d like to say to the listeners at home?   Pan to Jackie.   JACKIE: Yeah, there’s something I don’t get – why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? That’s a terrible location for a seashell stand!   Pan to Donna.   DONNA: You know, you’re right. I mean, if she wanted to make money, she would sell seashells by the subway.   Pan to Jackie.   JACKIE: You know what she should sell by the seashore? Shoeshines. ‘Cause your sandals get so sandy.   Pan to Donna.   DONNA: Sandy sandals... we should start a girl band called Sandy Sandals. (into mic) That’s right, Point Place – you may have just heard the launch of Hot Donna and the Sandy Sandals.   She and Jackie both giggle. But it doesn’t last for Jackie; pan to her, we see her face fall as she blinks away the beginning of tears.   Pan to Donna.   DONNA (cont’d): Jackie, what’s wrong?   Pan to Jackie.   JACKIE: Well, sand reminds me of dirt, and dirt reminds me of Steven.   She puts a hand over her eyes. Donna’s hand reaches over to rub her back.   Pan to Donna.   DONNA: For those of you just joining us, Jackie has been requesting songs from the mix tape she made her boyfriend, Steven Hyde, who she’s waiting on a very important answer from. Hyde, if you’re listening, Jackie is down here at the station with me. So if you’re listening – get over here, give her an answer, and get her out of my studio.   Jackie’s hand reaches over to shove Donna, but Jackie’s laugh rings out. Donna smiles, laughs, and shoves back. They get into a playful tussle.   Cut wide – the Circle is broken. Mr. Randall and Max enter the recording room. Max looks bemused, Mr. Randall horrified.   MR. RANDALL: What the hell is going on here?   The girls break apart. Max sniffs the air, waves away some of the smoke around his face.   MAX: Donna, did you get into the stuff I hid in the Hendrix sleeve?   Mr. Randall turns on Max, aghast.   MAX (cont’d): I mean – what’s that smell?   Mr. Randall clearly doesn’t believe that, but he lets it go, turning on Donna instead.   MR. RANDALL: (points to Jackie) Donna, what is this little twerp doing in the recording room?   Jackie gasps, jumps to her feet.   JACKIE: “Little twerp?” Excuse me? I’m Jackie Burkhart! I’m on TV! That’s twice as good as radio – that’s just science!   MR. RANDALL: (to Donna) Get her out of here.   DONNA: No! Mr. Randall, Jackie’s my friend. She’s having a hard time right now, and we’re working through it together – live, on-air. It’s a new format for Hot Donna – lovers’ tolls and rock n’ roll.   Jackie nods. Max chuckles, but Mr. Randall is not amused.   MR. RANDALL: The only format gimmicks I want are the ones we can sell with billboards of blondes in halter tops. Now if you want a long-term career at my station, you’re gonna stick to the regular format. The princess of Munckinland can cry somewhere else.   Jackie takes a step back in shock. Max, behind Mr. Randall’s back, gives him a dirty look.   Donna looks from Mr. Randall to Jackie, to her microphone and all around the studio. She takes her headphones off, stands, and crosses to Mr. Randall.   DONNA: You know what, Mr. Randall? I don’t want a long-term job here. In fact, I don’t want any kind of job here anymore.   Mr. Randall frowns, tilts his head; he doesn’t understand. But Max gives Donna an approving nod, and so does Jackie.   Donna smiles at them both and races back to the microphone.   DONNA (cont’d): You hear that, listeners? This is Hot Donna’s last broadcast on WFPP, thanks to scum-sucking Mr. Randall, who you should feel free to protest. But you can still find me on the student radio at UW, where I’ll be attending this fall with my student teacher boyfriend. He’s pretty scrawny, so if you see any football players coming for him, help him get away.   Jackie races over to the microphone.   JACKIE: And make sure to tune in to next week’s Jackie on Point Place Public Access! It may be our final show – it all depends on the answer my boyfriend gives me! Ya hear that, Steven!   She and Donna grin. Donna puts an arm around Jackie’s shoulders.   DONNA: And if that boyfriend says “no,” then Hot Donna and the Sandy Sandals get a van and spend the summer touring America!   She flips on the next song – “Lovin’ Touchin’, Squeezin’” by Journey. Mr. Randall throws his hands up and exits, while Max nods approvingly again and crosses to join the girls as they sway to the music.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’” continues.   INT. FORMAN GARAGE - NIGHT   The garage is in relatively tidy shape. Red’s Toyota rests comfortably in the center, and a large tarp is draped over an indistinguishable shape.   Red stands at his work station. His back obscures whatever he’s working on as Kitty enters with a jar of preserves and sees Red.   KITTY: What’ve you got there, Red? More of our only son’s favorite toys? What, the dump was too far, so you’re just gonna go at ‘em with a ball pin hammer?   Red gives a little jump; he didn’t hear Kitty come in. He turns to face her, still shielding his project.   RED: Um...   The garage door ratchets up, and Eric enters. His shirt is torn, his eye is black, and his hair is ruffled, but he’s never looked more alive. His parents have never looked more shocked at his appearance, either. Eric relishes in their reaction for a second, then points at Red.   ERIC: That’s right, Dad. It’s your son. “Professor Dumbass.” Guess what? I was at a bar. I was in a bar fight. And I WON a bar fight! Yeah, Eric Forman and Steven Hyde got in a bar fight, and I’m the one who saved his ass! With moves I learned from – guess where – Batman, Luke Skywalker, and Hong Kong Phooey!   He strikes a karate stance and does a few air chops.   Red and Kitty turn in toward each other to share a look. As Red turns, Eric gets a look at what’s on the workbench.   ERIC (cont’d): Dad, is that my old G.I. Joe?   Red tries to move back in front of the bench, but too late – Kitty pulls the box of Eric’s things from earlier into her arms and goes through it. Except for the Candyland box, everything’s still there.   KITTY: Red, these are Eric’s things you had earlier in the day. Are you keeping them with you in your workplace here?   Eric takes a step toward Red.   ERIC: Dad – you’re gonna miss me, aren’t you?   He and Kitty both smile at Red, who looks like a caged squirrel. He squirms as he looks back and forth, from his son to his wife, until he finally straightens up and clears his throat.   RED: Yeah, well... (to Eric) If you’re back home more than once a month, I’m throwing all this crap on the grill.   He turns back to his workbench.   ERIC: (softly) I’m gonna miss you too, Dad.   A slight relaxing of the shoulders lets Eric know Red heard him.   Kitty steps around Red toward Eric.   KITTY: Honey, did you say you saved Steven from a bar fight?   ERIC: Sure did, Mom.   KITTY: You? Saved Steven?   ERIC: Yeah. He’s in the Vista Cruiser, trying to put his shades back together.   KITTY: Are you sure? Maybe – maybe you drank so much, you – you got a little turned around.   ERIC: Okay, I’m feeling really good about myself, so I’m just gonna leave before anyone says any... not good things, and go find Donna. But first – I may have saved Hyde from the bar, but now I’ve gotta take him to face a fate worse than death – an ultimatum from Jackie.   A gasp from under the tarp startles everyone. Fez and Kelso stick their heads out from under it, with matching eager faces.   KELSO: You think she’ll kick him in the nads this time?   The Formans all glare down at them.   RED: What the hell are you two doing in my garage?   He rips the tarp away. The Candyland game is set up between Kelso and Fez, with small piles of M&Ms by both boys’ knees.   Kelso and Fez look down at the game. They look up at a fuming Red. They scramble to their feet and bolt from the garage. Fez turns around, slides back to the board, gathers up the candy, and flees again.   CUT TO:   INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT   The girls are home. They share the couch. Jackie, looking much less happy, is curled up on one end with a bowl of popcorn, while Donna sits at the other end. Some instrumental rock plays on the radio.   JACKIE: Oh, my God. He’s gonna say “no.” Steven is gonna say “no,” Donna. I know he’s gonna say “no.”   DONNA: Jackie, you gave Hyde ‘til the end of the month. He’s still got time, and I’m sure he’ll do the right thing. Marriage is just a big step, and you know Hyde always waits until the last minute to do unpleasant but necessary things.   Jackie tosses a handful of popcorn at Donna, who silently laughs and waves it away.   Eric enters, head held high.   ERIC: (to Donna) Hey there, toots.   Donna looks up, sees Eric. She smiles and crosses to him.   DONNA: Eric, I have great news! I quit my job!   ERIC: Wow! (beat) Why?   DONNA: I’m gonna go to UW with you. I’m enrolling in the journalism college and working at the student radio station. We can get an apartment, and we’ll finally be together.   ERIC: Donna, that’s so great.   He and Donna embrace and kiss. It’s only when they pull apart that Donna notices the state Eric’s in.   DONNA: Oh, my God. What happened to you?   ERIC: I won a bar fight.   DONNA: (beat) Okay, no, really.   ERIC: Well, if that’s how you feel, I’ll just go have sex with someone who’ll believe me.   He takes a mock step toward the hallway. Donna, grinning, pulls him back. They embrace and kiss again, but Eric pulls back.   ERIC (cont’d): One second.   He looks around Donna to Jackie.   ERIC (cont’d): Hey, Jackie? I got something for you.   He gestures to the doorway into the hall; no one is there. Eric steps into the hall, looks around, and then down at something to the left.   ERIC (cont’d): Oh, here it is.   He bends down and hauls something up. He drags it into the living room – “it” is Hyde, his shades crooked and his lip busted. Hyde finds his footing and shoves Eric away.   HYDE: All right, all right! You’ve done enough, Forman. And I could’ve handled that fight myself. I just needed that guy to be shorter. And drunker.   Jackie stands.   JACKIE: Steven?   Hyde looks up; he’s just noticed Jackie is there.   HYDE: Hey.   An uncomfortable silence settles into the room. Eric and Donna back up to the far wall as Jackie and Hyde meet in the center, a few feet apart. “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John comes on over the radio.   HYDE: (beat) So – month’s almost over.   JACKIE: Yes. (beat) Do you have something to say?   HYDE: Yeah. Do you have a place to live in Chicago yet?   A bolt of hurt crosses Jackie’s face. Her eyes turn glassy as she clutches at her chest. Eric shakes his head and Donna looks away.   JACKIE: (voice shaking) Yes.   HYDE: Good.   Jackie bows her head; she’s already started to cry.   HYDE (cont’d): Is it in Chicago, or out in the suburbs around Chicago? ‘Cause big cities are full of connections, but if we’re in the suburbs, that might be a problem. I don’t want to have to look too hard or drive too far.   Jackie, Eric, and Donna are all speechless. None of them knows exactly where Hyde’s going with this.   JACKIE: Steven, what are you saying?   HYDE: What, man? I’m saying – forget this ultimatum crap. You wanna go to Chicago? Let’s go to Chicago.   Eric and Donna’s jaws drop. Jackie’s does too. She wipes her eyes and reaches a hand out but stops short of touching Hyde.   JACKIE: Wait – Steven, are you saying you’d want to come with me? (he shrugs) But – but what about your job? Your future –   HYDE: Jackie, before the Formans took me in, the only “future” I saw was hopping between stints in prison and abusing squatter’s rights so I could say I wasn’t technically homeless. I never saw a future. I just took what came along. I still don’t have a plan for the future, except... except you. And, since you do see a future, and it’s in Chicago... I want to be with you.   He takes his shades off and tosses them on the couch. With a deep breath, he pulls his eyeball ring off his pinky and holds it out to Jackie, who gasps quietly and takes a step back.   HYDE (cont’d): I love you, Jackie. Marry me?   Jackie stares at the ring. Eric and Donna lean in, eager for more. Jackie looks up at Hyde’s face.   JACKIE: Your eye ring?   Her tone is hard to read. Hyde stirs.   HYDE: Look, I know it’s not a diamond or anything, but it’s the only ring I got, and –   Jackie throws her arms around Hyde’s neck and pulls him into a deep kiss. When it ends, they’re both out of breath.   HYDE (cont’d): (beat) So that’s a yes?   The tears are back in Jackie’s eyes, but they come with a smile, the brightest smile Jackie’s ever had.   JACKIE: Yes.   Hyde gives a relieved sigh; he’s smiling too. He slips his ring onto Jackie’s ring finger and takes her hand in his. A glassy look comes to his eyes – something not missed by a beaming Donna and Eric.   DONNA: (points at Hyde) Oh, my God. Tears. Tears of joy.   ERIC: (sniffs) She really is everything our little orphan boy needed.   Hyde and Jackie both give half-laughs, half-sobs.   HYDE & JACKIE: Get bent.   Even with that sentiment, Hyde opens his arms as Donna and Eric cross to hug him and Jackie in turn. They quietly slip out of the living room as Hyde and Jackie embrace again. Hyde wipes away Jackie’s tears and she plays with the ring. It’s too big for her finger; she doesn’t care. They kiss as the music swells beyond the radio to fill the scene.   ELTON JOHN (v.o.): Hold me closer, tiny dancer Count the headlights on the highway Lay me down in sheets of linen You had a busy day today...   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. FORMAN GARAGE - NIGHT   Fez and Kelso, back at their game. The lights are all out and the tarp is gone; they sit on the ground in the dark, playing by the light of a flashlight Kelso shines down on the board.   RED (v.o.): I’m coming into the garage.   The boys jump up. Kelso shuts off the light. The screen goes black. We hear frantic footsteps and a loud crash.   FEZ (v.o.): Ai!   END.

[zen3to5]

J/H 5-02: I Can’t Quit You, Baby

This episode was always going to need some adjusting in a timeline where Zen kept going after "Jackie Bags Hyde," and it was a lot of fun to write. It's another partial script, and context should be clear on each scene for those familiar with the episode. It's also a continuation of a goal I had from the Season 4 finale - playing in more to Hyde's eventual paranoia about how committed Jackie is.

FF.Net AO3

***

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   Alone in the basement, HYDE and JACKIE lie across the couch, making out. From behind the door, in the stairwell, FEZ’s voice wafts through, singing.   FEZ (v.o.): Oh, say can you see... Oh, say can you see...   Hearing Fez, Hyde and Jackie freeze up.   HYDE: What the hell?   JACKIE: Fez!   She gives him a push upright and sits up herself. They straighten out and settle on opposite ends of the couch just as Fez enters the basement.   FEZ: Oh, say can you see... (beat) Wait a second. You two look sweaty and guilty. Have you been eating my candy?   JACKIE: What candy?   FEZ: I didn’t say candy. And I certainly don’t have any candy hidden in the garage. (beat) I will be in the garage.   He turns around and heads back out the door.   JACKIE: (sighs) Steven, that was way too close. You need to learn to keep your hands off me.   HYDE: Me? You’re the one who can’t keep her tongue to herself.   JACKIE: Look, this isn’t going to stay a secret if you can’t control yourself, so shape up.   HYDE: You know what your problem is? You’re really cute, so no one ever told you to shut your pie-hole.   JACKIE: (beat) You think I’m cute?   HYDE: Shut your pie-hole!   Insult notwithstanding, they throw themselves at each other and get back at it.

MAIN CREDITS   ***   EXT. BASEMENT STAIRWELL - NIGHT   ERIC and DONNA, returning from the Pinciotti house, descend the stairs. Donna is still in her school uniform.   ERIC: I can’t believe they’re making you wear those knee-high socks every day.   He pulls a face of delight and pumps his fist. Donna shakes her head and throws open the door to:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   The sight of Hyde and Jackie making out on the couch. At the sound of the door opening they both look up, a pair of deer in the headlights. Eric and Donna break into matching wide-eyed grins.   DONNA: What the hell?   JACKIE: Oh, my God.   ERIC: Oh, the humanity!   DONNA: Jackie!   JACKIE: (to Hyde) Get off me!   She shoves him to the other end of the couch. Hyde looks over Donna’s uniform.   HYDE: (to Donna) Great outfit!   Eric shrugs and nods as Jackie and Donna both glare at Hyde.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   Moments later. Donna remains by the doorway, mouth hanging open. Jackie and Hyde are still on the couch. Eric paces up and down behind it.   DONNA: It happened. It finally happened.   ERIC: We joked. We mocked. We did all we could to make light of it, because the idea of it becoming a reality was just too horrible!   He makes a show of throwing his hands to the sky. Donna is still grinning.   DONNA: (to Hyde) You know, with that beard, it’s like Sabrina Duncan was Frenching Grizzly Adams.   HYDE: (to Donna) Hey, Ann-Margret, you’re the one who came back from California so’s you could make out with Opie.   He stands, paces behind his chair.   JACKIE: (to Eric, Donna) Okay. So, you two are probably wondering what’s going on...   HYDE: Hold up there, Jaq. I reserve my right to remain silent. Good cop, sexy cop here ain’t breaking me.   He sits in his chair, looks up at Donna.   HYDE (cont’d): Though I might have a little trouble resisting orders from that uniform.   JACKIE: Yeah. Look, can we not make a big deal about this? This was just a summer fling.   ERIC: (beat) “Was?”   JACKIE: “Was” what?   ERIC: You said “was.” “It was a summer fling.”   DONNA: Wait... so does that mean it’s over now, or...   Jackie’s eyes dart to Hyde, and Hyde looks to her. They both shift in their seats.   ERIC/DONNA: OH!/WOW!   Eric and Donna both cry out, march around in place, and pull wild, amused faces as Jackie and Hyde roll their eyes.   Fez strolls in through the open door. The first thing he sees is Donna in her uniform.   FEZ: (to Donna) Well, well. Naughty ladies wear plaid.   DONNA: Fez, please.   KELSO: That’s right. Beg for it, sexy schoolgirl.   DONNA: Fez, it finally happened.   FEZ: The Playboy Bunnies are coming to Point Place?   DONNA: No – Jackie and Hyde!   Fez considers for a second, then realizes what she means.   FEZ: OH!   Fez’s eyes go wide, and he beings to march in place and pull the same wild faces as Eric and Donna did. Jackie, unamused, looks to Hyde, who puts a hand over his face.   ERIC: I just... I can’t – I can’t – I can’t – I can’t -   HYDE: Hey, Porky Pig, shut your porker.   DONNA: (to Jackie) So when you said “summer fling,” how long does that mean this has been going on?   JACKIE: (sighs) Since the night you and Michael left for California.   ERIC: Since the night they – what?   FEZ: And you could not tell your friends? Kelso was gone, Donna was gone, I had no woman – Fez went the whole summer without a show, dammit!   DONNA: (to Jackie) Were you even broken up with Kelso by then?   ERIC: (gasps) Kelso!   The grin slides off his face. He looks away from the others, his hands going over his mouth.   HYDE: (to Eric) Settle down, Esmerelda.   ERIC: Okay, just pick a name and stick to it!   JACKIE: (to Donna, Fez) Look, Michael ran out on me before he even left for California. I was so over him. And... well, like you said, Donna, I was ready to find someone else. And Steven was there.   FEZ: I was there too! (to Hyde) You sent me home that night, you son of a bitch!   JACKIE: No Fez, I mean he’s been there. And I needed a fling, and that’s what Steven does. Even though he didn’t have his hobo-beard then.   Fez and Donna, still amused, look to Hyde for his side of the story.   HYDE: (shrugs) She’s hot.   FEZ: Oh, please. We’ve known about you all along, Johnny Cool.   Donna nods. Jackie looks to Hyde, who shrugs again.   Eric crosses to the couch, leans on the back.   ERIC: Hang on, guys. Now, look – joking around is one thing. Attraction is one thing, whether it’s... (points at Fez) A freaky, foreign flame... (points to Jackie) A crazy cheerleader crush... (points to Hyde) Or the unholy pull of the devil on a hellraiser. But actually dating within the group? This is not good, okay? Kelso is gonna freak out.   Donna’s and Fez’s faces both fall.   DONNA/FEZ: Oh, God./Ai!   JACKIE:  And why does Michael need to know?   ERIC: Because you’re breaking up the band, Yoko!   DONNA: He’s right. This is gonna be really bad. (to Jackie) I mean, when Kelso finds out that his best friend is your new boyfriend -   JACKIE: He is not my boyfriend!   HYDE: I’m not her boyfriend! (to Jackie) They just don’t get it.   JACKIE: No, why would they? (beat) Let’s go, baby.   They both stand, and she leads him out the door.   Eric and Donna move to sit on the couch while Fez remains standing by the door.   ERIC: Jackie and Hyde. Batman and Catwoman. James Bond and Pussy Galore’s bitchy little sister.   DONNA: No, this could work out. I mean, Hyde’s been a good influence on her anyway.   ERIC: Donna, he’s taught her the basics of vandalism, carjacking, and breaking and entering.   DONNA: All right, so the curriculum is evil, but just the act of making her think is something. And he won’t admit it, but Jackie brings out Hyde’s soft side. This could be good.   ERIC: Yeah. And, if it doesn’t work out... I mean, we’ve broken up once, and Jackie and Kelso have broken up way, way more than once and we’re all still friends. It might not be so bad.   FEZ: Yes. Kelso might even be happy for them, and not do anything stupid.   They all take a beat to think about that.   DONNA: It’s gonna be bad.   ERIC/FEZ: Oh, yeah./And how.   ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   Once Fez and KELSO are gone, Hyde gets up from his chair, snags “Rolling Stone” from the coffee table, and sits next to Jackie on the couch. Jackie leans in slightly to read over his shoulder.   Eric gets off the back of the couch and moves behind Donna in the lawn chair. They both look to Jackie and Hyde and grin. Jackie and Hyde keep reading, not looking up, but Donna and Eric keep grinning. Finally, Hyde flips the magazine down in frustration.   HYDE/JACKIE: Shut up!   Eric and Donna giggle.   DONNA: Wow. You two are already doing the couple doublespeak? It’s like Siamese twins – but, you know, no incest.   ERIC: Still going with the “summer fling” story, huh?   HYDE: Yes. And this is why we didn’t wanna tell you. So I fooled around with a chick. It’s what I do all the time anyway.   JACKIE: Yeah. And I just needed to clear my head. I didn’t need another relationship. And, if I did, I didn’t want it to turn into Lady and the Tramp. (points at Hyde’s beard) I mean, look how scruffy that thing is!   DONNA: You do know every part of that was in the past tense, right?   ERIC: Oh, this is so a relationship now.   HYDE: I don’t do relationships.   DONNA: Well, whatever it is, if you keep it up, you should tell Kelso.   ERIC: Yeah, or this is gonna get ugly. “Creature from the Black Lagoon” ugly.   JACKIE: Okay, look – Michael doesn’t need to know about this, okay? In fact... we’ll just break it off right now.   HYDE: (beat) Look, there’s nothing to even break off, so it’s fine by me.   ERIC: (beat) Okay.   DONNA: Okay.   ERIC: Good. Donna, now that you’re attending Catholic school, let us go and see if one of the priests will perform an exorcism in my basement.   They exit out the basement door.   Hyde puts back up the magazine, but Jackie gently grabs his arm.   JACKIE: Steven, I don’t want to break this off.   HYDE: Hey, you’re the one who keeps calling it a summer fling. If we’re gonna break it off, let’s break it off now.   JACKIE: No. (nods to door) They were right. This isn’t a fling anymore. I mean, I like how scruffy you are.   HYDE: Man, you were a whole lot easier to deal with when you just sickened me like you’re supposed to. (sighs) All right, fine. Let’s just go from here.   He tosses “Rolling Stone” onto the coffee table and cups Jackie’s face in his hands.   JACKIE: Okay, now – what about Michael?   HYDE: Details, baby, details.   He pulls her in, and they start to make out.

[zen3to5]

J/H 6-16: Man With Money

Continuing the trend of refocusing the arc kicked off by Jackie's mom to actually be about Jackie...

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   A small section of the gang laze around – HYDE in his chair, DONNA on one end of the couch and FEZ on the other, KELSO in the lawn chair. Kelso and Fez are dressed rather “sporty” for just sitting around.   ERIC comes down the stairs, wearing an extremely ‘70s three-piece orange suit with a brown shirt and awful tie. He pauses at the landing and strikes a pose.   ERIC: Well? Is orange my color?   HYDE: If you’re planning on being ringmaster at the pumpkin patch carnival this Halloween.   Eric strolls down the rest of the way, sits next to Donna on the couch. He notices her and Hyde’s casual attire.   ERIC: You two aren’t dressing up? Come on – it’s a cocktail party.   DONNA: It’s your parents’ cocktail party. You’ve never even wanted to go to one before, let alone dress for it.   ERIC: Hey, I’m an engaged man, Donna, soon to be married. It’s time to start showing a little class and maturity at social events.   DONNA: You’re in that suit because my dad’s bringing Jackie’s mom, aren’t you?   ERIC: That might have something to do with it.   KELSO: Man, Pam Burkhart. One time, back when I was dating Jackie, Pam was trying to wash her car, right, and she leaned over and, like, squeezed out the sponge. That’s all I remember, ‘cause I rode my bike straight into a tree. She’s why I’m dressed up.   FEZ: Me too. She is like a glorious golden sun goddess looking for strapping young temple boys. Mexico was very good to her.   He, Kelso, and Eric all sigh and gaze dreamily up to the ceiling.   HYDE: Hey, can we shut up about Pam?   KELSO: Hyde, if you’ve got a better subject of conversation than the finest set of T and A on any of our moms, I don’t think I wanna hear it.   HYDE: Yeah, well, that great T and A are on a lousy mom who ditched their kid, and now that she’s back, Jackie’s a mess. There’s so much crying going on in my room, I’m gonna need a drainage pump or an Aqua-Lung.   KELSO: Oh, like in Creature from the Black Lagoon? The chick in that movie is pretty smokin’ too.   FEZ: (gasps) If you put her together with Mrs. Burkhart, you have the sun and water goddesses!   He, Kelso, and Eric look up and sigh again.   HYDE: I just need everyone to zip it about Pam before Jackie gets here.   DONNA: Yeah, and definitely don’t say anything about her mom dating my dad. Jackie doesn’t know yet, and we haven’t figured out how to tell her.   As Donna says the back half of that line, JACKIE comes down the stairs.   JACKIE: Tell me what?   She sits in Hyde’s lap and looks to Donna, expecting.   DONNA: Um... that Hyde signed you up for ballroom dance lessons.   JACKIE/HYDE: What?   They look to each other. Jackie is beaming; Hyde doesn’t know what the hell just happened.   JACKIE: I can’t believe you finally agreed to that!   HYDE: (glares at Donna) Neither can I.   KELSO: (laughing) Hyde in dance class?   HYDE: Man, you know why they call it a “ballroom?” ‘Cause that’s what they might as well cut off every man who sets foot in one.   JACKIE: Okay, I know I’m going to have to put up with a lot of complaining like that, but I’m finally going to have you out on the dance floor in a tuxedo, so I don’t care!   She throws her arms around his neck, kisses his cheek, and cuddles.   FEZ: (to Hyde) Why didn’t you start the lessons sooner so you could show them off at the cocktail party? You know Bob and Pam are going to strut their stuff as soon as the music comes on. We all heard about their date at the disco.   Jackie’s head snaps up.   JACKIE: My mom and Donna’s dad are dating?   She looks around the room; no one can meet her eyes except for Hyde, who gives a small, reluctant nod.   Jackie jumps out of Hyde’s lap and runs into his room.   HYDE: Jackie, wait!   He starts after her. He pauses long enough to lean over the back of the couch and point a threatening finger at Fez.   HYDE (cont’d): If I don’t drown, I’m kicking your ass!   He disappears into his room as Fez sinks down into the couch.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Mack the Knife” performed by Louis Armstrong.   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Cocktails with the Formans. It isn’t a large party – just a few older couples, spread out through the living room. “Mack the Knife” plays on the record player. RED, manning the home bar, even sings along. KITTY, fresh from the kitchen with a tray of hors d’oeuvres, sets it on the coffee table and half-walks, half-dances over to him.   RED: (singing) When the shark bites With his teeth, dear...   KITTY: Well, you’re awfully happy.   RED: I’m hittin’ the hard booze for the first time since the heart attack, Kitty. Life is worth living again. Plus, chances are everyone here’s getting hammered, so I get to have the cops tow everyone’s car.   The front door opens, and in walk BOB and PAM, hand-in-hand. Pam is overdressed in a rather scandalous gown. They head straight for the bar.   BOB: Hey, everybody. I brought a date! Look how tall she is. It’s like I’m dating the Statue of Liberty.   KITTY: Oh, Kitty, I just love coming over to your house. You have such unique tastes. It’s like being at a giant flea market. (taps the bar) Tequila Sunrise and keep ‘em coming, Red.   Red gives her a small smile, nods, and gets to work. Kitty eyes him; he should have made a sharp remark by now.   Eric strolls in from the kitchen, immediately crosses to Pam. Donna, with much less enthusiasm, is a few steps behind him.   ERIC: Mrs. Burkhart? That’s weird. Golly, I didn’t know you were dropping by.   DONNA: (to Eric) Yeah, you did. I told you she was. And you just said that’s why you were wearing your tacky, pumpkin-colored suit.   ERIC: I’m sorry, Donna. I think you’ve confused “tacky” with “handsome.” (to Pam) Which – I don’t mean to brag, but...   He laughs, strikes a pose, and leads her into the party, Bob in tow. They don’t get very far, however, before Kelso and Fez rush in from the kitchen.   KELSO: Where is she? What’s she wearing?   They join Bob and Eric in crowding around Pam, who seems a little too pleased with all the attention.   Donna shakes her head. Kitty taps on the bar.   KITTY: Tall Manhattan and keep ‘em coming, Red.   Red gives a curt nod, gets to work. Donna and Kitty watch as Pam sits down in Red’s chair and crosses her legs.   KITTY (cont’d): Oh, look at her. (to Red) Would you ever want me to show that much leg?   RED: Absolutely not.   KITTY: (beat) And why not?   RED: (frowns) You set me up.   Kitty just glares at him in reply. She snatches her finished drink from his hands and moves into the party. Red looks to Donna, as if for answers; she just shrugs.   Over at Red’s chair, the boys are at rapt attention as Pam shares a story.   PAM: So that’s when I realized that tapas sounds a lot like “topless.” But, I had already promised, so...   BOB: (to the boys) Ah, she’s got it all – looks and beauty.   ERIC: So, Mrs. Burkhart – have, um... have you ever seen The Graduate?   Before she can answer, Jackie and Hyde enter from the kitchen. Pam rises, crosses with Bob to meet them. The boys disperse into the party.   PAM: (to Jackie) Hi, honey. I was hoping you’d be here.   Jackie doesn’t so much as look at Pam. Instead, she turns to Hyde.   JACKIE: So Steven, I love that new figurine you got me for my birthday. It’s a unicorn, which is sweet, but you stole it out of a rich person’s yard, which is so foxy.   Pam, scandalized, gapes at Hyde; he just grins back.   BOB: Jackie, your mother’s talking to you.   Jackie doesn’t look at Bob either.   JACKIE: (to Hyde) Boy, I hope the Formans don’t need to call a repairman for their stove. I think I smell a gas leak.   She moves past Pam and Bob to get at the hors d’oeuvres on the coffee table.   HYDE: (to Pam & Bob) The silent treatment. I’m not usually on the outside watching it. That’s good stuff.   He moves past them to follow Jackie. They sit down next to each other on the couch and snack. Donna crosses to them, sits on the other side of Jackie.   DONNA: Okay, Jackie, I know that was a lousy way to find out your mom and my dad are dating, but you’re with me now in wanting them to stop seeing each other, right?   Jackie doesn’t answer or meet Donna’s eyes. Her snacking gets faster, the bites sharper. Hyde notices; Donna doesn’t.   DONNA (cont’d): You know my dad’s buying a hot tub now? With a euphoria jet? He said, (doing Bob) “I have all this extra money, and Pammy’s helping me spend some.” (normal voice) Well, “Pammy” sure doesn’t waste any time before she starts tapping the first national bank of “lonely rich guy.”   Jackie, still not looking up at Donna, snaps a toothpick in her hands.   HYDE: (warning) Donna...   DONNA: (to Jackie) God, why can’t my dad see that your mom is nothing but a tramp?   Jackie jumps to her feet.   JACKIE: Oh, you shut up about my mom! She should be going after a cool rich guy, like Jack Nicholson or a Bee Gee. Your Bob of a dad is lucky she settled for him as a meal ticket!   DONNA: Excuse me? You’re saying my dad’s not good enough?   JACKIE: Oh, so you see it too!   She turns heel and disappears back into the kitchen.   DONNA: (to Hyde) What the hell was that? She talks about what a gold digger her mom is all the time!   HYDE: (stands) Hey, Donna, you know how Jackie just told you to shut up?   DONNA: Yeah...   HYDE: Shut up!   He follows after Jackie. Donna shakes her head and throws her hands up.   At the front of the room, Fez and Kelso try to make their way to the kitchen door with a bottle of gin tucked into Kelso’s blazer. Kitty intercepts them at Red’s chair.   KITTY: Oh, I cannot believe you kids! Trying to sneak off with my good gin.   She takes the bottle and starts for the bar.   KELSO: (to Fez) Yeah, I shoulda known. She can smell booze from a mile away.   He isn’t as quiet as he thinks; Kitty turns around, and Red comes over from the bar.   KITTY: Excuse me?   KELSO: Oh... I said, “you smell like booze from a mile away.”   RED: That’s worse, dumbass.   Fez tugs on Kelso’s sleeve, and they vanish into the kitchen.   Kitty and Red return to the bar, where Pam and Bob are waiting.   PAM: Oh, what a lovely evening. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was with rich people.   RED: (to Pam) Want another drink?   He takes out two glasses. Kitty puts one of them away.   KITTY: Honey, you shouldn’t be drinking. You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. (to Pam) He has a heart condition. He’s very old.   RED: (to Kitty) You mean I have to stand here making drinks for these freeloaders when I can’t touch the stuff myself? That’s it – I’m calling the cops. Everyone’s getting towed.   He steps out from behind the bar and moves for the phone.   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   The next morning. The Toyota rests in the drive. Red and Kitty step out. Red has a large HEART MONITOR strapped to his right arm.   RED: I don’t care what that doctor says. I’m not wearing this stupid heart monitor. It makes me look like a damn robot.   KITTY: Red, I'm sure you won't even know it's there. It'll only beep if your heart rate goes above normal, like when you get agitated or excited or extra angry or extra happy.   She gives him a playful poke in the arm.   KITTY (cont’d): Putting my money on extra angry.   Red grunts, opens up the trunk.   RED: I bet the damn thing doesn't even work.   He and Kitty gather up grocery bags as they continue talking.   KITTY: You know what, Red? Your attitude stinks. You wouldn't be in this mess if you'd just listened to me in the first place.   RED: Kitty...   KITTY: I told you to eat more fiber in the mornings. I told you to exercise. I even told you to wear more comfortable shoes for circulation. Did you listen? No. So I guess I'm just gonna keep telling you and telling you and telling you –   The heart monitor lets out a quick series of loud beats.   RED: What do you know? It does work.   He slams the lid down on the trunk and heads inside.   BUMPER   EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY   A freshly acquired item takes up most of the backyard space: A HOT TUB, up and running even in winter. Kelso enjoys a good soak in the dub, while Eric, Hyde, and Jackie sit on the lawn bench.   KELSO: Hey, I can't believe you guys aren't in Bob's hot tub. You know, I feel like Warren Beatty in a movie about a hot tub. He's, like, hot tubbin', then, like... other stuff happens.   ERIC: Kelso, just so you know, Bob was in there an hour ago, so you are, like, covered in hot, bubbly Bob.   Kelso considers for a moment, then shrugs, “I’m good with that.”   Donna comes out from the kitchen, freezes mid-step when she sees Jackie.   DONNA:  Well, well. If it isn’t little miss junior prospector. Apparently my dad’s not good enough for your mom to dig her claws into, but it’s fine for her to leave her little cuckoo bird here to steal room and food.   JACKIE: Look, Donna –   DONNA: No, okay? You’re the one who’s been saying ever since your mom got back that she’s just here to find another free ride, and I’m not gonna let her do that to my dad. I just need to show him what a big mistake this is.   KELSO: “Big mistake?” Bob is Bob, and he’s getting me-quality girls. He’s living life, Kelso style. How can you wanna take that away from your dad, Donna?   ERIC: I’m with Kelso on this one. Bob needs to love that woman for all she’s worth.   DONNA: Eric!   ERIC: What, what are you gonna do, cut me off from sex again?   DONNA: (to Jackie) She’s making my dad take her out on all these expensive dates, they’re buying stupid crap like this hot tub -   KELSO: “Stupid?” There’s snow on the grown, and I’m, like, a million degrees in this thing. And with this euphoria jet, all of Fez’s “needs” problems are ancient history.   Everyone but Kelso shivers a little at the thought.   DONNA: (to Jackie) Your mom’s doing everything you said she’d do, and she’s doing it to my dad, who’s never been anything but nice to you, and who took you in when your mom ran off and you had no place to go.   JACKIE: (stands) God, Donna, I am so sick of hearing about this! You know, I’m not any happier than you are that they’re together.   DONNA: Then why are you sticking up for your mom all of a sudden?   JACKIE:  I’m not sticking up for her, okay? It’s just... it’s just...   She shifts on her feet, looks around; if she even knows or understands the real answer, she doesn’t want to say it.   JACKIE (cont’d): How can a beautiful woman like my mom be going out with a great, big mayonnaise lover like your dad? This morning, at breakfast, your dad burped right in front of my mom, and she laughed, Donna. Laughed! Okay, we’re Burkharts. We don’t burp, and we don’t tolerate people who do.   DONNA: God, Jackie, you can be such an ungrateful little bitch.   Jackie recoils at the words. Her eyes turn wet and glassy. She runs around the house and out of the yard.   HYDE: Well, there goes the rest of my day. Way to go, Donna.   He stands, starts to follow Jackie.   KELSO: (to Hyde) Hey, before you go, can you hand me my clothes? I’m all done peeing.   He points to the shirt and pants folded by the base of the hot tub.   HYDE: Kelso, are you naked?   KELSO: (beat) No. Eric, could you hand me my clothes, please?   ERIC: (stands) I'm sorry, buddy. I can't hear you over the hot tub. Did you hear him, Hyde?   HYDE: I think so. I think he said to take his clothes and run away.   ERIC: Oh!   Hyde nabs Kelso’s clothes, and he and Eric take off around the house.   KELSO: Guys - guys, come back!   No good; he’s trapped in the tub.   KELSO (cont’d): (to Donna) Well, looks like I'm gonna have to be nude in front of you, and that's kind of awkward. So, I think you should nude up.   Donna heads back inside.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Lunchtime. Red reads the newspaper at the kitchen table as Kitty prepares a plate for him and brings it over.   KITTY: Okay, good news, Red. I made your favorite lunch - lasagna!   She hands him the plate, he takes it.   RED: Thanks.   KITTY: “Thanks?” Aren't you excited? Let's hear that monitor!   RED: So every time you do something nice for me, I'm supposed to have a heart attack?   KITTY: Well, no, not an attack. Just a little episode. (laughs) I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?   Bob and Pam enter through the patio door.   PAM: Hi, Red.   Red’s heart monitor sounds off.   RED: (to Kitty) Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in.   He makes a show of taking a hearty bite.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY   A short time later. Kitty sits in the middle of the couch, arms tightly crossed, while Red sits uncomfortably in his chair.   RED: Hey, what do you say we have some more of that lasagna? Boy, was that delicious.   Out of the corner of his mouth, he makes a beeping noise. He points to his heart monitor and pulls a “look at that!” face.   KITTY: Oh, can it, Red. When Pam showed up, your heart monitor went off like a freaking slot machine.   RED: Pam had nothing to do with that thing going off, dammit!   KITTY: Oh, and look at us now. We're arguing. Can't even get a beep out of you.   The kitchen door swings open. Kelso marches in, naked except for a garden hose wrapped around his naughty place.   KELSO: Your son is a jerk.   He heads up the stairs. Red and Kitty share a look; Red shrugs.   CUT TO:   EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY   Immediately following. Bob and Pam enjoy a nice soak. Red and Kitty come around the house, mid-argument.   RED: Okay, come on. I am gonna prove to you that I am not attracted to Pam.   They step up to the tub.   PAM: Hey, guys.   Red’s heart monitor goes off. Kitty looks up and glowers at Red.   RED: (to Kitty) I think I'm having a war flashback. I'm messed up, Kitty. I'm real messed up.   He turns around and hurries out of the yard.   CUT TO:   INT. HYDE’S BEDROOM – DAY   Hyde, sans shades, and Jackie lie in bed, the goose down duvet pulled around them. Jackie’s head rests against Hyde’s shoulders as he holds her and she holds SCHATZI.   JACKIE: How could Donna say that I’m ungrateful? When I threw out all her old lumberjack shirts and replaced them with blouses and peplum tops last Christmas, I made sure all of them were in her giant size. And who keeps leaving business cards for real hair stylists on Bob’s car? That’s all me. Not Donna – me!   HYDE: You did kind of go off on Bob and do a 180 about your mom once you found out they were dating.   JACKIE: Steven, when a girlfriend is upset, it’s your job as the boyfriend to nod along and agree, not tell her the truth! Look, Donna doesn’t know my mom. It’s not her place to say those things. Of course, everyone can see how unnatural it is for someone like my mom to be with Bob. She’s rich and classy, and he’s all corny and cheesy. He’s like nachos.   HYDE: Well, that explains how he scored your mom. She’ll touch anything from Mexico.   Jackie gives him a halfhearted swat to the chest.   HYDE (cont’d): Come on, Jackie. Donna’s just worried about her dad.   JACKIE: Look, I know, okay? And she’s right. Well, probably right. It’s just... I don’t know. When I heard the things she was saying about my mom, I just... I felt like...   HYDE: Like you had to stick up for her ‘cause she’s family, even if you should be helping out the other guy?   He gives Jackie a knowing look. She reaches up, cups his cheek with her hand.   JACKIE: Oh, Steven. You know, our moms are like miniskirts that look great on the mannequin, but as soon as you try them on, they’re totally trashy and ruin your whole image. But you can’t take a mom back to the store to trade in for something better in a designer brand.   She turns her head into his shoulder, and Hyde pulls her in closer. He does his best to not pull away when Schatzi starts sniffing in his ear.   CUT TO:   INT. HUB - DAY   A typical afternoon. Eric, Donna, and Fez have claimed the wall table, Eric and Donna in the booth seat and Fez across from them. Food baskets and soda bottles adorn the table.   DONNA: (to Eric) I cannot believe you think my dad should stay with Pam. She doesn't even like you. She told my dad you groped her at the party. ERIC: Okay, look, Donna, you and Pam obviously have some serious issues. I think you two should work them out with a good old-fashioned pillow fight.   Donna swats his chest and rolls her eyes. FEZ: What's the big deal? Bob and Pam are adults who want to do what comes naturally to everybody except me. So I say, why can't I get any?   DONNA: (to Eric) You know, Pam wants to be with my dad now, but what happens when someone else comes along? I wouldn't care so much if I could just, you know, test her with a hotter guy and see if she falls for him.   ERIC: Because I love you, I'll do it.   He starts to stand, but Donna pulls him back down.   DONNA: No, it has to be someone her type. And, going off all her stories about her time in Mexico, she has a weakness for young, dark-skinned guys.   She and Eric both look at Fez, who’s slow to realize he’s pulled attention.   FEZ: (shrugs) I guess I can ask around.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Kitty is at the stove. She pulls out an angel cake and sets it on the stovetop as Red walks in from the living room.   RED: Mmm, that smells delicious. What is it?   Kitty refuses to look at them as she sprinkles sugar over the cake.   KITTY: It's not for you. You can go look for scraps around the neighborhood like the rest of the dogs.   RED: Kitty, for the last time, I am not attracted to Pam. In all the years we’ve been together, you know my heart has never raced at the sight of any woman but you.   KITTY: Well, your cardiac jukebox there says otherwise!   RED: (points at monitor) I knew this damn thing wouldn’t work. I’m telling you, that floozy lush had nothing to do with it going off!   The patio door opens, and Pam enters.   PAM: Hi, Kitty. Hi, Red. I thought we'd come over and see if you two wanted to catch a movie.   Red and Kitty look from Pam to the monitor and back to Pam. Red holds the monitor up to his ear to check the sound; nothing happens.   PAM (cont’d): Why are you staring? Too pretty for Wisconsin? I get that a lot.   KITTY: (to Red) You shut it off, didn't you?   RED: No, I did not shut it off!   Bob enters.   BOB: Let's hustle it up. I don't want to sit behind people with hats.   The heart monitor goes off. Red shuts it off.   RED: (to Kitty) Ha! Look at that, nosey! It's not Pam. It's Bob, because he annoys me.   BOB: That's true. I do.   PAM: What are you guys talking about?   KITTY: Um... (laughs) (to Pam) I, um... I-I-I sort of thought that Red had a crush on you.   PAM: Oh, Kitty, I'm sorry. This face can bring as much trouble as it does joy.   RED: Well, Kitty, what do you have to say for yourself?   KITTY: It's the menopause. I'm messed up, Red. I'm real messed up.   She hurries into the living room.   BUMPER   EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY   Some time later, post-movie. Fez, in an outfit straight from the tackiest of ‘70s pool boy pornos, sweeps the hot tub with a net. His ass is stuck out to pull focus, which it does when Pam steps out from the kitchen.   PAM: Um, hello?   Fez makes a dramatic turn to look at her.   PAM (cont’d): What are you doing?   FEZ: I was hired to clean the hot tub. But you should know that I perform... other services, too.   He lowers one strap of his tank top. Ignoring that, Pam crosses to inspect the hot tub.   PAM: Well, you could start by doing a better job. It's still dirty.   FEZ: So, you like it dirty?   PAM: No, I want it clean.   FEZ: So, you like it filthy?   PAM: Bob!   FEZ: Whoa, I'm not into that!   He throws up his hands as Pam shakes her head.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   Eric and Donna are relaxing on the couch. Donna has a diving mask and snorkel in her hands that she fiddles with.   Kelso comes running down the stairs wearing Eric’s clothes.   KELSO: Hey, Eric, that was a good burn, stealing my clothes. But the laugh's on you, 'cause I borrowed your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.   He makes a show of wiggling his butt around in Eric’s pants.   ERIC: Kelso, just so you know, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.   KELSO: Ouch. Well played.   He gives Eric a nod, then crosses to sit on the dryer.   The basement door opens. A frowning Bob enters, holding Fez by the back of the neck.   BOB: (to Donna) Did you tell Fez to make a move on Pam? 'Cause if you didn't, I'm gonna box him up and send him back to banana town.   FEZ: (to Bob) Okay, I'm sick of those comments. I don't say I'm gonna send you back to polyester town.   Donna stands, crosses to Bob. At the same time, Jackie and Hyde enter from Hyde’s room. Jackie beats Donna over to Bob.   JACKIE: Mr. Pinciotti, good, I thought that was you. Look, you need to break up with my mom. You’re too good for her.   DONNA: Oh, here we go. You know, you’ve got some nerve, Burkhart – wait, what?   BOB: What?   ERIC/KELSO/FEZ: What?   JACKIE: Mr. Pinciotti, you’re a wonderful guy with a huge heart. You’re like a cute, fuzzy, slightly gassy panda bear. And my mom is a beautiful blonde tiger who goes around looking for panda bears to rip open to get at the money inside.   FEZ: Wait, I’m confused. Is Bob a panda bear or a pinata? (Gasps) Or a panda pinata! (to the guys) If you bastards don’t have a panda pinata for my birthday, there will be no cake for any of you!   JACKIE: (to Bob) I’ve said some awful things about you over the last few days, and I know I haven’t always been as grateful as I should be, but I really appreciate all you’ve done since my mom left me. And I know my mom, and I don’t want to see her hurt you like she hurt me. And I know Donna feels the same way.   DONNA: Thank you, Jackie. And I’m sorry.   She puts an arm around Jackie’s shoulders.   DONNA (cont’d): And Dad, I’m sorry about Fez, but it was the only thing I could think of to prove that Pam doesn’t... you know, really care about you.   BOB: Well, guess what? She does really care about me, so I don’t want any more of these little games. (to Jackie) Now, Jackie, I appreciate your concern, and I’m sorry you feel that way about your mom, but she and I make each other happy. You and Donna better accept it soon, 'cause she's here to stay.   JACKIE: But Mr. Pinciotti –   BOB: I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. This is the way it’s gonna be. In fact – Pam and me talked after the movies, and she’s moving in.   JACKIE: Wait, what?   DONNA: What?   ERIC/HYDE/KELSO/FEZ: What?   JACKIE: No, no, no. Mr. Pinciotti, my mom can’t move in with us.   BOB: She can and she is. End of discussion.   JACKIE: No, because... because if my mom’s moving in, then I’m moving out.   She gets out from under Donna’s arm and runs back into Hyde’s room.   Hyde takes the snorkel mask from Donna.   HYDE: I’m gonna need this. (to Bob, doing Bob) “Way to go there, Bob.”   Shaking his head, he goes back to his room.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT   Much later, well into night. Hyde and Jackie sit together on the couch, Jackie holding Schatzi.   HYDE: (to Jackie) Roy said you can get a room at the hotel where we work, but it’ll be a few days before you can move in. You sure you wanna do this?   JACKIE: I’m sure, Steven. I can’t be under the same roof as my mom right now.   She leans into Hyde, who puts an arm around her shoulders.   They both look up to the ceiling as a faint beeping sound echoes down from upstairs.   JACKIE: What’s that noise?   HYDE: It’s Red’s heart monitor.   JACKIE: Where’s Mrs. Forman?   HYDE: She’s with him.   The thought hits them both at the same time. Jackie screams, drops Schatzi onto the seat next to her, and clings to Hyde. He pats her arm even as he looks up again and snickers.   END.

[zen3to5]

J/H 7-20: Gimme Shelter

I've said all along that this rewrite is only concerned with the Jackie/Hyde material, especially for everything post-Season 5. That's going to be relaxed from here on out; with Season 7 serving as the series finale in this timeline, there are more adjustments to be made, and they start here with changes to how Eric arrives at his teaching career. But there's Zen here too, as the mess that was Jackie's graduation party gets replaced with something else...

(We assume that 7x18 and 7x19 play out as we know them from the show in this timeline.)

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   MUSIC NOTE: “Oh Well” by the Rockets.   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   The gang hanging out. HYDE and FEZ rummage through the deep freeze, JACKIE writes in a notebook in Hyde’s chair, ERIC and DONNA share the couch, and KELSO sits in the lawn chair.   Jackie finishes off her writing with a firm dotting of a period and sets her pencil and paper down.   JACKIE: And – done! That’s my last high school assignment. I’m all set for graduation this Friday.   ERIC: I can’t believe I graduated a year ago. It’s like, I feel like I’ve done nothing. Man, time really flies when you take two naps a day.   DONNA: Well, I wouldn’t say you’ve done nothing. I mean, you’ve... wow, you’ve really sat on your ass.   Hyde and Fez emerge from the deep freeze, popsicles in hand.   HYDE: Yup, Forman, we’ve all passed you by. I’m running a record store, Donna’s a DJ, Kelso’s a cop – even Fez has a job now. (to Fez) What is it again, man? Uh, shower girl? Make-up lady?   FEZ: Shampoo boy!   HYDE: (beat) Eh, I was close.   He crosses to his chair and pats Jackie on the back. She stands up, lets him sit in the chair, and sits in his lap.   ERIC: Wait a second – does this mean I’m the loser of the group now?   KELSO: You are the one that’s still living with your mommy.   ERIC: Man, you’re still living with your mommy.   KELSO: Not for long. Me and Fez are looking for apartments. Then the only time I’ll see my mom is when she’s doing my laundry, cooking my meals, taking me to the dentist...   He trails off there.   JACKIE: Oh, Eric, I feel kinda bad. I mean, you wouldn’t even be thinking about this kind of stuff if you weren’t caught in the blinding light of my bright future.   FEZ: You know, the scary thing is, if one year went by this fast, imagine where Eric is gonna be in ten years...   He looks up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   FANTASY SEQUENCE.   TITLE CARD 1: Eric’s crappy future.   TITLE CARD 2: Ten years later.   The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Mr. Spock costume, complete with ears. A thoroughly done Donna, in Uhura costume and wig, steps out from the passenger’s side.   ERIC: Thanks for going with me to the Star Trek convention – Uhura.   DONNA: You can call me Donna now.   Without another word, she walks down the street.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   Back to reality. Fez giggles at his scenario, as does everyone but Eric.   KELSO: That’s good, Fez. But I think it’s gonna be more like this...   He looks up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber. A thoroughly done Donna, in Leia costume and hair, steps out from the passenger’s side.   ERIC: Thanks for going with me to the Star Wars convention – Leia.   DONNA: You can call me Donna now.   Without another word, she walks down the street.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   Back to reality. Kelso grins at his scenario, as does everyone but Eric.   HYDE: Nah, man. You’re both wrong. Actually, it’s gonna go like this...   He and Jackie look up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber. A thoroughly done KITTY, in Leia costume and hair, steps out from the passenger’s side.   ERIC: Thanks for going with me to the Star Wars convention – Leia.   KITTY: You can call me Mom now.   Without another word, she heads back into the house.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   Back to reality. Hyde and Jackie nod along to the scenario, as does everyone but Eric, who scrambles over the back of the couch.   ERIC: Whoa!   DONNA: Eric, they’re joking around. It’s funny.   ERIC: No, Donna, it’s not funny! In fact – it’s completely  possible!   He turns and races up the stairs.

MAIN CREDITS   ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   The next day. The guys play cards while Donna reads in the lawn chair. Hyde, Eric, and Fez share the couch while Kelso sits backwards in Hyde’s chair.   KELSO: (to Eric) So, gonna be a chiropractor, huh? All right, every chick patient that you have, you have to tell her the problem is her tailbone. That way, you get to grab around on her butt.   ERIC: Kelso, I’m doing this ‘cause I wanna help people. A handful of ass is just a perk.   The basement door opens and Jackie enters, box in hand.   JACKIE: Hello, everyone. It is I, the light of all your lives and the newest arrival to the glorious world of adulthood. (sets box on coffee table) Michael, I remember how much you like playing with my equestrian figurine collection, so since I’m a mature woman now, these are for you.   Fez reaches inside the box and lifts up a plastic toy horse. The guys all glare at Kelso, who shifts in his chair.   JACKIE (cont’d): God, I cannot wait to graduate tomorrow. Classes are done and I finally know everything. Now it’s nothing but dinner parties, LoPP fundraisers, summers in Morocco, holidays in Paris...   DONNA: Um, what about earning a degree, paying the bills, finding a place to live – you know, the responsibilities of being an adult?   JACKIE: Okay, Donna, you’re forgetting one very important difference between most people and me – I grew up rich. I get things.   Donna rolls her eyes as Jackie crosses to sit on the back of the couch behind Hyde.   Kitty enters from the staircase, a newspaper in hand.   KITTY: Michael, I circled some apartment listings for you and Fez. (to the gang) I found a great apartment for Janet Myers after her divorce. It has a murphy bed for when her kids come to visit. They never do. She’s in AA.   She exits up the stairs.   Kelso reviews the circled listings.   KELSO: Look at all these places for rent. I hope we can find one that’s got everything my baby needs.   FEZ: Oh, Kelso, you’re always putting me first.   KELSO: Not you, moron! Betsy, my daughter. It’s amazing how one tiny person has changed my life so much.   FEZ: You changed mine, too.   Kelso’s out of insults; he just gives Fez a long stare.   ***   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   The next morning – the day of Jackie’s graduation, before school. She and Hyde eat breakfast on the island as RED, Kitty, Fez, and Kelso do the same at the table. Breakfast is eggs for everyone, with plates of toast and sausages in the middle. With one sausage left, Red and Fez both reach for it with their forks. Fez takes it.   FEZ: Too slow, old man.   KELSO: Fez, if you’re not polite, he’s gonna figure out you’re living here.   Red drops his fork and glares at Fez.   RED: You’re living here?   KELSO: Oh, great. You blew it, Fez!   KITTY: Red, he has nowhere else to go.   Red stands.   RED: (to Fez) Well, know this, Pele: you gotta sleep some time. And during the war, when they were sleeping – that’s when I got ‘em.   He exits out the patio door.   KITTY: (to Fez) Well, that wasn’t too bad. He called you “Pele.” He is a terrific soccer player.   She takes her plate, stands, and crosses to the sink.   Fez and Kelso lean in toward each other.   FEZ: What do we do now?   KELSO: I don’t know, man. That apartment was the only one we’ve found that’ll work for you, me, and Betsy.   FEZ: We could try that room above the barber shop.   KELSO: No, we can’t.   FEZ: Why not?   KELSO: Because there’s no way Mr. Lucania’s gonna let out a room to the guy he found hiding in his daughter’s closet. Or the guy he found in her bed. With her. Five times, senior year.   Jackie, who has been watching and listening with Hyde throughout the scene, sits up straight.   JACKIE: Wow. You guys are really struggling with all those adult responsibilities Donna was talking about. And Michael, you’re good-looking, but it doesn’t seem like it’s helping you at all.   KELSO: Yeah. I’m afraid you’re gonna find as you get out into the real world that there are some things a bitchin’ bod just won’t fix.   JACKIE: (gasps) Oh, God!   She clasps a hand over her mouth. Kelso nods gravely and turns back to his conversation with Fez.   ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   Still morning, still before school. THE BRADY BUNCH plays on the TV. Hyde sits in his chair with Jackie in his lap while Donna remains on the couch, her neck still crooked. Eric retrieves a popsicle from the deep freeze and moves to join her on the couch.   ERIC: (to Donna) How’re you doing, my little buttercup?   DONNA: Great. The Brady Bunch is so much funnier sideways.   JACKIE: Oh, God, Eric, you ruined her. Donna can’t even stand up straight now. And that’s real important for a lumberjack.   ERIC: Hey, it’s not that bad. I’m sure chiropractor Forman can tend to my crooked little flower here.   DONNA: You know, Eric, calling me cute little nicknames doesn’t make up for what you did.   ERIC: Hey, whatever you say, my little crazy straw.   JACKIE: Wow, this disaster just came out of nowhere, didn’t it? I mean, one minute Donna’s fine, the next some scrawny would-be quack’s turned her into a human pretzel. And Eric – Eric thought he found a career he’d be good at, which he obviously isn’t. (to Hyde) What if my TV show goes the same way? What if I’m no good? Or what if something awful happens to me out of nowhere, like a car crash or a gray hair? Donna was right – there is a downside to being an adult. Why was I in such a rush to grow up? I’m so short, I could’ve kept passing for a kid for years if I hadn’t talked such a big game about becoming an adult!   HYDE: Look, Jackie -   JACKIE: No, Steven! The graduation ceremony is in three hours, and I’ve just realized I’m not ready at all! I can’t do this!   She lets out a scream and dashes into Hyde’s room.   HYDE: (to Eric) Red still got that crowbar in the garage? ‘Cause that’s the only way we’re getting her out of there.   Eric gives a sarcastic shrug as Donna rolls her eyes.   ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   That evening. Eric sits on the back of the couch on one end, Fez sits in the seat on the other, and Kelso sits in the lawn chair.   KELSO: Well, Red convinced Fenton to give us the apartment!   He and Fez share a low five.   FEZ: Yeah, and Red seemed so happy. All the way home, he just kept looking at us and laughing.   KELSO: Yeah, I’m pretty sure Red told Fenton that we knew a lot of chicks, ‘cause Fenton kept checking me out, like he could tell that I knew a lot of chicks.   The door opens, and BOB leads Donna inside. Her neck is still crooked.   BOB:  Eric, I can’t believe that you crippled my angel, my pride and joy. It kills me, seeing her like this.   ERIC: Then why are you bringing her over here?   BOB: Oh, I got a date. I met a lady at the open house. She’s got crow’s feet, but she works in the sandwich shop, so I bent the rules.   He exits. Donna crosses to sit by Eric on the couch.   ERIC: Look, Donna, I’m so sorry about what happened. You know, I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t think I ever really wanted to be a chiropractor. I was just, you know, grasping at straws.   DONNA: I’d nod in agreement, but... you know, I’m paralyzed.   KELSO: Eric, you know what I’m realizing about you? You’re not good at anything.   FEZ: That’s not true, Kelso. Don’t forget butt-wiping.   ERIC: Oh, you know, just once, it’d be nice if, after you get all your burns in, you guys actually tried to help. I mean, that’s what I do. I mean, I’m the one who was looking out for Hyde when his mom split. And Kelso, I was your math tutor in high school. And Fez, remember when you wanted to learn how to kiss, and I taught you by sticking M&Ms to the mirror?   Donna and Kelso’s jaws drop. They look to Fez, who shifts in his seat.   FEZ: That never happened. I know how to kiss. Ah, shut it, Eric!   DONNA: (to Eric) You know, the only reason you ended up stuck like this was because your one chance to go away to college, you gave up to take care of your family after your dad got sick. You really do try to help.   ERIC: And I love doing it. I wish that could be a career.   DONNA: Right. You just need a career that combines a desire to help people with a high tolerance for irrational and childish behavior.   ERIC:  Or... just children. Just kids. Like at a school. Like a schoolteacher. Guys, I think I could make a good teacher!   Before he can elaborate any further, the basement door flies open. Hyde enters, carrying Jackie in his arms. She has on a graduation cap and gown, carries her diploma in her hand, and wears a massive, spacey grin.   JACKIE: Hello, adulthood! I’m Jackie Burkhart, and I’m ready for ya!   DONNA: Hey, looks like someone got over her little panic episode.   HYDE: Well, after you left, I went to talk to her and told her everything was gonna be fine and she was ready for graduation. But that didn’t work, so I broke out my best stuff. She’s been flying ever since.   Jackie sweeps out her hand holding her diploma, pops one foot out, and kisses Hyde on the cheek.   HYDE (cont’d): You should’ve seen her give the valedictorian address.   DONNA: Jackie, you’re not your class valedictorian.   HYDE: That’s why you should’ve seen it.   ERIC: That’s great, Jackie. You know what? This has just been a great day all around. Jackie graduated, Kelso and Fez found an apartment, and I’ve decided I’m gonna be a teacher. That’s right, you are looking at a future Mr. Forman.   JACKIE: Mr. Forman? Oh, well –   She swings herself down from Hyde’s arms and stumbles over to Eric. She steadies herself by slapping a hand down on his shoulder.   JACKIE (cont’d): Since I’ve already graduated, I can tell you now – my last essay? Yeah, everything in it, I stole from Donna doing the same assignment last year.   As well as she can, Donna turns to give Jackie an incredulous look.   JACKIE (cont’d): Hey, I’ve got my diploma, I’ve got a TV show, I am woman, and I’m ready for more!   Eric, grinning, shakes his head. Donna, Fez, and Kelso chuckle. Hyde also shakes his head and walks over to lead Jackie to his chair.   FADE TO BLACK

[zen3to5]

Since the “new followers” notices have well outpaced recent activity, I thought this might be a good time to let those newer folks know - this is a side blog I set up for my Zenmasters: Seasons 3 to 5(+) script rewrites, the full list of which you can find here. That project is completed, so this isn’t likely to be a very active blog anymore with original content - just the odd thought, joke, or reblog. However, I am always open to questions/reviews/comments sent via Ask! 

[zen3to5]

J/H 6-01: The Kids Are Alright

Welcome, everyone, to Zenmasters: Seasons 3 to 5+!

I was pretty set on keeping this rewrite project limited to the titular seasons when I started. The only exception, I thought, would be to possibly do a rewrite of the series finale, working on the premise that Season 7 would be the last.

Then I rewatched Season 6 - which, if you’ll recall, didn’t go down so well. So I've decided not only to do a new series finale, but to make some more adjustments along the way there. In doing so, I've set myself the following hard limits:

1. I'm only rewriting what I find to be the rough patches in Jackie and Hyde's material (otherwise, I'd be overhauling virtually every single script of this season, and no way am I going down that road.) Since I think their relationship is generally well-handled in Season 6, that means we're only looking at two areas: their make-up at the beginning of the season (which I think was sloppy) and the Pam Burkhart arc (which has virtually no Zen, when it really should have.) Adding Zen, and still acting on the premise that these could be feasible scripts for the show, there will naturally be other adjustments, but those were only made on the basis that they had to be to make room for J/H material in these 22-minute episodes.

2. I have to be able to use something from the 3 to 5 rewrites, even if it's only a single line, as a basis for adding Zen to a given episode or run of episodes.

With that out of the way - let's get started!

(And, as with 5-01, I couldn't resist imagining a new credits sequence.)

FF.Net AO3

***

We open on a unique title card, patterned after the logo from THE GODFATHER. “The Godfather Theme” by Nino Rota plays as we cut to:   INT. FORMAN BEDROOM - DAY   DREAM SEQUENCE. The Forman master bedroom, converted to an at-home hospital bed. RED, as Don Corleone, lies in bed, propped up on pillows. Surrounding him are BOB as Tom Hagen, KELSO as Fredo, and HYDE as Sonny. Hyde has SCHATZI in his arms. Everyone is grim-faced and the room is dark, even in the day – very Coppola.   BOB: Don Forman, it is an honor and privilege to receive you in your home in the wake of the heart attack caused by your daughter’s wedding.   Red rolls his eyes, unnoticed by Bob.   BOB (cont’d): While you’ve been away, they locked up that Son of Sam, Al Unser took the Indy 500, and that new movie Grease is such a hoot, boy.   RED: What about the Family?   BOB: Well, that little dame with the mouth has been hiding down at the pool all summer, on account of these two still being after her.   He points to Kelso and Hyde, who shift on their feet.   HYDE: Yeah, but that’s over now. We’re sending Kelso out west to learn the nutcracker business.   KELSO: Nutcracker business? Why would I -   Hyde kicks him in the groin, sending him to the floor.   HYDE: (laughing) Loser.   He sets Schatzi on the bed and crosses to the bedroom door. As soon as he opens it, machine gunfire rips open. Hyde stumbles back into the room, being thrown about by the many bloodless squibs going off, until he falls down on top of Kelso.   Bob and Red briefly glance at the bodies, then return to their conversation.   BOB: And your wife, she’s working double shifts again, on account of you not being able to manage the business.   KITTY, as Mama Corleone in a nurse’s hat, bursts into the room, with a laundry basket under one arm and a pot of soup under the other. She hurries over to Red, kisses him on the forehead, glances down at Hyde and Kelso, looks up to God, and runs out of the room with tears in her eyes, all while spewing a non-stop torrent of obviously fake Italian.   RED: What about my son, Bob? Where’s Eric?   Bob shifts on his feet, looks away. We cut to:   EXT. ITALIAN VILLA – DAY   A picturesque little village in the Sicilian countryside, a lovely image to have on a cheesy backdrop hanging behind the cast. ERIC, as Michael Corleone in his military uniform, and DONNA as Kay stand in the middle of the street, arms around each other’s waists. “Godfather Love Theme” by Nino Rota plays in the background.   DONNA: Eric, are you sure we should be going off to college and seeing the world when your father’s heart attack and our friends’ stupidity leaves the Family vulnerable?   ERIC: That’s my family, Donna. That’s not me. I’m going my own way. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?   CUT TO:   EXT. CITY STREET – DAY   The best New York backlot set available. Old roadsters line the street, steam comes up from the manholes, everyone goes about in hats and coats, and a fruit stand with plenty of oranges is set up on the corner. Red and Bob are at the stand, selecting oranges while Kelso waits for them by a black 1941 Ford.   Shot-for-shot, the shooting of Don Corleone. A gunman steps out from behind a truck. Red notices their approach. He bolts for the car, knocking over the stand and sending oranges spilling into the street, but it’s too late. FEZ, as Sollozzo, sprays him with fire from his handgun.   Slumped down against the car, Red turns around and looks up at Fez.   RED: So... it was the foreigner all along.   FEZ: Seriously? Have you looked around at this dream? You’re Italian, I’m Italian - we’re all foreigners, you cranky bastard!   He fires off one more shot, and Red falls to the ground, dead.   CUT TO:   SPINNING NEWSPAPER. Headline: FORMAN SLAIN.   CUT TO:   EXT. ITALIAN VILLA - DAY   Eric, clutching at the newspaper, with Donna reading over his shoulder. Eric crushes the paper in one hand, bites the knuckles of the other.   ERIC: Oh, Pop. If only I had set aside all my own personal hopes and dreams for my life and stayed at home. If only I hadn’t gone against the Family.   He throws his head to the sky in true melodramatic fashion as we crane up.   ERIC: Why? Why? WHY?   CUT TO:   INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – DAY   Late morning. The window curtains are drawn, letting in the sunlight, and Jackie’s cot is empty. Eric and Donna are snuggled together in Donna’s bed, still asleep.   Eric stirs, jolts straight up. He takes in where he is, lets out a long sigh. Donna, still groggy from sleep, sits up and puts a hand on his shoulder.   DONNA: Eric, is everything all right?   ERIC: (beat) Yeah.   Eric pats her hand and slides out of bed. He starts to get dressed.   ERIC (cont’d): I gotta go. My folks come home from the hospital today. Hyde and I are picking them up.   Donna’s closet opens. Out steps Fez, all smiles.   FEZ: Mr. Red is coming home?   Eric jumps and Donna pulls the covers up to her chin.   ERIC: Fez?   DONNA: Oh, my God! Did you see anything?   FEZ: Not much. You should really think about a night light.   Donna and Eric both take pillows from the bed and chuck them at Fez, who retreats back into the closet.

MAIN TITLES   INT. VISTA CRUISER – NIGHT   A) The gang out on the road. Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso.   THEME SONG: Hangin’ out...   B) Hyde drives, with Eric in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Donna, and behind Hyde sits Jackie. The girls are leaning forward in their seats, their arms wrapped around the boys’ shoulders.   THEME SONG: Down the street...   C) Kelso drives, with Fez next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits a scowling Red, then Eric, then Bob.   THEME SONG: The same old thing...   D) Red drives, with Kitty in the passenger’s seat, holding Schatzi. Bob sits in the middle of the back seat, hands behind his head.   THEME SONG: We did last week...   E) Fez drives, with Donna next to him and Kelso in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Eric, then Hyde, then Jackie. Donna leans into Fez as the gang sing along.   THEME SONG: Not a thing to do...   F) Jackie drives, with Donna next to her and Kitty in the passenger’s seat.   THEME SONG: But talk to you...   G) Hyde drives, with Eric in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Donna, and behind Hyde sits Jackie. The girls are leaning forward in their seats, their arms wrapped around the boys’ shoulders.   THEME SONG: We’re all alright!   H) Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso.   THEME SONG: We’re all alright!   I) The creators’ license plate, a 1978 sticker in the corner.   HYDE (v.o.): Hello, Wisconsin!   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY   Shortly after the pre-credits scene. Hyde sits at the kitchen table, a plate of eggs and bacon in front of him. He has Schatzi in his arms, cuddled close to his face. He picks up a piece of bacon and holds it up for Schatzi to eat.   Eric, Donna (dressed in a bathing suit and dress) and Fez enter through the patio door. They freeze when they see Hyde, and he freezes when he sees them, causing Schatzi to strain to reach the bacon.   Though all three struggle not to laugh, Donna finds her voice first:   DONNA: (to Hyde) Are you feeding and cuddling with a wiener dog?   HYDE: Are you planning to wear a bathing suit to a hospital visit?   ERIC: (to Donna) Oh, please do.   FEZ: Yes, please.   Donna shakes her head and rolls her eyes.   DONNA: I’m going to the pool with Jackie.   HYDE: She choose between me and Kelso yet?   DONNA: I don’t know. But Kelso’s been going down there to show off for her. He’s got a speedo with the Point Place Police Department badge printed on the ass. It’s really disturbing.   Hyde pushes himself to his feet, Schatzi still in his arms.   HYDE: Whatever, man. She thinks I’m gonna wait around all summer ‘cause she can’t choose between me and a guy who once forgot he was allergic to eggs? His head swelled up to five times its normal size. Screw that, man. I’m over her.   Schatzi chooses this time to lick the corner of Hyde’s mouth. Eric chuckles, crosses to Hyde and puts a hand on his shoulder.   ERIC: Hyde, the other day I was down in the basement and went to put on Zeppelin, and I found country music records hidden in the sleeve to Physical Graffiti. You’re not over her.   Fez smirks, crosses to them.   FEZ: (to Hyde) So, you console your loneliness with doggie kisses and country songs, while I am married to Eric’s slutty sister.   HYDE: Yeah, how’s that going?   FEZ: Oh, not great. But I’m pretty sure when she gets back from our honeymoon in Cancun, things will pick up.   ERIC: Laurie went on your honeymoon alone?   FEZ: Oh, no, that would be crazy. She took her friend Carlos along to keep an eye on her. But I paid for both of them, so everyone know who the man is in this deal.   Eric, Donna, and Hyde all share a look.   ERIC: (to Hyde) All right, let’s get going. (to Fez) You stay here. My dad doesn’t want you anywhere near the hospital.   FEZ: Why not? I’m family. I want to support my new American dad after his heart attack.   ERIC: Fez, you’re the one who gave him the heart attack.   HYDE: By marrying his daughter, who’s on your honeymoon with another guy.   FEZ: Oh, no, no, no. Carlos is just like, um... he’s kind of like a – a chaperone. He, uh... (beat) Son of a bitch!   He stomps his foot and pouts, even as Hyde presses Schatzi into his arms. Eric, Hyde, and Donna file out the door.   BUMPER   INT. HOSPITAL - DAY   A reception desk at the hospital. A DOCTOR leads Eric, Red, Kitty, and Hyde up the hallway. Red is in decent shape and rotten mood; same as always, really.   RED: Come on, Kitty. Let’s get the hell out of this weird place. I think some of these nurses are stealing drugs.   The doctor gives Kitty a look.   KITTY: Red, I am a nurse here. (laughs)   RED: I stand by my statement.   DOCTOR: Okay, Mr. Forman, just to be clear: no going to work, no chores, no driving for three months. And let’s not forget the root cause of the problem.   ERIC: Too much rage, right? Yeah, so he probably shouldn’t, like, yell at anyone anymore, right?   DOCTOR: Actually, the reason he ran into trouble is he was holding stuff in.   ERIC: (beat) He was holding stuff in? Okay, I weigh 42 pounds ‘cause of what he let out and – I’m sorry – you’re telling me that, uh, there’s more in there?   Kitty hurries between her husband and son and takes both their arms.   KITTY: (to doctor) No, no, no. He does not weigh 42 pounds. And these two are the best of buddies! (doing Eric) “Hey, Dad, wanna go fishing?” (doing Red) “Sure, son. Let’s hug.” (normal voice) That’s what it’s like at our house! (laughs)   RED: (to doctor) See what I mean about the drugs?   DOCTOR: (to Red) What you need to do is focus on things that make you happy.   ERIC: Okay, but I don’t know where we’re gonna find a boatload of dead commies.   HYDE: (points to Eric, himself) Yeah, but there’s two asses he loves sticking his foot up right here.   Eric nods. Red gives him and Hyde an appraising look as Kitty shakes her head.   CUT TO:   EXT. POOL - DAY   The Point Place public pool, a small and tidy swimming hole surrounded by a chain-link fence. Donna and JACKIE, in a tiny bikini and skirt, sip sodas at a small cable in the corner.   DONNA: Jackie, the summer’s almost over and you haven’t decided between Kelso and Hyde yet.   JACKIE: Why should I rush for them? The sun is out, the air is warm, I’m almost at my most delicious shade of cocoa brown – let that two-timing moron and paranoid hophead wait it out a little longer.   DONNA: Well, Hyde might be done waiting, so you may not have a choice anymore.   Jackie takes her sunglasses off and leans in toward Donna.   JACKIE: What do you mean?   Before Donna can answer, a shadow blocks their sun. It’s Kelso, fresh from the pool, dripping wet in his PPPD speedo.   KELSO: Ladies. Ladies’ bodies. (to Jackie) So, Jackie, what do you think?   He flexes, pushes up his shoulders.   KELSO (cont’d): Yep. Police Academy starts in a week. All this swimming’s getting me into shape.   DONNA: Wouldn’t getting into shape for the police academy mean eating donuts and growing a bad moustache?   KELSO: Oh, I’m growing the bad moustache.   Jackie rolls her eyes, looks around Kelso to Donna.   JACKIE:  So is Mr. Forman home yet?   DONNA: Eric’s picking him up now. I don’t know what they’re gonna do once we’re in Madison. Kitty and Hyde are both working double shifts, but that still doesn’t cover the lost income from Red not working.   JACKIE: Yeah... and what about medical bills? Price Mart offers terrible coverage, and you can forget about any help from the government now that health reform’s stalled.   DONNA: I know, right?   KELSO: Wait, hold up. (to Donna) You said a bunch of sad stuff... (to Jackie) You followed up with some money and health fact stuff... (to Donna) And you said “I know,” which makes me think Jackie used that right, which makes me think she knew what she was talking about.   DONNA: Very good, Kelso. That’s what we call a “conversation.”   KELSO: Well, I know some facts too. Jimmy Carter? He had a peanut farm. And the Dairy Queen down the street is selling half-off peanut buster parfaits today. Now, excuse me as I walk down there to get one – without pants.   He turns his ass Jackie’s way before strolling off. The girls shake their heads.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Welcome home, Red! The family file in through the patio door. Kitty keeps her arms ready to support Red, who looks done with this day already.   KITTY: (to Red) Now, let’s get you upstairs for your nap. (to Eric, Hyde) And boys, he needs quiet, so no shenanigans.   ERIC: Mom, please, we haven’t shenaniganed in about six years.   HYDE: We’ve hooliganed.   ERIC: We’ve no-goodniked.   HYDE: We’ve ne’er done well.   ERIC:  And just last week, we found ourselves rabble-rousing.   RED: Will you shut up?   Eric and Hyde, both laughing, step aside so that Red can go through the door to the living room...   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY   And find Fez standing in front of his chair with a balloon and flowers.   FEZ: Welcome home, Dad!   RED: You. You’ve got a lot of nerve, showing your face around here after what you did to my daughter!   He slowly advances on Fez, who somehow just doesn’t get the danger he’s in.   FEZ: Hey, I did you a favor. That girl’s been passed around this town -   KITTY/ERIC/HYDE: NO!   Eric and Hyde pull Red back as Kitty rushes over to Fez and takes him by the shoulders.   KITTY: Okay. You’ve already given him one heart attack. That’s enough. Now hush.   She gently pushes a pouting Fez down to the couch. Eric crosses to the coffee table and grabs a small bowl full of candy.   ERIC: (to Fez) Hey, look, buddy – raisinets!   Instantly happy once more, Fez takes the candy and chows down.   Kitty hurries back over to Red and leads him to the stairs.   KITTY: (to Red) Okay, okay. Naptime.   She sees him halfway up the staircase, then lets him go the rest of the way on his own as she leans over the railing.   KITTY (cont’d): Oh, and Steven, he has a check-up next week during my shift, so I need you to take him.   HYDE: Mrs. Forman, I told you, I’m working then.   KITTY: Oh, that’s right. Eric, could you -   ERIC: No, Mom. I’m not gonna be here, remember? I’m moving away.   KITTY: (beat) Oh, so you’re still going?   ERIC: Yes, I’m still going. It’s college. I have to register for classes.   KITTY: Fine.   ERIC: Mom, I gotta get out of here.   KITTY: (short) Fine!   ERIC: Great.   KITTY: Great!   ERIC: Fine!   Kitty turns away and heads up the stairs. Eric scoffs, points after her and looks to Hyde, “can you believe that?” Hyde offers a shrug, “what can you do?”   The front door opens. In walks LAURIE, suitcase in hand. She sets it down by the couch and crosses to the boys.   LAURIE: (to Eric) Hey, little brother. (to Hyde) Hey, orphan. (to Fez) Hey, hubby.   Fez stands.   FEZ: Don’t “hubby” me! I’m mad at you.   LAURIE: Aww. But I brought you a souvenir.   She pulls a crystal shot glass from her purse and presents it to Fez.   ERIC: Oh, look, Fez, a genuine Cancun shot glass still sticky with tequila.   FEZ: (to Laurie) Aww, you shouldn’t have.   LAURIE: No biggie. Some guy left it in my room.   She struts her way into the kitchen.   CUT TO:   INT. HUB - EVENING   A modest evening. “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesley Gore plays on the jukebox. At a center table, Jackie sits alone, reading a newspaper. Kelso, in a leather jacket and a PPPD T-shirt, enters, struts over to her table and leans on the back of an empty chair.   Jackie barely glances over her paper to look at him, which Kelso takes for her checking him out.   KELSO: Yep. Just picked up the shirt today. It’s a tight fit, so it really shows off all that swimming I’ve been doing.   He makes a show of sliding his jacket off and showing his arms before sitting down. Only then does he notice what Jackie’s up to.   KELSO (cont’d): Are you reading a newspaper?   JACKIE: Yeah.   KELSO: Are you reading the news part of a newspaper?   Jackie raises her eyebrows at him.   JACKIE: That is where the news is, Michael.   KELSO: Yeah, but since when do you read it?   JACKIE: Since I decided to keep up with interesting things going on in the world.   She disappears back behind her paper.   Kelso’s eyes dart back and forth; he’s not used to this from Jackie. He snatches one of the other sections from the table and struggles to get it open and propped up before him in imitation of her.   KELSO: Well, here’s something interesting – Snoopy is playing in a tennis tournament.   Jackie lets out a long breath, refusing to meet Kelso’s stare and smirk.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   The next morning. Kitty is at the stovetop in her somewhat untidy nurse’s uniform, hastily putting together breakfast plates – one with eggs and bacon, one with eggs and pancakes, and one with egg whites and lean ham.   Hyde enters through the patio door in his half-open chef’s jacket, a small pharmacy bag in hand. He drops more than sets it on the counter.   HYDE: Here’s Red’s heart medication, Mrs. Forman.   He lets out a big yawn. Kitty presses a cup of coffee into his hands. He nods in appreciation, takes out a wad of bills from his pants pocket, and throws it on the stovetop. Kitty takes it and pockets it.   KITTY: Thank you, honey. And I’ll get this money put into your savings account on my way home.   HYDE: Mrs. Forman, I’ve told you I don’t need a savings account. Just pay a bill.   Of course, this is the moment when Eric walks in from the living room.   ERIC: “Pay a bill?” (to Kitty) Mom, what does he mean? Is money that tight?   KITTY: It’s nothing.   ERIC: No, ‘cause... I mean, Donna and I are both working, so if you need to take a little out of my college fund -   KITTY: Listen, both of you – the money in those accounts is for you. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine.   She takes the pancake plate and passes it to Eric.   KITTY (cont’d): You just eat your breakfast.   Eric examines his plate.   ERIC: Chocolate-chip caramel whipped cream pancakes? Mom, you’re not gonna bribe me into staying home from school with super sweet breakfast food. (checks the plate) And where are the sprinkles?   KITTY: No, no, the pancakes are an apology. I overreacted before. Of course, you have to go to school.   ERIC: So... that’s it? No guilt?   KITTY: That’s right. Now, I’m late for work. (to Hyde) I’ll pick up the dry cleaning and drop off the packages at the post office. You make sure Red eats his breakfast, and only his breakfast – egg whites and heart-healthy ham. Oh, and remember you promised to give Schatzi his bath.   She pats Hyde’s cheek and hurries out the door.   Hyde looks down at the plate meant for Red, pointedly avoiding Eric’s smirk.   ERIC: Now you’re bathing our wiener dog?   HYDE: (beat) He keeps coming down to the basement. His fur-stink’s become incriminating evidence.   Red enters from the living room. Eric crosses to the kitchen table as Hyde presses Red’s breakfast into his hands.   HYDE (cont’d): Here you go, Red.   Red looks down at his meal.   RED: Where’s the yellow part of these eggs? That’s the baby bird. That’s the part I want to eat.   Hyde crosses his arms and shakes his head, while Eric chuckles and digs into his breakfast.   CUT TO:   INT. HUB – DAY   On a slow afternoon, Donna and Jackie enjoy lunch at a center table.   DONNA: Wow, Jackie. You’ve really been showing Kelso the cold shoulder.   JACKIE: Well, he deserves it. I told him I needed the summer to think things over, and he’s been after me the whole time.   DONNA: I guess that means you choose Hyde.   JACKIE: No! I told him I needed the summer to think things over, and he hasn’t spoken to me that whole time! I am so over them both.   Kelso enters, still in his police shirt and jacket. He strolls over to the girls’ table, grabs at the badge logo printed on his shirt, and stretches it out as if it were a real badge.   KELSO: Ladies. You have the right to remain foxy.   Donna shakes her head. Jackie rolls her eyes, stands, and pushes past Kelso on her way out the door.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   That night. Donna and Eric sit close on the couch, going through college materials.   ERIC: Oh, my God, Donna. Madison has a course called “The Social Significance of Jedi Culture.”   He makes a show of gaping in delight as Donna rolls her eyes.   Kitty, still in nurse’s uniform, comes down the stairs with an entry laundry basket. She crosses to the dryer and begins unloading it.   ERIC (cont’d): Mom, why are you doing laundry? It’s almost midnight.   KITTY: Well, with the double shift, this is the only time I have to do it.   Eric sighs. He sets down the brochure and stands.   ERIC: Okay, don’t do this.   KITTY: Do what?   ERIC: Come down here in the middle of the night, doing laundry, looking like hell -   KITTY: Oh, excuse me!   ERIC: No, I – I’m just saying, you’re trying to make me feel guilty for not leaving, and it’s not gonna work. I can’t stay here, okay? I have to go off and live my life. I deserve that! Mom, I deserve a chance!   KITTY: Okay, okay. No need to use your squeaky voice. I understand that you have to leave. I have bigger things to worry about than making you feel guilty.   She gathers up the laundry and heads back up the stairs.   Donna looks up at Eric, who looks after his mom.   DONNA: Eric, if you feel like you need to stay... I mean, we can talk about -   ERIC: No! No.   He sits back down.   ERIC (cont’d): We’re leaving next week and that’s final.   DONNA: Okay.   They no sooner turn back to the brochure than the basement door opens and Red steps in, wearing pajamas and bathrobe. He has a plate in his hands, with toast that he dips into very runny egg yolks.   RED: (to Eric) Yeah. It’s egg yolks. And I don’t care if you tell your mother. She doesn’t scare me.   KITTY (v.o.): Eric, I almost forgot...   Red tosses the toast aside, drops the plate, and high tails it back up the outside stairwell.   CUT TO:   INT. HALLWAY – DAY   The next day. The upstairs hall of the Pinciotti house. Kelso strolls up to Donna and Jackie’s bedroom door. He’s about to knock when he notices the sounds coming from inside – “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You” by Led Zeppelin, and sniffling. Quietly, he opens the door, and we cut to:   INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - DAY   Kelso finds Jackie curled up on the end of her cot. Her arms and legs are wrapped around a pillow stuffed inside a black Led Zeppelin T-shirt, and a tissue is in her hands. Tears are in her eyes.   Kelso slowly crosses over to Donna’s bed. He points to the record player.   KELSO: That’s Zeppelin. (points to pillow) That’s a Zeppelin shirt. That’s Hyde’s Zeppelin shirt, his favorite one. I know ‘cause one time I tried to use it to clean out a paintbrush. He kicked my ass, stole my shirt, and made me use it instead.   A fresh sob wells up from Jackie’s throat. She turns around so her back is to Kelso.   KELSO (cont’d): You still love him, don’t you? There was never really a choice, was there?   JACKIE: What do you want, Michael?   KELSO: (beat)  Nothing. Look, Jackie... (sits) I know I’ve been with a lot of girls, but you’re the only real serious girlfriend I’ve ever had, and you’ll always be special to me. When I found out you and Hyde were together, I couldn’t believe I’d really lost you for good. And all I could think about was getting you back. But seeing you this summer... I mean, after being with Hyde, and then on your own, you’ve changed. You’re more thoughtful, more well-read – I think you’ve become a complicated woman. And I don’t want none of that.   Jackie turns around just enough to glare at Kelso.   KELSO (cont’d): But I think Hyde still does. And you obviously want him. And you should, because you two were good for each other. Not like us. So... so you don’t have to worry about me chasing you anymore.   Jackie turns all the way around.   JACKIE: Michael, do you mean that?   KELSO:  Yeah. I release you.   He holds his hands out in front of him and mimes a bird’s wings flapping.   KELSO (cont’d): Fly, little bird. Fly, fly away!   He spreads his hands out, looks up, and makes a noise that sounds something like an object getting caught in a ceiling fan.   KELSO (cont’d): (to Jackie) That was you.   Jackie offers a weak chuckle and dabs at her eyes.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   Later that night. Eric and Donna are on the couch again, watching TV. The basement door flies open and Hyde staggers in. His clothes are dirty and torn, there are bite marks on his arm and claw scrapes on his shirt, and Schatzi shakes in his arms.   Eric and Donna both stand.   DONNA: What the hell happened?   HYDE: I was taking Schatzi for a walk, and we got to the corner, and you know the Anderson house there, with the Great Dane? He got out of the yard.   ERIC: Oh, my God. He went for Schatzi?   HYDE: No, he went for me. Schatzi bit the bastard in the groin and then tore his ear and sent him running. It was so badass.   Hyde sets Schatzi down. He struggles to stand back up straight.   ERIC: Man, are you okay?   HYDE: I’m fine. I’ve gotta get ready for my shift, but before that, I need to find that doggie thyroid crap for your little wiener dog.   DONNA: What is with you and animals now? When did you get so knowledgeable on pet care?   HYDE: I got roped into helping with the cat when me and Jackie were...   He trails off; he can’t finish the thought. He drops down into the lawn chair and stairs blankly down at the coffee table.   DONNA: You’re not over her, are you?   Hyde doesn’t answer.   ERIC: You still love her, don’t you? (to Donna) Look at him. So choked up he can’t even speak.   Hyde’s throat pulses. He tugs at the top of his T-shirt.   DONNA: More like he can’t even swallow.   Hyde points to her, “bingo.”   DONNA (cont’d): Okay... Hyde, we’ll take care of Schatzi’s thyroid. Why don’t you go take care of the rabies shot?   Hyde points again, nods, and scrambles to his feet and back out the door.   He’s no sooner gone than Kitty comes downstairs with another empty laundry basket. She goes straight to the dryer and unloads it.   ERIC: Mom, you’re still behind on laundry?   KITTY: Oh, I sat down just to rest my feet for a few minutes when I got home and – and before you know it, I... (checks watch) Oh, God, I’m late for work.   ERIC: You’re working tonight? (points to door) Hyde’s working tonight? You both worked during the day.   KITTY: Well, honey, nights can be our busiest time. Steven makes people a big, salty dinner, and then they come my way. (laughs) Now, there’s food in the... oh, who am I kidding? There’s no food!   She hands Eric the laundry basket and scrambles back up the stairs.   Eric walks over to the deep freeze. He sets the laundry down on it, leans against the basket. He whirls around to face Donna.   ERIC: They can’t do this to me. They cannot do this to me. I gotta get out of here. Of all the people in the history of the world that have ever had to get anywhere, it is me having to get the hell out of here! I have to go! (beat) I have to stay.   He drops down onto the couch.   ERIC (cont’d): Donna, I’m sorry.   Donna sits next to him.   DONNA: Sorry? Eric, I think it’s amazing that you’d do that for your family.   They kiss.   DONNA (cont’d): And, you know, we’ll see each other on weekends.   ERIC: Oh, so you’re still going?   DONNA: Well... yeah, I mean... yeah.   ERIC: Yeah. No. Of course.   DONNA: Oh, come on. I think I know something that might make you feel better.   She leans in to kiss him again. Before she can get things going, though, Eric puts a hand on her knee.   ERIC: Hey, um... can we just, like... could we just sit for a while?   DONNA: Yeah, sure.   She scoots in closer to him. He moves his hand up to her arm, and puts his other arm around her shoulders. They lean their heads against each other and look down at their college brochures on the coffee table.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   EXT. STAIRWELL – NIGHT   Another night. Eric and Donna descend the stairwell. They pause when they hear “Baby Don’t Get Hooked on Me” by Mac Davis coming from behind the door.   ERIC: Uh-oh. Country. Hyde’s sad music.   Hesitating, Donna opens the door. A wall of smoke rushes out to meet them, as we cut to:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   Eric and Donna step into a basement full of diffuse smoke. Hyde sits in his chair with Schatzi in his arms. He’s cackling like a loon, slapping at his knee and swaying in his seat. Snacks of all kinds litter the coffee table.   HYDE: (through laughter) Hey, Forman!   He waves. Eric and Donna give reluctant waves back.   ERIC: So, Hyde... how’s it going, buddy?   HYDE: (laughing) I’m freakin’ miserable, man!   A fresh wave of laughter comes on as he swipes a piece of salami from the coffee table and holds it up for Schatzi.   END.

[zen3to5]

J/H 6-19: Squeeze Box

Episode order continues to shift; "Squeeze Box" is now 6-19.

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   INT. THEATER – DAY   A date at the movies. With a slight crowd before and behind them, ERIC and DONNA slide down an empty middle aisle, into the middle seats. Donna carries a bag of popcorn.   DONNA: You know, before we decided not to have sex –   ERIC: You decided. I'm ready.   DONNA: Right, I decided - movies were just a dark place to fool around before we went home and did it, but now we can really watch the movie. Isn't that great?   ERIC: It's fabulous. I mean, there's nothing I hate more than the feeling that I'm about to have sex.   In the aisle behind them, a blonde – let’s call her SLURPEE – slides down, stops when she sees Eric.   SLURPEE: Hi!   Eric turns around, sees her.   ERIC: Hi. Hey. Hi!   SLURPEE: (beat) Okay!   She continues on her way.   DONNA: (to Eric) Isn't that the girl who sells slurpees? Why’s she saying "hi" to you?   ERIC: I don't know. It's weird. I've never talked to her before. I mean, maybe one time I said, "you're out of spoon straws," but that's it.   The lights dim. The film begins. Donna, attentive to the screen, begins munching on popcorn; Eric mopes.   ERIC (v.o.): (thoughts) Great. Now I have to sit through Kramer vs. Kramer again with no shot at nookie. First time we saw it, I said, "you know, dads can be good parents, too," and Donna's shirt just floated off.   DONNA (v.o.): (thoughts) What is wrong with me? A boy's gonna lose his mother, and all I can think about is fooling around. I am such a dirty girl. I should be spanked. Ooh, stop it!   ERIC (v.o.): (thoughts) Screw it. Sneak attack is my only hope. I'm gonna go with the yawn and grab. Watch out for my hand, pretty mamma, 'cause I'm not really tired.   Eric fakes a yawn and reaches a hand around the back of Donna’s seat.   DONNA (v.o.): (thoughts) Oh, God. It’s the yawn and grab. How do I stop it?   As Eric’s hand reaches down for a squeeze, Donna tips the tub of popcorn over. Popcorn spills all over Eric’s lap.   DONNA: Oops! Oh, sorry.   ERIC: Oh, come on. It's okay.   He brushes off most of the popcorn and turns back to the movie.   ERIC (v.o.): (thoughts) Great. Now my lap's covered in hot buttered popcorn. That's the most action I've gotten in weeks.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   A sunny day. A lazy day. HYDE reads a newspaper as he eats a sandwich at the kitchen table while RED rummages through the fridge. KITTY enters through the patio door.   KITTY: Well, it’s official: Pam’s moving in with Bob. You know, I can’t believe that woman. She’s forcing poor Fez and Michael to carry in box after box loaded with her clothes and undergarments. I don’t even think she’s paying them.   HYDE: No, but I’m pretty sure they’ll help themselves to a few souvenirs.   Kitty shrugs, exits into the living room. Red, beer in hand, crosses to the kitchen table and sits.   RED: You know, I bet you, with all the new crap that’s gonna be cluttering up that house, this is just the excuse Bob needs to “forget” where he put that toolkit I loaned him last week.   HYDE: Why don’t you just go get it now?   RED: I could do that... but why should I when I have you?   HYDE: But I don’t want to go get it.   RED: And I don’t want people your age in my house. But you are your age, and this is my house.   He gives Hyde an ugly grin.   CUT TO:   INT. HALLWAY – DAY   The upstairs hall of the Pinciotti home. BOB, boxes in hand, strolls down one end of the hall just as Hyde comes around the other.   HYDE: Hey, Bob. Red sent me to get his toolkit.   BOB: Oh, sure thing, Steven. (nods to nearest door) Middle shelf on the bedroom bookcase.   He continues on his way. Hyde steps up, opens the door, and is greeted by the sight of PAM, topless. She turns around and smiles at him.   PAM: Hi, Steven.   Hyde’s hand falls off the doorknob. His jaw goes slack. As if in a trance, he turns around and moves as quickly as he can the way he came.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Moments later. Red is back on his feet, preparing a sandwich for himself at the island. Hyde throws the patio door open and slides back into the kitchen. He pulls the door shut, locks it, sits back down at the kitchen table, and looks anywhere but the door as his fingers drum along the table’s edge.   RED: (looks up) So, where’re my tools?   HYDE: Not there.   His eyes settle on the far end of the table. His finger tapping grows faster. Red starts to take notice of Hyde’s nerves.   RED: Not there?   HYDE: Nope. Not there.   RED: They’ve gotta be over there. I know I lent them to Bob. Now you get back over there. I want my tools, dammit!   HYDE: (quickly) Well, think about it, Red. “Your” tools. “Lending” them to Bob. What is the concept of ownership, anyway? Isn’t it all just part of the corrupt capitalist system keeping us down?   RED: What the hell’s the matter with you? I’ve never seen you this twitchy. You’ve been spending too much time with Eric.   He shoves his sandwich aside, crosses to the patio door.   RED (cont’d): Fine. I’ll get the damn things myself.   He unlocks the door and heads outside.   CUT TO:   INT. PINCIOTTI BEDROOM – DAY   The master bedroom of the Pinciotti home. Pam is still walking around topless as the door opens and Red takes a step inside. He freezes the second his eyes spy Pam. She turns and smiles at him.   PAM: Hi, Red.   Red’s hand falls off the doorknob. His jaw goes slack. As if in a trance, he turns around and moves as quickly as he can the way he came.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Red throws the patio door open and slides back into the kitchen. He pulls the door shut, locks it, sits back down at the kitchen table across from Hyde, and looks anywhere but the door as his fingers drum along the table’s edge.   HYDE: You saw ‘em too, didn’t you?   RED: (beat) What the hell is wrong with that house? Open marriages, nudist parties, and now Bob’s sending people into his room without warning while the town lush struts around, exhibiting herself!   HYDE: What do we do about this?   RED: What’s there to do? We didn’t ask for that! As far as I’m concerned, it never happened. We don’t speak of it again, and we don’t say a word to anyone.   HYDE: Maybe that works for you. I just got flashed by Jackie’s mom. I can’t keep that from her. She’s gonna know something happened. She’s like a bloodhound who can sniff out whenever I do anything wrong. Things are still heavy with her and Pam. She’s not gonna like this.   RED: Oh, and Kitty will? Because she’ll find out about two seconds after you tell your loudmouth girlfriend. You just remember this, pal – if I go down from this, I’m taking you with me. And when I take people down, they stay down. Just ask North Korea.   He looks down at the table, scowling. Hyde starts tapping the table edge again.   HYDE: She say “hi” to you, too?   Red rolls his eyes; he still wants to drop it. But Hyde presses on:   HYDE (cont’d): What is that, a come-on?   RED: What woman comes on to their teenage daughter’s boyfriend?   HYDE: I know, right? I mean – I’ve been hit on by older women before, and it was great. Made me feel all naughty. But with this, I just want to reach into my brain and cut out the whole memory of the last ten minutes of my life. It’s not fun anymore.   RED: Well, Steven, that’s what love does – it makes things not fun anymore. Enjoy it.   He turns away again as Hyde’s head twitches this way and that.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Can’t Find Love” by Earth, Wind and Fire.   INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – DAY   The aftermath of the movies. Donna sits at her writing desk, her back to her open door. Her foot taps relentlessly as she talks on the phone.   DONNA: Look, Jackie, Eric and I came really close to doing it, and I am so jacked up on hormones, I feel like I could jump the first guy I see.   As she says this, MITCH comes up the hall and into her doorway, a peach cobbler in hand. He strolls into the room, sets the cobbler down on Donna’s desk, and leans over her shoulder.   MITCH: Then look my way, pretty lady.   Donna jumps slightly; she didn’t notice him come in. She sets the phone down and stands over Mitch.   DONNA: Okay, Mitch, you know I love having you around 'cause you say really nice things about me.   MITCH: Like how the sun pales in radiance to the beauty of your smile?   DONNA: Yeah, like that.   MITCH: Yeah.   DONNA: But I have to talk to Jackie, and it's girl stuff.   She takes Mitch by the arm and pulls him to the door.   MITCH: Oh, you're so strong. You make me feel like Jessica Lange in King Kong.   Donna gives him a shove out into the hall and throws the door shut after him.   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   The next day. Just the boys, but not the usual line-up of boys: FEZ sits in Hyde’s chair, Eric and Mitch share the couch, and KELSO sits in the lawn chair. Eric has a half-finished X-Wing Fighter model in his hands, the open box for it on the coffee table. Eric works on the model with a tool as he talks.   ERIC: You know why Darth Vader went to the dark side? He was dating a redhead who wouldn't put out.   FEZ: So you are like Darth Vader in the sense that you're not getting any, but you are not like Darth Vader in the sense that you are weak and strike fear in no one.   Eric nods, gives Fez the thumbs’ up.   ERIC: Well, this is certainly one way to spend an afternoon.   KELSO: You know, I never really got into making models. Guess I was too busy having sex.   He stands, crosses to the deep freeze.   FEZ: (to Kelso) Hey, I don't have sex, and I still don't build models. I don't have a single model or a single girl. My life is an empty hole.   Mitch looks over Eric’s work so far.   MITCH: Hey, nice job. You put the force field generators on backwards. One photon torpedo, and you're space toast.   He laughs and looks to Fez and Kelso to join in; they just stare.   The basement door flies open and Donna races inside.   DONNA: Okay, Eric, that's it. I think we should have sex.   Eric grins, sets down the X-Wing.   ERIC: Yes!   MITCH: No!   Eric glares at Mitch, but before he can say anything, Donna pulls him to his feet.   DONNA: Okay, I'm going crazy not being with you. You may not be a strong man, but you read my body like braille.   She smiles, and Eric gives her a slight laugh. They take a step in towards each other when:   KELSO: Burn!   They both turn and glare at him.   KELSO (cont’d): Wait. What's braille?   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY   Concurrent with the previous scene. Hyde sits alone on the couch, watching TV. His arms are folded tight and he shifts uncomfortably.   The front door opens, and in walks JACKIE. She smiles when she sees Hyde, moves to sit next to him.   JACKIE: Hey.   HYDE: It was an accident!   His yelp causes her to recoil slightly in her seat.   JACKIE: What?   HYDE: What?   JACKIE: What?   HYDE: What?   JACKIE: Steven, I’ve never seen you this tense. (beams, hugs him) It’s wonderful!   HYDE: It is?   JACKIE: Steven, if I learned anything useful from my mom, it’s that if your man’s not tense when you walk into the room, that means you’re doing something wrong.   She rubs his bare sleeve, pouts her lips at him.   HYDE: Uh... yeah, that’s right. I’m tense because of you. ‘Cause you’re... too pretty.   JACKIE: Aww...   She pecks his cheek. He wipes it on his shoulder, and she massages the spot she pecked.   JACKIE (cont’d): You know, if we can slip down to the basement - I’m early for dinner and I decided to give going braless a try.   Hyde jolts in his seat, edging away from Jackie.   JACKIE (cont’d): (confused) Steven!   HYDE: Well, does it always gotta be about boobs with you? Damn, woman!   Jackie scoffs, “excuse me?” Hyde can’t take the pressure of her stare. He jumps off the couch and retreats into Red’s study. Jackie looks to the TV and throws up her hands, “what was THAT about?”   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - EVENING   Later in the day. Donna has taken Hyde’s chair, with Mitch hovering behind her. Kelso leans on the dryer. Fez and Eric share the couch, with Eric having finished his X-Wing model.   ERIC: Okay, the tractor beam is operational. Don't get too close!   MITCH: (to Donna) You really gonna shine your love light on that?   DONNA: Well, he's a different person between the sheets. What can I say?   KELSO: Hey, guys, tomorrow I have this police test on interrogation techniques. I was wondering if I could practice on somebody.   DONNA: Sure, I’ll help you.   KELSO: Nah, it’s my first time. I’m gonna need someone much more spineless than you. (to Eric) All right, Mr. Forman - if that is indeed your real name - what did you do on the day of today?   ERIC: (gangster voice) You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!   Kelso rips the X-Wing model out of Eric’s hands and hurls it at the coffee table. It shatters into pieces.   ERIC (cont’d): Kelso, what the hell?   KELSO: Oh, just relax, Eric. I'm just doing “good cop, bad cop.” That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you.   He sits down on the couch arm, puts a hand on Eric’s shoulder.   KELSO (cont’d): Hey, how you doin', buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did today?   ERIC: I came home from the restaurant and spent six hours building that model!   MITCH: Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells slurpees?   Donna’s attention snaps to Eric, and Eric and Kelso’s snap to Mitch.   DONNA & KELSO: What?   MITCH: (to Eric) Yeah, you remember. She asked why you never call her anymore. You were like...   Mitch pulls a dumb face and shrugs. Kelso “oohs” and takes a few steps back from Eric – he doesn’t want to be in range of potential fire.   DONNA: (to Eric) Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?   KELSO: Donna, I'm asking the questions here. (to Eric) Was that the girl from the movies?   DONNA: (to Eric) What happened to, "I barely know her"?   KELSO: (to Eric) What happened to, "I barely know her"?   DONNA: Why were you calling her, Eric?   KELSO: Why were you calling her, Eric?   ERIC: Kelso, will you shut up?   KELSO: Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?   He gets right up in Eric’s face. Eric pushes him back by the face, turns to Donna.   ERIC: Look, Donna... maybe I kinda know her. Maybe we kinda went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.   DONNA: (stands) Wait, so, the other day at the movies, you lied to me?   KELSO: Donna, I am the senior officer here. (to Eric) So the other day at the movies, you lied to me?   ERIC: (to Donna) No, I... you know, I mean, it was the movies, you know? It's all make-believe.   DONNA: Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion: anger at your scrawny ass!   Eric sighs, closes his eyes. Mitch, behind Donna’s back, pumps a fist before reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder.   MITCH: I'm just glad I could help the truth be told.   DONNA: Yeah, at least someone's being honest around here.   With a last glare at Eric, she storms up the stairs.   Mitch looks to Eric, with a grin that would make the Grinch green(er) with envy.   ERIC: Mitch, what the hell?   MITCH: What? I thought you came off looking great. Oh, wait - that was me.   He grins again and follows Donna up the stairs.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Double Vision” by Foreigner.   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING   Dinner preparations are underway. Red and Hyde sit at the table, and Jackie sits on the island, watching as Kitty puts the finishing touches on a tray of roast chicken.   KITTY: Jackie, are you sure you want to be here for a dinner welcoming your mom to the neighborhood?   JACKIE: Well, she made things up with Bob and she’s trying to sort out her priorities, so I think she’s earned it. That, and I don’t trust the hotel food when Steven’s not in the kitchen. I saw one of the other chefs – he has an eyepatch. I’m worried he’s got a talking parrot somewhere he’s gonna get mad at, pluck, and try to pass off as quail.   KITTY: You know, I’m worried I didn’t get enough chicken. These breasts look so small.   Hyde and Red both flinch at the word “breasts.”   Red glares at Hyde.   RED: (hushed) Not a word.   The patio door opens up. Bob and Pam enter, Pam bearing a bottle of Kahlua and a low-cut top.   BOB: Hey there, hi there, ho there.   PAM:  (to Hyde & Red) Hi, boys.   They both silently moan and look down at the table, even as Bob and Pam move into the room and take positions where Pam’s breasts are right above Hyde’s head. His face starts twitching.   PAM: Oh, Kitty, every time I come to this house I’m amazed by how much you’ve done with so little.   Kitty doesn’t acknowledge that. Bob takes the bottle of Kahlua, sets it on the island.   BOB: (to Kitty) Here. Pam wanted to get you cookies, but I know how much you like the sauce.   KITTY: Uh-huh. (to Red) Do these breasts look big enough?   Red flinches again, recoils in his seat.   RED: I’m not comfortable with that question.   KITTY: What?   RED: What?   KITTY: What?   RED: What?   Hyde’s fingers start drumming along the table edge again. Jackie hops off the island and crosses to him.   JACKIE: Steven, what is wrong with you?   KITTY: (to Red) What is wrong with you?   RED:  There is nothing wrong with –   HYDE: WE SAW PAM’S RACK!   All eyes are on him. Red is furious, Bob mildly surprised, Pam sympathetic, and Kitty and Jackie stunned.   HYDE: (beat) So – this is what it’s like, being Forman.   He puts a hand over his shades under the continued combined stairs of the others.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING   Right where we left off. Jackie still glares at him, but some of the pressure is off Hyde – Kitty is now glowering at Red, who gives her his full attention.   KITTY: You saw Pam’s... Pam’s...   She gestures towards Pam’s body, ending by indicating her breasts. She takes note of Pam’s top.   KITTY (cont’d): Well, they’re halfway out already, so why don’t we just throw them out for everyone to see?   BOB: It was the day she moved in.   All eyes flicker to Bob.   BOB (cont’d): Yeah, Pammy told me. At first, I thought I should be mad, but then I thought, “hey, I sent ‘em in there, and it’s a great view.”   He looks to Pam, who smiles, shrugs, and nods.   PAM: (to Hyde, Red) And don’t feel bad, you guys. This isn’t the first time my body has caused a fight. One time, I caused a riot on a topless beach in Venezuela. Imagine what you saw, only all tanned and oiled.   Red and Hyde both put their hands over their faces.   JACKIE: Okay, Mom? Maybe now’s not the best time to talk about what a sensation your looks made while you were drinking your way through Latin America – where apparently, they don’t believe in locking the door! (to Hyde) And I can’t believe you saw my mother naked and didn’t tell me about it right away!   HYDE: (points to Red) He told me not to!   Red’s jaw drops as he glares at Hyde, “how could you?”   HYDE (cont’d): Yeah. You thought this was North Korea? We’re in Vietnam, man! Game over!   They stare each other down from across the table, even as their women still glare at them. Bob and Pam stand a few feet back, watching with amusement.   BUMPER   SPLIT SCREEN: INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM/INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   In Donna’s room, she and Jackie sit on the bed together. In the basement, Eric and Hyde sit on the couch together. Hyde has SCHATZI in his arms and scratches his head throughout the scene.   ERIC: Man, Donna is so pissed at me.   DONNA: I am so pissed at Eric. I can’t believe he lied to me about that girl. I mean, we’re getting married. I should know everything about him.   ERIC: But, I mean, we’re already getting married. Do we have to know everything about each other?   DONNA: If I have to know that he wore a bathing suit in the tub until he was 12 – (sees Jackie’s expression) Yeah, tell everybody – I should know who he dated.   ERIC: Donna playing “anteater” in her backyard, eating bugs until she was nine? Was perfectly happy not knowing that, thank you very much.   JACKIE & HYDE: God, will you shut up? Maybe other people have relationship problems too.   ERIC: Oh, I’m sorry, Hyde. Is something wrong?   DONNA: What the hell’s with you?   JACKIE/HYDE: Steven saw my mother topless./I saw Pam topless.   DONNA: Oh, God.   ERIC: All right!   He holds his hand up for a high five, which Hyde doesn’t return. Donna puts an arm around Jackie’s shoulders.   JACKIE: And the worst part is, he tried to keep it from me! He’s my boyfriend. Any time he sees another woman’s boobs, he’s supposed to say something.   HYDE: The worst part is, it was the finest rack I’ve ever seen. And that includes nudie flicks and Playboy centerfolds. And I’d still take back ever seeing it so I didn’t upset Jackie.   ERIC: Yeah. I’d really like to break my record for not upsetting Donna by making it past one week.   DONNA: Speaking of naked sluts, you don’t think Eric and that girl...   Mitch leans into frame in Donna’s room.   MITCH: Made sweet, emotional love? Yes, I do.   Eric reaches over to scratch Schatzi’s ears, but Schatzi barks and nips at his fingers, and Eric quickly recoils.   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT   The aftermath of dinner. Kitty, terse and sharp in her movements, packs up the chicken for refrigerating. Red is still at the kitchen table, looking pleadingly up at her.   RED: Kitty, I said I was sorry. All I did was open the door, and there she was! Was I supposed to rip the eyes out of my head?   Kitty slams the wrapped chicken down on the stovetop and turns to Red.   KITTY: Oh, shut up, Red! I can’t even stand to look at you!   RED: And yet you do. Because your eyes work? You see my problem?   Kitty’s frown deepens. She puts her hands on her hips.   KITTY: You don’t even know why I’m upset, do you?   RED: Of course I do! (beat) But why should I deprive you of one of your favorite pastimes – telling me why you’re upset?   KITTY: Red, I know you’re not a peeping tom. And, good lord, that woman’s always one Jell-O shot from giving it away. I mean, I’ve never even seen a freaking panty line on her! But I’m upset that you went out of your way not to tell me about this, and that you made Steven do the same thing to Jackie.   RED: (stands) But Kitty, the only reason I didn’t tell you was because I didn’t want you to be upset!   KITTY: Well, that sure backfired, didn’t it?   Red runs a hand down his face. He takes a step in to Kitty.   RED: Look, Kitty, I’m sorry.   KITTY: (beat) I know.   She steps in, pulls his head down so she can kiss his cheek.   KITTY (cont’d): So – how’s she look?   Red recoils.   RED: I’m not comfortable with that question.   KITTY: Oh, come on, Red. Pam talks herself up all the time – how does the show measure up?   She playfully pokes at Red’s sides. He dodges, moves around her. Kitty stays right behind him, poking at his sides and smacking his butt. Laughing, she chases him out of the kitchen, over all his grunting protests.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   Eric, Hyde, and Schatzi are still on the couch. They’ve been joined by Kelso, in Hyde’s chair, and Fez, in the lawn chair.   KELSO: (to Hyde) Completely naked?   Hyde sighs; he’s done talking about this.   HYDE: (warning) Yes.   Kelso, mouth gaping, looks to Fez, who wears the same expression.   FEZ: Oh, if only we had stayed around after moving in her panties.   The basement door opens. Donna and Jackie storm in, Mitch following after with a nasty smirk.   DONNA: Okay, Eric, there's something I need to know. Did you or did you not do it with the slurpee slut?   ERIC: (stands) What?   MITCH: (to Donna) Oop! He answered a question with a question. That means he's guilty. Now let's ditch him and carry me out of here.   ERIC: Donna, I did not sleep with her.   DONNA: Well, you lied to me about her before, so why should I believe you now?   ERIC: You don't believe me? Fine. Let me show you what I was doing while you were with Casey.   He climbs over the couch and disappears into Hyde’s room.   Jackie moves to stand behind the couch, just to Hyde’s right, and glares down at him.   JACKIE: Hey, Steven, the next time Eric steps out with the slurpee slut, maybe you should tag along. You might get another free show out of it!   FEZ: (to Hyde) You wouldn’t even need Eric. I’ve bought many a slurpee from her, and from what I can tell, she’ll do it with anyone.   HYDE: Did she do it with you?   FEZ: No, she has way too much self-respect for that.   Eric returns, a box in hand. It is overflowing with Star Wars models.   ERIC: Okay, Donna. This is a box full of models that I made while you were with Casey Kelso.   Mitch pokes around inside the box.   MITCH: Look at this. TIE Fighters, assault vehicles, and troop transports. All with minor defects in workmanship. (points to Eric) Yeah, he made these, all right.   DONNA: (to Eric) So this is what you did when we were apart? (smiles) Oh, my horny nerd boy.   JACKIE: Aww... that’s like Steven looking after Schatzi when we were broken up. Except watching a dog is caring and sensitive, whereas Eric’s models are geeky and pathetic.   Eric and Donna both glare at her. She shrugs, sits on the back of the couch, and reaches down to pet Schatzi.   Eric sets the box down.   ERIC: Donna, there's a reason I didn't tell you about her. She wasn't important. The whole time we broke up, you know... you know I never stopped loving you.   DONNA: Eric...   She takes him in her arms, and they kiss.   ERIC: So, can I suggest that we honor the age-old tradition of making up after a fight, not just spiritually, but physically?   DONNA: How about a brand-spanking new tradition where I buy you a milkshake and a Playboy?   ERIC: Donna, whoa. I'm insulted. I do not need a milkshake. Let's go.   Hand in hand, they exit out the door.   MITCH: What, so they're back together and everything's fine? That sucks.   He exits out the door too.   Hyde twists around in his seat to look up at Jackie.   HYDE: Hey, sorry about the thing with your mom. I wanted to tell you before, but Red got all freaked.   Jackie sighs, slides over the back of the couch to sit next to Hyde.   JACKIE: Well, it’s not your fault. Mom just doesn’t care who sees her. She used to walk around our house topless all the time.   Kelso and Fez both stand.   KELSO: That’s it. We gotta get over to Bob’s.   They both race up the stairs.   Hyde sets Schatzi down on the coffee table. Jackie leans over to pet him, even as Hyde leans into her.   HYDE: You still giving the braless thing a try?   Jackie looks up at him, raises her eyebrows.   HYDE (cont’d): Hey, I’m fine with things being all about boobs as long as they’re yours.   Jackie smiles, “awws,” and gives him a quick kiss.   JACKIE: But what did you learn from all this?   HYDE: That, if he’s only worried about Mrs. Forman, you can totally get away with burning Red.   Jackie tries to pout at him, but a smile breaks through. Hyde just grins and scratches under Schatzi’s chin.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT   The Pinciotti house. Kelso and Fez creep up to the bedroom door on their tiptoes. Each bears a massive grin, and each titters in anticipation.   KELSO: Ready?   Fez nods eagerly. Kelso grabs the door handle, throws the door open... and reveals the sight of a stark-naked Bob, toweling himself off.   He turns around, sees the boys, smiles, and shrugs.   BOB: Oopsie doosie.   Fez and Kelso throw their arms around each other and hold each other tight as they scream for their lives, unable to look away.   END.

[zen3to5]

J/H 6-18: Substitute

Of all the Pam Burkhart episodes, this was probably the most fun to rewrite. Jackie moving into the hotel is an idea I'm pretty happy with, and the rewrites here meant reducing Mitch's part, which was great (Pam isn't a great character, but she's largely innocuous; I can't stand Mitch in these episodes.)

We're assuming that episode order shifts around a little here; "Substitute" is now 6-18. We assume that 6-17, "Happy Jack," plays out as we know it.

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY   A simple hotel room at the Point Place Hotel: bed, bath, a crappy black-and-white TV. But this basic layout has brightly colored pillows and glittery framed portraits to jazz it up. JACKIE goes around the room, adjusting her things on the bed and dresser.   DONNA enters, a box full of stuffed unicorns in her arms.   DONNA: Here you go: one box worth of unicorns. Which leaves three boxes worth still in my room.   JACKIE: Yeah, I don’t have space for everything here. But, this way, you won’t have to miss me. Every morning, when you wake up, those happy unicorn faces will be a little piece of Jackie to brighten up your day.   Donna laughs as she sets down the box.   DONNA: You know, Jackie, I am gonna miss you. Since you’ve started living with us, my dad’s finally had someone to watch The Love Boat with. Are you sure you won’t change your mind?   JACKIE: I’m sure, Donna. When my mom came back, I stayed with you and your dad because I couldn’t go back to living with her. If she’s still moving into your house, then I can’t be there.   Donna opens her arms, and Jackie steps in for a big hug.   DONNA: Okay, I’m gonna go. We’ll hold on to the rest of your stuff.   JACKIE: Just don’t lose any of it inside your giant shoes.   They both smile, and Donna exits.   She’s no sooner gone than HYDE enters, three keys in his hand. He presents them to Jackie.   HYDE: Okay, Jackie. Here’s your room key, the kitchen key if you ever need me, and the master key. Gets you in to all the closets, cabinets – basically all the towels, soaps, and booze you could want.   JACKIE: Guests aren’t supposed to have this.   HYDE: (shrugs) Neither are kitchen staff.   Jackie nods, “a-ha,” and puts the keys away.   HYDE: Hey, so, Forman’s taking the guys mini golfing. You wanna come?   JACKIE: No. I just want to lie down for a while.   HYDE: Okay.   He kisses her forehead.   HYDE (cont’d): I’ll check in on you when I come back for my shift. I’ll make dinner.   JACKIE: Hey, I hadn’t thought of that - with you working here, it’s like I have my own personal valet. Will you bring me breakfast in bed every morning for room service?   HYDE: No.   JACKIE: Will you bring me fresh towels and make the bed every day?   HYDE: No.   JACKIE: (beat) Will you be late to mini golf and help me “break in” the bed?   HYDE: Anything to make your stay more comfortable.   They both smile and step into a kiss. Jackie puts her arms around Hyde’s neck and pulls him down on top of her on the bed.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   EXT. GOLFCOURSE – DAY   The Point Place mini golf course, with all the charmingly tacky landmarks you’d expect of a small-town setup like this. ERIC, FEZ, and KELSO watch as a YOUNG BOY putts his ball into the windmill and sinks it. The guys give a quiet golf clap. Once the boy runs off, Fez moves into position to take his shot.   Hyde walks up between Eric and Kelso. His walk is just a little awkward and bow-legged.   HYDE: Hey. Sorry I’m late.   ERIC: Oh, did moving Jackie into the hotel take more time than you thought?   HYDE: No, we were done with that a while ago.   ERIC: (shrugs) Man, she must really be upset at her mom. I mean, I don’t think Pam’s even moved in with Bob yet.   KELSO: She hasn’t. On my weekends home from the police academy, I’ve been staking out all your houses for surveillance practice. Pam’s still not camping at the Pinciotti’s. But she and Bob are really getting Bob’s money’s worth out of that hot tub.   FEZ: FORE!   He takes, not a gentle put, but a full-on swing.   ERIC: WHOA!   Fez’s ball goes sailing over the course and out towards the parking lot.   HYDE: Watch out!   ERIC: Parking lot!   Glass shatters. Fez, Eric, and Hyde all wince.   KELSO: Eh, it was just a Pinto.   Eric and Hyde round on Fez.   HYDE: Fez, this is putt-putt. Your choices are putt or putt.   Before Fez can respond, a short – very short – figure steps out from behind the nearby counter – MITCH, in the silliest of golf hats.   MITCH: Hey, what the hell? (sees Eric) Oh, Forman. I should’ve known it was you guys. Most people who come here can’t hit the ball that hard on account of they’re in kindergarten.   ERIC: Mitch. Congratulations. This seems like the perfect job for someone your size, what with the free lodging in the little castle at hole six.   MITCH: Yeah, there’s just enough room in there for me and your mom.   The guy all “ooh.”   KELSO: (to Eric) Yeah, the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.   MITCH: Look, just quit hitting the ball that hard, or you guys are out of here.   He pokes at Eric’s chest and goes back to the counter.   ERIC: God, I hate that guy. Tear him a new hole in one.   HYDE: Wow, Forman. Haven’t seen you this pissed since I chased you around your house with that spider in a jar. You were, like - (doing Eric) “Hyde, I swear to God!” (normal voice) But you never did anything.   ERIC: Yeah? Well, I’m about to do something.   He tees up for his shot and, like Fez, gives a full swing. His ball shoots up, ricochets off the windmill, and flies over to the counter, where Mitch is on the phone. The ball beans him in the head. Mitch drops the phone and drops like a rock. The guys drop their clubs and rush over.   BUMPER   INT. HOTEL HALL – DAY   Later in the afternoon. A row of doors. From one, ROY stumbles out, a woman’s kimono clutched in his hands. The door slams shut behind him.   Roy clutches at the kimono and stares blankly at the door. He doesn’t notice Jackie come up behind him until she taps him on the shoulder.   JACKIE: Hey, Roy.   ROY: Oh, hey, Jackie. How’re you liking the hotel?   JACKIE: Well, it’s nice to have a maid again. And she has a bigger moustache than my dad, just like our maid back home. (nods to kimono) Whatcha got there?   ROY: Oh, you know we’re having that Japanese cultural festival in the hotel this week? Yeah, there’s these dancers who put on a show. They wear these kimonos.   JACKIE: Oh, was that one lost?   ROY: No, I was in their room when they came in, so I hid in the closet. They threw me out.   He looks down at his feet, unable to meet Jackie’s raised, condescending brows.   An extremely hairy man in a flowered sundress and a hand fan comes up the hall, behind Jackie and Roy. They are slow to turn and notice him, but when they do, Jackie’s eyes bulge out and she takes a step back. Roy takes the sight in stride.   ROY (cont’d): Oh, hey, Frank.   FRANK snaps his fan shut and shakes it at Roy.   FRANK: I’ve told you – when I’m here in my gown, you call me Lady Laguna!   JACKIE: (scoffs) You call that a gown?   Frank’s glare snaps her way. Jackie inches toward Roy, who holds the kimono out between them and Frank like a shield.   JACKIE (cont’d): Whatever the lady says.   Frank gives her a brusque nod. He proceeds down the hall, his head turned to watch Jackie and Roy the entire time.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel.   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   For once, the basement is empty. Magazines, comics, and a Millennium Falcon-shaped carrying case full of action figures cover the coffee table. Not that the basement stays empty: Kelso opens the door and leads in Hyde and Eric, supporting Mitch between them. Fez brings up the rear. Mitch has a large bandage covering his forehead.   The guys see Mitch over to the couch, where they set him down in the center seat. Eric sits to his right as Hyde crosses to his chair, Fez sits in the lawn chair, and Kelso sits on Mitch’s left.   ERIC: Mitch, I am so sorry. The doctor said it was only a mild concussion, so...   MITCH: What? I’ve lost the ability to process language, on account of I have a concussion! (sighs) Forman, why are we always fighting? I can’t even remember how we got this way.   KELSO: I’ve had chicks say that to me.   FEZ: No. That was me.   Kelso and Fez share an awkward look.   MITCH: (to Eric) Don’t you think that we should be friends? I mean, we’re pretty much the same guy. We’re into all the same stuff – Spider-Man, Batman, Famous Monsters of Filmland... (sees Star Wars toys) And Star Wars! Look at this!   He picks up the Darth Vader figure from the case.   MITCH (cont’d): I can’t believe you got a hold of the Darth Vader with the green lightsaber! Pew! Pew! Pew!   He starts swinging the doll around as he makes the noise. Eric shakes his head and takes the doll from him.   ERIC: What? No, no. It’s –   He proceeds to make more accurate, and more nerdy, lightsaber sound effects.   ERIC: (to Hyde) What a geek.   FEZ: (to Kelso) They look happy. Why don’t we have a game?   KELSO: Man, you are always on about that these days. “Why don’t we have a song? Why don’t we have a movie?”   FEZ: If you gave me an answer, maybe I wouldn’t always be on about it.   KELSO: Look, can we not do this when we have company over? We’ll talk about it later.   FEZ: Oh, sure. Later, later, always later, but later never comes!   They both snap their heads away from each other. Eric, Mitch, and Hyde take a moment to stare at them before going back to their business.   MITCH: Come on, Eric. Let’s hang out.   ERIC:   Okay, well... you’re obviously having some kind of reaction to your medications. Why don’t you just give your dad a call, get a ride home.   He indicates the phone. Mitch looks down, puts a finger to his bandage, and pokes at it repeatedly.   MITCH:  (on each poke) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.   Eric heaves a deep sigh, rolls his eyes, and hands Darth Vader back to Mitch.   ERIC:  You can be Darth Vader. Just don’t wreck the lightsaber.   MITCH: Really? Thanks!   He starts swinging Darth Vader around again, with inaccurate sound effects.   HYDE: Uh, Forman?   Hyde stands, takes Eric by the arm, and pulls him to the deep freeze.   HYDE (cont’d): (hushed) Man, what the hell are you thinking? We’ve already got a weak, squeaky nerd-boy hanging around here – you. And Mitch doesn’t have any of your better qualities, like a house I can live in. I mean, look at him.   He points over to Mitch, who is pointing to Kelso. More specifically, he’s leaning into Kelso, his finger hovering just barely away from Kelso’s temple.   KELSO: What are you doing?   MITCH: I’m not touching you.   KELSO: Stop it.   MITCH: But I’m not touching you.   KELSO: Stop not touching me!   MITCH: Okay.   He gives Kelso a sharp poke to the temple.   MITCH (cont’d): (laughs) Wasn’t it better when I wasn’t touching you?   KELSO: (laughs) Yeah.   Mitch puts his finger back up, and Kelso does the same to him. Eric looks back to Hyde.   ERIC:  Look, Mitch knows I’m just being nice, okay? This can’t last more than a few days, tops. And, I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?   The basement door opens, and Donna enters.   MITCH: (to Donna) Oh, wow! You are gorgeous! You’re the hottest redhead since Batgirl! And you’re not just gorgeous – I mean, you radiate intelligence and deep thought. A real sense of self.   DONNA: Eric, I like your new friend.   She smiles at a beaming Mitch as Eric and Hyde share a look.   BUMPER   INT. HOTEL – NIGHT   The hotel ballroom. It is filled with booths, stands, tables, and small stages, all for the Japanese cultural festival, which has drawn a healthy nighttime crowd. At a makeshift Japanese steakhouse grill, the chef performs for the gathered crowd, slicing and preparing fish with an elaborate display of cutting and knife throwing.   Jackie sits at the bar watching. She is wearing a dark floral kimono, with her hair in a French twist style held with chopsticks. Hyde, in his chef’s jacket, comes up behind her.   HYDE: Oh, I could get used to this look.   Jackie turns around, stands.   JACKIE: Oh, there you are.   She kisses him.   HYDE: How’s it going?   JACKIE: Well, I was yelled at by Lady Laguna, the concierge keeps inviting me to the “private suite” under his desk, and Roy’s offered me a charming look at what Fez will be like in 20 years.   HYDE: Now, Jackie, that’s not fair. Fez has actually had a girlfriend.   Jackie considers that, shrugs.   HYDE (cont’d): Look, man, if this isn’t working out, then maybe you can move back with –   JACKIE: No, no – I’m fine. (sighs) Can we just go back to my room and have some dinner?   HYDE: Sure. Hope you don’t mind salad and burgers. Roy didn’t shut the freezer all the way when he went in there to cry, so the ground beef’s about the only thing left that’s not a 50/50 risk of salmonella.   They hold hands and start to head for the exit when they bump into another couple – RED and KITTY. And BOB is with them too.   JACKIE: Oh! Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Forman. Hi, Mr. Pinciotti.   KITTY: Well, hello, Jackie.   BOB: Hi there, Jackie. Isn’t this festival great? (points to grill) I love this one. It’s not just dinner. It’s a thrill ride, ‘cause there’s a small chance you’re getting knifed.   RED: I don’t know, Bob. I’ve tried to avoid Asians with weapons ever since 7,000 of them tried to kill me.   KITTY: (laughs) Well, it’s thanks to the work of brave men like you that America’s enemies are now performing at a tiny local festival in a two-star hotel.   JACKIE: What are you all doing here?   BOB: Pammy thought it’d make a good double date.   JACKIE: Wait, my mom’s here?   BOB: Yep. She’s just freshening up.   JACKIE: (to Hyde) My room, Steven. Now.   She lets Hyde lead her by the hand around the adults. Bob starts after them.   BOB: Come on, Jackie. Give your mom a chance. I think she really wanted to come here so she could see you.   Jackie pulls Hyde to a stop, rounds on Bob.   JACKIE: Well, I don’t want to see her, so you can stop trying to help her get to me.   BOB: I just don’t like seeing you two not get along. And your mom’s been such a peach since we got together. I wanna help you two out.   JACKIE: Well, she doesn’t deserve it! Steven, is there another way out of here? A back door or a secret bookcase passage?   HYDE: Okay, someone’s had a relapse on Nancy Drew.   Nevertheless, he takes her away from the main entrance to a small door in the far corner.   JACKIE: God, I can’t believe Bob! Why can’t he just accept that I don’t want to see my...   Hyde opens the door to:   INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT   A small hallway connecting just two doors, a staff passageway. Inside, Jackie and Hyde find two people making out – PAM and a Japanese man dressed for the grill.   JACKIE: MOM?   Pam breaks away from her partner, breathless.   PAM: Oh, Jackie, there you are. Meet Hirohito.   HIROHITO smiles and waves. Jackie, eyes wide, rounds on Hyde.   JACKIE: What is it with this hotel and cheating?   Hyde shifts on his feet as Jackie turns back to her mom, gaping.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT   Right where we left off. As Hyde and Hirohito stand uncomfortably by, Jackie advances on Pam.   JACKIE: Mom, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be here with Bob.   PAM: Oh, you ran into Bob. Isn’t he just a doll, bringing me here? Who would’ve thought a man with such bad dress sense could be so sweet?   JACKIE: Yeah, Bob is sweet. And you’re cheating on him! With some cook at a crappy hotel!   She can feel Hyde’s eyes on the back of her neck. She steps back to him and puts a hand on his chest.   JACKIE (cont’d): Which can be a good thing, if you’ve got the right combination of looks and brains to make up for it, and if you’re not with someone else.   PAM: Oh, honey, don’t be silly. Hirohito’s only here for the festival. His day job is as a Lincoln dealer.   HIROHITO: 34th and Donegal.   JACKIE: (gasps) Lincolns? Could you get a deal on a pink – no, no! (to Pam) Mom, how can you do this to Bob? He really likes you, and he’s done nothing but stick up for you since you came back to town.   PAM: Oh, Bob will be fine.   JACKIE: No, he won’t! Bob’s had a horrible time with break-ups before, but he’s never had anyone cheat on him. How can you do this when you’re moving in together?   PAM: Well... Jackie, the truth is, when you wouldn’t speak to me after I came back, when Bob asked me out, it seemed like the only way I could see you. And when he asked me to move in, I thought it was a way you and I could be together. But now that you’ve moved out... did I mention Hirohito has a summer home back east?   HIROHITO: Cape Cod.   JACKIE: (to Pam) So you just used Bob to try and get to me? Mom, you can’t just throw your looks at some guy and use him to get whatever you want. I’ve learned the world doesn’t work like that.   PAM: Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have sent you to public school.   JACKIE: Just think, Mom. What if it had worked? You and me would be back home, or living with this Hirohito guy, but what happens when someone else comes along who’s richer? Or what happens when you get another chance to run off to Mexico, or Paris, or Milan?   HIROHITO: Kyoto is lovely this time of year, too.   Everyone turns to glare at him.   HIROHITO (cont’d): But, carry on.   JACKIE: (to Pam) Mom, all this does is show me that you’re still running from one place to another, looking for something better instead of just being happy with what you have. That’s why you left after Daddy went to prison, and it’s why I haven’t wanted to see you. And why I still don’t.   She passes Pam and Hirohito and runs out the other end of the hallway. Pam shifts on her feet, Hirohito scratches at the back of his neck.   Hyde takes a step toward them.   HYDE: (to Hirohito) Hey, if the Lincoln thing doesn’t work out, this crappy hotel does actually need a cook for weekend shifts. Just one thing – (points to Pam) No dogs allowed in the kitchen.   He passes them and follows after Jackie.   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   The next morning. The Toyota rests in the driveway, the hood popped. Eric holds a flashlight for Red as he works on the engine. Kitty is in the Toyota, behind the wheel.   RED: (to Eric) I just think it’s pretty suspicious that after we left the Japanese festival, our Japanese car broke down.   Eric’s chance to throw some snark at that xenophobia is cut short when Mitch strolls up the driveway.   MITCH: (to Eric) Hey, buddy.   Kitty steps out of the car to take a look at Eric’s new friend. Mitch makes a show of reacting to her.   MITCH (cont’d): Whoa, Eric, you didn’t tell me you had an older sister.   ERIC: Oh, please. If you’re gonna go with fake charm, let’s keep it in the realm of reality, okay?   KITTY: Oh, you shut your porky mouth. I have the skin of a 25-year old. Who smokes.   Mitch turns to Red, polishing a nut.   MITCH: You know, Mr. Forman, I learned a little about cars from my uncle who used to fix tanks in Vietnam. Now that’s hero’s work, fixing machines that kill people you don’t agree with. My only regret is that I haven’t yet had a chance to fight for my country.   RED: Really? Eric’s only regret is that he doesn’t live in space.   ERIC: That’s not my only regret. It’s just one of them.   He goes back to holding the flashlight, only now, it’s for Mitch.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   A truncated gathering. Kelso leans on the deep freeze, nursing a popsicle, Donna sits in Hyde’s chair, Eric on the back of one end of the couch, Mitch in the seat on the other end, and Fez in the lawn chair. “My Best Friend’s Girl” by the Cars plays on the radio.   Fez, Kelso, and especially Eric wear long faces as Donna humors Mitch’s nerdy babble.   MITCH: So I’m at this garage sale, and I look down, and there they were – Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan, all in mint condition! It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. (to Donna) At least until I met you.   Donna giggles, runs a hand through her hair. Eric climbs down from the back of the couch and stands over Mitch.   ERIC: Okay, Mitch. Don’t you have something you need to do?   MITCH: You know, you’re right. I almost forgot. I said I’d make omelets for everyone! (points to Kelso) Onions... (points to Fez) Peppers... (points to Donna) And only the most succulent of honey-glazed ham for a honey-red honey.   ERIC: Okay, “honey-red?” That’s not even a thing!   Donna giggles, nudges Eric with her foot.   DONNA: That sounds great, Mitch.   Kelso and Fez nod their approval. Mitch nods back, heads up the stairs.   Eric sits down in the couch seat closest to Donna.   ERIC: Donna, why do you keep encouraging Mitch?   DONNA: Eric, it’s no big deal.   ERIC: Yes, it is. Look, he already likes everything I like, he’s buttering up my parents, now he’s making moves on you... it’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers if the pod people were all leprechauns.   Kelso crosses to the other end of the couch, near Fez, and sits down.   FEZ: Okay, Kelso. I have a game we can have. Truth or Dare?   KELSO: (rolls eyes) All right, fine. Truth.   FEZ: Have you ever snuck into Donna’s bathroom when she was showering?   Eric and Donna look over at Kelso. He shifts in his seat.   KELSO: (to Fez) I mean, dare.   FEZ: Oh, come on, out with the truth! I know you’ve snuck in there. I was there, and I saw you!   Donna and Eric, and Kelso, look to him, as Mitch comes down the stairs with two plates in hand.   FEZ: I mean, dare, yes. Dare.   MITCH: Oh, are you guys playing Truth or Dare? I’m in.   He passes the plates in his hands to Kelso and Donna, then takes a seat in the hoppity hop.   MITCH (cont’d): Okay, Mitch – truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. (gasps) Mitch! Naughty Mitch.   DONNA: (laughing) Mitch, you goofball, that’s not how it works. It’d have to be, like, “I dare you to kiss me.”   MITCH: (shrugs) Okay.   He leaps from the hoppity hop onto Donna with a massive kiss.   ERIC: What the hell?   KELSO: (laughs) He did it!   FEZ: Look at him go! He’s like a hummingbird!   Donna pushes Mitch off her, helped by Eric pulling him off.   ERIC: Mitch, I can’t believe you! You just flew at her like one of the little monkeys from The Wizard of Oz!   DONNA:  Eric, relax. He was just fooling around. He didn’t mean anything by it.   MITCH: Yeah, Eric. What’s a little fooling around among friends? (to Donna) Wait, what was that second thing you said?   ERIC: (to Mitch) We’re not friends, man! We never were! I only let you hang out here because I felt bad for you, but guess what? I don’t like you! And neither does anyone else!   MITCH: (beat) Fine. I won’t bother you guys anymore.   Head bowed, he makes his way to the basement door. He exits, then immediately sticks his head back in.   MITCH (cont’d): Somebody needs to check Fez’s omelet in about three minutes!   He exits again.   Eric sighs, sits back down. The others all eye him carefully; they don’t often see that kind of outburst from him.   KELSO: Well, that was brutal.   DONNA: Yeah. Nice going, Eric.   ERIC: What? Donna, he just mauled you like a miniature French cat.   DONNA: Yeah, well... he worshipped me, okay? I always thought Jackie was ridiculous for falling for stuff like that, but I swear, I thought Mitch was gonna light a fire and dance around me!   KELSO: Yeah, I feel bad for the little guy. I just wanna put him up on my shoulders and buy him a balloon. (to Fez) So, Fez – what if I dared you to kiss Donna?   Fez sits up, intrigued. Donna rolls her eyes.   BUMPER   INT. HOTEL – DAY   Day 2 of the Japanese cultural festival. A thinner crowd in the daytime. Jackie walks the floor in her regular clothes. She finds Roy doing the same thing, clipboard in hand.   JACKIE: Hi, Roy. So, any more luck with the Japanese dancers?   ROY: I think so. One of them came to see me in the kitchen this morning. She was screaming, “give me back my kimono,” but...   He trails off, shrugs. Jackie gives him an indulgent nod and continues on her way.   She passes by the Japanese steakhouse set-up, where Hirohito is working the grill. Pam and Bob are at the bar. Before they can see her, Jackie ducks behind a nearby dragon figure flanking another booth. But she is still within range to hear.   PAM: I’m sorry, Bob.   BOB: Hey, when things got tough between Midge and me, we did all sorts of crazy things to stay close to Donna. Although talking it over while the guy you were seeing behind my back makes our food – that’s a new one.   HIROHITO: And still, you tipped. Thank you.   He gives Bob a slight bow, and Bob gives a wave back. Pam smiles, rubs Bob’s back.   PAM: You know, Bob, you aren’t the smoothest or the classiest guy I’ve ever dated, but you are the sweetest. (sighs) You know, for the first time in my life, I feel like I need to do some work on myself. Not on the outside, obviously, because – well, come on. But on the inside. (takes Bob’s hand) And I could use some help.   BOB: Sure.   He leans in, kisses her cheek.   BOB (cont’d): You wanna try seeing Jackie again?   PAM: (beat) No. No, I think she needs her space. And she needs to see that I’ve made some changes. She deserves to see that. And I’d better start making them.   BOB: Okay.   They stand, link arms, and start to walk away.   PAM: Now, for change number one – how attached are you to those zebra rings?   That conversation continues as they exit the ballroom.   Jackie steps out from behind the dragon and looks after them. She cups a hand over her mouth as the other goes over her heart.   Hyde, in his chef’s jacket, comes up behind her.   HYDE: Hey.   She turns around to him, her eyes slightly wet.   HYDE (cont’d): Everything okay?   JACKIE: Yeah, yeah.   She hugs him around the waist. He hugs her back.   JACKIE (cont’d): Um, Steven? Do you have your master key on you?   HYDE: No...   JACKIE: Well, I’ve got mine, so where’s the nearest closet?   Hyde smiles at her. He takes her hand and leads her toward the corner door.   BUMPER   EXT. GOLFCOURSE – NIGHT   Mini golf, after hours. Mitch, alone, oils the windmill. Eric slowly comes up behind him.   ERIC: Hey, Mitch. Look, I – I wanted to apologize.   MITCH: That’s okay. I guess I was out of line too. I shouldn’t have jumped on your girlfriend. In front of you. It’s just – you have such a great life. And if I never see you or your friends ever again, I’m always gonna treasure that time that I spent with Donna.   ERIC: Okay, well... then I’ll just say goodbye.   Eric turns to leave. He makes it about three steps before Mitch heaves a heavy sigh, stopping Eric in his tracks.   MITCH: So lonely...   Eric wrestles with the air, screws up his face – and caves.   ERIC: Hey, Mitch, uh... you know, if you ever wanna hang out, you know, you’re always... you know.   In a flash, Mitch is at his side.   MITCH: Great, thanks!   ERIC: Oh, are we gonna do this now?   MITCH: Yeah, buddy, let’s do it!   ERIC: (beat) Okay.   MITCH: All right. Hey, so – do you think I might have a shot with Donna?   ERIC: Mitch, she’s my fiancée.   MITCH: So that’s a maybe!   He walks off, hands in the air. Eric drags his own hands down his face as he considers what he’s locked himself into for the foreseeable future.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. HOTEL – NIGHT   The ballroom, the festival still under way. Roy approaches the corner door and opens it. He finds Jackie and Hyde in the midst of a furious make-out session. They stop and freeze when Roy sees them.   ROY: Are you allowed to do that in here?   JACKIE: (beat) Are you allowed to ransom a dancer’s kimono for a date?   Roy considers that for a moment. He studies Jackie’s face carefully; she’s ready to play hard ball on this.   ROY: I was never here.   Jackie and Hyde nod. They go back to making out, Roy shuts the door, and continues on his way.   END.