#zrhf 12

[zrtranscripts]

Home Front, Mission 12: Fight For Your Right To… Work Out!

Clash of the Marauders

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PETER LYNNE: Well, hello there, runners. It's me here, Peter, and my trusty sidekick, Mr. Fox. Miss Fox? Actually, not sure. There really isn't much sexual dimorphism in foxes. Um, let's just go with... Foxy the Fox. Great. So uh, Foxy and I, well, we're still locked in the Princess Louise theater projection box. We're playing films to keep the zoms in the auditorium occupied while we eat, sleep, and of course, work out.

That's right, runners, it's time for some more exercise! So... Oh! If you fancy spicing up your workout with some weight, we've found that tin cans are brilliant. Uh, now would be the time to grab those. Marvelous. Right, now time to start warming up. Do a nice little dance, jog on the spot, jumping jacks, whatever you fancy. Start to stretch it out, feel it to the extremities.

Oh uh, by the way, great news. So Sam helped me fix the looping playlist, so Foxy, the zoms, and I are now watching Clash of the Marauders! It's the video game adaptation, yes. [sighs] Listeners of a certain vintage might remember picking their fighter from the pixelated lineup at the arcade.

See, I could never decide on my favorite. Everyone else had one, um, but should I go with Ninja Vampire? Pirate Queen? Werewolf Scientist? Mutant Rhinoceros? Yeah, in the game, they then fought each other in these crazy arenas that tied into their backstory. So you'd have to fight Pirate Queen on her galleon and Werewolf Scientist in his lab on the moon. That's right.

The film... ah, it makes a valiant effort to tie the stories together, but no one would accuse it of being great cinema. Didn't matter to me much when I was nine, though. God, I really, really loved it. I mean, to a kid who's just stuck in the suburbs, it made the world feel really big and just amazing and weird, like one day somehow I'd be able to experience something more. And yes, of course that might involve having to brawl with an evil squirrel the size of a T-Rex, but at the time that seemed like a very reasonable price to pay.

Anyway, one thing everyone can agree on is that Clash of the Marauders has a superlative soundtrack, so I'm going to run the music through the comms. Let's just dance, or throw some fighting shapes, either way, as we enjoy our title song.

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PETER LYNNE: So contrary to what those opening credits suggest, violence actually isn't always the answer. I mean, fair. Historically, violence against zombies has often been the answer, but if like me, you are heavily outnumbered, then staying inside is an even better answer. But just because we're inside, well, that doesn't mean we can't enjoy a good workout.

So we're going to start with our old favorite, the hooks, which you'll remember from our Rocky workout. You see, this bit of Clash of the Marauders where the alien pugilist avenges her sister is - and I've always thought this - quite like Rocky, actually. Except instead of the Philadelphia meat packing district, well, I mean, of course, it's set in a forest of sentient mushrooms.

Uh, first off, right, get back into your classic boxing stance. So stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, knees slightly bent. Now step your right foot back a little. Hold your fists up with your right hand close to your body and the left hand in front protecting your face from that imaginary target. Now we're swinging our right fist across the body in that horizontal arc. Do not forget to shift your weight to your left foot as you do it and follow through with the right shoulder. It's the whole body thing. Imagine this nice big thwadoompf! as your fist collides with the side of that invisible specter.

Oh, uh, the alien pugilist is fighting the um, scheming toadstools that killed her sister. So in honor of her, imagine giving those nasty fungi what for. And if you want to make it more challenging, by all means, hold those weights whilst you punch. Right, okay. We're going to do 30 seconds of hooks on the right and then – warning - we're going to switch to the left.

Ready? Three, two, one, punch! Oh, it's lovely form. You have been practicing, my word. 15 seconds down, runners. Now remember, you're swinging the punch across your body in the shape of a hook. Now that's 30 seconds. So it is time - and I apologize - to switch stance so that your right leg is forwards and we're moving to be swinging our hooks from the left. Your 30 seconds on the other side start, ready? Now.

There we go. I'm not gonna lie, it's not quite as smooth, but keep on punching, runners. You show those filthy toadstools whose boss. Beautiful. Oh, nice work! Those mushrooms truly are mush, or at least uh, the ones on screen are. The alien pugilist, by the way, has just been recruited to the marauders, so it's time for her to teleport to earth and time for us to take a music break. So you can keep swinging those hooks if you're in the zone, or just have a bop to this next song. Do enjoy.

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PETER LYNNE: Ah, Foxy, my boy. Girl. I don't know. When I was a kid, you see, I-I used to get absolutely livid when people mocked Clash of the Marauders. I mean, you know what it's like when you really just love something, it's yours. Someone criticizing it, well, that feels like a personal insult. But yes, as an adult, I will grant you the film has a few faults.

Like the fact that it spends so much time establishing the characters’ backstories, none of them actually meet until the middle of the film. I mean, the first half, it feels like 10 different movies. One set on a mushroom planet, one's on a galleon, one's in the jungle, one's on the moon. The current situation feels a bit like we're all the heroes of different films. It should be the same, but no matter how far apart we are, at the very least we're... we're doing these exercises, we're doing something together.

Us and good old Teenage Warlock, whose evil mentor, by the way, has imprisoned him inside a cursed mountain. So how tough is your life? Young Warlock has to contort his body into the most ridiculous shapes in order to cast his spells because he... actually, I don't know why, but for some reason, Teenage Warlock can only bend the bars of his cage by putting his feet behind his head. Don't worry, runners, we're not gonna do that one today.

Instead, why don't we do some forward lunges? Teenage Warlock uses these to manifest a bridge over the lake of lava keeping him from freedom, but we're probably just going to use them to work our legs, hips, and core. But I'm not ruling it out. If any of you want to cross the lava, you can.

So stand with your feet together and your back straight. Now take one step forward, keeping your knees and feet pointing straight ahead. You lower your back knee so that it almost but doesn't quite touch the ground. Make sure your front knee doesn't extend beyond your toes and your center of gravity is above the hips. Now raise back up. Nice. Now switch legs, do it on the other side. Lovely. So for a little more challenge should you need it, no pressure, hold those weights whilst we go.

So we're going to do 60 seconds of lunges, starting three, two, one, now! And there we go. 15 seconds down. Remember to keep the core engaged and the back straight. Imagine you're a pencil with legs. You're working them, but everything from the hips up, rod straight. And you're halfway there, and that's just like Teenage Warlock being halfway across the lava lake. So just 15 seconds to go, runners. Keep it up! There we are, you can see the finish line, and we've done it once again.

Oh, and by the way, that is just in time for Teenage Warlock's theme song. Oh, love it. Cast some imaginary spells with your dance moves or just keep on lunging. Either way, I'm going to enjoy myself.

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PETER LYNNE: So how are the weights working out? Honestly, if you're not using them, don't worry, it doesn't matter. Just curious, and it's more important to listen to what your body needs and do the exercise that's going to make it feel best. You know, if you happen to be shut away with someone - maybe it's, just hypothetical, a small fluffy someone who insists on staring at you with their big yellow eyes whilst you work out - just remember that no one else's opinion matters. Oh! Uh, sorry. [laughs] This is time for the Marauders’ big training montage now, so obviously we've got to join in with them, and so we're going to do some crunches.

So if you've got a yoga mat or a towel to hand, perfect. Lay that out now. If you don't, don't worry. But you want it lain out and then lie down with your back on top of it. Totally fine if you don't have one, just a bonus. Right, so your feet should be flat on the ground with the knees pointing up towards the ceiling, then you want to raise your hands so that they're just resting near but not on your ears. Great. So then lift the torso slightly off the floor, but you're using your abs. Don't curve. You keep your neck and back straight as if they're one solid block. Don't try to lift the torso too high, there's no point. Focus on control, that's the point. And keep your core engaged, that's what it's for.

To make it easier if you need, extend your arms out in front of you when you lift up. If you want to make it harder, grab those weights, keep your arms up high. But if you do so, make sure that you are being very careful to protect the back by keeping your core firmly engaged.

Right, we're going to do 60 seconds of crunches, and that's going to start now! Beautiful! Oh, I could watch this all day, if only I could watch this. Beautiful. You've crunched your way through 15 seconds, runners, just like I've crunched my way through 15 hot dogs this week. And yes, I've cooked them badly. Halfway there. Remember to lift with your abs, never with the back. Almost there, only 15 seconds to go. Keep on going. I'm doing it with you. You don't know if that's true, but I'm telling you it is. And we are done! Marvelous. Now if you're up to it, why not keep on crunching straight through this music break?

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PETER LYNNE: Oh, Foxy. I've always been into my fitness, but even I catch myself watching Clash of the Marauders and I feel a little bit wistful that I'll probably never be able to bench press a monster truck. Still, that kind of thinking leaves me less motivated, not more, and that's no good. If you are struggling with motivation, the first thing to remember is that you have already made the effort to work out, so you're already doing an amazing job. That's the hardest part!

The second thing is you can actually get a buzz from improving, regardless of what fitness level you start from. It's just... okay, perfect example. Take a look at Mutant Rhinoceros. I mean, he starts out pretty down on himself after the accident with the gene splicer, but he takes things day by day, learns what he can do with his new body, and in the end, it's his horn spin that saves the day.

So with that in mind, our last big exercise is one that can be tough when you first try it, but it's so very rewarding as you improve. It's the horn spin! Joking, it’s wall sits. Right, get ready. Stand a little over a foot away from a wall with your back facing it. Then carefully lean back against the wall until your back's flat against it. It's fine to use your arms to guide you, not a problem.

Now you may need to do a little bit of adjusting here. You want your thighs and calves at a 90 degree angle with your thighs parallel to the ground. However, if that's too much, no problem, don't worry. Move your feet close the wall and your knees will then be at a more gentle angle. Now we're going to hold that for 60 seconds, or as close as you can get, starting from now!

See, it's so comfortable. How could this be an exercise? It's hardly any effort at all. You've made it to 15 seconds. Uh-oh, the burn’s beginning. Now you're starting to feel it. Oh, there's a reason we're doing this. Halfway through. Keep your back, head, and buttocks straight flat against the wall. You can do it. You've got to keep a straight line, otherwise the whole game falls apart. It's like a house of cards, but made of you. Right, almost there, runners. Just 15 seconds left. Don't just feel the burn, embrace the burn, love the burn, be the burn. And we're done!

I tell you what, you have certainly earned a dance break to this next song, but if you happen to be feeling as tough as a mutant rhinoceros, well, you just keep on propping up that wall.

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PETER LYNNE: Oh yes, here we go. See, the Marauders are gearing up for the final clash. You see, what I love about this part - aside from the amazing music, obviously - but it's how it shows the Marauders make a great team because they all play to their different strengths. Yes, the Pirate Queen has a cutlass, but Tiger Witch’s moves, they're all claw-based, and then Flame Dancer!

Oh, Flame Dancer is my favorite. He's just, I know, he's just got so much flair, you know? He just casts these arcs of flame with this perfectly timed hip swivel. Um, I mean, also it is refreshing to have an explicitly bi character in a video game adaptation. [mockingly] "Oh my God, I can't imagine someone who likes fighting evil and dancing and boys and girls."

You know, every single one of the Marauders’ unique fighting styles are ultimately needed to take down Rex Farringdon. He's the monomaniacal billionaire who's hellbent on repopulating the world with clones of himself. So for our final music break, I would love you to dance in your own unique way as the Marauders, too, fight for their right to be themselves.

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PETER LYNNE: Oh, what moves, runners! My word. And congratulations, you are just in time for all of the Marauders to come together as they send Rex Farringdon and his clones all the way to the mushroom planet. [sighs] You know, Clash of the Marauders really is just by far one of the best video game adaptation movies. Even Foxy seemed to like it, and Foxy has some very strong opinions about films. You should see what they did to the carpet during Cats III.

Oh, this is so nice. This is the scene where the whole cast walks off into the sunset together. Apparently, they were genuinely good friends as well. Oh, I suppose it's going to be a while before all of us runners are able to actually be together, run again. I mean sure, well, I've got someone to watch films with now, but it would be really nice to see the rest of you. For one thing, you all don't express affection by leaving bits of chewed-up hot dog on my chair. Yes, I appreciate the thought, Foxy.

You know, if like me, you get lonely sometimes, it's just human. You might find it helpful to remember that at the very least, by staying safe and keeping not just physically but mentally healthy and caring for yourself, you are doing your part to help everyone rebuild when the time comes. Anyway, until next time runners, this is me and Foxy, signing off.

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