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gilthairpins · 1 year ago

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Book 1 Chapter 20: Everything is Melancholy and Heartbroken

It was just the beginning of summer and the weather had not yet turned completely hot, so Kangxi ordered preparations be made to go beyond the Great Wall. Although trips happen outside the Forbidden City every year, I am very happy to go on them.

After all, once outside the Forbidden City, the rules are relaxed and the struggles seem far away. Riding horses, galloping under the blue sky and white clouds, enjoying the warm sunshine. The gentle wind and faint fragrance of green grass! I feel that life is still beautiful and my heart feels light.

There are the nine elder brothers also accompanying me outside the Great Wall this time. Included are the Prince, Fifth, Seventh, Eighth, Fourteenth, and Fifteenth. Except for the occasional chat and laughter with Fourteenth, I avoided everyone else if I could. If I really couldn’t, I would greet and retreat as quick as politeness allowed.

These days seemed to be the quietest I had ever lived. When I wasn’t on duty, I was horse riding and swung about the grassland on my own. When I felt up to it, I galloped across the wild rolling grassland, when tired I lay against the horse allowing it to walk slowly.

Many times it was just me and the horse from the time the sun first rose to the time the sky was filled with the sunset. Chewing dried food and drinking water from a skin, enjoying the views and things here. Whole days would pass enjoyed in solitude.

“My sister spends all day with horses, she seems more and more unwilling to talk to people.” Yutan teased me with a smile.

I lowered my head grinning, thinking I didn’t even know when I had become like this. I remembered from childhood to adulthood I was a person who couldn’t stand loneliness. I had always wanted to surround myself with friends and stay in a group. When I had first come to work in Shenzhen I had no friends around me. I didn’t dare return home after work, I always hung out in bars. Even when I was in the Bei’le manor I wanted the maids to play with me, but I still sighed. Boring, boring! It seemed that I had never learned how to spend my time alone.

Time is easy to throw people away, the bananas turn green and cherries turn red. Between the turns of red and green I have quietly changed and started to enjoy the tranquility of being alone. In fact, if I could live this life peacefully, it will be my blessing.

This year both Prince Suwan Guarjia and Minmin were absent. Only Prince Heshu came to greet Kangxi. However, Minmin had sent a letter through Heshu. I was laughing even before I had finished the letter and fell back onto my blanket holding my stomach. The letter said, since bidding farewell in August last year, Prince Zuoying had not even returned to his own tribe. He had chased her all the way to their palace and moved in at the invitation of her mother. The letter was all about how Prince Zuoying followed her all day long, trying to please her, how she refused, how she put on airs to tease him, and how Prince Zuoying fought her in a battle of wits and courage. After reading her letter, it felt like Minmin was still unmoved. But her admiration and her inadvertent happiness were revealed between the lines.

I vaguely felt that this was Minmin’s star and Minmin wouldn’t miss him because Prince Zuoying would not allow her to miss him. I seem to see their happiness waiting not too far away!

Holding the letter, I read it again and again and my mood became extremely good. I could finally see it next to me- a happy relationship between two people. There was no marriage, no coercion, no grievances, no interests. Just everything was him and her.

After reading the letter I ran out of the tent and took a horse out onto the prairie. I galloped smiling the whole way. Minmin’s happiness made me want to laugh with her. It wasn’t until I was tired that I slowed my horse and lay against it still smiling.

Suddenly I heard the sound of hoof beats. I opened my eyes and saw Eighth riding up slowly besides me. The smile on my face vanished and I sat up. While greeting him I said, “I still have some things to do. If Lord Bei’le has no other instructions, I will retreat first.”

He stared at me and said quietly, “I have been watching you from the hillside just now. I haven’t seen you happy for such a long time.”

I didn’t know what to say and could only lower my head and remain silent. He looked into the distance and asked solemnly, “Have you really given up?”

“I’ve let it go.” There was a dull pain in my heart, but I didn’t let it reflect on my face and kept calm.

“Do you have someone else in your heart?”

I knew he misunderstood so let him continue to misunderstand.

“No.” I replied lightly.

He stared at me sideways. “In three years you will be released from the palace. Are you willing to let father propose marriage to you?”

“Tomorrow will come and tomorrow be a worry. Nothing is up to me so why bother thinking about it?” I said casually. I bowed and turned to leave.

A sneer twisted the corner of his mouth and he waved his hand to let me go. I whipped my mount and rode away. Before riding too far, I saw Fourteenth reigning his horse on the hillside watching from a distance.

Thinking of bumping into him at a time like this, I was afraid he would scold me again because of his temper. So I pretended not to see him and rode back to stable my horse and walked back to my tent. I felt sour in my heart that I couldn’t express it. I bowed my head in silence.

“Ruoxi, what are you thinking about?” I suddenly heard while walking. Looking up I saw Heshu and the crown prince standing not too far away. I quickly knelt in greeting.

I don’t know if it is because of the jade pendant or Minmin but prince Heshu treats me very differently. He usually calls me by my first name just like Minmin and repeatedly tells me not to be so reserved and polite in front of him. But he said his thing and I did mine.

“I looked for you for a long time, but I didn’t even notice you.” Prince Heshu said with a smile.

“This servant was rude. Please punish me, Prince.” I smiled apologetically.

“It was just a joke. I don’t blame you and you rushed to apologize. Why are you still so cautious and polite? If Minmin were as half as good as you, Father and I wouldn’t have to worry so much. Now that you are serving in front of the Emperor there is no chance. When you leave the palace in the future, I will take you to Mongolia to have some fun and change your temper.” He sighed.

The prince smiled and said, “There is no chance of that now. Royal Father will take her every where with him where he goes. But in two or three years she will be old enough to leave the palace. And it will be time for Royal Father to arrange a marriage. If I the Prince want to invite you, I’m afraid I can’t invite one person.”

Prince Heshu smiled and didn’t answer.

Why was everyone so concerned about my marriage? It’s on everyone’s mind. You still think I’m not enough? Excuse me, remind me in a hurry? I don’t want to say any more and the corner of my mouth twitches. I smile and bow to leave. The prince smiled at me and motions for me to retreat. When the autumn wind began to blow, Kangxi decided to break camp and return to Beijing. Sitting in the carriage I thought the prince will be killed next year. I couldn’t help but sigh. Life would not be so easy next year and I must cheer up to face the palace storm. I also considered my possible wedding, which made me more worried. What on earth could I do?

September of the 50th year of Kangxi, Changchun Garden

After Kangxi returned from outside the Great Wall, he moved directly to Changchun Garden. It’s close to all the brothers’ manors and made it easier for everyone to come in and out.

Today I happened to run into Fourteenth. Seeing that he wasn’t busy, I stopped him and asked for details of what happened between Tenth and tenth Fujin. Since the last time Kangxi ordered all of his sons to accompany him to have fun in the Imperial Gardens.

Tenth had said he would be sick in the future, so I remembered. I had always wanted to ask Fourteenth for more details, but there was never a suitable opportunity. Either I’d forget about it, or, when I remembered, it wasn’t appropriate to ask.

“If we hadn’t known each other since childhood, I would have misunderstood you again! Where can I find someone else like you? You’re so concerned about the private affairs between a man and wife. I don’t know what you are thinking about all day long.” He laughed and said.

Still laughing, he told of the interesting things he encountered. As I listened, I thought that both of them were stubborn and short tempered. They can stand being angry and they are genuine people. They really are a pair of happy enemies living a noisy life.

We were laughing and chatting when Yutan ran forward anxiously. She greeted Fourteenth quickly and hesitated to speak to me.

“What happened?” I suppressed my smile and asked.

She glanced at Fourteenth and stared at me. “The Crown Prince…. The Crown Prince… and the Emperor want sister…. He asked the Emperor for a marriage!”

My brain exploded with a bang and my legs felt weak. I was about to fall. Yutan quickly grabbed me. There was a buzzing in my ears. Yutan still seemed to be talking but I couldn’t hear her. I just thought, ‘what sin have I done that god shows me no mercy?’

When I came to my senses, I was sitting in my sitting room.

“Good sister! Please don’t scare me!” Yutan said while crying.

I weakly pointed to a tea cup and she quickly brought it over and let me take a few sips. I just felt confused and empty. I didn’t know what to do or think. So I casually asked, “Where is Fourteenth?”

“After hearing this, Fourteenth turned pale with rage and left. He only told me to guard and take good care of my sister.” She said.

She consoled me. “Sister, please don’t be impatient. The Emperor hasn’t nodded yet.”

I was still stunned. It couldn’t be like this. Things absolutely could not be like this!

“You carefully tell me everything that happened today, bit by bit, beginning to end. Even the look in the Emperor’s eyes.” I told Yutan.

“After the Prince arrived, Yunxiang ordered me to serve tea. When I brought the tea tray in, the Prince was already kneeling in front of the Emperor. ‘Ruoxi has already reached a marriageable age. She is gentle and polite in personality. She is outstanding in appearance and appearance, so I am bold and want to ask the Emperor to make the decision and give her to me as my concubine.’ The Emperor was silent for a long time before saying, ‘Ruoxi has been by my side for many years and has served me wholeheartedly. I also know it’s time for her to get married, but I’m getting older and I really need someone like her who is thoughtful and knows the truth in my heart. I want to keep her for a while and then give her advice on who to marry. Reward her with a generous dowery and allow her to marry in glory, not being in vain for serving me. Something unexpected happened today and I have to think about it.’ Then I served the tea and I had no reason to linger, so I had to withdraw. Because I was shocked at that time, and afraid that the Emperor and the Crown Prince would get clues because of the abnormal expressions. I never dared raise my head, so I didn’t get to pay attention to their expressions.” Yutan said.

After careful consideration I can roughly understand what the crown prince was thinking. There were only three reasons: one is Kangxi, the other is the Mongolians, and the third is my father. Among them, the Mongolians factor a majority. Everyone in the dynasty knows that the crown prince is wanting to reconcile with the mongols to consolidate his position.

But I haven’t a clue about Kangxi’s thoughts. If he approves, what should I do? Do I really want to marry the prince or do I resist the decree? Do I really need to prepare three feet of white silk like Fourth said?

I know everyone’s ending but my own. Is this the ending that god has prepared for me? Thinking about it, I couldn’t help but feel sad and I couldn’t help but cry on my couch.

Yutan insisted on staying in my house at night.

“Don’t worry, go back! Are you really afraid I would hang myself from a beam at night? Since the Emperor hasn’t nodded, the matter hasn’t reached a dead end.” I said feebly. “Besides even if it did reach a dead end and I’m not willing to accept my fate. Please let me be alone.”

Yutan had no choice but to go back to her room after I finished speaking. I lay back thinking about this over and over again. And tears fell from my eyes. When I saw Tenth’s wedding ceremony I was filled with sadness and anger. I now realize it wasn’t only sadness and anger, but also utter despair.

I stood up in my clothes and walked slowly to the sweet smelling osmanthus tree. Recalling the prince’s past expressions and the way he had looked at Minmin, I felt extremely sick. I hugged the sweet scented tree, pressing my face against the bark and burst into tears.

Am I all wrong? Did my persistence end up harming myself? No matter whether it was Fourth or Eighth, or Tenth, it was better than marrying the prince! Fourth, Fourteenth, and Eighth have all reminded me, but I had always maintained a carefree mentality, thinking I still had a few years left. But I know while I don’t care about it, others did. And now I regret it. It’s too late.

As I thought and cried, the sky gradually lightened.

“Why is my sister only wearing single clothes?” Yutan screamed as she opened the door and stepped in the help me. As she touched my body, she shouted, “Oh my god! So hot! How long have you been standing outside?!”

She helped me lay down on the bed and wrapped me in a quilt. “Sister, if you can bear with me for a little longer, I will go find the Prince and ask for a physician.”

Yutan served me some medicine and I felt drowsy again. I said I was confused, but Yutan was in the room. I could clearly hear the noise in the room. Even though I was awake, my eyelids felt as heavy as mountains and I couldn’t keep them open. I don’t know how long I lay there. My throat felt smoky and I finally looked for some water.

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I felt like Yutan was sitting next to me. I couldn’t reminded her than my hands and feet were weak. I just frowned and cried out in pain.

“Want water?” A man’s voice asked. He picked me up and brought the cup to my mouth, and fed me little by little. After finishing drinking, he helped me lay back. He whispered in my ear, “Since Royal Father hasn’t issued a decree yet, things will take a turn for the better.”

Only then did I recognize Fourth’s voice. My heart felt sour and tears fell from the corners of my eyes. He wiped my tears away.

“Just listen to the physician’s instructions and recover from your illness first. Don’t think about anything else. Yutan was taken away by my order and is expected to come back soon. You won’t wait too long.” He was ready to leave after that.

I don’t know where I got the strength from, but I grabbed his sleeve and refused to let go. Perhaps it was because I knew he would be the future emperor, Yongzheng. I blindly believed that if there was anyone in this world who could save me, it would be him.

He had no choice but to turn and sit back down, staring at me. I couldn’t speak. I had just shed tears.

“I told you so many truths earlier and you didn’t listen to a word of it. Now that something has happened you are finally pulling on my sleeve?” He said coldly.

That jolted me. He wasn’t the current emperor, but the future one. Then again, even if he has the means, why should he offend the prince for me? I let go of his sleeve and closed my eyes. Only tears remained at the corners.

He bent down and helped me wipe my eyes. “I can’t make promises to you now because I don’t even know if I can.” His deep voice rang in my ears. “The person who wants you, after all, is the Prince. But don’t think I won’t care about you.” He covered me with the quilt and opened the door to leave.

After taking four doses of medicine, Yutan covered me with another quilt to make me sweat. By the second day the fever subsided and I felt quite awake, even though my head was still as heavy as a mountain. I hadn’t eaten anything yesterday, so by noon today, Yutan brought me some porridge and fed it to me. After finishing eating, she helped me wipe my face and packed up the food box and went out.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling thinking that if Kangxi really wanted to grant me a marriage, what could I do to prevent him from granting me to the crown prince. Knowing that the crown prince would be deposed next year, if I could wait until then, Kangxi wouldn’t grant the marriage. But if Kangxi was really interested how could I deny it for so long? While I was thinking about it, the door suddenly opened and I thought that Yutan had returned. I ignored it and kept moving forward with my thoughts.

“Looking better than yesterday.” A man’s voice said.

I quickly turned and saw Fourteenth standing by the bed and looking down at me. I tried to sit up but he stopped me.

“Just lie down. There is not a need for such etiquette.” He pulled a stool and sat next to me.

He was quiet a while and then leaned forward to whisper to me. “Do you know why the Crown Prince wants to marry you? Prince Suwan Guarjia asked Royal Father to grant a marriage for Minmin to Prince Zuoying. The memorial just arrived today. He is quite well informed!” He gave a low snort. “I’ll tell you more about the twists and turns later. I just wanted to ask you, do you want to marry the Prince?”

I shook my head.

“It’s not convenient for Eighth to come and see you now. He asked me to tell you to find a way to delay it in front of Royal Father for a few days. In about ten days things should turn around.” He said.

I was shocked but happy at the same time. I just stared at Fourteenth.

“Thank you.” I said with a tearful voice. He nodded firmly.

“Why is your voice so burned? It’s like a duck’s!” He was surprised.

My mouth twitched and I wanted to laugh, but my heart was too bitter. I just watched Fourteenth quietly.

Fourteenth sighed bitterly, “Earlier, I had asked you to make your decision as soon as possible. But you didn’t listen. Now that you have reached this point you realize you regret it. Marrying Eighth is better than marrying the Prince.”

There were tears in my eyes and Fourteenth stopped and said, “You take good care of your health and don’t worry about anything. I’m going back. I’m afraid I won’t be able to see you for the next few days. Take care of yourself.”

As soon as he left, Yutan came in with a bowl of rock sugar and autumn pears.

“You’re not on duty anymore?” I asked her.

“Li Dequan knows my sister is ill, so he asked me to take care of you.” She replied. She went to help me drink the sugar water.

“I don’t want to drink.” I said.

Yutan smiled and said, “Drink some, sister. This is the best for soothing your throat.”

I shook my head and motioned for her to take it away. She tried to persuade me a few more times but I didn’t respond. She then put it aside.

What exactly is this turning point? And Fourteenth had said it was only a turning point, which means it may not necessarily be the case, but at least there was a way to go for the time being. If it only takes a few days, it should be possible. Even if Kangxi wanted to grant me a marriage, he can’t be as anxious as to issue an order for me to take care of myself even though I’m sick. Thinking about this purpose, I calmed down a bit.

While I was thinking to myself, Yutan came in with the medicine. She placed it on the table and helped me sit up. I took her hand and motioned her to sit next to me.

“I can’t drink this medicine, Yutan.” She looked at me in surprise and I continued. “I don’t want to marry the Prince. I have no other option but to pretend to be sick. But it’s impossible to pretend to be sick. I’ve been taking this medicine from you for so many years. Li Dequan knows everything together with the imperial physician. So the medicine you bring is the usual and throw it away before anyone notices or you are not my good sister.”

Yutan bit her lip and stared at me before finally nodding. I smiled and took her hand but she suddenly turned her head and wiped her tears. Her shoulders shook and she muttered to herself.

“Why is this happening? Even people like my sister…”

Alas! What will her fate be in the future? By the time she leaves the palace she will have already passed the marriageable age, and given her background, she has no family to rely on. If she didn’t get married she could only live with her brothers for the rest of her life. How embarrassing would that be? If you get married it would be difficult to find a lover. For a woman as smart and clever as she is, as long as she is willing to work hard there is no way out. But I now see only a dark future. Women are made of water. That is because this society has no other way out for women except the ‘three obediences’ of ‘obeying the father, obeying the husband, and obeying the son.’ How can a woman not cry?

Although I didn’t take any of the medicine yesterday, I felt better today. I guess it’s because I often skipped rope in the hospital and did sit ups before going to bed. At that time, I only thought about health as the most important thing. I was alone in the palace. If I got sick, I would be the one to suffer.

Ancient medicine was backward. Looking at “Dream of Red Chamber” a small case of typhoid fever may turn into terminal tuberculosis at any time, so I have always been more in love with my body, but now I’m beginning to regret it.

Especially when the imperial physician checked my pulse and said to me with a smile, “Just wait four or five more days and take some proper care and you should be fine.”

I was in so much pain that I had to pretend to be happy after hearing it.

Yutan brought the medicine and I was leaning against the couch in a daze when there was a knock on the door.

“Come in.” I called casually.

Xiao Shunzi walked through the door. He quickly approached the couch and faced me and whispered, “I was asked to tell this girl one word- Drag!” After saying this he turned and ran away in a hurry.

I thought about it for a long time and made up my mind.

In the evening I sent Yutan back to her own room to rest. I guessed that she would be fast asleep when I threw on my clothes and opened the door to stand in the courtyard. It was already cold in Beijing late at night at the end of September. I stood alone in the wind for a while, thinking about the last time when I had heard the bad news and was sad.

If you catch cold due to a chill wind and end up with a fever it’s probably due to psychological factors. I’m afraid I won’t be able to use the wind this time with such mental preparations. I turned back to the house and went to get a basin and cold water.

I held the basin and poured the water down, soaking myself from head to toe. I stood in the wind, forcing myself to raise my hands and close my eyes. I gritted my teeth and my body shivered.

“Good sister! Why are you doing this to yourself?” Yutan shouted as she rushed up to drag me back into my room.

I pushed her hand away and said, “Don’t worry about me. Go back to bed.”

She wanted to drag me, so I said, “Do you think I am willing to harm myself? But this is the only way I could think of to save myself now! If you continue stopping me, you are harming me. I will still treat you as a close friend.”

Yutan let go of my hand crying silently. I ignored her and took another basin of water. I stood in the wind for half the night. Before dawn I started feeling hot again and my head became dizzy. Yutan helped me into the house, dried my hair and changed my clothes. She covered me in a quilt.

“Don’t rush to call the physician,” I kept telling her. “When my hair is dry, you can touch it and comb it some more. I’ll call again when the time comes.”

Because I was worried, I hadn’t rested well for many days. I was awake for a while before falling into a dazed sleep.

This illness was an aggravation of illness. There was no good way to reduce the fever in ancient times. It took me three or four days of being groggy before I woke up. And it took another four to five days to nurse myself back to health before I slowly began to recover. Thinking that this wasn’t good, Yutan no longer needed to take care of me all day long. And thinking about this so called turning point and Kangxi’s attitude I ordered Yutan to return to work as usual and to pay attention to everything. She nodded obediently to show she had understood everything.

Seeing that it was already ten days, but there was still no movement. Yutan only told me that Li Dequan had asked her about my condition and his expression was normal. He only told her to take good care of me. I was worried in my heart. This disease came on suddenly and violently and it happened coincidentally. What on earth could Kangxi be thinking? Fifteen days have passed since Fourteenth came to seem me, but I hadn’t seen any improvement. One day while I was sitting in the house, feeling miserable, Yutan hurried in. She closed the door and sat down next to me.

“I heard that today in court the old affairs of Lord Jingxi, the governor of the country were brought up again. I beg you to live forever. I’m investigating the case of the infantry commander Tuo Heqi and his son entertaining the ministers of the court and embezzling illegal money during the funeral of Prince Malhun of Doroan County.”

I thought about it carefully Jingxi is the son of prince An Yuele and the maternal uncle of eighth Fujin. He is in the Zhenglan banner with Eighth. He must be a supporter of Eighth. And the infantry commander Tuo Heqi is the prince’s man. This is an attack on the prince! Is this what is called a turnaround?

“But what do you think the Emperor said?”

Yutan replied, “Because this report said that there were signs that there were about twenty people participating in the party gathering, excluding infantry commander Tuo Heqi, the capital commander Eshan, the Ministry of Punishment minister Qi Shiwu, and the Ministry of War minister Gang E. In addition to the adults most of them were military personnel such as the commander in chief of the eight banners and the deputy commander in chief. The Emperor took it very seriously and ordered Third to be responsible first for the investigation. If it is true as reported by the Duke of the town, the case will be handed over to the Ministry of Punishment for a detailed investigation.”

Of course a detailed review is required! Ever since the restoration of the crown prince, Kangxi has been worried that Yinreng might force the palace to usurp the throne. Most of the people participating in the symposium held military positions and held certain military powers. In particular, the position of infantry commander from the first rank. It’s like the commander of the capital’s garrison and is directly responsible for ensuring the emperor’s personal safety. How could Kangxi rest assured that they would be friendly in private? Once any unfavorable words to the prince were found, the prince would be deposed again soon. And since Eighth chose to attack this matter, he would definitely not target without aim.

Thinking about it, I couldn’t help a smile that escaped the corner of my mouth. The sword hanging above my head, finally, was temporarily removed. Since Kangxi’s suspicion about the prince became reality there is no reason to marry me to him. And if it is true as they think, I now have relations with two prominent Mongolian clans. How can they waste such a good resource on the prince?

I had always thought that the battle of the two deposed princes would have waited until next year. But I didn’t expect it to turn from the dark to being out in the open right now. I’m afraid that Eighth has already made arraignments and is just waiting for the opportunity, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to make such a decisive move. Since Fourth could send someone to delay for time, it means he also knows that there will be a day in court. It seems that this time he is going to cooperate with Eighth to take down the crown prince.

But what role did I play in this? I think I was the catalyst. Without me, this matter would have happened sooner or later, but because I was involved with the mongols and Kangxi’s attitude, to a certain extent, it might have happened earlier than they had planned.

Without a history book in hand I don’t know if these things are developing according to the history I know. I am confused in my heart. Is it because of me that history is like this? Or is it because of history that it is my business?

The smile was still there but it gradually became bitter. I hid here and there, but unexpectedly I landed in the center of the storm. I used to be a bystander, watching everyone go to their end. Now I am also dragged into those scene. Where should I go in the future? From now on, it is not a situation where nothing will happen if I don’t make a mistake. But I am afraid of making mistakes. Even if I move, the storm won’t let me go. I may not be so lucky next time. It’s time to think about how to protect myself!

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