takemajadvice

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I adore Jane Eyre. That's it. That's the post

[takemajadvice]

I don't know who is going to see this, and I don't care. I just need to vent. It sometimes feels as though my mind and body are separate. Just a few minutes ago, I wanted to go downstairs to meet my parents and get outside for a while. I stood up from the sofa and was about to take the first step, when I realised that something was stopping me from moving. See, that's the thing. It's not that I don't want to move or that I'm not capable of doing so. It's that in that moment in time, my body decides it doesn't want to listen to me.

I honestly looked quite comical, bawling my eyes out and slapping my thighs, begging them to pay attention to me, but that's what happens when you finally lose it. I'm fed up with everything, and it's getting harder and harder to accept the fact that my body is weak and my brain is not. They can not work together. At least, not for now.

Not only does my body not listen to me, but I also don't seem to have the ability to control it. Imagine yourself walking through a corridor. You walk through it without any problems the first ten days. Suddenly, on the eleventh, your body decides it wants to know what the floor feels like, and you end up falling flat on your face.

I can't lie. Seeing other people my age, in the prime of their lives, being able to do whatever their heart desires without their bodies dictating their actions, I get a bit jelous. I want to run! I want to jump and play and dance like everyone else can, but I can't. I, unfortunately, wasn't blessed with that kind of freedom.

Unlike the bodies of those my age, mine seems to resemble the bodies of grown adults. I can't lay down without being deathly afraid that my leg will suddenly stop working, and a sharp pain will course through the top of it. It's like that's my leg's version of the "out of order" signs I sometimes see on lifts. My body cracks and pops and snaps like there's no tomorrow, and I get the kind of back pain, which is only normal if you're a middle-aged man.

It doesn't help that my dreams are big, and I have huge aspirations. I want to work abroad, live alone, travel the world, learn all the languages that have ever existed. I am so desperate to be free, and that makes me terrified of my future. Instead of being excited about all the things I'm going to do, I find myself worrying about what things I'm not going to be able to do, and it's incredibly mentally draining.

Anyway, if you're reading this, thank you. It's actually quite cathartic to let all of this out. It's nice to know that there's someone out there who is trying to understand me.

- Maja

[takemajadvice]

it all worked out in the end, didn't it?

- maja