takizawawl

[takizawawl]

WHO    —   ?   :     lacrimoso·

“… Are…” No, no– wait, he shouldn’t start it out like that. Both hands are shoved deep into his coat pockets (it’s more of a precaution, really.) as he’s trying his best to look him in the eye. “… You… Yer…” Smooth. Real smooth. … Alright, fuck it, actually. “–Kch. Let’s talk.”

BEFORE //// AFTER.    professional courtesies from before bid him to recognize how an individual might prepare to steel himself for conversation. he himself had implemented the same behavior when he worked for the ccg - bracing himself to talk to certain superiors while his hands clenched in his pants pockets. though, of course . . . he had never been shy.

nor had naki of the white coats, as far as he could tell.

OWL rather had the impression that the other was trying to restrain his temper in advance. he could be wrong, of course. but he might be right. an eyebrow quirks, & with it - the corners of his lips turns upwards into a smile both exuberant & black.

he raises his hands to put his fingers on display . . . & squeezes them both into a fist. gotta stay in control, huh?

‘ nah, man . . .   why ?   ‘

[takizawawl]

seidou 

[takizawawl]

2018 is almost over!

Send the mun or muse something that you’ve wanted to say to them this year but didn’t have the chance to!

[takizawawl]

“I see they haven’t killed you yet.” / this is from ayato

UNFORTUNATELY TRUE. ready or not : HERE I AM. a scoff escapes blackened lips, & he doesn’t look up from the paper he holds taut between two hands. very original. the paper reads nothing new, nothing extraordinary … but he likes to be current. so he waits until he’s seen it all & then crumples a single page of the paper … to hurl at the young mercenary.

a skeleton’s fingers fold the paper’s remains to set aside & creep upwards to beat a percussive song against the hollow of his cheek. tktktktktk. the song extracts a smile, & he whistles a descending slide. TK.

‘  idiot. boy. boyboyboyboy — HEY, KID. d’ya know … that the brain … isn’t fully formed until you’re ha older. means that you’ve got an excuse for not thinking things through.   ‘

again, he scoffs — but that sardonic smile is still fixed upon his lips.

he hates what you stand for.

‘ they can’t kill me yet. gotta get their money’s worth, y’know? what are you worth, RABBIT? ‘

                  NEVERNIGHT PROMPTS     :    @daimnas

[takizawawl]

Colored a page from Tokyo Ghoul :re chapter 89

[takizawawl]

“I can help with that. If you need it.”

a pink flush jumps to the tips of his ears just as he himself jumps in his seat. he wasn’t expecting to be seen, staring with forlorn gaze into the dregs of his empty coffee cup.

seidou wasn’t supposed to be here  — - his official status was ‘ in transit.’  he was supposed to be traveling to scout an accounting building where there were rumors of increased ghoul activity.

or something. anyway —- he had begun his journey with drooping eyes & heavy limbs. his apartment’s neighbors had played a late night game that necessitated thudding music & bangs that echoed through thin walls … & managed to keep him awake longer than he was accustomed. so of course he had woke late & spilled coffee at the stoop of his door, & —— here he was. half-awake, half-asleep : here.

taking an early lunch break at a coffee shop ( anteiku ? ) when he was supposed to be in transit.

he would get back to it.

one cup of coffee, unfortunately, was not enough to wake him. but the shop’s employee wasn’t supposed to see. but she had, & he might as well accept it. rubbing the back of his neck, he turns his attention to her & blinks —- some undeciphered thought nags at his memory, but he’ll leave it forgotten.

‘ —- uh, yeah. please. one cup. good stuff, haha.   ‘

                    NEVERNIGHT PROMPTS     :    @yctsume

[takizawawl]

“Nothing is where you start. Own nothing. Know nothing. Be nothing.”

—- wise words coming from a man who has seemed satisfied to disregard the stack of papers building on his desk in favor of a yellow, plastic bubble-stick that must have come from the convenience store just down the street. the map sitting flat upon seidou’s desk & demanding his attention blurs somewhat as a bubbled distraction drifts towards him & POPS against his eye.

& so madly he blinks, trying to compose himself enough to check whether residual liquid had stained his paperwork.

for now, it seems the paper is safe.

a heavy sigh heaves his chest as he reminds himself that patience is a virtue he lacks – & that he must strive for it regardless.  for this reason peace sits on his soul with tremulous effort as he leans back in his chair.    ‘ —– gotcha. gotcha … ‘

patience be with him. sensitivity, however, may not be.

‘  as spiritual as that sounds & all, I gotta ask. is that your excuse for not having touched your reports in the last four days … ? or why you’ve been eating my lunches ? i know you’ve got the salary to get your own, but that might be a stretch.   ‘

patience be with him. sensitivity, however, may not be.

                      NEVERNIGHT PROMPTS     :     @revokedsalvation

[takizawawl]

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for.”

“Why me? Why now?”

“I just wanted to see what it was like. In case I die.”

“Didn’t die, I see.”

“I won’t see you for a long time, will I? I might never see you again.”

“You knew this. You chose this.”

“Never flinch. Never fear. And never, ever forget.”

“If it’s death you seek, there are easier ways to find it.”

“Not. A. Fucking. Word.”

“When all is blood, blood is all.”

“The brighter the light, the deeper the shadows.”

“It is basically your fault.”

“I can help with that. If you need it.”

“Fuck off. And take your trouble with you when you off with the fuck, _____.”

“I can kiss that better if you like.”

“Something is wrong. This is wrong.”

“That was heartless.”

“I know you not at all. And I trust you even less.”

“Apologies. Did I give the impression I was asking?”

“Shut up, you blackhearted little shit.”

“You should be dead…”

“You don’t owe me thanks.”

“You’d best grow some eyes in the back of your head, _____. You’d best start sleeping light.”

“A traitor’s just a patriot on the wrong side of winning.”

“Nothing is where you start. Own nothing. Know nothing. Be nothing.”

“Not all that is dead truly dies.”

“I can think of no finer torture than to have power absolute over all but your own.”

“Those who call the Dark… well, eventually it calls back.”

“I don’t need you worrying about me, _____. This place has danger enough to kill us both.”

“I can’t say I’m sorry to hear that.”

“You didn’t think I asked you to sneak out just because you seemed like good company, did you?”

“It may be sad. It may be wrong. But it is also true.”

“We both knew it was too good to last.”

“You will learn right and wrong have little meaning here.”

“This place gives much. But it takes more.”

“I know who I am. What I am. I’ll never forget. Never.”

“Never let your face tell a secret your lips should not.”

“… I’m not going to like it, am I?”

“I see they haven’t killed you yet.”

“Sometimes weakness is a weapon. If you’re smart enough to use it.”

“Watch your back. And your front. And the rest of it, too.”

“They will kill you, _____. Unless they break you. And then, they will kill you anyway.”

“I don’t know what to believe. I was hoping you could teach me.”

“It matters not what you are. Only that you are.”

“If you can’t hurt the ones who hurt you, sometimes hurting anyone will do.”

“If you’d like to go somewhere and quietly fuck yourself, I’ll be waiting patiently for your return.”

“Apologies. I appear to have misplaced the fucks I give for what you think…”

“Too many questions. Not enough answers.”

“Fuck you, then. Keep your secrets.”

“We’re the same, you and me.”

“The wolf does not pity the lamb. The storm begs no forgiveness of the drowned.”

“_____, I could kiss you…”

“Love makes fools of us all.”

“I don’t like being used, _____.”

“Know me so well, do you?”

“I know how you feel about me.”

“I don’t need your fucking pity, _____.”

“I want what’s best for you, don’t you see that?”

“You don’t belong here.”

“Don’t tell anyone. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Sometimes I wonder what you’re doing in a place like this, _____.”

“You never belonged here, _____. You deserve better than this.”

“Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit. You’ve got one chance to live and that’s by telling me what I want to know, understood?”

“Perhaps here is not the best place to speak of it?”

“You owe me answers. I think I’ve earned them by now.”

“I didn’t want it to be like this, _____.”

[takizawawl]

39 ?

39. Dead Ringer for Love - Meat Loaf ft. Cher

―how many years has it been, now. . . THREE ( ?? ) FOUR ( ?? ) perhaps FIVE ( ?? ) even she could not say; time is impervious to the sharpest of minds. but what value do such integers hold in the face of numbered days ( ?? ) will either of them live to see one more ( ?? ) another sunrise ( ?? ) another snowfall ( ?? ) the odds are as indefinite as they are inconsistent. 

the eve of battle draws near, && the voiceless burden which she bears slowly breaks down her defenses. fear scratches && dents an ironclad heart; uncertainty erodes foundations of stone. if saying otherwise is an act of self deception… then let her deceive - or at the very least, make an attempt.     

a diamond mask lacks opacity. fragments of that which makes her HUMAN filter through crystallized facets like starlight. meanwhile, an amethyst gaze falls upon her colleague - an inversion of her spirit. that which she hides, he wears on his sleeve; volatile sincerity held against glacial affectation. perhaps, therein lies the basis of a well-known && ill-received dynamic: a seemingly endless duel between conflicting agendas, in which words are the weapon of choice, && on occasion, they cut deep. perhaps here && now, at the end of all things, it is an apt time to declare an armistice.

lips can do so much more than talk. . .

logic && reason are defied by the impulsive urges of an erratic heart. it goads her in the direction of what is, in retrospect, A TERRIBLE IDEA. but given their circumstances… what harm is there in giving it a go ( ?? ) one moment of fleeting satisfaction ( ?? ) there are worse ideas; neither of them have anything to lose; && she has never been one for subtlety-

❝did you have any plans for later ? if so, i insist that you cancel them.❞

it wasn’t a question.

Spotify Top Songs of 2018 [ X ] :  NOT ACCEPTING 

[takizawawl]

howdy, folks! hope all is well! anyhow, i wanted to say part of the reason i got slow on here was that i was studying in london & that my brain has felt pretty foggy for months. i’ve been trying to figure out what to do with this blog, since a lot of my interactions have been through private message recently - & if i reboot i was just curious if anyone is interested in talking over stuff with seidou, since i’m not sure how easily i can write right now without plotting ahead of time omg. cheers to the oncoming new year! 

[takizawawl]

                          “ i need your love like a boy needs his mother’s side. ”

[takizawawl]

                          “ don’t say i’m better off dead                                       ⸻ cause heaven’s full and hell won’t have me. ”

[takizawawl]

THIS PANEL GAVE ME CHILLS

[takizawawl]

WHO    ---   ?   :   daimnas·

rabbit rabbit run , run and bite everything that stands in your way . you did it once you can do it again , a murderer , you know that’s what you are the black rabbit is who you are. you have no problem taking that persona back , he is yours , that toothy grin is your signature , and yet they didn’t catch you. a shame , or not.

❝ you have 30 seconds, or i can take those and snap your neck ❞ your hands itch for this , to crush him, crush crush crush everything he ever stands for : a man made ghoul , a former ccg , supposed ally. 

you do not have any allies , even if aogiri tree is where you stand , the juvenile prodigy executive. nonsense. you were so much better on your own. living for yourself and nobody else.

❝ don’t make me waste my time. you heard me. ❞ 

to a human, a ghoul is a terrific predator. BUT TIMES HAVE CHANGED —— & OWLS PREY UPON RABBITS. so he can’t be bothered . . . not when sides are obsolete, when formalities are obsolete, when all of it should be dead. can’t be bothered, can’t be bothered. it makes him restless, & he says so with the exhale of heavy breath that groans with dramatized exasperation.  owls prey upon rabbits, but only if they wish to feast. rabbits . . . must have a more powerful motivator to become killers. it makes him restless, & it makes him bored. please be interesting. kid.

but of course motivators are a show of humanity, & ghouls / humans are incompatible. he himself is living proof of the fact —— & he can’t be bothered. so he remains stationary even as he begins to sing, ‘    THIRTY SECONDS.  GO.  THIRTY . . . . TWENTY-NINE  . . . TWENTY-EIGHT.   I’M CURIOUS NOW. TWENTY-SIX . . . & SO ON. ’

supposed ally    —   or manufactured ally.  he does not have allies, even if aogori tree is where he stands. but he can look good while doing it . . . pledge himself internally to treachery. whatever that means. traitor, traitor; it’s in his blood, in his bones, in his reborn mind.

‘ i’m giving you an educational experience. i heard you.  ‘

[takizawawl]

WHO   ---   ?   :   lacrimoso‌

Knees buck and shake. In the back of his head, Naki could hear the various chastises, taunts, and lectures (give it your all. make them feel like shit. everyone deserves to hurt.) he’s bore the brunt of from Yamori. Lips peeling back, revealing ugly grimace of a sneer as eyes go wide from sheer anger. Crying, he’s crying but it hardly bothers him. Fingers clench tighter, forming selves into fist that causes for knuckles to pop.

Ache. Aching. This was familiar. Familiar! Familiar! Familiar!

“Shut up. Shut the fuck up–”

He’s nearly gritting teeth, tightly grinding them together just as hand latches itself to own throat. Stare widens even further (it nearly hurts. he feels like his eyes could pop out of their sockets.) as he feels it– nails dug into skin, effortlessly gripping and clutching with intentions clear as day. It should have scared him. It should have enraged him more and more. It should have caught him off-guard, to allow for an enlarged opening.

“–fuckin’ bastard…!”

Instead, however, all it made him do was grin.

(breathe through yer nose. that’s what aniki’s taught ya.)

Serving as Yamori’s yes man shadow yielded several advantages to Naki. Pain like this wasn’t alien, even as he could feel airflow blatantly limit itself. It’s locking itself behind several doors, but the ghoul barely found it necessary to care. Weight shifts, dropping as his body lowers to straddle around Seidou. Fingers crack. Fingers ache. Cloth remained bundled inside fist, Naki briefly disregarding it in exchange for a bashing blow into other’s hand. His aim was specific, honing in on that as the sole target as he twists.

“I don’t friggin’ care,” he retorted through grit teeth, speech as labored as breathing. Nostrils flared with extra effort, him knowing that this method would only work for a few, desperately needed seconds. But maybe that’s all that he needed. “I never… friggin’… cared ‘bout that.”

Arm retracted, reeling back only to slam itself back into other man’s palm. Force was exemplified of Naki, its purpose and reason screeching and howling with each and every movement. He’s punching– over and over, with each hit lacking more regret and hesitation than its previous. He’s baring his teeth, small speckles of blood showing their selves to the nonexistent care of the suit.

“It’s yer shitty ‘tude.”

(pissin’ me off. actin’ like I’M the bad guy.)

“It’s th’garbage… ya try ‘nd spew.”

(actin’ like yer the ONLY ONE that’s got a bad deal.)

“It’s shit. Yer… shit. Yer fuckin’ shit… ‘cause ya wanna be shit.”

Words were meant to be said with intentions to hurt, but that wasn’t the true goal. He’s speaking because he’s been asked. He’s speaking because he doesn’t care. Even as hand dug deep into his throat, Naki bore through it as he continued to slam repairing (break! fix! destroy! mend!) fist repetitively into Seidou’s makeshift shield. He has to break it. 

He has to break it, break it break it break brEAK BREAK BREAK–

“Fuck! Fuck!!”

–it was eerily reminiscent to him.

He could recall how he’s done something similar with Yamori. Huddled in what little attempt of a fetal position he could as he’s beat, holding his arms in front of him with relentless brutality pounding away at his poor excuse of protection. It was fun back then, though. Naki made sure it was fun, because this was a man that meant so much to him. He had kept his defense up, even as his body ached and practically begged to fracture under a monster ghoul that exceeded the power, the pain, and the vitriol of Naki’s own.

Rough patches of breath escape from both his mouth and nose.

Only then does his beating briefly relent, taking a minute pause with arm in the midst of retracting. He doesn’t bother to look over the damage that he’s potentially caused. All he cared for was being heard. Head cranes, exposing more meat of neck as if to purposefully goad Seidou into digging in even further. For but a moment, he’s staring down at him with a distant (not quite blank. he’s not grinning. he’s grimacing.) look. There wasn’t regret in his treatment, no, but rather… something off. It’s cause for lowering of tone that neared that of a pained whisper.

“… I fuckin’… feel sorry fer ya.”

However, gaze narrowed shortly after, shifting into a nasty glare. Soon, he feels blood (or was it bile? it’s hard for him to tell the difference right now.) rise in his throat from the merciless grip, karma deeming his plight no longer worth the time and effort. Hand tightens, coming dangerously close to breaking own fingers before he threw one last, final punch without regards for where it landed.

EVERYONE DESERVES TO HURT  — now there’s an interesting idea. before he bore no brunt of pain. back then, he only felt sympathy bubbling inside him when anxiety & fear & loss ate at the stability of those whom he could see dissolving. that was before, & this is after - when he has learned how to bear pain & dismiss it.  of course, there had been a transitional period. he only bore the brunt of pain after he had chosen to adopt the principles of investigator & learned that he should be prepared to lay down his life for his superior. look how far that got him.

AFTER that he became special, SPECIAL, the only the only success out of over sixty.

— asphyxiation is a weapon for conversation. weaken your opposition before you converse with them, if opposition naki be;  seidou has not, after all, chosen him as an enemy & so neither of them would die here. all of this is no more than a work place conflict. an absent snort of amusement escapes him while fingers squeeze, squeeze more & more frantic demands of shut up from the other man. but amusement transforms into intrigue as another’s initial alarm transforms into competitive & combative assurance. interesting, but only barely so.

to some degree they are likeminded men. pain like this isn’t alien, but it isn’t familiar. he treats it with indifference because pain itself is an inadequate companion for adrenaline. where’s the fun, where’s the fun in a little brawl for the day without the adrenaline, without the challenge  ?

WHERE’S THE FUN IN  it’s funny that naki shouldn’t care — an occupation is an occupation & roles are roles & this is some fucked up performance that someone has staged. so the sardonic tilt of his blackened lip questions the truth of this, that naki shouldn’t care… but his sullen gaze informs him with concrete certainty that current lies could not escape the other - not through gritted teeth & with the furious energy that he emits now.  

interesting. interest —— ting.  his tongue explores the palette of his mouth to make an instrument. the note he strikes shifts from tsk to ting.  ting. ting. ting.

auditory exploration ends when the first blow comes to his hand. the flesh bruises & cracks — & he breathes a count beneath his breath. one hit, two, three  - keep going for it. it bruises, bruises, breaks & shatters & tries to mend but is stopped again with smashing pain —— fine. he counts without consideration for any tips & tricks taught to him. pain, remember, is not something he has learned to tolerate; it’s something he has learned to dismiss.

three three three three eight nine ten ——— thirteen & sixteen ——— nineteen. he can’t help but laugh, start to laugh & laugh & give a sense of light fun to warfare. that garbage he tries to spew is only a reflection of the times … & of his company. the laugh twists a smile onto his face, & the blade of his teeth digs into his lip. no one here at aogiri could sit & try to tell him that they were trying to be a good person. they might have good intent —

but the means. AOGIRI sits huddled upon itself & whispers that the means must justify the ends. they must … or else all this has been for nothing. of course, all of this doesn’t stop them from being shit. he’s the only one honest enough to own up to all of it.  he holds his arm firm & blinks lazily as it bruises & bleeds & colors itself with impact.

but the opportunity comes & rises like bile in his throat. so his fingers clench around the other man’s throat & grasp & demand shut up, shut up, shut up — temper flares with mercurial passion. his nails dig a little more into skin than they had & press crescents into the skin there. pity repels him & yet … it was to be expected.    he squeezes & then decides that entertainment has dwindled & died. so the defensive arm drops to allow the entrance of one incoming blow —

he feels his collar shatter & the empty protest of pain  (   ouch  ) escapes him in deadpan.

‘    sure.  ‘cause you’re responsible. enjoy the feeling.    ‘

[takizawawl]

me reading any of my own writing: what the fuck are you talking about

[takizawawl]

"It doesn't have to end this way."

frustration wants to scream, but it stays silent. doesn’t have to end this way ? says whom  ?   such an optimistic approach —— & desperate. say what you will about seidou takizawa . . . about owl . . . but desperation abandons his immediate disposition.

after all, you can’t be desperate for something if want for something is dead. —— of course he still wants. he wants not to want  . . . & desperation makes its consequent perch internally.  frustration wants to scream, but seidou bids that it stay silent. however, he cannot prevent frustration’s speaking with the  quirk of his brow & the curl of his lip.

BUT HE DEFERS.  bemusement turns to a sullen demeanor as he casts his gaze to creep upon the broken figure of a deadman who wears a hole torn into his stomach … & into his neck. his blood has begun to paint the ground. it’s an unfortunate art, but the death had been quick. it is a waste, though … there had been no time to eat in the midst of this blood feast.

even so, his appetite is empty. he glances broadens to the collage of bodies scattered him; they litter the ground & make the air fragrant with the scent of sweat & blood & heat & smoke. tatara brought fire, brought the heat . . . & granted seidou the opportunity for shaky hope until seidou murdered it alongside these surrounding dead.

HE DOESN’T HAVE JUSTICE ON HIS SIDE, YOU KNOW — which is why you need remember how different they are, amon & he.  LIFE & DEATH & DEATH & DEATH & whatever you may say, seidou is not dead yet. just defeated. & amon is desperate, but he is also VICTORIOUS. amon koutarou is a man born into strength & victory & sin & redemption. for these traits, seidou admires him. he hates him. SO SELF RIGHTEOUS even though he got to escape, &  —

seidou can’t shake the feeling that the escape made no difference in where things are now. even if he had escaped too, he ( a weak & corroded man ) would still be beyond help. & so teeth grind. fingers snap. hollow voice voice echoes the sound :    ‘ of course it does.  it has to be this way.  but everything’s gotta be about trying & helping & doing the right thing with you . . . it makes no difference to me. come off it.   ‘

besides, what would you have him do ?

                        UNPROMPTED      :      @acolytus