taoofbaby

[taoofbaby]

After yesterday's 3 hr anxiety attack I am hoping the little bit of spotting I saw a little bit ago will end this hellish 2ww. I am not sure what is making them so bad again. My diet? Lack of good exercise? Also coming to the realization that if I'm lucky my 2ww is indeed 2 weeks bc they've been trending a lot more towards 16...17 days.. and a few extra days is hell.

[taoofbaby]

Dear period, Please show up. The chance of me being pregnant this cycle is like .00001. Like its probably happened to people, but it doesn't happen to people like me. And bc my temp has been dropping I expect you. But I am also paranoid that bc I didn't chart much at the beginning of my cycle, something is wrong or incorrect.

[taoofbaby]

Only got to try 1x this cycle bc my health went into the shitter. Did it while having ewcm. Didn't ovulate until 4 days after last trace of ewcm according to FF. Fucking boobs have been sore as shit for 3... THREE... weeks. Why did they need to be sore almost a whole week before ovulation?!

Had to have rib xrays done, 5 different views. Ribs fine, a nerve running thru them not so much.

Hoping my period comes today, sick of my tits aching. Overall shit cycle and month, -100/10.

[taoofbaby]

Worst period in a long time. I cried most of Thursday. I hurt. I feel sick. Muscle cramps and twitches. Stupid ass heart palpitations which I haven't had in forever (those actually started like a week ago as pms ramped up). I knew it was gonna be a bad one but lawdy.

[taoofbaby]

Cycle 2 no Clomid chart. We hit the mark, it just wasn't the month. My hormones were off all month anyhow. I could feel it. I don't know if the soy isoflavones were a good idea. My ovulation was late but within the time frame I ovulate when it's late. If I ovulate early in the cycle it's usually between days like 15 to 21. If it's late it's usually around days 26 to 29. 2ww was the slowest ever and complete hell. I just felt so horrible that I pretty much knew by 5 or 6 DPO that I wasn't pregnant. So it was just a grueling wait for my period to show up. At least since I started bleeding I feel 25% better.

[taoofbaby]

It feels like there is an immersion blender in my uterus.

[taoofbaby]

My only regret of not getting pregnant this month is finding out around or on DH's transplant anniversary would have been extra special and amazing 😏 guess that's why it was too much to ask for.

[taoofbaby]

12 dpo, temp still up, negative frer with fmu. I swear if this is one of those 16 day long 2wws I will cry... My boobs are so sore and I am over it.

[taoofbaby]

I know it's early, 11 dpo, but BFN. I've been unwell the past several weeks and today said fuck it and took my Advil bc the amount of pain in my body is making it hard for me to deal. I haven't felt this shitty during a post o in a long time either. I keep praying my period will come a little early, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant this cycle.

I went back to taking my olive leaf extract too. I found mixed info about it. Nothing saying don't, just not enough research and some saying it's fine. If I'm not a functioning human I can't get pregnant anyway soooooo.

[taoofbaby]

I can't figure out why, with a positive opk entered, FF puts me at 10 dpo and without it 7 dpo. 10 dpo even puts me ovulating a day before the positive opk.... it tried that shit last cycle too which made no sense. Edit: I just googled, apparently lots of people have this happen using FF hmmmmmm

I am fairly certain 7 dpo is correct. The algotherim FF uses it just a bit confusing sometimes. It just is driving me crazy why entering a positive opk changes my o date by 3 whole days.

Well for my sanity, I'm assuming I'm 7 dpo and not testing until I'm late on the assumption of where I am now.

[taoofbaby]

The post-o death feeling is happening. Although I'm glad I don't get pmdd feelings anymore, my body goes bazerk. I think it's due to my viral/autoimmune shit. It scares me a bit bc I don't know if it could have an effect on conception. It also makes me wonder how the hell I'll feel during a pregnancy.

[taoofbaby]

Also I meant to make this post awhile back but never did.

Has anyone else noticed people projecting their issues while trying to conceive, especially with fertility issues, on you if you share your experience with them or vent or what have you?

I have experienced this a lot! I really try to be patient in my response to people but sometimes I want to scream you're not listening to me!

Like I had my sister do the whole you should keep it totally secret thing on me for so long because that's what she did with her issues, but like hello, we are two different people. I know for some people keeping their fertility issues in the dark is what works best for them and I totally respect that, but if you're somebody like me sometimes I feel better telling people hey look we're struggling to do this and it's not always easy and sometimes I need some fucking support. I'm not ashamed of my struggle in any aspect. I know that it is not my fault, I know that it's not my husband's fault so why is there anything shameful about it?...

And then recently I had a friend that just could not understand that my husband is so fully on board for ttc and extremely open about everything concerning our struggle with ttc. Granted, this friend has absolutely no idea about the things we did while my husband was ill, so she doesn't understand how far down the rabbit hole we've already been LOL but I just had to keep telling her over and over that my experience has not been like hers. She just kept going over how shut down her husband became over their fertility problems and I'm just like girrrrrl no that's not what im venting about (this was when i was upset that I ruined his boner last month by telling him about the positive opk)... meanwhile I had another friend step in and just be like girl don't tell him about it men are weird like that and boom she was right. No projection.

Like I totally don't mind if someone is telling me about their experience with fertility issues to share and bond and relate with me, but there's a difference between that and telling me what I should or shouldn't do or misreading the situation based on their own projections.

[taoofbaby]

Current happenings of my uterus. FF keeps changing my ovulation date daily depending on my temps. I don't really trust it but feel pretty confident I am somewhere in this range post o based on how I feel. Funny thing, I had decided screw opks the rest of this cycle after it was appearing I geared up to o and failed... the 2 days in between all the negatives were "ehhhhhhhhh these could possibly be read as positive but I'm not entirely sure." The day with the positive? I took one just for shits bc after 2 years of having mostly ovulatory cycles and not depending on any stick to tell me if I was ovulating soon, I simply listened to my body and felt like I was going to be soon. And bam, it was a pretty clear positive I think, the test line looked a tad darker than the control even, which I think with me is the only way to call it a positive. I think in my situation the ones that are very close or equal to the control line cannot really be considered true positives. But anyway I thought that was amusing because I've spent so much time getting myself worked up over the idea of not being able to trust my body and this and that and here when I really sit and listen to it and pay attention to the signs it is actually pretty predictable a lot of the time. So I mean there was sex, so I suppose there is a chance. Fertility friend is wanting to say I ovulated on the day of my positive opk.... it had been trying to say I ovulated the day before which really made no sense. I took that opk probably around nine at night I want to say.... we had sex that night around midnight so I just counted it for the next day and then we had it again around 10 or 11 p.m. so I would like to I think that there was something there for my egg. The previous days were probably too late.

[taoofbaby]

I thought I liked ovia but it just assumes you ovulated after your "fertile window" regardless of the data you enter😬😬😬

[taoofbaby]

My chart is fucked. I think my thermometer is possessed bc even tho I haven't charted much it has never done this mess (except last cycle when it started this mess)... I bought a new one tonight but it's a cheapie Wal-Mart bbt thermometer so i dunno how accurate it will be and how long it will last. Then again who knows! I haven't ovulated. It pains me so much to go from mostly regular 30 day cycles beck to the land of wtf is going on?!!!! I'm also wondering now if my intake of olive leaf extract has any impact on ovulation... I started taking it and my cycles got wacky. I take it for my viral issues which it seems to help but if it throws off my cycles it's gotta go... I'm going to take myself off of it and see how it goes. Think I'm going to start using my dad's treadmill for an hour or so a day 4-5x a week since it's getting too cold for long walks outdoors.

[taoofbaby]

Starting to wonder about my thermometer.... I feel like my temp is so jumpy and I take it at the same time every day, close my mouth for a minute if I've been mouth breathing... the 95 temp is super weird. Opks are frustrating to me, they are so hard to read once the 2nd line gets dark enough unless it goes darker than the control. I wish I could afford the digital ones but they are way too pricey for my tastes. Trying to be patient with this cycle. Just eager to try clomid again I guess. I believe I should ovulate but it's hard for me to trust and I find myself doubting everything and I'm trying to figure out how to stop that.

[taoofbaby]

Things I learn when actually tracking my cycle and not just having a general idea:

I always assumed breast changes happened to me after ovulation. Turns out it seems they start to happen to me around ovulation. So there's been lots of times I'm betting I assumed I already ovulated when in fact I might not have for a few days later (This is just a guess of course without charting or anything to back it up). I swear you can think you know your body well and then learn something new that is very important info.