tassenni

[tassenni]

I am so fucking conflicted. On one hand, I don’t think we’re right for each other. On the other, I can’t be sure that’s not just my depression talking. Or if it’s really me? I feel like it’s really me because I go thru this cycle very often regarding our relationship, whether to attempt to stay and make it work, or just end it before things get too much more serious. For fucks sake we’re talking about getting married in August.

I don’t think I want to be a military wife. Not to a man who has no empathy, makes racist and sexist “jokes”, supports Trump, and unironically watches videos that involve the phrase “woke ideology”.

I don’t want kids. He does.

I dont support trump. He does.

I don’t even want to have sex anymore and he does. I told him how I do not have a sex drive right now and later that same fucking night he asks if he can eat me out. Bro I just fucking told you this morning that sex is literally not something I WANT or THINK ABOUT. And you’re going to fucking ask me that???

I don’t want to be a fucking military wife who’s left alone with the kids 60% of the time because he’s at work or out at sea or whatever.

I do not want this to be the rest of my life.

[tassenni]

this is going to sound awful but I sort of finally realize what it was like to date me. I’ve always dated people who are objectively way smarter than I am. And now I’m the one who is smarter in the relationship. And it’s SO HARD to find things to talk about??? I don’t want to overwhelm with science speak but all I’m reading or listening to lately are sci fi audiobooks. Other than that the only things we really talk about are future plans, or where we’re at in a video game we’re playing. I can’t really explain the books I read without spoiling them because I want him to read them too but I also am aware he won’t. So I guess I should go ahead and spoil them but I’m still holding out hope that he’ll read them??? We’re so similar but… so so different too.

[tassenni]

The more I see of you the more I do not like you. I asked you for the tiniest fucking request and you deflected saying it was just a joke. I said at some point it stops being a joke, you deflected again in a shitty attempt to defend yourself. Then didn’t speak to me for nearly two hours while we were in the same room, ignoring my whole fucking existence; then finally said goodnight I love you as you slammed the fucking door, obviously not meaning it.

I’m not the one in the wrong here. And genuinely the more I see of this shitty ass childish behavior of yours the more I want to just fucking end it. We are clearly not compatible.

[tassenni]

I’m not sure I really like the man in front of me. I feel the most loved I have ever felt but there are GLARING red flags.

- no empathy (like, towards other people OR animals)

- doesn’t believe me when I tell him I’m in pain or something is wrong until he has physical proof I’m not “being dramatic”

- our politics do not align whatsoever and the more he talks about what he believes the more I’m like …what the fuck…

- regularly bullies my cat while openly preferring the one we adopted together (which went on until I outright told him to stop being mean to her)

- regularly jokes with our other roommate about openly fucking murdering the stray cat that hangs around outside (and is now in our vents lmao) and didn’t see anything wrong with it until I phrased it as “yall are joking about murdering a living creature just because it’s annoying to you, do you see how fucked up that is”

I’ve moved in. He is going to propose to me soon. I don’t know if that’s really what I want anymore. But how do I leave when I don’t drive, it’s the middle of winter, and I can’t just take all my shit and move out.

[tassenni]

Oof clinical depression really does warp your whole worldview lmao

[tassenni]

lowkey I’m already regretting moving in here. idk if it’s the depression or my med change, or the fact that I don’t like how these men treat my cats, or that it’s constantly freezing or that the only things to do are game and sleep, and then he’s surprised when I take so many naps. I have CLINICAL FUCKING DEPRESSION. Of course I’m going to be tired as fuck all the time, that’s what depression DOES to a person.

If I’m this tired after a week of living here…. Is it too late to resign the lease for my apartment…? Probably. I should’ve just told him I wasnt ready to move in and kept the apartment.

[tassenni]

We picked up the ring and I could not stop looking at it omg I cannot wait till this man proposes and I get to spend the rest of my life with him 🥰🥰

[tassenni]

I picked out my engagement ring over the weekend and it is so freaking gorgeous 🥰🥰

[tassenni]

4k probably wasted!!!! Fuck accounting, fuck my shitty coworkers, I don’t want to do it anymore. Back to the fucking grind I guess!!! Who knows what I want to do with my life bc I certainly fucking don’t anymore.

[tassenni]

bro deadass said WHEN we have a ceremony or get married. Not if. WHEN.

[tassenni]

“if I don’t stay here you’re coming with me” like yes sir ok I absolutely will

[tassenni]

this is by far the happiest healthiest relationship I have ever been in and I am totally fucking here for it 🥰🥰

[tassenni]

I deadass just said out loud to myself “holy shit I have a boyfriend” ??? Like I KNEW I did, we have established that we are dating, but it’s lowkey wild to think about? a lot of my past “relationships” were not actually relationships and I haven’t had an official boyfriend since like…. 2021? just people I fucked lmao.

[tassenni]

did this man just seriously tell me he wants to marry me???? “if you feel you’re ready I’ll go straight to the mall” BRUH WHAT? I’ve never had a man be this serious about me before, it’s… unsettling but also extremely nice to know where I stand without having to ask 🥰🥰 like yes but uh let’s wait a while longer

[tassenni]

I’m so tired of spending Friday nights alone. that’s all. I’m just sad.

[tassenni]

idk if I want kids. part of me kind of does. at least one. part of me doesn’t, because what’s the point, the world is going to shit, and what kind of person would I be if I brought a child into this world? I know neither of the two men I’m seeing right now want (more, in one case) children. would I even be a good mother? I doubt I could afford it even I would be.

Just… kind of makes me think. what if I hadn’t had that abortion. what if, if it happens again, I don’t have one. I know I have my IUD now and I don’t really have to worry about it, but idk. maybe in the next 5-7 years I might want a child. 35 isn’t too old to start a family.

I feel like the fact that it’s not a resounding yes means I absolutely should not have a child though. it’s just… that biological clock hitting me I guess. I’m 27, almost 28. Never been married. Never had kids. Living that single cat lady life right now. But I want a partner.

Fuck. Do I actually want kids? Tell me this is just my biological clock talking and not me changing my mind.

[tassenni]

quarter life crisis time where I cut my own hair, dye my own hair, get a new tattoo and a new piercing 😘