tatolina75 - Tumblr blog

[tatolina75]

Maybe sooner or later every love story comes to an end.

[tatolina75]

I don't want to be like that, but what else is left? My brain runs around all the time looking for something worth smiling but can't find anything, nothing brings me will to move, do, live.

I love my baby girl, she's the only bright thing in my life, I drag myself out of bed every morning to wake her up, help getting ready for school, but once she's gone I am left here in nothingness.

And whenever her dad is here I feel like I am not needed, he can do a better job than me because I am always sad and tired and end up making her a little but sad too...

I wish I could disappear, just stop existing in a way she won't miss me, so she could be happy and have her life and I could finally rest.

I am so tired, I don't know how to keep going, being sad, crying is so exhausting...

Ti voglio tanto bene Elettra, spero tanto che lo capirai da grande, perché io non sono tanto sicura che la mia mamma mi volesse davvero bene e non voglio che tu abbia mai questo dubbio, sei l'Amore più grande della mia vita e se sono ancora qui e solo per te, ma ho paura, ho paura prima o poi di non farcela davvero più neanche a resistere così e se succederà non so se mi potrai perdonare, ma devi sapere che io ti voglio bene, per sempre.

[tatolina75]

I fought as hard as I could, for so long... I have no more strength left, no more will.

I am here only for her.

I just hope she'll be strong enough to not need anyone in r life to feel whole, because this whole world is fake.

[tatolina75]

Looks like everyone has his/her own life... but me.

[tatolina75]

Let's see what happens in a year...

I really have no one to talk to but myself, so I came back here where I have been in some past dark times... I lost hope, inspiration and will these days and all this after a period which has probably been the best of my life talking about how I felt inside... Losing what I got working, or better fighting hard for more than two years has been devastating. For the first time I was functioning almost 100% I was full of energy, ideas, was doing things, wanted to do even more, I was planning my life, dreaming about the future, I was positive, I was also learning to take care of my body, I was building a better relationship with food... it was so great! During the previous two years, those I spent fighting panick, anxiety and depression I had heard more times than I can remember this worlds: 'you can't do all by yourself, you need to learn to trust others, confide in them' There's probably nothing more far away from who I was, who I have been thought to be, and my teacher was my whole life. INalways really trusted myself only, because when even your mother doesn't understand, when she's the first to point out your flaws to as well as your strenghts to others, when friends in the end always choose who can benefit them more, who can you really trust? Maybe my dad, but he wasn't a man of many words and honestly he would have done everything I asked, but if he wasn't asked then he wasn't a man of action... so I think he let me down as well in the end. But this time, in those two years I really tried hard to trust people, to have faith in their good faith, to think they would be there if I even needed it. And then hell broke loose... my therapist went on maternity leave, I was feeling good so I was confident I could survive a few months without seeing her, but then Hubby got 'depressed' and I am using '' because I still don't really believe it was true.... He claimed he has been strong from a long time to help me, but now he was tired and it was his turn to be depressed.... I asked him not to do that to me because I was feeling good for the first time in my life and I didn't want to loose this thing, I knew it was something still so frail... I could feel it, it was a beautiful crystal castle I was living in. But he could only see it shining bright, he didn't believe me when I asked, begged, screamed to him to not tear down my new life. I worked hard to win against depression to be abke to live a happy life with him and our baby girl, and once I was ready he left me alone. I tried to hold on, I tried to tell me he was right, I tried to keep functioning, but this only progressively drained all my energy, but as usual when I find myself climbing a too high mountain I wouldn't give up, wouldn't stop, Life thought me to never show weakness because other will use it to tell you are not good enough. So my shiny crystal castle lost all his brightness, became frailer and frailer, like soap bubbles, they are so shiny and colorful, but when they slowly loose their color you can see them becoming thinner and finally they pop, without even being touched. So without him with me a friend who disappointed me hurt 1000 times worse then it should have. Not having certainty for the future brought 1000 times more worries. Having to entertain my daughter for two and a half month of school vacation became a nightmare. And the castle finally crumbled down... now I am here in the middle of all this broken crystal that doesn't shine anymore. My world had gone back at looking like Sougintou's world, no color, no light, everything ruined. I have no idea how to leave this place, or rebuild it, I don't have the will to find a way out, but staying here hurts so bad too... Now he is all worried and helpful, his depression disappeared by magic, I wonder if he just want to be with a damaged me and did all this somehow on purpose, I can't help thinking it, I feel I don't trust him like I did, not anymore, maybe never again. Him being there for me was probably the main reason that made me fall in love with him, it was my anchor, now it's gone and I am truly alone. My kid is the only reason I get up in the morning, but I feel I am failing her because I can't be the mom she wants and needs, I don't talk, I don't play, I am not there how I should be, I don't have the strength, so does she really need a mom like me? Or would she be better off me? If she doesn't need me here there I really can't find a reason to stay.

[tatolina75]

A new start

Vacation is over, tomorrow e new routine will begin with my daughter home from school till August 31st. I'll try to do my best, I feel phisically tired with this hot weather, but mentally I feel good, I have will to work and do things, I hope to feel like this tomorrow morning too. This first week I want to take it easy, hopefully this will bring more will to do for the weeks to come. So tomorrow morning if I wake up before my baby girl I want to enjoy my workshop a little bit, then we'll have breakfast and go to the grocery store, after that I'll have some laundry done and the work on the vegetables Then lunch and some rest, reading Pippi, after that I'll have to clean the studio and then swimming pool! Finally cooking and eating dinner. Sounds like a good plan for a full day.

[tatolina75]

The scare

I’ll be this way forever. Will I be this way forever? I woke up with a swollen eye, probably because of unshared tears from yesterday evening… I felt something strange while I was still lying on the bed and just run to the mirror…. With horror I saw my eye poking out of my head, everything was swollen on that side… That’s what I really saw… That’s how my mind works… My fears… Even when I feel good, probably even more so, they hide somewhere in here and stay ready to jump on me in the exact moment some small thing different from ‘normal’ happens.

A panic attack... Full blown... It was a long time since the last one... It has been short, I didn't take any medication, just felt my eye at one moment and realized it wasn't coming out of my head... But panic males you see things that aren't really there and makes you feel a wave of cold ice sweeping all over you... And you think: 'everything is finished, your happy little life has come to a terrible end, just like you thought all the time, and now all is left is some terrible time of sufference and dispair' That's what I think, that's how I feel whan panic attacks me... And probably this horrible creature will live in my head forever. It"s sad, but I can't help it, the story of my life generated this monster and it's alive and well inside my all the time.

[tatolina75]

Christmas has come... I feel fine, everything seems all right... Sometimes I'm still afraid something will go terribly wrong, but mostly I am able to live full days with a real smile on my face. I am not sure why, maybe cause the good news I hoped for have come, maybe cause I'm working on my old family issues with someone, maybe cause I keep reminding myself the words who have been told to me, that seeing myself like that made those who love me (and that I love) suffer and I don't want it. Or maybe the real key is in having this feeling that who I am is not wrong, that I can be and do what I love and makes me feel good.... Anyway, it has been a quite merry Christmas and I have hope fir the new year.

[tatolina75]

Crossing my fingers for good news after dec 15 & then been able to plan some quiet life

[tatolina75]

Cute things

I love spending time among my cute little things: dolls, erasers, stationary, fabrics... I don't know if it's healthy to be so attached to things, but this has always been me... And in these days, accepting it, I'm feeling good... So for now, to be able to function decently I think I'll allow myself to enjoy what I like.

[tatolina75]

Sometimes I feel like there a little boy out there waiting for me to be ready so he can come living in this world and being one day a beautiful man....

[tatolina75]

Everytime I have my hands on a sewing machine and I can touch fabrics I feel good... I wish my world was all here.

[tatolina75]

Sometimes I feel like I am invisible... When the person you rely more on seems to forget you may have needs and just acts without asking anything.... This is an other thing that makes me sad... I'd love so much to be able to be selfish and put my deisres first, express them and tell everyone to let me be and fuck off! I am sad and angry.

[tatolina75]

And just when I finally decided to give myself the chance to enjoy what I love, to do what I like and see if this would have made my life better... Something bad came up and put me on my endless hold again... I know I shouldn't let this stop me, but I have not the strenght to keep going. I need so bad a time of peace to be able to let go of all the pain in my heart... But again it's not allowed. I am sad.

[tatolina75]

Saturday morning... The worst time of the week for me since years... Since the day I got TIA... I'll be scared of Saturday mornings forever.

[tatolina75]

Tatolina is how my mom called me as term of endearment when I was little... I loved being called like that, it made me feel loved.... I can't remember clearly but she used it less and less with the time... Probably just because I was growing up, but still it makes me sad thinking about it. I just wanted to be really loved, but I am afraid I was never loved for real and for what I was.

[tatolina75]

Story of my life...

Since I was a kid I could never picture myself older than 40... now at 39 I'm starting to think I'll leave at least 100 years... just all the time needed to see every hope, everything and everyone I love crumble to dust.