tayaaaconway

[tayaaaconway]

Suicide is a sin.

God only puts us through what we can handle.

Why would it ever feel like to much then ?

She spends the first ten minutes, right after opening her eyes, in a sad attempt to try and find reasons to live just the day out.

“You only have to make it until you close your eyes tonight” she tells herself.

She thinks it’s going to get easier.

She thinks that because what else could ole mighty god possibly put her through?

She thought she had felt it all and then god kicks her down again.

Each time she thinks it’s the bottom.

Why wouldn’t she think it’s bottom ?

It’s cold, dark, lonely, and wet.

She’s left wondering why god would let her sit here for so long.

“It will get better” the strangers tell her.

Then why hasn’t it ?

I’m afraid your all powerful god may be a bully.

That cold, dark, and lonely place she realizes is her mind.

It’s wet because he’s been letting her drown in her own tears.

She has been on her knees, throwing her fists at the ground, screaming for help and still all she can hear is the echos from her screams and silence follows.

The silence grows more eerie with every passing moment.

He occasionally lets the light shine through.

As she got older she taught herself to be wary of the light

Because she knows how quickly it can be stolen.

She proceeds with caution.

Eventually the the light has been around for awhile.

She convinces herself that’s the light is here to stay.

Her smiles are no longer forced.

Her tears are now tears of happiness. Her mornings are no longer spent desperately trying to convince herself that today is worth living.

She can breathe.

The salty water has drained.

Fuck, she can finally breathe.

“Wait, no! What’s happening ? Please don’t do this again, I’m begging you” she pleads.

The blackness takes over the sky.

The temperature drops.

The water returns,

But something is different..

A chain on her ankle.

She didn’t scream this time.

She didn’t even cry.

She laid there as the silence overcame her.

She made a choice.

A choice she knew would take heaven away

But he’ll couldn’t be any worse than living in her mind.

[tayaaaconway]

If only I wasn’t a child.

People always tell me that life gets better, but does it ? Or do we we just outgrow the problems we have and because we were so immature that the ones we had back then feel bigger and more severe than the ones we develop as we grow older and wiser ? You never forget a feeling they say. You could think back to ten years in the past and remember something and it feels so deeper than anything you’ve been through recently. What if it’s simply because you were sixteen and thought you knew what love was, but your brain was still developing. So the pain still feels more painful. As we grow and mature, situations that would’ve bothered us before in a way we would’ve remembered them as “the worst” for our lifetime just don’t really seem that important anymore. We are just processing them differently, with an adult brain instead of the adolescent 16 year old one that made everything seem like the world was ending.

I think our adolescent years will forever carry some of the most tragic heartbreaks, for that reason. Although we know and we tell ourselves how truly unimportant it was, it will always be your first love, your biggest heartbreak. I’ve had people tell me “you’ll never hurt like that again” and/or “you’ll never love anymore like that again”, yeah because I’ll never be that 16 year old again. Every single day we grow, how could I ever manage to unage my brain 6 years ?

It truly sucks that we can’t forget a feeling. Now for the rest of my life I will remember someone whom I know now never gave a damn about me, as my first love. Someone I really wouldn’t even give the time of day to now. I will always remember my alcoholic father promising to help my mom pay for a dirt bike for my 15th birthday as more painful than him telling me he was on his way to get me from jail so he could then help me get my car out of impound, then ignoring my phone calls and text messages all day. I think I really just figured out why the dirt bike hurt worse than a real life situation. I’ve always felt stupid for feeling that way, I’ve never even said it out loud. I finally understand why it hurt worse when my mother told me I couldn’t go to the store with her than it did when she kicked me out and I had to sleep in the woods. It’s the age and brain growth.

I think subconsciously our parents know that. That’s why when you do something and the result is the “It wasn’t that long ago that I was your age, I remember what it’s like. You are just like me and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I did” conversation. The truly know that certain choices lead to the things we won’t ever forget. The things they wish they could forget. I used to get so annoyed when my mom would try and teach me a lesson through her life experiences.

“Blah blah blah” !

When I was younger I thought I was so grown. What I couldn’t realize at the time was this. Yes, my responsibilities might’ve been more complex than those of the other kids my age, but I was still a child. I still processed things like a child, a kid my age at the time. I was mad at my mom for never being around but if I was as grown as I thought I was I would’nt of been mad at my mom at all. I would’ve realized she was doing what she had to do. I would’ve appreciated my mom so much if I wasn’t a child. Oh if only I hadn’t been a child.

As you get older, if you’re anything like me you look back and understand how positively and faithfully impossible you were when you were younger ! When I hit age 16, boys were not yet my issue. No, when I was 16 I was going out every weekend drinking and doing drugs excessively. Going home on a Sunday to tell my mom all about how her 16 year old daughter got obliterated the nights before. At twenty-two I cannot imagine how terrified my poor mom must’ve been. I feel as if her thought process was “I could keep her from going out, she’ll rebel by sneaking out and lying. Or I could let her go out .. keep her honest, know where she is, and hopefully she’ll outgrow this”. I wanted my mom to care enough about me that she keep me from going out. I know now after having friends with straight parents, that wouldn’t of worked either. My mom never let me go out because she didn’t care. Quite the opposite actually, she did it because she cared so much. With an adolescent 16 year olds brain, I couldn’t understand that I was leaving my mom with a ridiculously impossible choice.

A. Go out and know where she is just in case something happens

B. Keep her in and her possibly sneak out and have no way for her to get ahold of me in case of an emergency.

I stripped myself of being happier because I was a sixteen year old who thought she was grown, failing to realize I was a sixteen year old with a sixteen year olds brain. I am now twenty-two, realizing that no matter how grown I felt, doesn’t matter if I was 9, 13, 18, or 22. My brain was only 9, 13, 18, and 22. Not any older than I was at the time. Certainly not processing the world around me as any older than I was at that time. If only I hadn’t been a child.

I realize now that are parents are not perfect, but neither were we as kids. I realize now when we were younger and the world felt huge, lonely, and cruel we were just growing up. If only we hadn’t been children, maybe we could’ve been as grown as we felt.

[tayaaaconway]

Sometimes I look up at the sky and imagine shooting stars. I only say I “imagine” them because I’m looking up at the sky through a car window and the street lights that stand on the opposite side of the road are reflecting on my window. Does the wish still count though ? Does it still count even though technically it wasn’t actually a shooting star? I tell myself each time that it’s kind of like “god” .. or god. I don’t actually see him.. but if I pray, will he hear it ? Will my prayer actually count if I don’t know yet that I believe ? See the thing is, as a child I always thought I believed in god. Then my grandma died. She was taken off this earth. She was taken from me. It wasn’t her dying that sent me into the bottomless pit of not knowing. It was seeing the fear in her eyes when she realized that she wasn’t going to survive her battle. When the realization that she was going to die sunk in, fear took over. It wasn’t having my innocence stolen from me as a child. It wasn’t the abandonment from my father. The mistreatment I couldn’t seem to get away from, wasn’t that. It was having the one and only person that I ever felt truly understood me, STOLEN from me. I wanted to be angry at her, but how is that fair ? I decided that I don’t know what the fuck I believe in anymore and let me tell you, it’s a lonely place. I always thought that safe haven was a place, but not necessarily. I’ve realized from experience that people can find sanctuary in other people, just as I did. As a kid, regardless of everything I was going through I could call her and escape my reality and just be her grandchild for a few moments. It was the safest place on earth. When someone you love passes away you either believe they are watching over you, or pray to the sky that they are. A guardian angel? Right ? But only after they pass.. that’s how the stories I’ve heard go. She was my guardian angel that was living and breathing. She was my guardian angel that I could call, hug, kiss, and cry to. She was alive. The guardian angel I could crawl into bed with and fall asleep to the sound of her breathing. I used to have these repeating night terrors that my mom and/or brother died.. I would wake up in tears. I couldn’t imagine what it would ever feel like to experience the loss of either. What my mind never prepared me for, was that feeling. I never thought I would lose her. Not even in a nightmare did I ever lose her. I always act like I know what I’m talking about. Which for the most part, I’m usually pretty accurate.. but one thing that I always lie about is that “I’m good at talking about my feelings” .. I’m not. I cover all my fucked up shit with drugs and alcohol. I don’t know how to describe how I feel. If I did, maybe I would feel better ? I tell myself that a lot too. If I talked about exactly what was going through my head all the time, I assure you.. you’d wonder how I’ve made it this long. I guess without my grandma here, my safe space now… is in my dark and gloomy mind that I have tried so hard and for so long to get out of, but god damn it… I can’t. Might as well make the best of it. Right ?

[tayaaaconway]

I can’t do it anymore. There I said it.

I want to kill myself. There I said it.

I’m so tired of defending you. See the thing is, with any and everyone else I have no troubles. No second thoughts. With you ? I have to question everything. I have to question if you are lying or not. Whether it’s the right thing to do or not? As your best friend, I should never have to hesitate to defend you.

I could be so happy right now. With absolutely NO questions. You took that from me though. You took friends who actually enjoyed my company. You took the person I love so deeply, it consumes my entire body. I should of known better, of course. You were supposed to be my best friend though. I did what I thought was right. I chose you. Without saying it out loud. Without letting anyone know, it was you.

You have helped me and guided me in such a significant way. For that I could never put into words how grateful I am. I need to understand though, what I did to you ? I never once looked at you and thought “hmm I’m prettier than her” or “hmm I can’t trust her because I ASSUME she wants to have a threesome with the guy I LIKE” ... aside from all the bullshit I’ve been through.. shit that I don’t even tell you, I trusted you. You have officially lost that. I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you in the slightest. You told a guy that I wanted to fuck him based off your fucking insecurities. How fair is that to me ?

I literally so badly WANTED you and Anthony to get along. I wanted my best friend and the man that I am in LOVE with to have some sort of friendship. I wanted you to be able to come to his house with me and have a good time. You ruined it though.. for what? 

[tayaaaconway]

The funny thing about talking to someone who has never been in love, they don’t understand. They don’t understand that it doesn’t matter what they do or say, it doesn’t change how you feel. It’s always beautiful at first. It feels like you are watching a movie about love. People who have never been in love see things in a different light. They don’t understand that we are in a black and white film and the spot light turns on and in that spot light is him/her and it’s nothing but color. What you don’t expect though, is the hurt. You don’t expect love to hurt so fucking bad. They don’t tell you that the person you fall in love with, may not love you back. They don’t tell you that they could be using you. They don’t tell you that they may not be over their ex. They don’t tell you that they could be toxic, abusive even. They don’t tell you that you may have to let this person go. They don’t tell you about that chance of falling, with absolutely nobody to catch you. So now you are in search to find a home, that may not even exist. Or it’ll take you 20+ years to find it. Especially in this generation. We are all fucked up in our own way. Ex broke us, absent parent/s, lost a loved one, or some sort of mental illness. I think more people should talk about how it’s OKAY to be scared. It’s okay to not trust someone 100%. Love is fucking scary. If more people talked about it, normalized talking about all the shitty parts of love, we would grow up and be more prepared for something to NOT work. Here I am, 21 years old and I still get disappointed when people don’t reciprocate the respect and love I give. Or I get scared and fuck something up before the person hurts me. What kind of fucked up world does god have us living in? Why can’t love be all around wonderful? Why is it we can fall so deeply in love with someone who never even wanted us in the first place ? Why do we spend, hours, days, weeks even.. crying about someone who doesn’t feel anything at all for us? Why does love make you want to die ? Want to know what.. love is a slow fucking death. I’ve never experienced a love that wasn’t painful. I would bleed myself dry for this man and he feels nothing. I wish feelings grew legs and walked away when the person did. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m tired of making excuses for the people I love when all they do is hurt me. I’m tired of not being strong enough to walk away. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and asking myself “what does she have that I don’t”! I should never question my self worth, or be in competition with ANY other female over some idiot who doesn’t know what the fuck he wants. Toxic men have a very interesting way in making you question EVERYTHING and make you crave more. They are consistent for a little and it suddenly changes. You find yourself craving that attention. It makes you so fucking sad, for what? Why do we want people who don’t want us ? I made excuses for you. To everyone. Of course I needed to rant to some, but in the end I defended you. “Oh he’s not that bad”... but what I didn’t realize, they were calling it how they seen it. Within those weeks I was with you consistently, you hurt me. Over and over, and your excuse was “I didn’t lie”. You did though, you did lie. Every single day you lied to me. You lied when you said you loved me. You lied with each and every excuse on why you couldn’t be with me. You lied every night while you held me until we faded into sleep. You lied every time you kissed me. You lied when you didn’t take me home. You lied when you got bothered about something I did or said. You lied when you told me it was because of drugs. You lied when you told me it was because I drink. You lied when you said it was because of what I did. You lied when you said it was because my choice in friends.

I fell so deeply in love with you that it didn’t fucking matter what you did. It didn’t matter when you had sex with other people. It didn’t matter when you said hurtful things to me, because I fucking love you. As many times as people have tried to tell me that it’s not love because I just met you a couple months ago. It is love though. I know it is. I know because when you aren’t speaking to me I feel like I can’t breath. It’s love because the moment I see you, the whole world stops rotating and in that moment.. it’s just you and I. It’s love because I’ve never felt more safe than I did wrapped in your arms laying in your bed. I’ve never had more fun doing absolutely nothing with someone. I’ve never looked at someone and seen my whole life, right in front of me. My whole world paused when I met you. You pressed play the other day and I have no idea what’s going on because everyone else’s life kept going. What do I do now ? You have options. Maybe it would’ve been like that for me in Florida, but here ? Here everything reminds me of you and it makes me sick to my fucking stomach. See the thing that needs to click in my brain, YOU don’t give a FUCK about me. You never did. You never will. I’m slowly starting to realize that no matter how badly I wanted us to work, it was never going to because you didn’t want it to. I realized that I was trying to fix something that you didn’t even care, broke. You didn’t want me to fix us. I think that’s why it hurts so much, because I led us down this road. We could still be doing ‘us’ if I would’ve just kept my mouth shut. If I would’ve behaved. I read this quote the other day, it said “you can either suffer in silence and destroy yourself or take the leap, say something and destroy the relationship”. It’s the what if’s that kill me. What if I said nothing at all and allowed you to continue to fall? What if I didn’t do what I did ? They kill me, but subconsciously I know that you and I would never work. We are like the same person in different bodies. I know that you won’t change. I hurt you, even on accident you will go out with the evil intentions to hurt me on purpose. I would be miserable. See I don’t want to be like this forever. I want to grow. I want to thrive. I want to be clean. I want that White picket fence family. I just don’t see you wanting that, or even getting that. You thrive on making everyone around you, miserable. You will never be happy until you sit back and recognize that it’s not everyone else. Notice how when I did what I did, i apologized for it. Profusely apologized. When you told me about what you had done. That’s all you did. You told me. You didn’t care how it made me feel. You didn’t care that I spent 4 days waiting for everyone to fall asleep so I could break down and cry myself to sleep. I beat myself up for weeks and weeks. It wasn’t just because you knew, it was because I am not like that. I sense that you finding that out, was the perfect excuse to leave me. I know that what I did was deranged. What you are doing to me ? It’s pure evil. I wouldn’t wish this pain on even my worst enemy. I wouldn’t wish loving a narcissist on anyone. I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy to fall for someone and nobody be there to catch them. I wouldn’t wish loving YOU on a single soul. I hope one day you wake up and grasp the fact that you need to change, in order to be happy. I wish nothing but happiness on you, but that’s just how I am as a person. Get the job, get the girl, take her to court and at least attempt to have a relationship with your kid, be happy for fucks sake. I hope you can love someone as deeply and purely as I love you. Wake up, please.

[tayaaaconway]

Lost.

I can’t imagine living the rest of my life, without you in it. I don’t want to.

[tayaaaconway]

Why not ?

Everyone makes everything seem so complicated. If you want that job, go fucking get it. Want to go to college, do it ? But...

Why

In

The

Fuck

Is

It

So

Impossible

to get over you ? I have so much potential and now I’m lost at sea. Where’d my anchor go? Where did my feelings get put aside, at? Because you were so quick to tie your anchor to her, weren’t you. You put a hole in my boat, damnit. Better yet, where did you loose yourself ? I think that’s the most important question.. not what happen to us, but what the fuck happen to you? What happen? You’re protecting her from ‘loosing you’ but out everyone else, the people who care more for you, in danger. You put them in harms way of loosing a loved one, and sheltered her from loosing a plain and simple ‘crush’. All of us, who looked at you and seen our whole future. Where are your morals? Why claim a ‘brother’ & do this ? Why ‘claim’ a wife, when you are a child? I want to so badly to wish you the best but I can’t right now. It’s you, it’ll always be you, but find yourself. Find yourself and make your way back to the boat, everyone is tired of watching you drown yourself.

[tayaaaconway]

Okay?

You seen him. You got him. You liked him. You loved him. He broke you.

[tayaaaconway]

I wish

I wish you never told me you loved me, because it was a lie.

I wish that day on the bed, in our room, when I was telling you how scared I was, I wish then you would’ve told me you weren’t ready.

I wish you never asked me out that day after Applebee’s.

I wish I never traced the words ‘I love you’ on your back with my finger.

I wish you never said those words out loud.

I wish you never laid in bed with me every night and told me how beautiful I was.

I wish you never even thought I was beautiful because then I wouldn’t be hurting so bad.

I wish you never told me I didn’t have to worry about you leaving me. Obviously I did.

I wish I never felt your touch.

I wish I never felt your lips.

I wish I never kissed you, because now I crave them.

I wish you never acted like you were leaning in for a kiss and then licked my nose.

I wish I never opened up to you because you didn’t deserve it, and that shows.

I wish you never asked me to come to your dads that night because I was healing and I would’ve been fine.

I wish I never let you take my shine.

I wish you never chased me around the house that night with a stick.. because that Ricky.. that’s when I truly knew I didn’t just love you. I was IN love with you.

I wish I never gave you the opportunity to be unhappy.

I wish i would’ve said everything that was on my mind instead of over thinking it.

I wish I would’ve sat in the kitchen with you guys.

I wish there was something I could say to bring you back to me.

I wish you loved me.

I wish I never had sex with you that night you came to my house.

I wish I never studied your body like a map.

I wish I never caught you starring at me.

I wish I never heard that cute laugh of yours.

I wish you never talked about OUR future as if we had one.

I wish you never talked about having kids with me.

I wish you never talked about how handsome our son would be.

I wish you never held my thigh while you drove.

I wish you never told me how lucky you were.

I wish I did everything right because then you’d still be mine.

I wish you never took my insecurities away because when you left me, everything hit me all at once.

I wish you never saved me EVERYTIME I get drunk. Still to this day.

I wish you never saved me from my suicidal thoughts.

I wish you never told me you didn’t wanna see me with somebody else.

I wish you weren’t so handsome.

And I wish I didn’t feel so god damn empty.

I still love you and I hate myself for it.

[tayaaaconway]

[tayaaaconway]

[tayaaaconway]

How ?

Sometimes I stay up late. Okay, not sometimes.. all of the time. I stay up late & think of things I could’ve said, things I could’ve done, money I probably shouldn’t have spent, people I should’ve let go of a long time ago. How do I let go of all this anger I have let build up? How do I let anyone in, when everyone has chose to walk out ? How do I get over the death of my grandma ? How do I forgive people who have done me wrong ? How do I save myself? How do I save myself from going down this road we call depression, again? I want to forgive the people who have done me wrong, not for them, but to make myself become a happier person. “Forgive them for yourself” okay.. but how ? How do I stop the tears from leaving slides on my cheeks? How do I shut my brain off so I can finally sleep? What does it even feel like to not think?

“I have zero feelings for you, stop worrying about me” says the boy you loved & the boy who felt nothing for you ever. How do I let go?

“I will never be on your side” said the women who is supposed to build you up. The women you call mom. How do I let that go ?

“If you tell anyone I will kill your mother & brother, leaving you a orphan” said by the man who couldn’t seem to keep his hands off of you. How do I forgive him?

“When your grandma dies, you can’t cry. You have to be strong for all three of you” said by your father who was never there for you. How do I love him when he’s done nothing for me ?

“I love you” said by everyone but by nobody who actually meant it.

[tayaaaconway]

If I could go back..

If I could go back in time. There are a few things that I would do differently. I wouldn’t have told you how I truly felt about you. For one, you didn’t & still don’t deserve to know how I used to feel about you. Secondly, where would things have gone ? You were hurt. I was hurt. Maybe you are the type that enjoys this. Are you ?

[tayaaaconway]