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Mental Health and The Mind of an Athlete

Playing sports is usually an outlet for people to escape their problems and let go. While this is sometimes how I cope, it also was the opposite. Anxiety can either help or hurt you in terms of sports. Some people thrive under pressure, and others can’t keep up.

I’ve been playing sports ever since my parents could enroll me in rec leagues. I grew up playing soccer, basketball, softball, tennis, golf, field hockey, and lacrosse. My parents worked full-time, so my brother and I were pushed into sports a lot because we needed something to fill time before our parents could pick us up. However, we loved it. 

I didn’t get serious about lacrosse until middle school. Lacrosse is a very popular sport in Fairfield, Connecticut, so I already felt a little behind. I always felt like I was one step behind, which could have been the start of my anxiety. I made the “B” team for my youth team in 7th grade. I started playing club lacrosse but ended up getting cut the summer going into my freshman year. I also did not make varsity my freshman year and had a difficult recruiting process going into college. 

I was able to overcome these obstacles. I ended up making the “A” team in  8th grade, I tried out for my club team again and made the team, and I made varsity sophomore year. I also ended up committing to Endicott, which couldn’t have been a better fit. But the sense of never feeling comfortable or safe in my placement has impacted my anxiety. 

For me, my anxiety can and has gotten the best of me while playing sports. In high school, I was always trying to be better. In my freshman year, I was put on the JV lacrosse team, and I wanted to make varsity. Wanting to get better and move up to the varsity team, I would email and talk to my coach weekly, asking what I can do to improve. The fear of not being good enough affected me. 

After a while, she stopped responding to my emails, so I asked her in person what I could do to improve. She told me I was doing great, and I had nothing to work on. This left me feeling mediocre. I wasn’t getting pulled up to play on varsity, but I was also not doing bad on JV, and my coach had no feedback. I felt stuck and frustrated.

I finally made varsity as a sophomore, and I was so excited to be on the team. However, over my three years on the varsity team, I had a different coach every year. This was another reason why my anxiety increased. Each coach had a different coaching style and values. My sophomore year coach would take someone out of the game the second they mess up. This made me a more timid and scared player because I was new, and I didn’t want to be why we turned the ball over; I also didn’t want to be pulled out of the game. 

In my junior year, the coach would scream at us on the field when we messed up. Again, not instilling much confidence or composure in the team. My senior year, my coach would pull us out of the game but wouldn’t tell us if we did anything wrong. This made me always second guess myself and how I was playing. I could have played one of the best games I ever have, and my teammates and family could tell me I played well, but in my head, there is always a mistake that outweighs the good.

All of this aside, I love playing lacrosse, and I loved my high school team. We were always together and constantly hanging out. One of the reasons I was able to subdue my anxiety was because of the girls I played with, and I am so grateful for that. When I played with them, I felt confident, and I don’t second guess myself at the moment. We were doing what we knew how to do, and as a team, we did it well. 

But once again, in my head, there is another side to this. My mind would try and tell me I wasn’t good enough to be playing with these girls. I am not the most greedy point scorer; I was very selfless and always put the team before myself. But because I didn’t rack up the most points, I told myself that I wasn’t good enough or that I didn’t do enough. 

All of this together created mass anxiety built since high school and has gone with me to college. The fear of messing up and not being good enough is a shared fear in many athletes, but it’s not talked about. 

People are embarrassed or feel like their problems aren’t as important as someone’s else. They feel like a burden talking about what’s going on in their head when they see people physically hurting or in different situations. I used to be afraid to talk about it, and to a certain point, I am still hesitant. There are so many resources available to you to talk about anxiety and help deal with those anxious thoughts.

Now playing in college, I still have anxiety when playing. However, I am trying to battle my mind. I have realized that it’s more of a confidence thing than anything. I’m trying to make myself more confident by being comfortable making mistakes and just believing in myself. I know my coaches, family, and teammates believe in me, so I need to believe in myself.

My college teammates are also more aware of my anxiety than past teammates, and some are the same way. When I am having a bad day, my roommate Katy Garvin always checks up on me and asks me how I’m doing. She notices when I get down on myself in practice and is there to reassure me I will be okay. Another teammate that checks up on me is Tori Hurley. Tori and I are very similar in the way that we both get anxious when playing. We are each other’s number one supporters, and we are both there to boost each other’s confidence. 

Contrary to my high school years, my college coach, Maureen Spellman, recognizes my anxiety. She adapts her coaching style to help me. Instead of yelling every time I make a mistake, she tells me that I’ll get the next one, says something encouraging, or won’t know anything. I have talked to her about my confidence levels and anxiety, so she knows that when I get yelled at, I get in my head. However, I don’t want her to brush it off every time I make a mistake; I want feedback; it’s just about the verbal delivery.

  Some days are worse than others. I still get upset when I make mistakes, and I dwell on them, but I’ve done better at recognizing when I’m overwhelming myself. It’s comforting to know I have my past and current teammates and family there to back me up and support me, especially when I feel anxious. It’s a journey and something that is uncomfortable to talk about, but I am willing to work on it because I love this sport and my team. 

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Wake Up, It’s Game Day! A Game-Day Routine for Endicott Women's Lacrosse

My alarm clock rings at 8:30 a.m. on the dot. Just like any other day, I put my laptop in my bag, get dressed, grab a snack, and walk to class. Except for this morning, there’s a text in the team GroupMe. “Happy Game Day!!!”, says coach. 

Games during the week can be pretty hectic. I start my day going to my 9 a.m. class, Philosophy of Sport. I have an online class right after this, so I go back to the door to zoom in and make some breakfast. I usually will have a yogurt smoothie and make some avocado toast. This is one of my favorite meals to start the day!

Getting some work done in the Wax Academic Building for my morning classes.

Once class is over, I head to the local Speedway gas station to pick up some snacks for the bus ride and get snacks for my big Gulls, Sophie Spaulding and Maya Feigenbaum. A team favorite is the sippy-cup blue Gatorade bottles that we can only find at the speedway. 

After I’m done picking up my snacks, I will go back to the athletic training room to get treatment. 

On game days, our trainer Kelsey Taylor will give me treatment for my shin splints. First, I sit in the whirlpool for ten minutes to get them warm. Then she grastons the front of my shins, then on the back of my calves. Graston is using dull mental tools to massage out the knots and dull spots in my muscles. Nothing better than a mid-day leg massage!

Getting some pre game treatment with the athletic trainers.

At around 12:30 p.m., some of my teammates and I will head to Callahan for lunch. We try to have a big lunch since it’s hard to eat something before the game, and we have to wait a while after. Usually, on Wednesdays, there is a mac and cheese bar at Callahan to load up on carbs before the game. 

After lunch, I head to my 1 o’clock Writing for the Media class. I usually work on my writing assignments or peer review other classmates’ work that is going towards our final project. 

Depending on what time the bus is, I will go right to the locker room from class. This is when I lay out all the stuff that I need to take with me or wear on the bus. There are a lot of things to pack in my backpack. We need to bring our warmup shooting shirts, pinnies, game-day socks, goggles, mouth guard, stick, turf shoes, water bottle, and of course, don’t forget the uniform! On the bus, we have to wear our travel sweatsuit, along with our white Adidas sneakers. This keeps up looking cohesive and intimidating getting off the bus. I also always bring an extra Gatorade or water, a snack, headphones, and a phone charger. You can never be too prepared!

Once I’m all dressed and packed, I head back to the athletic training room to get taped. Our trainers can’t travel with us because of Covid, so we have to do all of our pre-game taping and treatment before leaving. I get tapped on my shins before every game to help with my shin splints; thanks, Kelsey!

My go-to playlist to get pumped up for the game.

As I’m headed back to the locker room, I can hear music blaring, people cheering, and the familiar sound of clanking sticks. It’s almost time to leave!

Before we leave, one of the most important parts of a game-day routine takes place: doing each other’s hair. Our team has three braiders who will make sure to get to the locker room early enough to get to everyone they need to get to. Our team gets a mix of one or two french braids or other forms of braids in our hair. I like to have two or three tiny braids on each side of my head, and then I put them up in a ponytail and braid them into a bigger braid. It sounds confusing, but looks pretty cool!

My classic hairstyle for game day.

Traveling for games is a lot different now because of Covid. Our team has to split up between two buses to ensure we follow the occupancy limits and have enough space to social distance. Before we board, our coach checks our temperature and confirms we have a negative Covid test from the previous day to board the bus. 

Once everyone’s on the bus, everyone gets into their zone. Some people need to talk and be loud to pump themselves up, while others put their headphones in, take a nap, or find another activity to fill their time. I like to listen to my music on the bus to get me in the zone. I make my playlists on apple music and also have made remixes on SoundCloud, which is my go-to for game day music. One of my favorite songs to listen to is “So Close” by NOTD. When we get to be 15 minutes away from our opponent, we get dressed. Uniforms on, hair tied back, cleats laced, shooters and pinnies on, and we are ready to go. 

The team starts to get off the bus and get their stuff ready for the game.

When we arrive, we get off the bus, grab our sticks and our equipment, and get in two single-file lines to head to the field. I can hear the other team’s warmup playlist start to come off the speakers. We line our sticks up on the field, put our stuff down and get ready to take a warmup lap. 

Our new away-game jerseys hung up in our locks room, ready to play!

We go through a thorough dynamic warmup, and then we partner pass to get our sticks warm. I always pass with my friend Katy Garvin, who wears #17 for the Gulls. After we warm up our sticks, we get into some passing and shooting drills to get ourselves moving and pumped up for the game. We are always cheering each other on, being loud, and getting our energy up to get ready to play. We end the warmup by playing settled 7v7, which is how the game of lacrosse is played. 

 Me and teammate Katy Garvin from media day. Photo courtesy of David Le.

We head back to the bench, where Coach gives us a pre-game talk and tells us the starting lineup for today’s game. We end with a cheer. “Together on three!” “1...2...3...TOGETHER!” The starters take the field and set up for the opening draw. The referee is about to blow her whistle; everyone’s ready, the sideline is loud, coaches are whispering; It’s game time!

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Catching up with Katy Garvin: Women’s Lacrosse Standout

Katy Garvin is a sophomore here at Endicott and is a member of the women’s lacrosse team. She wears #17 for the gulls. As a freshman, she started all four games that were contested in the 2020 season. She started as an offensive midfielder but has moved to attack for this season. Last season for the gulls she registered nine goals, and two assists to start off her campaign at Endicott. In the two games, they have this season, she has one goal and two assists. She is fun to play with, and a role model for this year’s freshman class.

Garvin hails from Mansfield Massachusetts and went to Mansfield High School. She lives with her parents Diana and Fran, and older brothers Matt and Will. In High School, Garvin was a team captain for the girl’s lacrosse team at Mansfield High School. She was awarded Hockomock Sports first team, Hockomock Sports all-star, and 2019 Sun-Chronicle all-star. Garvin also played soccer in high school.

She did not know right away that she wanted to play in college. Garvin got serious about getting recruited in the middle of her junior year. From there she went to camps and clinics during the summer and found herself at Endicott. She talked with the head coach and met the other girls recruited in her class. After that camp at Endicott, she committed and has loved it here ever since.

However, getting her first season cut short last year was a hard reality for Garvin. Coming into the 2021 year, she still felt like she was a freshman, just because they missed so much of their college experience, as well as lacrosse. It was a hard adjustment to covid, but one she was willing to make. She is excited and happy to be back out on the field again competing for her first CCC Championship. 

Outside of lacrosse, Garvin loves to hang out with friends and family, listen to music, and enjoy good food. Her favorite pre-game meal is mac and cheese or steak and mashed potatoes. Her favorite music artist is Chelsea Cutler, who she actually met in concert! She loves spending days at the beach and also coaches youth lacrosse camps in her hometown. 

When did you decide you wanted to play lacrosse in college?

I decided at the end of my junior year season. So at the end of junior year spring, I decided I wanted to play in college and it basically was pretty easy. I just started playing in tournaments over the summer and then just decided I wanted to go to Endicott. So I really wasn't too involved.

What was the process like looking at Endicott or other schools?

I looked at a few other schools, talked to a few other coaches during my junior year season, but nothing too serious until summer when I talked to a couple of bigger schools and then decided this wasn't going to be so bad. Some of the bigger schools I looked at were Umass Lowell and Fairfield University. I also looked at Stonehill College. Some of the schools I looked at though, I could tell it wasn’t the right fit for me. When I came to Endicott I didn’t get a bad feeling.

What's your favorite part about being on the Endicott women's lacrosse team?

My teammates 100%. I think being an athlete you tend to surround yourself with other athletes, and my teammates are my people. We do everything together and support each other no matter what. I think some of these girls will be my lifelong friends. We literally do everything together. 

What was it like getting decent playing time as a freshman? Were you Nervous?

So I did struggle with nerves for the first few games. But you know, I would be nervous for the first couple plays for every game and then as I eased into it, you know, just things started to fall into place. Wasn't so nerve-wracking anymore. And it also helped that my teammates were aware that I was a freshman, so they wouldn't get as mad at me if I messed up, and told me it was okay. 

What's the competition like that you get to play?

It’s difficult to answer this because I am only a sophomore, and we have had two unusual seasons so far. So at this point, we've only played a total of six collegiate lacrosse games and all the games we played freshman year, I would say, were rather competitive. It was good competition for us, an equal level of play for the most part. But this year with in-conference games we are definitely head and shoulders above most of our conference competition because we put in the work. So it can be frustrating at times. It’s not just that we're better than them; we're better because we work hard.

Take me through what it was like when you found out your season was canceled last year.

It was really, really hard, especially for the upperclassmen. It obviously hurt differently for every grade. There was a different thing that each grade was losing out on. But, I do feel that in a way it brought the freshmen,  sophomores, and juniors,  a little bit closer together. That bonding experience that we had to come back and work from, it was like a “we're all in this together type of mentality”.

What are your thoughts on the leadership of your team?

I think they are doing a great job. We have six seniors, all six of them were named captains, which I think was a really great move. I feel that all six of them are very strong leaders. They each have very strong, but different personalities. So they balance each other out really well and work together as a unit nicely to make sure they are prepared and setting a good example. 

What's your relationship like with head coach, Maureen Spellman?

We have a close and open relationship, and I feel I can go to her with anything. But at the same time, there's a level of respect there that we mutually have as a player-to-coach relationship. So I think it's a good balance that we have going.

Who are some of your favorite people to work with on the field? 

I would say that I like working with Morgan Pike a lot because she's very easy to read and know what she's going to do. She likes to drive a lot and when she's going to drive, it's very obvious. So it's easy to see what she's going to do and play off of it. I think that's a rarity for a lot of girls at this level to be able to read them like that because I often get very confused on the field from time to time when I don't know if people are going to go right, left, or what.

What are you looking forward to in the rest of the season?

The CCC Championship. Having that moment like we've seen it from all the pictures and all the girls talk about it. That's just something I really want, and want to experience with this group. Also, this Saturday's game against Roger Williams is going to be a fun game. Usually, we end up playing them in the CCC Championship.

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The Road to a Season: Women's lacrosse Seniors get their Final Season, Amidst Doubts

2020 Seniors left school last year with unfinished business, an abrupt end to their college experiences due to Covid-19. For athletes, a lot was left behind, especially for the Endicott women's lacrosse team. They were 4-0 on the season and beat the ranked team, Trinity College, 11-10. They were on a roll. 

The class of 2021 has been hoping and praying that circumstances would change for the coming spring season. After getting cut short in the fall, things didn't look promising. But this group of seniors on the Endicott women's lacrosse team didn't give up hope.

Senior captain and goalie Alex Rose suiting up in goal.

The team is captained by the six seniors, Maya Feigenbaum, Gabi Prisco, Maggie Berger, Allie Lawlor, Alex Rose, and Mollie Manning. Making all six seniors captains was an obvious choice for head coach Maureen Spellman. "After all this class has been through, making them all captain was an obvious choice for me and the whole team. They have been through so much uncertainty as a class, and they are all deserving of being named captain. They all bring something different but important to the team", Spellman says. 

This group of seniors has kept the team positive, despite having doubts about the upcoming season. They radiate positivity and high-energy, which is contagious amongst the younger girls on the team. 

Snapshot of the women's lacrosse locker room.

Senior Maya Feigenbaum has been anxiously anticipating if they will get their last chance to play. Feigenbaum wears #26, is a midfielder for the gulls, which means she plays both offense and defense. She is one of the most gritty players on the field and a great role model for the team's younger girls. "Going into the fall, we didn't know what to expect for lacrosse and school life in general. It was definitely a reality check", senior captain Maya Feigenbaum says. In the fall, they didn't start on time, or how they usually would. 

 Senior captain Maya Feigenbaum rushing out for a clear.

"We started mid-October which is usually when we would end our fall-ball season. And we didn't get to practice as a full team ever". For all athletic teams, they started in small groups of "pods." The first phase was no contact in the pods, then phase two was contacted within the pods, phase three was inter-pod contact, and phase four was an entire team practice. 

The team progressed through the phases and was just about to reach phase four. But at the same time, all athletics were pushed back to phase one because of an increase in positive cases. Coach Spellman decided to have optional individual sessions to work on footwork, shooting, or stick skills instead of making all the girls go back to phase one. "I was upset, they were frustrated, and I knew it was in the best interest of the team to stop practicing and just go to indis," Spellman said. 

Coach Spellman watching and critiquing practice.

Not only was practicing together different but so was the team atmosphere. Feigenbaum says, "It was hard to motivate everyone when you weren't playing or seeing them every day at practice. Especially because we couldn't really do team bonding together outside of practice". Usually, many initial team bonding happens in the fall since the team is not practicing full time. It was hard to meet the incoming freshman since rules became stricter, and it was challenging to hang out with people you did not live with. In all aspects, the fall was a harsh reality for spring athletes. 

Close up of sophomore KC O’Connor tightening her stick.

"We [the seniors] did our best to try and connect with the girls when we went home after Thanksgiving. Coach planned team zooms, and we tried to reach out to everyone over the break to make sure they were doing okay and staying positive", Feigenbaum explains. The group of senior captains was doing their very best to put the team before themselves, even though they were nervous too. 

"I didn't know what to expect for the spring. I was nervous that we weren't going to play, but I was trying to stay positive for the rest of the girls. I wanted to be able to play more than anything", Feigenbaum said.

Fast forward to this spring, they are practicing as a whole team, six days a week now, and will be playing games starting the week of March 22nd. A quick turnaround for the team, but they are up for the challenge.

The girls lined up watching the play, ready to sub in.

The seniors are excited that they get the opportunity to play this spring, mainly because there was no telling what was going to happen since the fall didn't run smoothly. "Everything seems to be trending in the right direction. We are finding ways to do team bonding, we are practicing together, we get to play games, and we are finding a new normal as a team. I couldn't be happier", Feigenbaum said. 

Although there will be no fans allowed at any of their nine games this year, the seniors and the rest of the team are still grateful for the opportunity to play. They usually play more than nine games but needed to find a happy medium because of Covid. The team also has to get tested twice a week for their games and new travel protocols. 

The girls getting on the line ready to sprint.

Senior captain Maya Feigenbaum taking the ball to the net.

"We are upset that no fans can come to the games, especially for our parents. We are hoping some of these rules lighten up and maybe change by the time we have senior day", Feigenbaum says. No fans are one of the sacrifices that teams needed to make to play games this spring. In the end, it's a small sacrifice to make to get one final opportunity to play. 

The team will open with one out of conference game against Trinity College Wednesday, March 24th at 6:30 p.m. The first home game will be Saturday, March 27th, against Salve Regina at 2p.m. Tune in on the live stream to support your Endicott gulls and the resilient senior class. Go gulls!