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[tcencounter]

the abuse of narcissistic pastors

I am in a marathon race. I desire to expose the abuse of narcissistic pastors in the evangelical church. I believe I have been the victim of a narcissistic Pastor. Over the next few days I will list all the reasons I believe Him to be a narcissist. 

#1. His extreme sensitivity to criticism

Feelings of insecurity are typical of a Narcissistic Pastor. In a covert narcissistic pastor, this manifests as extreme sensitivity to criticism. The way my former boss and pastor responded to both real and perceived criticism seems to reveal this sensitivity as extreme. He would often be shocked, appalled, and confused by any and all criticism, as if he was above the criticism. I suspect that internally, he may have felt empty, humiliated, or angry. He was quick to change the subject, end the meeting, or be completely dismissive. He would never respond to my emails voicing various concerns, or if he did he would be brief and dismissive.

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Have you been spiritually violated? Being spiritually violated is when a trusted spiritual leader demands vulnerability from you. Oftentimes they will coax you into exposing yourself theologically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, or relationally to them without doing the same in return. They will use this information against you when they need to consolidate power over you or others. These abusers will slowly start to use your statements, opinions, mistakes, or vulnerabilities against you. They do this in subtle ways initially, but over time ( as the power dynamic of the relationship grows in their favor ) they may shift to more overt tactics. The common thread with this type of spiritual abuse is that these leaders have a dangerous orientation to power. They use their influence, their status, and their strength to dominate, invalidate and manipulate. These leaders thrive in religious settings where vulnerability is coerced from people and used to reinforce control. If you’ve been spiritually violated you may feel dirty, ashamed, confused, depressed, or enraged and may act out irrationally. Sadly, your actions will be used by your abusers as a sort of ammunition in your social circle to further amass control and to manipulate your community against you. This type of victim blaming is oftentimes subtler and more unconscious than most realize. The victims of this type of mistreatment may find themselves feeling they have to “plead their case” to the community in order to regain their lost social capital. This feeds the power and control of the abuser because they are able to siphon off more social capital from the victim the more the victim struggles. Being spiritually violated is possible when an abuser betrays confidence, abuses trust, plunders social capital, manipulates narratives, attacks autonomy or character, violates intimacy, deceives, or violently uses their position of leadership to misrepresent you. If you’ve been a victim of this type of abuse seek help at places like the https://www.reclamationcollective.com . 

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I dream now of what life can look like. Now that we are pushed to the social margins of our little mountain town. The religious elite in the south have found a heretic - an imposter and have done their good work at exposing him. I am that heretic. The public humiliation and embarrassment are to be expected in such a small place. Those we see at the grocery, the coffee shop, the preschool are all insiders. Such a small price to pay to be part of the tribe-simply accept the official narrative and question nothing. They all know of our disgrace and our sinfulness and they celebrate together that they are clean, correct, and godly. The anti-church is the shaming and humiliating church. Those who revel in exposing the sins of the individual, while obfuscating the sins of the institution. My sin was asking probing questions and being different. It became excruciating for my leaders to be questioned by the likes of me. They felt it was their divine right to rule and to police my thinking. Their blind spots are plain to see to the thoughtful or emotionally intelligent.  Many churches serve the complacent and apathetic and create a community exclusively for those folks. Dare to ask a difficult question and you will be violently attacked with phrases like “ if you don’t like America, why don’t you just move to another country”… Yes, I literally had an elder scream this at me over lunch. I had to ask him to lower his voice several times. This should have been my cue to exit, but I stayed on thinking I could somehow win over a culturally comfortable pastor and leadership team. I could not. And the attempt to do so made me bitter.

I slowly and quietly became confused, angry, and increasingly conflicted. Christian evangelical culture advocating atrocities like the Kenosha murders by Kyle Rittenhouse, the Trump phenomenon, and Christian Nationalism were traumatic to me. The trauma I endured in my youth was triggered relentlessly.  I was making a big stink about it online and people were getting fed up. My pastors and “mentors” were trying to be patient and kind but they were losing church members. I was publicly speaking out about how tragic and wrong evangelical culture has become. People were getting confused. I was stirring up trouble in a small Trump loving town. I was being too outspoken in my small Trump loving church. I felt systems of religious power and dominance were seeking to protect themselves at the cost of those who are in need and I said it. Folks didn’t like that too much. I felt Christ called to us to brave the wilderness for the sake of the gospel - even if it meant ruffling feathers - even if it meant going at it alone.  

We will never see the fierceness of the Christ in the face of insecure religious leaders who clamor for power, control, and privilege at the cost of the true gospel. Many “pastors” are simply brand managers for their little kingdoms on earth tasked with representing God. They worship an idol. Any negative press is a stain on their brand, and ultimately the “Christian Brand” … meanwhile the rest of us seek honesty, intellectual integrity, humility, and vulnerable conversations about mystery, love, and faith.  Unfortunately many evangelical leaders are too busy selling certainty to the few elect and have not the time to condescend to the level of the rest of us. So we ugly people form little “churches“ ourselves, on the outskirts of formal religious institutions. Those of us who ask hard questions, those of us who listen to the traumatized and hurting. We have no metric for evaluating a person’s stance before God and don’t need one. We just want to accept the outsider.  I have actually heard my ex-pastor say of a congregation member a few minuets before a Sunday service, “ he thinks he is a christian, but he isn’t”… This was incredibly hurtful to me because I knew he was also saying the same about me… and eventually they published a church wide newsletter denouncing me as a heretic. How painful - how ugly - how un-christlike. 

I’m grateful to be rejected by the culturally comfortable christian church. I was being lulled to sleep. I felt the fight in me dying away. I felt the seduction of quiet complacency creeping in as I tried my best to ignore my convictions. I was being domesticated and trained like an animal. The wild in me was being suffocated and suppressed. My voice was growing weary, angry, and embittered. I was in the wrong place. So I look around now at a wonderful new world. I have my mojo back. The mouth of the liars are silenced!

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We all worked together. We were renovating an old building on Main Street. My friends and I were excited, and we were working hard. The many hours we poured into the space are difficult to keep track of. We tore out old lath plaster walls, stripped it down to the bricks, we filled dozens of dumpsters to the brim with carcinogenic debris. It took over 2 years and the project has cost the group of us a lot of time, energy, money, and creativity.

While framing walls and running electrical wire I dropped a large extension ladder on my toe. I played it off as well as I could. I hid the pain and limped away to remove my shoe and examine the blood and damage. I would loose the toenail over the next 3 days. I limped around like an old man. Even now my right big toe keeps a bend in the nail that has grown back. But it no longer hurts.

I organized the painting volunteers when the time came and we worked with joy. We worked like people with a mission, people with a vision, a tribe. Little did I know what I was building. While the pastor leaned in the doorways and talked up the future, my father and I and so many others labored away. How could I know what I was building? The irony only now hits me. I was building a comfortable place for a few well intentioned men to hold me up as an enemy of the tribe. How could I know what I was building? The place that would stand at the center of town to loom heavy over me and my family. The place all our friends would look away from the mess and pretend it was okay. Now I know I was giving money and time to my abusers. Men who would publish misleading information to ruin my name. Doing it all in the building I built with them. We gave our time and energy and skill and talents. My wife kept the kids late so many nights so I could build a weapon used against me. And so it goes. I join the many who perpetuate their own demise. And the religious elite amass power, privilege, and control. Christ help us. 

[tcencounter]

     There are those who lean in to kiss

     Voices smooth and calm

     They sell ideas like grace, love, and community, but they will stab you when they need to

While the father heads to work - before dawn - to pay your tuition

He is quiet. He cannot speak sweetly like the preacher

     The politician will kiss a baby

While the janitor scrubs the toilets at the public school

     The oblivious cruise through streets of green lights

     The clean man with all the right words - he never stops talking

While the single mom hangs ribbon curls from the ceiling - her little girl is turning 6

     Judas will kiss you and the crowds will swoon over his words

     But he has a gang behind him - clubs drawn

While the broken sob into dirty hands - overwhelmed by their addictions

     The religious conspire and spin and clamor

While we change diapers and beg for mercy

[tcencounter]

Love is Patient, Love is Kind.

Oh How often I am impatient. I try to force my will, my view, my understanding on others. The poetic ad prophetic vision is often misunderstood. The prophets were often killed. I accept this fate as as one with a prophetic imagination few understand. I take on the cross as Christ did. I will be misunderstood, and ridiculed and spoken down to as Christ was by the religious leaders of his day. But I will find my help in Christ. He is always faithful. I can find my hope in the example of Christ, tragically misunderstood, tragically blamed, tragically hated by those who had all the answers. I’m in good company. All praise and Glory to Christ! I can live as an enigma as he did. What a wonderful and beautiful mystery!

[tcencounter]

Such a wonderful video!  Brian Zahnd talks about how empires compete with Christian's allegiance to Jesus. 

[tcencounter]

Coming to understand ourselves can be challenging. Recently I’ve come to understand my anger, my frustration, my lack of self control, my lashing out, my deep sadness and confusion. I can see now that God works in the world in spite of broken people and in spite of ugly circumstances. I grew up in a toxic church. I will refer to the pastor as the owner for reason you’ll soon understand.  The owner of the church ( let’s call him Bob ) was brash, rude, domineering, controlling, unreasonable, and immature. He spoke about money half time, handed out credit card swipes for us to give on credit, and claimed he spoke “as God” not “for God”.  From the age of 6 to 21 I was mistreated and made to feel ashamed, small, dirty, fearful, and weak. During some Sunday services Bob would ask the annual salary of congregation members, told some who they could and couldn’t marry, ridicule those who quit jobs, or made career decisions he didn’t like, tell some from other countries to go back to where they came from, say “towel heads” should be shot at the airport, and would often physically assault people during altar calls. I have literally seen Bob jump over rows of chairs to “lay hands” on people, tear the neck brace off of a visitor, call a women ugly during a leadership meeting, throw his microphone across the stage in anger, curse during a sermon with children present, and “prophesy” over people with bizarre fortunes while they stood in shock and embarrassment. Yes, it was bad.

One morning I recall Bob speaking of a man who had recently died of cancer and leaving his wife, two kids, and several grandkids in sorrow. This beautiful couple ran a ministry to those in poverty in Mexico and managed to help coordinate a few missions trips for the church. They left the church the year earlier and sadly Bob’s comment on the death was “this is what happens when you leave my church!” Other people were also shamed publicly after dying of cancer because they didn’t have enough faith. Bob, in his narcissism, saw their suffering and death as an inditement of his prosperity filled, overcoming, supernatural doctrine. It is sad to remember all the beautiful people who endured such abuse.

These are just a few examples of the ways that Bob was out of control. I could go on telling you of what I experienced and of the wounds my family and I endured. I’ll spare you. I write this to paint a picture of what those 15 years were like. Most of my formative time as young man was under the influence of this toxic religious environment. Even after leaving the church as an adult I was severely disillusioned, confused, insecure, and afraid. We were taught that to leave Bob’s church was to abandon the “True God”. We were indoctrinated with the belief that all other churches were missing it, they were ”less than” they were not the “true remnant” of believers. This is the nature of a cult. But God is still God.  

Even in the midst of such chaos and pain I remember standing in worship crying my eyes out in love and longing for God. I remember the ways I came to know God as very real, and the times the palpable, tangible, and mystical touch of Christ would overwhelm me.  Even at Bob’s church, God was reaching to bring me closer to Himself. How was this possible? How can God work though such a horrible human? What I have come to understand now is that God can use anyone-we are all broken. While I can see now Bob probably shouldn’t be pastoring at all, somehow ( even in such a mess ) God brought me into his family. One of the greatest lessons I’ve taken away from being raised in such a cult-like and abusive religious environment is that God works in spite of all of us. No one is perfect, no one possesses a perfect understanding of Christ, and we all hurt each other. The church is a messy place, where folks get it wrong all the time. When we worship together we find ourselves in an incredibly vulnerable place.  When we pray together it is about as intimate as people can get. When we seek God as a community we are knit together somehow-we become family.  Through this vulnerability and awarenesses we can help to heal one another.

Sadly, many of the kids I grew up with at Bob’s church will have nothing to do with God. Some died of drug abuse, some became single moms in their teens, others even now are militant atheists. Can you really blame them? Can we in the church not confess our sins? Those who have abandoned the faith are often hurt so deeply by religious people like Bob that they don’t survive christianity at all. I believe this breaks God’s heart - I know it breaks mine. So the next time those of us on the “inside” feel inclined to judge the “bad people”, maybe we can try to empathize, love, understand and dialogue. Maybe we can be different than Bob. We are not at war with the outsiders. Christ taught us that those who seem to be “the worst” are often deeply hurting and thirsty for a drink from the well. If you have survived Christianity, thank God for that, many have not. Let’s be a church that leads with love. Let’s be a church that listens. Let’s be a church that says, “we own the ways that those in our faith have hurt you, we are truly sorry, and we humbly repent”…

[tcencounter]

There is no such thing as a perfect church.

I’m an idealist at heart. I love watching nature documentaries where some explorer goes into an untouched wilderness. I dream of the pristine, the pure, the untouched, the perfect. But I am far from perfect, our world is far from perfect, and our churches are far for perfect. How do we deal with the let down? How do we keep loving ourselves through the times we are completely ashamed of ourselves? How do we keep hoping and loving and fighting for a community that seems to kill their wounded? I think we must commit to love even more. Nothing humans touch can be pure or perfect. So it makes sense that on this side of heaven our churches will be places of the same brokenness as the outside world. Filled with judgment, pride, arrogance, selfish ambition, and idolatry-just as I am. But I’m not all bad, and neither is the church. I’m finding healing in my community, I’m finding friends who show me the love of Christ, even when I’m a thorn in their side. I’m finding people reaching out and expressing concern in sickness. I’m finding freedom to express myself without fear of being labeled an outsider.

A large part of the objective of the modern church has been to keep people content. Don’t rock the boat too hard too fast. We must be patient and kind to each other even when we feel some are off track. We all have our blind spots and we should be careful not to try to remove a speck in another eye with a plank in our own.  I’m guilty of this as we all are. As we keep a pulse on the motives of our leaders we can trust in Christ. Christ will get us there.  If we find that our churches have mixed motives, it’s not our job to walk away in disgust, it’s our job to lovingly call the church back to her true mission. I remind myself that I’m not perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect church. Love where you are, invest in your community, and be kind, patient, and steadfast. It will not be easy, but it will be good. We are a family, and sometimes our family is full of crazy people-often that crazy person is us. But we can’t abandon our family when times get tough, we love them all the more knowing that Christ loved us first.

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Christians cannot pretend they can transcend politics and simply “preach the Gospel.” Those who avoid all political discussions and engagement are essentially casting a vote for the social status quo. - Tim Keller

When we fail to speak difficult truths to those in authority over us we are giving up some of our dignity as children of God. When our leaders shut their ears and refuse to be reasonable we must seek any medium or venue to share truth. They will say we are promoting division, but they said the same of Christ, they may keep silent as a way to accommodate the dominant cultural narratives, but Christ did not, they may criticize our technique, our tone, or our timing, but it will all be a way to avoid the true nature of the conversation.

Does your integrity cost you something?

Do you find yourself the misfit because to your views? Do you deliberate whether you should stay silent and keep the peace or start a conversation that may be uncomfortable for the group?  Your courage could help galvanize the courage of others. You could be the catalyst for significant change. Even when it costs us to speak up, we should try to summon the courage to do it! You never know the ripple effects and who may be inspired to follow suit. You may loose your job, loose some of your comforts, or loose your reputation as a “nice guy”, but you will keep your integrity.

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Some of us are uber sensitive, like super duper sensitive. Is this bad? It’s hard to say. Sometimes we can be overly sensitive to the point that it’s difficult for anyone to talk openly with us. Some people fall to pieces when someone gently points out a possible blind spot, their world shatters at any conflict. This is not what I mean by being sensitive. There is a tenderness we can posses that is very different than fragility. I am speaking of those of us who are wired from birth with a deep awareness of the emotional state of both ourselves and others. Perhaps we can detect things that others can’t. We who are gifted with a deep sensitivity excel in the arts, or as pastors or counselors. It’s not wrong to be sensitive. Sensitivity is not weakness, rather, going through everyday life with openness, vulnerability, empathy, compassion, and a general deep awareness can be extremely difficult.  Many of us who are super sensitive develop ways of dealing with a harsh world that range from hostile anger, numbing and self medicating, or even suicide. The vulnerable can be wounded easily because we can sense animosity, anger, ridicule, sarcasm, or neglect when others may not even realize they are communicating it. We may also abuse this strength and use it as a weapon to manipulate others or take advantage of people and use them to our selfish ends. Super sensitive folks may also perceive things that aren’t there at all, adding to their wounds and hurts.

It’s not wrong to be tough either. Maybe you have an extremely thick skin. Perhaps you would make a good Lawyer, entrepreneur, or politician. Still, we must learn to interact and respect others wherever you find yourself on this spectrum.  And though some may have a thick skin, we should also acknowledge that deep down, everyone feels pain, sorrow, loss, happiness, joy, compassion or empathy at some level unless they have divorced themselves in an unhealthy way to their own feelings.

[tcencounter]

the suicidal prove what no one says outright

In the world as we now find it, the things we people have always thought to have value are quickly being debased.  We live in an era of lies, misinformation, and a general anxiety over if one should believe anything-for fear it could be a cunning lie. So words lose their value. We have more words now than ever before, more information, more voices speaking and yet we have less understanding now than ever. Words are no longer sacred.

We see the way we measure our time, labor, and skills being debased. The fungible proxy we use to account for our work quickly loses value. We live in an age of counterfeit, of deceit, and of a general anxiety that what we have worked so hard for will soon lose it’s power to purchase anything at all. So we witness people taking risks to find ways to protect the value of their livelihoods. And like the words we use, the currency supply increases as the power elites cheat, and the value leaks away.

What God has created sacred ( man’s words, and man’s ability to reason, create, and labor,)  is being debased. Ours is a society of deep darkness. Only in Christ can I find real truth. This truth is not a cliché.  Now the very life of man is called un-sacred. We feel it in our bones and the suicidal prove what no one says outright. But I hear the words of a Great Mystery. Every person is worthy of love and belonging. No one should be lied to or stolen from. I have heard Good News, Each person is of infinite value. So much so that Christ would give His life, would allow himself to become debased, to take back the world as His sacred place.

[tcencounter]

An open letter to Christians who seek to dominate.

I have made an effort to remain silent on what has been happening recently as a way to keep from controversy. I have lost this inner battle. I think of my position-the quiet life I have here in my rural town and how people might view me as some sort of agitator.  Silence can often be responsible but then there are times like these when silence is cowardly. There are so many things to write about today but one strikes at the heart of what I feel is happening in our country.  I see the christians I love and care about succumb to the seduction of power over love, domination over devotion. This is not the way.  While not advocating anarchy or violence I do see a place for peaceful protesting.  I hope to appeal to those who can’t empathize with the masses of people in the streets. Perhaps we’ve been insulated for so long we have never really been without a voice, never really been the oppressed, never been the broken.  What we see happening today is a chance to see the gospel lived out. But we must be vigilant because what we are witnessing now from the halls of power has very little in common with the message of Christ.

Christ just after his temptation in the wilderness as He returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit…

Luke 4:16-21

He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. He stood up to read, and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,    because he has anointed me    to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners    and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free,

 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him. He began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

I should define what I mean by a protest. When I talk of a protest, I am recalling the right we all have to peacefully assemble as MLK did. When the dominating force of culture shuts it’s ears to the poor, the oppressed, the marginalized, often the only voice one has left is to march in the streets. The courage and conviction it takes to do this is immense and so before we cast stones we should take a moment to empathize with someone who feels so compelled as this. I am not advocating looting, or vandalism. Let us not fall prey to the psychological warfare of condemning the whole idea of a protest because of the failure of the few.

The Christian message calls us to die for our enemies, not to dominate them. If we can’t see that then we’re not seeing the work of Christ. Yesterday the world watched as our president made a speech about of the rule of law. Just after this a group of peaceful demonstrators calling for justice were fired upon with tear gas and rubber bullets to make to make room for Trump’s photo opportunity in front of St. John’s Church. Is the irony lost on us all? Shouldn’t the poetry in this be obvious for us all to see? For those who have eyes to see let them see. This is the epitome of the callous Pharisees of Christ’s time.

Luke 20:46- 47

“Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes, and love greetings in the marketplaces and the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, who devour widows' houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation.”

The heart of the Bible can be utterly ignored while you hold it up for the world to see. God desires justice for all people, not dominance from a few.

Amos 5:22-24

Even though you offer Me burnt offerings and grain offerings,

I will not accept them;

for your peace offerings of fattened cattle

I will have no regard.

Take away from Me the noise of your songs!

I will not listen to the music of your harps.

But let justice roll on like a river,

and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

To quote McKay Coppins

“Moments earlier, he had stood in the Rose Garden and threatened to unleash the military on unruly protesters. He used terms such as anarchy and domestic terror, and vowed to “dominate the streets.” To clear the way for his planned post-speech trip to St. John’s Church, police fired tear gas and rubber bullets into a crowd of peaceful demonstrators.”

Coppins also points out

“He wielded the Bible like a foreign object, awkwardly adjusting his grip as though trying to get comfortable. He examined its cover. He held it up over his right shoulder like a crossing guard presenting a stop sign. He did not open it.”

“He didn’t open the Bible he was brandishing for the cameras, because he had no use for its text. He didn’t go inside the church he was using as a backdrop, because he had no interest in a sermon.”

“To Trump, the Bible and the church are not symbols of faith; they are weapons of culture war. And to many of his Christian supporters watching at home, the pandering wasn’t an act of inauthenticity; it was a sign of allegiance—and shared dominance.”

Trump is not the problem, I am not for or against Him. He is insignificant. Our “war” is not with people but with ourselves and with unseen forces of evil. He is the symptom of a larger problem. We should be careful not to make this into a conversation about one man. It’s much larger than that. It seems to me this is the age old story of the human heart seeking to inflict violence. Both sides are guilty of violence in these recent riots. I’m not saying that the looting and violence is okay. I’m calling out the Christians who seem to be sanctioning structures of violence.  Unfortunately a large part of right wing believers are falling prey to the idea that their violence is okay because it’s being done by people with state sanctioned power. And in the same way some feel that violence is okay when done for a good cause during a riot. The myth of redemptive violence was laid to rest when Christ rose from the dead. Let’s not align themselves with those who have a clear affinity for dominance or turn a blind eye to the voices of the oppressed. My hope is that we can do better. This is not a time to choose political sides, this is a time to live out the gospel.  Holy scripture is not a prop for those in power.  Let Justice roll on like a river.

-Danny Brewer

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Do I need to have perfect theology before I come before God in worship? If we must ascend the hill of intellectual legitimacy first-we're all doomed. You may hear a person singing with hands raised and shouting to God in emotional exuberance. You may hear an elderly person turning the pages of a hymnal with wrinkly fingers. You may hear a rock and roll type of concert with fog and lights and big screens. Perhaps we pick apart someone else’s understanding of Christ and decide that they are fundamentally different from us. Please recall that the “experts” crucified Christ. When we criticize and police the theology of others  ( or the style of worship that resonates with them ) it often leaves us open to a much more sinister inner posture, that of being a know it all. When did God give us the badge of the theology police? The theology police were the ones who LITERALLY crucified God. So please be careful before you cast stones. You may be stoning Christ Himself. Matthew 25:36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.

I am convicted as I write this knowing that I too am imperfect and my thinking of God is incredibly flawed. The only person who had perfect theology was Christ himself. I have criticized others for not being like me. I’ve been haughty, prideful and judgmental. I am not preaching to anyone, I’m merely confessing that I am no different than you.

I know Christ was speaking to me when he said the following in Matthew 23,  

2 The Pharisees and the teachers of the Law are experts in the Law of Moses. 3 So obey everything they teach you, but don’t do as they do. After all, they say one thing and do something else. 4 They pile heavy burdens on people’s shoulders and won’t lift a finger to help. 5 Everything they do is just to show off in front of others. They even make a big show of wearing Scripture verses on their foreheads and arms, and they wear big tassels[a] for everyone to see. 6 They love the best seats at banquets and the front seats in the meeting places. 7 And when they are in the market, they like to have people greet them as their teachers. 8 But none of you should be called a teacher. You have only one teacher, and all of you are like brothers and sisters.

We have only one teacher, we are all brother and sisters. Let’s act like a family and love one another.

[tcencounter]

Let us be careful not to allow selfish ambitions ( Philippians 2:3-4 ) to fill up space in our hearts. God comes and gives us room in our hearts for his Holy Spirit as we seek Him. Through His work in us we find deep spaciousness and gratitude in our inner life. If we are not vigilant, we can quickly fill up with future wants - the new house - the new job - the new spouse - the next thing. Perhaps we are more interested in outer blessings than in the inner transformation of our hearts. We get frantic, rushed, anxious. This can breed discontentment and a mind filled with harsh voices. But Christ can teach us a new way to speak to ourselves altogether. ( Psalm 103 )

As God brings us to His peace through His divine contentment we could be tempted to let our minds wonder to the past as well. We all have painful memories and things we would rather forget. Often we will ruminate on these things and punish ourselves again and again for mistakes. Maybe these failures can even become an identity for some. Our woundedness and melancholy takes such a hold, we can’t imagine ourselves without them. One might seek self medicating behaviors.  Scripture call these habits strongholds. ( 2 Corinthians 10:4-6 )  But because of the transforming power of the Holy Spirit we can hope in the Great Healer as He comes to transform us!

Prayer: All my hunger and thirst overcome me. I have a desperate and hungry heart that nothing in this world can fill. I’ve gone so many places to find a drink. I recall the deep emptiness of always being let down but there is no ambition greater that this deep call to know you God.  All paths will eventually lead to dead ends unless you light my feet by your presence. You are my Good Father.  Please take my wretchedness and sprout new life in me!  I’m ripe with such a desire for change. I don’t want you to make me successful or prosperous unless You go with me.  I only want to be with you. My heart crys out for you every day.  No outward accomplishments can compare to the voice of you God singing over me. I am content in you alone Lord. Amen. 

[tcencounter]

There is a quiet joy in being without ambition. I often try my best at it, but I usually end up thinking it to be impossible. Isn’t the hope of abandoning ambition just another form of ambition? I hear stories of wonderful saints and great thinkers who set aside accumulation, accolades, and comforts to live lives of humble service to God and their community. It’s so counterintuitive to our culture today, especially in the west where some evangelicals espouse a soul crushing prosperity gospel. I think of Thérèse of Lisieuxa, a Carmelite nun called the “Little Flower,” who lived a cloistered life of obscurity in the convent of Lisieux, France. “Jesus does not demand great deeds,” Thérèse writes, “All he wants is self-surrender and gratitude.” For Th��rèse, this meant humbly going about her chores and tasks with joy. It meant showing love for each person she encountered. It was her quiet attitude of humility toward others that made her life extraordinary. Thérèse Martin entered the convent at the age of 15 and died in 1897 at the age of 24. Her legacy seems almost glamorous now as we celebrate her poverty and simplicity. Even now minimalism is in vogue. But how do we truly strip away our desires to impress and to be special and different? I’ve been crashing myself against this question for some time now.

Perhaps some ambitions are healthy. Could they be a sign of vitality and passion? As a husband and father I quietly drown in the mundane. The grind of the day to day. I struggle to keep myself positive, active, focused and disciplined. Young families are a sort of monastery in and of themselves. A place to die from a thousand paper-cuts. Though the kids and the demands of the home are constantly taxing to me I, can still choose to embrace this as the fire that God uses to purify me unto His service. I guess the idea is that my goals could become inward ambitions of character, asceticism, and prayer. To do less and to love more. To quietly create more space. To truly value the life we have been given instead of always dreaming of greener pastures.

I have developed a sort of “practice” over the past few years, by practice I mean the daily spiritual custom, or devote habit we commit to in an effort to commune with God. I lack the discipline to see it through fully. My practice is a daily returning to prayer, simplicity, poverty, silence, scripture, contemplation, self care, journaling and quietly loving my family. At it’s best It’s plain, drab, humble, curious, simple and without glitter or circumstance. For me it is the quest of finding peace without ambition. Is this even possible? I have found the propensity to push myself in different seasons. I sprint for a few months in excitement and inspiration as I undertake some creative endeavor- be it building our tiny house, recording a record, or starting a new job. I don’t think this to be immoral but merely unsustainable. In the times between my sprints of grandiose projects I will often list my accomplishments. I list them perhaps to prop up my sense of self worth. But I feel as I grow older that these limits I test myself against and the accomplishments I collect are less than What I am called to. God takes me on a journey to death. Will I give in and learn to love the dying or will I kick and scream and resist? Will I dream of the praise and respect of my peers and miss out on the quiet unspoken exhilaration of union with Christ as He stoops to wash the feet of Judas?