tea-and-smokes-ed

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

Ok pushed myself way too far I was almost passing out on the way home and after a few hours I can't eat toast toast tf

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

I did strength training yesterday today was cardio

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

Going inpatient

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Can my bipolar mood swings not be triggered rn.

Like suicidal thoughts, hating the crap out of myself, loneliness, feeling like wrong.

I'm also overstimulated, and everyone including my fiance just not talking to me unless that want to talk about them or my roommate. I just want someone to actually acknowledge me and my hobbies because I can't. Like ik that's sad but I've never had that.

The thoughts started like an hour ago after I was so happy and motivated.

I hate this so much can't I just be fucking normal

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

I took alot of hydroxyzine las night like well over 300 mg. The oy probably is I keep falling back to sleep.

Welp if I proved my theory

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

Gonna have a mental breakdown in class

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

I seriously can't anymore. My best friend since 5th grade probably killed himself I can't fucking get ahold. He said he wanted to then he didn't message me back for over a week. I just wanna die and stop feeling like this and not have to deal with anything anymore.

I'm ALWAYS getting people to not kill themselves yet I can't help anymore. I'm not good for anything anymore.

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

Fucking numb and been sick off and on, it might just be the strain I'm smoking tbh 🥴😅

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I wanna purge, I ate 600 cals when I've been staying under 300 for a week and a half. Why did I do this to myself? I was seeing really good progress God.

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

I'm eating 434 cals rn 😭 fuck

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

Look at the fucking progress I've made in just a few weeks 🥴

(My photo)

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I ate 200 cals already today 😭😭 and had a breakdown. But I'm just gonna numb it out for now because I don't wanna be a burden. Tomorrow I'm gonna be so numb. Good I deserve it. I deserve to be a mindless zombie because that's all I am anyway.

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

The fact that I can still fit in my chest binder from when I was 220lbs (66.2 lbs ago) is just fucking transphobic. I mean yeah it's not tight anymore but I wanted to have to go down a size😅

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

I've definitely eaten under 300 cals every day these past 2 weeks. And I can't help but love the way it makes me feel even though I feel like shit.

[tea-and-smokes-ed]

Ha, not even my own parents loved me...