team-lore

[team-lore]

Cullen men being simps

Inspired entirely by this post. The tweets are golden, and I thank you for your service in collecting them @jennifercheckwannabeme

[team-lore]

i love that the fill-in-the-blank part of Edward & Bella's honeymoon is implied to be this magical, transcendent experience despite it being a logistical nightmare

they've been traveling a minimum 24 hours with multiple stops & timezone changes. what's the next move? sleep? food? absolutely not. "let's take a midnight swim." how many braincells went into that decision? ya girl been crunched like a sardine in a plane & a boat for a billion years, & you can't give her the courtesy of a pre-sex stretch??? no pre-sex dinner??? you expect her to fuck on airline pretzels & a thimble of water??? asinine. but buckle up bc shit gets crazier

she's like "ok time to freshen up," & SHAVES HER LEGS (possibly her PUSSY??? god forbid. but it is 2006...) FOR THE 2ND TIME IN TWO DAYS. huh???? you are creating tiny cuts & opening your pores RIGHT BEFORE TAKING A DIP IN THE OCEAN. GIRL. OW. & let's hope you aren't one of the 50-80% of teens out there with keratosis pilaris bc you are about to WRECK THAT SKIN

Edward stans dni with the watsonian explanation bc I KNOW, he's taking A Dip so he can warm up & he a SCAIRT VIRGIN. READ. SIGNED. NOTARIZED. but what's next? where you gonna have sex Edward? the ocean? water washes away natural lube & creates SO much friction girl you are on the pain train to Yikesville population YOU and a STAPH INFECTION

so where to fuck? girlies may think, "sex on the beach. SO romantic." NO!!!!!!!!!!!! sand in the vag??? sand in ur BUTT??? horrible. not to mention y'all smell like fish & salt. fishy salty stank w/ your sandy ass balls slapping that freshly shaven salty-ass dried-ass puss?? bad. i rest my case yur honor

& you can't go right from ocean to bed since you make the sheets wet & fishy. which means after Dip they shower. BUT LOOK OUT: your klutzy wife could be one of 21.8 million people who sustains a nonfatal shower sex injury in a calendar year. & you STILL got water washing away Bella's arousal. you can't even finger her. so what? more foreplay? "ooh girl lemme run this sponge over you" BIG DEAL. you already did this sans sponge in the fucking ocean. she just gonna feel your abs again? NO. she gonna give you a handjob? BAD FRICTION, SEE ABOVE. & LOOK OUT, PART 2: by this point Bella is getting pruny & ALSO her skin is gonna dry out not only bc she shaved & took A Salty Dip but now she's got hot water all over her fuckin beef jerky-ass legs. where's the shea butter???? did you pack that Edward???? are you planning on moisturizing her??? bc if not she is in HELL.

time check: it's been like an hour since you got there after a day-long flight with NO nap & NO eat & you're just NOW getting to bed. it's like 1am??? & you haven't even fucked around enough to find out??? foul. since you can't even kiss w/ tongue, oral is probs off the table. ditto for Bella since Edward can literally punch a hole thru the back of her throat with his cock. so foreplay is fingering, mutual masturbation, & Smoldering Gazes ONLY. good news: Doctor Cullen Jr. knows she's gotta come before she's ready to Fuck, so that's a solid win. but lord knows ya gotta PIV or it ain't real (sighs in gay)

lbr: feminist icon Bella Swan tops. like YES i know Edward "Catholic Victorian Boy" "2008 male lead" "Great-Value James Bond" Cullen should be Thee Top doing Daddy Dom Missionary, but also, ima need Edward girlies to get a fucking grip & realize he is not capable of meeting the moment. sorry. no way Edward trusts himself enough to be the Missionary Man of your dreams. by contrast, Bella "Certified Monster Fucker" "We've Been Dating for 3 Hours When Can We Fuck" "There's a War Going On but We Should Fuck in This Tent" Swan is absolutely impaling herself on that vamp cock. & she is riding it out til the end my friends. service bottom Edward is gripping the sheets for dear life hoping his dick doesn't tear a hole through her & prolapse her fuckin critical organs. & THAT is what we call a honeymoon

[team-lore]

are you even a real twihard if you haven’t had sex to every twilight movie?

[team-lore]

headcanon: the boring perfect self control vampire bella thinks she has is a LIE and at one point she caught human scent mid-hunt and snapped. it made her so wild she had to be restrained to the point where things got ugly

i know edward would never dare to do it and meyer would never dare write it and in canon newborn vamp bella would be far stronger than him...

actually. you know who would be stronger than one young vampire? two old vampires. and who would act practical in a critical situation? emmett

imagine edward and bella heading out for a hunt and emmett being like "do you guys mind if i tag along? i feel like snacking". bella's a little mad at the prospect of suddenly having a third wheel (homegirl wasn't planning on just. hunting) but alice gets a weird hunch and goes "no, no, em should go with you" ok nostradamus. he's going.

fast forward they're in the mountain. bella finds having emmett third-wheeling is not half bad. in emmett's head, lowkey it's bella who's the third wheel after so many decades of him hunting together with edward. but nevertheless, it's so fun with her around. all is good until they catch the scent of an entire group of friends hiking just a couple of miles from here, away from all civilization. emmett and edward stop in their tracks, ready to turn around. bella, her guard down, loses it and stars running towards the group, so they have no choice but to charge at her. while strugging to keep her in place, they try to talk her down but she doesn't listen. she doesn't care, she's strong enough to fight them off, and she fights and claws and hisses and breaks bones of whoever gets in her way because there are so many pulses just a few minutes' run away from her and their scent is so sweet and burning and calling, calling, calling to her

while struggling to restrain her, emmett grunts "we have to disarm her". edward catches the image in his head and shouts "no! you can't literally disarm bella!". well, how the hell do you expect us to stop her from massacring all those hikers? we'll just put her back together afterwards. duh!, emmett thinks, and knows he has to act fast so he goes in while bella's busy yanking away from edward's grip and tears off a limb. or two. all 3 of them may or may not be screaming.

a few moments later edward's pinning bella to the ground, holding her face between his palms, forcing her to look at him. her thrashing is not so effective with limited body parts. part of him wants to yell at emmett but that's kind of low priority. he's holding on to the last of his composure while he looks down at bella's feral expression and chants 'baby. i'm so sorry but i'll give you your leg back after you calm down a bit. i won't be able to outrun you if you go chasing after those people now. please calm down. i love you. hold your breath'

just then she listens, stops breathing and her vision refocuses. for the first time she realizes she was on her way to slaughter a bunch of strangers and she broke the arm of the man she loves at least three times when he tried to stop her. she wants to open her mouth and apologize but that will require her to breathe and possibly go crazy with thirst again. so she stares back at edward's panicked eyes and nods at him, her own red eyes just as full of terror.

then she looks over his shoulder and sees emmett waving her severed leg in the air like it's a baseball bat. "hey, did you know that rose wears the same shoe size?"

[team-lore]

Genuinely, I don't think we talk enough about the Cheeseburger of Pain.

"Riley and the cheeseburger of pain," is an actual line in Bree Tanner but it sounds like a children's book aimed at fourth grade boys who don't like to read. Like poor Riley is lactose intolerant and there are a lot of fart jokes and little cartoons drawn among the text.

But then you read the passage that includes the line and it gets real dark real fast. It's pretty clear that Bree thinks Riley will expect sexual favors in return for the burger he's offering her.

“Hah!” I laughed. “That’s way better than mine. All I got was, ‘Want a burger, kid?’” I still remembered how Riley’d looked that night, though the image was all blurry because my eyes’d sucked back then. He was the hottest boy I’d ever seen, tall and blond and perfect, every feature. I knew his eyes must be just as beautiful behind the dark sunglasses he never took off. And his voice was so gentle, so kind. I figured I knew what he would want in exchange for the meal, and I would have given it to him, too. Not because he was so pretty to look at, but because I hadn’t eaten anything but trash for two weeks. It turned out he wanted something else, though

I googled 'cheeseburger of pain' to see if people were talking about this and found a reddit thread where someone was trying to understand what the hell it was supposed to mean and I'm like, it's three days of agonizing pain to turn into a Twilight vampire, and Riley lured Bree to vampirism with the promise of a cheeseburger. 1 cheeseburger = 3 days of pain. That's it.

[team-lore]

Guys there’s a Volturi inspired band that’s quite successful and really, really good - I’m not even kidding. You’ve got to check out Volturian. They describe themselves on their instagram as an “Italian vampire metal band” and their band pics are parallel to New Moon & Breaking Dawn photo shoots. The music is brilliant and you’ll like it even if you don’t like metal

Check out the aesthetics of this music video:

Volturian - The Killing Joke

[team-lore]

[team-lore]

Vaguely Threatening Twilight Cards Part II

[team-lore]

Do you think police/ FBI have ever been close to tracking a missing persons case to Volterra?

Relevant post.

It depends entirely on how much care Heidi takes to cover her tracks. The Guide says her victims don't know where they're going, so we know they can't give anyone any indication of where they went, and Heidi uses private means of transportation so the flight records are bound to be forged (as you don't write the names of all the people you're taking to be murdered down on the passenger list).

To backtrack a bit, we'll do case studies.

John Doe wins a competition

John Doe won a competition, and delightedly told his sister he'd be going for an all included vacation in Alsace for two weeks. When she asked what sort of competition this had been, if this could really be legit, he assured her he'd spoken to a lady about it and she seemed completely reliable, this was all very above board.

He leaves for the airport, and she never hears from him again. Not a phone call, no post cards, and when she tries to get in touch with him there's nothing.

At first she thinks he probably just forgot to call her, or else he's having phone trouble. Europe is far away, after all. Jane decides not to worry about it.

Then the two weeks are up, and John doesn't return.

At this point, Jane goes to the police and tells them her brother is missing. You see, he won a competition and went to France, and that's the last anyone has seen of him.

The police look into his credit card records, no withdrawals have been made. No calls from his phone, no logins at any of his accounts. They go to his house, and (provided Jane can provide a list of items she knew he owned. If not, they might not realize anything is gone at all) find he packed some of his clothes and the suitcase is gone. Everything else is there, though, electronics, family heirlooms, photographs, memorabilia, and so on.

They check the flight records, and find John Doe never caught a flight, not to Francen or to anywhere else. (And if Heidi is very diligent, she tells people to commute to the airport so the police won't wonder why John Doe bothered to drive to the airport (or the dock, or wherever. The woman does have a yacht) and abandoned his car there when he wasn't getting on a flight. Better, and more suggestive, to leave it at home.

... As it is, given that she's using a private jet, Heidi just needs a landing strip. John Doe never went to the airport at all, and the police never find his car.)

John Doe is ruled a suicide, and it's assumed he lied to spare his sister's feelings. The case is closed.

Jane Doe gets a job offer

Two days after his girlfriend Jane went to her exciting job opportunity in Cairo, John can't take her radio silence any longer. He goes to the police, and explains to them how his girlfriend received a job offer out of the blue, she'd never applied to it but it paid really well, would be great for her career, and she couldn't really afford to say no. So, she left to at the very least do the job interview. The company was paying her travel bills, and worst case scenario, she doesn't take the job and spends a weekend in Cairo on the company's expense. There are worse fates.

John hadn't been thrilled about it, but the woman who'd approached Jane had apparently been very proper, very put together and professional, so he trusted Jane's judgement.

Well, it's been two days now, and Jane isn't answering any of her calls.

The police look into this, and I think Heidi might just let there be flight records for this one. Jane did get to Cairo (and was taken to Volterra from there).

And no one has heard from her since.

The police start sweating, and alert Interpol that there's a young woman lured to an airport in a foreign country by someone willing to pay for her plane ticket.

Jane is never found, and it is assumed she's been trafficked.

In conclusion

"What was the point of these case studies, Vinelle" you may ask, and it's that people will always search for the easiest explanation available.

Depending on what information Heidi leaves people with (did person A get to the airport, did person B actually leave the country, did person C get asked to keep their job interview a secret and just slip out for a weekend), it'll either seem obvious what happened to a person, or it'll be a mystery where the police can't quite figure out what happened.

If the police think they know what happened, no further investigation is held. It's only if it's the latter, if the pieces of the puzzle don't quite satisfy them, that they decide to look closer. Going from there, if they don't realize the missing person was taken out of the country they never track them to Volterra. If they do, then you're looking at the case being transferred to Interpol who have already have a metric ton of missing people to track down.

More worryingly, some time may have passed from our missing person being taken to Volterra to Interpol starting their search. First, someone had to report them missing. Could have happened immediately after, but given the thing all of Heidi's victims have in common is that they're leaving their homes voluntarily, the people around them will need a day or two, if not weeks, before reporting them missing.

Then you have the local/domestic police investigation, which could take anything from days to months (I don't know how police process their cases), until finally the case is transferred to Interpol.

In the best case scenario, John Doe was reported missing right away and the police immediately realized this was a case for Interpol. Interpol is on the ball and on the look after only a few days.

They are, however, going to search in whichever part of the world John Doe went missing in. John Doe said he was going trekking in Machu Picchu, that means they're searching in Peru, not in Italy.

Assuming that John Doe was going to Europe, though, Interpol's one chance at getting any intel on what happened to him is if anybody who saw him sees that he's missing. Which I'll caveat is... not likely, considering Heidi likely shuttles her victims straight to the Volturi palace. John Doe doesn't get the chance to chat with the locals or do any shopping (god forbid, that way his bank records show he was in Tuscany), anybody seeing him would have to spot him passing him and then remember his face well enough to feel confident it's the guy they saw when they see his missing person poster. That in turn makes any identifications of John Doe unreliable in the eyes of Interpol, and they conclude it's a false tip.

Tracking a missing person's case to Volterra would require a lot of contrived circumstances, bad luck, and oversight on Heidi's part. I don't think it's impossible, nothing ever is, but I think it's highly unlikely to happen.

[team-lore]

She’s a 4 but you can’t hear her thoughts and she wears a long khaki skirt

[team-lore]

Totally contained, though the tracker fought and squirmed and thrashed to avoid Emmett’s crushing arms. There was no chance any of this struggle could have helped him, and Emmett was already breaking him when Jasper lunged into the blood-drenched room.

Jasper, mangled and ferocious, eyes sharp and empty at the same time, looking like some forgotten god or incarnation of war, projecting an aura of pure violence.

And the tracker had stopped trying. In that fraction of a second when he saw Jasper (for the first time, but Emmett didn’t know that), he’d surrendered to his fate. No matter that his fate was sealed once Emmett had gotten his hands on him, this was what demoralized him.

It was driving Emmett crazy.

-Edward, Midnight Sun Chapter 27

[team-lore]

😈🧠Jasper

From this ask

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers?

All the time constantly, though I think brutally murdering Mike Newton and then defaming his memory was a particular high point. 

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. 

Deep down Jasper is an absolute critical bitch when it comes to military strategy and history, and the only person who shares this fixation is Maria. Jasper and Maria have a long-running IRC channel where they send each other catty dissertations critiquing the operational approach of whatever war the US is currently embroiled in. 

Alice knows this is happening (because she pays Jasper's internet bill) and lets it slide because she finds anything military-related unspeakably boring.

[team-lore]

Twilight vs. Life and Death #20

🍏Life and Death🍏

There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie, but I'd had to share with my mom before, and that was definitely worse. She had a lot more stuff, and she doggedly resisted all my attempts to organize any of it.

🍎Twilight🍎

There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.

This one is crazy to me. When I got to this part I was all ready to slap a Beau is a Boy label on it and call it good. But then I compared them and like... Bella is really vague on why she's not looking forward to sharing a bathroom with Charlie--I assume it's because it's awkward, as a teenage girl, to share a bathroom with your father. I get that. But then we look at Beau. Of course sharing a bathroom with Charlie isn't going to be awkward at all for him, but my point of comparison here is not the issue of sharing with Charlie, but if sharing a bathroom with your parent of the opposite sex. Bella, if I'm correct, finds sharing a bathroom with her dad to be awkward. Beau on the other hand, talks about sharing a bathroom with Renee and he, a boy, didn't like sharing with Renee, but not because it's awkward sharing with your mom, but because he's super organized and Renée is not. That was his big issue. So while I usually find it follows that a change is made because Bella is a Girl and Beau is a Boy-- that is not the case here. Bella's reason is because she is a girl, but Beau's is based on his Personality Differences.

[team-lore]

This is probably a stupid question since I have no idea how string instruments work and if this would affect them but, given how hard vampires are (if we are to believe Bella isn't exaggerating and they are as hard as stone) does this mean they can't play the violin and other string instruments?

anon i have never touched a string instrument in my life. love the spirit of inquisition but i simply have no idea. do string instruments require a certain level of give in the fingers of their musicians? haven't the faintest.

any musicians want to give this one a go?

[team-lore]

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/therealvinelle/692967241218719744?source=share

I must know, monolingual fool that I am, what this says in English.

Here you go:

TRANSLATION

You do know that I'm going to have to translate this post as well, and it'll be terrible. Last time I spent an hour translating the original post!

But oh well.

For those who don't remember the original Norwegian Bella-post, Bella is Norwegian and hasn't learned English before moving to live with her father in Forks. It's so embarrassing, she refuses to admit this weakness to anybody.

In this AU she decides to just tear the bandaid off, if she doesn't admit to not speaking English she risks her well-intentioned father leaking it instead.

She is as exciting as she could possibly be. Imagine, a true European has come to little Forks! People have a great many questions for her, but the difference from other timelines is that these questions are accompanied by heavy gesturing og repeated slowly, in the hopes that Bella will understand questions posed in a foreign language if the questions are posed more slowly.

"How much English do you know? ENG-LISH, HOW MUCH" is a frequently occurring one.

Mike fights his way through an English-Norwegian dictionary so he can ask Bella if it's true that all Norwegian women are blonde and tall, or if that's just Hollywood.

Tyler asks her questions in Spanish.

Edward, who has met his singer, does not care what language she speaks. He flees to Denali.

A week later he's back, and Bella, who is being followed everywhere by her self-declared English tutor, one Mike Newton, reacts as she did in canon. She finds Edward's return uncomfortable.

Edward, who was so set on talking to her and preparing for that, had forgotten that she doesn't speak English.

"Hi," he says.

"Heisann," Bella answers, the most demonstratively Norwegian greeting she can throw at him.

Edward stares at her in bafflement and only realizes then that the girl doesn't speak English.

And Norwegian happens to be one of the languages Edward doesn't speak.

He knows over a dozen languages, many of them closely related to Norwegian, but Norwegian is just one of those languages that was always on the agenda. He had vague plans of learning the nordic language next time he was travelling around, but he hadn't actually gotten that far.

And now he's standing there, with Bella Swan who has her English name and English-speaking family, born in America, and who doesn't speak a word of English.

"Parlez-vous français ?" he tries after a moment.

Bella has actually taken French as a foreign language in middle school and high school, but she's terrible at it.

"Pas beaucoup," she mumbles, and blushes.

Edward lights up. "On peut parler, donc ?"

Mike turns around to stare at them, eyes bright with curiosity.

And Bella realizes that if she lets Edward know she speaks some French, then half the school will know through Mike before lunchtime.

And then Bella will be stuck having to navigate her way through conversations in atrocious French, where the people she's talking to will supplement their French with English every time they don't know the words.

No thanks, better to be a blissfully languageless foreigner.

"Jeg snakker ikke fransk," (I don't speak French,) she quickly tells Edward, before moving her chair as far from his as possible.

Edward is fascinated.

The day after the truck accident happens, and she ends up at the hospital.

Carlisle walks into the ER. "Jeg hører rykter om at vi har en norsktalende ung dame her inne i dag," (Rumor has it we have a Norwegian girl in today) he says, and offers Bella a winning smile.

"Ja!" (Yes!) she exclaims, happy and surprised. "Snakker du norsk?" (You speak Norwegian?)

Carlisle, who hasn't been to Norway in many years, is surprised the girl is using informal pronouns with him, but figures that kids these days are less formal.*

*Prior to the 1970's, the Norwegian language rigorously enforced the T-V distinction.

Carlisle offers up an easy (and prepared) answer for why he knows Norwegian. "Ja, jeg tilbragte somrene mine på Tjøme som barn." (Yes, I spent my summers at Tjøme as a child.)

"Åja," (Oh) Bella answers.

Bella is so thrilled to finally have someone she can converse with properly that she forgets to tell Carlisle about Edward's impossible rescue.

After the examination the Cullens have their infamous meeting, which ends with Alice informing them that Edward loves Bella.

"How can he love her?" Rosalie demands. "They don't understand a word of what the other is saying!"

Edward must concede Rosalie is right.

How can he love a girl he's never had a conversation with?

He visits Bella that night, and to his shock he finds Alice is right.

He can't explain why, but he looks at this girl where she sleeps, ever so vulnerable, with blood heavenly to the point where he can only imagine God created her for his sake, and he feels himself change. He is devoted to this girl, and he will never be able to live without her.

He loves her.

Edward runs home to Carlisle, and asks him to teach Edward Norwegian. They spend the night on Edward learning glossaries and simple sentences, and when Edward shows up at school again he brings Ibsen's En Folkefiende (Enemy of the People) (Carlisle's recommendation). He also reads a Norwegian dictionary, and memorizes all the words in it.

The day goes by uneventfully. Bella can't confront Edward with how he rescued her when they don't speak the same language, even if she could ask him she wouldn't understand his answer. She's wondering if she could get in touch with his father again, as Dr. Cullen actually does speak Norwegian. Maybe she could drop by with flowers as a thank-you for the treatment, and ask to talk for a few moments while she's there?

But, a young girl presenting a married man with flowers and wanting to talk to him privately will get awkward, especially when the man in question looks the way Carlisle does. People would draw conclusions.

Bella ponders her conundrum.

Edward, in the meantime, has learned enough Norwegian from the dictionary, from Ibsen, and from Carlisle that he can understand some Norwegian. He glows brightly with confidence.

"God morgen," (Good morning) he says to Bella in Biology, in fluent Norwegian.

Bella stares. "Snakker du norsk?!" (You talk Norwegian?!) she blurts.

"Noe," (Some) Edward smiles.

"Hvorfor sa du ikke noe?" (Why didn't you say anything?) Bella demands, both surprised and pleased. "Hallo, jeg har jo ikke hatt noen å snakke med!" (I haven't had anybody to talk to!)

That she spoke fast wasn't a problem by itself, but that Bella pulled "har jo ikke" into one word, "ha-jo'kke" and "du ikke" also become one word, "du'kke", makes Edward smile stiffen for a second as he decodes what she just said.

"Jeg lærer," (I'm learning,) he says, and doesn't dare say more.

"Men du har jo nydelig uttale! Like god som faren din," (But you have beautiful pronunciation! As good as your father,) Bella says, still very happy, and oblivious to the fact that Edward's pronunciation is so similar to Carlisle's because he copied it, phoneme by phoneme.

Edward just smiles as he concentrates on combining the sounds Bella is making with the phonetic spellings of Norwegian words he picked up from the dictionary.

He's quiet for a few seconds before answering.

"Takk." (Thanks.)

Bella wonders how much Norwegian he really speaks, but he continues before she can ask.

"Carlisle er en god lærer," (Carlisle is a good teacher.) he says.

Bella is really impressed by the Norwegian he has shown so far.

And realizes that she can now confront him with the incident the day before, when he saved her from being hit by a car.

So she asks about it.

Edward stares. Han hadn't realized she'd have noticed what he did during the accident, certainly not so much of it.

"Jeg er ikke veldig god i norsk," (I'm not very good at Norwegian) he quickly says, and the rest of Biology class is spent with him answering solely in English or overly broken Norwegian each time she makes an overture.

Bella's now more suspicious than ever.

The next day Edward seeks her out, and he tells her in Norwegian that's markedly better than it was the day before that she hit her head, she doesn't remember correctly. That's that.

Bella asks if he was always this good at Norwegian.

"Carlisle er en god lærer," (Carlisle is a good teacher.) he says.

Bella goes to La Push, where she doesn't know Jacob as they didn't grow up together, and she never hears any legends.

Port Angeles happens as in canon, just because she doesn't speak Norwegian doesn't mean Jessica wants to exclude her. Bella can still point to dresses and offer her Scandinavian perspective on fashion. The difference from canon is that when Edward rescues her she has no vampire theories to present him with.

Bella suspects a robot.

Edward is obviously not human, he has super strength, looks a little too perfect, his skin is stone hard. If he's a robot it would explain his language skills, she knows he didn't speak Norwegian that first week. The language must have been uploaded to him and the delay was because the package wasn't operative right away.

The Cullens are most likely a military project, where they've placed highly sophisticated robots in a society to test how well they can blend in among humans. It certainly makes more sense than "mad scientist lost control of his robot army".

She confronts Edward with this theory.

Edward... supposes he's glad she doesn't know he's a vampire. He's a bit disappointed, but... isn't this a good way to protect her?

If Bella knows he's not human, and that she must keep this a secret, but she doesn't know the darker side of things, is that not the best of two worlds?

So he tells her he's never out in the sun because of the material his skin is made of. He'll show her what he means.

(He needs to buy himself some time to come up with a good explanation for his new robot self that is as close to the truth as possible without Bella finding out he drinks blood.)

They meet up in the meadow, and he lights up like in canon. He tells her this is because he charges in the sun, it was either this or sun panels on his back and those would have been too conspicuous. The sparkle means he's charging.

Because he doesn't want her thinking Edward Cullen is just bytes and electrical circuits, he tells her that he was once a human just like her, but the seventeen-year-old he was become terminally ill, and his parents agreed to a science project that would give his consciousness a chance to live on. Due to security concerns he never saw them again after that, the point is he and all his family were once human.

(Neither of them realizes that this is all strongly inspired by the plot of Robocop.

It helps that they never watched Robocop.)

Bella doesn't doubt it.

When they meet James, Bella doesn't catch any of what the robots are saying in English, but she's fascinated by what appears to be rogue robots who walk around without any purpose or missions.

Edward explains to her that some robots break free and become rogues. These robots are very dangerous and must be destroyed at all cost. He goes on to explain to Bella that the robots they encountered now intend to kill her because... well, robots can be very dangerous, and these ones are clearly mad.

The rest of the family (who also learned Norwegian. Rosalie wouldn't have, just to spite Edward, but the unfortunate fact is that she learned it in the 80's so she's stuck) just stares.

(No one points out that this is all strongly inspired by the plot of Blade Runner.

Blade Runner for the record being another film Edward hasn't seen.)

Canon carries on more or less, with increasingly colorful explanations from Edward. James' bite burned the way it did because of battery acid, and Jasper attacked her because he's programmed to kill humans that are bleeding (it's a military thing. Don't ask, Bella).

The rest of the family doesn't quite know what to make of all this, but no one wants to walk up to a human girl and tell her vampires are real, so no one says anything.

Bella, in the meantime, nourishes a hope that she might become part of this military project. She understand that this would be difficult, but she has a brain, she's patriot enough, and she wants to be part of the Cullen family so badly.

Edward explains to her that this will take years to get approved, and they only take the terminally ill anyway. It's unlikely she ever gets approved, and even then she'll be well over thirty by the time it happens, by which time technology will have changed so she's a different model than Edward. Life is rough like that.

Jasper's attack on her is a shock to Edward, who realizes that he's living a lie with a girl who doesn't have a future with him anyway.

He tells her that their romance was a training mission for him. Could he seduce a teen girl and be her lover for half a year? Was he sophisticated enough for that? The answer was yes, so now his task has been completed.

Thank you and good-bye, Bella.

He leaves.

Bella is left there, heartbroken.

She tries to find solace in the fact that the robot she loved passed the Turing Test thanks to her, but that's a meager comfort.

She starts hanging out with Jacob Black, communicating isn't easy for them but he can fix motorcycles, and motorcycles are what Bella wants.

A few months later she jumps from a cliff, and is surprised to find Alice in her house.

Alice sticks to the robot lie, there's no point in vampire truths when the relationship with Edward is over anyway. She stays for two days seeing as she'd missed Bella, and that's when the fateful phone call happens.

Bella and Alice go to Volterra, and Alice can only hope Aro will show Edward some mercy. After all, he didn't tell Bella what he really was.

She tells Bella that the Volturi are like James, but unlike James. They are rogues, but considerably more sophisticated than James was. They're loaded, and... some of them have a virus that make their skin and eyes discolored.)

(Aro, on his end, is... well, impressed by Edward is a nice way to put it. A very nice way.

He wonders if anyone among the Cullens have realized that the word "vampire" doesn't actually matter.)

Bella gets to Edward in time, and the gang is led down into the underground Volturi palace.

(Bella marvels at the obvious age of the palace. How long has the technology for these robots been around? Edward was always vague on that point.)

Aro takes one look at gifted Bella, who's miraculously alive and so very valuable, and immediately tells her the truth. He's a vampire, Edward is a vampire, all the Cullens are vampires, everyone's a vampire. The robot thing was a lie.

Edward is horrified, it's all over now that Bella knows.

Alice can only sigh, Edward should have told the truth from the start.

And Bella stares at Aro, this rogue who obviously has a virus. He looks blind.

Vampires.

Uh huh.

Nice try, fella.

She doesn't buy it.

Aro tries, but soon has to give up on convincing her they're vampires. Edward learned a language in two days, he became fluent, that's not a vampire thing.

Aro still asks Bella if he wants to be one of them.

And Bella just laughs, she knows that process takes years, there's mountains of paperwork to clear. She'd love to be a robot, but let's be realistic here, guys.

And Aro gives up on the truth. He has to play along, or lose his window with Bella.

So he corrects Bella to "cyborg" in a quiet voice, if he's to be a technological miracle he will at the very least be a correctly named technological miracle.

He then tells her that he has the tech required to make her a cyborg. That's why he has so many vampires (sorry, cyborgs) with him. He made them all!

Edward cries out that all of Aro's robots have viruses and their programming is spaghetti code. Bella's gonna have so many bugs and error messages that she never gets anything done.

Edward is escorted out of the room.

Bella is left feeling very dubious, it's not like she wants a virus.

But she does so want to be a robot. Or a cyborg, whatever they're called (Edward never gave her the name of the model).

Aro promises her she won't get any viruses, the only reason why he, Marcus, and Caius have any is that they agreed to a software update that turned out to contain malware. Had they taken a moment to realize update notifications don't usually come as pop-ups on the internet or in Marcus's case in the mail, this sorry business could all have been avoided. Bella needs only learn from their experiences and mind what she downloads, she'll be fine.

Bella says yes.

She gets a terrible shock when Aro's laboratory turns out to be an empty room in which he bites her, and she wakes up three days later with a terrible thirst in her throat.

[team-lore]

So much depends upon aro

Yup, he's Atlas, and he can't shrug.

[team-lore]

"I love you"

Boring, feels empty, nothing special

"Let's watch Twilight together"

Sounds like you have a taste, original and sweet