teanshan

[teanshan]

Moss on Instagram

[teanshan]

Moss on Instagram

[teanshan]

Original Art by @rorozhu-blog

[teanshan]

Vacation

By Old Xian

[teanshan]

Sulking time ~

I MISSE 19 DAYS SO BAAAADDD

[teanshan]

Put Down the Book

Thank you to @teanshan for this super cute prompt! Read this quick one shot here on Ao3.

Summary:

The bedroom lights were low and warm, throwing a soft glow across the hardwood floor. Outside the large windows, the city far below murmured faintly in the background. Guan Shan was already in bed, one arm propped behind his head and the other holding a paperback angled just right under the bedside lamp. The blanket was pulled up to his chest. He looked settled, comfortable. Relaxed after a long day of exhausting work and a hot shower. He Tian lingered in the doorway for a second, watching him with a soft contentedness. Sometimes he still convinced himself that if he blinked or looked away too fast it all might disappear.

[teanshan]

Halcyon, Chapter 18

Read the latest chapter here on A03

Summary:

In some ways, Guan Shan was Felix’s challenge. Sometimes he wanted to fix him and other times, he wanted to become like him. Just like with the bass, he thought that if he put enough time and effort into their relationship, then that work would be rewarded. Give it enough time and care, and Guan Shan would inevitably come to him, seek him out, and desire him too. However, things had not worked out that way. 

[teanshan]

hhhhhhn not to be a perv but boy do I wish the events in Guan Shan's new bedroom had gone a different route. like they're honest to god making out, just a bit off screen to appease censorship but include 'mmf' and 'kiss' sfx to get it clearly across what's going on. and imagine He Tian getting too handsy, like a shot of his hands slipping into Mo's shorts and grabbing his ass. And Mo pulling away then, saying "ah ah, that wasn't part of the deal" and perhaps he manages to get away or maybe he tian reels him back and pins him down idkkkk

[teanshan]

dd&d chapter 13 animation wip

Its unfinished and I doubt I'll ever find time to work on it, so here have the draft! It also features a deleted moment! I had them try dancing together, but I couldn't make it work in the flow of the chapter. Maybe I'll have them dance in a future chapter~

i just love that without context, it looks like guan shan, alone, moving his body around for the first time lol

[teanshan]

It feels like this every time I write a fic

[teanshan]

Deals, Debts & Death Chapter 13 - The Motel

[teanshan]

new chibis by old先

[teanshan]

"you can't actually be mad" /// "done with your little tantrum?"

an unpsetting parallel / compilation of he tian bellittling mo's very valid feelings 😠

[teanshan]

When it mattered He Tian wasn't a jerk at all and Guan Shan knows this. In this moment it's like he gets those flashbacks of all the times He Tian was nothing but gentle, kind, and supportive. And maybe that's exactly why it hurts so much that He Tian, being all these things that made Guan Shan fall in love with him, could ever leave him like that.

[teanshan]

i am once again releasing myself from the pressure of DDD. I have a checklist of all the things I still have to write for the latest chapter, but then it just hit me - no I don't. finish this last section you've been working on, and end the chapter there. these things dont have to be 10k per chapter. they can be as long or as short as I want.

[teanshan]

MY BRAIN!!! have any of you seen Ever After, the Cinderella retelling with Drew Barrymore? I just thought of tianshan Ever After and now I need to lie down and cry

[teanshan]

chapter 474: how did we get here?

or: a long-winded rambling on how the fight in the current chapter was (unfortunately) bound to happen; the slow, inevitable result of two people loving each other fiercely but failing to meet where it matters most: in honesty, in timing, in vulnerability.

*I’m assuming He Tian had to leave Mo twice (or more). While not explicitly stated in the story, at this point I strongly believe this is what happened.

The first time we see He Tian coming back on Christmas, He Tian forces himself on Guan Shan’s life (well, it’s for only a night, but the point stands). He Tian bother Mo at work (but Mo doesn’t react violently), he invites himself to Mo’s apartment (Mo doesn’t mind giving He Tian a ride on his motorcycle). Yes, Mo is angry, but he’s also incredibly vulnerable and with some gentle prodding and alcohol he admits to He Tian -and to himself- he’s missed He Tian dearly. Mo accepts the “engagement” ring and, I think most importantly, understands that He Tian never actually wanted to part ways with him and all he did during his absence was for the sake of reuniting with Mo.

Hard cut to the future-future timeline, where we find ourselves in a (at first) shockingly similar situation. Tian again forces his presence in Mo’s life, crowding him at work, pretending to be his boyfriend and then breaking into his apartment. You could tell Mo was very vexed with He Tian, but he still cooked for He Tian, was this close to reciprocating/accepting an intimate moment and was okay with waking up beside him.

He does understandibly react badly to He Tian doing renovations to the place he bought with his hard earned money without his consent, but he seems to mellow up just a tiny bit to the idea when they arrive at He Tian’s place.

One thing I find very interesting about this chapter: we are shown Mo to be uncomfortable without him being vocal. There’s a tension in the air we’re not usually privy to, almost as if we’re witnessing the water flowing backwards before the wave hits. We wish they could go back to the brief flashes of domesticity we got in the She Li arc or the ones we didn’t get to see when He Tian first came back.

But in their current state, it’s very difficult. For both of them.

It’s obvious Mo is terrified of He Tian leaving him, but cannot even acknowledge that even in the privacy of his own damn mind because leaving himself open like that incurs a risk of actually dealing with the feelings he’s been running away to protect himself. However, seeing that He Tian comes back acting all non-chalant, as if nothing happened… I think this is what ultimately makes Mo the most uncomfortable. Mo Guan Shan longs for He Tian’s touch; blushes when he’s at the center of He Tian’s attention and feels uneasy when he thinks He Tian has left their shared bed.

Subsconsciously, however, he may have been waiting for He Tian to take the first step; not necessarily a romantic one, but a vulnerable one. What would that have looked like? That’s not to say that Mo hasn’t made it close to impossible for this to happen, by telling He Tian he’d have forgotten him if he hadn’t come back.

I mean in his heart of hearts; the core of his trauma. I am talking about how he felt abandoned by his father after he was arrested in a very traumatic event for the child Mo, and how, as a result of that, had to receive the brunt of a violent system who punishes children of convicts and shuns them into marginalization.

(Violence is present at every level of his formative years: institutional, interpersonal and, sadly, internalized. What good -and I’m saying this from Mo’s POV- would feelings do in this situation, if all people see of him is a delinquent and no other bothers to look beyond that? I could write tens of paragraph about why He Tian, Jian Yi and Zhan Zhengxi are so important to Mo’s breaking from this outlook, but I want to focus on the future timeline).

For how big a wall he builds between himself and He Tian in the adult timeline, I’m sure Mo would have come to terms with whatever He Tian told him, as long as He Tian was being honest.

On the other hand, He Tian, who we know absolutely hates having to leave Mo behind, comes back speaking to Mo very casually. He keeps flirting with him, seeking reactions from him and taking everything because even his anger is a side of Mo he likes and reminds him of the Mo whose memory he must have kept in his heart all the time they spent apart. Better to have Mo “mad” at him, or cursing at him, than nothing.

The only times we see him react with anything but his usual cool is when Mo tells him we would have forgotten him, had he not come back to pester him. That feeling of dejection only lasts so long, though, and he comes back (coughcough breaks into coughcough) to Mo’s apartment.

The other time we see underneath He Tian’s mask is when he finds Mo’s box with trinkets that remind him of He Tian. Mo refuses to talk about his feelings, but this shocks He Tian to the core and practically recontextualizes Mo’s attitude towards him. He already knew that Mo missed him, but wasn’t fully aware of how much hurt he unintentionally caused in Mo after leaving.

A while back I said that He Tian is on damage control mode, and I still strongly believe that. His behavior suggests an attempt to (perhaps excessively) compensate for what he imagines Mo experienced. But he himself makes no effort whatsoever to bridge the gap or offer a reason for his disappearance. True, part of the reason is Mo’s lack of receptiveness. But it’s also rooted in He Tian’s upbringing — in a household where vulnerability was dangerous, and concealment was essential for both self-preservation and protecting those he loved.

This guy cannot be vulnerable for the life of him. Whatever the reason for his departure is, it's clear that it's been weighing down on He Tian for a long time. And even if it's not the reason itself, it's the fact that it stands between him and his goal: living with Mo and giving him the life he deserves.

Now, chapters 472 and 474 are finally this wave I mentioned coming back with a vengeance. He Tian asks Mo to kiss him, but backtracks immediately. This is a first for him. Every time he has teased Mo, he’s done so unapologetically because he adores Mo’s reactions. But maybe because of the uncomfortable silence, He Tian says it was only a joke. This makes things worse; we have been shown time and time that Mo can get mad over things that don’t really bother him in the long run. When something REALLY bothers him, though… that’s another whole story. He doesn’t yell, he stays quiet. Frozen.

To me, Mo for a second takes He Tian’s words seriously, but feels betrayed at the thought that He Tian is playing with his feelings when he takes them back. And why wouldn’t he come to that conclusion, seeing the things He Tian has done in the last chapters?

We, the readers, know He Tian does all this out of a need for things to be back as they were, because he loves the only boy who truly understood him. But their teenage love can’t (and shouldn’t!) stay as it was. They have both changed without the other, and must learn to accept it and move on to truly start over.

I love and hate chapter 474 (this seems to be a trend with the newer chapters lol). On the one hand, it seems like He Tian will finally fucking fess up. However, the way we got there… Well, to say this confrontation reminded me of these two in their “earlier days” would be an understatement.

He Tian provokes Mo with a statement he KNOWS will rattle him. Mo, in a fashion resembling his teenage-self rather than the adult we’ve been seeing, reacts with a level of violence we haven’t even seen in a comedic light for a LONG time now. In fact, it gets so out of hand that He Tian has to resort to using his strength when Mo is about to punch him.

One might theorise that He Tian is giving Mo an outlet to vent his anger, but then… why does he mock him? Why the attitude? Honestly, I’m not too sure. Maybe it’s finally sinking in that he has no choice but to explain himself, and at the same time, he’s slipping back into old habits because they feel safer. Hm.

(this is just an incredibly biased aside, but He Tian intentionally ragebaiting Mo and then telling his very visceral reaction is a mere “tantrum” consitutes a certified Asshole (tm) moment. Goddammit, He Tian!)

Then again, we see this panel where he gazes upon the utterly defeated Mo, and… somewhere deep down, He Tian has to know that what he’s doing is not right. This is the moment. The tipping point between clinging to the status quo and finally giving them a real chance. Because if they keep going like this, it won’t be a relationship; just another on-and-off mess, looping back on itself until there’s nothing left.

It’s a shame that it took this to get this conversation going, but the moment we saw these two back in the first chapter of the adult timeline and how they acted around each other, something was bound to give.

I, for one, am excited for what the next chapters could bring to Tianshan's story!