tequilaandtouchingtragedies

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

It’s all fun and games until someone’s holding a gun to your head and you’re telling them to shoot.........they’ll never shoot.

It’s not reassuring when you hear false clips next to your ear.......it’s a disappointment.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

5/12/21.

Gotta hand it to ya, it’s either my belief in the fact that I could do better or your solemn words that made me want to stay.

I buy my own flowers, bitch.

I live day by day minding my own business.......trying to figure out why i’m being watched by so many people of so many different levels. For what? Because of someone else’s bad decision that I just went along with?

Because you ultimately learned you weren’t good enough and lacked extremely important minuscule values that your significant other looked for and longed for in the end?

Because even though you lived together and were best friends, that nobody could tell you the truth because you were unstable in your own relationships and it immediately affected everyone around you to the point you ruined everything?

Validation will never be enough for you. Therapy will never be enough for you.

Have fun controlling those people you even remotely think give a shit about you.....must be sad to be so pathetic. Seriously. I wish I had the effort, I really do. But I have a real life, a life outside of social media and outside of a life where I think people give a shit about me. Log off. Get some help. Please. You’re a danger to those around you, whether you know it or not.

I feel so sorry for those near you that I couldn’t save.

But maybe, they deserved it too.

Good riddance. And RIP.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

4/3/21.

I miss the days where my biggest struggle was finding a dress to wear to an amateur music industry award show, with management and different bands/men in bands yelling at me about what I should wear, what my makeup should look like, etc. I remember I missed out on meeting Manson one night because I was too shy. I miss those days.

I miss those relevant days. Days when I knew I was escorted by someone on Manson or Rob Zombie’s crew. The days I wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone side stage and was required to have my makeup, hair and outfit done/pre-approved before I was allowed into the side stage area. My old friends think they have it so sick selling merch or smacking a few drum heads nowadays.........things have changed. And life will be even more strict. See you there.......not.

Good news, I got the only thing i’ve ever cared about for real in this lifetime back.......and he can see this. He can see my past. AND he can see the points in time where I knew he was mine. If it comes back to you a third time, it’s yours to keep right??

I hope so.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

2/22/21.

God fucking dammit.

I always forget to update this thing especially when I have a million thoughts in my head and need to get them down SOMEWHERE. I need a break. I need SOMETHING. I think I need therapy and i’ve considered getting it. 

There’s been this dwindling thought in the back of my mind and it’s been there for years.......but it’s only getting louder. I never used to hear it at all hours of the day like I do now, but suddenly it’s screaming “let go!! Let go NOW! You’re completely ready TO DIE so just get it over with!!” And it’s the scariest feeling ever. Also so hard to describe. 

I miss the past. I miss who I used to be. I miss Las Vegas.....i’ve even attempted to stay at Bally’s the last few times i’ve tried to attend.

I think it’s hand tattoo time honestly.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

2/11/21.

Happy Anniversary.

Here we are. Again. 

In the same fucking position we were in over a year ago.

We are two powerful entities that just aren’t made to be together in this life and that’s okay. I’m slowly learning that. It doesn’t stop me from missing the fuck out of you most days. Or every day. But damn did I enjoy my time with you while it lasted........I still have hopes that you’d come back just like last time. I never pray, but I prayed today.

Somehow, despite all that’s happened recently, life has been strangely falling together. I found a roommate with someone I really care about and trust, i’ve started looking for another job, i’ve slowly been stepping back from music. And honestly? The result is looking somewhat decent so far. I hope after the full moon tonight that things start falling into place. I’m ready to do better. I’m ready to be better. I will be better.

I am so excited to go to Vegas and let loose for a little bit.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

Sometimes I sing along to songs hoping you can hear me. 

I miss you.

I won’t be here long.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

2/8/21.

And nine, I saw the signs reflected in the barrel of a gun.

I miss you. 

Last night I attended a whole ass redneck bonfire in the middle of nowhere and it was the best. I felt like myself when I got there and I was accepted for it. I got there with hope and kept it throughout the entire night, catching up with old friends but honestly? It would’ve felt way better with you here. You definitely would've enjoyed yourself and put that cowboy hat to use. I spent the whole night thinking “wow, if you were here you’d be way into this” but I still enjoyed myself. It just made me miss you.

I miss you.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

I try and put myself in your footsteps every single day,

I try and find my place. My brain thinks of you every single minute of every single day. And I wish I could shut it off. I want to move on, I tell myself I have to.  

I miss you. 

Forever.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

2/8/21.

I feel like it’s been an eternity but it’s only been a few weeks.

That’s always how these journals seem to go and I feel like I start these things out the exact same way every single fucking time. This time I don’t have any acrylics so I can actively type fast without even thinking twice.

It’s currently 1:36am and i’m trying to figure out a way to sum up the last couple of weeks without my dramatic best friend sending this post to her current “band dude” and/or without anyone i’ve blocked recently seeing this. Respect is earned honestly, and that’s all I have to say. Every single time something of mine or a secret of mine gets out, it’s another career point taken away and I wish some people would understand that.

I hate being in the position of power. 

I honestly hate being in the position of knowing I can do better but instead i’m taking away from those who I assumed can do better themselves. It isn’t fair in some cases. We all make mistakes. We all find morals and most importantly, a friend, in our times of need. We find another. Maybe we find that someone who understands our own pain and has the words to make it better, or at least sound better. It doesn’t even have to be about pain and most of the time, it never is. 

Or was.

Imagine having someone to reach out to whenever you wanted to. Imagine the picture perfect conversation in your head; when you were struggling, when you needed advice, when you needed uplifting, when you needed gossip on a mutual friend; when you just needed someone to fucking tell about your day to..............it’s not much. 

In my mind, that’s the bare minimum. 

I thought that’s what you’d find in your regular relationship. I thought that’s what people got themselves into when they made it official. 

We were never official.

But you were my person. 

You were the person who asked me how my day was. What I did. How I woke up, what I ate for lunch, how I was feeling mentally. It had to have taken a toll on you some days but you never quit. You never stopped.

Recently, you were the person who got me into King 810. I remember Alpha and Omega came on and I screenshotted a photo of it and send it to you. You told me that there was a youtube documentary after I mentioned that they should make a Netflix show about the guy. You were the person I could talk to about all kinds of music and the music scene without any precaution; you never shared our secrets. I told you everything about everyone I knew, even my best female friend at the time. I told you everything. 

I told you when I was seeing someone else, even in the early stages. I asked advice and for gossip and information about him.......you didn’t fail and I always took your word. I’m so glad I did, because he’s the best and he’s been through so much in the short amount of time i’ve known him.

I took 20 minutes in between this to take two tequila shots and now I have to log off while I still can.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

1/26/21.

Surprise.

Thought you’d seen the last of me, am I right?

My life is endless here; my dreams are something else. 

And here I am.....in this stupid fucking journal/book I started almost 10 years ago now. How insane. That means i’ve been grinding my teeth into oblivion for at LEAST 8 years now. Fuck all of you.

Everyone in this battlefield is within music or has been within music; no exception. And you cannot lie to me.  Every time I take a deep breath or rub my face, I feel an exceptional amount of cold air or a kick in the face from the cigarette smoke of a casino. Both I welcome as home.

I snorted my first line of coke in the bathrooms at Snoqualmie. It’ll always have a special place in my heart. I’ll never forget the moment, just the initial venue leaving so we could go back and do shots of tequila in the caddy. I’ll never forget. I never want to.                                                                   

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

???

I filled the void while you were gone. It’s only been about 4 months but I figured I should get my shit together after waiting around and losing time. I needed to find a way to pay for this DUI.......that’s where PF Changs came in. What a disaster.

Thankfully I had worked under the new GM a year ago or I never would’ve been able to get off the blacklist. The now new GM, an old friend of mine, always had a thing for me and I used that to my advantage, i’ll admit. He helped me pay over $10k for this bitch and i’ll always be at his mercy. 

Hard to believe our relationship started at a housewarming party 4 months into me losing the best thing I ever had. 

It was never the same. The money was so nice, I never had to worry. I got everything I wanted at work due to dating the boss behind everyones back. Life was okay.

It’s still not bad.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

10/7/19.

It’s alright. We’re fine.

I never look at this shit like I should. 

To avoid the pain, to try and move forward......to remove the disgusting feeling of violently hurting someone else while trying to numb out the feeling of you not being there. That shit hurts. And it didn’t hurt just me. 

You were there. I just made the worst decision I possibly could have.

In after all the fighting, the flashing lights and the screaming.......the blood on the bed of the hotel that I know for a fact wasn’t anyone else’s blood but mine. We made it here. 

And you came back. This was the second chance. 

This was the second chance that I knew was going to happen. I felt it. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw your responding text, that life was going to come back to what it was.

I got more then I imagined.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

9/7/20

It’s so insane reading the two last posts I wrote on here. I feel like a completely different person honestly.

I feel like i’ve advanced in this lifetime. And it’s hard to describe unless you’ve experienced it for yourself.

There’s a ton on my mind.

I’m not lost anymore. I figured out I never was......I've been powerful all along but surrounded by those who drug me down. Who denied me. Who told me I was irrelevant and a liar. A fraud. I was never lost.......just drug down and buried by the energies of those incapable of moving forward or beyond and I was sick of it. I spent so much time pouring love and emotion into others when I never took care of myself and I suffered. Hard. I don’t look at the negatives anymore, I look at the future. I look at my past as a learning lesson.

And in this entire time since January?

I’ve looked at it as a learning lesson. A break. A cut. Those from my past are not moving on into my future and they never will be. Some of them will be successful, some will suffer. And that’s the hard part I have to live with. Cutting those off who don’t/will not understand or listen to what’s at hand. I can’t have that in my future......the future is communication and most of those in my past life don’t get that.

The future is communication.

The future is so faulty for so many.

I, for one, feel okay.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

???

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t exist anymore. I am nothing. An empty form, I am absent from this life mentally. I’m lost and not wanting to be found.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

???

I haven’t updated in forever.

I don’t know what i’m doing anymore. I say the same exact damn thing every single time and nothing changes. I’m still at the same dead end I was years ago. I could go back and dig up remains of everything i’ve ever written and could still relate to everything i’ve ever said. I don’t know which is worse, the fact i’m still in the same spot I was years ago or the fact i’m still living. At this point, I could care less.

I have always cared less.

I don’t even think I have a heart anymore. Actually, I know I don’t. There’s no way. I’m an empty shell of who I used to be. I work all the time to keep my mind busy and keep myself out of trouble. I am still sad. I am still empty. But i’m still pushing on with no motivation, no plan, no reason.

I am here. And I don’t want to be.

I’m trying to not cry so I don’t ruin the lashes i’m currently wearing. I’m so close to giving up, August is my last chance. I feel like I have only two months to live and I know if i’m going to do it, it needs to be soon. I feel like i’m counting down my last days. I know this is just a feeling and it will pass, but it turns more real every second, as every day passes by. My head is filled with a black, empty void. Just a quiet nothing and that’s the most terrifying part. He warned me about this moment and to be as aware as I possibly can to prevent further damage to myself and those around me. I feel like I have hands around my neck.

But as it is, just another day. Just a little worse then the others.

I’ll be back soon.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

4/15/20

The past knows who he is.

I always write in this blog/book when i’m drunk and it’s such a bad idea but also such real emotion at the same time that nobody can truly be mad at me for it.

The past and I are on good terms for right now, the worst that can happen is that he completely removes me from his life and with everything going on, I won’t be surprised if he does but I still need to prepare myself for such an event. Somebody I truly care about is getting married so soon and I have nothing to do with it, i’m going to have to learn how to live with it. And that’s that. I’ve done my best to try and move forward to some extent but I still feel myself reaching for his hand at any given moment I can take. I still feel like we’re star crossed lovers, just like the text.........I still feel like if he came back to me knowing what he knows now, we’d be alright. We’d be able to manage. 

He’s going to come back to me. I just know it. I can feel it.

I miss listening to his heartbeat and holding his hand.

But alas, the world moves on and so do I. Or at least I try. Please stay tuned.......this isn’t the end of this chapter.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

4/8/20.

Wow.

What a grip in time. I’ve come back to this blog a little more clear-headed then I have the last few times and it’s insane. I truly am crazy.

I’ve always been bad at keeping a diary and i’ve been doing my best to do better. As usual. Same old shit, different day. I’ve done my best to try and not attack myself over not keeping true to my word but as usual, I still suffer. At least it’s by my own hand this time.

I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the future. The past is and always will be amazing, but i’m learning how to deal with loss. I lost the best part of me this past year and i’ll never be able to get this part back. It was the only part that told me I needed to clean up and get sober, and try to find something worth living for. And now it’s gone. The past knows who it is.