tessaidso

[tessaidso]

June 29th-lol a mess

I'm happy with life but also deathly afraid of messing up. Poor Jordan gets to listen to me contemplate everything in life. I fear being my parents. Getting married to someone and having kids and spending years with that person only for it to end in divorce. And rekindling something I had with someone years ago that I still think about, not in a romantic way but like a bonded connection way. I get a weird feeling I am doing something wrong but I don't know what to do about it because I'm happy and I don't want to mess it up. I fear of wasting time but at the same time I don't feel like my time is being wasted. My thoughts are total contradictions to each other.

[tessaidso]

The ones that will never leave

I have a very small amount of people I consider friends. I have the one friend who has been my best friend since I was in daycare. She is like my little sister I never had. I have a girl who has been my worst enemy at times but has also been my best friend. We have the type of friendship where we don't have to talk every day but yet we are always there for each other. We went through some similar things and she just understands my struggles and pain. I have this one guy friend who I have been friends with for years. We almost dated but didn't I was heart broken. Turns out he was too. I didn't know he actually liked me until years later. That still fucks me up. He knew everything about me. We barely talk, or at least we barely have deep conversations anymore but I still consider him my best friend. He helped shape who I am today. We have never hung out in person. We have barely said words to each other in person for that matter. We have silently been best friends for roughly 6 years if not more. We just have a bond . It's a weird feeling. Not many people even know we talk, probably only 2 people besides ourselves. We have tried to stop talking for years. We always find ourselves talking again. I don't know why he keeps coming back. I don't think either of us know. But I love all three of these people and the relationship we have. I often wish I had more friends but I'm actually pretty happy with the 3 I have. As weird and fucked up as they are I need them in my life.

[tessaidso]

Please do not

open your mouth about miscarriage if you don’t know anything about it.

It is not “just like a period”.

It is not something that “you can just try again”.

It is physical AND emotional pain.

It is a fluctuation in hormones.

It is waiting. 

It is your body expelling something that should have a life and future.

It is possibly having to take medication to open your cervix so that your body will start the “natural process”.

It is seeing your future physically fall out of you, or a hospital room because your body couldn’t correctly do the job and now the doctor will do it for you.

It is bleeding for days/weeks on end.

It is depression.

It is worrying about infection.

It is trauma.

It is waiting to be allowed to be intimate with your partner again.

It is never wanting to to be intimate again.

It is blood draws and HCG level testing.

It is a follow up gynecological appointment, and physical exam from a stranger when you don’t want anyone near that fragile part of your body.

It is possibly another ultrasound… of your now empty belly.

It is possibly the need for surgery.

It is crying on the bathroom floor feeling like your body failed you.

It is months of waiting for your cycle to regulate so you can “just try again”.

It is never forgetting the excitement, the waiting in the ultrasound room, the horrible news, the images, the pain, the due date, and the fact that you SHOULD be a mother to that child but you will never be.

And no other pregnancy, no other baby, will ever replace the one that should have been but is not.

It is never being able to truly feel excited when you become pregnant again. Because this never leaves you, and this could happen again.

It is NOT just like a period.

[tessaidso]

My story

February 13th I got home from grocery shopping and I just had a feeling that I needed to take a pregnancy test. It was positive immediately. I was so excited but of course nervous to tell my parents as I was 18 years old. I told my mom the same day and she cried saying she was disappointed in me and that she wanted better for me. It was a knife to the heart. Not what you want to hear from your mom. I was even more nervous to tell my dad after getting my mom's response. I eventually worked up the courage to tell my dad on February 19th, my 19th birthday. He was so happy. He instantly hugged me and was so excited to be a grandpa. The next day I had a little spotting and side pain but was told not to worry because it's normal in the beginning of pregnancy. The days following that I had started to bleed more and have episodes of excruciating pain in my left abdomen. On February 26th, it was confirmed that I was miscarrying. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was heartbroken. It's been a rocky roller coaster ever since. My boyfriend, of 4.5 years, and I have been trying to conceive ever since.

[tessaidso]

[tessaidso]

Help

I need somebody

[tessaidso]

to all of you lovely human beings out there whose dad left them, has hurt them, or has never been what you need - you are not a reflection of those who can’t love you. you are wonderful, even if he doesn’t see it. please be kind to yourself today.

[tessaidso]

and then forget

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[tessaidso]

The friends I made all seemed somehow to drift away…

-Charles Aznavour (via scarredscared)

[tessaidso]

[tessaidso]

This is the time of the night when you start to feel completely alone when everything goes quiet and still.

(via u-n-i-q-u-e-l-y)

[tessaidso]

…

[tessaidso]

Reality is ugly, but life is beautiful.

Epik High, “Life is Good” (via wnq-music)

[tessaidso]