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textpostsforfuturereference · 6 years ago

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To all the boys I (never really) loved and some that I should have:

#1: I dated you for all of the wrong reasons. You were handsome and tall and older and smart and I felt like I needed to prove something to those around me --that I was worthy of those things. I found myself for the first time (and certainly not the last time) completely indifferent about us. I remember thinking of the possibility of you cheating and I didn’t even feel threatened that you were surrounded by pretty college girls. You broke up with me then got mad when I didn’t tell you I was visiting Oxford then all of the sudden we were back on and looking back I was passive the entire time. When I finally wanted out your anger was a bit surprising to me and maybe proved you liked me more than I thought you did, so I’m sorry for that. My struggles with dating started here and I don’t know if its your fault or my own, but I’m leaning towards the latter. Thank you for ultimately always being a gentleman. I learned that just because someone seems right on paper doesn’t mean its all that its cracked up to be.

#2 Looking back I felt pressured into taking interest in you. I saw you at the liquor store and thought you were cute but I never thought it would go past that. You tried to scare me but I was hell bent on seeming like I was cool with all of that. You were just immature for trying to scare me but I know you were fighting your own past mistakes and demons that still haunted you and wanted to know if I could handle it. I really hope you’ve chased some of that toxicity out of your life. Thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone.

#3 First of all, fuck you. Secondly, I have to commend you for your persistence. I think it was 2 or 3 years of you trying to court me all while you had a girlfriend in Cincinnati. I really do hope she’s dumped you at this point because she deserves better. I’m also laughing as I type this because I really don’t hate you. You were just seeking emotional comfort and more love which I don’t think you got enough of growing up, but boy are you sneaky!! Thank you for teaching me to not believe everything a guy tells me and do some fact checking. You were the first (and not the last!) cheater I’ve had telling me everything I’ve wanted to hear. I hope you’re feeling the love in your life and aren’t up to the same old tricks these days.

#4 You didn’t even make the first draft of this list because I’ve done that great of a job forgetting about you. But I loved you. Whatever it was we had was random but it somehow became a huge part of my life. It was never romantic but it wasn’t platonic either. We talked all day and night about everything. You knew everything going on in my life down to the last mundane detail, and I thought I knew everything about yours. I didn’t know you were talking to another girl romantically until you confided in me that you were worried about her after breaking things off with her (and really that she was a little crazy). But not long after, you two reconciled and you slowly started to fade away. I remember where I was when I finally heard back from you after my texts had trouble going through - you were in Canada visiting her and meeting her family. A trip to Canada wasn’t exactly a small detail you forgot to tell me. I’m heartbroken our friendship didn’t last. I was okay with not being romantic. You didn’t need to block me on all social media. I would never sabotage your relationship. I guess I didn’t mean as much to you as you meant to me. Thank you for being a friend when we were friends, but also thank you for showing me that I have to forget the ones who have no trouble forgetting me.

#5 You were such a nice, normal guy and I felt like we had a good connection!! I was really nervous around you because you were the first guy I could realistically see myself dating. We were similar enough but maybe too shy with each other. I’m not sure why the whole thing fizzled but I really appreciate you for being you. And I hope you’re dating/married to a smoke show now because YOU deserve it.

#6 You were another situation where I felt pressured into liking you, but it just wasn’t there for me. You have such a fun/loud personality but something was off. You were also trying to shed some demons (and you’ve appeared to successfully done so) that I did not know about until after the fact, but that was too much for me at that point in my life. Sorry for my indecisiveness when you asked me if I saw a future. You waded through that bullshit and told me that if my answer wasn’t an outright yes, then it was a no. Thanks for being fun and not hating me. I still love running into you every once in a blue moon. You’re a good guy.

#7 Really sorry for the roller coaster I put you on. For the record, I did like you a lot, but this is yet another example of “something’s missing” or maybe I was just indecisive when my answer should’ve been NO all along. I’m also really sorry for letting my friend get in the way. It formed a huge crack in my friendship with her and it ultimately dissolved so really I should thank you for that. Also you should know that I was NEVER interested in any of your other friends. You were always the shining star in your group. And we were together when the Cavs won the championship, so I’ll never ever forget you. I wish the circumstances would’ve been different and things wouldn’t have gotten to messy, but I learned I will never let that happen again. Thank you!

#8 I tried sooo hard to dodge you because you were perhaps the most intimidating guy I had ever met. I knew this was doomed for the start but it was fun and it scared me in the most excitable way. I was never going to fit into your lifestyle - heavy drinking, VIP at clubs, connections everywhere, after hours bars - but I was definitely going to try to. We both had a nasty sense of humor and loved sports so it’s a wonder to me that we were still so incredibly different. Me having to leave for a month to work in Cincinnati was probably the best thing to happen, otherwise I don’t know how this thing would’ve ended. I lived for your text messages all day and night while I was away. You opened up and I was peeling back your layers and learning about you. I came home for the weekend and we day drank, then as soon as I went back for Cincinnati you were MIA. I’m surprised you ghosted because you didn’t seem to have that type of personality, but little did I know that was the best thing to happen to me. Thanks for pulling me out of my comfort zone and for keeping me company with your texts those first two weeks in Cincinnati. I know things have gotten tough for you and you are fighting to clear your name in the court of public opinion and better yourself, but I don’t hold any of this stuff against you. At your core, you’re a good person.

#9 You were the first to absolutely light me on fire, but admittedly I had my guard up. #8 literally ghosted me on Monday, and you were there to take me home and kiss me all over your apartment on Friday. I wished I could’ve stayed in Cincinnati forever even though you didn’t up living there much longer. I don’t know how or why things didn’t go anywhere. I don’t know if I wasn’t up front about my feelings and you got afraid to be upfront about yours. I don’t know if it was the distance. But I know you thought of me and still do. Going on a date nearly two years after we met and after a year and a half of you living out of the country was my dream come true. I still cant entirely let go of you for some reason. I think it’s because I have faith my patience will pay off one day. I want to live the rest of my life making you laugh everyday, mostly because I LOVE the sound of your laugh and seeing your dimples when you smile. I’m also prepared for nothing to ever happen between us again, but know there’s always a little piece of me with you. Thank you for being interesting and kind and showing me someone can be not only perfect on paper but also standing before me.

#10 I really shouldn’t even list you here but you were the best distraction I could ever ask for. You’re literally a secret friend. I really wished we could’ve had the steamy affair we always planned on having, but you’ve really been a good emotional outlet for me, and I hope I’ve been that for you. You listen, give advice, and keep secrets. I also love when you send me thirst trap snaps and I like sending you bikini pics and then when we see each other in person we act like we haven’t talked since the last time we saw each other in person several months prior. You’re kind of a piece of shit for doing this behind your wife’s back, but I probably am too for entertaining it. I’m super thankful for your friendship and your advice and encouragement.

#11 You were the second to absolutely light me on fire. But i burned myself. I wrote you a goodbye letter that makes me cry when I read it because I felt all the feelings with you. And maybe a big part of my turmoil is that I knew all along it wasn’t going to work out even though I wanted it to sooo badly. I saw everything great in you --you’re so smart, genuine, kind, curious, family oriented, compassionate, fun, nerdy and to top it all off so handsome and you didn’t even have a fucking clue!!! Maybe our timing was off or maybe you just weren’t that into me or maybe I didn’t tell you how into I really was. I cried about you for a year and a half (no joke) while I tried to carry on and date other guys. I’ve always wondered if you think of me or forgot about me when you found someone new. I kept tabs on you just enough to know when you were finally moving away from Cleveland, and its helped me heal a ton since you left. You’re going to do great things in this world, and while I’m sad I don’t get to be the one by your side I think we’re better off this way. Thank you for making me feel all the feelings I so desperately wanted to feel, even if the heart break outlived the relationship by over 1000%. And thank you for showing me the complete package does exist out there somewhere! Edit: Fuck you for unfriending me on snapchat. Actually maybe that’s for the best.

#12 I am so sorry. I didn’t give you the chance you deserved on our first date and was NOT on my best behavior. I was still reeling over my heartbreak and thought I needed to just rip the bandaid off and go on a date. You are perfection on paper (and in person too - don’t get me wrong) so I don’t know why we didn’t just ultimately dive in after a few months, but its all good. I think my indecisiveness , again, just gets in the way here. I’ve always had really good times with you and only think positive things of you! Again, I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve held you back or made you question yourself. We’re actually a really good fit and I’ve wished over and over again this could work but maybe we just lack that spark. Thank you for always being fun, for allowing me to tell you my fire sports takes, and being a gentleman. I wish all of the best things for you because you deserve that (and a cute dog, finally!)

#13 I truly didn’t understand what you were looking for. You had the most bizarre persistence or lack thereof. I would get the most random texts from you every month or so, make super loose plans to meet up, then not hear from you. Until finally we actually made firm plans. I’m not sure why I went out with you with your terrible text behavior, but I must admit I was super excited you were cool and so incredibly handsome. I thought things went fine and I even followed up to keep things going and then never heard from you again. If you were looking for a fuck buddy, you probably should have just said so. Or if you were looking for a 23 year old, okay. But you knew from the jump we were the same age. I don’t get you!

#14 First of all, fuck you. Secondly, fuck myself. This was a disaster from the beginning and another time I ignored my intuition, and was maybe way more passive than I should’ve been. I queued a tweet within the first few days of meeting you that alluded to my disinterest and something to look back on when things ultimately ended between us. I do stuff like this sometimes to remind myself my intuition told me the answer well before I listened to it. I probably let you in too much. I would face time you without makeup. I followed you on all socials and am now left with daily reminders of you. I let you stay with my in my apartment for the weekend when you were in Cleveland. You were all up in my space which isn’t something I’ve ever really had to deal with before. When I mentally made a pros and cons list about you and the potential of a relationship with you, the cons more than outweighed the pros. We were never going to work. I’m sorry I didn’t have sex with you, but you expected me to surrender my body like it was it was entirely yours for the night with zero discussion. I know you just wanted to be loved, but I don’t think you ever considered my needs and hesitations either nor how I want to feel like you respect my body. It pains me to say that this relationship with super easy to let go of within hours of you walking out my door. Your teasing was at times relentless and unnecessary and would chip away at my self esteem and patience sometimes. You fake broke up with me and when i asked you if it was a joke you said no and saw the joke all the way through until I was fully convinced it was over only to laugh at how upset I got when you revealed the joke. You were always tweeting pretty girls on Twitter and giving your tickets to them. You were on tinder while we laid on the couch together and I think you thought I was sleeping. You were red flags all over the place. Thank you for teaching me to NEVER EVER ignore them. And I hope you learn to be a little nicer. I also thank you for making me have a post-mortem conversation about the death of our relationship. I never planned to speak of it again, but a little communication and opening up emotionally is probably good for me with all of this pent up emotion I have from the aforementioned. Edit: you’ve tried staying on my radar ever since --telling me you miss me, you want to see me again, and inviting me to visit you to get away from the cold. It truly shocks me sometimes how much it appears you like me, yet how poorly you treated me when you had my full attention. My ire has only festered and grown and I almost eat up the fact I live rent free in your head. I relish in being nice and leaving you breadcrumbs (only when you initiate contact) so you hold onto just enough hope so I can keep my renter’s status. And I’m not sorry I didn’t have sex with you. In fact, that was one of my better choices in 2019.

#15 This was short lived and I am very sorry! After #13 left me not really heartbroken, but pissed off, I wanted to go in the complete opposite direction, which is exactly where you were. You were so smart, nerdy, and completely accepting of me being a dietary wet blanket. I appreciate your kindness and I’m sorry I wasn’t really in the right headspace for this to go anywhere.

#16 I knew this one wasn’t going to last forever, but I was sure going to get my hopes up! You were reminiscent of #11 somewhere deep in your spirit and I thought this could be what I had been waiting for. You were quirky and funny and lively and I was shocked how handsome you were in person. I felt like we matched up in so many ways and I had the best time with you in the little time we spent together. Our spontaneous date at Society where I wore my glasses, you practically wore pajamas, and held my hand saying you were looking for the real thing certainly made me feel great about where we could be going. But shortly after, you had a death in the family and things fizzled our much quicker than they began. I still think about you and your hotdog roller machine and it always gives me a good laugh! Thank you for being yourself because you are a special person.

#17 I hate to admit I am still pissed off about this one and I don’t have reason to be. When we met, I was not attracted to you. You followed me around like a lost puppy and I used that opportunity to let you get me Vodka Sodas all night and then dip out when I was too drunk and had dodged your advances without giving you my number or anything. But you found me the next morning and began to pursue me with confidence, and who am I to say no? You were persistent with facetiming and texting and wanted me to come down to Columbus to go on a date so I obliged. I still wasn’t entirely sure about you, but standing in Char Bar I had a “YEP” moment when I realized I wanted you to be mine and there was no reason you weren’t going to be mine. Everyone else previously mentioned on this list could’ve evaporated into thin air and I wouldn’t have noticed. I laughed to myself that #9 lived just down the street from you and that #11 lived somewhere in the area too. These were the early days of quarantine where everything was cozy and I just wanted to live in your bed, do puzzles, watch netflix, and fool around. You were super kind, but also had moments where you made me feel dumb or annoying a la #14. I’m sorry if my wanting to be secretive about our relationship made you weary of me. I never explained my track record made me nervous to tell anyone and I just wanted to enjoy some quarantine time together without questions from anyone. Looking back I probably was ill-equipped to begin this relationship and you probably realized that fast. After you excitedly begged me to visit you in Columbus twice, I asked you to come to Cleveland and you said no. I was hurt and confused by how quickly the tone changed and, like I had so many times before, I clawed and fought for every inch as you pulled away and eventually you were just another ghost. I found some peace with it, but when you popped up with a full on girlfriend a few months later I was pissed. But it’s completely fair and I have no right to be pissed about it. I think I’m confused how I let this one slip away from me when it initially felt like a layup. I had so much idle quarantine time to think about it and let the ‘heartbreak’ fester, but maybe it was just not meant to work out. Thank you for the fun, as sort lived as it was. PS: your bed was the most comfortable.

#18 I haven’t fully closed the book on this one because it feels ongoing. You might have a girlfriend right now, but I’m also pretty sure you had one over the summer before/during our date, but I know I have a place on the bench and you’ve got a place on mine! What has always attracted me to you at the most is the impeccable sense of humor (and the dimples... can’t forget the dimples). You’re smart and well spoken and so funny and tall. You care about the social issues and handle haters with grace! Distance is unfortunately a big factor into why this book has not closed (COVID too!) and it just sucks. You probably shouldn’t tell me you miss me when you appear to be seeing someone else exclusively. But being the “cool girl” that I am, I won’t call you out on it. I haven’t always been 100% on you romantically, but I always 100% root for you. I think you are undoubtedly great and thank you for being that!

#19 I really shouldn’t fool myself that this is going to be forever. I’ve admitted it to myself then quickly tried to silence the voice that this isn’t for me. I don’t think I’ve held anyone’s attention for this long and you certainly check most, if not all the boxes, but I cringe at you sometimes. Everything you say is too good to be true and I don’t think you’re bullshitting me. It really comes down to if you’re the person I want to be with and a lot of the times I am not so sure if “it” is there. Distance has weirdly been a factor even though you are one of the few who are actually in Cleveland. I feel like I owe it to both of us to stick around a little longer and give it a true shot, however, like so many times before, I feel like the vibe has started to shift. We’re probably not a good match, but you have a good soul so I can’t say for certain. Thank you for your patience.

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textpostsforfuturereference · 7 years ago

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This is goodbye: A letter to him.

You gotta go.

I saw you in the absolute best ways, but you don’t deserve my kindness. I’m not sure I can list one negative thing about you. You have the most kind and gentle spirit, a genuine heart, intelligence, a brilliant sense of humor, child-like wonder, and you burst at the seems with potential. I could feel greatness in your future even if you didn’t feel it yourself. I know you had had a setback that left your spirit broken and the pieces didn’t immediately fit back together, but you possess everything within you to bounce back better than before - don’t be so hard on yourself. With time that will just a blip on your radar.

I was enough for you, but you never made me feel that way. I understood the ways in which you were broken even if we didn’t talk about them in detail. It’s my uncanny ability to read people and feel their emotions. You didn’t have to pretend to be anything other than who you were at any given moment, I accepted you, broken parts and all. I know I made you happy, even if it was just for a moment.

I was patient and understanding, but you don’t deserve my loyalty. I never asked for what you couldn’t give. To be fair, I didn’t ask for much of anything - just to see your face after stretches of time where our schedules kept us a part. That was all I needed. Our conversations were hours long where we would share stories, I would ask you ‘this or that’ questions, and I would internally marvel at the fact that I found you.

But now i have to let you go: not because you didn’t make me happy, but because you so often made me sad. I willingly allowed myself to be lower on your list of priorities. IN FACT I encouraged it. I wanted to make things easier for you but I ignored my own needs. You weren’t ready for me. I figured my patience would pay off but there was nothing to wait for. Text messages would go hours without answer - and for no good reason. My intuition told me you and I were not forever and I fought it as it boiled inside of me. As for our long conversations, I can only remember two questions you ever asked me: one from our first date and one from our last. The rest of the time we were talking about you. Sure, you have many great things to say and I loved listening to you but what did you learn about me?

I appreciate the role you played in my life and I’m glad it was YOU who taught me these things... I questioned whether I could ever feel these things for someone since I had gone so long in my life not really feeling much. Turns out I can. I learned I am not a second option. Or a third. Or a fourth, etc. and I should never allow someone to treat me as such. We all have commitments and goals we are working towards, but you make room for the people you value. I learned my intuition is always right with absolutely zero exceptions. I learned people as special as you don’t necessarily have a place in my life. People come into my life always for a reason, even if just for a season. Perhaps my purpose in your life was to distract you from some of the pain you had experienced, to inflate your deflated ego (you didn’t even realize how HANDSOME you are), and to help you figure out what you need to make you happy (obviously not me).

Our phone conversation hurt. You used cliches. You didn’t ask me to wait but made some vague non-promises to cushion my fall. The recovery process has hurt even more. I didn’t feel like myself for the longest time afterwards. I had many bad days. I still think about you a lot. A LOT A LOT. I’ve tried to grasp what went wrong. Even more I’ve tried to figure out how I can move on. I really don’t know what will make me feel better, but I know I am getting there. Set backs happen. We spoke 6 days ago and I felt no connection to you like the person I was so into isn’t you anymore. Perhaps I like the broken version of you who only existed for a short period of time. As long as you are making yourself happier everyday - even if just a little - I can accept that. You are amazing and deserve every bit of happiness. I want you to heal and feel whole again for YOU and no one else. I will do the same. But please know that you can’t rely on me anymore to make you feel special because you never did that for me.

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