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thank-your-lucky-stars · 6 years

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i haven’t been on here in a very long time, and i’m not sure how many people will remember me, but that’s okay. i abandoned this blog for various reasons, and while i have no intention of going back to blogging like i used to, i’m at a point in my life right now where i really very possibly need some help. i’m trying to do all i can for myself so i don’t have to go to the doctors and one of the things i figured might help is writing down my thoughts and feelings. i used to do that here quite a lot, but maybe i did it for the wrong reasons. i don’t know. but now i feel like i need to get certain things out of my head. i’ve been talking to people a lot; my friends, my friends at work....i’ve actually probably spoken to *too* many people about how i’m feeling at the moment, albeit maybe not as explicitly as i would do here.

i’m really struggling. i think i may have fallen in love, which at first felt great but right now is probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, because he doesn’t feel the same way. i told him how i felt, that i liked him, in a message on my birthday on the 18th of march. i’d never done anything like that before, but after months of “does he like me? doesn’t he like me?” - this constant confusion, and things ending up pretty weird between us, i knew it couldn’t go on. i’d started to avoid him and he started asking questions about me to other people at work (we work in the same complex, albeit in different departments).

turns out he knew i liked him, and had known for.....a long time. i still to this day don’t know how he found out. i don’t think he just figured it out himself, even though i made it quite obvious, but where we work....people talk. a lot. it’s a gossip mill for sure.

the fact that he knew for months that i liked him, but continued to flirt with me, and never shut it down.....honestly that broke my heart. it made me feel so disvalued as a friend. because above everything, i thought we were friends. he even asked to go for a walk with me one time; we walked for two hours in the rain, just the two of us. we were meant to go again, but i canceled as i wasn’t feeling well that day. apparently, that time i cancelled, he was going to talk to me about how he just wanted to be friends. this was back in february, a whole month+ before i finally told him how i felt and ruined my own birthday.

it’s obviously been weird at work since. we didn’t talk for weeks. he told others that he just didn’t know what to say. he messaged me once and when i tried to explain how i felt, how hurt i felt, he didn’t even really try to defend himself. he ended up having a long talk with my sister (who also works at the same place) about me, and he contacted me again asking to meet up to “sort everything out”. i couldn’t do it. i said i just wanted to forget about it all.

we have spoken briefly since then. but on wednesday night i found out, from my sister, that he’s been spending a lot of time with this other girl at work. a girl i always knew he was friends with but they never hung out at all. and i confided in her about everything, and she was even the one that told me certain things about how he felt and what he was thinking. she has told both me and my sister that she isn’t interested in him in that way, that he’s too old for her (she’s only 19, he’s 26), but she told my sister that she blames herself for everything; she believes he DID like me, but then he started to like HER more. and when my sister told me that, i felt physically sick. i could hardly speak. apparently he’s been messaging her a lot, been flirty, they hang out a lot, and she’s worried he likes her but she’s not sure if she’s just being paranoid because of how he was with me.

he’s not a bad guy. he’s insecure and shy with girls. he’s not a ‘lad’. be bakes and is a little bit of a nerd and he’s a bit OCD and he runs and is devoted to his friends. a lot of people believe he’s actually gay. but i have fallen for him, and the idea that he’s spending time with another girl, possibly LIKES this girl....i am struggling with it so much.

after my sister told me this, i didn’t speak for like an hour before i went to bed and i just cried. i cried so hard i wanted to throw up. i was awake all night and had to call in sick for work the next day and even ended up crying down the phone to my boss (my BIG boss) who was so worried about me she even suggested trying to send my sister home from work early so i wouldn’t be alone.

i’ve always been an emotional person, meaning that i feel things deeply, but the past few months i have been regularly breaking down at work, i think i counted i have cried at work maybe 15 times this year already, whereas i was always someone who wouldn’t even cry in front of my parents. the whole of thursday i literally felt like a broken girl. the last couple of days i have felt a little brighter, and i didn’t cry at all yesterday, but i have these moments where all i can think about is the two of them together, and the jealousy almost drives me mad. it is literally unbearable. it was always something i feared, him seeing someone else, hearing on the grapevine that he was dating someone or talking to someone. thing is, he hasn’t been with anyone for like 2 years. he was in a relationship that lasted a couple of years and after she broke up with him he was heartbroken and hasn’t been with anyone since. so i didn’t expect to have to deal with the idea of him being into someone else so soon after having to deal with my own rejection from him.

after i told him how i felt, he said he was “only looking for friendship”. he also said “we might only ever be friends”. i tried to take this as he just simply didn’t want to be with *anyone* right now. that it wasn’t about *me*, it was about *him*. i didn’t think i’d have to deal with him being into somebody else. i mean maybe he isn’t; maybe he just likes this girl as a friend.

but then i still feel jealous, because i wasn’t friends with him like that. i would message him, he’d reply maybe once, but that would be it. i try to tell myself it’s because he knew i liked him and he didn’t want me to get the wrong impression by engaging in too much chat outside of work, but when i was IN work....he’d practically be all over me (not physically, but we would chat non-stop). the idea that he has a more “real” friendship with another girl at work makes me want to vomit. and the fact that she’s engaging in it, despite the fact she suspects he likes her, also is horrifying to me - especially when she was so brutal about his treatment of me, and didn’t hold back in saying she thought he’d “been a dick” for not handling the situation better with me (before i told him how i felt, and in the aftermath).

i pinned so much hope on something happening between me and this guy. while it caused me so much stress and anguish and confusion, not knowing how he felt and nothing really progressing for months, while there was hope i felt.....happy. i liked having that potential. i’ve never had that before. i’ve never felt like this about anyone before. it was so scary but it was also exciting, and the fact that everyone at work was rooting for us made it even more of a thrill.

but now....now i feel like i’ve not only lost someone i really care about, but i feel like i’ve lost my only real chance at a relationship. it’s hard around here to meet someone new, to get to know them, to become friends, with no pressure or expectations....to just see someone in the staff room at lunch time every day and gradually get to know them and develop a relationship. that is so rare. and the way i feel for him, and the way i fell for him, that was what i always wanted. and the idea that he might’ve felt the same was honestly.....it was everything to me. and i know that it’ll take years for me to get over him, because the only other guy i’ve kinda liked in the past, i was more sort of infatuated with....i liked him for about 5 years. maybe longer. and i didn’t know him or see him or care about him as much as i do tom. so i know that i’m screwed. people tell me someone else will come along, but probably not someone that i can get to know in that way, get to trust.....and the truth is, i don’t want anybody else. i just want him.

this whole situation has brought the worst out of myself. it has shattered the little bit of confidence i had. i have always felt inferior to other girls, and the idea that he might’ve liked me but then started to like somebody else more, is just so so painful. my jealousy is so ugly. even if he doesn’t like her in that way, i’m still jealous. i know i’m going to feel sick the next time i see either of them. i’m at a point where i’m considering finding a new job, which sucks because i have only been there 8 months and for the most part i’ve really enjoyed it. but the way this whole thing has made me feel.....i don’t know if i can handle it. i genuinely don’t know if i can do it. i don’t want to cry at work all the time. i don’t want people worrying that i’ve lost so much weight (i’ve lost a lot of weight recently as quite often i just can’t really eat much). i don’t want to be miserable.

it’s always been there. anyone who has paid any attention to this blog over the past god-knows how many years will know that i have these moments of real sadness and darkness. but generally i get over them, i get by, i’m okay. everyone has bad days. recently though, my bad days have been more frequent, and the sadness has been.....a lot. too much. like i said, crying at work. not just a few times, but a lot. in front of multiple different people. and i have dark thoughts. more than a few times recently i have thought “i really don’t want to be alive”. i have felt trapped in my own life, my own existence.....to be at this age and to have achieved nothing, to not have fulfilled the only very basic goals i had set in my life; to be in love, to have a family, to have children. i’m 29 now. people say i’m still young and in the grand scheme of things, yeah, i am. but i’m 29 and i don’t know what it’s like to be loved. i have never had a nice kiss. i have never been treated nice by a man. i have never been made to feel special. i have only ever felt worthless, like i’m not quite enough, and any rare moment i have had where i feel like i might be something more than that, those dreams have been shattered.

i’ve been confused as to whether i have depression, or whether i’m just depressed at the state of my life. i have spoken to people who are happy with their lives but are still depressed. so i don’t know if i have a chemical imbalance in my brain or whether i’m just miserable because i’m not where i thought i’d be at this age.

i know i have issues. there’s no question about that. i have never thought any different. i’ve considered going to the doctor and maybe getting some kind of therapy; a couple of friends have suggested that. but i’m scared. i’m really scared. i’m scared of it not working. i’m scared of myself and how low i feel. even the guy i like told my sister he was worried about me, worried about how hard i had taken this, and worried that i wouldn’t cope very well “in an actual relationship”. that honestly hit me so hard when i heard he’d said that. i told him in a message that there are things about me he doesn’t know which is why i have taken this so hard. but then what if he’s right??

i feel lost. i was talking to someone else at work the other day, someone who he himself is struggling a LOT at the moment (and has been for quite some time); i told him i felt like i was in a tunnel, and it’s really dark, and there’s no light at the end. like i’m trapped and i can’t see a way out and i’m scared. and this guy, he was like a little bit of light i could see in the distance. and i feel like i’ve always been in this tunnel, just sort of chugging along hoping to reach the end, but now there’s even less light, and i’m at a point where i can’t see myself getting to the other end. i can’t see any light, any hope, any way of really, truly feeling okay. i feel stuck. trapped.

all i see now is having to go back to work on tuesday knowing that the person who was meant to be my “light”, who was my only hope, potentially likes somebody else. he cares about another girl way more than he cares about me. and i know he wants us to be friends; he’s already said he misses our chats and that he’d seen me as “one of his best friends”. but that doesn’t feel real. it’s not enough. i don’t believe him because he has her. he doesn’t need me. and i just don’t know how i’m going to deal with it. i don’t know how to stomach it. and i’m choking up just writing this. i know i have no right to be jealous really, or to feel angry....but i resent this girl now. i want to rip into her. and i’m angry at him too because i feel like he’s just been waiting for this whole thing with me to kick off so that it can clear the way for him to have a crack at this other girl without having to feel bad. i feel like i’m disposable, like i’ve been replaced, like i was just....in the way this whole time. like he didn’t hang out with her because he knew i liked him and he knew i thought there was hope for us but instead of talking to me and shutting it down, he just waited for it all to implode. that’s how i feel. and it is horrendous. it’s sickening.

i don’t know what to do. i’m writing this because i don’t know what else to do. i’ve tried meditation (a total waste of time), i’ve tried confiding in people (which has helped only slightly), but at the end of the day i’m on my own with my thoughts and i am utterly fucked.

a lady i work with said maybe i’m not so hurt about him, i’m hurt about everything he represented, everything i want that i thought i might finally get. in a way i guess she’s right, and he was more than just some “guy”; i thought he could be my future. i thought he could be the answer. but it’s him too. it’s not just because he was there. i do honestly think i might love him. i don’t think i’d feel so fucked up about it all if i didn’t, if it was just some stupid crush. i know some people just jump from bloke to bloke or girl to girl and relationship to relationship, but that’s not me. i can’t do that.

i’m so lost. i’m so broken. i don’t know how to fix myself. at the start of the year i felt kinda positive, i felt like maybe i had a real shot at happiness.....i was in a new job i liked, with new friends, i felt part of this little community, i found this boy who i fell head over heels for....and now, four months in, i feel like i’ve lost everything. things are changing at work; people are leaving, we’re getting a new manager in my department, it’s all fallen apart with the guy i like.....a couple of months ago i’d be excited to go to work, but now i dread it. getting out of bed in the morning feels like the biggest effort, let alone going to work and making it through the day without bursting into tears.

i’m completely and utterly screwed.

#mine

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