thankyoudnp-blog

[thankyoudnp-blog]

Please Read

This is the only post that will ever be on this account, it’s a thank you to @danielhowell and Phil Lester (i don't know his tumblr sorry).  If you see this please read it, that would honestly mean the world to me.  Okay so you’ve made it this far I may as well start.  It started last summer when my dad started getting angrier and harder to control, he seemed like he hated me, my mom, and my brother.  It was torturous living with him and it sometimes still is despite him getting better.  I still have the sounds of my moms screams and cries from all the fights at 3am.  Anyways moving on since I have a lot and I don’t want to go into anymore detail, later that summer my mom passed out in the middle of the night after throwing up I didn’t know what was happening it was all a blur, all I remember is my the sounds of ambulances and my neighbor coming over to watch my brother and I.  Keep in mind I was only 11 when this happened, despite being an idiot I was still mature for my age and knew that something was wrong and it wasn’t just a cold.  Later on I went to the hospital to visit her, she stayed there for a week my parents didn't tell me anything about what the doctors said so still don't know this day.  I was starting middle school that week too and it was so difficult, I had began to develop depression and anxiety as well as an eating disorder after one of my brutally honest friends told me I was fat.  I’m still self conscious to this day and should be eating a lot more then I actually do but I'm working on it.  As for my anxiety and depression they continuously got worse and still are.  After a while I started cutting, I told my friends after a while and they all laughed.  They thought I was joking and I was trying so hard not to cry since my dad had always told me crying was weak when I was little (Im not realizing how fucked up that it, thanks dad you're an asshole) I sat there and tried to laugh along, no one noticed anything was wrong so I decided to vent over instagram, I didn't know how to block people so a toxic friend I had at the time saw my rant and yelled at me, saying my feelings weren't valid and that I wasn't the only one with problems. She said I shouldn't trust her or my friends and should go back to bottling up my emotions.  Soon enough I had gone through 6th grade, sure my depression was worse but I had better friends who I could trust and count on to make getting out of bed worth it again.  I constantly felt empty but with them I feel whole and somewhat happy.  That summer was even worse (the summer that just passed) I had a suicide attempt that no one knows about where i tried to overdose and failed miserably.  That summer I had found dan and phil, they made me happy when I felt nothing, they made me laugh and cry and helped to realize I shouldn't bottle things up, they were an inspiration to me and so many others, words can't express how much I love them both.  I went to see ii in LA this year and it made me so happy, they're the reason Im alive right now, they're still the only thing keeping me alive.  The thought that i might be able to tell them this in person one day is the only thing from killing myself right now.  So thank you dan and phil for helping me, you may never know who I am and thats okay I guess but I love you both so much you've made my life worth living.  If @danielhowell or phil happen to see this please dm me saying literally anything I don't even care if you leave me on read after, sorry I sound like a desperate fan but I can't help it I'm sorry if I sound creepy.  Anyways I'm still a mess but at least I have dan and phil. Theres a lot more to say so I might make one more post but I'm too emotionally exhausted to write it right now, thank you for reading this if you did though I doubt thats anyone.