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[thatsnotperiod-blog]

HOT DOG after what seems like and may actually be years of waiting I am watching Wolf Hall for free. 

It starts with the Good Stuff, which is to say 1529 when Henry VIII had succumbed to full-fledged Annulment Madness. Some intro text tells us this, and that Henry is sure all delays are Cardinal Wolsey’s fault. 

AND NOW THIS. Early in the morning, six riders are clomping up to York Place in London. Inside, a man I presume is Cromwell is watching the sunrise and lighting lamps. Jonathan Pryce in the role of Cardinal Wolsey prepares himself for a confrontation.

“Wolsey, you’re out!” is the first line uttered on this show. It’s not... as much of a humdinger as maybe they wanted. The guy uttering it is one of Lord Norfolk or Lord Suffolk, and considering that the latter of these two men was played by literally Henry Cavill on The Tudors, these two are disappointing. The point of the scene is that Norf and Suff are eager to bring down their enemy, and Wolsey is gracious, canny, and supported by the clever, loyal Thomas Cromwell. Meanwhile, Suffolk literally is breathing with his mouth open. 

But still the next morning the Yeomen of the Guard (kidding) are there packing up Wolsey’s shit so Mouth-Breathing: 1 Wolsey: 0. They punt off in a ... punt, I guess, and Wolsey is sticking up for King Henry graciously, while his men gripe about how it’s unfair. “Do you think it’s something about the English? They cannot see a great man set up but they have to pull him down?” Well Hilary Mantel certainly thinks so. 

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER. 

Anne Boleyn at a masked ball at the royal palace or whatever, where everybody is dressed as a virtue. This scene feels like a big fuck-you to The Tudors version of the exact same thing, all the women have their hair in bags, nobody’s shoulders are sticking out, there’s no grommets on anybody and the men are appropriately in tights and shoes. Joke’s on this show though, because no matter how smug they are about this costuming the end result is that this scene is full of people dressed like dopes. Also, Anne is dancing with Harry Percy and not Henry VIII. 

Wolsey is chewing out Anne’s dad for this dancing impropriety. He has a solution though: marry her off asap before anyone gossips. Ho hum, life in the past.

Speaking of life in the past, the same people who get worked up about grommets and snoods tend to get extremely worked up about lighting in period television, specifically, there is too much of it. With no ambient light and only so much physical space to put candles in, after the sun set people spent much of their time in extremely dark rooms. This show is really rubbing it in by showing us that Wolsey has only lit about half of the candles at his disposal, presumably because this is a business casual, semi-private meeting with a concerned father about how many boys his daughter hath given smooch to. The result is that the scene is dark though and I have to crank up the light on my laptop.

Cromwell is in the hallway and Thomas Boleyn tosses some Tudor insults (”butcher’s dog!”) at him on the way out, and Wolsey summons Cromwell in. There’s some obvious contrast with how in-charge and intimidating he looks behind his desk, compared to how nervous and flustered and pathetic he looked in the first scene and like, I get it, ok, point made. Wolsey is charmed by Cromwell as a fellow lowly origins success story, Cromwell is clearly looking at Wolsey and thinking that he wants what this guy has. “William Popely tells me I might find a use for you,” says Wolsey. “A man of many talents.” It’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

Cromwell arrives home. Like everything else at night, it’s dark as h e l l. His wife hands him a dog that I can’t even squint out in the goddamned candlelight, and they share a sweet moment where Cromwell says he’s hitching his wagon to Wolsey’s. She’s a little skeptical of his obvious excitement, he’s understanding and keeps scritching at the lil dog. They like each other. Cute!

Morning. Cromwell reads a letter from his son and helps his daughters with their breakfast homework (or whatever). He gets a package in the mail. It’s a Contraband English Bible for Sneaky Protestants, Illegal Edition. He gives it a soft sell to his wife, who blows him off, so he opens a regular ol Latin Bible for his youngest daughter, Grace. She traces the illuminations of angels and peacocks, an action that given the Tudor importance of symbology is in no way foreboding.

Cromwell kisses everybody within reach and runs off for his first day of work. Everybody on the way in has shit to say about his Humble Origins. Crom shows Wolsey a card trick. Wolsey explains that he just heard some Divorce Murmuring from King Henry. 

Wolsey remembers when Queen Catherine came over from Spain to marry Henry’s dead brother Arthur. The dialogue (just like in The Tudors) interacts interestingly with the ~source material. Like here Wolsey remembers how “[Catherine’s] red hair slid over her shoulder” when he first saw her. In the real world, a herald recording Catherine’s arrival in London described “her hair hanging down about her shoulders, which is fair auburn,” like it’s not a direct quote but it’s funny to think of everybody in Tudor times sitting there thinking the same thing: shit her hair’s down.  

They talk a little bit about how Catherine is taking the whole annulment thing (not well, and specifically she’s mad at Wolsey). Wolsey jokes that maybe the two of them will have to do card tricks for cash very soon. 

Throughout pretty much every one of his scenes, Cromwell is dropping little references to all the badass/regular crazy stuff he did in his Mysterious Wastrel Past and like, I can hear Hilary Mantel breathing heavily from here. Cromwell is an interesting person, but the way he can’t shut up in this show about the wild & crazy shit he got up to, especially in Italy, is like 2 much. "Once, in Italy, I held a snake for a bet,” he says, and everyone is like WHOA WHOA WHOA YOU ARE STONE COLD CRAZY TELL ANOTHER ONE. What does “held a snake” mean?

Back to 1529. Wolsey & Co are clattering up to Wolsey’s place of exile. Cromwell is shouting at everyone to get their asses in gear making the place hospitable for Wolsey, who looks pretty shitty. Everyone is sluggish and tired and it’s raining and dark, like the whole scene is just maximum depressing. 

Later, Cromwell helps Wolsey into bed. They joke like old friends, but are both clearly freaked out. “This is what they’ve waited for,” says Wolsey. “You should leave me. Gardiner has.” Cromwell takes his hand and is like, “Gardiner would.” Haha fuck that guy.  

Jonathan Pryce’s sad, tearful eyes look up at him. Cromwell grabs a lute player or someone on his way out and asks him to go play for Wolsey: “it might help him rest.” Lute Guy’s name is Mark, so I assume he’s Mark Smeaton. In this show, he’s a dick, because the next morning Cromwell walks in on him predicting Wolsey’s downfall and death, and claiming that he’s getting sent to “the Lady Anne” so 100% confirmed for Smeaton.

Next scene, Cromwell at a dinner party with Antonio Bonvisi, a merchant and frequent More correspondent. The scene is like literally pitch black. I can’t see shit. The whole room gets quiet when Cromwell arrives, and he zeroes in on Sir Thomas More, telling him to continue with whatever smack he was talking about Wolsey. Bonvisi is like, a little annoyed with everyone trying to start shit, and introduces the new Spanish ambassador, Eustace Chapuys. Chapuys leans over to More and starts bad-mouthing Cromwell, but Cromwell makes it awkward by calling him out. More says Wolsey is greedy. Cromwell says More is greedy and also a hypocrite. Bonvisi is like “.......how is everybody’s herring.”

On the way out, Bonvisi dishes out some friendly advice about Wolsey: “Leave him now.” 

Cut to the past, but less, “eighteen months before Wolsey’s fall,” the Holy Roman Empire is rampaging everywhere and has taken the pope prisoner. 

Wolsey is pumped because he has a plan: while the pope is not home he’ll convene all the cardinals in France and, in the course of being the interim government of the Catholic Church, slap a quick annulment on Henry. They talk a little bit about Anne Boleyn. Wolsey glibly Underestimates Her. His downfall has begun!

Home. Crom’s wife urges him to visit his father. His youngest daughter wanders in, wearing angel wings made out of peacock feathers. Just like the pictures she was looking at in that bible a bunch of scenes ago! The peacock, of course, is a common symbol of immortality but I’m sure this is not foreboding. Bedtime. Grace knocks on the door, claiming that she’s too warm. She’s still wearing her peacock angel wings. Crom sends her off, watching her wander down the hallway in her angel wings, you know, normal non-foreboding stuff. 

A scary part: Cromwell is off to work, chatting with his wife who’s still in bed. He takes off down the stairs, and then catches a glimpse of her on the landing. He turns around to tell her to go back to bed, but she’s.... not there. He looks everywhere, freaked out. It’s worth noting that he gallumphed and creaked down his old-ass stairs, and she didn’t make a sound.

He heads off anyway, to a quick Secret Protestant meeting where he warns everybody about Thomas More.

Then he heads home. It’s still light. His servants meet him at the door; his wife is dead. Cromwell sits tearfully on her bed. Someone rushes in to tell them that his daughters are dying too, and then they kind of...do. After that it’s still just the middle of the day so Cromwell is stuck looking at his garden. 

New day. Wolsey’s plan for a conclave didn’t work. Wolsey has a new plan: a papal envoy authorized to rule in the pope’s staid. His confidence in the plan seems a little manic; Cromwell is clearly bummed out that his whole family died.

He wanders over to a blacksmith, and has a flashback to his own childhood of having the bejeezus kicked out of him by his father (a blacksmith). And oh shit, it IS his father! He’s still a blacksmith and still mean. Like a real dick. Cromwell had been holding a hammer when he walked up; he puts it down. Cute horse, though. 

Next day he formally adopts his nephew. Apparently he has some other son wandering around somewhere but I assume we’ll get to him later. So, recap of remaining live Cromwells: Cromwell, Richard Cromwell (former nephew), Gregory Cromwell (off-screen), Unnamed Father Cromwell, Unnamed Sister Cromwell. 

And now for the legatine court! Queen Catherine testifies, and since it’s like, a matter of historical record every Queen Catherine in all of television (as well as the Shakespeare play) says the same words, “I was a true maid, without touch of man, and whether this is true or no, I put to your conscience.” 

King Henry blinks. Then they do the rest of the stuff, some crusty old guy tells the “last night I was in Spain” story, the crowd is weird, Cromwell looks grossed out. In the hallway, the Iron Bank of Braavos guy delivers news that the Pope has signed a treaty with the Holy Roman Empire so Wolsey is complete toast.

1529 again. Wolsey totters around in his garden looking pathetic. Cromwell off to visit Anne Boleyn. Mark Smeaton is there, and he’s still a dick. He’s not even playing his lute, just standing around like a dud. 

Anne is yelling at a curly little pup who runs to greet Cromwell. He scoops it up. She tries to snob him and he just stares back. She calls him “Cremuel” for like, reasons of her own. He argues that Wolsey is the only person who can get Henry an annulment. She thinks about it and decides she still hates Wolsey. Her sister, Mary, catches Cromwell on the way out and they talk a little good-natured shit about Anne. In fact all of her ladies are giving him sympathetic looks. He determines that things are grim for Wolsey, and that he needs to do more to speak up for him. 

He goes to talk with Norfolk, who tells him his chances of getting back in Parliament are not great, and talks more about Cromwell’s Humble Origins like, we get it. They have one of those weird, friendly conversations about how they don’t like each other that only men over the age of 40 in period television can have. It’s like they’re too genre-savvy to cooperate, the scoundrels!

Audience with Henry time! Henry’s still mad that Crom voted against war with France, and wants to yell about that. So he does! They talk a little bit about war with France and under what circumstances it could be a little cheaper. Then Henry’s like, “Master Cromwell, your reputation is bad,” and Cromwell is like shruggo. Henry asks why he won’t defend himself, and Cromwell’s like, “your majesty can form your own opinions” which is just exactly what Henry likes to hear. “I will,” he says. 

Cromwell comes back to Wolsey’s old apartment or whatever at court and has the painting guys paint in his coat of arms brighter. The end! Damn??

[thatsnotperiod-blog]

television. pilot. bbc’s jonathan strange and mr norrell is my favorite show i’ve never seen because its whole thing is making an interesting concept (magic) boring by piling on a regency setting, academia, and early 19th century british nationalism. 

Starts out with a raven. It seems hungry! Some guy is putting water and some other dumb crap (is that a broken pen?) in a bowl while his servants watch. He looks like a nerd. The magic didn’t work. But is he in want of a wife? 

He kind of bumbles out to a side street, and, TITLE. 

Sidestreet bumbler bumbles on past a bookstore and is observed in a sinister way by a man who looks really, really similar to him, but is actually a totally separate man. BBC original series are perilous like this. The sinister man is just getting a book so it’s fine though. Ah, Book People. 

Then a narrator tells me that, “Some years ago there was in York a society of magicians. They met on the third Wednesday of every month, and read each other long, dull papers upon the history of English magic.” The narrator is a dumb idea but just the phrase “dull papers” has my heart pounding. This narration is cut with Our Hero bumbling up to one such meeting, attended by the Most British-Looking Men Available, many in wigs. 

Our Hero is revealed to be an anxious-voiced dilettante called Mr Segundus and he wants to know, “Why is magic no longer done in England?” and his question is greeted with derision, which tells me a couple things, in order 1. that magic may be done elsewhere but certainly is not in France, because if the French were doing magic, Horatio Nelson would be doing it too 2. that magic is probably alive and well in Scotland 3. Mr Segundus must not be in want of a wife as clearly he is not in possession of a good fortune and Mrs Bennet will have to turn her sights elsewhere! 

Mr Segundus gets cornered outside by a man who introduces himself as Honeyfoot (lol) and it’s Brian Pettifer, one of the Several Actors of Britain! He was Couthon in that 2009 French Revolution movie, Mr Raggles in Vanity Fair, Wheeler in To the Ends of the Earth, Poupart (not Poptart) in the Musketeers, and many other things (Growler in Bleak House, Boycott in Garrow’s Law)! Good to see you, Brian Pettifer!

Anyway Honeyfoot (lol) is like, Mr Segundus I agree with you, people should be doing magic. But apparently the books about how to do it are super rare -- even in York! They hit up a book store, and seems like Segundus tried to reserve some magic books but the asshole store owner sold them already. Segundus, visibly deflated, asks if the guy has anything on “the nature of clouds” which, jesus, being a gigantic nerd in the 19th century is so fucking bleak if clouds is your fallback. OMG it was a ruse! While the guy is off looking for cloud books, Segundus hops over the counter and snatches the cash sheet to “find the devil who keeps swiping my books!”

Someone named Norrell, they discover, is the devil in question. They hop in a carriage to go find him. They talk magic on the way there, and Segundus says he bought a nonfunctional spell from a street magician who threw in a free prophecy: “Magic will be returned to England by two magicians.” 

Honeyfoot (lol) is like, “We are two magicians. John Segundus and Mr Honeyfoot (lol)” which is the same construction as the title of the show but ... not ... the right guys. Turns out the street magician set expectations already and Segundus shoots him down. RIP, John Segundus & Mr Honeyfoot, the Show That Never Was. 

They arrive at Mr Norrell’s pad and are admitted by the Sinister Bookstore Guy from earlier. Mr Norrell is a grouchy alpha nerd who has read Segundus’s publications but wants to throw out some criticism anyway. Segundus and Honeyfoot geek sweetly over Norrell’s library. Segundus repeats his question again and the camera zooms hard on Mr Norrell, who says, “It is a wrong question, sir. Magic is not ended in England. I myself am quite a tolerable practical magician.”

! O H S H I T !

Back at the York Society of Extremely British Men, this assertion is shouted down as “absolute tripe.” They decide that they’ll write to Norrell and ask him to show them some magic or shut up. 

York Minster. Nighttime. The Society approaches the front steps, observing that it’s the hour and place appointed but Norrell has clearly chickened out. 

“Mr Norrell concedes defeat!” says their beefiest guy. 

But then Sinister Bookstore guy (his name is Childermass, and I guess he’s Norrell’s servant) appears saying no, Norrell doesn’t concede shit, he’ll just be working from home today, and also he wants everybody to sign a contract promising they will no longer call themselves magicians if he succeeds at magic. Everybody signs, except Segundus, who is like “magic is my life u can’t take it.” Bleak.

Meanwhile Mr Norrell is doing a typical work-from-home where he’s watching Real Housewives of New Jersey in his PJs. Just kidding, he’s waving his hands over a bowl of water. How do people in this show keep themselves from accidentally doing magic while shaving?

The Society wanders into York Minster. Childermass, building his character, finds stuff to lean against. Bells chime.

And then, MAGIC! Some of the carvings at the top of the clustered columns in the nave are talking, and it is real creepy because they’re talking about a murder they witnessed, until the camera gets up there and they look like Statler and Waldorf. The York Society are all freaking out. 

Cut to the rood screen, which of course features statues of all the kings of England and they’re bickering. OK. There’s a Richard III joke which I tepidly laughed at. A carving of a woman with a harp is singing, and a statue of a former archbishop (as York Minster is, in fact, actually a cathedral) yells at Beefy in Latin.

Then the magic is over. Norrell, at home, collapses back in his chair, because a WFH day also involves a lot of early booze. The York Society is invigorated, then sad because they all signed the We’re Not Magicians paper. 

The next day, the York Society of No Longer Magicians is taking down all their signs (lol) while Childermass, building his character, leans back in their chairs and smokes. Segundus says he’s just happy that “magic is restored to England” but then, Segundus didn’t sign shit. 

“Do you think,” Segundus asks Childermass, “Mr Norrell would be offended if I wrote to the London newspapers of this?”

Childermass is like, yes he would be offended, but do it anyway: “I rather think my master has hidden his talent long enough. It’s time for him to take his place, and London is where I will take him.” 

OK then Mr. World’s Worst Press Secretary. 

Meanwhile! Elsewhere! A man rides a horse while Charlotte Riley (!) attends church. Horse Guy is bugging Charlotte Riley from the window, and she hilariously ignores him, but meets him on the way out. 

He’s listing the ways he has reformed himself for her, not playing cards, not flirting with anybody in Brighton (but the Bennets might be there!) not drinking as much, etc. His name is Jonathan, hers is Arabella, and apparently they are in love. All Arabella wants from him is for him to find “a way to occupy [his] time” instead of “perpetual holiday.” 

He gets on one knee, missing the point and saying that he sees he must act. 

“Jonathan,” she says. “Do not act. Think.”

The camera zooms to him to imply that this has not occurred before. 

*** IT’S DAD TIME ***

Jonathan is apparently being prevented from having any occupation by his Mean Old Dad, who tortures the servants and harangues his son for being useless. He sounds like the Mean Old Dad from Moulin Rouge a little.

But it gets worse! “You have proven yourself a failure at everything you have done,” says Mean Old Dad, “and you will have no assistance finding an occupation while I am yet living.”

Yikes! Later. 

Jonathan -- It’s Jonathan Strange, ok, it’s him, the other guy in the show -- is getting a drink with Arabella’s brother and probably venting about his Mean Old Dad. And, yep, there it is: “My father delights in torturing me, as he tortures his servants ... as he tortured my mother.” Wow, that’s the same word I used like two paragraphs up!

“All I’ve ever truly wished for was your sister,” says Strange, clearly thinking that is a sweet thing to say instead of a gross one. Arabrother leaves, and Strange empties a flask into his cup. wellllllllp.

Morning. Hangover. Someone is rapping at the chamber door. Strange’s servants are here to get him because his Mean Old Dad is locked in his office. Turns out he’s mean old dead!

Funeral. Strange triumphant. He wonders how long he should wait before asking Arabella to marry him. 

London! Norrell and Childermass in a carriage, reading Norrell’s press clips. He is causing Quite a Stir, which apparently is his intention, or Childermass’s. Norrell is pissed off that London is loud and expensive and that his WSJ crosshatch portrait isn’t flattering. OK, guy. They pass by a street magician who is talking about “the Raven King��� and then gives Norrell the world’s weirdest stare. Norrell bitches that street magicians give the practice of magic an “such an appalling name” and Childermass does a stage mom thing where he tells Norrell that he is the only one who has any real talent and the future of his art depends on him: “This is what you have worked for. This is your great opportunity. If all goes well here, when folk think of a magician...”

“...They will think of myself,” says Norrell, with chilling self-reverence. Childermass gives him a little more pep talk and sends him out of the carriage. What -- what kind of dynamic did I just watch? 

New scene. Parliament. Somebody’s yelling, and -- is that Samuel West?! -- and Samuel West (!) is looking bored. Nobody told me Samuel West was in this show! Wow! Samuel West. 

Norrell is wandering boringly through the halls. 

Turns out Samuel West is the target of the parliamentary harangue (which is, from what I understand of Actual Parliament, just punching the clock for these guys) and has the decency to look a little ashamed of it. His name in the show is Sir Walter Pole, not Samuel West. He stands to rebut, and does so with all the sneering, grandstanding, and rhetorical posturing that constitute the parliamentary equivalent of “slow Monday.”

He tosses a zinger to the opposition leader on his way out, and Norrell tries to lobby him in the, uh, lobby. But Sir Walter just scoots into his office, and one of his servants shuts the door in Norrell’s face. The servant says, he knows Norrell has an appointment, but can they move the meeting to Chez Sir Walter instead of the office? 

Scene change. Chez Sir Walter. There’s a lady there who tries to snob Norrell, and it works until she hits on an academic subject. They discuss “fairy servants” and Norrell explains that fairies are trouble-with-a-capital-t-and-that-rhymes-with-p-and-that-stands-for-pool. 

The servant/scheduler from earlier is handing out tea, and we learn that his name is Stephen. 

Norrell states his intention: to use magic to help in the war. Sir Walter is totally snowed by this, and thinks maybe magic could be used to clean up uniforms or like, entertain people maybe? He Doesn’t Get It. Norrell, clearly the IT guy of his day, heaves a sigh.

There’s a young woman coughing pathetically and curled up on a chaise longue in the background, and Sir Walter introduces her as his fiancée Emma, like it’s totally normal to be this sick in somebody’s living room. Norrell is very surprisingly sweet to her, and she says she’s pretty into magic. Norrell suggests hot tea with lemon and nutmeg for her cough. Sir Walter kicks him out with a lecture: “Magic is not respectable. The government cannot meddle in such things.” OK.

“How’d it go?” says Childermass, back in the carriage.

“Very well,” says Norrell, on the verge of tears. I’m not letting go of the stage mom analogy because it seems to get more and more on the nose. Norrell notices they’re not going home, and Childermass says nope, they’re going Lady Godstone’s house: “It’s a soiree.”

“A party?” says Norrell, looking devastated. “I wish to go home and read a book.”

Norrell at a party. It’s like those MBTI specialized hells, and this is INTJ hell. It’s crowded, people are laughing, and Norrell doesn’t know anyone, but they’re all gossiping about him. Norrell escapes INTJ Hell and shuts himself in the host’s library, or INTJ Heaven. Ah, dichotomy. 

After a minute of Alone Time with Books, Norrell is interrupted by two Party People. Party Guy 1 is harassing the Party Guy 2, apparently the host, about how Norrell was promised, but no magic seems to have been did. “That gentleman is reading a book!” he says, of Norrell, to demonstrate how boring and amagical the party is. 

Norrell interrupts them and kind of says hi I’m the guy you’re talking about. They both recover awkwardly. Party Guy 2 introduces himself as Drawlight, and Party Guy 1 as Lascelles. Drawlight tries to drag Norrell out to introduce him to people and Norrell slips out the back. 

He’s met at outside by like the street magician from earlier, who says some creepy stuff to him: “You think yourself a very fine fellow, hoarding books like a miser hoards gold. But I have a book you won’t find in your library, or any other.”

Norrell tries to get back inside, but the doors have locked behind him. 

“It’s written by the Raven King,” says the creepy guy. Norrell makes the face I make when someone tells me they saw a spider in their shower five years ago, which is to say absolute living nightmare horror. “And it tells me all about you.”

Creepy Guy introduces himself as Vinculus, magician of Threadneedle Street, so abruptly that Norrell almost pees. He goes on that Norrell’s coming was foretold, and while he’s doing this he’s leaning in and menacing him in like, kind of an overboard way? 

Norrell scoots away and, feeling safer, snottily shouts that magic can’t tell the future and only total hacks make prophecies. He undermines this by continually yelling for Childermass. 

Vinculus keeps going: Two magicians will appear in England, one will be Fearfulness and one will be Arrogance. Some stuff will happen, both will fail, some other stuff. Norrell is stuck on the two magicians thing. Vinculus wanders off, and Norrell shouts for Childermass again. He looks really scared! 

Back Chez Norrell, Childermass is trying to calm Norrell down, and asks what Vinculus wanted. Norrell hysterics that he mentioned a book, “and if he does have a book, I want it, and then I want to go home to Yorkshire.” 

Childermass plays hardball: “Do you wish to make a success of this, or do you not?”

New Day. Childermass watches Vinculus sell spells on the street. Norrell meets Drawlight and Lascelles in his house and, surprise surprise, they want a favor, to be the guys who get credit for discovering him. Norrell is refusing, he doesn’t want to attend parties or do dumb stuff, he wants to go home.

Meanwhile, Vinculus and Childermass are talking brass tacks about whether Norrell will get Vinculus’s book. Childermass chooses an odd method of intimidation by like, threateningly whipping out some tarot cards to tell Vinculus’s fortune. I mean, if that’s worked before... Vinculus tries to one-up him by telling Norrell’s fortune. Is this like, a tarot duel? Vinculus has turned all the cards to kings, and says it means that “the Raven King is coming.” Childermass is pissed that his cards are all messed up now. I know!

Chez Norrell. On their way out, Drawlight and Lascelles gleefully mention that Sir Walter’s fiancée is dead. Well, she was pretty sick. Norrell starts to mutter about how hard it is to bring someone back from the dead. Drawlight transparently eggs him on. 

“I will need to send for more books,” says Norrell. He’s so into this plan! 

New scene. Jonathan Strange finds some peasants doing something poor, and rides up to interfere. They explain that they’ve found a magician sleeping under the hedge. What? Sure. It’s Vinculus. 

Vinculus wakes up, stares right at Jonathan, and gives him the two magicians, Fear and Arrogance, speech while stumbling around. Jonathan Strange looks very confused. He’s also holding a large stick for reasons that are obscure to me. Vinculus tells Strange that he is destined to become a great magician. Strange pokes him with his stick and tells him to choose someone else, because it sounds like being a magician sucks. Still, he buys two spells from Vinculus, probably because a nice patrician power move is to condescendingly buy someone’s wares. 

That night at dinner, Strange is telling Arabella about his big plan for the farm he’s inherited, and she laughs at him because the plan is bad.

“Very well, I’m going to study magic,” he says. Arabella and her brother are shocked. They all look at the spells and Strange decides to like, do one, right there at the table. It’s a spell to discover what your enemy is doing presently. It works, and Strange sees a stranger, apparently his enemy, in a mirror. 

“Good magicians conjure up fairy spirits and long-dead kings,” says Strange. “I appear to have summoned the spirit of a banker.” It’s Mr Norrell. Ha!

London, Norrell. He arrives at Sir Walter’s house with a huge book. Sir Walter gives him access to the room where Poor Dead Emma is like, dead. Norrell shuts them out, alone with the corpse, and opens his book, looking terrified. 

There’s silence, and something rattles, and a man with Ziggy Stardust hair and huge eyebrows appears. He’s also got a synthed voice and a weird jacket that I can’t pause on to figure out. He is clearly a fairy, and Norrell clearly summoned him, and he acknowledges that Norrell is destined to return magic to England. He does some back and forth about “what do I get if I resurrect this woman.” He wants to help Norrell and get credit, Norrell wants him to do this one quick necromancy and never be summoned again. The fairy does the old “maybe I will take my business to your competitor” and Norrell freaks out: “There is no other magician.”

“Of course there is another magician,” says the fairy. “He is your dearest friend in all the world.”

“I have no friends,” says Norrell. I laugh. He asks the fairy again if he can do the necromancy. 

The fairy says, if he gets half of Emma’s life, it’s on. Norrell looks sad, but then he asks if they should sign something. The fairy is like no, I’ll just take something of Emma’s. The shadow of his hand stretches over her. Yikes!

Cut to Drawlight and Lascelles hanging out downstairs. They hear a woman scream. Double yikes! Everybody runs upstairs and Emma is fighting her way out of her funeral shroud. Triple yikes! Her mother points out that half of her little finger on her left hand is missing. Quadruple yikes! She brushes it off, looking out of it, and asks Sir Walter to dance with her. 

Norrell zombie-walks out to his carriage. Quintuple yikes!

Until next time, Favorite Show!

[thatsnotperiod-blog]

television. pilot. im finally watching the bbc's THE MUSKETEERS because, even though i haven't seen any of the film adaptations, i stand by a firm belief that if anyone was born to write for television and party it was Dumas (père).

LET'S SEE.

Beginning: Young guy and a dad on horses. Almost immediately the older guy reveals himself to be the father (d'Ad) of d'Artagnan and is robbed and murdered by a group of masked men of whom one claims to be "Athos of the King's Musketeers." Yikes! What?! Yikes! In the original version d'Artagnan leaves home alone and gets beaten up with a spoon for being a teenager. This show opens cold with Dad Stuff so you know it's serious about staying on television.

Goofy credits. A new guy wakes up in the world's most depressing room, clearly hungover. I know, guy, I know. He grumps about it and staggers around. I identify with this character. Then he gets a bucket of ice water and dunks his head in before pulling his shit together extremely fast and leaving for, I guess, work. I no longer identify with this character.

Actually he's going to a bar, not work, where someone he knows is playing a card game for money against someone who doesn't matter. This early? There's some Period Garbage Banter about cheating at cards which reveals Hangover Guy to be Athos and Cards Guy to be Porthos. OK. They're wondering where Aramis is but the show knows, Aramis is having a very weird morning after conversation with someone named Adele where she is like "mmm where did u get these scars" which i guess is a common 17th century sext. But then, oh no, her boyfriend is coming home, so Aramis has to jump out the window. Her place is on the second floor, which is extremely period appropriate! More on this never.

Boyfriend comes in and he's Cardinal Richelieu, portrayed by Peter Capaldi, one of the Several Actors of Britain. He is wearing a completely bananas outfit made entirely of leather. Welcome to the 1600s!?

OK back to musketeers. They are also, I now realize, wearing outfits made Entirely of Leather so you know it's one of Those BBC Shows which is out to prove that your dumb ass thought the past was all hey nonny nonny but NO the mean streets of the past were grim and gritty and badass and there was no fabric AT ALL. 

Tréville (who is in charge of the musketeers) comes out and his first line is "You three. My office," so maybe he is also Mr. Feeny.

Tréville tells the guys that someone "engaged on the King's business" went missing in Chartres, so they have to get there fast and find out what happened. There appears to be a half-eaten bagel on his desk.

D'Artagnan is getting his First Place in Paris, which is a total shithole for which he will pay 20 sous a month and will use a "communal towel." That's like 20 cents, but it does suck and it's the 17th century so OK.

Louis XIII! He's shooting birds while his wife, Anne of Austria (in the Hapsburg sense), looks bored and bummed out that he's so entertained by shooting birds, which is a nice little parable. He's also having a conversation with Tréville and Richelieu, where Richelieu is like "musketeers are on a rampage" (pretty much how Dumas introduces them is "constant rampage" so I’m on his side) and Tréville says "my men are professional soldiers" very defensively which, yikes, do I not want to watch the Three Musketeers be professional soldiers, like what’s the point? 

"I never knew such a loyal and law-abiding body of men," says Anne, which is such a totally bonkers statement that I am worried that the show maybe did not do the reading? Or maybe the point is that Anne has never met a musketeer? Richelieu asks for an "inquiry" into this lawlessness and Louis agrees. Louis XIII is famous for introducing the wig to historical fashion.

Ok downstairs at his new place, d'Artagnan watches a Fancy Lady and her Fat Companion come in. The woman, who is obviously Milady, sorry, asks for a room and a “bath that no one has used already.” History is gross! Fat Guy gets into a fight with d'Artagnan and is like "we'll settle this at breakfast!" which is a funny way to challenge someone to a duel, because he didn’t say “at breakfast time” just literally “at breakfast” like will they fight with croissants?

Richelieu and Adele! Richelieu has a headache because his job is hard, and whenever I hear Historical Characters go on about Historical Politics I'm thankful we have siloing: "The King is a petulant child, the regions refuse to be governed, the treasury is as good as bankrupt, and I'm obliged to spend half my time dealing with the indiscipline of the musketeers!" Adele gives him a look that says she too is obliged to spend half her time dealing with musketeers, zing.

Meanwhile in d'Artagnan's d'Apartment, Milady corners him in a stairwell, steals his gun, and they smooch. Why not, I guess. He wakes up the next morning there is a bloody dagger in his pillow, presumably because Milady has discovered that the d'Apartment features a "communal towel." Someone is screaming though, and it's because Fat Guy is dead in the bath down the hall, probably having murdered himself to avoid the communal towel. D'Artagnan, who is a moron, wanders into the scene holding the aforementioned bloody dagger so obviously he has to run.

A bunch of people are after him, so he find a random lady and pulls the old "let's kiss so they avoid me" which she objects to by grabbing a knife out of a bucket o' knives and waving it at him. He d'Apologizes, and then very weirdly passes out next to a table of baguettes (it's France you see). A bunch of chickens cluck in alarm and three women appear with baskets full of baguettes and kind of shrug like, not another one. I can’t count all the baguettes in this scene but there have to be more than fourteen. 

D’Artagnan wakes up in Mystery Woman's house, and immediately pops out of bed because he has an "appointment with the musketeer Athos." He's rude to her and apologizes, asking what her name is. It's Constance Bonacieux, so I guess this is the new d'Apartment! He gives her a kind of sweet goodbye and wobbles off. She looks after him fondly like, enjoy your TBI.

Three Musketeers arrive back at Musketeer Basecamp on identical black horses. Wow, just like the books! D'Artagnan d'Arrives right behind them and gives Athos the Inigo Montoya speech word for word. Athos is like you’re crazy but he’s down to fight about it anyway. They do! Eventually Athos gets bored and gives an "I don't want to kill you but could" talk before walking away, but d'Artagnan throws his d'Agger after Athos and shouts about "FIGHT ME" in an incredibly British way. Aramis is like "the man said no" and Porthos is like, also there for backup, so d'Artagnan decides he'll fight all three of them. Follow your dreams, d’Artagnan!

Happily before he gets murdered to smithereens, Constance shows up and starts yelling at the musketeers not to kill him. Apparently she knows Athos somehow. Did I miss how? I don't think so? Maybe he gets his ... leather outfits ... made chez Bonacieux? Tréville shows up next, all sad, and says Athos is getting arrested. Things have taken a turn!

At his trial for the Crimes He Didn’t Commit, Cardinal Richelieu accuses Athos of "assault, highway robbery, and murder" of which the latter two, I am sure, are 17th century crimes. King Louis agrees and says that they gotta make an example, execute Athos at dawn. Athos makes a face that might be surprise or sadness? I get it, though, dawn is pretty early.

Tréville goes after the King, and says 1. don't kill Athos and 2. something happened to a musketeer named Cornet who was couriering a private letter for the King in Chartres. King Louis blows him off on point 1 but almost cries hearing about point 2, saying it's crucial that "the Cardinal must not know about those letters!" Oh my god was he talking shit? Tréville relays this information to Aramis and Porthos: "If you want to help Athos, find Cornet." I guess because it’ll make the king happy with them and then he’ll let their friend go.

Awkward scene with the Bonacieux...es. I hope I never have to pluralize that name again. The point is that M. and Mme. Bonacieux are bandaging up d'Artagnan when 2/3 of 3 Musketeers almost break down their door.

They tell d'Artagnan that their friend is accused of (and I quote) Crimes He Didn't Commit, and d'Artagnan is the only one who can help him, which he can do while getting Justice for his d'Ad. Constance is weirded out by how readily he agrees to help them but obviously she does not understand human nature which states explicitly that D'Artagnan would literally die to pledge this frat.

2/3 Musketeers + d'Artagnan ride for what I assume is not-quite-Chartres, while Athos gets taken to maybe the Conciergerie in handcuffs. 2/3 Musketeers + d'Artagnan dig up a guy d'Artagnan shot in the first scene, and they determine 1. the dead guy is NOT a musketeer and 2. but he stole Cornet's uniform and is wearing it, dead. Rude!

Meanwhile in prison, a priest comes by for Athos to confess. "There was a woman, she died by my hand, I loved her," he starts, and then gets super glum and chases the priest away with some trash like "don't waste your time with me" Seriously!? You gloomy fuck. Come on. The priest is as bummed out as I am and kind of sneaks away. Cut to a memory/dream of someone's hand (gotta be Athos, right) holding blue flowers and approaching a woman in a blue dress (gotta be SPOILER, just kidding, this story was written over 300 years ago, it's Milady). It’s shot in this way that makes me want to loop it on vine. 

Meanwhile! Richelieu congratulates Milady for framing Athos for Crimes He Didn't Commit, stating the reason for the setup is "striking a deadly blow to [the musketeers'] morale" which is objectively a dumb reason. Richelieu gives her a little shit for murdering Fat Guy, now known as "the Spanish traitor Mendoza" and she shrugs it off, giving him what Mendoza had on him, letters with the King's seal. Oh no! It's The Letters! The important letters that the Cardinal must not know about! But now he's going to know about them!

He fills us in: "the King has come to believe he can rule without me, so I'm stealing his letters." He says all these plans very confidently but they sound stupid? Maybe it's just me. If it's a period drama and you have a political plot that is not "open the secret hinged ring and poison the wine at the dinner party" maybe I'm just not capable of understanding it. 

Then he gives Milady the gun Aramis left in Adele's room, and asks Milady to find out who owns it like she’s the crime lab. Why can't he believe Adele bought her own gun? This guy, jesus.

Back with 2/3 Musketeers + d'Artagnan, they find Cornet and two other guys, and surprise surprise they're dead and missing uniforms. 2/3 Musketeers are upset by this, but then Porthos finds a Spanish Dubloon like, just there in the snow. He says they're incredibly rare in Paris (something I don't believe) and yet this one is the second one he's seen this week. Could it be? Chekhov's Gold Coin??? It is! It's the coin he won gambling this morning from one of the Cardinal’s guards! This is the 17th century equivalent of "the pollen we found on his shoe grows in only one place in the world!"

Speaking of the guards, Richelieu is nagging King Louis about "war with Spain is inevitable" which, if you read the events of history as inevitable to the times that precede them, is a true statement. King Louis doesn't totally agree but then his voice gets wobbly and he admits: "I wrote some letters to my brother-in-law, the King of Spain." Oh no! The letters! That the Cardinal must not know about! "They discussed the terms of a peace treaty." Now that you’ve told him about them, the Cardinal knows about the letters for sure!

King Louis admits that the letters are kind of uhm ... missing, and Richelieu goes into full Manipulation Mode and starts shouting about how calamitous it is, "if the King's minister is seen to pursue one policy in public, while pursuing another in private!" which, I guess, was that bad in the 17th century? Because now we just say "politics." Still, Louis buys it, and especially when Richelieu says that he'll have to resign forever. King Louis breaks into codependent tears and begs him to stay, promising he will do whatever Richelieu wants. I don't understand why Richelieu doesn't take this moment to say "war with Spain."

Instead cut to Porthos entering the bar from his intro scene, looking for "Dujon" who is the guard he won Chekhov's Gold Coin from, and who is also conveniently there. They fight a little, and Dujon wakes up in a barn with a bag on his head, with 2/3 Musketeers saying threatening shit to him. Dujon and Aramis have the same beard stylist. 2/3 Musketeers good cop/bad cop him while he says stuff like "I was just following orders" and d'Artagnan looks on in, I guess, is this emotion d'Admiration?

Porthos ties Dujon up to a post while the latter blubs, and, this is a musketeers with Actual Muskets show because Aramis is loading one up and talking about the stuff it does (shoot, hurt you) before lighting the fuse (lol) and taking aim from like, four feet away. Yikes, Aramis!? I miss when the other guys would be like "we have to go do adventures" and Aramis would have to stay home because he had an essay due in the morning. I guess this is Darker for TV. He fires, and Dujon flinches, but nothing happens! Porthos leans in and whispers "bang" and because I am watching this with Dutch subtitles I am obligated to point out that the Dutch word for "bang" is "knal." Onomatopoeias are so weird! Turns out they were just doing that to be scary. Dujon sobs out that "Gaudet" (his commander) made him do it, which he technically already said with "following orders." D'Artagnan gets in his face with WHO MURDERED MY FATHER?? It was also Gaudet! That guy sucks! Dujon shares where Gaudet can be found (at work) and they all go to get him.

In order to take Gaudet alive and get back the musketeer uniforms which will prove that Athos was framed, "we need a distraction," decide 2/3 Musketeers, as it becomes more and more clear that Athos probably does their plans for them usually. So maybe they had siloing back then too.

"I know something that might work" says d'Artagnan, and his plan is to add Constance to the mix (good!) dressed up like a prostitute (bad!) so she can Distract the Guards. What? He just comes up with that?  I appreciate that his spirit may be "include Constance" but this is a bad way to include her? 

Anyway, it works, surprise, and, to her credit, Constance is extremely grouchy about it. D'Artagnan kind of d'Apologizes to her, and she tells him she's "doing this for Athos" because again, I guess she knows him. He tells her to hide out in safety and gives her a pistol in case she needs it.

2/3 Musketeers + d'Artagnan effectively sneak in and get ready to take the guards, guns blazing. Since it is the 17th century, this looks Extremely Goofy. They have to keep blowing on their fuses to keep them lit. A 17th century musket was not a good Sneaking Weapon? They sneak up to Gaudet, and Aramis is like "wait for my signal, surprise is everything" at which point d'Artagnan runs out shouting bloody murder at Gaudet for killing his d'Ad. He and Gaudet fence and discuss this murder, but frankly it pales in the memory of Mandy Patinkin’s version of this scene. Finally everyone has used the single shots they can fire immediately from their Many Guns, and they are fencing with the guards, who have maybe decided it is unchivalrous to continue using their Even More Guns, since this is in fact their garrison and they have access to unlimited guns. Constance saves d'Artagnan's life by using the pistol he gave her! 

Finally d'Artagnan gets Gaudet on the ground and is ready to kill him, but 2/3 Musketeers tell him no, they need him alive (why?) and d'Artagnan reluctantly d'Agrees, snarling sadly to Gaudet that "death in combat is too honorable for [him]." Except then Gaudet comes at him with a dagger and d'Artagnan stabs him right back. But you just said, it's too honorable for him!

They find the stolen uniforms and decide, with Dujon's confession, that's all the proof they need. So they didn't need Gaudet alive? Also didn't they murder him? I feel like they have ... 2/3 ... of a plan.

D'Artagnan gives Constance his coat, and she has a mild freakout about having killed a guy. D'Artagnan is like, no, he was a BAD guy so it's ok. Fine. 

Cut to Athos in front of a firing squad. Yikes! Milady watches from the window. At the literal last moment, 2/3 Musketeers + d'Artagnan show up with a pardon signed by the king. The firing squad awkwardly mills around wondering if it’s too early for lunch.

On his way up the stairs, Athos gives d'Artagnan a measuring look, then a small nod, which if you have seen Dad Television before, you know to be the highest possible praise a man can bestow on another man. D'Artagnan glows.

Ok now there's a carriage in the woods. Adele and Richelieu inside. Adele asks where they are going, is it a surprise? Oh no. This plot was built up exactly zero times, and now that it's time for its culmination I feel strongly that it's extremely lame. An incriminating gun? Did you even test the ballistics? Carriage stops. Richelieu helps Adele out in the middle of snowy fucking nowhere. "Your surprise, my love," he says, "you're a traitor and a spy, and I can't trust you." He gets back in the carriage. Adele, you moron! How are you honestly surprised? She yells at him to burn in hell, then starts screaming, "I love Aramis! Aramis!" I guess it was all the scars. Gunshot. That's so dark?

Cut to Aramis, ironically, explaining the concept of irony to d'Artagnan. Athos, now free, is drinking alone in a corner at the same bar that his friends are drinking at together, which is literally the weirdest thing a human being can do. D'Artagnan asks what's wrong with him, and 2/3 Musketeers are like "oh he's sad about a woman he once knew" like that's how everyone deals. 

Prison cell. Dujon. Richelieu is here to spring him. He closes the cell doors behind him and offers him "a drink to your freedom." How does no one see this guy coming? Dujon you deserve this. A second later Dujon is all dead and poisoned, OBVIOUSLY. 

Aramis goes to see Adele, her landlady says she's "gone to the Cardinal's estate in the country." Aramis assumes she's blown him off. 

Milady goes to church to confess. If I know period drama, and I do, Catholic confessionals are used for 2 purposes exclusively: 1. sex 2. murder. They are never used for confessions. "I once loved a man," Milady confesses, as the scene cuts to the whole flashback blue flower thing. She asks why God abandoned her, and the priest says it's because of all her evil sins. So she chokes him through the confessional screen, called it. "I want revenge!" she says, and stalks off. Credits!

Unanswered questions: Is the whole show this way?

[thatsnotperiod-blog]

television. marco polo. pilot. this is a show about dads and whether or not they should withhold their love from their adult sons. It's also about Marco Polo's travels on the Silk Road. 

Opening. Doesn't start out with a stately pleasure dome. Why? It starts out with the aftermath of the massacre of a Song village. A group of scruffy and various Italian-speaking guys, along with a handful of monks whose outfits imply they are maybe Dominicans? are making faces like they are thinking the 13th century equivalent of "yikes." One of the maybe-Dominicans has had enough, and takes off running the other way like, I guess, his plan is to jog back to Italy.

But then some Mongolian horsemen appear out of thin air and kill him with a bunch of arrows, which is what happens when your plan is bad.

There's a quick communication problem that involves 1/2 of the Italians getting killed, and the rest are taken to A Certain Walled City.

Still no stately pleasure dome. Instead, big crowd shot, so you know the show is immersive and serious about history. I’m kidding! This show doesn’t care about you or me or Marco or Polo or Kublai Khan or poems or ratings or history because for some reason it already made all its money. People are trying to sell the prisoners stuff, which is kind of sweet. A woman walks by with a basket containing precisely one bok choy. History! There's a young guy among the Italians who I know from promos is Marco Polo, and he looks like he is having the time of his life in this crowd scene with this single bok choy. Believe in yourself. 

The palace gates open, prisoners walk through. I can now see that there are only three of them left: Niccolò Polo (Dad Polo), Maffeo Polo (Uncle Polo) and Marco Polo. And together they are Polo Brothers & Son Ventures, they're here from Italy to take home the Black Plague. Just kidding! Maybe!

Inside. They are obliged to crawl on their hands and knees, and everyone is Acting really hard to convince you that crawling on your knees is physically difficult bordering on impossible. Pan up to Kublai himself!

Kublai Khan is on a throne, sort of half in a shadow, doing the Ancient King Thing where his throne is extra-wide but if he doesn't take up the whole thing by sprawling in it, there will be a coup. 

"Latins," he says. "But where are the Christian priests you were to bring?" Wait, he knows these guys?

Dad Polo starts talking in a used-car-salesman way, "Alas, our priests could not bear the rigors of the journey." You had them until 2 minutes ago! Kublai’s eyes zoom right in on Marco Polo and he starts picking on him. Dad Polo puts a hand on Marco's arm and says some garbage about his son being sooo loyal. I can see where this is going. Never trust a dad.

Kublai grouches at them about how he doesn't like the pope, who wants to "spread Christianity throughout my land." If I'm correct, the pope at the time is Pope John XXI, who wrote one of the most medically sound medieval guides to birth control. Ew!

Kublai gives a list of the religions that are welcome in his kingdom: All of them, as long as they don't fuck around with politics, which is a bizarre distinction in the 13th century but certainly won’t be the first in this show. Then he goes into how cool his land is, asking them to "describe for me my desert." Dad Polo & Uncle Polo mutter some awkward desert stuff: dry, hot, not a lot of trees. "Not even a bird," says Uncle Polo, and Dad Polo hilariously agrees: "Not even a bird." They're not fans of the desert.

Marco Polo, sensing Kublai is Kaprecious and getting fed up with the ornithology, interrupts and says nice stuff about the desert: Full of life, cool sand, "voices like ... spirits." Dad Polo, who doesn't Get It, interrupts like "sorry about my useless son" but Kublai is weirdly entranced and has Marco continue. Is this the first person to compliment his desert? That's so sad. I'm sure it's fine. 

The woman who is clearly Kublai's wife joins in the pop quiz: "Of all the provinces, which contains, in your eye, the most beautiful women?" Marco, don't answer! That's how they got Paris! Marco shits himself quietly and then says some dumb costume drama crap about "all women beautiful ... unique ... wine ..." Kublai laughs. Back to business! Polo & Sons didn't bring what Kublai asked for (priests) and so they're banished.

Dad Polo oleaginously suggests that instead of banished, he and Uncle Polo continue doing whatever they want, and Kublai gets to keep Marco as like, a prisoner. 

"What greater tribute can a man offer than his own flesh and blood?" says Kublai, approving of this stupid plan. Marco looks betrayed, but, Marco your dad was a bad guy. He said all that mean stuff about the desert! 

Bad Dad Polo kind of skates out the back door saying "Marco you have to trust me ... I'll be back soon uh ..." so that guy is gone forever. 

Marco is left alone shouting for his dad. He gets a shower, a shave, new clothes and a prison cell. Credits!

Here are three facts:

1. In 2007, Ian Somerhalder was in a made for TV miniseries called "Marco Polo" where he played Marco Polo. This show is not that show. 2. Ian Somerhalder in January of 2015 won a dog award at the "first-ever World Dog Awards" possibly for owning up to 34 dogs. 3. The Mongol conquest of the Song dynasty was so intense that during these wars both gunpowder weapons and trench warfare were invented. No thanks!

No gunpowder yet, but that's OK! In fact we're in a flashback, Back Home in Venice. Marco buys some spices or something from a ship, and hops into his gondola (lol) to sell it from the canal. Later he watches the ships in the harbor and sketches them. Aww. Does he want adventure, or a dad? OR BOTH? Everyone wants both. He recognizes some kind of heraldic symbol on a set of sails and almost falls off the roof. 

Because Dad Polo is home! 

This is the first time Marco Polo has met Dad Polo, who has been off Adventuring for Marco's entire life and is surprised to learn he's like, alive. "Of all the things I expected to come home to," Dad Polo headshakes. Really, you didn't expect this? The pope hadn't even written his treatise on birth control yet! We learn: 1. Marco's mom is dead 2. Dad Polo doesn't want Marco to start following him around or whatever. "You have her eyes," he says. One of Marco Polo’s most noticeable features is that he is slightly bug-eyed. 

Sad Marco, rejected by his dad, sits alone in his room with his drawings of ships and probably him happy with a dad. Then we watch Dad Polo's ship pulling out of Venice, at which point Dad Polo discovers Marco has stowed away on his ship. Uh oh!

Couple scenes of like, travel. Dad Polo tells Marco to go home a couple more times and he never does. He learns some Farsi. More travel. Scenery. Nice. 

Dad Polo and Marco get to know each other. Dad Polo promises Marco "the greatest adventure of all" which is not a totally disingenuous way to describe being abandoned in Kublai Khan's court. 

Cut back to Marco's nice cell. He's sad. Next!

Kublai doing Business. He needs advice on what to do about the Song rebels of Xiangyang (why not ... the usual?) and pop-quizzes his actual son Jingim for an answer to the Xiangyang Problem. Jingim says, destroying them is an ok idea, but a better idea is to collect taxes from them. I agree! Everybody is on board with the taxes plan. We learn a little geography from Ahmad, the Minister of Finance (Xiangyang is in the south, on the Yangtze River, so it's rich and strategically important) and a Mongolian guy, revealed later to be Ariq Böke, interrupts to say that Econ 102 is making him snooze and it's better to do fighting. This scene is like a nice little Sparknotes for the Toluid Civil War. Thanks, show!

Kublai reveals that he's already sent troops to Xiangyang, so this was a thought exercise and Jingim has been steamrolled once again. He assigns Jingim to lead the assault on a key farming village. Ariq Böke immediately volunteers to help out with the war part. "I will be emperor of the world!" says Kublai. OK.

CG Xiangyang. The Empress Dowager watches her definitely-dying husband continue to die. A chancellor, later revealed to be Jia Sidao, smarms "how may I ease your pain?" at her and she's like "make the Mongolians go away" but Sidao blows it off with a "they'll never succeed." The Empress rolls her eyes like, thiiiiiiis fucker. 

Later, Sidao is poking a praying mantis with some kind of praying-mantis poker. "My mantis is great," he says. "Do you see?" Excuse me? He's talking to another civil servant about the Emperor's health (bad) and how things will be way more efficient once the Emperor is dead. He mentions that his sister Mei Lin, a concubine, is out on a diplomatic concubine mission. We cut to her, and I can confirm that she is. 

Marco bums around in his prison cell. Someone drags him out to meet a Mysterious Man, who the subtitles tell me is named Hundred Eyes. He's blind. He's also a Martial Arts Master. This show truly does not care about anyone. Hundred Eyes offers some Q&A, Marco asks if he's a guest or a prisoner. You're the one who spent the night in jail, pal. Hundred Eyes says, "A fiery one. No wonder the Khan caged you for his own personal amusement," which is like, a really interesting thing to say to someone you don’t want to smooch. Even Marco is like digging around for his script. Hundred eyes is like, "we are all prisoners and we are all guests." Marco is like, "so can I leave jail?" No! You moron! Montage time! Hundred Eyes is going to teach you how to wrestle! And ride a horse! Stick fighting! Calligraphy! Archery! Hawking! 

Marco emerges from his montage after he has mastered these various skills to see Kublai Khan in the presence chamber/throne room/whatever.

"I hear from my Minister of Falconry that you've taken well to the hawk," he says, clearly not one for the distinction between falconers and austringers. He goes through the stuff Marco is learning and kind of paternally ribs him about how bad his handwriting is. Aww. Guess the Minister of Handwriting was talking shit.

Turns out Kublai's lonely and he wants Marco to talk about how cool his land is again. Marco does. They talk about how they're both fans of Alexander the Great, and how Kublai actually collects Alexandrias. The camera cuts to Jingim, who has hilariously been there the whole time, watching his dad desperately reach out for some Son Time with this stranger. Kublai gives Marco Tax Collector duty to see the imperial city: "I'm giving you freedom." Jingim looks so mad! Marco leaves. 

Alone, Kublai snarks at Jingim that he should probably be at the war already. Then they make up, Jingim looks appeased, and tells Kublai he's gotta visit all his wives before he goes to battle. I will bet you $45 right now that he spends this time complaining about how withholding his father is. 

Marco goes outside and sees like, the Village at Night. He makes eye contact with a woman, and her bodyguard immediately starts menacing him. She thinks it's kind of funny. 

Xiangyang. Sidao and his sister, Mei Lin. Is he holding a bug again? Jesus. She urges him to make a treaty with the Mongols after the emperor dies. He gives her a condescending lecture on timing and she rolls her eyes and leaves.

Marco getting his ass kicked by Hundred Eyes, who is sick of him. Me too! This guy is not gonna be your dad, Marco, move on.

Jingim gets ready to attack Wuchang, and he's getting nervous that Ariq Böke like ... didn't show up yet. Is he late to the war? Jingim grows more nervous.

Marco wanders around Xanadu, and he stumbles on ... a stately pleasure dome! Only 45 minutes in! He's there to see Kublai, who asks him how he likes his new place. Marco thinks it's better than prison. Kublai says he's not allowed to do any orgy shit, and Marco struggles to leave, looking bummed. 

Jingim, running out of options, is trying to decide if he should still attack, although it is becoming more and more clear that reinforcements are not coming and Wuchang has professional soldiers instead of just farmers. Whoops! Jingim's general advises retreat, as do I. Jingim sees the wisdom of this advice but physically can’t take an action that would disappoint his dad, so he vetoes retreating.

They charge in. This is all cut with: Marco STILL trying to resist the stately orgydome, Hundred Eyes hanging out alone with his pet cobra. It's very nutty. Episode ends!

This show was terrible.