the-belle-of-the-basement

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

I almost just linked to this on Facebook lol NOPE

can you imagine. me linking to this on Facebook. hello my name is <redacted>

I almost linked by the yellow pool gif. I like it that much

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

smh

whenever i see posts about frolicon i legit want to kill myself

this is both because im a sex addict, im in sober living and cant go, i miss it every year, blah blah blah 

fucking jesus christ i am so goddamn horny

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (kill me)

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

source: seinfeld (obviously) a gif i made

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

okay i lied lol hey again

now im in the HA meeting and im gonna stay on my phone lmao

not supposed to be on phones in meetings as per imagine rules but i dont really care rn.

why do i feel so weird? i guess cuz im actually sober? and because theres like no hope of using anything else or getting away with anything else...maybe i should get some poppers? probably not right? god, such a drug addict

background: i got found out that i was vaping spice because i got this new shit called 'solar' and it popped for opiates on a drug test at pathway. the number that i gave lisa for how long i was using was 3 weeks, but in reality id been on (and off when i would run out but that would only be a few days here and there) that shit and variants of it (12 monkeys, gold magic) for like...i dunno lemme check my calendar -checks calendar- i mean like 2 months? i dont even know. and there were the couple times that i used it back when mackenzie gave it to me back in like...must have been january or very early february almost. (that was blaze)

well anyways, yeah. i got 13 days today. and it sucks. i just want to get out of my head? but i cant. well, i can, but i cant with drugs. which is the easiest way to get out of my head, for me. its very comfortable and familiar.

god some douchebag is sharing about meditation as like "doing reps" like its fucking fitness bullshit. god, you know whats uncool as shit? caring about fitness and shit. but dude you what is cool? fucking eating disorders. what? who the fuck said that? what the fuck is wrong with you?

i wish i was anorexic. like i wish i was sick enough to do that shit to myself. that was a huge reason that i loved doing meth was because i lost so much weight so easily. god i hate my body. disgusting.

im trying to not see myself like that but its so hard. where the fuck is my vagina and why do i have this fucking dick. ughhhhhhh

well i guess its just about doing the best i have with what ive got... man, maybe i havent grown that much since 6 years ago. i mean i guess i have...if i was a fucking cis i feel like life would be so much easier. or if i like knew another trans person (who wasnt the fucking worst like GG or others) or someone who was into the same shit as me. that would be nice. i just feel so disconnected. they say fake it til you make it but what if i never make it? i dont know.

i miss my sister.

blehhhhhh i guess ill stop spewing forth conciousness now

im just a fucking lame / your girl blew me and she came / all my doubts i cannot tame / you and i are not the same / drowning in my fucking shame / always taking all the blame

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

at triangle again

christ, why did i come to HA, these motherfuckers, lmao

i had an okay day today, told more people about my self harm urges. am lying about the most recent time it happened, but...progress.

if i was honest about it id get sent to fuckin treatment or 10-13d again or somethin and lemme tell you thats not happening

like i dont know. i wanna be ok by myself. i know i need to lean on others and my community of people and shit. but its hard. at least im kinda opening up about it somewhat.

i love vaporwave shit, i dont know why thats relevant but ive been looking at a lot of it recently. i think i love it so much because of...well, because of what it is. nostalgia and pain and cultural memory and pink and blue and...the music!!! is!!! so!!! good!!!

i could listen to floral shoppe on a loop for the rest of my life and never get tired of it. its so goddamn pretty. vektroid is a fucking boss ass bitch.

anyways this meeting already started so like i should probably go inside. ill go in when sylvia does.

until next time, void.

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

19:48 sunday april 21st two-thousand-nineteen

it fucking blows my mind that its 2019. like where did all the years go? i dunno. i wasted quite a few there chasing highs.

im at triangle and some weirdo just waved at me cuz im cute. lol im such an asshole

i guess i shouldnt like push people away so much if i want friends? i mean i have friends but like its just like with drugs, i always want more. and just like the drugs, they always run out / leave. god im an emo bitch. im actually a pretty positive person these days. well, i have my moments. my depression is such that i have to try my best to be positive...

d rose d rose d rose d rose d rose d rose d rose d rose

thats right, im into that lil pump garbage lmao

i mean, is it better that im fully aware its garbage? i dunno that probably makes it worse but i dont care haha

anyways

if you cant tell by now basically all of these posts are just gonna be stream of conciousness nonsense but its best that way. thats what this digital space is for. me ramblin on about nothing.

i love you, <redacted>. by the way, thats me im talking about. my name is <redacted>. i really do. youre a bitch sometimes and you have some serious mental illness issues, but you're doing the best you can. at least you put down the meth pipe. thats a huge victory.

god, meth. for those of you kiddies out there that have never done it, dont. its impossible to do it justice (injustice? it is meth after all) in text, but what a fucking hell of a drug. feels like your skin will just peel right off your body, your mind racing, sweat pouring off your body, everything is moving so fast that it feels like its standing still. its a shame that its surely left me with some brain damage. i guess heroin might be more evil than meth? its a toss up honestly.

im so glad i never shot up. if i shot up i dont think id ever think trying to get sober was worth it. well, here's to never finding out.

life after drugs is so different.

but i wouldnt have it any other way / lets just speak in cliche / rhyming to pass time today / girls are cute and im so gay / i wonder how long til my next lay / will i ever be okay, more than just a fucking J

yep, still obsessed with sex and drugs. ah, the life of <redacted>

i have a rule (well im gonna have a rule) where once i press enter and make a new line in these text posts i cant go back and delete anything. so you'll get the authentic experience of my brain.

oops, just pressed enter

oops just did it again lmao that time was a genuine accident. well i guess thats enough for now

until next time, no one

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

self harm

so one thing that i struggle with a lot is self harm, specifically / most commonly hitting myself. usually in the head. when i start doing it i have a hard time stopping. in fact i’ve been doing it for the last 20 minutes or so. im typ-

i just did it again i’m typing this post to try and stop doing it or at least keep my hands busy for a little while i mentioned before that i am a drug addict and my DoC (drug of choice for the uninitiated) is crystal meth. when i was using meth daily, constantly, i developed this habit of hitting myself in the head when i was depressed, bored, angry, overwhelmed, or basically in any emotional state that i deemed unpleasant. i would also try to use hitting myself in the head as a tool to manipulate people into feeling sorry for me and doing what i wanted them to do (or not doing what i didn’t want them to do) specifically, i would beat myself in the head over and over again when my best friend and my girlfriend at the time had sex in my house. that’s a long story, but it would happen every couple days, he would come over and fuck her and i would just stand outside the door to the room and beat myself over and over and over and over- thinking about that i just hit myself again in the head 4 times

the reason i was doing it tonight was because a friend of mine who i have a massive crush on was just candidly talking about sucking some asshole’s dick and fucking him and shit and it just makes me want to die we’re in sober living together which basically means nothing will ever happen between us ever and it makes me want to kill myself i just want to fucking burn and die and twist and die i hope i don’t wake up tomorrow

i was hoping this blog would be less depressing than my old one but i guess i haven’t changed *that* much fuck i just want to die

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

some silly art i made in about 20 minutes... ＰＯＵＲ  ＵＰ 

[the-belle-of-the-basement]

hello world

so I recently rediscovered my old shitpile of a tumblr- http://www.basilhawthorne.tumblr.com a LOT has changed since then (the last post was made 6 years ago, after all!) but I think i’d like to pick it up again. i’m a lot happier than I used to be, but I still have plenty of struggles.

the biggest change is that i am a girl! yep, trans as fuck! and proud of it. i’m also a drug addict, something I didn’t know back then, but yep definitely a drug addict. i’ve got 9 days clean from all substances today, and almost 100 days clean from my drug of choice (crystal meth).

i gotta go to work soon, so that’s it for now I guess, but maybe I’ll post something tonight. either a text post or some music or. i dunno! thinking about maybe going back through some of my old posts and reflecting on ‘em.