the-dark-depressed-truth

[the-dark-depressed-truth]

More bills came in the mail!

Who wants a kidney?

[the-dark-depressed-truth]

Scrambled thoughts

When out in public or even in day to day life, i look fine, i smile, i seem happy, you will not even see the sadness in my eyes, i have become very good at hiding that.

You will look me in the eye and think i have not a care in the world. That i am a happy go lucky type girl, who lifts all around her up. Always willing to help, always wanting to make sure everyone else is okay.

You would be half right. I do want to lift people up, make sure everyone is okay, keep everyone around me happy.

But i myself am not, that go lucky persona i put out to the world. I get home and i wash off my mask of lies that i parade to the world. When im alone my thoughts, terrorise me. Thoughts i cannot controle, the ones i want desperatly to go away. And they will for a while, go away, but they always come back.

I will hide away in a dark room, in the dark is where i feel the safest, away from prying eyes, away from my own silent mascarqde.

I will sit in silence, no tears, tears make me feel weak if you have ever seen a tear fall from my eyes, know how vounrable that moment made me feel, know i trusted you in that moment to not take pitty on me, to just let me cry.

I will stop eating and weeks pass in which for any normal person they would think it to be starvation, to me its pennence for the horrible person i think, no i know, i am. For the horrible things i do every day, for waking up and knowing i have to live another day a burden to those around me, less than human. Less than life. I do not deserve this life.

People would think some of my actions to be those of self torture, but it gives me release even if only for a seccond. It is the only time i feel i have done right, when i am punishing myself.

Punishing myself for what? Being born i supose, being inadiquate, being a burden.

I have built my walls high, no one can know the truth of me, the bleakness of my reality. The scared little girl still afraid of the monsters in her wardrobe that grew and grew and now reside in her mind.

No one can know, if they do they may think less of me. Keeping up this act is hard, its like an entire play, put on for those around me, i smile, i laugh to keep the consern from their eyes, from the faces of those around me.

My emotions are complex and i am tired. So so tired. But no matter how much i sleep, im still tired, my mind hurts, my soul hurts. Why am i not good enough?

I know i have people around me who love me. I know they are here, but i dont want to be there burden. My sorrows are mine to bare, so i grit my teeth and grin at the world. Smilimg through my intenral pain. The war that has raged for many years will continue.

You will ask me if im okay, and of corse i will say 'im fine'