the-diary-of-an-introvert - Tumblr blog

the-diary-of-an-introvert · 1 year ago

Text

Recently I’ve reconnected with my little sister on my dad’s side.

She’s sixteen now and I’m hoping she understands why I was absent for so long.

She says she’s does.. but sometimes I just get worried that she completely blames me.

I’m not saying that I’m not to blame.. I could have tried harder. I could have put up with my dad’s antics. I could have just dealt with it long enough for her to turn 18 so she could have made the choice herself.

However, I couldn’t. He always wanted me to change everything about myself. He wanted me to do everything he wanted me to do. All the way down to the college I went to, the man I was engaged to. He wanted me to cut off my mom’s whole side of my family.. which, I get it. I eventually ended up doing anyways. However, I needed to be the one who made that decision all on my own.

And you’re probably wondering or thinking, he’s your dad. He was just trying to do what’s best for you.

Not necessarily. My dad was always in and out of my life. I would do something super small and he would lose his shit and decide that he never wanted to talk to me or see me again.

He would drop me off back into front of my grandparents house with all the crap he had bought me, in tears and completely confused.

There was one time in particular where he got mad because my step mom at the time started messaging me on MySpace.. yeah, I was THAT young. She baited me into saying something that upset him and told him about it.

I immediately heard him start yelling and he forced me to pack up the room he had made for me into trash bags and again, took me back to my maternal grandparents house.

Surprise though, my grandparents weren’t even home. Neither were my brothers. I was locked out of the house scared to death…

Thankfully one of our neighbors, whose kids we played with often found me and brought me into her home. She comforted me and let me call my grandparents. She just so happened to also have my little brother with her. So I’m guessing they hadn’t been gone long.

But can you imagine the fear that I went through in that moment? I was twelve years old. I was terrified.

He didn’t even stick around long enough to make sure I got inside okay. What kind of parent or even decent adult does that to a child?

Then there was the thing with his friend.. we’ll call him Joe. He was 20. I was 15 almost 16.

It had been the magical number of two years and my dad came back around wanting to get to know each other again.. he took me and my little sister, who was 3 or 4 at the time to San Antonio along with my step mom.

We had a great time. Things were going so well this time and I had so much hope that I would continue.

However, one night Joe was over hanging out with us. I thought he was cool. The dude was hecka tall. I was and am still only 5 feet tall. So he was a giant to me.

We got close, like sibling or cousins do. He was the only person close-ish to my age that I could hang out with. I mean, I loved hanging out with my sister.. but she was little. And yeah.

Anyways, one night I went to bed early. I was watching a movie about to fall asleep and he came in. He asked if he could watch the movie with me and I said yeah. Which, all honesty, I’m surprised I even chose to sleep in my actual room that night because I usually would just sleep on my sister’s top bunk.. but for whatever reason, I chose not to this time.

Anyways, he went from sitting on the edge of my bed to laying down next to me, then he got under the covers and began to touch me. Rubbing me all over until eventually he put his hand in my pants.

I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want my dad to hate me because this was his friend. Things had been going so well between us and I just didn’t want to cause any problems and make him hate me again.. so I just pretended to be dead asleep. Yeah, I know.

Not the smartest thing to do.. but still.

And don’t get me wrong, I lost my virginity when I was 14. However, I had dated that guy for like a year. And honestly, it had only happened once. There was a time before the initial one time, but we apparently didn’t do it right and yeah… so technically one and half?

And it wasn’t anything like leading up to something. It legit was, in, out. It lasted like 3 minutes.

I had never been touched or caressed the way that Joe had done to me. Or even touched down there by a boy with their hand.

Anyways, the next day I decide that I HAVE to tell my dad and stepmom.

So I do.

My dad legit laughed at me and said, “are you sure? I think you may have been dreaming.”

And he never took it seriously. I didn’t want to press the issue because, again, I didn’t want him to hate me.

I never spoke about it again. I never told my grandparents because I just assumed that they would have the same reaction my dad did.. and again, I didn’t want to lose my dad again.

Anyways, I figured I’d give some background about me and my dad so that everyone could understand why there is so much animosity here.

Once my little sister was born, he continuously used her as a weapon to hurt me even further.i waited over 13 years for a little sister.. when she was born, i felt like my life was complete.. even though she was born early and was so small and fragile, I loved her with everything in me. I always wanted to be there for her and protect her from anything bad that could possibly happen to her.

Unfortunately, my dad put up all these walls and kept us away from each other..

He let his issue with his CHILD get between me and my sister. Yes, I don’t care what anyone says, he was the adult, I was the child. He was the parent. He should have protected me.. instead, he became one of the people who hurt me most in the world.

Anyways, my sister is 16 now. Her mom and our dad divorced years ago. She lives with her mom and thankfully her mom finally realized everything he was doing and how he influenced her. We’ve somewhat made amends, I never honestly never blamed her. I know that she was being hurt just as much as I was.

I remember this one time, I was maybe like, 8 or 9. They lived in the little 3 bedroom house. I don’t remember where it was. I do remember it was close to my grandparents because the drive wasn’t that long.

Anyways, he and my step mom were arguing and he started throwing glass vases everywhere and at her. I stayed in my room because I was scared. I remember sticking my head out because I was curious, and I just remember my step mom side stepping a flying vase that almost hit her in the head.

I closed my door then and just sat on my bed waiting for it to stop.

So yeah, we no longer harbor any resentments towards my step mom. She had it most likely 100% worse than me as she lived with him everyday.

Anyways, my sister is 16 now.

She’s a young writer, like I was. 🥰

She’s been working on a book and has asked me to help her with it. So we’ve been bonding over it.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy or excited about something in my life.

I’ve waited 16 years to have a good solid relationship with my sister.. and it’s finally happening. I’ll be 30 this year, better later than never.

0 notes