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#this is not satire lol trying to get a job after not working for 3 years#is quite literally making me wish i had just never stopped to begin with and let it fucking kill me#i’ve never felt so terrified and useless and unwanted lmao#i have 6 months. that’s it. if nothing comes thru i have to go to the fucking river#and i wont survive that#its not possible#i fucking clawed and scraped to get out of florida just for it to come to this#if you’re ever wondering if you should idk offer to support your disabled partner for the rest of their life no matter what#just don’t#i thought maybe we’d be the one exception to the rule ive always seen but no#everyone else gets to keep living like they always have and im left here scraping together $20 a week so i can eat#and counting down the days to what feels like the start of the end of my life#to get here and have found such pure happiness in my relationship and surroundings and everything else#but to have it tainted like this with a deadline that i really don’t know if i can beat#is a type of pain i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy#i thought id been exhausted before#that was nothing.
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#had my first bad punching meltdown in a while and dealing with the aftermath is hard rn#persephone came and laid on my lap and licked my legs in the bad spots like she somehow knew#and that just made it harder#i don’t know what im gonna do when i have to leave this cat#i love her so fucking much#this all feels so unfair this weekend
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#it doesn’t feel like a happy new year when i’m starting it as sick as i’ve been essentially since august#i feel like i know what’s coming this year and it’s nothing but more of the same#i can’t afford to take care of myself#but i can’t afford insurance#so im just in a constant state of hoping ill be able to give myself enough of a random cocktail of otc shit that i don’t just#die lol#i can’t talk to anyone because my psychosis has been so bad i can’t trust anything#but the hoops i have to jump thru to even get to a point where cost is low enough that my parents can help me with that stuff#feels so impossible that idk if it’s even worth it#i’m exhausted constantly#to the point sw and art feel impossible but they’re the only thing keeping me eating and on my one current med barely#i just don’t know how to make anything happen and i feel like such a failure in so many ways#i know im strong but idk how long i can be strong for lol#something’s gotta change this year#cause this is too much
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i will always always always no matter what do what’s right for a stray animal even if what’s right is doing as much as i absolutely can and then leaving it with someone else or setting it free or whatever. but to have to do that twice in two days when i’m already So emotionally fragile is absolutely tearing my heart open lol
#something feels like this is supposed to be the start of some type of lesson for the new year#why else would it happen on rosh hashanah on the year i decide to actually become observant when i haven’t encountered strays since florida#i Know i did the right thing#both of them are in the safest possible positions#it was a precious dog and a tiny baby leopard gecko btw#kind of bizarre combo in top of everything else
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#played chess for the first time in YEARS last night w my boyfriend#first of all patting myself on the back cause i forgot way less than i thought#and i lost but put up a GOOD fight#we were clearly evenly matched 😌#also oh my god i fell so much deeper in love with this stupid man 😤#i do whenever i get to watch him use his brain but like This#he’s such a trickster player and i’m also somewhat offensive so we played SO well off of each other#i actually almost cried after lmao
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#today hurts so bad everything is wrong#i can’t stop crying#and i just wanna sleep for 2 months#let me just go past my birthday everything bad happens in these fucking months
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#we’re out of weed#my left foot has been numb for 2 full weeks now#and something about being sick has made my right arm almost completely unusable#im exhausted in a way i haven’t been in years#the cars broken#the ovens broken#i really fucking miss my family#and now my switch is dead#this is all within the week following the most horrifying period i’ve had in months#and a fucking cold that i caught out of nowhere#and weeks of stress and feeling like my entire life is completely out of my control#i quite honestly don’t know how much more of this i can take lol
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i would like to remind everyone that most disabilities come with comorbidities. what this means is that, most of the time, someone who is disabled does not have just *one* condition that causes them pain or difficulty.
for example, i have crohn's, which is an autoimmune disease primarily affecting the bowels. i also have ehlers-danlos syndrome(eds), which is a connective tissue disorder. eds can make crohn's worse because eds can affect your intestinal lining. crohn's can make eds worse because crohn's can also affect joint inflammation, so loose joints become more inflamed than they otherwise would. both can severely affect fatigue levels.
these are just two things i deal with. there are other comorbidities and complications i deal with, like fibromyalgia, dysautonomia, nerve damage, and more; but eds and crohn's are the easiest to explain how they play off each other.
i don't think abled people realize that most disabled people deal with something like this. i see disabled people online being very open about their multiple diagnoses to raise awareness and understanding - and then i see abled people shitting on them because "there's no way you can have that many things wrong with you."
but this is the truth of the situation: being disabled is almost never a straightforward, one-and-done diagnosis thing. even if it starts as one diagnosis, many people discover or develop other problems as their health changes. or even develop other issues because of medications! the intravenous medication i took for crohn's causes arthritis in a significant number of patients, and is most likely responsible for just how severe my joint inflammation gets.
so if you're abled, and you've ever seen a long diagnosis list and thought maybe someone was exaggerating - please step back and rethink. this is a very common thing. i would dare to guess that more people are multi-diagnosis than single-diagnosis. you are not helping anyone by accusing someone of faking or exaggerating, you are just being ableist.
as a disabled person, it takes immense bravery to speak openly and publicly about how our lives are affected by our disabilities, and we do not deserve to be treated poorly for being honest about our realities. your lack of knowledge or willingness to learn should not become our additional pain.
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i think everyone needs to adopt "i didnt say it was good, i said i liked it" into their vocabulary right now. it did me wonders
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Disability Pride shout out to everyone whose disability…
gets in the way of their sex life
gets in the way of expressing and/or understanding their sexuality
gets in the way of their romantic life
gets in the way of intimate relationships
gets in the way of exploring any/all of the above
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The older you get the more you will realize that your friends are people who have made mistakes and bad decisions and even just fucked up and hurt people.
And obviously your boundaries with your friends are completely up to you but you do need to recognize that if you cut off everyone who has done something wrong, you’re going to end up with no friends (and you yourself will have also fucked up in your life, and not lived up to those impossible standards either).
I’ve found it’s much more constructive to learn how to say “hey dude, that was massively fucked up of you,” because most people are really willing to say “yeah, it was, I need to work on it/not do it again/apologize and make things right” ESPECIALLY if they are hearing it from you as their friend.
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we need to go back to hating tumblr. no more hellsite (affectionate). don't even think of giving these clowns your money. if i see you with a checkmark next to your name i'm opening fire
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this website's moderation sucks ass and it has a terrible bot problem and there are an enormous amount of bugs but thankfully we have a staff team hard at work not addressing any of these but instead making shitty ui changes that nobody wants
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"but if you're pro-union, why are you anti-cop-union?" because cops are not laborers. what cops do is not labor. they are enforcers of the laws that oppress laborers and exist solely to protect capital. don't bother me with stupid questions.
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