#so im just in a constant state of hoping ill be able to give myself enough of a random cocktail of otc shit that i don’t just

[the-fog-system]

.

[starkissedblade]

💸💸💸💸💸

this is me just talking abt money and random stuff veeerrryy boring but i bought a pair of shoes a couple months ago for $200 and i have only wore them once i just stare at them and think about my bad spending decisions and i know i will start wearing them soon because they’re the only platform shoes i have but they’re also the most expensive shoes ive ever worn & i just die a little inside i need to get over it tho but i also thought of getting new walking shoes since ive had these ones for 5 yrs now (tbh i think the 200$ shoes r the only ones ive bought 4 myself new like all my shoes which is like only my everyday walking shoes, a pair of docs from hs, & a pair of flip flops i dont have many shoes & all were bought for me by someone else like yrs ago) and my feet r starting to get sore wearing them everyday but i think i might just buy new soles instead like these shoes still have traction.. cuz i need to buy a hair dryer and diffuser cup thing soon because im tired of air drying my hair and i want to make my wavy/slightly curly hair look presentable on the regular and not just occasionally and i need to spend money on that instead!!! but also will i do that??? i just put it off lmao it will probably be months before i actually buy something for that why does everything cost moneyyyy i feel like every day im making bad money decisions but i haven’t been That bad like 9/10 i use the stuff that i buy all the way. im physically stopping myself rn from dropping 40 something on this thing that a lot of ppl say really actually helps their cystic acne which ive had constant problems w. but i cant just do that. its 40!!!! instead i need to buy travel liquid containers that are smaller than 3 oz online cuz they usually only have big ones at walmart and i don’t need them to be That big i never do anything beyond a carry on because checked baggage is Expensive and it stresses me out on top of the expensiveness Anyway u can only have like a sandwich baggy sized thing w liquids in a carry on which is sooo annoying 😒 anyway there’s like $100 worth of stuff this yr that ive got that ive actually Really regretted like at the end of the day the new shoes r worth it for me because i’ll wear them until they break. i get so stressed over not using more than a third of the alcohol based mouthwash i got in feb because it burnt my mouth too much i get stressed over the cerave gentle cleanser i got but then it’s not what i need liked i needed the salacylic acid one instead so now that one just stares at me in its largely unused glory like i worry tooooo much but it’s also kind of good worrying because it keeps me in check cuz it makes me quadruple check if i really need something… but i do usually keep my impulse spending to the thrift which is usually a good thing. i bought a cool hat a couple days ago for a couple bucks but my head is too big :(( i need to look for a place that’ll give it away for free im done w giving stuff to goodwill or other places i just want ppl to be able to get clothes w out paying for it i hope that theres something like that around here. anyway i need to buy a really small point pen tomorrow to do this art thing for Father’s Day cuz my smallest point pen went dry yrs ago and this is the first time im picking up doing something like this in yrs like it’s for Father’s Day tho so i feel like it’s justified. and then i’ll need to get T in the next month 🚬 which has been 140 recently cuz i my state doesn’t cover it in insurance. at least insurance covers blood draws and my doctor doesn’t charge for messaging online abt stuff, so. and at least medicaid in my state covers some dental because ihave that appointment next month. and then ill be paying close to $200 for a flight ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh at least its not more than that ig. at least cheap allegiant flights r a thing . im so lucky in so many ways financially because of my mom step dad being so nice to me basically buying a car 4 me at 18 and letting me live w them rent free etc like idk how i got here i am still not used to it really i feel like its gonna be

pulled out from underneath me soon or something

[minminnie-shii]

Giving SF9 Cuddles

Hai hai!! I know i’ve been gone for a while

lets just act like that never happened

Buttt, I’m back and recently I’ve been watching the new series of Kingdom and I am so hype to see my babies sf9 

currently sobbing

also my mom was very upset when they came in last place

anyways they’re all working so hard and I’m so proud of them so I decided to write this for all the Fantasy and new Fantasy who are getting into my babies.

so here is sf9 wanting cuddles, enjoy

~Kim Youngbin~

this man

uggghhh

i love him so much i might cry

moving on

being a father of eight children is hard work

but my best baby does everything he can and is the best leader he can be for those boys

butttt

being a little is hard work and he needs to be taken care of as much as they do

insert the love of his life

thats you

youre good at telling when hes stressed and do everything you can to help him

so when he looks at you with doe eyes asking for cuddles you don’t hesitate to say yes

so now your laying on your bed youngbins head on your chest

youre running your hand through his hair softly and humming to him

he lets out a peaceful sigh and lifts hiss head looking up at you

“i love you so much” 

he looks so sleepy and you couldn’t stop yourself from cooing at him

he eventually falls asleep and you just lay there quietly admiring him

he’s the love of your life and you’ll never understand how you got so lucky to have someone like him in your life

#toptiercouple

~Kim Inseong~

this man

DORK ALERT

he will ask for cuddles in the most dramatic way

you’re at the dorm visiting him before he starts filming for his new show

you know that you wont be able to see him for a while and youre a little sad

inseong of course knows this

so he wants to make today extra special

he surprised you with flowers and your favorite snacks 

he even bought you a penguin plushie that was almost the size of you

so now youre sitting on the couch waiting for him to come back so you could start the movie you wanted to watch

inseong was watching you from the kitchen

you were playing with the sleeves of his sweater that you were wearing staring blankly at the screen in front of you

he smiled softly to himself before skipping into the livingroom

“____, dont look so sad, cuddle me instead!”

his loud voice nearly made you jump out of your skin

he plopped onto the couch next to you and wrapped his arms tightly around you

he pulled you into his chest and slowly rocked you back and forth

a smile came to your face as you rested your head on his chest

“it wont be long, i promise ill call you everyday, okay?” 

he assured you that he’ll come see you as soon as filming was over

you knew that he would and you were more than willing to wait for him

because you love him and there was nothing that would ever change your mind

even if he is a major dork that makes you cringe more often than not

~Lee Jaeyoon~

bias wrecker number 1

did you guys see how hard he practiced for the jealous stage on kingdom

i might cry

i hope he got enough time to rest after hurting his knee

you were at your apartment when youngbin called you letting you know that jaeyoon was on his way to the hospital

of course you were worried but he assured you that he was okay he just hurt his knee

sObBiNg

of course you told him that you would meet him there and quickly got dressed

once you finally reached the hospital your boyfriend was staying at you found youngbin who was waiting for your outside

“is he okay? hes not too hurt is he?” 

“he’ll be okay, he just has to rest for a while, i told him you were coming”

as quickly as he could he led you into the room where jaeyoon was lying restlessly

when he heard the door open his head shot over to you and he smiled sadly

you quickly composed yourself and smiled, walking over to him

you sat in the chair next to him and the two of you talked for a while

he told you about coming in last place, feeling like he didn’t work hard enough

it hurt you to see him like that and you did everything you could to reassure him that you were proud of him and he did the best that he could

he began to grow sleepy while talking to you and you could tell

“can you spend the night here with me?” 

you almost squealed out loud as he sleepy state but you just nodded and agreed

he scooted as far as he could to the side of the bed to make room for you

you laid down next to him and he immediately wrapped his body around yours hugging you as closely as he could

he easily fell asleep to you petting his hair and whispering sweet nothings to him

i squealed

~Lee Sanghyuk~

bEaNnnnN

hes so adorable i cant handle it

he also may be my moms favorite she doesnt know yet

although he is a dork he is very serious when it comes to his relationship with you

you are the light of his life and he will treat you as such

but youre still not safe from his pranks and constant jokes

he came to your apartment in his next attempt to bug you 

but when he noticed that you weren’t your normal bubbly self he placed himself next to you on the couch

you immediately reacted and rested your body against his

he leaned back into the cushions and pulled you into his lap

he would occasionally kiss your forehead letting out small hums

he would listen intensely as you tell him about you day

you explained why you were sad and he acted as if it happened to him

giving you advice on how to deal with the situation

it was rare for you to see him so serious but you loved that he was willing to help you with whatever problem that you had

even if it was something small a small trivial matter that didnt have any meaning

once he was sure that you were okay and they two of you would joke around

being the little shit that he is he would pin you down on the couch and began to tickle you

“yah, knock it off!” 

you tried your best to push him off of you

but our man is swole and was not letting you off that easy

once he finally decides youve had enough flops down and lays on top of you

“youre lucky youre cute”

you couldn’t stop the growing smile on your face as the two of you continued to joke around

~Baek Ju Ho~

bias wrecker number 2

hes so precious and i cant handle the cuteness

aaaahhhhh

excuse me ill calm myself

the boy

whether he admits it or not

he will drop anything and run the minute you call his name

and if youre sad or if you pout

lord you better believe hes right there plotting the death of whoever made you sad

one day you and zuho are out walking around doing couple things

you know, being adorable

when all of a sudden you see a group of girls pointing and laughing

you werent sure what they found funny but you began to grow self concious

it didnt even have to be you that they were laughing at, but your mind got the best of you

zuho noticed the sudden change in behavior and immediately took your hand

he pulled you into a hug and rocked you back and forth slightly

he caressed the back of your head and whispered to you about how much he loves you and how beautiful you are

you looked up at him and smiled softly 

he chuckled to himself before placing a soft kiss to your lips

he continued to press light kisses all over your face as he hugged you tighter

you giggled and hid your face in his chest

the people that surrounded you couldn’t help but smile as they watched the two of you

even the girls who you thought were laughing at you they had large smiles on their faces as they all talked about wishing to have a boyfriend like him

~Kim Seok Woo~

i swear i feel like he would be the best boyfriend ever

i know im not the only one who sees it

C U D D L E B U G

he won’t be able to live if he doesnt touch you at least once every ten minutes

ten seconds

he loves your touches 

lets be honest he loves everything about you

i am not kidding

after a stressful day of filming schedules and whatever other plans he has

his favorite thing is to come home and have you waiting for him

there were a lit of times where you would fall asleep waiting for him

he knew that it was late and you wouldnt be awake so he didnt bother to call you

he walked into his dorm tired from the long day that he had

after getting a bottle of water he walked into his room and a large smile came to his face

you were lying on his bed bundled up in his blankets sleeping peacefully

he got ready for bed as fast as he could wanted to lie next to you as fast as he could

once he was ready he carefully and quietly lifted up the blanket covering up your body

he laid down next to you and slipped one arm underneath your body

he slowly rolled you over so your body was lying on top of his

once the two of you were cozy he covered your body back up with the blanket

letting out a peaceful sigh he relaxed his body against yours closing his eyes and letting your quiet breathing quickly lulling him to sleep

you woke up a little later noticing that you werent lying in the same position you fell asleep in

your eyes fluttered open and a smile came to your face as you stared at your sleeping boyfriend

you placed a small kiss on his nose before settling back down and once again falling into your slumber

~Yoo Taeyang~

baby

i love him so much

literally no words can explain it

uggghhh

anyway

his favorite thing to do outside of his idol life

iiisss 

*YOU*

so when he FINALLY gets a day off

guess what hes doing

hanging out with the love of his life of course

duh

he spent the night at your apartment the day before and now the two of you are lying in bed 

youre both lying on your sides just staring at each other with cute smiles on your faces

the aura around the two of you is peaceful, quiet, and intimate

to anyone looking in you could see the love pouring off of the two of you just by looking

you lifted your hand and brought it closer to taeyangs face, trailing your fingers up his jaw

you brought your hand up to his hairline and gently caressed his hair

“i love you”

a red hue came to taeyangs cheeks as he buried his face in your neck

“yah, you cant say stuff like that out of no where”

you giggle as his breath tickled your neck

you draped your arms loosely around his neck as he shifted to hover above you

“but its true”

“i love you” 

he buried his face in your neck again and attacked you with kisses

you squealed loudly and the two of you spent the rest of your day just like this

and neither of you would have it any other way

~Kim Youngkyun~

this dood

A W K W A R D

seriously please help him

no one really knows how the two of you got together

youre both so awkward that people dont understand your relationship

but lets be honest the two of you are perfect for each other

hwiyoung is a sensitive lil gentleman and he totally understands you

buttt sometimes it doesnt come out how he wants it to

you know, him being awkward and all

he does love your affection but he just has a hard time showing it

so a lot of the time youre the one that has to initiate it

“youngie come here”

his head shot over to look at you the minute that he heard you whine

he stood on his feet and walked over to his bed where you were sitting

“are you okay? whats wrong?” 

you just smiled and grabbed his hand pulling him onto the bed

he let out an exclaim of surprise as he landed with an oof on the bed

you acted quickly and wrapped your arms around his waist

you laid half of your body on top of his and stared down at him

his face was red as he stared up at you

“i hate it when you do that”

you laughed again as you rested your chin on his chest

“you love it and you know it”

he just rolled his eyes and the two of you continued to talk to each other while lying like that

hwiyoung locked his hands around your waist while you talked about your idea of getting a new puppy

“will you name it after me?” 

you gushed at his pout and squished his cheeks together

“youre too cute”

you loved how adorable he was and you hoped that he stayed this adorable forever

~Kang Chanhee~

fluffy fluff boy

deserves all the love in the world

supes awk

but tries to act confident around you because well

the boys make fun of him about you

our lil actor boy will be super chill about it as long as youre in the room

but the minute you leave

will whine and complain to his members

so one day when you randomly walked into the dorm and they were all there

you didnt hesitate to walk over to chani on the couch and plop down next to him 

you wrapped one arm around his waist and rested your head on his shoulder

you let out a small sigh and relaxed yourself into his body

the boys didnt say anything but they all had smiles on their faces as the two of you were in your own little world

chani slipped his hand into yours as the two of you continued to talk about your days

“when are you going to teach me your new routine?”

chani laughed and kissed the top of your head

“whenever youre ready”

he smiled when you let out a little yawn

“come on, lets go to bed”

you sat up and stood on your feet following him into his room

you plopped onto his bed and he laid down next to you

“will you sing for me?” 

he let out a tiny giggle before nodding

once the two of you were comfortable he began to sing quietly until your head lulled to the side 

once he knew you were sleeping he hugged you closer loving the fact that you were so close to him

[just-antithings]

if els mothers so damn abusive you're perfectly capable of moving out lmao

wow.

wooooow.

thats it. i genuinely believe this is the most insidious message ive ever personally received.

way to care about abuse survivors, i guess?

youre not entitled to my life story, anon, but since you asked so kindly, ill tell you.

first of all, i never implied i was even under her roof. i live there when im not at college, yes, but the tracking app incident (the second of its kind, in case you were wondering), happened just two weeks ago, while i was at school. the first incident, when it actually was installed on my phone, happened when i was a senior in high school.

second of all, i can't believe i even need to say this, but "just move out lmao" is so fucking ableist and victim-blaming it makes me sick.

my mother has control over everything i do. my job. my home life. my political affiliation. hell, im turning 21 this year and my bank account is still attached to theirs, and they can see my purchases easier than i can see them myself.

my mother regularly went through my search history and my text messages to my friends, despite giving her no reason to distrust me. i lived in constant fear as a late teen that i hadn't closed out my incognito tabs or removed tumblr and various curses from my learned words on my keyboard, and later, that she would somehow find out that i was gay and not cis.

shes homophobic, shes transphobic, shes viciously certain that she is right and everyone else is wrong, she believes that me not agreeing with her hateful thoughts is me personally silencing her in her "own home".

i had to use my cousin in another state as a lifeline last summer over quarantine, because there were more days where i was desperate to just die so she could finally just leave me the fuck alone than there were days when i wanted to keep going. i packed up what clothes i could and almost had my cousin come pick me up in the middle of the night.

but i didn't. and do you know why? because i can't. as much as she hurts me, as much as she's fucking destroyed my sense of self-worth and ability to live without constantly apologizing for my existence, as much as she spews hatred for my life and how i love right in front of my face, even though the one time i barely hinted i wasn't straight she threatened to send me to what would undoubtedly have been conversion therapy...

she controls everything. my family. my money. my phone.

if i had escaped last summer the way i wanted to, i would have lost everything.

and because, as is often the case in these situations, she is my mother, and i can't help but still love her. despite all evidence to the contrary, despite how she's proven time and time again that she will never change, i can't help but hold onto the hope that she will.

but more than anything else, anon, i feel sorry for my dad. my dad and i are alike in a lot of ways, mostly how we tend to avoid confrontation until its unavoidable. i love my dad with everything i have. i got everything from him. my love of music, my shitty eyesight with glasses thicker than a kid's picture book, my love of shitty puns, and though he's never been tested himself, i'm 95% sure i also got my adhd from him. when i was born, the doctor looked at me, then at my dad, and went "oh wow. it's little you."

my mother's mother is a fucking monster, and despite how much my mother loves her father, she can't see him because her mother has torn the family apart and refuses to talk to us.

i don't want that to be my relationship with my dad. we don't agree on things - whereas my mother is disgustingly far right, my dad, while right-leaning, is far more centralized than anything else. when i talk with him about politics, he listens to me. we are able to have discussions. and barring politics, even with something like vocaloid, which he Very Much doesn't understand why i like it so much, he willingly and happily listens to me gush excitedly about it, and i listen to him gush about his music and the wacky things he and his high school friend group he's since drifted away from used to get up to.

either of us bring that up to my mother and she shuts us down.

me leaving would not only hurt me, it would hurt my dad, and while i'm perfectly okay with hurting myself - god knows it couldn't possibly be worse than it already is - the thought of leaving my dad with her is the worst thing i could ever think of.

so, anon, how dare you assume that an escape from any abusive situation is just as simple as "moving out".

fuck you. i hope you're never in a situation you can't escape from, because i wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.

[fairycosmos]

TRIGGER WARNING : I know you're not a psychiatrist tbh I just need to vent and I really like you so yea, I've come to the conclusion that I am what everyone thought I was which is a lazy little bitch using depression and suicidal thoughts as an excuse to be lazy I use to feel guilty but idc anymore it just shows there's no hope for me at all the only problem is I don't have the guts to shoot myself in the head and it's the last option I have Im sorry I just don't know who to turn to

hey dude. i’m sorry to hear you’re hurting so much right now. i know it’s a complex and personal issue that words alone can’t solve, but i still hope you’re open to some comfort, some alternative narratives to center your thoughts around. and idk just a few words from someone who can understand to an extent....i think first and foremost it’s a good idea to ask yourself, when you’re in the right state of mind to, where all of this self loathing is actually coming from. whether it’s grounded in anything substantial. it’s important to remember that a massive part of depression is feeling like you’re faking, over-exaggerating, using it as an excuse etc. i’ve heard a lot of people with mental illness echo the same sentiment. and the fact that you feel this way, so violently negatively towards yourself, indicates that you ARE struggling with a much deeper problem. but we’re taught to overlook it and to blame ourselves, partially due to society’s attitude regarding mental illness. in short we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lazy and worthless if we can’t produce labor and profit, or if something prevents us from doing so, but that’s merely a capitalist myth. those around you have internalized its message and are now projecting it onto you. but now that you recognize that fact, you can begin dismantling that belief system in your own head. cause in actuality, it’s got nothing to do with you or your value as a person. it’s the system that’s the issue, and the way it sees human life as nothing more than a means to an end, when people are so much more than that. you are so much more than that. you’re not here to constantly please everyone or to be some emotionless machine. so anyone who was judging you by that standard is fkn deluded and their opinion doesn’t hold much weight to begin with. then there’s also the stigma surrounding depression itself. people who’ve never experienced it don’t get how debilitating it is to live with. how it doesn’t just prevent people from working, how it prevents people from progressing in all areas of their lives when it’s left unacknowledged. which is why the answer isn’t to hurt yourself, it’s to admit to what hurts. this isn’t a matter of personal failure, or of laziness. it’s an illness, something that needs to be confronted head on with time, treatment, and self help in order to move beyond it. it’s just as serious as any physical ailment, but you don’t have to beg anyone to understand that.  you’re going through so much just by getting through the day and the fact that you’re still here counts for so much. i promise, you are not your negative thoughts. your mind is just trying to get you to stay in the cycle of self hatred > self destruction > self hatred so that you feel more discouraged and less likely to seek the support you need, even though that could be the one thing that would break the repetitive pattern. idk who made you believe that you are this bad and unforgivable person but i hope you know that it is genuinely, truly possible to grow beyond that way of thinking. it may take time, and it may feel unreachable right now, but change is honestly constant especially if you seek it out. the way you see yourself in five years will not mirror the way you see yourself now, you know? this is all a process and as long as you’re getting through it, you’re doing so much better than you realize. 

it’s ok to recognize all of that and to still feel like shit, to still feel like giving up sometimes. sadness, anger, pain - they’re exhausting and terrifying, but you don’t have to push those emotions away. though they don’t have to control all of your actions either. because they’re never as permanent as they feel. part of being suicidal is thinking in a black and white fashion, where everything has to be all or nothing. but it doesn’t. there’s a lot of nuance and a lot of different choices you can make, if you just breathe and keep yourself in a safe environment above all else. like i said, you’re living with an illness and bad days are a natural part of that. but having the tools to be able to cope with them in a healthy way could make all the difference. and that IS an option for you, even if you can’t see it right now. are you currently seeing a mental health professional? if not, i’d really really suggest looking into that before you make any permanent and heavy handed decisions about whether or not it’s worth it to stay alive. seriously, even if you’re unable to see a therapist at the moment - there are depression/suicide hotlines you can call who can help you with the next step, there may be support groups in your area, your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor. you are capable of reaching out, as proven with this message, which is a really good sign. and building routines around personal self help and finding what works for you would be a step in the right direction, too. there is so much that can be done in terms of identifying what you feel the way you feel, relearning how to treat yourself, developing a support network over a period of time, opening up to make room to heal - it’s possible. i promise it is. it’s possible to live a full, stable life that you’re proud of despite having depression. if you have any trusted loved ones, now may also be a good time to talk to them about whats going on. i’m sure they want to have the chance to be there for you, and it’s alright to lean on them when you need it. you’re clearly in a very emotional state right now so i don’t blame you if you can’t bring yourself to believe me, but i hope it’s an idea you can keep revisiting. because really what my main point is, is that you deserve to stay alive regardless the fact that you’re dealing with a mental illness. i don’t want to sound cliche but it’s true that nothing would be the same without you, that you’re here for a reason (which you fulfill every day, just by being who you are) and that your presence is far more precious than you know. i’m sorry you were made to feel any different. you get this one life and i would really hate to see you do something you could regret over situations and feelings that can be helped. you are not beyond hope, you are not a lost cause. especially if you live your life as if you’re not. you still exist and that means there are a million different ways things could turn out, the future is ever changing. the present is all you need to worry about. it’s just another symptom of depression to catastrophize and picture everything ending in the worst case scenario, which is something that can also be helped with therapy/practicing mindfulness. anyway, i’m aware that this is getting super long and i’m going to leave some links that may be of some use to you in terms of follow up support, but i’m really begging you. no matter how awful you feel tonight, just allow yourself to breathe through it. cry through it. call someone if it all feels like too much. keep yourself away from anything you could use to harm yourself with. and then wake up tomorrow knowing you have the chance to try again, knowing that that is a good thing, knowing that this moment is not what your whole existence is going to look like. please, please call someone if you think you’re a danger to yourself. even if you have to pick up the phone on autopilot. you mean so much. im sending you a lot of love and hoping you find the self appreciation you deserve. if you ever need a friend please feel free to message me. you’re not on this alone.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

https://medium.com/@sameoldzen/finding-intrinsic-self-worth-in-a-capitalist-system-7069be072b5b

https://serenitymentalhealthcenters.com/31-coping-skills-for-depression/

[skyfirewolf]

Edward Stevens: facts

After the suicide of his uncle and guardian Peter Lytton, James Hamilton went off to train with an elderly carpenter and his younger brother, Alexander Hamilton, was whisked off to the King Street home of Thomas Stevens, a well-respected merchant and his wife, Ann. Of the five children born to the married couple, Edward born a year before Alexander became his closest friend, "an intimate acquaintance begun in early youth," as Hamilton described their relationship. As they both matured, the often seemed to display parallel personalities: both were quick and clever, disciplined and persevering, fluent in French, versed in classical history, held the same morals and were interested in medicine. In later years, Edward reminded Alexander of "those vows of eternal friendship, which we have so often mutually exchanged," he often fretted about his friend's delicate health.

Their physical appearance was close. Thirty years later, when Timothy Pickering, then secretary of state, first set eyes on Edward Stevens, he was torn by their resemblance. "At first glance, I was struck with the extraordinary similitude of his and General Hamilton's faces–I thought they must be brothers." Pickering confided with shock to Edward's brother-in-law, James Yard of St. Croix only to be told that this remark was said many times before. Pickering even concluded to himself that they were in fact brothers and Hamilton was an illegitimate child of "Stevens".

Edward Stevens also went to Kings College and years before Hamilton. November 11th, 1769 is Hamilton's oldest letter surviving in his pen–the recipient was Stevens. Arriving in New York 1773, the only person he knew was Stevens. In his first months at King's, he and a friend, Robert Troup, formed a club that gathered weekly to hone debating, writing and speaking skills. Stevens was one of the members.

While married to Elizabeth Schuyler, Edward Stevens became "the guardian angel" of the household and he appeared at providential moments and tended to Eliza reassuring her she was in no danger at times of illness. During the yellow fever epidemic in 1793, Edward Seven turned up Philadelphia and attended to both Alexander and Eliza when they both contracted the disease. He treated with bark, wine, and cold baths, a regimen that stirred some controversy since Stevens scorned the bloodletting treatment advocated by most doctors including Rush. Upon his recovery, Hamilton became an advocate for Stevens's method.

(Text above is credited to sonofhistory)

- He cured Eliza and Alexander of the fever within five days

- Stevens graduated from King's College in 1774 and then sailed to Britain to study Medicine at the University of Edinburgh

- He gained his doctorate (M.D.) on September 12, 1777

- Stevens' dissertation on gastric digestion was entitled "De alimentorum concoction"

- Based on this work, he was the first researcher to isolate human gastric juices

- His work confirmed that of René Antoine Ferchault de Réaumur, who showed the digestive power of gastric juices, and helped dispel earlier theories of digestion

- Stevens's work on digestion would influence Lazzaro Spallanzani

- On January 20, 1776, Stevens was admitted to the university's Royal Medical Society

- He served as the Society's president for the academic year 1779/1780. Stevens remained in Edinburgh until 1783 and was one of the joint founders of the Royal Society of Edinburgh in that year

- Stevens returned to St. Croix in 1783. He worked there as a physician for ten years

- He maintained his friendship with Hamilton through correspondence

- In adulthood, Hamilton tended to shun his turbulent adolescence, and Stevens was the only person from his childhood, including even his closest living family members, with whom he kept in regular contact

- Following the death of his wife, Eleanora, in 1792, Stevens decided to move to North America

- Stevens had considered a move to Guyana, but William Thornton urged him to choose the United States

- Also in 1792, Stevens married Hester Kortright Amory. Stevens ended his ten years of practicing medicine in the Caribbean and moved to Philadelphia in 1793

- (A/N" so he was widowed one year and married that same year, good job Ned)

- While in Philadelphia, he engaged in a controversy with Benjamin Rush on methods for treating an outbreak of yellow fever

- Stevens was admitted to the American Philosophical Society on April 18, 1794. Stevens's work in digestion may have influenced other researchers in Philadelphia, notably John Richardson Young

- In 1795, Stevens was appointed as a professor at King's College

- Stevens served as the United States consul-general in Saint-Domingue (later Haiti) from 1799 to 1800

- Stevens's title, "consul", suggested a diplomat attached to a country not a colony, reflecting the administrations view of the Haitian situation

- Following his arrival in Haiti in April 1799, Stevens succeeded in accomplishing several of his objectives, including: the suppression of privateers operating out of the colony, protections for American lives and property, and right of entry for American vessels

- Stevens pushed for similar privileges for the British, who, like the United States, were engaged in war with France

- Negotiations between Haiti and Britain were difficult given Haiti's fears of Britain's desire to take control of the colony, and Britain's fears of the Haitian slave revolt spreading to its own Caribbean colonies. In fact, Stevens had to serve as the British agent for a time since Haitian troops feared having a British official in the colony

- Little is known of Stevens's last years. For two and a half months in 1809-10, during the British occupation of the Danish West Indies, Stevens served as President of St. Croix. He corresponded with David Hosack, including a letter introducing his son in 1823

- He outlived Hamilton by thirty years

- He also referred to Hamilton as "My Dr. Ham"

- Meanwhile, Hamilton called Edward "Ned" and "Neddy" and often reffered to him as his "particular friend"

- "Throughout the remainder of 1803 Stevens attended the American Philosophical Society regularly. He is recorded as being present on October 7, October 21, November 4, November 18. In 1804 he attended on February 17 and February 24. A minute on August 17 of that year is confusing. Apparently he donated two volumes of books, but the precise readings of the Minutes is unclear. The description is "Steven's Wars. 2 Vols". Thereafter Stevens never attended again. It will be recalled that in 1804 Alexander Hamilton died in a duel with Burr, and possible then, or later Stevens retired to St Croix. David Hossack wrote to him in St. Croix in a letter dated September 20th, 1809, from New York, so by that year, certainly, Stevens had left the United States."

— Edward Stevens: Gastric physiologist, physician and American statesman

(Ned must have been significantly distressed by Hamilton's death and perhaps even moved back to St Croix because of this)

Some letters between Ned and Alexander:

"I have written you so repeatedly since my Arrival in Scotland, without having ever received an Answer... I am perfectly at a Loss I assure you, my Dr: Hamilton, to account for your Silence. I have written you frequently, and, as I know that you was at a Distance from New York, enclosed your Letters to some of our common Friends in that City, and requested them to transmit them to you. But I have not been able to collect the least Intelligence concerning you from any Quarter..."

—To Alexander Hamilton from Edward Stevens, 23 December 1777

"Who could have imagined my friend that a man of your greatness, of your delicacy of constitution, and of your tranquility, would have shone so much, and in a short space of time, in the Champ de Mars, that you did it? I assure you, my Colonel, that I have tormented myself a great deal about your health, which has always been very dear to me since the beginning of our acquaintance. I do not know how you can sustain the hardships and fatigues of a winter campaign in America. Surely your constitution would never have sustained such severity without the assistance of something very extraordinary."

— To Alexander Hamilton from Edward Stevens, 1778

"Dear Edward

This just serves to acknowledge receipt of yoursper Cap Lowndeswhich was delivered me Yesterday. The truth of Cap Lightbourn & Lowndes information is now verifyd by the Presence of your Father and Sister for whose safe arrival I Pray, and that they may convey that Satisfaction to your Soul that must naturally flow from the sight of Absent Friends in health, and shall for news this way refer you to them. As to what you say respecting your having soon the happiness of seeing us all, I wish, for an accomplishment of your hopes provided they are Concomitant with your welfare, otherwise not, tho doubt whether I shall be Present or not for to confess my weakness, Ned, my Ambition is prevalent that I contemn the grov'ling and condition of a Clerk or the like, to which my Fortune &c. condemns me and would willingly risk my life tho' not my Character to exalt my Station. Im confident, Ned that my Youth excludes me from any hopes of immediate Preferment nor do I desire it, but I mean to prepare the way for futurity. Im no Philosopher you see and may be jusly said to Build Castles in the Air. My Folly makes me ashamd and beg youll Conceal it, yet Neddy we have seen such Schemes successfull when the Projector is Constant I shall Conclude saying I wish there was a War.

. . .

PS I this moment receivd yoursby William Smith and am pleasd to see you Give such Close Application to Study."

- Alexander Hamilton to Edward Stevens, St Croix, November 11th, 1769

(Alex, hon, GET YOUR GRAMMAR TOGETHER MY BOY)

[honeyfelix]

where i’ve been

hi everybody !! i’m sure most of you are not keeping tabs on this sort of thing, but maybe some of you have noticed that my presence here has been inconsistent and sometimes just nonexistent? and i guess another thing you might have noticed is that i tend to have little mental breakdowns that i unfortunately take out on here? and i think i kinda owe it to u to explain myself for a couple reasons:

1. i genuinely believe it’s irresponsible to broadcast certain facets of mental illness to a wider audience, many of whom are younger, without being mindful of providing trigger warnings or crisis resources etc. it’s not right of me to potentially trigger others or only show a certain lens of my experience without context or to basically demand attention and pity. it’s just gross. i’m ashamed of that and i’m really sorry 

2. i’m sure most of you follow me for my writing and i haven’t been producing that at all. so i should give you fair notice that my writing frequency has / is going to shift significantly

i guess first i just want to apologize - my intention isn’t to make people worry. but i know myself and the way i preen for attention when i’m feeling unstable. it’s not right and it’s selfish and gross and i hate it. 

in a nutshell, i’ve been consistently unstable (if that’s not an oxymoron) for many many years. it is not new to me. and for this brief moment i was able to abandon that and be functional on here and live a little baby dream of getting to write about my favorite group and have people read and enjoy it. it’s still so exciting to me, every single like and reblog. so thank u if youve ever read anything ive written! its crazy to me and i do not deserve!! i think my work is perfectly average but it’s gained me a really beautiful network of friends and such kind words and im so stupidly grateful.

but this has been an outlet and not always an honest one bc the state of my... i guess mental health? self perception? has been so deeply fucked. i dont want to say im in danger but i dont think its right to not say that either. i dont know. i feel like ive lost track of this haha i dont know where im going.

i’ve seen a lot of people whose mental health is suffering from this quarantine. for me it’s been a period of clarity and rest. basically i’m always losing my mind but also running on no sleep and constant work stress. now i’m able to see that i guess i’m really not good? there’s been some really horrible blows to my confidence and self-perception in the past few weeks or month or so. i just feel a bit insane. 

i’m a bit tired of letting this kill me but i also don’t really know any other way. i guess the only thing that matter is at this time i wouldn’t say i have writers block - just can’t imagine myself writing again. can’t even begin to think of how to write. i hope that changes so i’m keeping my requests in my inbox. but that’s just where i’m at now. and if you want to unfollow that makes all the sense in the world! i’m not providing what you came here for. i feel really guilty about that and not really sure who i am.

the other thing is that i really really dont like talking about it and i dont even really know what i would talk about. nothing happened to me. there’s no reason i feel this way or grievances to air out or anything to cry over. it’s just me being stupid.

part and parcel of that is not knowing what my presence on here looks like. i know i’m making this way too serious and it’s embarrassing but yeah. i just don’t think i can stay in the cycle of making promises of a short hiatus and coming back strong. clearly that’s not true because i keep doing this over and over. 

i don’t want to lose my friends or this safe place. that’s the hardest part of it all. and i guess i need to do some work on myself but i don’t really know what that means and i don’t want to do it either. i don’t know if i’m lazy or scared or what.

i think i’m just rambling now. i’m really really sorry. but on some level this is still my blog right? a place to log my thoughts? i’m not really sure what i’m allowed to do. and i’m not sure how to end this either. but thank you for being so nice. i know it’s not that serious and i’m making too much of this and i’m so sorry again. it’s not goodbye - i’m not sure what it is. i guess this is a message to say, i guess don’t expect anything from me? i wish i knew! and i’m sorry! i’m really really really sorry!!!

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[wakasagayhime]

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you. 

[king-ishima]

ooc

Short Version: INSTANT MESSAGING OPEN, BUT REPLIES WILL BE SLOW

// Hi guys! I’ve not been feeling too well lately, bed ridden most of the day. I thought I could spend more time on my laptop since I can’t do much else but I’m so exhausted mentally and physically, so it’s kinda difficult. I’m on the app a lot so I have no issues plotting with people on IM (so feel free to approach me there!) but I’ll start making a list of posts I need to reply to and I’ll get around to them when I’m feeling better. (More details under the cut for those who have followed - I’ll put it under the cut to keep this post short on peoples dash and because I’m getting a bit worried new blogs may be put off by this news ^^; )

// I’ll be in and out of activity but I’m still here I promise!

// So as some of you already know; I’m heavily pregnant. Just hit 35/40 weeks. On the last leg now! But due to moving house I’ve actually (somehow) lost weight. My baby has gained, but I’ve lost over 2kg in a very short space of time. I cant seem to gain it back either. Struggling to eat because of how full I’m always feeling. Which is probably why I’m so tired all the time, as well as the hormones and carrying around a heavy load, because I’m just not getting what I need for energy.

// There’s so much DIY that needs doing and I’m stuck in bed most days... So I push myself to finish things when I really shouldn’t. So that’s why I’m so ill. Losing weight, exhausting myself physically, my baby is making his way down ready for labour and...well...I don’t know if I’m in early labour already ^^;

// I have pregnancy-related PGP (pelvic girdle pain) diagnosed months ago but my GOD it is so much worse now! As well as insanely painful back ache, not being able to sleep, and a few other TMI signs, my midwife says I may be either getting ready to go into labour, or already there. So, if things keep going I COULD be having my baby within the next few days or so. If I suddenly disappear, that’ll be why. Though I’ll try and make a post officially stating my hiatus when I can to not worry people. I’m hoping it’s just more stretching and organs moving around... I seriously need this next month to get my house in a better place. Doesn’t help because I’ve had to put over £1000 into decorating this house, that’s a grand that hasn’t been able to get baby stuff. Poor boy doesn’t even have a mattress for his cot... which is still flat packed because there are no carpets down. I’ve been told to pack a bag to grab for the hospital...but most of my stuff is still packed and scattered about and missing loads of things I need...

// Fucking hell its a stress... guess I’ve been rambling too much but it kinda helps to get it all down. Might delete this section eventually. I’m so sorry if this bothers people; I know some aren’t happy with me annoucing I was pregnant in the beginning and left me Anon’s saying I should keep it to myself and it has no place here but...well my real life affects how often I can be here on Tumblr. I’m not going to stop RPing just because I’m going to be a parent. I’ll probably rely on it more to keep me sane! Plus I love this community, love the creativity this gives me and love all the people I’ve met here.

// Hope that explains my constant disappearances a bit better. My body is kind of out of my control at the moment - which is so annoying - but I have to come to terms with the fact I can’t do much about it.

// Thank you all for being so understanding! (or fuck you anons who don’t get it... whichever applies XD)

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🔥🔥🥀🥀Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 2 years clean! I’m 22. I have 20 mental illnesses I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , Trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018.

Here's a list of my doctors diagnoses (they were actually diagnosed , DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE)

•Bipolar, Schizo-affective, PTSD

OCD , ODD, ADHD, anxiety , depression

Insomnia , autism, anorexia

Attachment disorder , narcolepsy

Borderline personality , multiple personality. Dissociative identity fugue

Critically/clinically insane

Tardive Dyskinesia, body dyamorphia

Dissociative Amnesia

Depersonalization/derealization disorder

Intermittent Explosive disorder

Severe Brain Damage

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic x This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Been In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. And boarding cares , no home from 2011-2018 Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth x Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls.

a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤

🔥🔥every day and night I deal with

20 mental illnesses

Vivid flashbacks 24/7 of the trauma that occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018

40-80 mental breakdowns all day and night

Not being able to aak for help cuz since I've been in 215 mental hospitals the next time I go I'm going to a state institution

Michael Alvarado Alvaro (my main demon) constantly tortures me

No options cuz: I've been in over 100 treatment centers none will take me back

Been on all medications (dosages, types, combinations)

Being the most high maintenance mental health case in the system of California

My dog slowly dying

My mom being constantly sick

Feeling like I dont belong anywhere

My psyical health is getting worse

-feeling weak

-blacking and passing out

-throwing up

-body aches

-memory loss

-constant headaches, stomach pains , nausea, soar throat , body numb

Narcolepsy

-ear aches , my whole body aching Sinusitis

Being overly sensitive / wanting to save the universe and everyone in it

Fear of telling people I'm not OK cuz:

I feel like a burden

It's the same thing over and over again

It gets tiring

I feel like my existinese is a waste

Being literally possessed by my demons

Being autistic

Not eating and not sleeping

Wanting to hurt myself

Wanting to end it

Wanting to escape

My family doesnt want me home

They would be better off without me

Constantly missing my un biological son Anthony

Hearing my torturours in my head

This is not for pity or sympathy

I'm trying.

Im here for all of u . My 2nd Number: 951-460-8418

Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Also u can text 711-711

Don't give up , u matter x 🔥🔥

60-80 mental breakdowns a day vivid flashbacks every day _ nightmares every night. Being a recovering drug addict/alcoholic.

215 mental hospitals, 3 foster homes, 2 were extremely abusive. , bouncing from unlocked, locked, short and long term treatment centers, group homes, rehab, residential, crisis centers, homeless 13 times. Shelters, most of my life I've been literally tortured, raped, abused, sold, drugged up, I sold myself/prostituted, got tortured and abused in every way possible. Sold drugs to get money to raise Anthony "Lil Toni" Castillo-Martinez (why I have the last name Martinez) who I met in one of the abusive foster homes and raised him as my own. Kimberly M. Olivarez was my deceased ex fiance, she made a false accusation that I gave Anthony drugs (not true at all) , CPS took him away. Kim tortured and abused me in any way possible. She called 60+ people every day and night to abuse, rape, torture , almost kill me. I have attempted suicide over 100+ times, my "dad" who I don't consider my dad abused me in anyway possible from age 4 till he died in 2011. I've been abused by several more people. I have been on every single medication for mental health, every dosage, combination, type. In every sort of treatment. They are trying to concerve me again, last time I talked to my therapist, doctor , treatment team etc they said my next admittion to the mental hospital they are gonna send me away to a state institution. Last time they concerved me I was past my 52/50 and I was at this one hospital, I was there for a few months I can't remember, they had a hearing then they took me to court. I already got my criminal record when I was under 18, they cleared it. I lied to the judge and then later on they took me off concerveraship . so let's say I'm suicidal , unsafe, I can't tell anyone cuz of what I just mentioned. When I was 12 years old I for sent to a level 14 (higher level of care) mental health, addiction, behavioral treatment center for over a year. They couldn't even handle me and they were tryna send me to a higher level of care, but that was the highest level of care. The state of California named me "the most high maitence mental health case in the system" from 2011-2018 I had no home. From 2001-2018 there was trauma occurring 24/7. My soberiety date is 9•18•2018. I have a name for myself from several people. Over 200. Have told me I "help everyone obsessively" I get told to put myself first but that ain't ever gonna happen. I don't trust people, I'm extremely sensitive and I can't take confrontation without me breaking down. I don't date at all cuz of the many traumas. I'm a bi-romantic asexual. I'm 22 and I've always been a female. I accept all of u for who u are, no matter what race, color, sexuality, illness, circumstances ur in, etc etc. I can name more, I accept everybody. Everybody needs somebody , we deserve care, love, help , support, acceptance, appreciation, etc etc. U don't kno someone's story, what they have been and/or currently going thru. U matter, ur existence is a huge blessing to this universe. U are doing the best u can and I'm proud of u. There's more but its 2am and my meds are kicking in. Don't judge anybody. I appreciate all of u and I'm here for u. -- Izzy M. Martinez🌹🌺🌷🔥

[deuce-duce]

Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

[magical-agatha]

dont reblog

i spend so much time and energy being detached from reality bc reality right now is so intensely unsafe and painful that i cant even yearn properly. i cant imagine what it feels like to be touched. ive been isolated for the last 6 years. longer. the only times ive been held or loved or felt a genuine loving touch. were the three times i visited my girlfriend. 3 individual weeks. one in september 2018. one each in march and january 2019. and now ive almost totally forgotten what it felt like. what she felt like. all i can remember is her hair and her lips and pressing my face into her back and hiding. but i dont know how to imagine it or to yearn. i miss her more than anything. but survival has necessitated that i numb myself and detach from the physical world as much as possible. like constant low grade dissociation. i put all of my energy into hiding online with her. and coping with my fucked up mental state and all the chronic pain and illness. and now i cant feel anything properly. i cant imagine being touched. and i cant hold onto memories clearly for more than a month or two. after 6 months its all decayed and bare. all the emotions and sensations erode. after 6 months im left with a description of about 30% of the things that happened. sometimes more if i dig really hard. or if someone walks me through it. i rely on my girlfriend to remember the details of romantic or otherwise important stuff.

i hope when i get better my memory gets better too. it hurts not being able to remember things. and i dont have the energy or focus or.. executive function. to keep a proper diary. i have all my vent posts tho lol... but yeah i hope this isnt permanent. it shouldnt be right? its just my brain fucking up my memories as part of my cptsd. my brain trying to protect me or something. from the constant low level trauma of living with my abusers and all the regular big traumas ive had to deal with. right?

if this is permanent im not sure what ill do. get a diagnosis i guess. it hurts a lot. in that special kind of way that makes my brain automatically reach for suicide. idk. i dont want to die. but its very tempting sometimes to give up. and my brain often pushes the idea at me so hard i cant ignore it. i just have to fill my head with distractions and avoid thinking about whats hurting me. audiobooks and music and video games and anime and my girlfriend. keeping me barely together. just enough so that i dont kill myself.

i used to daydream a lot about being a magical girl. like in madoka magica. id be right up against the line of becoming a witch. if becoming a witch is giving into despair it must then be a metaphor for suicide. i dont want to die. i want to survive and get better. i want to live with my girlfriend. and i want to chase my dreams and ambitions. i want to be happy.

[smallpoem]

ramble: being nonbinary, mental health, university, moving out, life

very long personal ramble under the cut so feel free to ignore

these weeks right now are the last real free weeks of my life and yet i feel like there is so much on my plate my head is constantly full of worries and things i need to do and things i need to remember i can hardly breathe my depression and anxiety are really bad and i spend most days doing nothing, just trying to distract myself and get through the day, and every night my insomnia keeps me awake until 4 am i feel more uncomfortable and trapped and unhappy in my body every day, i came close to just chopping my hair off with a pair of crafting scissors several times i do really want to get it cut but im terrified of hair dressers, i hate them, and my mum has been pressuring me to get my hair cut for years, so now i feel like it wouldn’t be my own decision even if it is, i feel manipulated, it would feel like giving up, and i hate that, but i need to get it cut or im going to have a breakdown dysphoria, anxiety, depression are a constant state for me and im so exhausted, im so tired, i can’t do this anymore i hate my birth name, it’s like a slap to my face whenever anyone calls me that, and yet im terrified of coming out (“hello im nonbinary and my name is kieran, kier for short, please call me that” why is that so hard?) i really, really need a binder but i can’t figure out which size is right for me and anxiety won’t let me ask for help im isolating myself in my room and i hate it but i can’t handle being around people (like my mum who i live with), i feel trapped in my own home, i barely eat bc my anxiety is so bad i can’t leave my room i need to get out of here, i need my own space i want to move out and i did finally tell my mum about it and although she said she was hurt at first (which ?? why does everything i do hurt you mum im trying to take care of myself and get better, you always tell me to talk to you and to speak my mind and that it’s okay to be upset, but when i do you’re hurt and make me feel guilty, why?!), she is supportive of me now and she even started making plans for how she’s going to use my room when i don’t live in it anymore, which is good i think it helps that i want to stay in the same house, just get my own little flat here, i think that really helps her, but tbh it worries me i do want to stay here not for her but bc i love this place, i have lived here for 14 years and i love it and it’s my home, but im scared that im still gonna feel trapped by my mum’s presence and that she’s not going to be able to stay out of my business that sounds harsh but i just, she’s so incredibly overprotective, she does everything for me to the point that im scared to try and do something by myself bc it could hurt her feelings, and then she turns around and complains about how dependent i am on her, but when i try to be independent she makes me feel guilty for that too i need to get away from that so really what’s keeping me going, my silver lining, is the thought that im going to move into my own space in the near future, near being relative bc it’s probably still going to take almost a year (how will i survive like this for that long?) but that also brings more worries with it, mostly money related im obviously going to have to get a job to pay rent and provide for myself, which is not going to be easy as a mentally ill university student what kind of job am i going to get, how much will i have to work, how much will i earn, how much will it drain me? how, how will i get through the job interviews with my anxiety as it is? will i be able to afford keeping any of my hobbies or will i have to stop collecting albums, stop going to cons and concerts, stop dancing? regarding concerts, there’s another thing that stresses me out we’ve been planning to go to korea to see shinee early next year before they start enlisting, and while i really want to go, i also really don’t have the money and im scared i won’t be able to save enough in time, and i feel like no one is taking me seriously about this i don’t want to be indebted to my friends and i don’t want to ruin their plans and i don’t want to be left behind either and i feel guilty every time i spend money bc the concert is hanging over my head like a dark cloud that’s getting heavier with every cent i spend but i also know myself and i know that not treating myself to anything would make me really unhappy as shitty and materialistic as this may sound, buying albums, guild wars gems, and going to concerts makes me happy, and often it’s the only happy thing i have in a whole month there’s another event a friend and i are planning to attend, a book fair, which was my idea and i really want to go but i still haven’t gotten my shit together and bought tickets or planned how we’ll get there etc bc i feel so bad about spending that money and i feel like a hypocrite bc i bought a dvd and the guild wars expansion but those are easier bc i don’t have to plan anything what paralyses me about the book fair isn’t the tickets themselves, it’s the additional costs for transport and possibly a hostel, that’s so much money it just looms over my head terrifying me of spending it even though i’ll have to and don’t get me wrong i love my friends but one of them earns significantly more money than i do and still encourages me to spend mine, brushing off every time i mention being worried, and i fall for it too, i listen to them and spend the money and then feel horrible about it, why am i like this then university itself - on the one hand i am so happy and excited to start, on the other hand im terrified i don’t know how to handle my gender situation there - i know i can’t bear being called by my birth name, but i don’t know how to deal with that - should i send an email to every professor before the semester starts, which is terrifying and almost impossible bc again, anxiety or should i just say that i prefer kieran or kier over my birth name without an explanation? that way i wouldn’t have to come out but it’d also mean being gendered female which will not help my dysphoria either there’s an lgbt+ student group that i want to join but im terrified of that too, i want to go so bad but i’ll have to do that alone and that’s so hard it’s so hard idk how i’ll manage to do it im also just terrified of the future in general bc i have no idea what the f im doing with my life i will study korean language, culture, and history which is awesome, and i do know that i love language and translating, but i have no clue how and where i’d want to work, and i also don’t know if it’s gonna be enough if that makes sense? i really love translating but if there’s one thing i love more it’s creating, and im scared im going to be unhappy just translating other people’s creative work without directly being part of a creation process myself but i also know im not good enough at art or writing or graphic design im not good enough at anything there are so many things that i love and that im decent at but im not really good at anything and it’s so frustrating im so scared of the future and of failure and of making myself unhappy, i wish i had one thing i was good at and loved and knew i wanted to do so i could have a plan but im just swimming in a river of uncertainty and it’s terrifying everything is terrifying and im so tired of constantly being scared another thing that worries and stresses me out is my body and the constant pain im in my knees have been hurting for years but it’s all my joints now and all the doctor ever tells me is “you need to work out more” but it hurts then im also planning to go to a gynecologist bc i can’t handle the cramps anymore it hurts so much i just want to cry thinking about it and i can’t take it anymore for the longest time i have hated the thought of birth control bc i don’t want to mess with my body but at this point i’d do almost anything to make the pain stop and im hoping that birth control will help my skin too bc i hate my skin i hate it so much i wish no one would ever look at me bc i feel so ugly and disgusting and if i cut my hair off i’ll have nothing to hide behind and i don’t think i can handle that i just want to feel okay in my body and not constantly be in pain but doctors appointments are so scary and exhausting and everything is too much there’s more but i lost track of what i was going to say and tbh if i wrote down all of my worries this would never end im just. so tired and scared and tired of being scared

[lokbobpop]

Concentration

1a : the act or process of concentrating : the state of being concentrated especially : direction of attention to a single object All that noise is disturbing my concentration. b : an academic major or area of focus within a major The student chose law as his concentration.

1630s, "to bring or come to a common center," from concenter (1590s), from Italian concentrare, from assimilated form of Latin com "with, together" (see con-) + centrum "center" (see center (n.)). Meaning "condense" is from 1680s; that of "intensify the action of" is from 1758

Concentration con cen tration con cern tra tion, concent ration

Writing the word concentration

Trying to concentrate but just cant the mind taking me off in other directions like i cant keep it focused for than a couple of mins i think im better now than o was id be doing course work and just slip off into another dimension or id listen to a recording and go into the mind and miss what was said and then get upset id might of missed something i still do it but not half as bad im realizing only know as i write this i have more control over myself. Like just then i was writing this but looked at my nails then thought where’s the clippers ill do it now then touching my eyebrows and thinking dont do that and only after doing this did i think fuck i just did what im writing about losing my concentration lol yes it still happens lol

Reading the word concentration

I dont have any while writing this i see that im losing my concentration all the bloody time i just cant concentrate for more than a few moments it seems maybe if i could concentrate id get my word done so much quicker than i do right now because the slightest thing is just stopping me like the thought of my mum just come up she’s ringing tonight and im thinking about that i just went off on one its like a constant trail of other thoughts come in constantly and i have no control over when they come in and i go with them so where am i within these thoughts im like a kid chasing after a puppy i want to play with excited another one just came in thoughts have my friends checked my message i sent earlier id better check plus a fear of they usually reply immediately i hope nothing has happen to them all in this brief moment of writing how can i stop this participation within my mind all the mind.

Mm of cause now im thinking how can I concentrate better how can i use myself not to go off in a day dream every 5 seconds as it seems how can i just focus on whats at hand and get the job done because i might get my words done in have the time if i stopped this.

Ive never been able to concentrate for long period i get bored but not as bad as trin poor thing can only do short time she could only sleep for 20 mins and was always bored within minutes of doing anything no way could she watch a movie.

Saying concentrate out loud

Concentration camps come up thoughts of people being gassed who experiments happening to them the awful things that happen to people in the Second World War fear of it happening again fear of being in that situation.

Thought of being pissed of about my concentration not being that good and if my concentration was better maybe id be better at process because id be able to concentrate better and get what needs doing better so i nee this word to work for me i need to live concentration when im doin gym word for sure so it could be a great word to live.

Something i will hav to learn just looking out the window thinking of other things who would I be if i had complete control over my mind it be super women for sure just to be this one thought and concentrate on this put all my focus into one thing.

Thought of school and being told to concentrate on what im doing but not wanting to because I couldn’t do it so didnt want to do it at all where probably where losing myself within the mind came in to escape from things I couldn’t do and go into the imagination of the mind.

Sf

Does this definition support me no not at all i see i cant concentrate for more than a few moment s but when I do concentrate i get the job done it’s like i have these pauses within me to stop me from moving and i have to pick myself from them to move and what might take moments to get done is taking me all day because i don’t concentrate whats in hand to be done.

Concentration concent ration

Concentration

To put all other matters down an she one with what you are doing to have full focus on the job at hand

How will i live this word? I will live this word with practicing my concentration t see myself as much as possible when not concentrating and going into the mind be sidetracked by it and not giving fully to what im doing letting procrastinate be my rot my my downfall there are millions of moments through my day i fall and fall all the time but it’s the falling for long [eriods that the problem where i lose 30 mins of writing from procrastination of mindless thoughts.

Living words to self detection self awareness self change

[lbaby7]

Another day man. I feel like this is the best place for me to get out my feelings. no one is ever going to see this and tbh it hurts my hand to journal. Fuck. This time of my life is so difficult. Not saying that other parts of my life haven’t been difficult of parts of my future won’t be difficult. My past compared to now seems like a breeze. I would take the stressors, the sadness, and the pain I felt then any day of the week compared to this. I’m 23. Still in college. I graduate in a semester but thats almost two years later than my expected graduation. I never saw this for myself. I always thought I was someone who had it together. I am generally a rule follower and responsible in a way that makes people think I’d succeed. A large part of my existence has always been worrying about what people think of me. Like who cares? I DO! so much. like so so much. Maybe thats something that will always be apart of me. Seriously, how retched would it be if the people I know (or even the ones I don’t) found out that I sometimes don’t shower for two days in a row. or if they knew how much of a monster I can be to the ones I love because I genuinely do not know how to cope with my feelings. These are just some of the things that embarrass me. Believe me theres more things, i could actually write a book about it. Sidenote, I am going to be complaining about everything. I’m fat, I’m ugly, My dads an alcoholic, I’ve never had a boyfriend, never worked a day in my life, a virgin, and at this point i feel like it may be like this forever. Thats a lie. I know I could fix most of these problems myself. Also im not as worried about being successful in the future because I really feel like I thats attainable and something I’d like to work towards. Most of the time though I’m in a constant state of “why me”. Why did I have to be put in a middle class family? Why did i have to be the overweight friend? why am i so fucking socially awkward that it physically makes me ill? Why do I have anxiety? why am I depressed? why dont boys obsess over me? Livvy shut the fuck up. Its not that deep. This shit is so surface level I’m actually cringing while typing. But In order for me to accept the things that make me angry, or keep me from moving forward, i need to admit them to myself. I just wish my whole life was different point blank. I should not be complaining though. My family is amazing. They literally do all they can for me. My dads an alcoholic. It bothers me so much. no one else I know has a dad who gets so belligerently drunk on 5/7 days of the week. when he gets drunk he’s mean to my mom. he’s mean to me. Verbally. he really is a great human otherwise. I want to disassociate with him sometimes. I want to disassociate with alot of people though. I want to hand pick the people I like and discard the rest. How fucked up am I that I just want to throw people away? Even ones who did not cause me any harm.  maybe its my abandonment issues. ha can believe I’m finally owning up to it. in the past I would’ve swore up and down 1000 times i had no such thing. funny how i want to discard people but dont want people to discard me. I guess i want to get rid of them before they get rid of me. I probably could’ve had a boyfriend by now, but its because of this problem i dont. I’ve only ever loved one person, romantically that is. I wonder if he heard me say that if he’d think i was crazy. I know i’m going to marry him though. I just have a feeling. and i cant really envision my future with him not in it. We dont really talk anymore. But it’s just not the time. whatever. he makes me crazy. He doesnt know he does. Does he ever think about me. Did he ever really even like me? maybe even just a little. I don’t know I dont want to think about it. thats a future thing. Also why cant i just go out and fuck some one. my brain doesn’t work like that. I’m so closed off i need someone all to myself. I’m selfish. there i said it. Jealousy also is my ugliest trait. besides my nose ew (surface level livvy calm down) its hard for me to be happy for others because I’m not happy with myself. why are things going good for other people but not me. Again, the only person who is stopping me is me. i’d like to think one day, preferably soon, I’ll get my shit together. I will look how i want to look, for the most part, I love the person i want to love, and ill be happy. At the end of the day I just want someone to choose me. I want to be important to someone. I want to live in a rom com. I want to not have my sister order my food at a drive thru because im too shy. I want to not have an anxiety attack about if one of my friends is fucking the guy I like even though they dont even know each other. i want to get my hygiene back. i dont smell, god i have respect, but so i feel like i used to. Taking care of myself, looking presentable. Now Ill go out as the grease monster and not even bat an eye. Because i dont give a fuck what people think. I do but I dont, make sense? no one is looking at me I’m invisible. Have I made myself feel this way or was it the others? poor me. life is so sad. Im lucky. life could be worse. But the mental illness that im afraid to talk about is making me feel like poor me. im fucking depressed. I will stay in my room for days at a time not wanting to get out of bed. I dont even want to see my friends anymore. I dont want to feel like i have to kill myself to get away from a life that in retrospect is not even close to being bad. Thats what depression will do to you. Turn you into someone you dont even know anymore. I always thought people used mental illness as a way to get attention. maybe thats why I dont talk about mine alot. But all I have to say is the second you experience it you will feel so fucking awful for believe people were making that shit up. None of this makes logical sense. this is just my thoughts s they came to me. I hope in the future i wont be so miserable with my own life, want to be someone else, and maybe am more tolerable with people and not so selfish. I’m selfish without even knowing. I hate the people who have hurt me, but I know i’ve hurt people in the past and alot of them forgave me. I wouldnt have some of my best friends without forgiveness. Im a follower and thats so not cool. I need to stand up for whats right because if I dont do it for someone else who will do it for me. I didnt turn in an assignment that was due today. I get so down on myself and tell myself i wont be able to do it right therefore i dont even try. story of my life. youre too ugly he will be embarrassed and never like you. youre not qualified so dont even try. youre always going to be fat so dont even bother working out. youre never going to have a great life so dont put effort into it. Thes mental roadblocks. are. killing. me. slowly. How do I stop thinking the way I do. What happened in my childhood that made me this way. how can i hurt the person who hurt me. its a friday. im alone. in my room. had a good cry. hating my life. the boy i love is in my town. did i reach out to him? no. but did he reach out to me? no. whatever. I’ll wake up in the morning and maybe i’ll be happy. i doubt it but atleast theres a little optimism left in this cold dark shell of a body. i want to be on antidepressants. I heard they numb you. I’d like to feel numb. maybe thats why I like peppermint oil so much. It makes my body feel numb. goodnight. I need to write on here more. i feel better.