the-football-library - Tumblr blog

[the-football-library]

The Planning Nightmares Behind Coral and Sergi’s Dream Wedding

Sergi Roberto (left) posing with teammate Denis Suarez and Coral Simanovich.

THE WEDDING THAT ALMOST DIDN’T HAPPEN

TEL AVIV — Footballers have flocked to Israel this week to take part in the wedding of FC Barcelona’s Sergi Roberto to model Coral Simanovich. From the bachelor and bachelorette parties to the final ceremony, the public were able to follow the couple’s romantic celebrations on social media posts and tabloid coverage. However, despite the jubilee documented over the past several days, insiders report that the wedding was nearly called off due to disagreements between the couple over the details of the wedding.

A vendor (who wishes to remain anonymous) recalls tensions during a consultation with the couple last year. “I thought they wouldn’t even walk down the aisle,” the vendor remarks. “She was very unhappy [during the meeting], and showed disapproval at all [Sergi’s] ideas.” The vendor said that the conversation was brief, and abruptly ended when Coral stormed away after Sergi mentioned a ‘red wedding.’ The vendor is sure that this couple was Sergi and Coral due to the extraordinary nature of the meeting: the vendor specializes in mortuary services, and has never consulted for a wedding besides them.

Others present attest to conflict in the weeks leading up to the wedding. A staffer at a local hotel revealed that the couple had sent gifts for the guests ahead of their arrivals. While each gift was individually labelled with the guest’s name, the staffer noticed that the men’s personalized gifts-pocketknives-did not match any of the labels. “I thought it was unclear due to the font, like ‘Jaime’ could look like ‘Jelme.’ but some were different names entirely.” 

Upon seeing the discrepancy, some staffers searched the internet in case these were nicknames of the guests, but research revealed that they were in fact the names of several prominent generals to Genghis Khan. The staffer reports that the wedding planner was contacted regarding the issue, and during the conversation, a woman’s voice was heard screaming about skull pyramid centerpieces in the background.

Fortunately, the couple resolved their issues as no incidents were reported during the course of festivities, and insiders say that the wedding featured tastefully arranged flower centerpieces.

[the-football-library]

another in progress shot...

[the-football-library]

A little preview of things to come...

[the-football-library]

when u forget to delete ur christian mingle profile before running for La Liga president

[the-football-library]

I have so many feelings rn

i know everyone jokes about this but seriously? Fandom essays. Are. So. Important. Every fandom has them. Every fandom needs them. Ever since we equated the greatness of our emotion to the number of words we can use to fill a post, essays have defined what it means to be a true fan. On top of that, it’s essentially free reign to say whatever shit we want because it is written from a place of emotion, not logic, so everyone who is subjected to these essays are less likely to critique them because no one wants to critique OP’s feelings. In fact, there is literally no other way to express how much of a fan you are of a thing. There just isn’t.

Like seriously, you guys don’t understand. You literally cannot understand this thought that just came to me that I will now shove down your throat. You won’t even be able to ignore it because I will put it in bold, which will naturally draw the attention of your eyes, and you will have read it before you know it. Fandom essays are also an important part of shaping the language and vernacular of fandom. Where else are we going to get our daily fix of using italics to show emphasis in speech? How else are you going to know that I’m stressing this word and not that word? Where else can I say that I am literally crying or am literally in tears, and make you wonder whether my eyes are actually wet or not?

Also like? The facts? Maybe they’re there, maybe they’re not??? These essays don’t exist to actually educate anyone, except on the topic of my feelings. Facts are only there depending on how knowledgeable I want to sound on that particular subject but like?? They’re not important to essays unless you want to make it sound like you’re speaking from a place of authority. But honestly, if you’re italicizing and bolding enough, you shouldn’t need to those to establish your tone of authority. Repeat after me: You don’t need facts or context to write a good fandom essay. (And then say it once more for the people in the back!!!)

I don’t know about you, but this is so important to me. Like, so important. So important that I just repeated those words three times in a row, including a double format on the second iteration. I don’t know why I formatted it that way, I just know it’s something I have to do. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way but it’s so important for me to reiterate how much I love this thing. Now i have established myself as someone who gets so full of feeling about this thing that I will spew all these words at it. I might be the only one who cares about this thing this much, idk. but honestly. 

So Important.

[the-football-library]

SD Eibar's new mascot, a rifle symbolizing their nickname “Los Armeros,” debuts at the inauguration of the Xabier Irureta Peña.

[the-football-library]

Eibar quietly ends team lunch cooperative project over nutritional concerns

In another attempt to maintain its community-oriented image as well as its financial integrity, SD Eibar continues to innovate the way football clubs operate. The littlest team in La Liga showed willingness to rely on new methods, such as social media campaigns and crowdfunding, and such ventures have yielded great rewards.

However, not all their experiments end with such success. Recent reports, found in properly filed recycling bins, show that Eibar recently concluded a cooperative lunch program for its first team. The program’s mission was to encourage teamwork beyond the field, improve personal relationships between members, raise moral, and build a stronger sense of community within the team. These goals would be accomplished by sharing the responsibility of preparing the team lunches together, from purchasing the ingredients to washing up the kitchen after the meal. An unwritten but expected outcome was to reduce the costs of food, service, and extracurricular activities.

The program launched with enthusiasm. Players embraced their responsibilities within the cooperative, and the program appeared to be an instant success. They celebrated their first meal with a German-themed Sausage Fest. Staff members noted that members were all smiles and laughing as they prepared the sausages. “They even took pride in plating their food like proper chefs,” a staffer said. Many players took photos of their creations, posing next to their plates, though none of the photos were published on social media.

Reports say the program was cancelled abruptly after manager Jose Luis Mendilibar expressed disgust over his plate. An assistant who observed Mendilibar’s reaction explains. “It was just a whole, fat sausage with some mustard and mayonnaise all over it. It looked like the mayonnaise was coming out of the sausage! And then there were small, whole potatoes on the other end, on a bed of frisee. Those lads tried their best, I’m sure, but It just looked very unappetizing.” 

Sources say it was not Mendilibar’s reaction that led to the cancellation, but the nutritionists who noticed that the team’s menus were lacking diversity. They only ordered sausages for meat, and eggplants, zucchini, and cucumbers for vegetables. The staff were impressed that the team maintained a healthy, simple menu for desserts consisting of bananas and yogurt. However, overall the team lacked the nutritional awareness to sustain this program long term. Rumors say the program may be relaunched after consideration of these shortcomings.

[the-football-library]

Eibar President plays barista to save money for transfers

SD Eibar, the smallest club in La Liga’s first division (and most likely Second Division), owes its reputation as a the most financially sound club to reigning President Alex Aranzabal. Despite being younger than most of his contemporaries at other clubs, Aranzabal has been praised for his business-like approach to handling the club’s accounts.

One of the ways Eibar maintains its pristine finances is to sign players for cheap, negotiating loans or picking up players on free transfers. However, now in their second top-flight season and with a European league qualifying position just in reach, it is urgent for the club to dip into their wallets to strengthen their team this transfer window. Every penny matters, and in order to stretch their budgets even further, President Aranzabal has volunteered to run the cafe counter at Ipurua Municipal Stadium during the daytime. 

So far, only staffers and employees are able to visit the cafe counter while Aranzabal is on duty. The counter will be staffed by part-time employees during matches and events. Several workers who have had Aranzabal’s coffee report that it is “full bodied and rich–kinda like his beard.”

[the-football-library]

Sergi Roberto “shows more tactical intelligence than Bartomeu”; next position could be President

Sergi Roberto’s star has been rising this season. The former benchwarmer has been begging for minutes, and it looks like the 23-year old La Masia graduate is willing to take them wherever he gets them: right back, attacking midfielder, left and right wing, defensive midfielder, central midfielder, and most recently left back. 

Manager Luis Enrique is not shy about praising young Roberto. To the press, he has been generous with the compliments, saying that “In a team like ours, except in goal, he could play in any position…It’s no surprise. The most difficult thing is doing it well all over the field and Sergi Roberto does that.”

According to staffers, Enrique discusses the positions with Roberto during practices in advance of announcing his lineups. However, in recent times, there is one position that Sergi Roberto has refused to step into–and it’s not between the posts.

“It was around the time the board distanced itself from Dani Alves’ social media statements,” a staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) recalled, “Lucho asked Sergi Roberto if he would like to be President. We all thought it was a joke, but he was serious.”

Another worker confirms the incident. “We thought it was a great joke. But Lucho brought out a big binder full of color-coded papers. He started talking about the club’s mission, and some recent troubles with FIFA violations, and then we realized he was serious.” 

Enrique insisted that Roberto “showed more tactical intelligence” than the current President, and that he has several years to consider the offer. Roberto reportedly considered the position seriously when Enrique guaranteed Roberto would be the starter President, and Bartomeu would be allowed minutes during group-stage Champions League and Copa Del Rey matches.

[the-football-library]

Sighting: Claudio Marchisio spotted in tattoo parlor in Germany

Hours after landing in Germany, ahead of Juventus’ Champions League group stage match against Mönchengladbach, midfielder Claudio Marchisio was seen exiting a tattoo parlor just outside the city. Sources on ground were unable to secure an interview with the Italian national, but they were able to speak with a staff member at the parlor.

“He was asking about a design,” one artist explained. The artist had this reference open on their computer:

“He wanted this text, but with more flourishes and punctuation.” But Marchisio was turned away ‘for branding reasons.’

“I got a reputation to protect,” the artist said. “Once you go down that route, it’s all butterflies and Curlz MT for the rest of your career.”

[the-football-library]

Low Wages in La Liga Force Players to Seek Other Sources of Income

Pictured: Borja “Baston” (Atletico Madrid, on loan to SD Eibar) and Juan Dominguez (Deportivo de La Coruña), speaking to customers at a Burger King franchise

La Liga is home to the top three highest paid footballers in 2015 (Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Neymar Jr), but recent investigations have exposed the stunning wage gap in teams in La Liga. Some players’ wages are so low that they resort to taking on second jobs to make ends meet. 

While it is common in the Segunda B (the third division) for players to hold a day job, the competitive nature of the Primera and Segunda divisions means players are full-time athletes. However, due to the economic situation in Spain, smaller clubs simply cannot afford to pay their players beyond the minimum requirements. Several clubs have histories of being unable to pay their players and staff on time. Some have turned to rich private owners from around the world to keep their clubs financially afloat, but not all clubs are so fortunate. 

As a result, some players look outward to supplement their incomes. The most common form of work is to be active in community football, such as coaching or refereeing local and youth teams, where their local star status pulls in few extra euros a month. Meanwhile, others look for positions completely unrelated to football, particularly jobs that offer extra benefits such as: free lunches, commuter passes, dental care, paid time off and, in one case, pet health insurance.

[the-football-library]

Messi family denies drug problem: “That’s just how he dresses.”

After images of star striker Lionel Messi in various states of recline at home surfaced on social media, speculation quickly arose about Messi and painkillers. Messi’s family and personal entourage were quick to dismiss the gossip that prescription drugs were adversely affecting Messi’s life.

“Believe it or not, that’s just how he dresses,” a family member close to Antonella,  Messi’s partner, said with a sigh. “His fashion taste has always been that way, even without medicine.” This relative continued on, saying that ever since Messi has been home more often, he pesters Antonella to “bring [him] the Tchakap” and “...the caps, too! I need to wear, like, all of them at once.”

Those close to the family are not concerned about the star’s image. “He’ll be back to normal when he recovers,” a long-time staffer said. “He just needs to get it out of his Systeme. Sorry I couldn’t help myself.”

Sources say Messi could recover quickly and be back on the field earlier than the predicted six to eight weeks. “We hope he gets better soon,” a family friend confided. “Between you and me, once he has an away game, those starburst shorts are lining Mateo’s crib.”

[the-football-library]

Before promotion, SD Eibar president Aranzabal received "college credit" in lieu of salary

SD Eibar has made international news with its massive, global and viral fundraising campaign to keep it from being relegated to the third division due to an archaic law, despite having zero debts. Many have praised Eibar's shrewd financial handling, and there are hopes that Eibar's bigger and richer rivals will adopt the Basque club's methods of operation. One practice in particular may appeal to fans of teams like FC Barcelona, who have voiced dissatisfaction over their reigning president. As of the 2013-14 season, Eibar's first year in the second division, president Alex Aranzabal did not receive a salary for his position. The only available compensations were reimbursement for transportation, an allowance for lunch, and college credit. Aranzabal accepted the position under these terms, and has earned enough credits to qualify for a Masters of Business Administration at a nearby university. It is unclear whether Aranzabal continues to be paid in college credit.

[the-football-library]

Correction: mate is not a tea

It has come to TFL’s attention that one of our recent articles has grossly misrepresented mate, and has also generalized the rich and varied culture surrounding mate in South America, as well as the individual identities of South American footballers. As a reputable source of accurate, truthful news, we regret the inaccuracies and apologize for any offense our articles have caused. The article in question will be edited shortly.

TFL promises to provide the most truthful, reliable, thoroughly researched football news, and we hope to maintain readers’ confidences in our journalistic integrity. We appreciate our discerning audience for bringing these errors to our attention and encourage similar dialogue in the future.

[the-football-library]

Locker room tension in Barcelona linked to recent poor performances

After a devastating loss away to Celta Vigo, FC Barcelona has been the talk of the tabloids. Many are quick to point a finger to the cause, from FIFA’s transfer ban, to the team’s unlucky spell of injuries (most recently, one that will have Rafinha on the sidelines for the season), to manager Luis Enrique’s incompetence. 

However, inside sources at Camp Nou state that the team’s lack of synchronicity, particularly the recent lukewarm connection between strikers Neymar and Messi, stem from a recent conflict that has the locker room divided. Further investigation shows that Luis Suarez, the third in Barcelona’s MSN trident, sides with Messi, along with defender Javier Mascherano.

This discord started after a training session, when Messi, Suarez, and Mascherano regularly imbibe in mate. Supposedly, Neymar was invited to share the drink, but upon taking a sip, spat it out because the flavor was not to his liking. From that moment on, Suarez, Messi, and Mascherano have not spoken to the Brazilian, and the team has been a house divided.

“It’s a serious deal,” one staffer, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated. “Mate is revered amongst these players like wine. Can you imagine someone asking you to put sugar in a Chateau Margaux? Yeah, exactly.”

While it has been weeks since the incident, Neymar has reportedly continues to receive taunts. There is no official word as to how Luis Enrique plans to resolve this issue, though staffers believe a team-building retreat is being planned as of this article’s publication.

Corrections: This article has been edited to remove inaccuracies about mate. It originally called mate a tea, which is not the case. It also removed details about the alleged conflict that blatantly contrast cultural tendencies in certain countries. TFL first and foremost promises to enlighten the public, and we strive to maintain the integrity of our publications.

[the-football-library]

SD Eibar faces relegation due to inadequate facilities

SD Eibar could be punished and sent down to Segunda B if it does not meet La Liga’s exacting standards for professional football at the First Division level. In a surprise inspection, Eibar’s parking lot was found to be violating the La Liga requirements for vehicular parking. According to the inspection, the lines painted between parking spaces are two centimeters wider than the regulated measurements set by La Liga. These standards are enforced to ensure stadiums are maximizing on attendance and profits. If Eibar does not remedy the parking lot situation before the end of the season, they may face automatic relegation.

When asked to comment, president Alex Aranzabal was quoted as saying “Are you [----]ing serious?"

This is not the first obstacle Eibar has faced since since their debut in the top-flight of La Liga. Last season, just to qualify for the First Division, they had to raise over 2 million Euros in capital, which they achieved through a spectacular crowd-funding campaign that attracted worldwide attention. They are currently expanding the Ipurua Municipal Stadium, which has a capacity of just over 6000 seats, to meet La Liga’s minimum of 12,000.