the-hand-that-bites

[the-hand-that-bites]

I've seen what happens when people Get Worse. I've orbited a lot of people who Got Worse (especially online). If you listen to people who Got Worse it's all the same: they don't have consistent, meaningful social support, they've been hurt too many times and they can't open up out of fear that the next betrayal is going to drive the knife right through the artery, they end up spending too much time alone and develop secret languages, meanings, thought cycles completely inscrutable to anyone who has never had to rely on such rituals to survive, they get caught in a cycle of reopening and licking their wounds because the progression of time is so unrewarding and stagnant that the past is basically always the present, and the present is already the future, they become mean, they become strange.

some people might offer to help them but it's rare they ever know where to start, let alone exhibit compassion without grimace. admittedly, even for genuinely compassionate people, it isn't the easiest thing. if the person is someone who is stuck in their ways or doesn't know you, they don't really have a reason to be receptive to your help. "why should I waste my time on someone who is just going to become another memory of heartache? someone who will carelessly hurt and abandon me?" and such. an earnest attempt to help can feel like an attempted assault to them. at the same time, the meaningful interpersonal relationships that these people need will not survive if built on pity or fleeting self-gratifying feelings of "building" someone into your idea of a desirable person.

I don't know where I was going with this, but I always found it hard not to see myself as only a few degrees removed from these people. one or two safety nets separated from being completely trapped. unable to feel safe in not just the world but also my own body. a cosmological dead end. I stay away from habitually engaging in the obvious things can that make trying to change when you're at this point difficult (alcohol, drugs, etc), but if temperance is how you maintain stability in the face of rock bottom, you're basically already there, right? you're there and your body just hasn't caught up. maybe I'm just being dramatic because it's late. hows everypony finding the new deltarune chapters.

[the-hand-that-bites]

2027: Wizards of the Coast and the American Psychological Association collaborate on the D&DSM, 6th Edition, widely regarded as the worst thing ever published

[the-hand-that-bites]

Nobody:

Mentally ill people: 🗣🗣 I wAnT tO sTuDy pSycHoLogY 🗣🗣

[the-hand-that-bites]

morals

I am diagnosed with ASPD. Some of you may know it as "sociopathy" in my case. I'm a bit of an outlier (comorbid BPD) but I still share all the classic textbook symptoms. In any case, I've noticed that like... I have morals. Not in the sort of "I must do the right thing!" or the empathetic way, but in a sort of purely utilitarian, logical sense. Like, I'd probably do a lot of bad stuff if it lacked consequence. Not to just me, but the greater good (which includes me. Self-serving uber alles, really.)

For example, a really small example. Let's say that I am a car mechanic, and that I get this car in, and I see that the issue is a small, quick fix. But I'm stupid, I'm greedy so I go "Ma'am, your car needs the entire transmission to be RIPPED OUT. Like, if you drive another MILE in this thing you're gonna die." All this big talk, and I put it in the parking lot and call her in 3 months and charge her 3000 dollars. (numbers and ideas freshly squeezed from my ass, I got no idea what a mechanic is like I've always done it myself.) Sure, I got that money. But people aren't idiots. Sooner or later someone will see the bullshit. Then they review me, people start thinking critically about my services, and sooner or later I'm being sued. On top of that, think about them. I just charged them 3000 for a 120 buck job. Where could that 2980 other dollars have gone? Into the system, eventually to be fed back into my wealth. And not just in the classical sense of "net worth" but rather how nice it is to live. Those 2980 dollars could've gone into a business idea that could've soared and made life a hell of a lot easier to me. Improved the economy. Whatever. But no, I had to be a stupid, foul IDIOT who scams people. All theoretical, of course. I don't do this shit because this is so god damn stupid. Why would you do a "bad thing"? It literally never benefits anybody in the long run. Sure, short-term you might feel powerful, have the big bucks, whatever, but sooner or later that shit is gonna backfire, and it's gonna blow your head off.

Don't do dumb things, kids.

I guess my point is, ethics and morals exist for a reason. They aren't just some god given rules to follow, they make a ton of sense and always benefit you (in the long run, if you aren't a moron) I'm not driven by empathy, I really don't care about other people. Not like in a edgy, "I hate people" way but I just don't really feel a lot when it comes to other people. I do enjoy engaging with people, but its almost always on a pure entertainment level, rather than any sort of deep connection. I help people, too. I'll always be there for my friends (at least, I was there... a different topic.) because in the end to do wrong by them is to do wrong by yourself. I've ended up in this boat where I'm thinking about "what is for the greater good?" and it always ends up in the conclusion "do the right thing." Bit of a long one.

[the-hand-that-bites]

I don’t think people appreciate the fact that I don’t just shove a gun into my mouth and blow my fucking brains out every time they inconvenience me in any way

[the-hand-that-bites]

never not thinking about scorpions as symbols of imperfect victimhood at least a little bit

[the-hand-that-bites]

There's an inverted bell curve that goes like this:

No need to elaborate further.

[the-hand-that-bites]

[the-hand-that-bites]

Mental health professionals: "we must never diagnose a kid with certain mental illnesses lest it negatively influence their self image."

Also mental health professionals: "We're making a special diagnosis just for kids. It's called 'Oppositional Defiant Disorder.' We will also treat the idea that the behaviors meeting the neglectfully behaviorist criteria for this disorder could be caused or worsened by trauma as a begrudged afterthought. Also, the criteria will be vague and emotionally loaded enough to make it look like any kid at we could diagnose with this disorder is Doing It On Purpose."

Mental health professionals: :)

[the-hand-that-bites]

Me as a 8 years old helping my friends looking for their belongings (it's in my pocket)

[the-hand-that-bites]

how some systems act when you are an actual person and don't define your systemhood by hatred of endogenics

[the-hand-that-bites]

[the-hand-that-bites]

do you have any advice for imposter syndrome over ur pds

i think separating who you are from your personality disorder is a good start. and not putting much stock in diagnostic labels either way. also remembering that any mental illness is just a grouping of clusters of symptoms. its not an ontological part of any of us.

in fact, a mental health diagnosis is next to useless in many cases- besides describing your experiences quickly. for me, when i realized that that’s all ASPD/NPD are (words we’ve assigned people to sum up their unconventional behavior) it became a lot less important whether or not i “really am” these things. no one is innately personality disordered. these words are just useful for describing my life so far to others. if they became inaccurate, i would use different words.

[the-hand-that-bites]

"my son turned out fine"

ma'am, your son has been dead for years. i'm the demon that pilots his corpse, and he's fucking gone. you might have broken him, raised him wrong and made him confused and fragile and hollow, but i cored him. i slithered for years through the dry ventricles in his empty heart, i fantasized with his tired brain, i coiled around his soul and seduced him and owned him. the second he got away from you and could finally stop struggling, he practically gave himself to me. being dead on his feet already, it was deliciously easy for him to accept the death i promised him. i ripped apart everything that made your son himself, keeping what suits me and forgetting what doesn't, and i wear what he left behind like a favourite outfit. his body's not even recognisable, either- not only has it been used, claimed, and marked by lovers you'd call dangerous, but it's been estrogenised, changed so thoroughly that the tattered scraps of his soul don't recognise it as his anymore. because it's not, because it never really was. because it's mine.

[the-hand-that-bites]

Me after building a positive reputation for myself and now I have to deal with ppl venting to me because they think I care when I’d rather pour acid into my ears than listen to them cry abt their trauma for the 12th time.

[the-hand-that-bites]

Sometimes having a flat affect is so super funny to me because I’ll be having the time of my life and someone asks me if I’m ok and I always go “??? Yea??” And then I have to remember that I look like this by default

[the-hand-that-bites]

Hey i have a friend who wants to learn about DID and OSDD, saw you reblog some super helpful posts about it. Do you have a tag i could search through to send some education resources their way?

i don’t, and i don’t really recommend you use tumblr as a source

these are some good resources if you want to actually learn:

international society for the study of trauma and dissociation

did-research

traumadissociation.com

the multidimensional inventory of dissociation

sidran institute’s recommended books

and here are pdfs for a few of sidran’s book recommendations:

dissociation and the dissociative disorders: dsm-v and beyond

coping with trauma related dissociation

rebuilding shattered lives: treating complex ptsd and dissociative disorders

and here’s a few research papers i like in pdf format:

did: an empirical overview

separating fact from fiction: an empirical examination of six myths about dissociative identity disorder

the theory of trauma-related structural dissociation of the personality

formation & functions of alters

evaluation of the evidence for the trauma and fantasy models of dissociation

fantasy proneness & did

and finally, though meant for clinicians, this pdf from the isst-d provides a lot of very valuable information

guidelines for treating dissociative identity disorder in adults