the-mockingj

[the-mockingj]

“kung hanggang ngayon hindi ka pa rin galit, ang tawag sayo pabigat.”

[the-mockingj]

I fucking hate it when you’re in such a fantastically giddy mood and then you see one simple little thing that makes you think, “oh” and then you just get this empty feeling in your chest and you get nauseous and the world just crumbles and you want to just lay under a blanket and close your eyes and fall asleep and never wake up. 

[the-mockingj]

I loves them so much

There’s so much love between us.

[the-mockingj]

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Who’s the one who’s changed most of all?

This is not bad thing so much as a strange thing.

I look in the mirror and typically I would think I’d see this girl:

dark hair, sleepy eyes, rounded face, chubby cheeks, a little bags under her eyes, lanky and thin build but with a double chin apparently, with an almost permanent frown.

Although I’ve been facing mirrors a lot lately, (especially when I’ve become accustomed to talking in front of a camera and getting my makeup done.) I still, I’ve always, always remembered myself to be this way.

It wasn’t just the physical appearance I remembered though. I remember this girl who was always known as the small childlike one, the one on the outside, the one who can’t speak her mind, the one who drowns in a sea of insecurity before she could get a word out there, the one who doesn’t know how to flirt with boys (and girls) the one everyone thinks is such a drag to talk to.

But then I tried looking at myself in the mirror longer.

I see this girl with poofy pink hair the kind she’s always wanted in her life. She has extra large bags under her eyes, minor setback, but it shows just how much she’s gone through and how much she’s worked her ass off. She has full lips, high cheekbones, more defined jawline, and eyes full of light.

She’s also that girl who everyone sees as an equal, the one who’s always within the conversation, the one who finds a way to say what’s on her mind no matter how trivial it is, the one who knows how to handle herself around guys, the one that gets people to talk to her from the heart.

This was the person everyone sees now. It’s strange because I never really see her.

Lately when I ask my current friends a question about myself, they paint this other version of me, the second one, the one I don’t see and it just amazes me how I didn’t see any of this coming at all.

I never thought I would be out having the time of my life during the AMs, never thought I’d be out drinking and talking to everyone in the room, I’d never thought I would be able to pour my heart out into something and have it come out beautifully, I never thought I would do anything remarkable.

I’m happy about who I am right now. Even if I still get sad, still get dumped, still get my heart broken here and there. Nevertheless, i would never forget that little highschool girl who was always afraid of the world.

If I could go back in time (Personally if I really could, I won’t. Cause it might change a lot of things) and tell my teenage self something, I’m going to quote a song from my favorite band.

I’ll say “Don’t lose your fight, kid.” we’ll make it, and we’ll be amazing,

[the-mockingj]

I wish people would understand this more. 

Don’t ask us to pick a side. Don’t tell us it’s a fucking phase. Just don’t.

And just cause I’m saying this out of nowhere, doesn’t mean it’s not true or that I’m seeking attention. It’s been a problem I’ve had for so long and I’m just sick and tired of people who invalidate us. 

I’m fucking bisexual. Get over yourself.

Bisexuality is Valid

Bisexual people are not confused

Bisexual people are not greedy

Bisexual people are not attention seeking

Bisexual people are not attracted to everyone

Bisexual people are not half gay

Bisexual people do not have to pick a side because you refuse to accept anyone who is not monosexual

Bisexual people do not have straight privilege 

Bisexual girls who mostly date boys are still bisexual, not straight with a wild side

Bisexual girls who date mostly girls still aren’t lesbians, nor do they like girls cause a boy broke their heart

Bisexual boys who date mostly boys still aren’t gay, nor do they like boys cause a girl broke their heart

Bisexual boys who mostly date girls are still bisexual, not straight with a wild side

BISEXUAL PEOPLE ARE VALID. STOP INVALIDATING PEOPLE’S SEXUALITY BECAUSE OF YOUR IGNORANCE.

[the-mockingj]

Yep

do you ever just wanna sit next to someone and listen to everything they could possibly say about anything ever just because you like their face and their voice and their general existence 

[the-mockingj]

Sept. 1, 2015

I am supposed to be writing my thesis film now.

I’ve had so many fucking ideas in the past and now they’re all gone.

I’m so fucking nervous, I don’t want to pass something shitty. Seriously.

[the-mockingj]

August 22, 2015

Change is upon us.

[the-mockingj]

Ibang level ka bro. Tangina.

[the-mockingj]

August 1, 2015

It’s 8 in the morning, and I haven’t slept yet. 

I’m still contemplating on whether or not I should call or atleast text you before you go. Right now, there’s a 5% chance that I will grab my phone and do just that. But then there’s that 95% chance that you’re already on your flight and my message wouldn’t even get to you anymore. 

So there’s that.

I’m not really sure about this but I think this has got to be the most times I’ve done something embarrassing while having feelings for someone in its early stages of development. 

Exhibit A: I may or may not walk by some places at a specific time during the night just to see if I could catch you before the day ends.

Exhibit B: I may or may not have set my phone alarm at just the right time so that I can fully support you and your endeavors (no matter which timezone you’re at)

Exhibit C: I may or may not have panic attacks about me screwing up my friendship with you by showing you just how much of a trainwreck I really am.

Just to name a few. Holy crap dude, what have you done to me?

[the-mockingj]

July 23, 2015

Feelings. Feelings are so many things. They’re messy, annoying, hard to deal with, uncontrollable etc. I have encountered these feelings so many times in my life. Some were stronger than others, some I loved, some I didn’t want but had to deal with. Today I have them again, and it feels both old and new. Imagine looking at a person, really looking at a person for a long time and suddenly all these butterflies are in your stomach. You start noticing every little thing they do, and they start to pop into your head every now and again. You have no idea why this happens or why it’s happening but it is and you don’t know what to make of it. The first time it happened to me was already several years ago, but today, it’s happening again. Since I’ve been at this point before, here comes this part: you question yourself whether or not this is right or wrong. On one hand, it makes you feel great, it makes you happy, it makes you smile again even if it’s been so long since you have. On the other hand, you know somewhere deep down, you might get hurt again. Eventually, if you’re head’s screwed on straight enough, you’ll end up saying it’s wrong. But alas, everytime you see that person, every decision your mind made about these feelings being wrong suddenly goes away. All you can see is him, all you can hear is his voice, all you can feel is his touch, all you can think of is him and right after that emotional wave crashes onto you, you’re suddenly swept back onto shore feeling frustrated with yourself because you just couldn’t control your feelings. It’s suddenly affecting some of the things you do, like how you feel when you work, or go out and in the end you become this absolute trainwreck that nobody really sees because it’s all in your head. Feelings are messy. I wish I could tell you to keep your feelings in check to avoid all of that, but noone can ever really control their feelings. It’s really annoying.

[the-mockingj]

July 14, 2015

Is this some kind of a sick joke you're pulling on me? I don't know what's happening but you guys know full well how I don't like these situations. This time I'm not crazy, you guys are at fault here.

[the-mockingj]

July 13, 2015 Everything's fine. Everything's different. But the water is almost to my knees. I don't want to drown.

[the-mockingj]

April 10, 2015

Dear you,

I can’t believe I’m writing to someone new now. It feels weird, but I’m happy.

I don’t know what’s going on and I’m not exactly sure of how I feel but all I know is I’m starting to have feelings for you.

It’s a whole mess of emotions and confusion with you, and I don’t know if it’s just the alcohol talking, but I just really need to write this down.

Sa totoo lang, yung nararamdaman ko kasi masasummarize lang sa isang sentence; iba talaga pag tayong dalawa yung magkasama.

There’s just some sort of force between us that is neither strong nor weak.

Some people ask me why I like you too you know, and I answer them in the best way that I can, so this is what I said.

I like the way you talk to me. We always seem to create a small bubble for the both of us wherein we can only hear each other. We don’t listen to anyone else because we keep to ourselves. And it doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about something weird or something sentimental, we’d talk and we’d listen.

I like the way you see things. I think you have an amazing perspective things and it shows in what you create as an artist in many forms. I can see that you love what you do and you use it to show people what you see. I just wish many people see it as I do.

I like the way you make me smile. Whether you’re making a joke, or telling me a random story or just by noticing me. I would always feel like someone lit a lamp inside of me that makes me instantly happy.

I like the way you speak your mind. You don’t always do but you still have your own opinion of things regardless of what other people see.

I like your capacity to love. I've seen it for the past 2 years I’ve known you.

I like so many things about you. I just wish you’d know. I wish you’d see. I’ve been wishing for it for a really long time now, (to be quite honest)

I’m not gonna be pretentious and say that I’m already in love with you because having just one side or just one piece of a two piece puzzle, isn’t enough.

But yeah I’m pretty close to it.

[the-mockingj]

March 26, 2015

I don't know what's happening but even if I do still feel kinda uncomfortable about my ex and my friend being together, I've got to admit, I think I'm starting to pay attention to someone else now. I don't know, it just feels different with him. I talk to him and we get caught up in our own world and I just smile a lot when I'm with him. He puts the butterflies my stomach. It's been months since that happened. I don't want to read into this too much but I'm glad that no matter how bad my situation is right now, he can somehow make me smile and forget about the world even for just a bit.

[the-mockingj]

February 27, 2014

She's really pretty She's really talented She's really funny She's really witty She's really smart She's amazing And she has a pug But above all that, she has you. Now she has everything I've ever wished for. She's one lucky girl.

[the-mockingj]

January 21, 2015

I'm thinking so much, it's making my brain weird.

It's not the usual love, or I miss you.

I'm just very confused.

Get out of my head please.