the-restau-rants

[the-restau-rants]

When it is more tolerable in the dish pit than it is on the floor, you know your HVAC was set up by a maniac.

[the-restau-rants]

Sending Big Tip Energy to everyone working tonight.

[the-restau-rants]

With our new menu rollout two months ago, several items fell off the menu. Most of them were seasonal things, but one or two were things that were long-time staples, but they had gotten too expensive or were too labor-intensive to keep around. One of them was a seafood pasta; at $40 dollars, it was the most expensive pasta we had by a mile, and it cost more than even a few of our entrees. We barely made any money on it, and the pasta that came with it was only used for that item and nothing else, so our chef decided to take it off the menu. But, he told us, if someone came in and was upset that they couldn't have it and asked us for it, then we could still make it.

Well, two of the servers decided to interpret, "If someone asks for it, they can still have it" as, "tell your tables that this is a special and actively push it on them". The result? Now that the thing is off the menu, I think that we're actually selling more of them than when it was on the menu.

Chef is not happy.

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Legally, I should be allowed to murder the service staff.

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Someone sat down at the bar tonight, and confidently asked the bartender for chips and salsa. And it wasn't, "Do you guys have chips and salsa?", it was, "Let me get some chips and salsa".

We are an Italian fine-dining restaurant. Why the absolute

FUCK

would you think that we would have chips and salsa?

[the-restau-rants]

Just realized that it's prom season. I am not looking forward to the 10-tops of teenagers who spend less than 20 dollars a head and who don't know how to tip.

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Can't tell you how many times in the last 25 years that I've seen someone leave the restaurant because they got themselves a Big Person job, and then six months later, they're back, because Big Person jobs suck.

[the-restau-rants]

Among our desserts at the restaurant is a large selection of gelato flavors. While we have something like 40 flavors in total, the display case has enough room for 16 flavors at a time, meaning that the flavors change almost daily. Tonight, a table asked me what flavors we had, and I rattled off the list.

Customer: Do you have <flavor>? Me: No, we don't have that tonight. Customer: What about <other flavor>? Me: No, we don't have that one, either. Customer: Read me the list again. Me: Certainly. The flavors we have tonight are <all 16 flavors> Customer: Wait. Hang on. What was the second one you said? Me: <flavor> Customer: No, that wasn't it. What was the third one? Me: <flavor> Customer: What was the fourth flavor? Me: <flavor> Customer: What was the fifth flavor again? Me: <flavor> Customer: No, I thought I heard a different one in there, but it wasn't that far down. Read the list again. Me: Of course. The flavors are <the same 16 flavors I just said> Customer: Okay. Wait. I know I heard the flavor I want in there. Read it again. Me: The flavors are <the same 16 flavors I just said> Customer: Hmm... Hang on.

The customer proceeded to stand up and walk over to the display case to look himself.

Like, I told you what the flavors were, four fucking times. What, did you not believe me when I told you what we had? Did you think that getting up and looking in the display case was going to make the flavor you were looking for magically appear out of thin fucking air? I told you what we had, multiple times. Were you just not listening any of those times or something?

I fucking hate people, man.

[the-restau-rants]

The following is a message to all servers and bartenders:

You are allowed to tell people “no”.

I know, this is going to come as a complete shock to some of you, but “no” is a perfectly acceptable word to use. It exists. It is in your vocabulary. When a customer asks you for something that you do not have or do not do, you are allowed to tell them that you don’t have that or that you don’t do that. You don’t have to try to torture the menu until you get something that’s maybe kinda sorta halfway to what they wanted. You can say, “I’m sorry, but we don’t have X; can I offer you Y instead?”

It’s fine. I promise. You’re going to be fine. You’re not going to get in trouble. They aren’t going to yell at you, they aren’t going to leave you a 0% tip, they aren’t going to leave you a bad review. You aren’t going to burst into flames, and the stars are not going to fall from the heavens.

And if they do get upset? Fuck ‘em. They’re not the sort of person that you should be trying to make happy, anyway.

[the-restau-rants]

I understand that, when I'm in the pass, it is my job to put out fires.

But would it kill the service staff to put down the matches and the lighter fluid for one fucking shift?

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Guest: "What kinds of sodas do you have?"

Me: "We have coke, diet coke, sprite, ginger ale, or ginger beer."

Guest: "Do you have root beer?"

Me: "No, we don't unfortunately"

Guest: "Okay then, Dr Pepper is fine"

Me: ....................

[the-restau-rants]

I have long maintained that the best thing in any restaurant isn't on the menu; it's whatever the staff can come up with based on whatever's in the back. I have zero objections to servers making up their own dishes when they're hungry. Literally none. I have done that more times than I can count.

However.

I start having an issue when servers start recommending whatever unholy creations they have come up with for themselves, to customers.

[the-restau-rants]

Sending Big Tip Energy to everyone working tonight.

[the-restau-rants]

My dad sent me this:

And I was just like... Yeah.