the-roots-of-a-wallflower-blog - Tumblr blog

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At some point just have to give in because fighting it is too exhausting

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I should be glad you’re out of my life. You normalized an abusive lifestyle for me to a point I crave it. There isn’t one day that has gone by wihtout me wishing I hadn’t said what I said because I’d be texting you right now instead of posting this. When I’m not around you, I want simply stop existing. When I’m around you, it’s like I’m already dead.

[the-roots-of-a-wallflower-blog]

Such a shame we ended things this way. I was actually rooting for us. Every time I offered you my heart, you refused it. I can’t keep opening up to something that just won’t budge.

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Sometimes people aren’t supposed to be there forever but just certain moments of your life. That can be hard to accept especially after they leave. When you entered my life you brought pain to mine, to teach me how to grow as a person. Now you’ve left and I’m stronger than I ever. No one can ever hurt me as much as you did and I can tell of that’s good or bad.

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The way media shows mental health is unrealistic. They show all these crazy people in mental hospitals losing their mind with obvious signs of mental illness. Seems scary? What’s scarier is the fact mental illness is the exact opposite of this, it come out through little subtle actions. Choosing to not shower, skipping a meal, or preparing your order fifty times in your head just to end up leaving as soon it’s your turn. It’s not easy to spot and before you know it, it has swallowed up your whole life. Before you know it showering or just getting out of bed had become an achievement for you. It is not something you can just get rid of. There’s this false conception that one day you wake up and you’re happy. You don’t truly recover from metal illnesses, you learn how real with it. How to not give it the power to take your life away. It doesn’t mean you don’t want have bad thoughts, it simply means when you have bad these intrusive through you’ll be able to handle them. You will become stronger than your demons.

[the-roots-of-a-wallflower-blog]

Sometimes I wonder if we just stayed friends, would you be here right now?

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I wonder what it’s like for people without trust issues.

At this rate there will be no adults that know this feeling.

Only kids.

[the-roots-of-a-wallflower-blog]

It’s been hard cutting you off but I know deep down it’s the best for us. I keep thinking if I give you enough space that you’ll learn to be okay with me and come back. The harsh truth is that the speak between us is preparing me for what the future of us will be like. Nonexistent. This doesn’t invalidate our past though which makes it a bit easier. The love between us may be dimisnhing but the love we had will always remain as strong as ever.

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I can’t tell if I liked being with you because you made me feel bad or good. You made self destructive thoughts a reality and you treated me how I thiuhht I deserved to be treated.

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People say hate is the strongest emotion but it’s love. If you truly wanna break someone, love them with all your heart then leave.

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I want to move on but not forget. People say you forget things over time but I never want to lose you in time, at the same time I can’t keep you in the present when it’s killing me.

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I always knew we were fucked from the start.

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Life’s been kind of messy and I’ve been told time will fix everything. Lately it seems time wasn’t the solution.

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Every since I met you I felt myself change every day of being around you. I thought it was for the better like I wasn’t good enough before I met you. Others around me told me they were happy with the person you were shaping me into. Now about four years later and I cannot recognize the person i was before you. I don’t know if I miss her because I don’t remember her anymore.

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I warned you from the start one day you’ll get sick of me. One day the quirks you fell in love with will be the reason that the sound of my name makes you sick. The actions you found charming willl bring nothing but anger to you now. I wish I could say the same my darling. Yet I am still filled to the rim with love for you. My love you see is very limited but plentiful. There is an endless supply but only you have the key to it. Please come back and unlock it so I can feel happy again.

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The things that kill us we crave the most, is this why I miss you so much?