the-storyteller-speaks

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 13

This is a really short chapter, and it’s the last one. I know the story isn’t terribly exciting, but I like it. Any feedback would be great to hear!

Only a few days after that, Gale’s mom handed them a small, grey package without any markings on it. It was small, and Gale had a pretty good idea of what was in it.

Tearing away the packaging, Gale pulled out what looked like a tank top. Immediately, Gale frowned. It looked so small. They’d measured themself according to what the website asked them to and gotten the right size, so it must be right. Still, it looked like it was going to be very tight.

Gale pulled it over their head and found out that there was no way that they could put it on like a normal shirt. It took them a while to struggle out of it and think about the right way to put it on. Eventually, they tried again, and this time they managed to get it over their head. After that, it was an awkward few moments of trying to pull it all the way down.

When Gale turned and looked in their mirror, they grinned. It was just like when they’d bound with bandages, but it didn’t hurt. Gale could breathe almost as well as they could without the binder. They knew they weren’t supposed to wear it to exercise, and it made sense.

The comforting pressure on Gale’s chest calmed them down a little. They were thrilled with it. They loved the feeling of it on their body and they loved looking at themself in the mirror. Gale could pretend that it was just a normal tank top and that, underneath, their chest really was flat. Gale gently patted their chest and was happy to feel how flat it was.

Putting on a shirt made Gale feel even better. It helped make their chest look flatter than it already had, and Gale could hardly contain themself.

There was a knock at the door, and their mom’s voice came through. “Did you try it on? How is it?”

“It’s great,” Gale said. “Come look!”

Coming into the room, Gale’s mom smiled at her child. “You look so happy,” She said.

“I am,” Gale said.

“It looks good,” Gale’s mom said. “Your chest looks flat.”

“I know!” Gale laughed and looked down at their chest. “I’m so happy,” They said.

Gale’s mom came over and wrapped them in a tight hug. “I love you,” She said. “I want to help you feel good.”

Hugging their mom back, Gale smiled even more.

Then there was the problem of getting the binder off. When Gale had to take it off, they tried to take it off like a normal shirt. That was, apparently, wrong.

Eventually, Gale resorted to googling how to take off a binder. The answer was to pull it up and then over your head from the back. Gale got stuck halfway through getting it off, and it took a little wiggling to get it all the way off, but Gale was able to hang it up in their closet after a while. They kept looking at it and smiling. They were so happy.

…

The next day, Gale got up and struggled into their binder. Then they put on some of their new clothes and looked in the mirror. They looked so different than they had at the beginning of the summer, not even close to a year ago. They’d chopped off their hair, changed their wardrobe, gotten a binder, and they looked amazing. There were still a few things Gale would have changed, but they felt good about themself for the first time in months.

At lunch, Gale waited for their friends excitedly, sitting alone at the table. Not long after Gale got there, Aiden came and sat down.

“How are you?” He asked, noticing how much energy Gale seemed to have.

“Guess what happened,” They said.

“Uh, did you… get a haircut?”

“Nope.” Gale would’ve waited for another guess, but they were to impatient. “I got my binder!”

Aiden’s eyes looked down at Gale’s chest and he smiled. “That’s great,” He said.

For Gale, the reaction wasn’t quite as excited as they had hoped for, but Bella didn’t let them down.

“Oh my God!” Bella had exclaimed as soon as Gale told her. “That’s so great! I’m so so so happy for you! That’s probably the best thing I’ve heard all week!”

“Thanks,” Gale said with a grin. “I’m really happy about it.”

“No kidding!” Bella said. “That’s a really big deal!”

Gale laughed happily and smiled at their friends. Right then, everything seemed to be great. Gale felt like everything would keep getting better, and maybe it would. They couldn’t be sure.

In that moment, Gale was full of optimism and hope. They decided that it would get better. They were going to make it get better.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 12

A lot happens in this chapter, but that makes sense, I guess. It’s the second to last chapter. 

The next day was really tough. Gale didn’t talk to their parents before they left for school, and the first part of the day was a mess of self loathing and regret. Gale wished that they’d never told their parents about any of it. They wanted to rewind time. Not being out to their parents was better than feeling so bad about themself.

Gale almost didn’t make it past third period to lunch. They felt so bad that they wanted to raise their hand and go to the nurse. They could pretend to be sick and then go home. The problem was that Gale didn’t want to go home. They didn’t want to go anywhere. They didn’t want to deal with any of it.

Lunch with their friends did nothing to improve Gale’s mood. Bella and Aiden didn’t ask how coming out had gone. Bella already knew and she might have told Aiden not to ask about it.

The day didn’t improve until Gale got on the bus. Gale sat down as other kids started to file on. At the end of the line was a girl who must have been a freshman. She looked around nervously and sat down next to Gale, smiling quickly and then looking down at her hands.

“I’m Gale,” Gale said, feeling bad for the girl. She looked so lost, and Gale took pity on her. “What’s your name?”

“Amelia,” She said, looking at Gale in something close to awe. “Are you a senior?”

“Junior,” Gale said with a false smile.

Amelia opened her mouth, closed it, and looked at Gale awkwardly. “Can I ask you a question?” She asked, her voice quiet and mousy.

“Sure,” Gale answered, not sure if what was coming was going to be good. “What is it?”

“Are you a girl or a boy?” The small girl asked, wringing her hands.

Gale’s face must have shown how shocked they were, and Amelia winced. “I’m so sorry,” She said. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No,” Gale said, their eyes wide. “I’ve just… no one’s ever asked me that before.” They laughed a little and took a deep breath. “I’m not a girl or a boy,” They said. “It’s called being non-binary. Instead of being called ‘she’ or ‘he’ I like to be called ‘they.’”

“That’s… um… That’s a thing?” Amelia asked.

Gale smiled, suddenly reminded of themself. “Yeah,” They said. After a moment of thought, they spoke again. “Hey, if you ever have questions about that kind of stuff you can ask me, ok?”

“Yeah,” Amelia said with a relieved grin. “I’ll do that.”

…

Dinner that night was nearly silent. Gale wasn’t talking and their parents seemed to be trying to ignore what had happened the night before. Gale couldn’t say that they minded much. They wanted their parents to forget about it so that Gale could have a do-over. That way, they’d know what to expect and maybe they could stay more calm.

Gale didn’t necessarily think that they’d been unreasonable for getting upset, but they felt like they could’ve handled it better. Just like their parents weren’t trying to be rude, but they definitely could have listened better.

After they ate, Gale sat on their bed and scrolled aimlessly through the non-binary support blog. They couldn’t put into words what their question was, or even figure out if they had a question to begin with. It didn’t matter to them. They were just passing time before they could go to sleep.

A knock sounded at the door and Gale closed their laptop. “Come in,” They said, a little confused. They hadn’t thought that their parents would want to talk to them about this at all.

Gale’s mom entered the room and sat on the edge of their bed. For a moment, she was quiet, looking nervously at the ground. “I’m sorry for how things went yesterday,” She said quietly. “We didn’t listen very well, did we?”

“No, you didn’t,” Gale said.

“We didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“I know.”

“Then why did you get mad at us?”

Gale sighed. “Just because you didn’t mean it doesn’t mean that it didn’t make me feel bad. And I’m not angry at you. I’m just frustrated because it didn’t go as well as I wanted it to.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Gale’s mom said, nodding a little. “Is there anything I can do?”

Looking at their laptop, Gale nodded. “There are these things called binders and they make your chest look flat,” Gale said.

“Do you want one?”

Gale wanted to say that they wanted one more than anything in the world, but they didn’t. “Yeah,” They said instead.

“Where can you buy them?”

“Only online,” Gale said. “I’ve got the website bookmarked. Just give me a second.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“I only really figured it out during the summer,” Gale said. “Bella and Aiden know. I told Elliot and he didn’t take it well. That’s the reason we broke up.”

“I’m so sorry, honey,” Gale’s mom said. “You could’ve told us sooner.”

“Yeah,” Gale said dryly. “Because it went so well when I did.”

“Sorry,” Gale’s mom said again, looking a little guilty.

“Here,” Gale said, handing the laptop to their mom. “I want one of the long black ones.”

“Let me get my purse.” Gale’s mom stood and left the room. While she was gone, Gale tried to calm their breathing. They were finally, finally getting a binder. It felt like the most exciting day of Gale’s life.

When Gale’s mom got back, she spent a few minutes clicking and typing before she handed the laptop back to her child. “It’s on its way,” She said with a small smile.

Gale grinned back at her and hugged her. “Thank you,” They said quietly.

“Is being transgender hard?” Their mom asked. “I don’t want you to have felt bad.”

“It’s pretty hard,” Gale said. “A lot of it isn’t bad but there are a ton of other things that aren’t great.”

“They get better, though, right?” Gale’s mom was looking at them with an expression that was close to fear. “It does get better?”

Gale took a deep breath. “Some of it will,” They said with a shrug. “Other parts of it won’t. There are some things that I can do stuff about, but a lot of it has to do with other people and how they treat me. I don’t really know if that’ll ever stop being a problem. Even if everyone I know well uses the right name and pronouns, I’ll always have to make a choice about whether or not to tell new people that I meet. Like, is it worth telling the cashier who just misgendered me? Probably not, but that’s a choice that I’ll have to get used to making.”

“I’m so sorry,” Gale’s mom said yet again. “What can I do to help?”

“You can use the right name and pronouns, for a start,” Gale said. “And you can stop calling me a girl or your daughter or things like that. If I ask you to, you can help me come out to people. Um…” Gale trailed off. “I want to get some new clothes, too,” They said. “A lot of what I have is pretty feminine and I don’t really feel comfortable with dresses and things like that.”

“I’ll help you clean out your closet and get new clothes, how about that? And I’ll talk to your dad, too. He’ll understand it eventually.”

“Can we do that stuff tomorrow? It’s getting late and I still have homework I want to do.”

“Of course, honey. Just tell me if you need anything, ok?”

“Sure, Mom. Goodnight.”

When Gale got around to going to sleep, they spent a while just lying in their bed, smiling to themself. They were getting a binder. Their parents were at least trying to understand. In that moment, everything seemed ok. Not perfect, no, but ok.

…

“What about this?” Gale’s mom asked, holding up a dress.

“I don’t know,” Gale said. “Let’s put that in the basement with the other stuff for now.”

Gale’s mom threw the dress onto the growing pile of giveaway or basement bound clothes. “This?” She asked, this time holding a simple t-shirt.

“That’s fine,” Gale said. That one got folded up and put back in the drawer.

Gale had underestimated the amount of clothes that they owned that made them uncomfortable. While there weren’t a lot, their closet felt a lot more empty afterwards.

“Why don’t we go shopping for some more clothes?” Gale’s mom asked, looking at the freshly cleaned out closet. “We haven’t gone shopping together in a while.”

“Uh, sure,” Gale said. They weren’t too stoked about shopping with their mom, and they weren’t sure if their mom would even want them shopping in the guy’s section, but they couldn’t turn her down. She was really trying.

They ended up making it to the store that weekend. Gale lead their mom into the men’s section, and while she didn’t seem particularly comfortable, she didn’t say anything and started to look for clothes for her child.

Gale wasn’t sure how many trips they made to the dressing room, but it was a lot. By the time they left the store with their mom, they had tried on more clothes than they owned. They didn’t buy much, only a pair of pants and a few shirts, but it felt nice to find more clothes that made them feel good about themself.

…

“Did you get new clothes?” Bella asked on Monday at lunch. “It looks cool!”

“Yeah,” Gale said with a smile. “And my binder should be getting here really soon.”

“Oh my gosh!” Bella exclaimed. “That’s so great! I’m so happy for you!”

“I’m really excited for it,” Gale said. “I can’t wait.”

“So how are your parents doing with everything?” Aiden asked.

Gale shrugged. “Not too bad. They’re trying. My mom helped me get new clothes and everything, so that’s nice. My dad still isn’t great about my pronouns but he tries to use them.”

“Well, I guess that’s something,” Bella said with a shrug. “Plus you got a binder out of it. I know how much you wanted one.”

“Yeah,” Gale said. “I don’t know, it hasn’t been great but it’s not bad, either.”

“That’s pretty good,” Bella said. “Way better than Elliot.”

Gale rolled their eyes. Now that time had passed, they were able to think about Elliot without wanting to scream. It still bothered them, but they could talk about it freely. “That sucked,” Gale said. “How’s he doing, by the way? I don’t have any classes with him, thank God.”

“I don’t know,” Bella said. “I try not to think about him.”

“He’s fine,” Aiden said. “I have a couple of classes with him. His grades aren’t all that great, but he’s pretty good.”

“Darn it,” Bella said, gently pounding her fist against the table.

Gale laughed. “I’m just glad he didn’t tell anyone when I came out to him.”

“That would’ve been bad,” Bella said. “I didn’t really think about that.”

“Well, it turned out fine in the end,” Gale said.

“He’s still a jerk,” Bella said, sounding a little bitter.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Gale said. Bella raised her eyebrows, her arms crossed, and Gale sighed. “Ok, it was pretty bad. But I’m not too upset about it anymore. I never want to talk to him again in my life, but I’m not too upset.”

“I, for one, am very upset,” Bella said. “He’d better watch out. If he messes with my friends again I’m going to… do something bad to him.” Aiden and Gale laughed, and Bella glared at them, trying not to laugh along with them.

That day was good, and so was the next. Waiting for their binder was agonizing, but Gale knew that it was on its way.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 11

Only a couple more chapters to go! Tell me what you think :)

When Gale got around to starting the book from Bella, they were severely disappointed. Within the first chapter, it established that the character was “a boy who felt like a girl” and that “he wanted to be a girl.”

The book only got worse from there. Every time a character said something like “She used to be a boy” or “he’s a girl now,” Gale felt a little piece of hope dying inside of them. If this was the only literature out there for them to read about trans people, they’d rather have none.

Saying those things was fundamentally wrong. A trans girl was first and foremost a girl. She had never been a boy and should never be referred to by the wrong pronouns, even if someone was talking about her before she came out. The book was deeply upsetting to Gale, and it made them feel like they’d never find a character that represented them.

Something was obviously wrong. No trans person would ever write a story like that. Gale googled the author’s name and read her biography, and nowhere did it say anything about her being trans.

It was like someone had decided to write a story from the point of view of someone they could never hope to understand. Gale couldn’t have explained how it felt to be trans if they tried, and if they couldn’t, how could a cis person hope to do it for them?

Gale wanted to put the book through a shredder, but they settled for putting it on their top shelf where they wouldn’t be able to see it. They wouldn’t tell Bella about how upsetting the book had been. Her intentions had been good. She just didn’t know any better.

Still, the book bothered Gale. They knew that people would read it and think that the stuff inside of it was ok. They, just like Bella, wouldn’t know any better. They would be left with terrible ideas about how trans people were to be treated. They would go out and unintentionally hurt trans people with their words.

Gale knew how much words could hurt. Elliot’s words had left them feeling terrible. The words on the pages of that book were making Gale’s hope for the future fall apart like paper in water. Would anyone ever know how to treat them? Or would they always be met with ignorance that they would have to correct?

Pulling up their laptop, Gale opened a document and started typing angrily. By the time they’d calmed down, nearly an hour later, they’d written pages and pages about how to treat transgender people. They’d written what to say and what not to say, ways to help and things that made Gale feel terrible.

When they were done, Gale closed the document without saving. They’d been venting, nothing more. They didn’t want to read over it and get themself worked up again.

Even though Gale was ok with talking about being trans, they didn’t want to feel like they always had to correct people. Still, if they didn’t, the people would just keep saying things to make Gale upset. If they didn’t correct people, they’d be left knee deep in dysphoria. If they did, they’d be exhausted and frustrated. There wasn’t a way to win.

Gale felt absolutely trapped. They were trapped in a place where no one could understand them. They were trapped in a place where they wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable unless they explained everything. They were absolutely trapped.

…

“So, what’s up with you guys?” Bella asked as she, Gale, and Aiden all sat down on Gale’s bedroom floor.

Gale spread out the monopoly board and started setting it up as Aiden answered. “Not much, I’ve been swamped with school work, but I’m guessing you guys are, too.”

“Tell me about it,” Bella said, rolling her eyes. “I hardly have time to sleep anymore.”

“How do you handle it, Gale?”

“Oh,” They said. “Uh, I just… don’t do half of it. I haven’t got any energy to spare.”

“That’s fair,” Aiden said with a shrug. “At least you get some time to sleep.”

Bella studied Gale’s face. “Is there something you want to tell us?” She asked. “You’re scrunching up your eyebrows again.”

“Uh, yeah,” Gale said. “I think I’m going to come out to my parents soon.”

“Really?” Bella asked. “That’s great!”

“I’m really nervous,” Gale said.

“No kidding,” Aiden said with a grimace. “I couldn’t stop shaking when I came out.”

“Is there any reason in particular?” Bella asked. “I know you weren’t feeling too confident about how your parents would react.”

“I just can’t handle it anymore,” Gale said with a shrug. “It’s really hard to pretend to be a girl all the time.”

“Do you want to practice with us?” Bella asked. “I can pretend to be your mom and Aiden can be your dad.”

“Weird,” Aiden said, “But ok, I’m in.”

“I guess so,” Gale said. “Do you think it’ll help?”

“I practiced a ton of times in the mirror in my room,” Bella said with a shrug. “It made me feel better about knowing what to say. Honestly, I think it’s best to keep it short because parents aren’t great about understanding this stuff.”

“Ok,” Gale said. “Uh, should I just start?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Bella said with a nod.

“Ok, yeah,” Gale said. They took a deep breath and started. “A little while ago I figured out that I’m not a girl, but I’m not a boy either. It’s called being non-binary, and I like to use they/them pronouns and the name Gale.”

Looking at their friends, Gale saw Aiden nodding awkwardly and Bella sitting there with a small smile that looked like it had been plastered onto her face. “You guys ok?” They asked.

“Oh, I’m just acting like my mom did,” Bella said.

“And I was pretending to be my dad,” Aiden said. “That’s pretty much how he reacted.”

“Thanks, guys,” Gale said sarcastically. They looked down at the monopoly board. “Why don’t we get started, though?” They asked. “I’d rather beat you guys at monopoly.”

It was an hour later that they finished the extremely short game of monopoly. Bella and Gale were sitting in shock and looking at Aiden.

“You beat Gale at monopoly,” Bella said in awe. “I’ve been trying for years and I’ve never won.”

Aiden shrugged. “I’ve been playing with my grandmother for years,” He said. “I’ve had a lot of practice. Anyway, most of it’s luck, anyway. Not much you can do.”

“Screw you,” Gale said, scrunching up their face at Aiden. “I’ll beat you next time.”

…

Gale’s heart pounded in their chest. “Mom? Dad? Can I talk to you?” They asked quietly.

“Sure, Emma,” Their mom said, turning to smile at them from the sink. “Just let me finish washing the dishes.”

It wasn’t long before Gale was sitting with their parents in the living room. “I have to tell you something,” They said. “Can you promise to let me finish talking before you jump in?”

“Yes,” Gale’s father said, frowning a little in worry.

Gale took a deep breath. “So a while ago I was feeling bad and I realized that I’m not really a girl. But I’m not a boy, either. It’s called being non-binary. I don’t like being called ‘he’ or ‘she.’ I kind of like to use they/them pronouns and my name is Gale.”

For a moment, everyone was silent. “You can talk now,” Gale said.

“So you don’t think you’re a girl?” Gale’s mom asked, her voice confused.

“I’m not a girl,” Gale confirmed.

“But… biologically speaking, you’re a girl.”

Gale swallowed. They’d prepared for this, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. “Bodies don’t have genders,” Gale said. “The only way to have a girl’s body is to be a girl.”

“I don’t understand,” Gale’s dad said, the frown still on his face. “You want to be a boy?”

“No, Dad. I told you I’m not a boy.”

“But you aren’t a girl?”

“No, like I said, I’m non-binary. That means I’m not a girl or a boy.”

“But your body is a girl body,” Their mom insisted.

Gale bit the inside of their cheek. “No,” They said firmly. “No, it’s not.”

“But if a doctor asked, you’d have to say you have a girl body,” Gale’s mom said.

“First of all, my doctor knows what body I have, but secondly, I could just tell the doctor what body parts I’ve got. I don’t have to misgender myself to get medical care.”

“What does misgender mean?”

Gale sighed in frustration. “It means to call someone by pronouns or gendered terms that that person doesn’t use. If I called you a man, I’d be misgendering you. If you called me a girl, you’d be misgendering me.”

“Why are you so worked up?” Gale’s dad asked.

“Because you guys sound like a broken record,” Gale said angrily. “I’m not a girl and I don’t have a girl’s body!”

“Why are you mad at us? Is it because we thought you were a girl?”

“No, it’s because you still think I’m a girl even though I told you I’m not!”

“Emma--”

“My name is GALE!” Gale yelled, feeling tears come to their eyes when they heard their old name.

“Why don’t you like the name we gave you?” Their dad asked angrily. “It’s a good name!”

“But it’s so girly,” Gale moaned.

“Why don’t we get to chose your new name?”

“Because it’s not your name to chose!”

Silence fell over the group, and no one seemed to know what to say. “Em -- I mean, Gale,” Gale’s mom started, acting like she was doing God’s work by using Gale’s real name. “If you want a boy’s body then you’ll have to wait. We can’t get surgery now. You’re only seventeen. You can’t be sure this is how you really feel.”

“I don’t want a boy’s body,” Gale said, tears welling in their eyes. “I just want a flat chest.”

“Gale,” Their mom said gently. “It’s ok to have body image issues. A lot of people your age do. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a girl.”

“It’s not a body image issue,” Gale said, a single tear dripping down their face. “It’s a really, really bad feeling that I can’t explain to you but I know it isn’t just a body image issue.”

“Gale--”

“Why can’t you just LISTEN TO ME? I’m non-binary and I use they/them pronouns!”

“Those aren’t singular pronouns,” Gale’s dad said stubbornly.

“Yes, they are,” Gale said. “We use them all the time.”

“How are you even supposed to use them?” Gale’s mom asked.

“They went to the store. They love themself. That’s theirs. I love them.” Gale said, not hesitating. “You already know how to use them. You use them every day.”

“It’s too hard,” Gale’s dad said, pursing his lips. “Even if we use those pronouns for you, no one else will. You can’t expect people to do that for you.”

“So me feeling good about myself isn’t worth you learning something new?” Gale asked, clenching their fists.

“I’m just saying that you can’t just assume that the world revolves around you and--”

“I’ve been out to Bella for months and she’s NEVER slipped up on my name or pronouns and you’re telling me it’s too HARD?”

“Emma--”

“It’s GALE.”

“Why are you getting so upset?”

“Because I hate hearing that name!”

“Don’t talk to me like that!”

“Why do I have to stay calm when you can’t even use my real name?” Gale said loudly.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM!” Gale’s dad yelled.

Gale jumped and backed away in fear before turning and running to the stairs. They closed their door and started to cry, trying to stay as quiet as possible. They sat on their bed and grabbed their phone.

hey bella. can u talk?

It wasn’t long before Gale got a response. 

sure, whats up? did u come out?

Yeah, I did.

and?

I don’t know. They said my pronouns are too hard for people to use.

i’m so sorry. anything i can do?

Don’t think so. It just sucks. Not how I wanted it to go.

i felt the same when my mom outed me to my dad. i wanted to do it myself but it didn’t really go that way.

Do you think it’ll blow over?

probably. i can’t imagine that your parents would be angry at you for long. correct me if i’m wrong tho.

Nah, you’re right. It just feels really bad rn.

are you safe?

Yeah, definitely. Thanks for asking.

no problem. just want to make sure you’re ok.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 10

We’re getting close to the end of the story :(

Gale got up feeling terrible. Every move they made reminded them that their chest was there and they hated it. The dysphoria was worse than it had been in a while.

The only thing Gale wanted to do was bind. They wanted to take out the bandages from the cabinet in the bathroom and wind them around their chest again. They didn’t want to care about how much it would hurt, or how dangerous it was. They just wanted to be able to feel good about their body for once.

Gale managed not to. It felt like the hardest thing Gale had ever done, but they didn’t put the bandages on. Instead, they put on their new shirt. It didn’t make them feel as good as it had when they’d been in the store.

They walked to the bus stop and waited in silence. When they got on, the motion of the bus and their chest was enough to make Gale want to throw up in disgust.

The first few periods of the day were blurred out in Gale’s memory. They couldn’t remember what they did or said or learned, and they didn’t care. They just wanted to get through the day so that they could go back to sleep. Dysphoria didn’t bother them when they were asleep.

Lunch was a little more eventful. When Gale showed up at their usual table, Bella and Aiden were already there. “Hey, Gale!” Bella said cheerfully when Gale sat down. “How’s it going?”

“Not great,” Gale muttered, putting their lunch bag on the table and using it to block themself off from their friends.

Aiden and Bella glanced at each other and shared a look of confusion.

“Oh, I forgot to mention this,” Bella said, “But the auditions for the fall play are coming up! I know how much you like theatre and I thought--”

“What parts am I supposed to get?” Gale asked, snapping at their friend. “A girl’s part? They probably wouldn’t let me play a boy, and I know for sure there aren’t any non-binary parts.”

Bella frowned. “I hadn’t thought about it that way,” She said. “Sorry.”

Gale hated everything. They hated that everyone thought they were a girl. They hated that they didn’t have non-binary characters in books or movies. They’d never seen anyone mention non-binary people in popular media and it didn’t seem like it was going to happen any time soon.

Gale felt so alone and no one could understand. They didn’t know how it felt to be so isolated. No one else could understand what dysphoria made Gale feel like unless they’d experienced it themselves, and Gale didn’t know any other trans people.

“Hey, are you ok?” Aiden asked, sounding a little alarmed. Bella and Aiden could see that Gale’s eyes were welling with tears, and they didn’t know what to do that might help.

“I’m sorry I brought up the play,” Bella said nervously. “I should’ve--”

“It isn’t your fault, Bella,” Gale said, sounding more angry than they had planned to. “I just feel really bad today and I just want my chest to be flat but it isn’t and it’s never going to be that way and I just…” Gale trailed off and put their head in their hands.

For a while, the table was silent. Eventually, Gale felt a soft hand touch theirs. When they looked up, Bella was offering them an oreo.

Gale almost started to cry. Tears were welling in their eyes but they held them back and tried to smile at their friend. They took the oreo and Bella seemed satisfied. “We just want you to feel ok,” Bella said, her face full of sympathy.

Taking a bite of the oreo, Gale avoided looking at their friends. They were embarrassed. They knew that Bella and Aiden understood, but it was still humiliating to cry in the middle of the lunch room. They wiped their face and pretended to be fine.

Eventually, Bella and Aiden went back to talking together, and Gale was left on their own. They tried not to think much, but it didn’t work too well. Their mind kept running in circles around how much they wanted a binder and how much better it would make them feel.

…

After that, Gale made up their mind. They had to tell their parents and get a binder before they ended up hurting themself binding with bandages. Still, coming out to Elliot had scared them. They wanted to make sure they would be accepted this time.

So that night at dinner, Gale sat nervously and waited for the right time to come. Eventually, there was a lull in the conversation and Gale stepped in. “I was reading a really cool book earlier,” They started, not looking up from their plate, where they pushed around their food. “It was about this transgender person who uses they/them pronouns.”

“Those aren’t real pronouns,” Gale’s father said, not sounding too interested in the conversation.

“I mean, we use them all the time,” Gale said with a shrug that they forced to look casual.

“Oh, Alice,” Gale’s dad said, not answering his child and instead addressing his wife. “I forgot to get those groceries you asked me to get.”

Gale watched as the conversation steered away from their topic and went into a small, slightly heated conversation about their father’s inability to handle responsibility. Gale was lost in thought anyway.

Their father’s response hadn’t necessarily surprised Gale. They hadn’t been expecting much, but it was disappointing nonetheless. They had gotten their hopes up even though they shouldn’t have.

Later, Gale sat on their bed with their laptop opened to the non-binary support blog. They had typed out their question but they were nervous to send it.

Hi, I want to come out to my parents but I just found out that my dad doesn’t think my pronouns (they/them) are real. I already came out to someone who was really unsupportive and I don’t want that to happen again, but I need to get a binder. Can you help me?

It took days for their question to be answered. Gale had started to check it obsessively every day after school. Sometimes they got up early to check in case it had been posted after they went to sleep.

When it was answered, though, it wasn’t particularly comforting.

I know it sucks, but if you don’t think you’re safe to come out to your parents, you probably shouldn’t. If you do come out, your dad might change his mind after he finds out that you personally use they/them pronouns. As for the binder, it is possible to get one if you ask a friend to order it for you so it doesn’t go to your house. The only problem would be making sure your parents don’t notice. I hope that helped. Good luck!

Gale took a deep breath. They didn’t think they were unsafe to come out, but they weren’t sure how their parents would react. Their dad might change his mind, but Gale wasn’t quite sure. He could be pretty stubborn and opinionated.

As for the binder, the idea of having one of their friends get it for them filled them with anxiety. They didn’t want to be forced to come out because their parents found out they had a binder.

In the end, they decided to stay away from having a friend buy them a binder. It was too risky for them. But the idea of reaching out to a friend for help in other areas was much better. After all, it had been on the list of coping mechanisms.

“Hi, Bella,” Gale said quietly, leaning their head back against the headboard. “Do you have time to talk?”

“Sure,” Bella said, picking up on Gale’s solemn tone and making sure to keep her voice gentle. “What’s up?”

“I talked to my parents,” Gale said. “I mean, there were about three sentences but we talked.”

“About what?”

“About my pronouns. I didn’t say they were mine but I brought up they/them pronouns and my dad said they weren’t ‘real’ or something. I don’t know. It’s just… I wanted to come out and get a binder but I don’t know if I can make myself do it now.”

Bella was silent for a little before she spoke. “Ok,” She said slowly. “I’m sorry that happened, but your pronouns are real. And I know most parents only want their kids to be happy. To me, it looks like yours would be willing to at least try to use your pronouns.”

“I know,” Gale said. “I’m just worried they’re going to make a big deal about it and tell me how hard it is for them. You’d think they’d recognize that they aren’t the ones going through hell.”

“That’s pretty tough for you to deal with,” Bella said. “I understand why they’d say that it’s hard to switch pronouns and that stuff, but it seems kind of selfish, doesn’t it? It seems like they’re just making it about themselves instead of about you. That sucks.”

“Yeah,” Gale said, nodding even though Bella couldn’t see them. “I don’t think you’ve ever slipped up with pronouns, and you definitely haven’t said how hard it is for you to do it.”

“It wasn’t that hard, really,” Bella said. “It took some getting used to and I had to practice talking about you a little, but overall it was pretty easy. Plus it was worth it to make you feel good.”

“You’re the best person in the whole world,” Gale said.

Bella laughed, her voice sounding joyful and full of hope. Her smile slipped through the phone even though Gale couldn’t see her. “Thank you.”

Gale took a deep breath and looked at the clock. It was almost nine. “I’ve gotta go,” They said. “I still haven’t finished my homework yet.”

“Yikes,” Bella said. “Go do that. Good luck! Bye!”

The call ended and for a moment Gale just breathed. The last thing they wanted to do was their homework, but they knew that they couldn’t just leave it unfinished. Their grades had slipped far enough, and Gale didn’t want them to get worse.

Gale didn’t want dysphoria to ruin anything else in their life. It had already messed up swimming and even occasionally taken away their very will to be alive, and they weren’t going to let it make them fail their classes.

…

A few long, exhausting weeks later, it was Gale’s seventeenth birthday. There had been a few times when Gale had thought that they might not make it to then, but they did. They made it.

It was worth it. Bella and Aiden came over, and for a while Gale lost themself in the festive atmosphere. The best part was the birthday cards. There were only two, but they both were addressed to Gale, not Emma.

Gale opened their gift from Bella to find a book. It wasn’t too thick or too thin, and for the most part it looked completely normal.

“Read the back!” Bella said excitedly.

Gale turned it over and their eyes skimmed the description, widening as they did. “This is about a trans person?” Gale asked, looking up with a smile.

“Yeah!” Bella said. “She doesn’t use they/them pronouns but it was the only one I could find and--”

“I love it,” Gale said, a grin across their face. “Thank you so much!”

Bella seemed to sigh in relief. “I was worried you wouldn’t like it,” She said.

“Thank you so much,” Gale said, looking at the cover and smiling again.

The rest of the time with Bella and Aiden was spent laughing. Dysphoria was virtually non-existent, probably because the two people with Gale didn’t see them as a girl, no matter what their clothes or body looked like. Gale felt like they belonged. Something was finally there. It wasn’t just right. It was perfect.

The next day, Gale celebrated their birthday with their parents. That meant a card addressed to Emma and a few presents that Gale didn’t care much about. Later, they weren’t even sure if they could say what they got. Their dysphoria was back in full force, and they wished that they would open up a gift and find a binder inside. Needless to say, it didn’t happen.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 9

Bella came over the next day. Gale had called her to tell her that they weren’t feeling very good and needed someone to talk to. They had left out just how bad they’d been feeling last night, but they told themself that it wasn’t important.

Soon, Bella and Gale were sitting on Gale’s floor eating the oreos that Bella had brought over. “So, can I ask what happened?” Bella asked quietly.

“I almost came out to my mom,” Gale said. “I was just too scared. I got pretty upset about it. I don’t know. It just wasn’t a good day.”

“I guess it’s ok to have a bad day every once in a while,” Bella said, “But you’ve had to go through a lot of them. I’m sorry about that.”

“It isn’t your fault,” Gale said with a shrug. “I just don’t really know how to deal with it yet.”

“We could try to come up with some of them now,” Bella offered, “We can make a list or something. Do you have a paper and pencil?”

“Yeah, give me a sec.” Gale got the supplies from their desk and sat back down with Bella, taking another cookie.

“Ok,” Bella said, taking the pencil up in her hand. “Let’s just start with stuff you already know helps, ok?”

“I don’t know if I can think of any,” Gale said. “I guess eating cookies helps? And baggy clothes make me feel a little better about my body.”

Bella nodded and her hand moved across the page, writing the words in a slanting cursive that was hardly legible. “Anything else?”

“I guess distracting myself works?”

“Sure, that counts. Does it help to talk to someone about it?”

“Yeah,” Gale said. “How many things is that?”

Bella’s eyes scanned the few words she’d written on the page. “Four, I think. Cookies, baggy clothes, distracting yourself, and talking about it. Is there anything else you can think of?”

Gale shrugged. “It’s hard to think of things.”

“That’s ok,” Bella said. After a moment, her eyes went wide. “Hey,” She said. “We could go buy some clothes that make you feel good, if you want! I could even call Aiden and he could come with us!”

“That would be fun,” Gale said with a smile. Then, the smile slowly faded away. “I don’t know,” Gale said. They didn’t want to leave the house because people would see them and assume they were a girl.

“Is it about how you look?” Bella asked, and Gale nodded. “I’ve got an idea for that, too. Do you have any makeup?” Gale pointed to their dresser, where they’d left out the little makeup that they ever used. Bella grabbed it and put it in the empty box that she’d used to bring over the cookies. “Ok, come on, put on your favorite clothes and we can get going.”

Downstairs, Gale’s mom gave them some money. “You need new clothes anyway,” Their mom said, looking Gale up and down. “That t-shirt is ancient. Are you going downtown? I know there are a few shops that you like there.”

“Yeah,” Gale said. “We shouldn’t be gone too long. I’ve got my phone with me, so you can call if you need to.” They and Bella set off to stop by Bella’s house. Gale wasn’t sure why they were going there, but they didn’t mind.

“We’re going to meet Aiden at my house. I gave him my address so hopefully he won’t get lost,” Bella said, looking at her phone.

Once inside Bella’s house, she quickly lead Gale upstairs and sat them down on her bed before rummaging through a small bag and pulling things out. Then she took out the makeup from the cookie box and laid it all out on the bed next to Gale.

“What are you doing?” Gale asked, but Bella just smiled mischievously.  

“You’re going to have to wait and see. If you don’t like it you can take it off, but trust me on this one.”

“Ok,” Gale said apprehensively, and they let Bella get to work.

It felt like forever had passed before Bella was done. “Ok ok ok,” She said excitedly. “Look!” She pulled Gale over to her mirror and they looked at themself. They looked different. They looked less like a girl and more somewhere in between.

“Whoa,” Gale said, their eyes wide. “That’s… how did you do that?”

“Well, I used a darker shade of makeup to contour your face around your cheekbones, jaw, nose and eyes,” Bella said. “I’ve been practicing this kind of stuff for myself, so it wasn’t hard to change it around to make you look less feminine. I can show you how to do it on yourself later, if you want. Do you like it?”

Gale was glowing. “I love it,” They said, grinning. They turned and threw their arms around Bella and squeezed. “Thank you so much,” they said. When they pulled away, they looked in the mirror again. They couldn’t get enough of how they looked. for once they felt like they didn’t look like a girl.

Just then, the doorbell rang. “Oh, that’s probably Aiden,” Bella said. “Come on, let’s go show off your face. It looks amazing, if I do say so myself.”

Gale laughed giddily and followed Bella down the narrow staircase. It was Aiden, and when he saw Gale’s makeup he smiled. “Hey, that looks cool,” He said. “How did you do that?”

“Bella did it,” Gale said with a shrug. “It does look cool, though.”

“So, are we going shopping?” Aiden asked. “That’s what Bella told me we were doing.”

“Yup,” Bella said, grabbing her bag from beside the door. “Let’s go!”

…

Gale looked through the racks of clothes and occasionally looked around nervously. They knew that they weren’t doing anything wrong, but they were worried that someone would point them out and say that they didn’t belong in the boy’s section. Aiden and Bella were there too, and Bella was trying to help Gale find some new clothes while Aiden did some shopping of his own. They’d been to a couple of stores before this one, but the others hadn’t had any clothes Gale’s size.

“What about this, Gale?” Bella called from down the aisle. She was holding a striped navy and white button down shirt. “Do you like it?”

“I don’t know,” Gale said, tilting their head. “What do you think, Aiden?”

Aiden looked at it and shrugged. “I don’t know,” He said. “I don’t know if I really like the way that one looks. The navy kinda looks like black and to me that makes it look like a prison shirt.”

“Yikes,” Bella said, grimacing and putting it back. “I don’t want Gale looking like they just broke out of jail.”

Gale laughed, but then their eyes widened.

“What’s up?” Bella asked.

“Nothing,” Gale said, turning as they kept looking for clothes. They didn’t tell Bella that that was the first time they’d heard their pronouns out loud. They didn’t tell her how amazing it had felt. They didn’t tell her that their heart had leapt and everything seemed better.

Gale tried on some guy jeans but found them a little too baggy for their taste. Most of the clothes were too big for them, and only certain brands carried sizes small enough for Gale to fit.

Gale was just passing Bella on their way to the changing rooms when someone’s voice reached their ears. “Excuse me, girls, can I help you?” An employee was standing there with what should’ve been a helpful smile, but to Gale it seemed like a sneer.

Gale swallowed and looked at Bella. “Actually, they’re not a girl, but thanks,” Bella said.

“Who?” The employee asked in confusion.

“Them,” Bella said, pointing to Gale. “They’re not a girl. I don’t think we need help, but thanks for asking.” Bella rolled her eyes and turned her back to the employee, who looked thoroughly confused. “Let’s go look at more clothes,” She said to Gale, smiling gently and taking their arm.

“Yeah,” Gale said quietly, swallowing and walking away with Bella. “Thanks for correcting her,” Gale said with a small smile.

“No problem,” Bella said, looking at Gale kindly.

It wasn’t long before Aiden found them again. He looked worried when he saw how Gale’s face looked a little strained. “Hey, are you ok?” He asked with his brow furrowed.

“I don’t know,” Gale said, forcing a smile even though they wanted to cry.

“A person called them a girl,” Bella explained quickly. “Is there anything we can do?” Bella asked, turning back to her friend.

“I don’t know,” Gale said again, blinking back tears.

“Do you want to keep looking at clothes?” Aiden asked. “We can find something that you feel good in.”

Gale shrugged, but let their friends guide them through the racks of clothes, looking for something that would fit and look good.

“This?” Bella asked, holding up a simple white shirt.

“You really like button downs, don’t you?” Aiden asked with a laugh.

“I just think they’re cute,” Bella said with a disdainful sniff.

“Bella,” Aiden sighed. “I don’t know how good that’ll look on Gale.”

“But Aiden,” Bella said, looking at him in exasperation, “Look at Gale. They’re just so cute. Anything looks good on them.”

Gale laughed and took the shirt from Bella’s hands. They looked at it and shrugged. “Why not?” They asked, going into the changing rooms.

When they put it on, their heart leapt. They weren’t sure what it was about the shirt, but to them their chest looked wonderfully flat. They covered their mouth and held back the urge to jump. It wasn’t perfect, but their chest looked much more flat than usual.

Gale didn’t want to take the shirt off. Bella and Aiden saw Gale come out of the changing rooms with a grin on their face. “Good pick?” Bella asked, and Gale nodded happily. “See, Aiden? Button downs are cute,” Bella said.

“Well, that one is,” He said with a shrug.

After checking out, the three of them went back out into the fresh air.

“Let’s get ice cream,” Bella suggested, and the three of them headed down the street to the ice cream shop. They sat inside, as it was starting to get too cold to sit outside.

“Oh, guys, I have news!” Bella said excitedly. “You know how I was talking about that girl Hailey? Well, I talked to her and she’s super cool! I don’t think she likes me but she’s really cute, isn't’ she?”

“Someone’s got a crush,” Gale teased.

“Well, at least I’ll get a girlfriend someday,” Bella said haughtily.

That day, Gale tried to forget their dysphoria by filling themself with chocolate ice cream. The ice cream helped, the shirt helped, and being with their friends helped too, but the dysphoria was still there. In fact, it stayed with Gale for the rest of the day. It was there on the walk back home, it was there at dinner, and it was there when Gale tried to go to sleep.

The thing that bothered Gale the most wasn’t that the employee had mistaken them for a girl. The problem was that Gale knew that everyone they passed on the street would assume they were a girl. The problem was that Gale felt like they looked completely, utterly feminine. Some days it was better than others, but in that moment Gale felt like everything about them was wrong.

No, maybe not everything about them. Maybe it was that something was wrong with everyone else and the way they saw Gale. That’s what they decided on, at least. It wasn’t their fault that people mistook them for a girl. It wasn’t something Gale could do much to control, and they hated knowing that.

It was a feeling of despair and helplessness. There was almost nothing Gale could do to look less like a girl other than wearing different clothes and doing their makeup. They felt like they were drowning in hopelessness.

Right then, it seemed like nothing would ever get better. Gale hated it. It wasn’t as bad as it had been the night before, but it was definitely there.

Sure, Gale knew that some things would get better. They would eventually get a binder and maybe even surgery. Eventually people would start to learn more about trans and non-binary people. Still, that definitely didn’t mean that Gale wouldn’t spend the rest of their life trying to teach people who didn’t want to learn about their gender. It didn’t mean that Gale wouldn’t have to avoid things that made them uncomfortable. It just meant that sometimes it would be a little better than it was now.

Gale hated it. They didn’t want to deal with any of it. They didn’t want to have to be trans. Sure, they liked their gender. They were glad they had figured it out and they liked some parts of being transgender, but there were a lot of other things that made life look like it wasn’t worth living. Part of them wished that they just weren’t this way. They just didn’t want to deal with it.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 8

Another Chapter! I realize that this story is kind of anti-climactic so sorry about that. Still, I like it. If you have any feedback, feel free to tell me!

As it turned out, Elliot didn’t tell anyone. At least, no one was talking about it. It was strange for Elliot to not join Bella and Gale for lunch, but Gale told themself that it didn’t matter.

Bella had packed oreos in her lunch, and while she insisted that she hadn’t brought them in just for Gale, she didn’t eat any of them herself.

“I’m glad I don’t have any classes with him,” Gale said with a sigh.

“Oh, wait,” Bella said, her eyes widening. “I’ve got last period with him. Awkward. But I promise not to beat him up.”

“Thanks,” Gale said, letting themself laugh a little at Bella’s joke. It was good to be able to laugh about something. Elliot was far from the only thing that wasn’t going well in Gale’s life, and having a bright spot in their day was always nice.

Next period, Gale sat in class as the teacher went on and on and on about their new group project. They had to break into groups of three and make a model of the human body. Gale had this class with Bella, so they knew they’d have her in their group, but they weren’t close with anyone else in the class.

“Ok, go form your groups,” The teacher announced. “Don’t take too long, though.”

Immediately, the room erupted into noise. Gale managed to latch onto Bella in the chaos, but they could only look around helplessly for another group member.

“Hey,” Said a voice from behind them. “Do you have three people already?”

Gale and Bella turned to find themself facing the new kid. He’d only started school a week ago, so they figured he knew even fewer people than they did. “Nope,” Bella said cheerfully. “You can join our group. What’s your name again?”

“Aiden,” The guy said, biting his lip. “You?”

“Bella,” Bella said, “And this is… Uh…”

Helplessly, Bella turned to Gale, who stood there quietly for a moment. “I’m Gale,” They finally said, and a rush of happiness came over them. That was the first time they’d introduced themself with their real name.

“Ok,” Aiden said with a smile. “So, do you know what to do? I’ve only been in this class for a week.”

“Oh, yeah, we’ve been on this unit for almost a month now,” Bella said. “Don’t worry about it. I know I’ve been paying attention. I don’t know about Gale, though.”

“I’ve got a lot going on, but at least I’m on track with this class,” Gale said with a laugh.

“Well, I’m proud of you,” Bella said. “But we’ve got a project to talk about.”

…

That weekend, Gale found themself in Aiden’s spacious room, sitting on the floor and coloring with markers like a kindergartener. They weren’t talking much, and it was pretty awkward.

“Sorry I’m late,” Bella said, rushing into the room. “My mom wanted to stop at the grocery store. I’m just as bad as Ell--” She paused, smiled awkwardly, and sat down without saying anything else.

“Just as bad as who?” Aiden asked.

Gale sighed. “Elliot. I don’t know if you know him. He’s pretty tall, his hair’s blonde, he’s an absolute jerk, you know, that kind of stuff.”

“What did he do?” Aiden asked, looking between Gale and Bella.

Once again, Gale sighed. “So, I’m transgender. I’m not a girl or a boy, and that’s called being non-binary. I use they/them pronouns because those make me feel good. The thing is, Elliot wasn’t so great about it. We used to date but we broke up after I came out because he thought it wasn’t a real thing.”

“Oh, non-binary!” Aiden said. “I’ve heard of that. It’s cool. Thanks for telling me.”

Gale was pleasantly surprised. “No problem,” They said. “Oh, but you can’t really tell anyone yet. I’m only out to Bella and you. And Elliot, I guess.”

“Ok, got it,” Elliot said, nodding. “So is that all you identify as? I know some people are genderfluid or agender or that stuff.”

“I haven’t really thought about that too much,” Gale said with a shrug. “I’m comfortable enough just using non-binary, so I don’t really feel like I have to go find something more specific. But anyway, back to Elliot, he’s a jerk and you should stay as far away from him as possible.”

“Noted,” Aiden said, looking back down at the diagram he was outlining. “This doesn’t look very good, does it?” He asked. “My hands are too shaky for this.”

“I can do it, if you want,” Bella said. “We can trade. I’m tired of coloring the background.”

For a while, they made small talk. Then, Bella gasped. “I forgot!” She exclaimed, turning to Gale. “There’s this girl in my math class named Hailey and I just found out she’s a lesbian, too! Plus she’s super super cute.”

“I know who you’re talking about,” Gale said with a nod. “She is pretty cute.”

“Wait, Bella,” Aiden said. “You’re a lesbian?”

“Yeah,” Bella said, looking a little surprised. “I’m pretty open about it, but I guess you’ve only been here a few weeks.”

“I’m bi!” Aiden said excitedly.

Bella’s face lit up. “Hey!” She exclaimed. “We’re all LGBT! We can be The Gay Club and we can invite my girlfriend once I get one!”

“I’m not gay,” Gale pointed out. After a moment of thought they frowned a little. “But I’m not straight, either. Huh. Does that count?”

“We can be The Not Straight group,” Bella said. “That might be a little more accurate.”

“I’m going to form my own group,” Gale said. “The Not Cis Club.”

“Wait,” Bella said, frowning. “What’s cis?”

“Oh,” Gale said. “Cisgender. It’s just the opposite of transgender. So if you aren’t trans then you’re cis.”

“That makes sense,” Aiden said. “Do you have any other members for you club?”

“Not at the moment,” Gale said awkwardly. “But I’m going to find someone else eventually. Some day. Maybe in college or something.”

“I wish you the best of luck with your club forming,” Bella said, “But we should probably get back to doing something productive. I’ve got to get home for dinner and it’s already four.” She paused and then her eyes widened. She cursed quietly and looked at Aiden and Gale. “This is due on Monday,” She said in shock. “We’ve got to step up the pace here!”

“Hey guys?” Gale asked, putting down their marker. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Aiden said, and Bella nodded in agreement.

“How did you come out to your parents?” They asked.

“Oh,” Bella said, looking a little surprised. “Well, I don’t know about Aiden, but I wrote a letter to my mom and then she told my dad for me. I mean, I’d wanted to tell my dad by myself so it sucked a little but overall they were good about it.”

Gale turned their eyes to Aiden who shrugged. “I just told mine,” He said. “I knew that they’re already super liberal so I knew it would be ok, but I was still stressed out the whole time. It felt like such a big deal. I was… I think eighth grade. But before that I just thought I was gay.”

“Huh,” Bella said thoughtfully. “Well I, for one, didn’t even know I was a lesbian until freshman year. I’d never really realized that I was getting crushes on girls until then.”

“But your parents were ok with it?” Gale asked.

“Yeah,” Aiden said with a shrug. “Are you thinking about coming out to yours?”

“I think so,” Gale said. “There are these things called binders and they make your chest look flat, but I can’t get one on my own. If I came out to my parents, they’d probably buy one for me. I really, really want one.”

“Sorry, Gale,” Bella said, pursing her lips. “All of this must suck, huh?”

“That’s an understatement,” Gale said with a snort.

“I know gender and sexuality don’t have much to do with each other so it’s definitely not the same experience, but I felt a lot better after I came out to my parents,” Bella said.

“So did I,” Aiden said. “But it was really tough.”

“I don’t think I’m going to do it for a while,” Gale said nervously. “It’s just been on my mind a little.”

“Well, ask me if you’ve got any other questions,” Bella said. “But dear lord we’ve got to get working on this project.”

…

A weekend or two later, Gale heard a knock on their door. They froze. They were lying under their covers crying and they didn’t want anyone to see them.

“Emma, honey?” Gale’s mom poked her head through the doorway. “Is something wrong? I thought I heard crying.”

“I’m fine,” Gale lied. Their voice betrayed them, and Gale’s mom came into the room, sitting down on their bed.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, touching Gale’s shoulder.

Gale turned over and looked at their mom. They could tell the truth. They could tell her how they wanted to rip their chest off of their body, or how they wanted to scream that their name was Gale, not Emma. They could do it, and then their mom could get them a binder.

“Emma?” Their mom’s face was filled with concern. “I want to help you,” She said, tilting her head sympathetically. “What’s wrong?”

“I…” Gale trailed off. They wanted to tell her. They wanted to tell her more than anything because then they could get a binder, but fear was rising in their throat and silencing them. “I don’t know,” Gale said, looking away. “I’m just feeling bad.”

“You can tell me what it’s about,” Their mom said, trying to sound supportive.

“I don’t know, Mom,” Gale snapped. “I just want to be alone.”

Pursing her lips, Gale’s mom nodded. “Well, come get me if you need anything, ok?”

“Ok,” Gale said. As soon as their door closed, more tears came to their eyes. They felt like they should have told her, even though they’d been too terrified to even imagine being able to do it.

Gale moaned in despair and covered their face. They were never going to be able to come out and they’d never get a binder and they’d be stuck feeling like this for the rest of their life unless… unless…

Unless it ended now. A kind of calm came over Gale. Their breath was still shaky, but the tears had stopped coming. It could all stop. The fear, the dysphoria, all of that could go away. Gale could just die.

Thoughts were spinning through Gale’s head. If they killed themself, would Bella tell their parents about their gender? Would the right name be on the grave? Or would Gale always have to be buried under the wrong name without anyone but Bella, Aiden, and Elliot knowing the truth? Would anyone even care?

Gale was terrified. They didn’t want to be feeling this way and it was scary but they just couldn’t get it to stop. The thoughts had taken on a life of their own and now they were dragging Gale deeper into the despair that had started it in the first place.

Wanting to die wasn’t exactly new to Gale. They’d felt it before, especially with dysphoria, but never this bad. They wanted to do something but at the same time, they didn’t. They wanted to kill themself but they didn’t want to get out of bed. They didn’t want to leave their family or their friends, but the thoughts kept tugging at Gale’s clothes and pulling them away from thinking about good things.

Gale didn’t do anything, but they were up late dwelling on the thoughts that wouldn’t leave them alone. It had passed after an hour or so, but the thoughts hadn’t gone away completely. They were still in the back of Gale’s mind, lurking as if they were just waiting to come forward again.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

Energy

So this is just a random prompt I did (write about a promise). I’m not a huge fan of it or the title but I didn’t spend much time on it, either. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Maura looked at him, a frown across her face. “I need you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“Promise not to lie to me.”

Rolling his eyes, Bennett sighed. “Fine. I promise not to lie.”

Maura took a deep breath. “Why did you do it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bennett said calmly.

“You’re a liar,” Maura said bitterly.

“Why don’t you just tell me what I did wrong?” Bennett said, looking at Maura with his eyebrows raised.

Anger boiled inside of Maura. She hated him. “Why didn’t you fight back when they took it? We spent months trying to get it and then you just let them take it.”

“I tried to fight them,” Bennett said with a shrug. “You saw me.”

“I’ve been with you for a long time. I know you weren’t trying,” Maura said accusingly.

Bennett seemed a little nervous. “What, do you think I wanted them to get it? I almost died to get it. Why would I just let someone take it.”

“I know you wanted it just as badly as I did,” Maura said, “But I don’t know if we wanted it for the same reason.”

“To cure your mom, right? What else would someone use it for?”

“It can cure anything,” Maura said. “Who wouldn’t want it? I want you to tell me why you didn’t try to fight back.”

“I told you that I did,” Bennett said, sounding irritable.

“You’re lying to me,” Maura said angrily. “You promised not to lie.” Maura could see that Bennett was sweating a little. “Tell me the truth,” Maura said firmly.

Bennett didn’t say anything.

“What did you want it for?” Maura asked quietly. “For real.” Her eyes met Bennett’s and he looked away nervously.

“Nothing.” Maura kept her eyes on him and Bennett seemed to get more and more nervous.

“Stop lying,” Maura commanded. Her voice sounded more powerful than it ever had before, and Bennett seemed to recognize that.

“It doesn’t heal people,” He said eventually, not meeting Maura’s eyes.

“And what does it do?” She asked, her eyes worried. “You’re the one who thought it would heal my mom. Did you lie about that, too?”

“No,” Bennett said nervously. “No. It would. But it grants a wish. That’s why I wanted it.”

“Not for my mom?” Maura asked, a feeling of betrayal rising inside of her. Bennett shook his head. “Then why did you let someone steal it?”

Bennett looked away again. “They didn’t steal it. At least, they weren’t supposed to. I asked them to make it look like they were stealing it so that you’d give up and then I could have it.”

“Why are you telling me this stuff, then?” Maura asked. “If you didn’t want me to know?”

“They were supposed to give it to me as soon as they could. Near the river. That was our meeting place. But they didn’t show up.”

“I guess being dishonest didn’t pay off,” Maura said dryly. “What would you have wished for?”

“For what you have.”

“And what do I have that you want? I’ve got nothing compared to you. Your parents aren’t sick. You don’t have to worry about finding food. You don’t--”

“But you’ve got that… I don’t even know what it is! But you’re special.”

“I’m not special, I’m just lucky,” Maura said. “And it’s just a different kind of energy than what most people have.”

“Energy? Isn’t it just called magic?”

“I guess you could call it that,” Maura said with a shrug. “But I just know how to change the energy of things around me. I can move things that way, set them on fire, you know. You’ve seen how it works. Is that what you want?”

“Yes,” Bennett said, not even hesitating.

“Do you know how tired it makes me?” Maura asked.

“What?”

“Every time I use it. It’s exhausting. Sometimes it feels like I’ve run a marathon after just doing one tiny thing. I could heal my mom if I tried hard enough, you know that, right? But it would kill me. Every time I use it I know I might die. That’s how it works. Asking for it is a stupid idea. It isn’t worth it.”

“But still, you can do so much.”

“And that just makes it more upsetting when I can’t do something,” Maura said with a shrug. “It makes me so angry when I think about how I couldn’t help my mom. It makes me angry that I can’t use it to help people. It’s not worth it, and if I could give it to you, I would in a heartbeat.”

Bennett didn’t answer. Maura looked at him and pursed her lips. “I hate you. You know that, right?” She asked. “I’m never going to trust you again.”

“Yeah,” Bennett said quietly.

“Good,” Maura said, standing. “You’re on your own from here. I’m going home. Leave me alone, ok?” With that, she turned and walked away, on her way to heal her mother. She just didn’t know how yet. 

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 7

A lot of stuff happens in this chapter and it SUCKS (not the chapter but the stuff that happens). As much as this story is based off my experiences, I’ve thankfully never had to go through something like this. 

A couple of days into school, Gale sat at their desk in their room after school and tried to do homework. The problem was that every time Gale moved, they were intensely aware of their chest moving with them. Writing made Gale grit their teeth, and even when they weren’t bothered by their chest moving, they still knew it was there.

Gale kept thinking about school, too. They were thinking about how the only person there who knew was Bella, and Gale didn’t even see her too much. Lunch with Elliot hardly counted because Bella couldn’t call Gale by their real name in front of him, so what was the point?

Thoughts of the week swirled through Gale’s mind and they wanted to slam their books closed and go to sleep. It was only seven, but they were exhausted from pretending to be a girl all day.

Gale knew their grades weren’t going to be good. They could already tell that motivating themself would be nearly impossible on days when their dysphoria was bad. Still, knowing that didn’t make it feel any better. Gale had always gotten good grades, but it had never been this hard to be alive.

That, alone, was hard enough. Just being alive was getting hard. It was hard for Gale to get up every morning knowing that they didn’t look the way they wanted and that they couldn’t do anything about it. It was hard to find the energy to do anything other than sleep, especially on days when the dysphoria was extra bad.

Gale was getting used to it, though. As much as they hated the dysphoria and wishing they weren’t alive, it was becoming something they were used to. They had had it for what felt like forever, even if it had only gotten bad a few months ago. It was just something they had to live with now.

Staring at their homework, Gale realized that they’d just been sitting there, lost in thought, for who knows how long. It was seven thirty by then, and they still hadn’t done any homework. Gale had started going to bed around nine, so they knew that they were going to be up later than usual.

Sighing, Gale went back to trying to understand the material while dealing with dysphoria at the same time. It didn’t work well, but it would have to do.

…

That weekend, Gale found themself preparing for their date with Elliot. They wanted to look nice, and they’d gotten out their makeup. They didn’t dislike it, exactly, but it made them feel too feminine. After trying to put some on, Gale rediscovered how uncomfortable they felt wearing more than just concealer and mascara. Anything more than that was too much.

They decided to wear jeans and a plain t-shirt. It was fairly gender neutral, so Gale felt a little better than they usually did. Plus, the shirt made their chest seem smaller than it was, which was a huge plus.

Gale made a mental note that the shirt they were wearing was one of their new favorites before they left their house and started to walk downtown.

When Gale got to the restaurant, they were surprised to see that Elliot was already there. They checked their watch, but they were on time.

“Why are you here so early?” Gale asked. “You’re supposed to be the late one. You’re making me look bad.” Elliot smiled and laughed politely, but there was something a little off about him. “Is everything ok?” Gale asked, furrowing their brow.

“Yeah, yeah,” Elliot said. “I just need to talk to you.”

Gale’s heartbeat quickened a little, and the two of them didn’t talk until they were seated. “What’s up?” Gale asked nervously.

“Are you angry at me?” Elliot asked bluntly.

Gale frowned. “No,” They said. “Why?”

“You just haven’t been talking to me as much and you never seen to be happy around me and I was just worried that you were angry,”

“I’m not angry,” Gale repeated. “There’s just a lot going on with me right now.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” Gale said.

Elliot looked at them in exasperation. “I’m your boyfriend. You can trust me.”

Gale wasn’t so sure that that was true, so they shrugged.

“Emma, seriously, it’s ok to tell me.”

“I…” The words were on the tip of Gale’s tongue but they couldn’t get it out of their throat.

“What?”

Gale took a shaky breath and looked down. “I’m transgender,” They said quickly. “I’m not a boy or a girl, and that’s called being non-binary. I like to use they/them pronouns instead of being called ‘she’ or ‘he.’ I use the name Gale instead of Emma and Bella’s the only other person who knows about this.”

Looking up, Gale found that Elliot’s face was in shocked confusion. “What?” Elliot asked, his voice not as gentle anymore. Before Gale could say anything, he kept going, his voice low. “Look, you’re a girl. I know that. Your body is a girl’s body and there’s nothing you can do to change it. So just forget about that stuff, ok? I don’t want to be dating a freak.”

Gale felt like Elliot had just stabbed them in the gut and twisted the knife. “I’m not a freak,” Gale said angrily, keeping their voice down. “I’m non-binary.”

“That isn’t a real thing, Emma,” Elliot said in exasperation. “You’re making all of this up. They/them pronouns aren’t singular and you know it. Why are you doing this?”

“I’m not making this up!” Gale said, trying to keep their voice quiet. “I thought you’d be supportive because you’re my boyfriend but I guess I was wrong!”

“I’m not gay!” Elliot said angrily. “If you think you’re a boy, that’s just wrong.”

“I told you I’m not a boy!”

“Then you’re a girl,” Elliot said simply. “There isn’t another option.”

“Elliot,” Gale said, tears coming to their eyes. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I should be asking you that,” Elliot said, looking at Gale disdainfully.

Gale looked at Elliot in disgust. “I hate you,” They said. “I don’t want to date you anymore.”

Elliot actually laughed. “You think I still want to date you? You’re a disgusting freak. We both know you’re just a girl and trying to get attention.”

Gale stood angrily and left, not looking back so that Elliot wouldn’t see them starting to cry. They hated him more than anything, but they were still heartbroken. They’d wanted to believe that he really cared about them, but they had been wrong. He didn’t care at all.

Outside, Gale wiped their eyes as they started to go home. They couldn’t appreciate what a beautiful day it was. Soon, they found themself passing the turn to Bella’s house. They paused, took a deep, shuddering breath, and turned. Their parents wouldn’t expect them home for a while.

Gale walked up to the small brown house and knocked on the door. They heard someone yelling something from inside, and then the door was pulled open. “Oh, Emma,” Mrs. Grey said, smiling a little nervously when she saw that Gale’s eyes were red. “Are you here to see Bella? She’s right upstairs.”

Gale nodded and made their way through Bella’s house, climbing the stairs slowly. They knocked on Bella’s door and heard a muffled “come in” from inside.

Bella was sitting on her bed with earbuds in and doing something on her laptop. When Gale came in, Bella’s face fell and her eyes went wide. she hurriedly took out her earbuds and closed her laptop. “Are you ok?” She asked anxiously.

Gale shook their head and started to cry again, for real this time. Tears were streaming down their face and all Bella did was wrap her arms around Gale.

When Gale was calm enough to talk a little, they spoke. “Elliot…” Gale trailed off and sniffed. “I came out to him.”

Immediately, Bella’s face went into shock. “What did he do?” She asked.

“He said that I’m really a girl and that I’m disgusting,” Gale said, choking on their own words. “I hate him.”

Bella’s face was livid. She looked ready to strangle someone. “I hate him too,” She said. “Where is he? I’m going to beat him up, I swear to God.”

Gale laughed a little through their tears, and Bella guided them to sit on the bed. “I actually will beat him up if you want me to,” Bella said. “I’m serious. I could probably win.”

“No,” Gale said, sniffing and wiping their face. They hated to admit it, but they still did care about Elliot. It was hard to stop having feelings for someone in an hour.

“Ok,” Bella said. “Fair enough. Is there anything else I can do?”

“I don’t think so,” Gale said, shrugging. “It just… it really, really sucks. I was hoping that he’d understand, but I probably shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I mean, I knew what he thought about trans people even before I came out. I didn’t even have to come out to him. I just did and I don’t know if I should have.”

Bella listened to her friend rambling on and on, but she could understand how betrayed Gale must be feeling right then. Elliot and Gale had been dating for over a year, and just like that, it was over.

“It might not help much,” Bella said, “But I think you’re better off without him in the long run. If he’s not going to respect you, then maybe it’s better if you aren’t together.”

“I know,” Gale said in despair, “But I just hate this. I hate it so much. I wish none of this had happened.”

“I know,” Bella said, looking down at her floor. There wasn’t much more for her to say.

…

Gale walked home, their eyes still red. They were on the verge of tears the whole time, and if anyone had stopped to talk to them, they would’ve started to cry. Luckily, there weren’t many other people out, and Gale made it home safely.

“Hi, honey!” Gale’s mom called out when they came in. She walked into the foyer and smiled at Gale. “How did it go?”

With that, Gale started to cry. They covered their face and let themself be upset.

“Oh, Emma honey, what’s wrong?”

Gale let out another sob when they heard their old name. “We broke up,” Gale said through their tears.

“Why?” Gale’s mom asked. She sounded so concerned that it made Gale feel bad. They didn’t want their mom to worry about them.

“He just wasn’t as good a person as I thought he was,” Gale said. Their mom wrapped them in a tight hug and warm comfort spread through Gale’s body. They took a deep, shuddering breath and closed their eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” Gale’s mom said, squeezing her child. “Is there anything you want to do tonight? I can make whatever you want for dinner and we can all watch a movie together, if you want.”

“I just want to be alone,” Gale said, pulling away from their mom. For a second, she looked a little hurt, but she quickly recovered and nodded.

“Ok, honey. Just tell me if you want anything special.”

Gale smiled falsely and went up the stairs to their room. They lay on the bed and closed their eyes as more tears came. They still felt incredibly hurt, like Elliot had let them down. Still, they knew that it had probably been too much to expect from him.

They hated that they felt like it was too much to ask for someone to respect them. It wasn’t too much to ask. It wasn’t much to ask at all. Gale was asking to be treated with respect, just like everyone else, and Elliot hadn’t given it to them. Elliot had decided not to respect Gale just because he thought he didn’t have to. He thought that he didn’t have to respect Gale because he didn’t “believe” in it.

Gale felt like punching something. They wanted to scream. All of their sadness and heartbreak was hardening into anger. They didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Still, they knew that too many people in their life would take the same stance. Maybe not their parents, but there would inevitably be people who thought that just because Gale was different they didn’t matter enough to respect.

The anger inside of Gale had nowhere to go. Gale couldn’t scream out or do anything to get rid of it. All they could do was keep it inside.

Eventually, Gale gave up trying to internalize it. They grabbed a notebook and started writing down their angry words, not paying attention to the lines or what was even coming out of the pencil. It was all just a blur of words and scribbles that Gale spewed onto the page.

By the time Gale’s hand was tired, they’d filled three pages with angry phrases, things they wished they could say to Elliot, things they wanted to do, all of it.

Gale was tired. So, so, so tired.

They lay back onto their bed and started to cry again. They felt like nothing was going to get better. They would never be able to come out to their parents for fear that it would go like how coming out to Elliot had gone. They felt completely hopeless. They didn’t want to keep going. They wanted to die.

Eventually the feeling passed, but it left Gale exhausted. They hardly talked at dinner, but their parents seemed to understand that they might not want to talk. They didn’t bother putting themself through the emotional strain of taking a shower, and instead they just put on their pajamas and lay down on the bed, snuggling up under the covers and quickly falling asleep.

The rest of the weekend was completely wasted. Gale didn’t leave the house. They didn’t talk to Bella. They hardly left their room. They didn’t want anyone to see them. They felt like they didn’t deserve to feel good.

Gale kept wondering how Elliot was feeling. Was he regretting how he made Gale feel? Was he crying too? Or did he not care at all?

A chilling thought came over Gale. What if he told someone? What if he outed them to the rest of the school? Gale was starting to panic, their mind racing. What would they do if he told someone? What could they do? Lie about it? Tell the truth? It was all too much to think about, and they forced it out of their mind.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

About a New Friend

So once again we’ve got something from the about a mother/brother story idea. This is actually the beginning though. At least, I think it is.

My hands flew as I shoved clothes into the already full backpack. I had to be faster. I could hear gunshots outside the house and knew that I couldn’t wait for my family to come back. If I didn’t get out of that town, I’d be blown to bits.

My feet pounded down the stairs to the base of the apartment building and I burst out into the streets. The fighting wasn’t there yet, but it was getting too close for comfort. I ran for as long as I could, but that wasn’t very long. Eventually I had to slow down.

The only way I could figure out which way to go was away from the sound of fighting. Every once in a while I passed other people, but most of the city had already evacuated. I had stayed to wait for my family, but I couldn’t afford to do that anymore. I had to get away.

As I started to run again, I heard a gun go off and a scream from behind me. I stopped and looked back. I couldn’t see anyone, but something made me go back. It was a stupid idea, but I felt like I had to.

Turning a corner, I saw a girl about my age crumpled on the ground, looking up in terror at the man who had shot her in the leg. The man was aiming his gun at her head and I panicked.

“HEY!” I yelled, and both people turned to look at me. The man turned his gun on me but I ducked and the bullet only nicked my ear. While I was on the ground, I grabbed a brick, but it turned out that I didn’t need to use it.

The man grunted as the girl kicked his legs out from under him and he went crashing down. She grabbed his gun, aimed, and shot him in the leg, almost the exact same place the bullet had entered her own leg. She knocked him out with one swift kick to the head.

She was breathing quickly and turned to me, not quite lowering the gun all the way. “Who’re you?” She asked nervously.

“Casey,” I said, raising my hands a little. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I’m Marie,” The girl said cautiously. She put the gun in safety and looked down at the bleeding hole in her jeans. “Got anything for that?” She asked, gesturing to it.

“I don’t think so,” I said apologetically.

“No problem,” She said, kneeling next to the man. He was dressed in police gear, and she pulled off his helmet and bullet proof jacket, putting them on. Next, she tore apart his shirt and used it to cover the bleeding wound on her leg. “I’ll be fine,” She said. “Thanks for helping.”

Looking me up and down, Marie seemed to be thinking. “Whose side are you on?” She asked.

I shrugged. “I’m just trying to get out of here alive,” I said. “You?”

“I’m trying to bring down the government,” She said plainly. “At least, I was. How long have you been traveling?”

“I just started today.”

Marie whistled. “You’ve got a long way to go,” She said. Once again, she seemed lost in thought, brushing her dark hair behind her ear. “Mind if I come with you?” She asked, looking at me seriously. “I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.”

“Sure,” I said, partially relieved. Marie seemed to know what she was doing and I was glad to have some company.

“You’ve gotta get something to fight with,” She said. “I mean, other than a brick. I lost my gun a while back, so I’m going to take this one, but -- Wait, he’s waking up. Let’s get out of here.”

She grabbed my hand in hers and pulled me around the corner before stopping to think. “There’s a safe house not too far from here,” She said quickly and quietly. “They should have a weapon for you. Do you know how to shoot?”

“Not yet,” I said, and Marie smiled.

“I like you,” She said. “We should go, though. Follow me.”

We maneuvered through the streets together. Luckily, Marie didn’t have to use her gun at all. Once we reached a coffee shop that was boarded up, Marie looked left and right before opening the door and going in. The boards hadn’t been nailed down all the way, so the door could still open while the shop appeared to be closed down.

Inside, Marie spent a few minutes talking to a man behind the counter. After a while, he pulled out a first aid kit and a gun, handing them to Marie. She gestured for me to follow her, and then walked further into the shop. There were a few cots set up, and she managed to find an empty one.

“Your ear’s bleeding,” She said. Touching it, I found that she was right. “Come here,” She said.

Soon, Marie had cleaned the wound and covered it so that it stopped bleeding. After she was done with me, she took off her jeans so that she could see the hole in her leg better. “Damn,” She said in frustration. “I think the bullet’s stuck in there.” She sighed and continued treating the wound like it didn’t matter.

“Shouldn’t you figure out how to get it out?” I asked in alarm.

“That’ll take too long,” Marie said. “I don’t care, anyway. It’ll be fine.”

For a while, we just rested. Eventually, she looked at me curiously. “Got any family?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I had my parents and a little sister, but I don’t know where they went. They were out when the fighting got here and I haven’t seen them since. I’d wait for them, but I can’t risk it.”

“My parents kicked me out once they learned that I was part of the rebellion,” Marie said thoughtfully. “They didn’t want to get in trouble. I get it, though. I think they’re safe now. You want to get out of here?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Honestly, all of this is really scary.”

“No kidding,” Marie said. “I’m terrified all the time.”

“But you’re in the rebellion,” I said in confusion.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not scared to die,” she said with a sigh. “And I’ve seen so many people die. It’s too much for me. I’ve gotta get out of here.” Looking at me, Marie smiled. “Don’t worry, though. I’ve survived for this long. We’ll make it.”

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 6

We’re about halfway through the story at this point! If you have any thoughts on the story I’d be happy to hear them. This is a pretty important story to me and I want to make it as good as it can get.

Gale woke up to the alarm that they’d set on their phone. The morning light was streaming dimly through the blinds and casting soft light across Gale’s face. They sighed and looked to the door, where they’d propped up their old backpack. It was full to the brim with school supplies, the zipper hardly able to hold everything inside.

It took all of Gale’s energy to get out of their warm, comfortable bed. They got dressed without looking down at their body and left the room, making sure to keep their eyes away from the mirror.

They ate breakfast in a trance, dread sinking into their skin. Gale would’ve rather jumped off a cliff then get on the bus, but there wasn’t much of a choice. They had to get to school.

Slowly, Gale walked down the street to the bus stop. It was foggy out, and the water from the air stuck to Gale’s clothes, making them damp. There wasn’t anyone else at the bus stop. Gale figured that the other people were either getting a ride from their parents or walking, though why anyone would want to walk through the fog to school was a mystery.

The bus was late. By the time it got there, Gale had nearly given up on it showing up at all. They got on, quietly greeting the bus driver, and sat in the first empty seat. No one was talking, but it was a bus full of teenagers who had been woken up at six to get ready for the first day of school.

As the bus jolted and bumped down the road, Gale could feel their chest moving uncomfortably with every lurch. They swallowed back the sickening feeling rising in their throat and clutched their backpack to their chest to stop it from moving as much.

The last thing Gale wanted to be doing was sitting on that bus. They wanted to get off at the school and walk away, maybe spend a few hours in the park, surrounded by morning fog. They could sit and write or even draw in silence. It would be peaceful. They knew they couldn’t, though. They’d have to get this over with.

Bella’s stop was only a couple after Gale’s, and when she got on she looked around for her friend. When she spotted them, she quickly made her way down the aisle and sat next to them. “Hey,” She said, keeping her voice quiet for the benefit of the kids who had gone back to sleep. “How are you feeling?”

“Not good,” Gale said, feeling like it was the biggest understatement of the century. They could still feel their chest, pressed up against the backpack, and they hated it more than anything.

“Is there anything I can do?” Bella asked.

“Not really,” Gale answered. “I just don’t really want to talk right now.”

Bella, bless her soul, stopped talking immediately. She sat next to Gale for the rest of the ride silently, but something about her seemed to give off the impression that she was still supporting Gale in some way.

When they got off the bus, the fog had dissipated somewhat. Gale and Bella could clearly see their school. It was tiny for a high school, and it always felt filled to the brim. There was talk of building another school, but everyone seemed to know that it was just wishful thinking.

At the door, everyone was told to go to their homeroom, where they’d get their locker assignments and class schedule. Bella waved at Gale, giving them an encouraging smile, as she turned down one hall and Gale took the other. They weren’t lucky enough to have the same homeroom.

…

“Emma Scott?” The teacher called out.

“Here,” Gale said in a monotone. They felt like that was the thousandth time they’d heard their old name that day, but it was only second period. Bella and Gale had met up in the hallway and compared schedules, and they did have third period, study hall, and lunch together, but that didn’t feel like nearly enough.

Gale had also run into Elliot, who hugged them and struck up a conversation. He had lunch with Bella and Gale, too. Gale was distracted the whole time, however. They felt like everyone’s eyes were fixed on them and like everyone was judging them. They felt like they could hear everyone calling them a girl and it was terrible.

Now, Gale was sitting in the English classroom, staring blankly at the syllabus as the teacher went through it. After she was done talking, the students were given the rest of the period to talk to each other.

Most people separated into their old friend groups from sophomore year, but some people, like Gale, were unfortunate enough to not have any of their friends in that class.

“Hi, Emma,” Said a voice from the desk behind them, and Gale turned to see Leslie. She was a pretty girl who Gale had talked to a fair amount their freshman year, but they’d drifted apart since then.

“Hi, Leslie,” Gale said, forcing a smile through their instinct to grimace. “How was your summer?”

“It was great,” Leslie said happily. “I went to visit my grandparents in California, so that was exciting. I’m bummed out that summer’s over, though. I didn’t want to come back to school today.”

“Neither did I,” Gale said, letting out an exasperated sigh. They left out the part where they were dreading seeing people they weren’t out to, but that was a minor detail.

“Did you do anything this summer?”

“Not much. I mostly just hung around at home,” Gale said with a shrug, turning all the way around so they were sitting backwards on the seat and could talk to Leslie better. That summer had probably been the most important one in Gale’s life, but they didn’t want to tell Leslie about anything.

“How’s it going with you and Elliot? Are you two still together?”

“Yeah,” Gale said, faking another smile. Lately, they hadn’t been so sure about Elliot. His response to trans people had been less than supportive, to say the least, and since then it had gotten harder for Gale to be around him without being uncomfortable. “It’s going pretty well,” Gale lied.

“I’m so happy for you,” Leslie said, looking a little jealous. “I’m dating Michael but I don’t know how long It’s going to last. He never tries to go on dates or spend time with me. It’s really frustrating. Like, I’m dating him for a reason. I want to see him, but he doesn’t really seem to care.”

Gale’s mind wandered to how they hadn’t gone on a date with Elliot in a really long time, and they cringed internally. They were as bad as Michael.

“Anyway,” Leslie was saying. “I shouldn’t complain. He’s pretty sweet.”

The bell rang, and Gale got out of the classroom as quickly as they could. They’d liked talking to Leslie, but the whole time they’d been painfully aware of how feminine their clothes were and how Leslie must see them as a girl.

“Hey!” Gale looked around to see Bella waving at them, and they waded through the stream of other students to get to their friend. “How’s it going, Gale?” Bella asked.

“Not great,” Gale admitted. “I keep hearing my old name.”

Bella looked genuinely hurt for Gale. “I’m so sorry,” She said, tilting her head a little. “Anything I can do?”

“Not right now, but thanks,” Gale said. “I should get to my next class, though.”

“It’s third period, nerd,” Bella said with a laugh. “We’re going to the same place. Did you really think you could get rid of me that easily?”

Gale laughed and turned to follow Bella. They got swept away by the tide of bodies rushing to their next classes and eventually reached the right classroom. The two of them sat in the back of the room while the teacher talked, but eventually, like in every class, they were given a few minutes of free time.

“Hey,” Bella said, like she’d just discovered something wonderful. “You know when teachers are trying to be all fancy and say something like ‘listen up ladies and gentlemen?’ Well, you don’t have to listen because you aren’t a lady or a gentleman!”

Bella seemed very proud of her joke, and Gale laughed. Not because it was particularly funny, but mostly just because Bella was making it very clear that Gale wasn’t a girl or a boy. Gale loved it.

“But seriously,” Bella said, her face more solemn now. “Is something bothering you? You don’t look very happy.”

“I’m not,” Gale said with a shrug. “I feel like everyone’s looking at me. Everyone thinks I’m a girl and I hate it.”

“Well they’re all wrong,” Bella said, pursing her lips. “You aren’t a girl. Oh, by the way, what do you want me to call you here? Like, is it ok for me to call you Gale or do you want that to be when it’s just us?”

“I guess when it’s just us,” Gale said. “I don’t really think I’m ready for other people to know yet.”

“That makes sense,” Bella said with a nod. “I’ll try to use your old name as little as possible, though. I mean, you can have a whole conversation with someone without using their name, right? It shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Thanks,” Gale said, feeling a little spark of happiness inside of them. They had the best friend in the world. “You’re great,” Gale said.

“Oh, I know,” Bella said dramatically. “It’s such a burden.”

“You aren’t that great,” Gale joked.

“How dare you?” Bella asked, gasping loudly.

The friends dissolved into laughter, and before they knew it the period was over. They walked to each other's lockers to get their lunches before heading down to the lunch room.

“Hey, wait up!” Gale heard someone call out. They turned and saw Elliot jogging down the hall towards them. “Hey, Emma,” He said, taking Gale’s hand.

“Hey,” Gale said, and behind Elliot they caught Bella making an exaggerated gagging expression. That helped them keep the smile on their face instead of it melting away at the sound of their old name.

“How’s your day been going?” Elliot asked.

“It’s been ok,” Gale lied. “I’d just rather be at home.” That last part was definitely the truth. Gale wanted to be out of that school as quickly as possible.

“I would, too,” Elliot said with a laugh.

They reached the lunch room and the three of them sat down together. Bella sat next to Gale and Elliot sat across from them. In the noisy room, it was hard to talk about anything, but Bella and Elliot still tried. Gale would talk when they were dragged into the conversation, but for the most part, they stayed quiet.

“Emma,” Elliot said. “Are you listening?”

“What? Uh, yeah, sure. Sorry, I’m just tired.”

“I was asking if you want to go on a date this weekend.”

Gale sat in silence for a moment before they shrugged. “I’ll have to think about it,” They said. Looking up, they could see that Elliot looked hurt. “I just need to make sure I’m not busy,” They corrected, not wanting Elliot to feel bad.

“Ok,” Elliot said, looking at Gale suspiciously. “Are you feeling ok?”

“Yeah,” Gale said, just a little too quickly.

“Emma, are you sure? You don’t really look too good.”

“I’m fine,” Gale insisted. “Just tired.”

“I’m tired, too,” Bella said, drawing the attention to her so Gale had some time to breathe. “I woke up at like, three in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. It was absolutely terrible. How did you sleep, Elliot?”

“I slept fine,” Elliot said, glancing at Gale again and still seeming suspicious. The rest of the lunch was fine. Elliot kept trying to engage Gale and Bella kept trying to take attention away from Gale so they could have a moment to themself. At some point, Gale thought that they were actually going to start crying after Elliot used their old name for the hundredth time, but they held it back.

Bella clearly picked up on it, and towards the end of lunch, she pulled out oreos from her lunch bag, offering them first to Gale and then to Elliot. Part of Gale was surprised, but mostly they were just impressed. Bella had remembered their favorite kind of cookie and had thought to bring some with her.

“Thanks,” Gale said quietly, and Bella gave them a knowing smile. Even if no one else knew, Bella was there for Gale.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 5

Here’s another chapter! So yeah, I’m sticking to every other day for updates of A Lot Has Changed, but I’ll most likely be posting other things pretty often as well. Hopefully this blog will keep inspiring me to write more.

The last couple of weeks of summer passed as slowly as the first few months had. Gale certainly had days where they felt good, where their chest hardly bothered them at all, but there were other days, too. Days when getting out of bed was almost too hard. Days when looking in the mirror made Gale want to throw up. Days when Gale just wanted to be dead.

On those days, Gale called Bella. She was always willing to listen to them and had gotten even better at knowing what to say to make them feel better. “You can call me whenever you need to,” Bella had told them. “I don’t really care how late it is. If I’m awake, I’ll answer. I promise.”

That was how Gale found themself on the phone with Bella at ten thirty in the night. “Sorry for calling you,” Gale said again.

“Seriously, Gale,” Bella said. “It’s not a problem at all. I’m happy to talk to you.” Gale smiled a little through their tears when they heard their name. “Is anything in particular wrong or are you just feeling bad?”

“I…” Gale started before they trailed off. They wanted to tell Bella that they had been thinking about how none of this was ever going to get better. They wanted to tell her that they were thinking that maybe they shouldn’t bother being alive anymore, but they didn’t say anything. They didn’t want to make her worried about them. They were already keeping her up late, and they didn’t want Bella to be angry at them. They decided that they could deal with those feelings on their own. Bella could know they felt bad, but she didn’t have to know how bad.

“I don’t know,” Gale said with a helpless sigh. “I’m just not feeling good.”

“That’s ok,” Bella said. “You’ve got a lot going on. You’re allowed to feel bad sometimes. I’m just glad you’re able to talk about it.”

“Thanks for listening to me,” Gale said. “It means a lot.”

“It’s not a problem,” Bella insisted. “I’m happy to help if I can do anything. You’re a great person and I want you to feel ok. Hey, if you want, we can go swimming again before school starts.”

“I don’t want to wear my bathing suit,” Gale said.

There was a pause before Bella spoke again, sounding like she’d just figured something out. “Wait,” She said, “That time when you were too upset to go swimming, was that because of your chest?”

“Yeah,” Gale said quietly.

“God, Gale, I’m so sorry. I hope you didn’t feel bad about not being able to go.”

“I did a little bit,” Gale said. “But it’s ok. I’ve felt worse.”

“Just because it could be worse doesn’t mean that it isn’t bad,” Bella said quietly. “Is there anything good going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, is there anything that you can think of, right now, that makes you feel good?”

“Well… I asked my mom if I could get my hair cut short,” Gale said slowly.

“And?”

“She said yes,” Gale said. “So I’ll have short hair before school starts.”

“That’s so great!” Bella exclaimed. “I’m so happy for you.” After a moment, she spoke again. “How’s everything with you and Elliot? Have you been talking to him at all?”

“A little,” Gale said, shrugging even though their friend couldn’t see them. “We haven’t gone on a date in a while, but I don’t know. I’ve been a little weirded out. I mean, I feel like I’m lying to him by not telling him that I’m trans, you know? Plus I’m still freaked out about how he acted when I brought up trans people.”

“You never really told me about that, did you?” Bella asked thoughtfully. “What did he do exactly?”

“Not too much,” Gale said. “We didn’t talk about it for long. He just talked about how he feels like trans people are just making it all up for attention and how you’re either male or female and can’t change it. That kinda stuff.”

“That’s actually really gross,” Bella said. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. Especially from your boyfriend. That must suck.”

“Yeah,” Gale said. “It kind of does. I mean, I keep hoping that he’ll change his mind once I come out but I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up.”

“Yeah,” Bella said, sounding like she was chewing her lip. “That’s a tough one. I know my grandma used to be a little weird about lesbians before I came out, and she really does try now, but she still says some not-so-great stuff every once in a while.”

Gale sighed. “I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when I get to that point. Hey, do you still want to go school shopping?”

“Sure,” Bella said, “You’re going to have to help me pick out cute folders.”

Gale laughed and closed their eyes. Their bad feelings were starting to dissipate a little. Not entirely, but enough for them to fade into the background of Gale’s mind. After they hung up, they were able to go to sleep quicker than they usually did, maybe because their mind was quiet for once, or maybe just because they were up at eleven talking to their best friend.

…

“WHOA!” Bella said when she opened the door to her tiny house. “Your hair looks so cool!”

Gale ran their hand through their short cropped hair and smiled. “I really like it,” They said.

“Does it help with how you feel about how you look at all?” Bella asked.

“It does,” Gale said. “I wasn’t sure if it would, but yeah. It makes me feel a little better.”

“Then it’s way worth it,” Bella said. “Plus it’s super super pretty.” She paused and thought for a moment when she saw Gale’s face drop just a tiny bit. “Do you want me to call you something other than pretty?” She asked. “I know that’s kind of thought of as a feminine word.”

“I guess cool would be better,” Gale said. “Thanks for asking.”

“No problem!” Bella chirped. “In that case, as I said before, your hair looks really, super duper cool.”

Gale smiled and the two friends got into Bella’s mom’s car. The ride wasn’t long, but the two friends didn’t say much. Gale was scared that Mrs. Grey would hear Bella calling them Gale instead of Emma, so they just stayed quiet, and Bella seemed to pick up on it.

Once they arrived, Bella’s mom let them wander through the store as she looked at the books that were set up near the door. “Have fun, girls,” She said.

When their backs were turned, Bella grimaced. “Sorry about that,” She said quietly.

“Thanks,” Gale said, trying not to scrunch up their face in displeasure.

“I can’t believe we’re almost into our junior year,” Bella said, shaking her head. “I feel like I just started high school. I don’t want to grow up.” She turned down an aisle with folders and started to search for one.

“I’m really nervous about school,” Gale admitted. They didn’t want to have to deal with hearing their old name and the wrong pronouns and having everyone, everyone, assume that they were a girl. It was too much to think about.

“I’ll help you with whatever you need me to,” Bella said, nudging Gale.

“Thanks,” Gale said. “What about that one?” They asked, pointing out a purple, glittery folder.

“Nice,” Bella said, reaching up to get it. She had to stand on her tiptoes to reach it, but it wasn’t like Gale could help. They were even shorter than Bella.

“Do you need a binder?” Bella asked.

Gale blinked, completely confused. “What?”

“A binder, you know,” Bella said.

It occurred to Gale that Bella was talking about something to hold paper, not something to compress someone’s chest. “Oh, yeah, I guess I need one,” Gale said. Part of them wished that they could just walk into a store and buy a chest binder, but the only place to find them was online.

“Well, they’re over here,” Bella said, leading Gale through a couple of other aisles. “They aren’t very interesting, are they,” Bella said blandly, looking at the solid colored binders on the wall.

“They’ve got purple,” Gale pointed out. “What are you complaining about?”

“Well I need a different one for each of my classes,” Bella said logically. “They can’t all be purple.”

Gale laughed, and picked out two large binders that they’d keep all of their school work in. Bella was the organized one. She liked to color code everything and keep her locker neat.

Gale had used to be like that, but they had a feeling that this year was going to be a little different. Dysphoria was draining every drop of energy they had, and they didn’t have any to spare. If they could make something easier, they were going to do it.

…

That night, Gale looked at the school supplies they’d gotten and felt a sinking in their gut. As hard as summer had been, school was going to be even harder. Gale was dreading it more than they had thought anyone could dread anything.

Gale was trying to look on the bright side. At least Bella knew. At least their hair looked good. At least… At least… Gale struggled to find another positive but couldn’t come up with anything else.

Gale lay down heavily in their bed and closed their eyes. They should really take a shower, but the idea of doing that made them sick. They didn’t want to see their body. Still, they knew that they’d have to take one eventually.

Getting up, Gale went into the bathroom. They managed to take off all of their clothes except for their sports bra. Looking in the mirror, Gale decided that they couldn’t take it off. Instead, they turned on the shower and got in once the water was warm enough. It felt weird to take a shower in their bra, but it felt a thousand times better than taking a shower without it.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 4

A lot happens in this chapter, so it’s a little longer than the others have been. Once again, feedback is always appreciated!

The day Bella called, Gale had gotten up, already feeling disgusted by their body. They could tell that it wasn’t going to be a good day.

“Hey, Emma!” Bella’s cheerful voice said over the phone. “Do you want to come over today?”

“Sure,” Gale said, once again not wanting to let down their friend. They had to do it so Bella would be happy. “Should I come over now?”

“That would be great!” Bella said. “See you soon!”

“Yeah,” Gale said, hanging up and taking a deep breath. They looked in the mirror and anger boiled inside of them. They looked disgustingly feminine, and they couldn’t stop looking at their chest.

Enough was enough. Gale went into the bathroom and rummaged around in a closet before coming up with what they were looking for. They stripped off their shirt and sports bra, making sure not to look in the mirror while they took the bandages and started to wind them tightly around their chest, pulling as hard as they could.

When Gale was finished, they turned around. Their chest was flat. Finally, finally flat. Gale covered their mouth and fought the urge to jump up and down. It was perfect.

Well, not exactly. Gale tried to take a deep breath but couldn’t. The bandages were too tight. Still, Gale pushed it aside. It didn’t matter to them, not when they felt so amazing about themself.

Gale left their room and ran down the stairs, but when they reached the bottom they found themself completely out of breath. It took them a while to recover, but when they did, they called out to their mom. “I’m going to Bella’s!”

“Alright, be home for dinner,” Their mom called back, and just as soon as she said that, Gale was out the door. As they walked, there was a slight ache in their ribs, but they didn’t pay attention to it. They did notice how out of breath they were getting just from speed walking, though, so they slowed down a little and walked leisurely the rest of the way.

“You’re here!” Bella exclaimed, guiding Gale into her house. “So I was thinking maybe we could bake a cake or something? I haven’t baked in ages. It’s up to you, though.��

“Baking sounds great,” Gale said with a smile, glad that their old name had been left out of the greeting.

“Great!” Bella said, smiling widely. “I actually got out all of the ingredients earlier so we don’t have to worry about that. All we need to do is dump it together and put it in the oven.”

“You were really prepared,” Gale said with a laugh. Laughing hurt their ribs, which were still constricted under the bandages.

“I was just really hoping we’d bake,” Bella said cheerfully. “Come on, it’s all in the kitchen.”

The two of them mixed the ingredients together and not long afterwards they were sitting on Bella’s bed waiting for the cake to come out of the oven.

“So,” Bella said. “What’s up?”

“Not much,” Gale said, trying to ignore the persistent and growing ache in their ribs.

Bella was studying Gale’s face. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but it probably wasn’t ‘not much.’ It seemed like Gale was pretty distracted.

“Is everything ok with you and Elliot?” Bella asked.

“What? Oh, yeah, everything’s fine,” Gale said.

“I mean, I just know the two of you haven’t seen each other in a while, but that’s none of my business, is it?” Bella mused. “I should just focus on getting a girlfriend of my own.”

Gale laughed again, and this time a shooting pain went through their ribs. “Are you ok?” Bella asked, frowning.

“Yeah,” Gale said, trying to act naturally and failing. “I’m fine.”

“Ok,” Bella said, still looking suspiciously at her friend. “Anyway, can you believe that school’s going to start in a few weeks? It feels like summer just started.”

“Yeah,” Gale lied. To them, the summer had felt like it dragged on and on and on. Every day was accompanied with varying levels of dysphoria, and, needless to say, it hadn’t been a great summer. It had probably been the worst summer of Gale’s entire life.

“We can go school shopping together, if you want. I don’t like to go with my mom. She’ll take me on a trip to the grocery store and everywhere else in town before we even make it to the right store.”

“Sure,” Gale agreed. Shopping with Bella was always an interesting experience.

The timer on Bella’s phone went off, and she jumped. “Oh, the cake’s ready!” She said, getting up and gesturing for Gale to follow her. She ran down the stairs, and Gale followed, but at the bottom of the flight they were completely out of breath. Breathing was getting more and more painful by the minute.

Gale watched silently as Bella flipped the cake layers out of the pans. They were still trying to catch their breath as quietly as they could. They couldn’t breathe deeply. Settling for shallow breaths, they watched Bella smell the cakes.

“They smell really, really good,” Bella announced. “Do you want to smell them?”

Shaking their head, Gale kept to themself the fact that they wouldn’t have been able to breathe deeply enough to smell the cakes. “I can smell them from here,” They said, trying not to gasp for air.

The two of them had to wait for the cake to cool before they could ice it, but that gave them time to make the icing and sit back down to talk.

“Are you ok? Like, really,” Bella asked, looking at her friend in concern. “You seem really distracted.”

“I’m just tired,” Gale said, pretending that they weren’t having piercing pains in their ribs with every breath.

“Oh, do you think you have to go home?” Bella asked understandingly.

“I’ll be fine,” Gale said, not so sure that they would be. Something was going very, very wrong. It shouldn’t hurt to breathe.

“Ok,” Bella said, looking at Gale in concern.

It seemed like an eternity before the cake was iced and they each had a slice. It really was a good cake, but Gale couldn’t concentrate on anything. They were in pain, and they knew they needed to take off the bandages. “I’ve got to get home,” Gale said as soon as they were done eating. “It was really fun! Thanks!”

“Bye, Emma!” Bella said, waving at her friend as they left.

Hearing their old name added a whole new level of pain to Gale. They hated that name. Part of them wanted to come out every time they heard it, just so someone would know to call them Gale, but they were too scared to.

Getting home, Gale went right to their room and took off the bandages. Their ribs hurt more than Gale had ever imagined that they could, but when they gingerly touched the bones through their skin, they didn’t feel broken. That was a relief, but not from the pain.

Hiding how much pain they were in was hard, but Gale managed to get through dinner without their parents suspecting anything.

As soon as Gale could get back to their laptop, they looked up binding. They’d seen pictures of people binding with bandages, but none of them had ever seemed to be in pain. They decided that they must have just done something wrong.

Gale soon found that it was true. They’d done something very, very wrong. But the mistake had been a lot bigger than they thought.

Binding with ace bandages is very dangerous, as the bandages are not made to move with the body. Wearing them can have serious consequences, such as torn muscles, bruised or broken ribs, misshaping the spine, and lung damage.

Gale read the passage again and their heart sank. Their breathing was starting to return to normal, but the ache was still there. They were glad that they knew how badly the bandages could hurt you, but that took away the only method of binding that Gale had available to them.

As Gale read on, they got to another passage that caught their attention.

The most safe way to bind is by using a binder. Binders are garments made specifically to safely flatten your chest. While this is the safest method, it is not completely free of danger. Binding for more than six to eight hours can injure you.

Quickly, Gale opened another window and looked up binders. They found a website made for trans people that sold a variety of binders in different colors and lengths. For a while, Gale scrolled through the pages, looking longingly at the binders and wishing that they could have one.

They knew that they couldn’t bind with the bandages again, but part of them wanted to. They wanted to see themself with a flat chest again. That was the first time in months that Gale had been able to look at themself without being disgusted, and they wouldn’t be able to feel it again.

Getting a real binder seemed plausible, but Gale would have to ask their parents to get  one. They couldn’t do that without coming out, and they were far from ready to do that.

Gale covered their face and tried to breathe. This time, it wasn’t their ribs that stopped them. Tears were choking up Gale’s throat and they hated it. If they couldn’t get a binder, was it even worth being alive?

…

A feeling of hopelessness had set in. Gale felt like no matter how hard they tried, they would never ever look they way they wanted to. They felt like no one would ever see them as non-binary or use their pronouns or treat them the way they wanted to be treated.

To make it worse, Gale’s chest was bothering them more, too. It was getting to the point where they were considering breaking out the bandages again, even just for a few minutes, so they could spend some time free of the feeling that everything about them was a mistake.

Thoughts about death came to mind every once in a while. It was always a tiny voice, telling Gale that they didn’t have to go on. They didn’t have to deal with everything that was bothering them. They could just end it and be done with everything. They could get rid of the dysphoria for good.

But Gale didn’t really want to die. Sure, sometimes being dead seemed like a better option. Those were the scariest times. Still, there were many more moments when Gale felt like there was at least one thing that was worth being alive for. Sometimes it was just that their mom had made cookies, but that was good enough. They didn’t want to let the hopelessness win.  

Almost a week later, Gale lay on their bed, tears streaking their face. They were holding their phone and just needed to press the call button. That was all they needed to do.

Eventually, they managed to press it. The phone rang a couple of times before Bella picked it up. “Hey, Emma,” Bella said happily. “What’s up?”

Gale was trying not to cry over hearing their old name. “I just need someone right now,” They said quietly. “Could you maybe come over?”

“No problem,” Bella said, sounding a little concerned but still cheerful. “I’ll be right there. I promise. Give me, like, half an hour. I’ll be there.”

“Ok, thanks,” Gale said, hanging up. They lay on their bed for what must have been half an hour, because their dad called up to them that Bella was here. “JUST SEND HER UP!” Gale yelled back.

A minute or so later, the door opened quietly. “Hey,” Bella said, smiling gently. “I brought brownies.” She held out a little plastic box. “They’ve got icing on them.”

“Thanks for coming,” Gale said with a smile through their tears.

“It’s ok, Emma,” Bella said. “I’m always going to be here for you.” Gale started to cry again, and they covered their face. “Oh, Emma,” Bella started, her voice sounding heartbroken.

Before Bella could say anything else, Gale snapped. “That’s not my name,” They said angrily. As soon as they said it, their heart stopped and they looked up at Bella, whose face was caught between shock at Gale’s outburst and confusion.

“Ok,” Bella said, still looking unsure. “What do you want me to call you?”

Gale wiped their face as more tears came to their eyes. “Gale,” They said. It was the first time they’d said their name out loud.

“That’s a really cool name, actually,” Bella said, smiling encouragingly.

Smiling back at their friend, Gale chewed the inside of their lip. “I’m not a girl,” They said, glancing away. They felt like they had to keep talking or they wouldn’t be able to get it all out. “I’m transgender but I’m not a boy. It’s called being non-binary and I like to use they/them pronouns instead of being called he or she. I haven’t told anyone else yet and I’m scared to because I don’t know how it’s going to go.”

Looking back up at Bella, Gale saw that their friend seemed to be thinking. “Ok,” Bella said. “So, just to clarify, you aren’t a girl? But you aren’t a boy either, right?” Gale nodded, and Bella kept going. “And you use they/them pronouns?”

“Yeah,” Gale said, still chewing their lip nervously.

“You know, I always wondered about those pronouns, you know?” Bella asked thoughtfully. “You know that ‘i before e except after c’ stuff they taught in elementary school? The word ‘their’ breaks that rule and it always pissed me off. I don’t know why.”

Gale laughed and Bella smiled at them. “But other than that, I think those are great pronouns,” Bella said. She opened her little plastic box and offered it to Gale. “Brownie?”

Taking one, Gale tried to calm down. They had been shaking the whole time but now that it was over, they were glad that they’d come out to Bella.

“So, Gale,” Bella said casually, as if it was no trouble at all to switch names for her friend, “Is there anything I can do for you? I mean, I don’t really know much about trans people but I know a little just from being in the LGBT community. Welcome, by the way. Your membership card will be in the mail soon.”

Gale laughed again and shrugged as they swallowed another bite of brownie. “I haven’t really found any ways to deal with it yet,” They said.

“Well, that’s ok,” Bella said with a smile. “Just tell me if you ever need anything. Can I ask how long you’ve been thinking about this stuff?”

“Maybe since May,” Gale said. “I just ignored it for a while, though. I only started using they/them pronouns a few weeks ago because I hadn’t heard of non-binary people before that. I don’t think it’s a new feeling, though. I always kind of had something going on and I could never place it. It was like something was missing. Since I started to call myself Gale and that stuff that feeling’s been going away.”

“That’s great,” Bella said, sounding genuinely ecstatic for Gale. “So you’ve been feeling better since you figured it out?”

“Not really,” Gale said quietly. “I mean, some parts are better but I’m always scared people are going to find out about it and it hurts when I know people aren’t going to be supportive. And then there’s… well, it’s called dysphoria and I get really bothered when people use my old name or she/her pronouns for me. My chest bothers me, too. I just… I don’t know. I hate it. I kind of want to get surgery when I get older to get rid of it.”

Bella looked at Gale and nodded. “I know I can’t really understand,” she said, “But you can always tell me if you need to talk about something, ok?”

“Yeah,” Gale said. They took a deep breath and laughed giddily. “Oh my God,” They said, covering their mouth. “I’m so happy right now.”

Grinning, Bella took a brownie for herself and bit into it, then offering it back to Gale. Gale took another, and for a while the two of them did nothing but eat. “Do you know when you want to tell other people?” Bella asked.

Gale shrugged. “I talked to Elliot a little, just about trans people in general, and he… it didn’t go great. I don’t know when I’ll tell him. And I don’t know when I’ll tell my parents, either. It’s tough.”

“I remember how scared I was when I came out to my parents, Bella said thoughtfully. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I know it’s different with gender instead of sexuality, though.” Bella paused before frowning a little. “What is your sexuality?” Bella asked. “I mean, the way I’m thinking, straight would be a girl only being attracted to a boy or the other way around, right?”

“Yeah,” Gale said with a shrug. “It hasn’t been the first thing on my mind, recently.”

“Oh, yeah,” Bella said. “I guess you’ve had other things to think about, huh?” Gale nodded. Bella looked down for a second and then back up at Gale. “Ok,” Bella said. “Do you know what you’re going to do about school?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you going to tell people your new name and pronouns yet?”

“I can’t really tell teachers until my parents know,” Gale said, “But I might tell other kids. I’m not sure yet. Again, it hasn’t been the first thing on my mind.”

Bella and Gale were quiet for a moment before Bella spoke again. “Thanks for telling me,” She said. “It must have been pretty hard, huh?”

“Yeah,” Gale said. “Thanks for listening.”

“I can’t call myself your friend if I don’t listen to you,” Bella said gently, playfully nudging Gale.

Gale smiled a little, but they still didn’t look very happy. “You ok?” Bella asked.

“I don’t know,” Gale said. “It’s just really lonely, you know? It’s hard for anyone else to understand what I’m feeling unless they’ve gone through it. It’s such a specific feeling. I can’t describe it very well, so I can’t really tell other people how it feels. They wouldn’t understand it, either. They’d be able to get it, I guess, but they wouldn’t really understand how it feels.”

“I’m sorry you feel so alone,” Bella said quietly. “I know it must be really, really hard.”

“Yeah,” Gale said, wiping the tears out of their eyes. “I just…” More tears were coming and Gale couldn’t stop them. “I just wish I knew someone else who could understand.”

Bella leaned over and wrapped her arms around Gale tightly. “I love you so much,” She said. “I know I can’t understand, but I’m here for you. You can talk to me any time you need to, ok? I’m always going to be there to listen.”

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“I’ve known you since third grade. If you bothered me I wouldn’t have stuck around so long, ok? I love spending time with you.”

Gale started to cry harder, and all Bella could do was hold Gale and hope that she was doing something to help. She stayed with Gale for hours, even after Gale calmed down, just to make sure that her friend was going to be ok.

“Promise me that you’ll call if you need me, ok?” Bella asked, standing on Gale’s porch. Gale nodded, smiling at their friend. “I love you,” Bella said, waving at Gale as she started to walk down the sidewalk, away from Gale and towards her own home.

Gale watched her go as they smiled to themself. Bella had been so amazing. She’d said everything that Gale needed to hear, and, to top it off, she’d left the rest of the brownies with Gale.

The rest of the day was good. Gale almost didn’t notice when their parents called them Emma. Almost. Still, the happiness that Bella had left them with permeated through the discomfort and warmed Gale’s heart. At least Bella cared about them. At least Bella knew that they weren’t a girl.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 3

Here’s the third chapter :) I’m pretty happy with the story even though I haven’t edited much, so if you have any feedback I’d be happy to hear it. I’ll probably be able to post a new chapter every other day because the whole story’s already written out. I’ve got a lot of free time.

Even though Emma felt more comfortable with they/them pronouns and calling themself non-binary, there were problems that arose. First of all, hearing people call them “she” or a girl had become as painful as the dysphoria surrounding their chest. Any terms that weren’t gender neutral were starting to bother them.

Secondly, something was changing for them regarding their name. At first, it had been fine, but the more they thought about it, the more sickeningly feminine it was. Their name wasn’t even close to neutral and they wanted to change it.

Finding a name was a different story. They were keeping a list in their journal, but none of the names on it stuck around for very long. They spent hours scrolling through list after list of gender neutral names, but none of them really clicked.

That is, none of them clicked until the fourth day Emma spent searching. They were about halfway through a list of names when they stopped and scrolled back a little to the one that had caught their eye. Gale.

Emma added the name to their notebook, but after a few more days, it became clear that that was the only name that had stayed on the list for more than a couple of days. Emma sat down and wrote out their name. Emma Scott. They looked at it and pursed their lips in disapproval.

Gale Scott. Emma smiled instinctively and wrote it again. Gale Scott. They wrote it over and over and before they knew it, the page was full. One Emma in a sea of Gale.

They loved it. It didn’t take long for Gale to accept the name as their own. They did mess up, calling themself Emma in their head, but they corrected themself and tried to move on without dwelling on it. Thinking about their old name was starting to put a sour taste in Gale’s mouth.

…

Gale was far from finished with their research, but they eventually stumbled upon something that turned out to be a gold mine. It was a blog run by non-binary people, and it was made to answer questions that other non-binary people had.

Scrolling through, Gale saw questions about hundreds of different topics. The ones that caught their eye were the ones where the blog owners would use people’s names and pronouns in a sentence or two.

Clicking on the ask button, Gale quickly wrote out their question. Could you please write a sentence with the name Gale and they/them pronouns? They pressed send before they could second guess themself.

It took a few days for the question to be answered, but it was so worth it.

Gale is an amazing person. They’re so nice and all of their friends love them for who they are. I hope Gale has a great day, and I hope they feel good!

A smile spread across Gale’s face. It was perfect.

…

Gale picked up their phone and heard Bella on the other end. “Oh my God, Emma, I haven’t seen you in forever! Where’ve you been?”

“Just busy,” Gale said. It wasn’t exactly a lie. They had been busy. They’d just been busy figuring out what their gender was and couldn’t tell anyone.

“Hey, I was thinking that we could go swimming again! Last time was so fun.”

“Sure,” Gale said, feeling completely trapped in the situation. They felt like they couldn’t let Bella down, but they were already dreading putting on their bathing suit.

When Bella hung up, Gale took out their bathing suit and put it on the bed. Looking at it made Gale angry. They didn’t want to put it on and have to look at themself in it. They didn’t want to let other people look at them. They hated their chest and wearing that bathing suit only made it worse.

Trying to put on the bathing suit didn’t work. Gale couldn’t bear to take off their sports bra, let alone put the bathing suit onto their body. They knew they wouldn’t be able to do it without breaking down.

They broke down anyway, as it turned out. The longer Gale looked at the bathing suit, the more upset they got. They could remember how they looked in it and they didn’t want to think about that. Tears were dripping down their face before they could realize what was happening.

There was a knock on the door and Bella peeked her head in. Her face instantly dropped when she saw Gale standing in the middle of their room and crying.

“Are you ok?” She asked, sounding alarmed.

“I don’t know,” Gale said, looking away.

“Is there anything I can do?” Bella asked. Gale sniffed and shrugged. “What’s wrong?”

Gale shrugged again. “I’m just not feeling good today,” They said. Again, it was technically true, but definitely not the whole truth. Saying “I want to tear my my chest off of my body and die” wouldn’t go over very well, even if it was the truth.

“We don’t have to go swimming,” Bella said gently, noticing the untouched bathing suit on the bed.

“But you really want to go,” Gale protested.

“I think I’ll be fine if we don’t go swimming today,” Bella said with a smile. “It’s not like the pool’s going to dry up.”

Gale laughed a little and Bella walked over. “Do you want a hug?” When Gale nodded, their friend wrapped her arms around them and squeezed. “It’s going to be ok,” Bella said, rubbing Gale’s back comfortingly.

Immediately, Gale wanted to pull away and scream that it wasn’t going to be ok, because they were going to be stuck looking wrong for the rest of their life. They wanted to tell Bella how disgusting they looked and how they just wanted to curl up under the covers and hide forever. They wanted to tell her that being alive wasn’t worth it if they had to feel this way, but they didn’t. They were too scared of how Bella would react, even though Bella had never been unsupportive to Gale before.

“Do you want me to stay? I can go home if you need to be alone.”

Gale shook their head, pushing their angry thoughts out of their head. “No, I want to spend time with you.”

Bella smiled broadly. “What do you want to do?”

“Play monopoly?” Gale asked.

“Why not?” Bella said with a shrug. “Just go easy on me. You don’t have to be as merciless as you were last time.”

Laughing, Gale got out the game and set it up. They started to play, but they’d underestimated the amount of time it would take them to play. Bella had arrived around one, and by two nearly all the properties had been bought. By three, Gale had gotten boardwalk and Park Place. By four, Bella had lost almost all of her properties. By five, the game had finished and Bella had started to playfully throw properties at Gale.

To Gale, one of the best parts was that Bella hadn’t used their old name once throughout the conversation. Bella hadn’t called Gale a girl or anything, and Gale could pretend that Bella didn’t see them as a girl.

The thought that their best friend saw them as a girl made Gale feel sick, but they ignored it. They wanted to spend time with Bella without dysphoria messing everything up.

“Wait, it’s getting late,” Bella said, checking her phone after the game had concluded. “Should I go home soon?”

“Yeah,” Gale said. “I’m getting tired. Thanks for staying with me, though.”

“Really, it wasn’t a problem. Even if you did mercilessly beat me into the ground in monopoly.”

Gale laughed, and after Bella left, they felt warm and happy. Bella hadn’t called them Emma even once.

The feeling didn’t last long, though. Soon, Gale was in their bed that night, and they’d gone back to feeling like everything about them was wrong and disgusting. No one would ever see them as non-binary because no one even knew what it was. They wouldn’t be able to just tell someone that they were trans because they’d have to explain that there are more than two genders and by the time it was all explained Gale would be emotionally exhausted.

On the other hand, if Gale didn’t tell people, they’d have to deal with people calling them a girl or “she.” Gale moaned a little and covered their face. They didn’t want to deal with any of it. They didn’t want to keep going.

…

Gale was waiting for Elliot at the pizza place, smelling the delicious food and feeling very, very hungry. Eventually, their boyfriend showed up. “Sorry I’m late,” He said.

“I’m used to it,” Gale said with a smile.

“You’re the best girlfriend in the world,” Elliot said.

Gale faked a smile, but on the inside they were cringing. Girlfriend. They weren’t a girl, and they felt like they were tricking Elliot by pretending to be one. Maybe they should just tell him. He was their boyfriend. He would support them no matter what.

First, though, Gale had to test the waters to be certain that Elliot would be good about it. “Hey,” They said a few minutes into the date, before the waiter had even come over to their table. “I was reading this article about trans people and it was really cool. Do you want me to send you the link?”

Elliot shrugged. “I don’t know,” He said. “I don’t really believe in that stuff.”

“What do you mean?” Gale asked, trying to stay calm. They felt like everything around them had fallen away. They couldn’t hear the roar of the restaurant behind them. All their attention was focused on Elliot.

“I mean, when you’re born you’re either male or female and you can’t change it. Trans people are just faking it for attention.”

“Don’t you think it’s just because they don’t really feel like they’re what people say they are?” Gale asked nervously.

“To be honest, it sounds like they’re trying to trick people. Like, can you imagine dating a girl just to find out her body’s male? Gross.”

“I don’t know,” Gale said. “And I mean, trans women aren’t really male because, you know, they’re women.”

Elliot laughed. “Why are you getting so defensive?” He asked. “What, are you trans?”

“No,” Gale said, a little quicker than they should have.

Just then, the waiter arrived and Gale let out a sigh of relief. For the rest of the date, Gale pretended to be fine. On the inside, though, there was an ache in their heart. Elliot would think Gale was gross.

Needless to say, the rest of that day was not good. Elliot’s words haunted Gale and filled them with hopelessness. If Elliot, their boyfriend didn’t support them, was there even hope that Bella would? Elliot had never been unsupportive before, but when Gale thought about it, they remembered how weird Elliot had gotten when he found out that Bella was a lesbian. Maybe he wasn’t as good of a person as Gale had thought he was.

Still, Gale cared about him a lot. They didn’t want to break up, even though they knew they’d have to come out to him eventually and that he probably wouldn’t take it well.

For the next week, Gale’s dysphoria went through the roof. They assumed it was because of what Elliot had said. They kept thinking that maybe they were just making it up for attention, even though they knew that they weren’t.

They hated it. Part of them wanted to hate Elliot for it, but another part, a stronger part, wanted to keep believing that he’d change his mind once Gale came out. Once someone he cared about came out, maybe he’d realize that being trans was ok. Maybe, but Gale knew that they were just making things up.

Another thing Gale hated was how terrible they felt about their chest. They wanted it gone, and they were willing to do anything to make that happen. In the back of their mind there was the idea that they could just end it. They could stop going and then they wouldn’t have to feel that way anymore. It could all be over.

But Gale didn’t really want that. They held on to the thought that maybe, just maybe, Elliot would change how he thought once he knew that Gale was trans. Maybe it would be worth being alive for it.

Instead of dwelling on it infinitely, Gale decided to reach out to the support blog that they’d found earlier. They’d bookmarked it, so it was easy to find again.

Hey, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about trans people and he said some pretty mean stuff. I don’t know what to do because I love spending time with him but I think it’s going to feel weird now that I know how he’d react if I came out. What should I do?

It wasn’t long before Gale got onto the blog, scrolled through a few questions, and found their own.

I think the best thing to do would be to break up with him. It’s up to you, but if you don’t think he’ll accept you, you have to decide if it’s worth dating him if you can’t come out. From what you said, he sounds transphobic, and I like to stay away from people like that.

Gale looked at the answer and frowned. They didn’t want to break up with Elliot and they didn’t want to believe that he was transphobic, even if they knew that it was true. They sighed heavily and leaned backwards against their headboard where they sat in bed. This was all too much. All Gale wanted to do was sleep.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

Flowers

I don’t really write stories about relationships much but here’s something I guess? When I do write about relationships it always comes out gay and that is not a mistake. I think all the relationships in the stories I’ve posted have been not-straight. I think the tally comes out to 2 gay, 1 lesbian, and 1 not-straight-but-not-exactly-sure-what-it-is.

Nick looked at the flower in his hand nervously. Was this even the right way to do this? He didn’t have time to think about it. He just needed to get it over with. He clutched the flower to his chest, took a deep breath, turned the corner… and saw Luke kissing another boy.

Immediately, Nick froze. Part of him wanted to run out of the dorm as quickly as he could but another part of him was furious.

Luke seemed to notice that someone was watching him and broke away from the kiss. When he saw Nick, his face was caught between guilt and anger.

The boy that Luke had been kissing picked up on the tension between the two people and backed up.

“What are you doing?” Nick asked quietly.

“Why do you care?”

“I was going to apologize. But you know what? I didn’t do anything wrong. This is your fault.”

“I thought you wanted me to be honest with you,” Luke said with a sneer.

“Oh, and making out with other people is honesty?”

The boy Luke had been kissing backed away. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t know--”

“Just go away, Chris,” Luke ordered. Chris seemed all too happy to escape.

“Why did you do that?” Nick asked. “Why were you kissing him?”

“Because we aren’t together anymore, Nick,” Luke said. “You broke up with me and--”

“That was yesterday!” Nick said. “You couldn’t have waited a few days before making out with the first guy you saw?”

“What I do isn’t your problem, ok?”

“And I’m guessing it wasn’t my problem when you did it while we were dating?”

“You didn’t care,” Luke said dismissively.

“Of course I did,” Nick said. “I was just scared of you getting mad at me.”

“Ok, look Nick,” Luke said, trying to stay calm. “I don’t want you controlling what I do. I want freedom.”

“Freedom? Freedom to what? I never stopped you from doing anything except cheating on me!” Nick was starting to get angrier. “How do I know you haven’t been going behind my back with other guys the whole time?”

Luke didn’t seem to have a good response to that. “It’s too late, Nick,” he said. “You broke up with me.”

“And I wanted to apologize for it,” Nick said. “But you’ve never apologized for anything that you’ve done to me. All you do is make excuses!”

“I don’t have to feel sorry for anything!” Luke exclaimed. “You’re the control freak! You’re the one who--”

“Shut up,” Nick growled, and Luke stopped. Something seemed to have snapped. “None of this is my fault,” Nick said, his voice low and furious. “I don’t care anymore. Do whatever you want. Just leave me alone, ok?”

Nick threw the flower at Luke’s feet and turned. Luke’s face was full of shock. “You’re really leaving me?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Nick said coldly. “Did you think I wasn’t leaving you before?”

“You’ll be back,” Luke said with a laugh. “You couldn’t leave me if you tried. Every time you break up with me you’re back in a few days.”

“And that was stupid of me,” Nick said. “It won’t happen again.”

…

It wasn’t long before Luke started to realize that Nick was serious. They passed each other on campus but Nick never gave Luke a second glance. He didn’t seem upset about it, either. He was always focused on something else or talking happily with his friends.

Something was starting to eat away at Luke. He wasn’t sure what it was at first, but eventually it became clear. He missed Nick.

At first, he tried to ignore it. He went out with other guys but it didn’t make him feel better like it usually did. He had to do something to get rid of the aching feeling in his chest, but the last thing he wanted to do was go apologize to Nick.

Still, that’s what he found himself doing. He remembered how Nick had brought him a flower to say sorry, so he assumed that that was how it was supposed to be done. He hadn’t had much experience with trying to get someone to forgive him.

…

Nick opened his dorm room door and immediately frowned. “What do you want?” He asked.

Luke swallowed. Behind Nick, he could see some of Nick’s friends, all of them staring at him. “Can we talk somewhere else?” He asked.

For a moment, Nick thought about it. “No,” He said finally. “What do you want?”

Feeling completely humiliated, Luke took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” He said, holding out the flower. Nick didn’t take it. “I miss you,” Luke said quietly.

“That’s nice,” Nick said coldly.

“What can I do to make you forgive me?”

“Nothing.”

“Please, I want to make it up to you.”

Nick sighed. “Look,” He said in resignation. “How long have we been dating?”

“Eight months,” Luke said, guessing completely.

“Well, on and off for a year, but I didn’t expect you to know that,” Nick said, pursing his lips. “Do you know how many times we’ve fought? Because I lost count within the first few months. And do you know how many times you’ve apologized for any of that?”

“Once,” Luke said dejectedly.

“Yeah,” Nick said, sounding angry. “But I apologized after every fight except for one. This isn’t fair to me, Luke. And it isn’t all your fault. I was stupid to keep dating you for so long. The point is, we aren’t getting back together. You shouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else to date.”

Nick went to close the door, but Luke blocked it. “I don’t want to date anyone else,” He said.

“That’s funny,” Nick said, his face stony. “You never seemed to feel that way while we were together. Leave me alone.”

The door closed in Luke’s face and he looked at it in shock. It was over. For real this time. His mind was running through anything that he could say to make Nick forgive him but he couldn’t come up with anything. He had made a really big mistake, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

ALHC Chapter 2

Here’s the second chapter! I’ve already got the whole story written out so I’m going through, editing a little, and then posting it chapter by chapter. Every chapter will be tagged with the story name, so that’s an easy way to find all of the ones I’ve posted so far. 

Unfortunately, the feeling didn’t stop bothering Emma. Still, she was starting to adjust to it. As long as she followed her rules, it was manageable. First, never, ever look in the mirror if you can help it, especially when you’re getting changed. Second, pretend that no one’s looking at you. Third, stay home as much as possible.

So the rules weren’t great coping mechanisms, but Emma couldn’t think of anything else to do. She didn’t even know what the feeling was, let alone how to fix it.

The third rule came into application a lot. The problem was that you can only avoid people for so long before you get lonely.

That’s how Emma ended up at the ice cream shop, waiting, once again, for Elliot.

“Hey!” Elliot came jogging up to where Emma sat on the bench waiting for him. “I’m sorry I’m late,” He said, “But I’m more on time than I was last time.”

“That is true,” Emma said with a smile.

After they’d gotten their ice cream, they sat on the bench outside the shop to talk. “So how are you?” Elliot said. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I was at my grandma’s house for a week,” Emma said, keeping her eyes on her ice cream. How was she doing? She couldn’t tell him how terrible she was feeling because he wouldn’t be able to help. “I guess I’m doing ok,” She said. “It’s just been a little hard lately.”

Elliot took her free hand with his and squeezed. “You can always talk to me if you need help,” He said, smiling gently. “I’m here for you.”

Emma nearly started to cry. She had had no idea how much she’d needed to hear those words. I’m here for you. For the first time in weeks, she felt like she wasn’t completely alone with herself. She really believed that Elliot would do whatever he could to help. That didn’t mean she was going to tell him anything about how bad the feeling was getting, but it was nice to know that he was willing to help.

“Thanks,” Emma said, her voice a little thick.

Elliot leaned over and kissed Emma on the cheek, his lips sticky from the ice cream. “No problem,” He said. “Can you tell me about what’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Emma said. “It’s really hard to describe. I just… I’m just not feeling very good lately. I don’t think there’s much to do about it, you know?”

“That’s ok,” Elliot said. “I’ll help you through it.”

…

A few nights later, Emma lay in bed, tears coming to her eyes for no conceivable reason. All she knew was that there was a huge empty ache in her heart that couldn’t be filled. It was worse than she’d ever felt it before, but part of her knew that it had been coming towards her for a while. She could’ve seen it coming.  

Something very, very important was wrong. It was a distinct lack of comfort that wouldn’t leave. It was terrible. Tears were dripping down Emma’s face onto her pillow but she didn’t care enough to grab a tissue from the bedside table next to her.

She just needed to take a shower to wash the feeling away. Showers always calmed Emma down and made her feel better, so why shouldn’t it work this time? She got out of bed and walked heavily to the bathroom. She felt like she was carrying a weight around with her.

Emma took off her clothes and stepped into the shower, making sure not to look in the mirror. The creeping feeling followed her in. The water was hot against her back and she closed her eyes, trying to calm down.

Her eyes were already red from crying and she didn’t want to cry any more. It wasn’t like she had a choice, though. The tears kept coming, mixing with the water from the shower and trickling down her face to her chin.

The water ran over Emma’s head, plastering her hair back out of her face as she tilted it backwards. Everything felt wrong. At least, something was wrong and it wouldn’t leave Emma alone. She crossed her arms and suddenly felt a terrible, sickening lurch in her gut. She could feel her chest resting above her arms and it was disgusting.

She dropped her arms and looked down, only to feel the twisting lurch again when her eyes landed on her chest. Emma looked up at the ceiling again and pretended that it wasn’t there as more tears came to her eyes.

Emma bit her lip to keep from making any noise, but she was crying in earnest now. That was what was wrong. She wanted to rip her chest off of her body but she settled for digging her nails into the palms of her hands. She wanted to cover her face but couldn’t without feeling her chest against her arms.

A small sob escaped Emma’s mouth and she let herself sit on the floor of the shower, curling up and letting her hair fall over her face as she bowed her head. She knew this feeling, it had been following her for the whole summer, but it was worse than anything she’d felt before. All she knew was that her chest was very, very wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be there.

Emma wasn’t sure why she was feeling this way about her chest now and not before, but now that it was here it was all she could think about. Maybe it was that she just hadn’t been able to place the feeling. She didn’t want to feel that way. She would rather be dead.

Afterwards, Emma wasn’t sure how long she sat on the tiled floor and cried under the steady flow of water, but eventually she got up in exhaustion and turned off the shower.

Emma made the mistake of looking at herself in the foggy mirror. Her face was red and puffy from crying and she could see those things on her chest. She hated it and turned around angrily. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it tightly around her chest so she didn’t have to look at it.

Back in her room, Emma put on a sports bra and a baggy shirt before flopping on her bed, not caring that her hair was still dripping wet. The feeling had lessened but it was still there, like the sinister presence of someone standing in the room and watching her. It was impossible to ignore and Emma turned onto her side as another wave of tears stung her eyes.

That night, Emma cried herself to sleep. She felt like something had shifted beneath her and now she was stumbling around in the dark, confused and afraid. She didn’t know how to handle these new feelings and it left her helpless. She felt like this would never get better. She’d be stuck with it forever and would spend the rest of her life feeling like this.

Emma didn’t want to keep going. She wanted to disappear. She didn’t want to be alive anymore, because if she wasn’t alive she wouldn’t have to feel that way. If she wasn’t alive she would feel better.

It took all of Emma’s energy to push those thoughts aside. She knew it was a terrible way to think, but in that moment it seemed logical. It was true that none of this would bother her if she was dead. She knew that she couldn’t do it, that she wouldn’t be able to leave her family like that, but she still went to sleep thinking about how it would feel to be dead. Not about how it would feel to die. No, that was too scary, but she was thinking about how it would be to just not have to think anymore.

…

That night was the last straw for Emma. She could no longer ignore the feeling that had been sinking into her skin for almost a month. There was something that it could be, and that thought had been lingering in the back of her mind for a while now.

The next day, Emma stayed in her room. She opened her laptop and took a deep breath before typing something into the search bar. Transgender.

The first result was a definition. Someone whose gender is not the same as the one they were assigned at birth.

Emma bit her lip. Was she a girl? Now that the question had been posed, Emma couldn’t think straight. What did it mean to feel like a girl? What did it feel like to be a boy? Was she a boy?

No, Emma decided. She was not a boy. That didn’t feel right. On the other hand, calling herself a girl was increasingly uncomfortable for Emma. So maybe she wasn’t as much of a girl as she had thought she was. The only problem was that she wasn’t a boy, either.

Closing the laptop, Emma leaned back against her headboard. She cursed quietly and closed her eyes. This was a lot to take in. It made perfect sense, but part of Emma didn’t really want to accept it. She didn’t want to be transgender. Everything she knew about it had come through a lens of misunderstanding and subtle disapproval.

Suddenly, a thought popped into her mind. What if her parents weren’t ok with it? What if her friends weren’t ok with it? What if no one was ok with her not being a girl? What was she supposed to do then? The thought that she might not be accepted clung to Emma and sent a shiver of fear through her body.

I have to be a girl, Emma thought to herself. Fear was seeping into her heart and she held back tears that were coming to her eyes. Calling herself a girl felt wrong on a basic level, just like her chest was wrong. It was the same feeling.

Emma wanted the feeling gone. She hated it. She hated it more than she’d ever hated anything before. She wanted to be able to call herself a girl and be comfortable with her chest because being a girl would have been so much easier. But she wasn’t really a girl. She wasn’t a boy or a girl and it was confusing and upsetting and she just wanted to forget about all of it.

She couldn’t forget about it, though, no matter how hard she tried. She couldn’t stop herself from spending weeks looking up articles and avidly reading first hand accounts of being trans. She could see flashes of her own experiences in the stories and she wasn’t so sure that the feeling was new. It could have been there for a while, just under the surface and waiting to come out.

Another thing that Emma learned about was a term. Gender Dysphoria. Discomfort with your assigned gender. It could be anything from certain body parts feeling out of place and wanting to look different to wanting people to refer to you differently.

And that was it. That was the feeling that Emma was having. It was real, not just something that Emma was making up. She wasn’t just having body image issues. That was a different feeling entirely.

After that, Emma’s research turned to finding ways to cope with dysphoria, but it seemed like everyone had different things that worked for them. There wasn’t one foolproof way to get rid of it.

There was something that caught Emma’s eye. Binding. The word for compressing your chest to make it seem like you have a flat chest. Emma immediately wanted to do it. She wanted to make her chest look flat more than anything.

Looking up images of binding, Emma scrolled through pictures of ace bandages wound tightly around people’s chests, along with a few out of place pictures that looking like tank tops.

Finally, there was something that might make Emma feel better. She wasn’t sure if she should do it yet, though. She didn’t want her parents to notice and ask what she was doing. She didn’t want to tell them yet.

…

It took weeks for Emma to find it, but it was well worth it. It happened when she was reading an article about trans people. In the middle of the passage, there was a sentence. Trans men, women, and non-binary people… Emma stopped. Non-binary people.

Quickly, she opened a new search window and typed it in. A definition came up first, and her eyes skimmed over it. Someone whose gender is neither male nor female.

Emma’s eyes went wide. “Oh my god,” She whispered, staring at the definition. That was her! That was what she was! A grin spread across her face. Scrolling down, she clicked on an interview with someone who was non-binary.

It didn’t take long for Emma to make another discovery that changed everything. They/them pronouns. Of course, she knew what they were. She used them all the time. The new concept was that people were using them singularly. Some non-binary people chose they/them pronouns over he or she.

Everything about it made sense. Emma was realizing that she had always used singular they pronouns, but had never taken notice of it. There were plenty of instances where she talked about someone she didn’t know and said “they” instead of “he or she.”

It was perfect. Just like when she’d found the term non-binary. That was what Emma wanted to be called.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

Blood on Her Hands

This isn’t very long and honestly I could do so much better with the it if I had the energy to keep the story going, but I decided to leave it short. This could actually turn into a longer book but for now it’s staying how it is. In general, please ignore the ending and focus on how the story has potential to be decent.

Lily was crying on the floor when Izzie came back. Immediately, Izzie’s eyes widened in horror. “Lily? Whose blood is that?”

Looking up from where she sat in the puddle of blood, Lily started to cry harder. “Mostly his,” She said, pointing over to the dark corner.

“Oh my God,” Izzie said. “Who’s he?”

“I don’t know,” Lily said with a sob. “I was just… I was just here and he showed up and… He wanted to take me and I panicked and he… now he’s dead and it’s my fault!”

Izzie was trying to wrap her mind around it. “He wanted to kill you?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” Lily said. “He said he needed me.”

“Are you hurt?”

“A little,” Lily said. She held out her arm and Izzie saw a gash across it. Kneeling in the blood, Izzie started to treat her girlfriend’s wound. “Do you think he knew?”

“I can’t tell,” Lily said, the tears not coming quite as quickly as before. “But why else would he be after me?”

“I don’t know,” Izzie said, “But we should pray that he’s the only one.”

“I know my step father wants me back,” Lily said. “But would he send someone to hurt me?”

“I guess the question is whether your step dad wants you back alive.”

Lily’s face filled with terror. “Oh, God,” She whispered. “He’d want me dead.”

“Lily, it’s ok. We just need to get to the border and then we’ll be fine.”

“What should we do with him?” Lily asked, pointing back at the large man in the corner.

“What did you do to him, anyway?” Izzie asked.

“I panicked,” Lily said quickly. “I…” She started to cry again. “I don’t really know what I did but the next thing I knew he was dead and I didn’t know what to do so I just put him over there,” She wailed.

Izzie was thinking hard. “Do you think it’s getting worse? The curse, I mean.”

“It must be,” Lily sniffed. “This stuff is happening more and more and the scariest thing is what I can do with the bodies.”

“What?” Izzie asked, sounding nervous.

“He didn’t bleed when he died the first time,” Lily said. “But I felt so bad and I guess I did something else and he stood up again. He didn’t seem to know what was happening but he started coming towards me and I was so scared and I killed him again.”

“Did you bring him back to life?” Izzie asked.

“I don’t know if he was alive or not,” Lily said. “But he could move.” After a moment of wiping her face she looked up. “I’m just going to go back,” She said. “My step father is right. I’m a witch and I can’t keep going or I’ll hurt more people.”

“You aren’t a witch,” Izzie said, sitting down next to her girlfriend and taking her hand. “I knew someone with powers like yours and they called him a necromancer. He wasn’t a bad person, he just had powers that scared people.”

Lily looked up. “Do I scare you?” She asked quietly.

“No,” Izzie said. “I know you’d never hurt me.” They were quiet for a moment before Izzie spoke again. “We should keep going. If this guy could find us, other people can, too. All we need to do is get to the border.”

“Yeah,” Lily said, not sounding convinced.

“Lily,” Izzie said quietly. “We don’t have to get married. I just want you to be happy. If that means being a queen with me in Glen than that’s amazing, but if you don’t want to, you can go wherever you want. I just want you to be safe.”

“Would anyone want me as a queen?” Lily asked. “I can murder people without meaning to. What kind of person wants a queen who might kill them?”

“Like I was saying, that necromancer lived in Glen and people got used to him. Once they understood him, they weren’t scared anymore. That’s how it’ll work with you. I promise.”

“I do want to marry you,” Lily said, squeezing Izzie’s hand. “Do you really think people will be ok with my curse?”

“Yes,” Izzie said confidently. “Everyone’s going to love you because you’re the most amazing person on the whole entire planet. No one’s going to hate you just because you can kill things. Everyone can kill things if they want to.”

Lily leaned over and kissed Izzie on the cheek. “I love you,” She said. “But right now I’m sitting in a puddle of blood. Do we have any clean clothes?”

“Definitely,” Izzie laughed, standing and walking over to their supplies. “I’ll get the blood out as soon as I can. Maybe you can go find some more food?”

“I could kill a wild boar or something,” Lily said.

“See? There are a few upsides to this whole thing. You’ll be the greatest hunter ever.”

When Lily returned and Izzie had cleaned up the blood, they ate in comfortable silence before falling asleep together. The next morning, they started off again, determined to reach Glen. They could become queens. They were determined to make a life together.

[the-storyteller-speaks]

About a Mother

This is something that I wrote in about an hour so... On the other hand, I think it’s a pretty good concept, at least. I have literally done NO editing. Yikes. 

I walked into the church, my torch held high. Everything was covered in a thick coat of dust. Every step I took sent little flurries of it into the air. As far as I could tell, this place had been nearly untouched. The building was sturdy and, apart from the rats scuttling across the floor, it was nice. At least, nice compared to what I was used to.

I dusted off a pew with my hands and sat, putting my bag at my side and looking around. I had had to leave my last shelter after the fighting had destroyed it, but maybe I could make this place my new home.

Looking at the floor, my heart lurched in my chest. There were other footprints here, too. New ones. Someone else was in the building with me. As much as I wanted to talk to another person, they were just as likely to slit my throat and take my supplies as they were to talk to me.

“Are you back?” A quiet voice drifted through the air, and I turned to see a thin figure standing in a doorway that I hadn’t taken notice of. “Are you back?” The person said, starting to walk towards me.

I stood quickly and silently slipped my hand into my bag to grab my gun.

“Mom?” The person was closer now. She was probably about ten, her hair messy and her face smudged, as if she hadn’t cleaned herself in weeks.

“I’m not your mom,” I said, starting to feel bad for her. Her eyes were filled with desperation, and she swallowed.

“She’s coming back,” The girl said. “I know she is.”

“How long has she been gone?” I asked. My rule of thumb was that if a companion wasn’t back in a week, they were dead. I wanted to believe that this girl’s mother wasn’t dead.

“I don’t know anymore,” The girl said, her eyes big and scared. “I’ve waited for her so long. I don’t even remember her name. I can’t even remember my mom’s name.”

Taking a deep breath, I smiled kindly at the girl. “Have you eaten today?” The girl shook her head, and I turned to my bag. “Come here,” I said. “It’s getting dark. Is there any fighting close to here?”

“I haven’t seen anyone in months,” The girl said.

I used a rag to wipe off a large portion of the floor and sat down, gesturing for her to do the same. “What’s your name?”

That question seemed to take some thinking. “Leia,” she said. “I think it was Leia.”

“You can call me Casey,” I said, smiling encouragingly. I pulled some stale bread out of my bag and split what was left of it into two. I handed one half to Leia and she looked at it like it was the greatest gift she’d ever been given.

“I want my mom to come back,” Leia said after a long pause. “I know she’s coming back soon. She said she’d come back.”

Looking at the young girl, my heart sank. I knew that her mother wasn’t going to come back. If Leia couldn’t even remember her name, she must have been gone for years. No one came back after being gone for that long.

Should I tell her? Was it worth it? If Leia knew, she could leave the church and go to other places. She could come with me and escape the war if we ran far enough away. Still, telling a child that their mother was dead was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t even want to believe myself. I wanted to think that Leia’s mother was just a few days away from getting back to her daughter. I just knew it was wrong.

While I was lost in thought, Leia had finished her bread and was looking down. “Is she coming back?” Leia asked quietly. “I’m so scared. I’ve waited for her so long.”

“I don’t know, Leia,” I said, finally starting to eat the stale bread in front of me. “You have waited for a long time.” I thought about my next few words for a while. “We could go find her,” I suggested. “You can come with me.”

Leia shook her head. “If I leave she won’t know where I went,” She said. “I need to stay.”

“Well, what if we stay for a while and then leave if you decide that you want to find her yourself?”

“I haven’t left here in forever,” Leia said. “I’m scared. I don’t know what’s happening but everyone left. My mom left with them and said that she’d come back to get me because I was… I think I was sick. Yeah, that’s it. I couldn’t go anywhere so my mom said she’d come back.”

My heart sank even further. It sounded like Leia’s mom had abandoned her so that she could get away. “Well, there’s a big civil war going on,” I said, trying to ignore how angry I was getting at Leia’s mom. “A lot of people got really scared and that’s why they left. I’m still trying to get out.”

“Do you think my mom’s ok?” Leia asked. I couldn’t tell her that her mom had either abandoned her or died.

“Yeah,” I said. “I bet she got out and now she’s just waiting for the right time to come get you. If you want, I can help you leave and go find her.”

Leia looked at me through her dark eyes. “Do you think you can find her?” She asked.

“I can try,” I said. “We can stay here for a while, but then we can go find her.”

“I want to leave now,” Leia said in earnest. “I want to find my mom.”

I took a breath. I had planned on resting in the old church for a few days before continuing on, but Leia didn’t look like she could be negotiated with. It was clear just how much she wanted to leave, now that I had planted the idea in her head.

“Why don’t we leave tomorrow?” I asked. “It’s getting dark out.”

Leia thought for a moment before nodding. “Come on,” She said, standing and holding out her hand. I took it, and she lead me back to the door she’d come from. Up a flight of stairs there was the church’s balcony, where a small living space had been made. There was hardly any dust up here. Old curtains served as blankets and a pillow on the hardwood floors.

“I sleep here,” She said. “You can have a blanket, too.” She handed a curtain to me and I smiled gently. I felt so bad for her.

That night, I hardly slept. I kept thinking about Leia’s mom and trying to figure out if the girl had been abandoned or orphaned. In the end, I decided that it didn’t matter.

The next morning, Leia and I set off. She was wearing a makeshift backpack made out of old curtains. It was filled with what little extra food we had scrounged from the remaining buildings in the town.

As Leia skipped ahead, I watched her. For the first time in months, I had a reason to get out of that godforsaken country. And make no mistake, I was going to get out. I was going to get Leia out of a world where all she could do was wait for someone who wasn’t coming back.