the-unfriendly-gh0st - Tumblr blog

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

i’ve had three days of eating like total shit and i’ve had enough of this. i thought i could recover but i don’t think i even want to. i think i’ve gained around three pounds and i’m just... done. i’m done with trying. i’m getting this weight back off and i’m not eating anything that’s not a safe food until i do. i just don’t give a shit any more.

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

i think i binged. in the four years since i was first diagnosed with anorexia i’ve never binged, but i think i just did for the first time. i hadn’t eaten in 72 hours and suddenly i started eating and couldn’t stop. i just kept going back to the kitchen and eating more. and now i feel like utter shit. i want to tear the skin from my body, i want to scream and cry. it’s the worst feeling in the world. i must’ve eaten at least 1,000 calories and i just know i’m going to gain weight. i hate everything about myself. i don’t know what to do. all i can do is lie in bed and cry. i don’t want to be like this any more, i’m scared.

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

no need to call me out like that, i’m-

does any of you ever look in the mirror and think

"damn i look skinny, i can see the weight i dropped"

no? me neither😺✋

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

after not smoking for months i bought a pack of cigarettes today. i don’t smoke for the appetite suppressant, i don’t even care about that, i just needed something to take the edge off the constant, twisting anxiety in the pit of my stomach. cigarettes taste like utter shit but they help. i don’t want to start smoking like i used to, it was really fucking bad and way too expensive, but i know i probably will. it’s just another method of self-destruction, i guess.

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

17/03/21 - 110.8

i’m underweight.

i haven’t eaten in 75 hours. i weighed myself at the end of the day, having not had access to a scale in a few days, and i’m officially underweight. i don’t know what to think. i’m happy but i’m also scared and confused. i look so huge, how can i possibly be underweight?

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

i go back to class in person tomorrow and i’ve lost over 15 pounds since people last saw me but it doesn’t feel like enough. it’s never going to feel like enough.

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

can people please stop putting pictures of graphic self harm on eating disorder tags without any kind of warning or even tagging it? i know no one is responsible for my triggers, but i’ve blocked all self harm tags so i’m never prepared to see it. i know that with the side of this hellsite i’m on i’m exposing myself to dangerous and unhealthy mental health-related content, but i’m actively seeking that out. i’m doing everything i can to avoid seeing images of self harm. i started self harming when i was ten fucking years old. it took years of trying, countless relapses, but i’m clean. and i want to stay that way. this shouldn’t have this much of an effect on me, but it does and it’s making me worried about a relapse.

please.

tag your posts if they contain graphic self harm.

(side note: i personally don’t feel the same way about an image containing FULLY HEALED evidence of previous self harm. scars and reminders are something a lot of us will have to live with for the rest of our lives. they’re not something which should be hidden at all costs, we shouldn’t have to feel ashamed.)

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

i get these occasional moments of self-awareness during which i can acknowledge just how sick i am and then approximately three (3) seconds later my brain goes “that’s whack” and i’m right back to ✨hating everything about myself✨

sometimes i stop and think ‘why tf am i starving myself for a body that is pretty much impossible to have’ and then i just get straight back to drinking black coffee and eating just a salad a day lmao

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

my weight has been going haywire recently and it’s ruining my mental health. i ate somewhat normally for two days and gained four pounds. i know that it isn’t wight from fat but it still feels like shit. i haven’t eaten in 24 hours and i’m going to keep going until i physically can’t any more. i’m sick of hating myself

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

i fucking jinxed it and woke up 2lbs heavier 🤡🔫

ive been pretty consistently losing .4lb per day recently, and i’m dreading the inevitable plateau. gonna appreciate the progress whilst it lasts though

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

ive been pretty consistently losing .4lb per day recently, and i’m dreading the inevitable plateau. gonna appreciate the progress whilst it lasts though

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

i 😃 hate 😃 myself 😃

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

i’m fucking freezing

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

i just started hysterically laughing about my anorexia. like,,, the human race has been evolving for a fucktillion years (approximately) and somehow there are people like me who look at a piece of bread and instead of seeing it as what it is - sustenance - we go “evil. Don’t Like That”, overruling our basic survival instincts in the pursuit of Skinny. i know it shouldn’t be funny but it kinda is.

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

holy shit i lost weight????? that’s proper mad that

fuck it. my body needs this. i’m aiming for 2,000 calories today. it’s terrifying and it’s going to be difficult, but it’s important. i won’t gain. if i do, it’s not permanent weight and it’ll come off again quickly. i need this. my body needs this. it’s going to be okay.

according to my fitbit, i’ve burned 1,300 already (bmr and exercise combined) and i almost always burn more than 2,000 a day so i know i physically can’t gain fat from this it’s just difficult to be rational when you have an eating disorder - i would know, i was diagnosed 4 years ago lol

[the-unfriendly-gh0st]

fuck it. my body needs this. i’m aiming for 2,000 calories today. it’s terrifying and it’s going to be difficult, but it’s important. i won’t gain. if i do, it’s not permanent weight and it’ll come off again quickly. i need this. my body needs this. it’s going to be okay.

according to my fitbit, i’ve burned 1,300 already (bmr and exercise combined) and i almost always burn more than 2,000 a day so i know i physically can’t gain fat from this it’s just difficult to be rational when you have an eating disorder - i would know, i was diagnosed 4 years ago lol